What a complicated, challenging situation you find yourself in! There is no one way you are supposed to feel. I’d expect you to be more than a bit confused. It sounds as if you and your wife have been able to be open with each other, work things out, and repair your relationship. I definitely recommend calling on the same skills and strategies that have worked for you in the past.

A key question for you to consider: If this child is not biologically yours, will you be able to parent him or her with the unconditional love he or she deserves? I strongly recommend that you dig deep and think about your honest answer to this. It’s tempting to want to be a “good” guy and say sure—but if you don’t think you can do it, you will suffer, your wife will suffer, your relationship will suffer, and this child will suffer.

Regardless of biology, you will be the only father he or she will know. If you are not able to love him or her, if you tolerate this child for the sake of your marriage, it will show in many small ways. Resentments will build, and you may end up losing your relationship down the line. Your wife has been clear that she is having this child. You have to ask yourself if you can get on board or not. This is not an easy question to answer, and I suggest you find someone to talk with to sort through the complicated feelings that come with your situation.

Becoming a parent, even under the best of circumstances, is challenging, and it is a lifetime commitment. It’s not for the faint of heart. It puts stress on relationships. Things will not be the same, ever. It’s incredibly hard. It’s also tremendously rewarding, powerful, and incredibly meaningful. There are many people who choose to parent children who are not biologically theirs, who love them fiercely and devotedly. This is something nobody can decide for you. If you open yourself up to loving this child and commit to being a true father (no matter what the tests say), it will be hard, but it can be amazing. If you don’t think you can do it, you owe it to yourself, to your wife, and to this child to talk about it honestly now.

Best of luck,
Erika

You are not alone in feeling out of place in your family of origin. Just because we start in one place doesn’t mean that’s where we ultimately end up. As we get older, we often find ourselves spending more time with the family that we have chosen or created. Sometimes that includes the families we came from, but often it does not. It sounds as if your path has taken you in directions that your family members have not shared. It is only natural to feel out of place. It’s great that you feel so comfortable with your wife’s family. What a wonderful resource to have.

I wonder if some of the distress you are feeling comes from a sense of being responsible for the choices your family makes. You talk about not wanting to expose your wife to your family—is that from fear of what she will think of them, and by extension you? Do you believe they present a threat to you, your wife, or your relationship? You are not defined by your family, only by the choices you make. The fact you’ve chosen a path that differs so significantly from your family of origin makes a clear statement about who you are and what you believe. I wonder how much fear of judgment is contributing to the discomfort you are feeling when you are around your family.

Your intolerance for your family suggests that, whether you’re aware of it or not, you are likely grieving your emotional distance from them. I encourage you to identify the pain, fear, or vulnerability which colors the lens through which you view your family. If you can attend to the deeper vulnerability within you, this lens may become clearer, the distance you are feeling may diminish, and along with it—to some degree—your grief. (Of course, there may still be some grieving to do.)

You have many choices as to how you handle family situations. It sounds like it is important to you to retain a sense of your history, your roots, and where you came from. You also mention that your mother’s health is declining. Cutting off your family right now could cause you pretty significant distress. It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. You can insulate yourself from the discomfort you feel at the differences in your current life choices without cutting yourself off from them.

You seem to be focusing on the ways you differ. Are there things that you share? Even though you don’t share many of the values your family does (politics, animal rights, etc.), are there some things that make you feel connected? Was there something in the way that you were raised that allowed and encouraged you to forge your own path? Are there qualities about your family that you can appreciate?

You seem frustrated by your family’s unwillingness to change their ways when you are with them. Do they expect you to change your ways when you visit or do they accept you as you are? It is possible to love and accept others who don’t believe in what we do or act in ways we would. In fact, once we stop trying to change others and accept them as they are, it can bring significant relief. If we accept that we can love people by virtue of a shared history without necessarily liking them, that can make things easier as well.

If you focus on the qualities you appreciate about your family, on how your experiences in your family shaped the choices you’ve made, you can value your family connections for what they are—part of a shared history. You can also limit how much time you spend with them if being around them causes you distress. Ultimately the shift is not going to come from them—and may not even come from avoiding them. The most impactful shift will be an internal one. You may want to work through some of this with a therapist who can help you integrate your past and your present more peacefully.

Best wishes,
Erika

Your anguish is palpable in your writing. It is also totally understandable; losing a partner after 21 years of marriage is utterly devastating. I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for such a loss. It is just too much to try to wrap your head around until it happens. Even then, it can feel almost unreal.

You commented that all you have done is sleep and cry since your husband’s passing, but you followed this up by saying, “at least, that is how it seems.” In reading your follow-up comment, I wondered if, as you were writing this, you realized that you actually have engaged in some other activities in the months since your husband’s death. If this is true, it might be useful to take a look at what those things are and consider what has felt best. Try to do more of those things when you feel up to it. If and when you do have lighter moments, it is possible (though certainly not guaranteed) that you may feel some guilt. This is not uncommon among surviving spouses. It can feel unfair that you are still able to be in this world having positive experiences while your partner is gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. That said, many people find bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. Bereavement groups can foster a sense of connection because they allow you to see that other people are living with the same kind of loss that you are. They can instill hope. You may come to see that if the people in your group can make it through their losses, so can you. Group therapy can also be a forum for brainstorming coping techniques as members share some of the ways they have been able to move toward healing.

If a group feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble accessing a bereavement group, consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, and I wish you all the best in your process.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Even if parents seem OK with a decision to divorce, it does not mean that their children have to be OK with it. Divorce changes a child’s world in a pretty major way. It is OK and normal for a person in such a situation to feel sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, frustration, and anything else he or she might be feeling. It sounds like you are being asked to make some big decisions before you’ve had much of a chance to process how you are feeling about it all. It also sounds like you feel your parents have put you in a no-win situation. By making you choose, it seems you feel like you aren’t just choosing where to live, but taking sides. I’m sure that doesn’t feel very fair.

It is OK for children, amid divorce, to tell their parents what they are feeling. If any decision feels too big to make alone, it is OK to ask them for help. It is also OK to ask them if they can connect with a therapist or someone who can help a child sort through this situation.

It sounds like your parents are trying to figure things out, and maybe, by giving you the choice, they are trying to make you feel like you have some control in what seems like a situation that is so out of your control. They may be trying to help and let you have a voice in the process. That can actually be a really good thing.

A child whose parents are divorcing should feel empowered to let them know that it is making things hard and that he or she needs help, support, and guidance. Also, keep in mind that the choice you have been presented with might not have to be a permanent one. One option might be to try to finish the year where you are, thereby staying in your school through this year and then reconsidering in the summer what will work best for you.

I know this choice feels monumental—it doesn’t have to be. You also do not have to do this alone. By asking for the help you need, you will set yourself up to manage the changes that are coming without feeling as conflicted and overwhelmed as you feel right now.

Best of luck!
Erika

Thank you for writing. The fact that your brother is angry at you for helping his family is a likely indication of how severe his gambling has become. (In addition to his seeking “lower companions,” as 12-step literature says.) Your question reminds me of how powerful family “systems” are, especially those affected by (what sounds like) addiction or compulsive behavior. It’s remarkable that you are being generous enough to allow his family to stay with you but wonder if you’re doing “enough.” I think the short answer is yes. You’re doing a great service.

But you ask another question that bears some examining, namely, “Am I doing the right thing here?” I’m coming to the conclusion that when compulsivity or addiction is involved, there is no “right thing.” For instance, partners of addicted spouses will ask me, “Is the right thing to stay or go? Try to help them get into rehab or is that enabling?” The right answer is yes and no to all of the above.

The downside to completely detaching (generally speaking, mind you) is that you begin to feel guilt or self-criticism for being aloof; if you get caught up too much in helping and it goes nowhere, you are likely to feel resentful, taken for granted, and so on. So I suppose there’s this magical balance that much smarter folks than I have not yet figured out. I suppose that, like all things human, God (or the devil) is in the detail. But gambling is particularly destructive because it involves money, which can crush a family’s resources like Thor’s hammer.

The advantage here—not always the case—is that your brother knows he has a problem. Not knowing how to stop is nothing to be ashamed of. Addiction or compulsivity on the level we’re talking about is as much a disease as depression or anxiety. (In fact, addiction parallels both.) How does a person “stop” bipolar? Or diabetes? Well, you see a professional. Fortunately, there are self-help meetings (Gamblers Anonymous) as well as addiction therapists or even treatment centers (such as the Control Center in Los Angeles or Sierra Tucson or The Meadows in Arizona) that can help. (More treatment centers are taking insurance these days.)

The point is, he doesn’t have to know how to stop because he probably can’t. (Step 1 in a 12-step program is saying, essentially, that you can’t stop and your life is chaotic due to that fact.) Also, you might check your own motives in that many family members in your position may (1) minimize the addiction (is it really that bad? Sadly, yes), (2) think you can “do something” best left to a professional counselor or psychologist, or (3) doubt yourself for not “doing more.” You cannot will a person with depression to get better by good intentions; ditto with addiction. The most eloquent Shakespearean speech will not convince an addicted person to do squat. Usually it comes down to setting consequences for the addicted person that may sound hard but tend to get attention: If you don’t stop, you’re going to ruin your family and/or lose your wife and/or access to your children. If you don’t stop, I need to pull away and detach until you get help; it’s too painful for me to watch a ship sink while the captain refuses life boats. Many people addicted to alcohol, for instance, don’t get help until their second, third, or fourth DUI. Many with sex addiction don’t stop until their partner threatens to end the relationship. And so forth.

You may also try to organize a family intervention, either informally or formally. This is trickier than it looks (despite what the movies and TV show us). I know some interventionists who would be willing to consult with you (perhaps for free or low cost) should you want more information on this; you can contact me via this website for more information.

You’re obviously a very caring and loving brother or you wouldn’t be writing. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell the addicted part of the person, “We’re sick of you and how you’ve hijacked the person we love.” I would add that the sooner you and other family members—and your brother—take action, the better. Addiction is progressive and, like a shark, stays hungry and keeps moving. Thanks again for writing.

Best wishes,
Darren

This is a fantastic question that really strikes at the heart of one of psychotherapy’s cornerstones—confidentiality. You are not at all alone in feeling like you have something you desperately need to talk about. Many people crave the opportunity to confide in someone who is not part of their lives and who can guarantee complete and total privacy. This is exactly what therapy can provide. It is also one of the reasons therapy works. The promise of confidentiality allows people to say, feel, and explore things that they might not otherwise be able to.

Of course, there are some limits to confidentiality. For example, if you tell a therapist that you are going to commit suicide, your therapist is required to intervene in order to prevent the suicide. Under such circumstances, the intervention likely would be hospitalizing you. It would require acknowledging that you are a client in therapy, that you are planning to commit suicide, and any other relevant information the hospital might need to help you. Also, if you tell your therapist that you are going to hurt or kill someone else, your therapist is required to intervene not only to stop you, but to warn your potential target. Finally, if you reveal any ongoing child or elder abuse, your therapist must report this to appropriate authorities in order to protect the person, or people, being harmed. Under any of these circumstances, your therapist would be ethically and legally required to breach confidentiality. However, even when such situations occur, the therapist is obligated to reveal only what is necessary to address the crisis at hand.

Teaching and supervision constitute the only other contexts in which a therapist may ethically share information about your sessions. However, no identifying information about the client should ever be revealed in such cases. That is, your therapist might consult with a supervisor or colleague about how best to help a person in your situation, but he or she should never disclose anything that would reveal your identity. If your therapist is a supervisor or professor, he or she might also talk about your treatment (again, without revealing your identity) for training purposes.

Nonetheless, while therapists should not be sharing any information with anyone other than for the purposes of teaching and supervision, unfortunately some therapists do. I would venture to say, though, that when therapists let information about a session slip out when talking with friends or family (which, to be clear, they should not do), they still are not revealing any identifying information. It is very difficult for me to imagine a therapist getting all the way through graduate training and postgraduate licensing processes without a deep understanding and respect for the necessity of confidentiality. The vast majority of us go to great lengths to protect it.

I’ve shared a lot of information about the rules and limits of confidentiality and even a bit about what really happens, even if it isn’t supposed to. I’d like to leave you with a suggestion. Find a therapist and work on building a relationship with him or her. When you feel like you can trust your therapist, talk about your concerns about revealing this secret. If your therapist is someone who tends to let things slip here and there, knowing your concerns about revealing this secret should lead him or her to rigidly adhere to the strictest rules of confidentiality. This may also cue your therapist to get your permission before consulting with colleagues or supervisors, and before using your treatment as a training example. Therapy exists, in no small part, for people to unburden themselves of their deepest, darkest secrets. My hope for you is that you find a therapist you can trust, and that you experience the incredible relief that unburdening yourself can offer.

All my best,
Sarah

Thank you for writing. I am so sorry this happened to you. It frankly makes my blood boil. This breach and exploitation is exactly what therapists are never supposed to do. To me, it’s akin to incest. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. Despite whatever conflicted feelings you might be having, please know that this was not your fault in any way. Maintaining that professional wall and keeping the boundary between healer and client is solely the responsibility of the therapist. Psychological safety and doing no harm is our top priority. It’s heartbreaking that your therapist so violated the sanctity of the relationship.

Of course, from a psychological viewpoint, this kind of gross violation of boundaries and trust will bring up all kinds of conflicted and traumatic feelings for the client. (This is one of many reasons that such a breach indicates the therapist has lost her way in the profession.) What’s especially tragic is that this experience may have parallel emotional resonance for those who were abused or neglected as children. One of the most common misperceptions by victims of such abuse is that they think, somehow, in a desperate effort to make sense of a painfully chaotic phenomenon, that they “caused” or “brought on” the abuse. Therapy is set up so that it really is all about the client; when this kind of abuse transpires, how can the client help but think (among other things) that the violation is somehow “about me”? Trust me: This is about a malpracticing therapist.

The feelings you’re having are quite understandable; however—and I hate to say this—they most likely won’t just go away on their own. You allude to this in your letter in that, five years hence, the pain lingers. In a way, it means you have a communicative psyche that needs some sustained, loving attention; you deserve the care and guidance of a competent therapist to help you heal. The fact other therapists wanted you to press charges may be a sign of how seriously we take our oath as healers—it’s enraging when we hear of violations of that oath. However, you are not obligated to do anything that feels too scary or overwhelming. You may want to press charges at some point, you may not. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re needing right now, and such a decision can come later, if ever. It’s not your job to “police” anyone. We don’t want to create a situation wherein we “blame the victim.”

The first step is a healing process wherein you can reintegrate and reconnect with whatever had to be dissociated or sacrificed to live with the hurt of this abuse. Other decisions will likely follow of their own accord.

I’m curious as to your statement that “most people don’t believe a woman can abuse another woman.” Since that falls outside the range of my own experience, I would want to know more about that, i.e. who “most people” are. Most people in your circle of family and friends? Potential authorities who would evaluate this case? Has your mistreatment at the hands of others ever been doubted?

You are alluding to what I call the double whammy of trauma—first there is the painful abuse itself, and then (and this is often what causes the real hurt and disruption) the denial or minimization of the abuse. It’s possible that we can heal from hurtful events if those who participated acknowledge both the event and their participation, followed by their amending such behaviors. With the repetition of abuse and denial, and no commitment by the abusers to cease, we begin to wonder if we are in fact “exaggerating” or even “crazy.” A painful split emerges between mind and body, as we doubt our own perceptions, memories, and physical reality. This takes a lot of time to heal, to reconnect with and trust our own emotional experience and intuition, but repair is possible. Your perspective on these events may shift once the fractures begin to heal.

You may need to tell your therapist—and I’m hoping you have one you trust, or want to find one—that you’re not interested in pursuing any reporting or recriminatory actions just now. It sounds like you need now to put yourself first, make sense of what happened, and engage in a healing process with someone who will cherish the trust you give to him or her. It is a privilege for us to be trusted, and it’s something we have to earn. Don’t feel in any hurry—in fact, I’d encourage you to go at a pace that feels right to you.

I’m sorry this happened, but so glad you wrote in. I hope this answer helped in some small way. Please don’t give up on finding the right person, in spite of this awful breach. Warmest good wishes to you.

Kind regards,
Darren

Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t experiencing the therapy you’re receiving as helpful, and I hope that I can provide some assistance. I’m going to start by offering a brief description of psychodynamic therapy and how it works.

Psychodynamic therapy is one of many “depth” psychotherapy processes. It is insight oriented, and a lot of the work is based on free association, where the client simply talks about whatever is on his or her mind at the moment. Eventually, patterns and processes stemming from past experiences and unconscious drives become apparent. The focus of the therapy then goes to the client becoming aware of how these patterns and drives are affecting his or her life. The goal of psychodynamic therapy is not simply to make symptoms go away but to improve one’s life in general. Those are lofty and worthwhile goals that often require some amount of time to accomplish. The experiences one has in life, including trauma, abuse, and neglect, become embedded in the way that person interacts later in life, and it may take some time to work through these more complex aspects of being. There is really no set time that anyone can give on how long one would be in psychodynamic therapy, as it is all dependent on many individual factors that are specific to the client, his or her needs, and the therapeutic relationship.

Now for the specifics of your question: It sounds as if your therapist is well credentialed and doing well by engaging in her own therapy. That indicates that she is a responsible professional, but, of course, without knowing her personally, I can’t say with any certainty one way or another.

What I can tell you with some measure of certainty is that one of the necessary conditions for optimal therapy is that there is a relationship between the therapist and the client. This means a relationship of trust, honesty, respect, healthy boundaries, and mutual willingness to work together. If any of those conditions aren’t present, the therapy process will not go as well as it could. Without knowing you, the therapist, or the relationship between the two of you, it’s hard to say what could be slowing down the process. However, as you reflect on your relationship with your therapist, I would invite you to explore the ways in which you engage in the therapy. Is there a part of you that withholds in therapy? Do you feel like you have allowed yourself to trust the therapist? You mentioned that you haven’t allowed yourself to “go there” with your therapist, and I’m curious if that is holding back the process in any way.

Because one of the most important pieces of a therapeutic relationship is mutual honesty and trust, I would suggest that you start with speaking openly and honestly about your concerns with your therapist, if you feel comfortable. If you can raise your concerns to your therapist, even when it might be a bit uncomfortable, you will be taking another step in trust and vulnerability with the therapist, which can serve to help the relationship. If you do so and you feel as though your concerns are still not resolved, the relationship hasn’t improved, and you don’t feel some sense of resolution, then it may be time to consider moving in a new direction.

If you do decide to go another direction with therapy and your therapist is not able to recommend anyone, GoodTherapy.org’s search engine can help. If you decide to go that route, I suggest that you take your time in finding someone new to work with and that you interview the therapist on how he or she works, what he or she expects, and how he or she anticipates the therapy progressing. If you decide to go with another therapist, take your time and make sure that it is the right fit for you, your needs, and your goals.

I applaud your willingness to seek out therapy and to ask for help when you need it. I trust that you will continue your journey with courage.

Yours truly,
Lisa

Thanks for your question. I can imagine your chagrin at your husband shifting from what sounds like frequent acquiescence to “no more Mr. Doormat.” The problem, however, is that in his new “take no prisoners” approach he has become rigid and defensive. At least in some areas; you say he is loving and affectionate, though the defensiveness sounds anything but. Is there a particular topic that seems to trigger his hard-line stands?

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the impressive work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, but they list defensiveness and stonewalling as two of the “Four (marital) Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” (Contempt and criticism are the others.) Because compromise and flexibility are key to an evolving relationship, I can understand your frustration and hurt feelings. Good you’re addressing it, otherwise resentment and withdrawal may ensue. It sounds like you are starting to feel what he felt in his previous marriages, except in this new casting you are expected to say “OK” to everything, and clearly that is not going to work.

I guess one question I would have is, does he really understand how his new attitude is hurting you? I suppose from a psychodynamic point of view one might say he is defending against feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem, but he is shifting all of the focus on the outside instead of processing the hurt feelings that may still remain from his previous marriage. You say he is dealing with insecurity, shame, and regret from his previous marriage, all painful, yes—but something to share with you in a tender way, or with a therapist to process and move beyond these internal reactions. (I’m not sure why I’m saying this, but intuitively I sense it might be good for him to find a male therapist to discuss this with, or even a men’s therapy group to find his own voice in all this, without having to go to extremes.)

In any event, it is never a good idea to meet rigidity with rigidity, at least when it comes to relationships (we can see how great it works in the nation’s capital, too). Lasting intimacy rests on trust, and trust requires vulnerability, acknowledgment, mutuality, and an atmosphere of empathy. Your husband seems empathically disconnected from his behavior, which forces you to pull back to protect yourself. I suggest you sit down and tell him how you feel when he acts in such a defensive manner. Try to focus on your own feelings, as opposed to “you’re being defensive,” etc. I find it more effective to say “it really hurts and feels like you don’t care when you …” The hope is that he will listen with his heart and understand that he is harming his beloved with this new stance (the flip side of total acquiescence), and will be motivated to change. Finally, if nothing else works, some marriage counseling might help you talk to each other in a way that breeds closeness rather than hurt. Thanks again for writing.

Respectfully,
Darren

Great question! I see this dynamic a lot in my own practice—parents or teachers feel a child could benefit from therapy, but the child is reluctant. Therapy is going to be helpful only if your son is a willing participant. Forcing the issue will not only produce minimal results, if any, but may turn him off from seeking out counseling support in the future.

It is not a lost cause, however. There are many things you can do to increase the likelihood of your son being willing to participate in counseling. First, give him a voice. What was it about therapy that he hated? Really listen to his answers. They might seem silly or arbitrary, but if you hear what didn’t work, you are much more likely to find someone who won’t recreate that negative experience. Second, give him some control. Let him know that he gets to choose the person he is going to work with. Get together and look through online profiles (such as the ones on GoodTherapy.org) that you’ve already pre-selected as viable options, and let him read through and indicate which ones he might be willing to meet with and interview. Many therapists offer a brief consultation to give client and therapist a chance to assess for fit. Let him select a few (I recommend no more than three or four) to have a brief chat with, and let him choose which one he is willing to talk with. You can let the therapist know that your son is reluctant about therapy so that he/she can address those concerns head-on.

When I meet with reluctant potential clients, particularly children, I often find that the barriers include a lack of understanding of what counseling is really all about. When they realize that they can tell me basically anything and I’m not going to judge and they aren’t going to get in trouble, that this time and space is all about them—their feelings, their needs, their experiences—I see even skeptical faces light up. When I tell them that we can do therapy while playing with my dog, going for a walk, or even playing basketball, they can even get pretty enthusiastic.

Finally, give him an out. Ask him to commit to four to six sessions with one therapist. If at the end of that time he isn’t getting anything from it or finds it unpleasant or objectionable, then he can decide to stop. Even if he goes six times and says virtually nothing, stick to your bargain. If he trusts he has some control, he may be more willing to try the next time.

One thing to keep in mind is that the single greatest predictor of positive therapeutic outcomes is the relationship and rapport the client has with the therapist. If your son really connects with someone, he can get a lot out of therapy. If he doesn’t, he probably won’t get much from it. As long as therapy is something that is being done TO him, he’s likely to be more closed to the experience. If he gets invested in the process of choosing someone, there’s a much greater chance of counseling being a positive experience.

Best of luck!
Erika

Did you ever hear the saying, “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”? Friends don’t let friends live their lives drunk, either. From your description, her behavior sounds like she may be addicted to alcohol, or someone who abuses alcohol and is at risk of becoming addicted. Alcoholism is a chronic, dangerous issue.

You were a good friend and told her that she is courting trouble; sometimes it hurts to hear the truth. When you told her that her behavior was ruining her relationships, yours included, she got angry and accusative. It sounds like she needs help, just as you told her. She’s lost her boyfriend and her job and is sponging off her mom. “She blows up at everyone around her,” you wrote. This is one of the many symptoms of alcoholism.

Does her mother understand where the money is going? It sounds like the mom is being used, and, as you say, the mom’s money is enabling your friend’s dangerous behavior. Perhaps the mom gives her daughter money because she feels sorry for her. People with alcoholism are experts at playing on others’ feelings so they can get what they want. You’re her best friend, and you’re trying to stop her from ruining her life. Rather than thinking about what you are saying, she accuses you of always judging her and telling her what to do. And maybe you do.

I once heard someone describe stopping drinking as like “stopping a speeding express train barehanded.” Your friend may have to hit bottom before she can begin the long climb back. I know you want to help her, but people can’t be helped if they aren’t willing and able to accept help. Stopping her is not in your power. She can get better, but she has to choose to first, and then she has to work long, hard, and with great determination. No one can do it for her.

You ask who owns this problem—clearly, your friend does. The problem is hers to do something about. Or not.

My opinion: She should join a 12-step program, consult a therapist, and perhaps a psychopharmacologist, too. Remember, alcoholism is a very serious issue, and needs professional treatment—much more than even the best of friends can give her. It sounds like you have already given her a great deal; perhaps it’s time for you to step back.

If you want to remain her friend, you might consider joining Al-Anon, which focuses on problems common to family members and friends of people with alcoholism. Some of those problems are loyalty to abusive people and a tendency toward excessive caretaking. Does this sound familiar?

You need support, too. A tough-love approach might be helpful for you both, and you would benefit from the backing of other Al-Anon members who know how to negotiate the alcoholism territory, which is a rough one. As when you’re in the jungle, you need a compass and companions so you can work together and find your way out—you and your friend, both.

I wish good luck to both of you.

Best wishes,
Lynn

First, let me say that I admire your candor, your self-awareness, and your desire to work on this issue. I believe that all of these things will ultimately make you successful in addressing this issue and coming to a place of greater satisfaction in your life.

Jealousy is often a protective strategy fueled by more vulnerable feelings, such as worthlessness or feelings of inadequacy. No therapist can tell you exactly what the particular vulnerability is, but a skilled therapist can help guide you toward identifying and transforming whatever it might be in your case. Establishing a context for the origin of these feelings within the safety of a therapeutic relationship can help you to challenge the feelings and begin healing.

Healing the wounds of the past will likely foster a sense of confidence in your ability to make changes in your present life. For example, you specifically mention feeling jealous of colleagues. Are you satisfied and fulfilled by your work? My hunch is that you are not. If my hunch is correct, it makes sense to start thinking about what you want out of your work. Are you in the field you want to be in? Do you want to move up into a higher-level position? Do you want to explore options at a different company? Answering these questions and others that might arise may point you in a different direction professionally. It sounds like there is also significant dissatisfaction with your personal life. A similar assessment of what it is that you are seeking can be applied here, too.

As for Facebook, you are not alone in the experience you describe. In fact, a recent study indicates that the more young adults use Facebook, the more dissatisfied they become (Kross, Verduyn, Demiralp, Park, Lee, Lin, Shablack, Jonides, and Ybarra, 2013). It seems to me that people very often post the good stuff of life on Facebook. They share promotions, successes, home purchases, marriages, the births of children, and vacations. So, you can walk away feeling like everyone’s life is better than your own. But the truth is, no one’s life is perfect. Everyone has challenges, pain, and frustration—they just might not choose to share those things in a Facebook status.

Looking inward, healing old wounds, determining what you want, and creating a plan to get it can be very difficult work—I certainly don’t wish to imply that it is simple. Because it can be difficult, even painful, work that takes time, I do hope you will consider partnering with a therapist who can support you throughout the process. Collaborating with a therapist can also help you to explore ways to make yourself more comfortable as you seek to make changes in your life. You don’t have to wait until you accomplish your goals and dreams to be happy.

Reference:

Kross E, Verduyn P, Demiralp E, Park J, Lee DS, et al. (2013) Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-Being in Young Adults. PLoS ONE 8(8): e69841. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0069841

All the best,
Sarah