Breakups and Closure 

Breakups are hard. It’s rare to come out of a relationship where either party feels great at the time of the breakup, let alone both parties. Even when you are the one doing the breaking up, there are often some difficult feelings involved, such as guilt, ambivalence, fear, sadness, anger, etc. When you are on the receiving end, it’s not uncommon for these feelings to be amplified, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming. When we are struggling with a breakup, we just want the pain to go away.  We seek answers for what happened. We look for evidence of what went wrong or signs that things will change. We try to push ourselves to move on to the next person. We crave closure! 

What is Closure? 

It can be easy to confuse escaping the pain of a breakup with closure. Closure doesn’t necessarily mean that we don’t feel sad or disappointed that the relationship ended. Rather, closure means that we know and accept that the relationship has ended, and we can leave it in the past and move on with our lives.  

The experience of closure may look different from person to person, and, in some ways, it is easier to explain what closure is not, rather than what closure is. Closure means that we are no longer preoccupied with thoughts of the relationship or breakup. We are not rehashing what went wrong, questioning what we could have done or said differently, wondering what the other person is doing, trying to reach out to our exes to get questions answered, etc. The relationship and breakup are not taking up more real estate in our brains than any other past relationship or breakup.   

Closure does not always mean that we are ready to go out and meet someone new. We can have closure and allow ourselves a period to be alone, if we are doing it for ourselves (i.e., without the hope of reconciliation), with the knowledge that we will want to love again and that we can and will find love again.  

Closure frees us from the emotional pain of the relationship, allows us to learn more about what we need in a future relationship, and brings us closer to finding the right person for us.  

Giving Closure When Ending a Relationship 

It is difficult to try to give someone else closure in a breakup because we can’t know how the other person will feel or take the breakup. They may still search for answers, blame you or themselves, or hold out hope. However, it is helpful for everyone to try to give some closure in a breakup, no matter the reason for the breakup. Whether you are conflicted about the relationship ending or can’t get out of the relationship fast enough, closure helps free you from the emotional entanglement of the relationship and ensures that you are both able to move in different directions.   

Ways to help bring someone else closer to closure at the time of the breakup. 

• Be clear that the relationship is permanently over. Do not try to soften the blow by throwing in temporary time frames that leave the possibility of a future reconciliation.  
• Provide a reason for the breakup but try to avoid blame in either direction. Blaming a partner leads to them asking questions about themselves and what they could have done differently. Blaming yourself can make it seem as if you or the relationship can be “fixed” leaving hope of a future reconciliation. Instead of blame, be clear that you just aren’t a good fit for one another, and it won’t work out. 
• Do not ask or offer to remain friends. This isn’t fair to either party, especially if you weren’t friends before the relationship. Should you bump into each other one day down the road and decide to have a friendship, that is one thing, but it is important to sever contact in the immediate wake of a breakup. This includes following on social media.

Getting Closure 

We aren’t always given sufficient closure in relationships and often need to find it for ourselves. To do this, it is important to be clear about what it means. To have closure, we do not have to know, agree with, understand, or accept the reason why the relationship ended, we only must truly know, understand, and accept the fact that the relationship is permanently over and leave it in the past. Leaving the relationship in the past is often the part where we struggle when we are trying to find closure for ourselves. When we get caught up in trying to figure out answers, rehashing details, or believing that we won’t find closure until we feel good about the breakup, we are preventing ourselves from finding closure. These beliefs keep the relationship very active in our minds (instead of in the past) and keep us feeling stuck. 

Strategies for Finding Closure 

• Cut ties with the ex- Do not remain friends. Do not meet up for any reason. Do not reach out for questions or to get answers. Unfollow on social media. 
• Fill your time with things you love doing- make plans with friends, take up a new hobby, learn something new, and find some new TV shows to watch.  
• Allow yourself some time to feel bad- accept that breakups are hard and give yourself the space to feel that rather than fighting it.  
• Make your home as comfortable as possible- Since you may initially find yourself spending more time at home, treat it like a sanctuary. Get rid of reminders of your ex and bring in small things that make you smile and feel good about yourself. 
• Get support. Reach out to friends and family when you need to share your feelings. Have them also hold you accountable for any self-sabotaging behaviors that prolong closure (e.g., ruminating, obsessing, seeking answers, initiating contact with your ex, etc.).    
• Reflect, but don’t obsess. Think about what worked for you in the relationship and what didn’t. Make note of those things for the next relationship. 
• Remind yourself that, ultimately, the relationship ended because this wasn’t the right person for you. Leaving the relationship allows you the opportunity to find a relationship that better meets your needs.   

A compassionate look at the beliefs, patterns, and hopes that can make an unhealthy relationship difficult to leave.

Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It's not because we're addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly.

Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship.

Research from the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey shows that about 41% of women and 26% of men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported a related impact. Understanding why people stay in unhealthy relationships is crucial for both those experiencing them and their support systems.

The Impact of Our Beliefs

We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable.

New Information and How We Deal with It

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. According to cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957), in emotionally charged cognitive dissonance scenarios, individuals high in love addiction may first choose to doubt themselves and further increase their commitment and accept an unequal romantic contract to maintain the romantic relationship. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options:

• Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”)
• Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”)
• Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”)
• Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”)

Research shows that cognitive dissonance does play a role in relationship outcomes, and that internal and external dissonance affects interpersonal interaction. It points to the necessity of interventions focusing on self-consciousness, emotional control, and verbal communication to counteract the damaging effects of cognitive dissonance in relationships.

Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship.

On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person.

Research on trauma bonding reveals that when there is a threat individuals turn to their attachment figure, but if the attachment figure provides a source of trauma, one might rationalize or experience a form of cognitive dissonance. Studies on women, comparing those who experienced IPV to those who did not, revealed higher levels of insecure attachment bonds to mothers and romantic partners among IPV victims.

It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Intermittent reinforcement is a schedule of reinforcement that provides the reinforcement on a variable schedule. It is highly effective at changing and maintaining behaviors and resistant to extinction. But the variable schedule of reinforcement shows the partner periods of good times and sometimes even excessive love and apologies, pulling the victim back into the relationship hoping that the good parts will continue.

Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship can relate to the confusion that is often felt by staying on in the relationship. And it can be extremely tiring. It’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. There are moments where the relationship feels like what it used to be, the reason you chose them. And that can keep hope going. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well.

From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How to Talk to Yourself

As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action.

How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change

So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop.

How to Evaluate Your Situation

I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.

Values clarification therapy aims to reduce emotional distress and increase positive behaviors through reinforcement. It helps those in therapy to identify and clarify the values that influence their decisions and behavior and encourages them to build on their inner resources and strengths. Someone who has explored their personal values in therapy is often better able to identify what will enable them to effectively function in life and thus may be able to make more self-directed choices.

> Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.

References

1. Carone, N., Muzi, L., Benzi, I. M. A., Cacioppo, M., Parolin, L. A. L., Santona, A. M. R., et al. (2024). The influence of childhood emotional abuse and neglect on love addiction: the indirect effect of vulnerable narcissism among female and male emerging adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 11:542925.
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). About Intimate Partner Violence. Intimate Partner Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
3. Dutton, D. G., & White, K. R. (2012). Attachment insecurity and intimate partner violence. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17(5), 475-481.
4. Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
5. Gill, M., & Meenakshi. (2024). The role of cognitive dissonance in shaping relationship dynamics between adolescents and adults. Journal of Neonatal Surgery, 13(4), 1-12.
6. Howard, A. (2019). How intermittent reinforcement keeps partners addicted to abusive relationships. ABC Behavior Therapy, April 10, 2024.
7. Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
8. Ponti, L., & Tani, F. (2019). Attachment styles and intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 22(1), 90-107.