By Pátzia Gonzalez-Baz D-CEP; EFT-Adv
Clinical member, OSP  

Click here to contact Patzia and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Unfortunately, second marriages have an even worse track record than first marriages. Part of this has to do with the kids, yours, his/ hers. Don’t get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the kids as people, the kids are all right. It has a lot to do with our feelings about them. And I mean kids all ages, including adults. So here are some basic tips to help your children, you and your new spouse adjust:

1) Remind your kids that they were conceived in love.

It’s important to remind your children that you love them and that you once loved your ex very much. And that every time you see the child, you are reminded of how much you loved him/ her. And then things changed. Whatever happens between both parents has nothing to do with them. The divorce wasn’t their fault, you will always love them. Saying “You’re just like your mother (or father)” should be the highest praise! If you need to vent about your ex, do so in therapy.

2) Prepare your kids

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A GoodTherapy.org News Update

Divorce is one of the more unpleasant experiences faced by people in the modern world, yet it remains one of the most common. Though ideas differ wildly about the wisdom of divorce and its potential effects on a family, there is little debate over the idea that the event can be especially difficult for children. Each year, however, a large number of children experience the impact that divorce can have on the concept of a family, with some circumstances more emotionally forgiving than others. In a way, the prevalence of divorce may help young people by giving those going through the process a greater chance of having a friend or peer who has experienced something similar and can relate. But soon, the intimate details of one divorce in particular, as well as its impact on a family, will be the subject of an in-depth reality television show.

The popular series “John and Kate Plus 8,” a show featuring a couple and their eight small children, has shocked many fans with news that the husband and wife will be proceeding with a divorce. Rather than cancel the show based on what might seem like an ending of the intended plot line, the producers have decided to incorporate the divorce into the show itself, keeping the cameras rolling while the family explores this common yet highly personal and emotionally volatile process. Criticism of the decision has been rampant, with many upset over the potential of the show to intrude on the family’s privacy and the children’s understanding as the divorce takes place. Others are welcoming the move, pointing out that it could contribute to a more open public forum on divorce and how families can take an effective approach.

© Copyright 2009 by http://www.GoodTherapy.org Therapist Los Angeles Bureau - All Rights Reserved.

By Marti Granizo-O’Hare

“I became a lawyer 20 years ago to represent children’s rights. I became a mediator to assist partners restructure their lives in the face of a divorce, and in doing so minimize the deleterious effects of separation.”

More and more couples are participating in divorce mediation to effectively communicate about their financial and parenting matters. Particularly where families are involved, all other dispute resolution processes are dwarfed by the advantages and benefits of the mediation process. The legal fees, costs and emotional strain entailed in starting a court action against a life partner can be daunting. Although, mediation has been in existence for decades, in the past 10 years it has progressively gained recognition as a preferred alternative dispute process to litigation and attorney negotiated settlements. Among the reasons for its growth, is the fundamental objective of the mediation process: to assist both parties in effectively communicating and negotiating solutions which are best for them, their family and their situation. Mediation seeks to empower both parties by providing information in a neutral manner, respecting and supporting each individual’s rights and feelings, acting as a resource for professional referrals, and ultimately facilitating what often can be a difficult-and at times, tumultuous situation.

What is Mediation?

Mediation is a dispute resolution process which assist parties’ communications for agreement. (See: mediate.com/articles/what.cfm). It is voluntary and confidential, and is conditioned on the informed consent of parties to actively participate in the process. It is a dispute resolution process which honors and is predicated on the self -determination of the participants involved. The parties have control over how they want the process to proceed and they have total control over what agreements are reached as a result of their participation in the process. Mediation is an all-inclusive process. The active involvement of the parties’ attorneys, third party professionals such as financial advisors or therapists, is always available to the parties and at the parties’ discretion. Read the rest of this entry

By Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

Click here to contact Lois and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Many adults acknowledge the benefits of having a supportive therapist as they face the inevitable challenges of divorce. But many parents are unsure at what point their child may be exhibiting signs that indicate a need for professional counseling. Many of the following indicators are similar to the symptoms adults experience when undergoing severe stress. Please note that the following indicators are not all inclusive and should not be used as an assessment tool to determine whether or not your child is in need of assistance. Evaluating an individual’s need for therapy is best left to a licensed professional.

Sleep disturbances

Some children wake with nightmares or have great difficulty going to sleep, saying they are afraid (of monsters, burglars, ghosts, etc.). Other children may regress to earlier sleeping patterns, such as sleeping with a favorite object, wetting the bed, or sleeping in a parent’s room. Children may also withdraw and hide in sleeping, which is more likely in teenagers and sleep longer hours than usual.

Eating changes

Some children under severe stress have difficulty with appetite. They may find their stomach hurts or feels upset and they may appear more picky than usual or refuse to eat at certain meals. Other children may find solace in food and try to nurture themselves by eating sweets and high fat foods. Both are signs that a child is not addressing directly their feelings of stress, anxiety or possible depression.

School problems

Teachers can often tell when there are problems at home just by observing a child’s behavior at school. A child who was once very social may isolate or even push peers away. Children can become aggressive, exhibiting the interaction styles they have witnessed between their parents.

Withdrawal

Some children withdraw and isolate when they are afraid or upset. When isolating children may be doing things that help them feel better, such as writing, drawing or listening to music. But a child may be feeling alone, left out, frightened and obsessing about how out of control their life feels.
Outbursts of anger or destructive behavior

Children who have been holding in how they feel will let it out at some point. If outbursts of anger (verbal or physical) are modeled by either of the parents, children are more likely to let this anger out in similar ways. Children’s anger and frustration need to be heard, not “fixed” or reasoned away.

Trying hard to get parents to reconcile

It is very normal for children to want their parents back together, but if a child becomes fixated on this activity it can be a sign of severe stress and fear. Some children try to get their parents back together by being exceptionally good so parents won’t fight about them, others will act out to try to get parents to focus on them rather than the separation.

Becoming the “perfect” child or confidant

Some children cope with the stress of a divorce by trying to take the place of the absent parent. They may try to make life easier for a parent, and in return deny their own natural needs as a child. This robs a child of having a healthy childhood and can cause serious problems later on in life.

Coping with a difficult custody battle.

Custody battles can take a grave toll on children. Often they are pulled this way and that and may even be asked by the court with which parent they wish to live. A child entangled in a complicated custody battle can almost always use some outside help and counseling.

While some of these signs may appear for a short period of time and in mild forms during any divorce, if they are present for a significant period of time (weeks or months) it is important for the child to be evaluated by a professional therapist. Children usually feel comfortable with a therapist who specializes in treating children or has children of their own. A therapist working with children should also have supplies on hand to help children feel comfortable sharing their feelings. Some common therapy tools are, drawing materials, such as crayons, markers, colored pencils, puppets, books, sand tray and toys.

Remember it is always appropriate to ask several therapists questions about how they conduct therapy before choosing one for your child. A therapist with experience in working with children should help your child feel comfortable in their office. Both parents and children need extra support when going through the challenges of divorce.

©Copyright 2009 by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Lois and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

A GoodTherapy.org Featured Column written by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D. & Ed Wilson, Ph.D., MAC

Click here to contact Mary Ellen and/or see her Profile
Click here to contact Ed and/or see his Profile

“Two things will be believed about any man whatsoever, and one is that he has taken to drink.” -Booth Tarkington

It isn’t unusual for people to seek treatment for their alcohol abuse problems when divorce is looming on the horizon. Indeed, probably two thirds of our clients come to us with crumbling marriages. What is surprising is that at a few of these clients don’t really have an alcohol problem and many of the rest are abusing alcohol, but aren’t alcoholics.

How does that happen?

Simply put, the treatment industry has promoted a Catch-22 model: if you’re accused of being an alcoholic and you agree, then obviously you are. But if you don’t agree then you still are – you’re just in denial. As Mr. Tarkington observed long ago, it’s a label that can be hurled at anyone and it will stick. And divorcing spouses like to use it just for that reason, it will stick and they will be able to leverage it to get what they want or at least make your life miserable for a while longer.

What is the reality? At a recent conference in western Canada, one presenter after another pointed out what a few of us have known for a long time, most people seeking help with their alcohol problems aren’t alcohol dependent “alcoholics” – they’re alcohol abusers who can be cured. But you won’t hear that if you go looking for help, or, God help you, an honest evaluation.

Why not? Because over 95% of all alcohol treatment programs are based on the assumption that you’re a powerless and diseased alcoholic, or you’re an alcoholic who’s in denial. Regardless, the outcome of any evaluation will be to put you in one of those two categories and “treat” you accordingly. It’s not an attractive prospect for anyone who actually cares about their future. Read the rest of this entry

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW

Click here to contact Chesley and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children?

Most children are confused, afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and anxious when they sense or are told about their parents’ divorce. Interestingly, these are the same emotions that their parents often experience during the divorce process. It is no secret that there are many possible negative effects children experience both during and after a divorce. These negative effects are exacerbated when parents are fighting over “custody” and minimized when parents make parental decisions together, out of sincere concern for their children’s needs. The list of potential negative effects is long and includes: Read the rest of this entry

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Click here to contact Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

If you or anyone you know wants to end a marriage with minimal emotional damage to the family, I suggest serious consideration of collaborative divorce. A simple explanation of collaborative divorce is: “A highly structured process in which to express and resolve conflict without going to court”. Two of the web sites that have a more thorough explanation of collaborative divorce and a list of local attorneys, mental health professionals and financial professionals are www.collablawtexas.org and www.Divorcenet.com . My intention is to give information about what Texas collaborative professionals call “The Texas Model” of collaborative divorce. Texas collaborative professionals are dedicated and available to assist divorcing couples to successfully restructure their lives, so as to minimize the potential negative effects of divorce. Read the rest of this entry

By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW

Click here to contact Chesley and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Marriage counseling is an attempt to help a couple resolve any number of types of problems they may be having in their marriage, and to empower them to go forward and have a more successful relationship. No matter what combination of problems, couples seek counseling to get a better understanding of what has gone wrong in their marriage. Throughout a marriage it is common for resentment due to unresolved issues to build up to such an extent that one or both partners may feel hopeless enough to consider divorce as an option. Frequently, by the time a married couple decides to seek professional help; they have so much resentment built up to such a high level that their issues are much more difficult to resolve, if not impossible. This does not mean that the marriage can not be restored. Although one or both partners may think that seeking marriage counseling is an admission of failure, marriage counseling can help a couple rebuild or restore their relationship. Read the rest of this entry