When parents view their child’s “problematic” behavior, attitudes, or troubles as a reflection of them, it can be a terrible blow to the ego. For parents with positive self-feelings, anger, hurt, and disappointment can occur when they don’t see themselves reflected in their children. (“My child should be just like me.”) For parents who do not feel very good about themselves, seeing a child as being “just like me” can feel devastating. Parents who lack self-esteem often feel like their child’s problems are their fault. Their inability to differentiate themselves from their children can also result in guilt and painful feelings of responsibility that are often overstated and inaccurate. Many parents who struggle with the idea that their child is a reflection of them (for better and worse) have not separated from their children. These parents tend to feel some responsibility for their child’s situation. Most often they believe that, either in their early behavior with their children or in their biological contribution (or both), they have profoundly affected their child’s life and character.

“Peter” came to his therapy session in a rage about “Adam,” his 25-year-old son. He had just come from his son’s apartment and was disgusted about the dirt and disarray he encountered: “What is the matter with that kid? He’s such a slob. There is stuff everywhere. It feels so chaotic! I have the same feeling when I think about how he gets drunk with his friends on the weekend. He’s a mess!”

When I asked Peter what made him so angry about this, he began to express remorse about being so enraged. Choking up, he said, “I guess I’m really hurt. I feel like Adam is being disrespectful to me. He knows I hate his messes and his drinking behavior. I feel like he’s on a terrible path of disorganization and disaster. I keep asking myself, ‘How did he turn out this way?’ ”

I asked Peter what he thought about why Adam was like this. “I don’t really know,” Peter said. “But I honestly believe it’s my fault. You know I was a terrible workaholic during Adam’s first 10 years. I neglected him when he was growing up. Then I think, if I was a workaholic, will he be an alcoholic? I know I made him this way. I’m a mess of a father.” Peter was tortured by his painful feelings and disappointment that his son hadn’t turned into the ideal adult that Peter wished he could be.

Over time, as we explored Peter’s feelings, it became apparent that he put all the responsibility for the person Adam was at age 25 on himself. He found it very difficult to see Adam as a separate individual with his own reasons for behaving the way he did. Slowly, Peter was able to consider that his influence hadn’t only been negative and that he wasn’t the only influence on Adam’s development. Adam’s mother was nurturing; Adam had many friends growing up. Peter could even recall some teachers who were influential in Adam’s life. He acknowledged, for example, that a high school teacher had encouraged Adam to stay with his music, and Peter admitted that Adam was a successful musician.

“I guess I haven’t focused enough on Adam’s successes, just on the ways I see him as a failure and blame myself,” Peter said. “Sometimes I still think that maybe Adam is punishing me when he messes up in ways he knows I hate. I guess I really have to admit that it isn’t all about me. Adam is a different person from me. It’s just hard to be OK with that. But I do want to get there. I know that would be best for our relationship.”

Peter is slowly beginning to separate from Adam and experience Adam’s successes and failures as more about Adam than him. He is also beginning to take Adam’s character and behavior less personally. Giving up the idea that “it was all my fault” makes space for Peter to see Adam as a separate individual.

“Rose,” another client, began to talk about her 10-year-old daughter, “Jessica,” in our therapy sessions.  Rose was obsessed with worry that Jessica, who had learning disabilities, would never have a successful life. She said with some sadness: “Her brain is damaged. How will she ever be OK?”

“What do you mean, ‘Her brain is damaged’?” I asked.

“You know that we had her tested and she has so much trouble focusing and organizing her thoughts,” she responded.

“Yes, I know she has some learning disabilities, but seeing her as ‘a person with a damaged brain’ seems a rather extreme way of defining your daughter,” I said.

“I sort of know what you’re saying is true,” she said. “But you know I had learning disabilities as a kid. No one identified them; no one did anything about it. I still struggle at work and in my life in general with being focused and organized. I get so depressed and anxious when I forget things or don’t get stuff done like I promise my husband or my boss. I know my brain is messed up, and Jessica is just like me. Why would I think her fate is going to be any different?”

Rose had a very strong belief that biology was determining her future as well as her daughter’s. She was reluctant to consider that her daughter’s life could take a different path from hers. She had a difficult time thinking about Jessica as a separate person with her own unique characteristics. I reminded her that she and her husband had been addressing Jessica’s learning problems and getting help for her. I also pointed out that this was very different from her own experience growing up. I emphasized that there are many influences other than biology that influence a person’s development. I also asked Rose to tell me anything she could think of about Jessica’s accomplishments. We both listened to the list Rose came up with: “Great piano player, really good artist, hula-hoop champion, kind person, good swimmer, and I guess other stuff, too.” Rose reluctantly acknowledged, “Yes, I suppose her brain works OK in some ways.”

Rose and I spent a lot of time talking not only about Jessica, but also about Rose’s negative sense of self. It was harder for her to take seriously that she has her own accomplishments. It was even more difficult to consider that Jessica was like her in some ways and not others. (Rose is a terrible artist and swimmer!) Our work has centered on Rose’s struggle to experience herself in positive ways and on seeing Jessica as a separate, differentiated individual. We have also been talking about how painful it is to see your child have areas of deficit, and even worse when you feel you are the cause. Helping Rose to talk about her impaired sense of self and its development has allowed her to make distinctions between her own experience and Jessica’s. I have tried to help Rose consider that while there could be some biology at work in regard to Jessica’s learning disabilities, so much more than being “just like me” is involved in what makes Jessica who she is.

We are familiar with parents feeling great pride in how they played a role in their children’s successes. But when parents boast incessantly about their children’s accomplishments to the extent it doesn’t feel like typical parental pleasure, we typically consider them to be narcissistic. For Peter and Rose, their great dismay in what they perceived as their children’s deficits, problems, and failures was also narcissistic.

The term narcissism comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, in which Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection in a pool. The notion of reflection is pertinent to the experiences of Peter and Rose. Rather than experiencing narcissistic pleasure, these distraught parents experienced a narcissistic wound. They couldn’t tolerate the pain of looking into the pool (i.e., at their child who also represents the parent) and seeing something that is not “beautiful” reflected back. When they looked at their children, they saw a reflection of themselves. It was intolerable that the reflection they saw was “a mess” or had a “damaged brain.” It was not “beautiful.”

These parents are responding narcissistically, and they have not differentiated themselves from their children. One has to wonder how parents, who view their children as reflections of themselves, may have influenced their child’s separation/individuation process. As parents become more aware that their beliefs that their children are or are supposed to be “just like them” are assumptions, they will be in a better position to examine those beliefs. As a result, parents will experience less pain, and their children will be helped to develop into separate, unique individuals.

One of the reasons many children do not tell anyone about being sexually abused is because they fear that their loved ones will not believe them. Often, their abuser is a friend or family member, and although children may know that what occurred is wrong, they may be confused and worried that their caregivers will think they have misconstrued the behavior. Children who feel neglected or maltreated by caregivers may feel reluctant to disclose abuse, and many abusers threaten children, creating more reasons for nondisclosure. However, when children do reveal abuse, getting them to explain the abuse in a way sufficient to lead to prosecution can be challenging.

Various methods of interrogation are used on child-abuse victims, including open-ended questions, yes/no questions, “What happened?” questions, and “How did that make you feel?” questions. For the most part, open-ended questions and “what” questions tend to provide the least amount of detail. Children often are unable to articulate the details of their abuse. And while “how” questions that prompt children to reveal their physical reactions and feelings allow them to detail their personal experience in great detail, this is the most rarely used form of interrogation. To explore which method would provide the most accurate recollection of abuse and elicit emotional responses that could demonstrate credibility to jurors, judges, and therapists, Thomas D. Lyon of the Department of Psychology at the University of Southern California recently examined transcripts from more than 100 child-abuse cases.

Lyon discovered that when children were asked closed-ended questions such as yes/no, their responses were narrow and they exhibited little emotion. Similarly, when they were asked “What happened?” they were hesitant to reveal details and appeared emotionally undisturbed. But when children were asked how the abuse made them feel and what their physical reactions were, the responses were extremely vivid and consistent. They demonstrated emotional responses and used words such as angry, sad, afraid, confused, “sick to my stomach,” and dirty. They manifested facial and physical reactions that allowed those interviewing them to see the damage of the abuse in ways that the children could not articulate when prompted with direct questioning. “Children can be surprisingly articulate about their reactions to sexual abuse, despite their apparent lack of affect in describing the abuse itself,” Lyon said. He hopes that these findings will motivate interviewers, prosecutors, and mental health professionals to evaluate physical and emotional reactions of abuse as a means to gather details from child sexual abuse victims.

Reference:
Lyon, Thomas D., Nicholas Scurich, Karen Choi, Sally Handmaker, and Rebecca Blank. ‘How did you feel?’: Increasing child sexual abuse witnesses’ production of evaluative information. Law and Human Behavior 36.5 (2012): 448-57. Print.

A client recently described how thrilling it was to take her daughter to see the Broadway musical Annie.  She recalled that her mother took her to see it when she was a child, and it had been an indelibly wonderful experience. Now she had the pleasure of providing the same thrill for her daughter. I thought how special it was for my client to share this with her daughter and how lucky my client was that her daughter had the same feelings about the experience. It also reminded me that so many parents who want to provide what they believe to be all the right things for their children are not always met with such good feelings.

I recalled another client whose desire to recreate his delight for his son was dashed when he took him to the rodeo and was met with the response, “This is stupid.” In spite of their most nurturing and positive intentions, parents may find that their wishes and rules for their children are met with rejection. This can create painful feelings, including insult, hurt, anger, and disappointment. “Drew,” a 42-year-old client, was in a prolonged struggle with his 8-year-old daughter about piano lessons she adamantly refused to take. He told me, “When I was a kid, I refused to continue piano lessons after a few months. My parents never insisted I continue. I’m not going to let that happen to my daughter. She isn’t old enough to know what she wants or what the consequences of her actions will be.”

As Drew and I explored his feelings, it became clear that he not only felt disappointed, he felt rejected by his daughter. “It feels like she is telling me, ‘Get out of here, you don’t know what’s good for me,’ ” he said. I responded: “I can see how upset you are about this, but I wonder what it is that makes you feel so personally rejected. Is it possible that your daughter is different from you?” Drew’s first response was, “She’s my daughter and she is like me. I just know this is very important for her to do. When I was a child, I didn’t know I was making a terrible mistake. My parents should have known and pushed me to continue.”

It took a lot of talking for Drew to become aware of his many disappointments about the ways his parents had been involved in his life when he was a child. He began to consider that he might not need to protect his daughter from this disappointment. He recognized that his daughter might, like him, regret not learning the piano, but forcing her to take lessons could easily turn her away from the piano. He realized that her experience and development was and will be different from his and she is a different person with her own thoughts and feelings. After all, she has different parents than he did. The more Drew could understand his daughter’s need to differentiate from him, the easier it was not to feel so rejected and hurt.

When parents assert their desires for their children, it is not unusual for them to be met with expressions of different or opposing wants and needs. Pushing back against what parents want is a necessary part of a child’s development. For a healthy sense of self to grow, children need to differentiate from their parents and become unique, separate, individual selves. This doesn’t mean children are totally different from or always in opposition to their parents. It does mean children need to develop minds of their own. Having one’s own mind is about being able to think about your needs and wants without being overly influenced by others. Ideally, the wishes of others are considered, but ultimately one makes his or her own life choices. Obviously, the degree of autonomy for a 4-year-old differs from that of a 13-year-old and again for a 20-year-old. When children are not given the space to differentiate from their parents and don’t develop a self that is confident and strong, they will not have developed the autonomy to make life choices and get what they want as they enter full adulthood.

At age 53, “Anne” was struggling with her teenage son, “Noah.” She came to therapy expressing feelings of anger and insult from their encounters. She explained that he fought her at every turn about anything she asked of him: cleaning his room, doing household chores, getting his college applications completed.  “I don’t believe how he treats me,” she said. “He says things like, ‘Leave me alone and mind your own business.’ Is that any way to speak to your mother? I feel so hurt and insulted. Doesn’t he know I only want what’s best for him?” In great distress, Anne added, “He has become a terrible person. He is so mean and inconsiderate. He seems like a completely different person than the son I felt loved me a year ago.”

As we talked, Anne described how when she was growing up she never went against her parents. When we explored her past and present relationships, Anne began to wonder if her early experiences being compliant are related to her difficulty asserting herself as an adult. She described how difficult it is for her to disagree with her husband and how she doesn’t always feel so good about herself. She realized that it wasn’t just with her son that she felt so badly treated. “I guess I don’t feel very powerful,” she said. “I have a lot of trouble believing that what I think and feel is OK. I always followed the rules with my parents. Maybe I didn’t develop what Noah needs to do—be someone who feels OK asserting himself when there is opposition.” Many parents with teenagers experience difficult feelings in their parent-teenager relationships. For Anne, the feelings of insult and rejection were intolerable. Even worse for her was the terrible shame she felt about her negative feelings toward her son: “I’m the terrible person. Mothers shouldn’t feel this way.”

How to handle this kind of situation with teenagers is controversial. Furthermore, how any parent hears what a child says is open to interpretation and may be related to how the parent differentiated from his or her own parents. While Anne felt insulted and hurt, another parent in these circumstances might shrug and think, “When will these awful teenage years pass?” On one end of the continuum of parental response, parents might believe that a child of any age should never be permitted to say anything that is hurtful, disrespectful, or angry to a parent. At the other end of the response continuum, parents might accept any expression their child makes without intervening. An extreme example might be if a teenager said, “You’re an awful parent, you have no business having children,” and a parent made no protest about being treated that way. On this far end of the continuum, the lack of a parental response to push against doesn’t provide the child with the feeling that there is a strong parental self to separate from. If there is no other out there to individuate from, it becomes difficult for a child to develop a sense of who he or she is and the ability to be autonomous. The child is left wondering, “Who am I?” Potentially more problematic, the child may be left with a feeling of powerlessness. He or she has not been given the experience of successfully asserting his or her developing self in the world.

There is a lot of room along this continuum for parents to develop responses that feel comfortable to them while allowing some room for their children to develop their unique selves. It helps if parents let their children know what behaviors are acceptable. For instance, telling a child, “You can’t talk to me that way” is not the same as saying, “You can’t be angry at me,” or “You are hurting my feelings.”

When children respond to parents in disappointing or unacceptable ways, it is important that parents stop and consider how they will meet that response. Each situation requires thought. Sometimes, interfering with the child’s wishes or experiences provides an opportunity for the child to push back against the parent and feel a sense of his or her developing self. At other times, supporting the child’s differentiation provides the child with a sense of confidence and recognition of his or her developing self. No matter the age of the child, parents who are curious and interested in why there is disparity or opposition are communicating their openness to more than one way of behaving and/or feeling. This openness to difference helps children develop into self-confident, autonomous adults. Moreover, parents are less likely to repeat the dynamics of their own childhoods if they consider their children’s behavior from a developmental perspective. They will be in a better position to not take things so personally and will feel less hurt, insulted, or disrespected by their children.

Many mental health professionals consider the three “A’s”—addiction, affairs, and abuse—sufficient reason to leave a partner. This blog addresses lower-level offenses related to the first two. While most couples can overcome low-level indiscretions in any area of the three “A’s,” when multiple indiscretions occur or the degree of severity is greater, it may be time to throw in the proverbial towel. As couples grapple with why one partner cheated or entered the depths of alcoholism or drug addiction, they need to evaluate the patterns of relating they have become used to, the interpersonal dynamics they engage in, the dances they dance, and the issues they may have brought into the relationship. One theme that consistently emerges is the degree to which couples are honest with each other. How much do they divulge? How important is it to tell the truth? Do you really need to tell your partner everything?

In Alcoholics Anonymous, we hear people say, “We are as sick as our secrets.” Family addiction therapists are fond of saying that there are no family secrets. By this, they mean that even when we believe that other family members don’t know a certain secret, that secret still has an impact on everyone in the family. If individual members don’t know the specifics of the secret, they are still impacted by it and sense or experience it unconsciously—and that can affect the whole family. I work with patients who learned in their twenties or later in life that they were adopted, that their parents were once married to an abusive spouse, or that they have a sibling they never knew, among other revelations.

I’ve also become aware of the extent to which sober and recovering clients keep things from their partners. Even in relatively healthy relationships, there appears to be a fair amount of small-scale concealment and deception, though the extent of the infractions often is debatable. Several clients I see—coincidentally or not, all men—have reported engaging in exercise cheating. What’s that, you ask? Exercise cheating, essentially, is exercising and not telling your partner, or not revealing how much or what type of exercise one engages in.

Even I have been guilty of cheating on my wife. A few years back, as I was setting up my new Philadelphia office, I decided to buy a painting by an artist that my wife and I liked. My wife studies art history, and I thought she would appreciate that I was acquiring a painting by a Temple University master’s graduate. And while $650 is no small chunk of change for this sort of thing, I thought it was a great investment for my new office. I thought I would surprise her with the purchase. Instead, she was angry. “You art cheated!” she cried as soon as she saw it. She was genuinely annoyed that I had not consulted with her on a purchase of this magnitude. Whether I was right or wrong in purchasing something of that cost for my office was not the issue. What is important is my partner’s perceived betrayal and need for dialogue, negotiation, and consultation.

Many hypothesize that cheating behavior is related to vestiges of evolutionary differences among men and women. While this theory would be a gross generalization in today’s society, it suggests that it was more adaptive in an evolutionary way for men to cheat than for women to cheat. Assuming evolution prioritizes any behavior designed to propagate one’s genes, men may benefit from spreading their genes in a quantity-focused way. Women, meanwhile, have long gestation and nursing periods which may temporarily move them to be more devoted and committed to their offspring. Thus, they benefit from finding a better quality mate. In other words, women are biologically, or at least evolutionarily, better at taking care of their young, especially in early developmental stages. Most people agree, and research appears to back this up, that most men think about sex more frequently than women do. While both men and women want to find a quality mate, men may be more inclined to seek quantity than women are.

According to this evolutionary perspective, neither men nor women want their mates to cheat because a mate who cheats may have more offspring, which in turn means that mate is less likely to care for the original partner’s offspring and more likely to leave and care for his or her new offspring. It is in a man’s evolutionarily best interest not to alert his partner to the fact he is cheating. Any behavior—sexual or not—that results in producing healthy offspring is powerfully reinforced to the extent that it aids in propagating an individual’s genes. So, infidelity and hiding that infidelity through the processes of natural selection and evolution can become more prevalent over time.

A fair question would be whether cheating sexually is related at all to other types of cheating. Just because a partner doesn’t tell a mate where he or she is going and what he or she is doing doesn’t mean that an affair is happening, and it doesn’t mean that a tendency toward nonmonogamous behavior is the cause of disingenuous behavior in the context of the couple. In fact, the point of this article is to lessen the impact of minor violations of the honesty contract. Putting small indiscretions of dishonesty in an evolutionary context may allow couples to see this behavior as resulting from the natural instincts of the animals we are. What is important, though, is that as humans we have the capacity to dialogue. This is precisely what can keep our natural tendencies in check. Speaking honestly to our partners about our needs and wants, while often challenging, is the hallmark of a healthy relationship.

Smoking gun example: A client once described an interaction he had with his wife after she busted him for smoking pot in the garage. She smelled the smoke even as he vehemently denied he had been smoking marijuana. When she found his metal pipe, still warm, he stuck to his story. “The lie just came out,” he explained later. “I was so used to it.” He eventually was able to talk about why he lied and why he has often felt the need to cover things up. It had nothing to do with infidelity, but was instead linked to his history of struggling to feel good about himself, to be able to ask for help with his emotions feelings and thoughts and to find purpose and meaning in his life. Beginning to discuss these issues with his wife and therapist helped him think more carefully about his tendency to lie and cover his tracks. He became better at advocating for himself and negotiating with his partner in a more healthy way.

Honesty is important in recovery from any mental health issue, whether it be depression, anxiety, or stress, but it is especially important in recovery from addiction and substance use because of the strong tendencies to hide, deny, and minimize one’s behaviors. Seeing an addiction psychologist or other specialist is an important first step in understanding one’s self. It is in this therapeutic relationship that a quick foundation can be set for the basis of an honest dialogue with one’s partner, friends, and family. Rebuilding relationships with those we love and who love us is essential to recovery from addiction. Understanding ourselves and the reasons we might cheat and lie can enable us to pause just long enough to ask ourselves whether we really want to go ahead with the behavior or if we might be able to rely on those close to us to help us through the difficult times. Honest communication with the people in our lives is the only way we can become and stay sober or make meaningful and lasting changes in our lives.

“Shy is the most terrible feeling that you can get.”

“Shyness is a habit that began when someone was afraid to talk and didn’t know what to do. Sometimes shyness can make us seem boring.”

“If I say the wrong thing, I shy to say something again.”

“I am shy because I’m afraid that people will laugh at me. If someone laughs at me, I will feel afraid, shy and I think I did something wrong.” (Other fears are “teasing and whispering.)

“I hope I can get rid of shy, but it’s really hard.”

“I want to be less shy because I don’t want always to be a shy girl, and I want to be a good, smart, and brave girl.”

These words come from the students in my sixth grade English-as-a-second-language classroom in Central Kalimantan, Indonesia. We were talking about “shy” because all of them worry about being laughed at or being wrong or not good enough. One student covers his mouth when he can’t think of what to say or is too shy to say it. Another student speaks so softly that I we have to read her lips to understand. Over the semester the things that seem to help the most are: “Would you like us to come back to you?” “Would you like a little help?” “Maybe you could write it for me,” saying in a playful, singsong voice, “Just a little bit louder and a little bit slower.” Sometimes I say, “Did you understand?” If the others shake their heads, I ask, “Would you like to?” When they nod yes, I say, “So could you say it again, please?”

Still, after some months their shyness was still interfering with speaking and learning. I knew that what they were thinking and feeling was so much greater than what they could say aloud. As the above sentences show, their writing was more revealing than their words. However, one of our major class goals is to increase confidence and fluency in speaking English.

One day, the other sixth grade teacher unexpectedly had to leave, so class expanded to 12 students. We began with the “yes, and” game in which one person begins a story and then turns to the student next to him who says, “yes, and” and then continues the story. When a student was shy and couldn’t think what to say, the other students laughed. It seemed like “release of anxiety laugh” rather than a mean laugh, but it was laughter—just what these students are most afraid of. We finished the first round of the story.

“So, some of you felt shy.” (Heads nod.) “In class Six A, we have talked about when you are shy you are most afraid of being laughed at, right?” (Heads nod again.) “So how many of you felt shy?” (Most hands go up.) “How many of you are afraid of being laughed at?” (Most hands.) “How many of you laughed?” (Most hands.) “What kind of laughter was it?” “Just teasing, not mean,” answered one student as the others nodded. “So, let’s try an experiment. In the next story, let’s make an agreement that no one will laugh. Okay?” To my amazement, during the next round of a new story, some of the students were slow, but all spoke, we heard all of them, and no one laughed. (Two students did begin to laugh out of habit but caught themselves and stopped.) “So, what did you notice?” “We didn’t laugh.” “Right.” “What else did you notice?” “We hear everyone.” “Yes. So, it seems that when you are not afraid of being laughed at, you don’t feel and act so shy.” They nod.

In our next class, we talked some more. “What are you imagining that the others are thinking when they are laughing at you?” “You’re not good enough. You’re a fool. You’re bad.” “No wonder you don’t want to talk,” I said. “How scary. So, when you’re laughing, what are you thinking?” “Not mean things, Bu.” One brave student said, “I’m laughing because I’m glad it’s not me.” Another said, “I’m laughing to be friendly because the silence feels bad.” Another brave student: “Sometimes I am thinking they are not smart, but even if I’m thinking that, I don’t have to laugh.”

“So, let’s make a picture of this. Action 1: You are feeling shy and are having a hard time speaking. Step 2: Others laugh. Step 3: You think they are thinking one of these things:

(Here we listed all their thoughts and then rated them in this order. ‘I’m not good enough.’ (All the students named this one.) ‘I’m bad. I’m a fool. They hate me. I’m wrong.’ Step 4: You feel even more shy. Step 5: Others laugh . . . . So, it just goes on and on, maybe even getting worse. Does that seem right?” (Heads nod.)

Interestingly, in Indonesian, the word shy (malu) is also a word for shame. And, indeed, shy and shame feel like cousins to me. Cousins with a big difference. Shy is a normal feeling and results in behavior that can be changed. Shame is an intense and irreparable feeling of core inadequacy, badness, or unworthiness; one is forever doomed. The impact of shame is secrecy, disconnection, and an inability to assess reality. Shame: I AM not good enough. I AM unlikeable. I AM a fool. I AM a mistake. Shy: I don’t feel good enough. I feel disliked. I feel like a fool. I made a mistake.

I explained this difference to the students and we talked about how most of the time they are making up what the others are thinking and it is not at all true. “Oh, I understand. Yes, I’m making it up.” We translated the shame ideas to shy ideas. I AM not a good enough person became I’m feeling not good enough right now. I AM bad became I’m feeling bad right now. I AM a fool became I’m feeling foolish. They hate me became sometimes I don’t feel like people like me. I AM wrong became I made a mistake. They tried out feeling what the difference was between the sentences on each side of the big sheet of paper. Then I whispered in each student’s ear: “You’re good enough even when you feel shy.” Each one shyly smiled.

Back to writing. “Please write about shy again.”

“I’m not shy when I really know about the other person.”

“If I get shy or say the wrong thing, I want my friends are not laughing at me, but they can help me.”

“Stop caring too much about what the other people thinks about you.”

“The best way to not be shy is to be brave and try to do that thing even if you are shy.”

“I’m not shy when someone make me confident.”

“When I’m not shy, I feel like a hero because I’m brave.”

This was a heroic topic for this group of students to explore. During the next week, we tried a few things that I found on the internet to help with shyness. For example, appreciating yourself, breathing from your belly, moving your body, imagining yourself as confident and happy, getting more comfortable with making mistakes, remembering that everyone feels shy sometimes, noticing and writing down your successes.

Now, at the end of the semester, all the students except one, by their own assessment, feel more fluent and confident speaking in English. All of them still are slow to speak in English sometimes. They’re still afraid of not doing well enough sometimes. But they know the difference between, “I don’t feel good enough right now and I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH and the difference between, “I made a mistake, and I AM A MISTAKE.”

Shame, the cousin of shyness, is a right use of power issue because the feeling is so intense and feels so irreparable that it disconnects people from relationships, disempowers them, and removes their ability to assess reality. When activated by shame, people are out of relationship with others. When out of relationship with others, and unable to assess reality, people misuse their personal and positional power in ways that harm themselves or those around them or in their care. Understanding the dynamic of shame and helping yourself and others disengage from it are high priorities for using power wisely and well.

Related articles:
Shame as an Ethics Issue – Part III
Don’t Underestimate Me: Ethical Use of Power for and With Children
Excessive Impression Management and Interference With Identity

Women have been stereotypically defined as being more emotional than men. In popular culture, women are depicted as being more emotionally volatile, often erupting into fits of sadness, anger, despair or jealousy much more frequently than their male counterparts. But is this portrayal scientifically accurate? Research has shown that there are differences in how men and women emotionally respond to situations. However, little research has addressed the core self-conscious emotions (SCE) of men and women and how they differ. Nicole M. Else-Quest of the Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland in Baltimore sought to debunk the myth that women have less emotional regulation than men. She recently conducted a study that compared male and female levels of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and pride in data gathered from over 300 studies.

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Existing research has shown that women and men differ in their risks for some mental health issues such as depression, food and eating issues, anxiety, and self-worth. How men and women experience SCEs has a direct influence on their likelihood of developing these and other psychological problems. Else-Quest analyzed over 200,000 self-reports and found that for the most part, women and men had similar levels of SCEs. The results revealed slightly higher levels of guilt and shame in the women, but minimal differences in pride and embarrassment. Else-Quest also looked at age as a factor because men and women tend to exhibit the first signs of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem at different ages. She found that although there were relatively few differences in SCEs in early childhood, women reported higher levels of SCEs, primarily shame and guilt, during adolescence.

Overall, Else-Quest discovered that women experienced the highest levels of guilt and shame when they were asked about sex, food and eating, body image, or the environment. Although the rates of SCEs in these areas were only slightly higher for women than men, these results support existing research regarding women’s emotional perceptions about sex, body image, and eating problems. Else-Quest concluded by saying that even though women had minimally elevated levels of guilt and shame, the men and women reported levels of pride and embarrassment that were virtually identical. She added, “These findings contribute to the literature demonstrating that blanket stereotypes about women’s greater emotionality are inaccurate.”

Reference:
Else-Quest, N. M., Higgins, A., Allison, C., Morton, L. C. (2012). Gender differences in self-conscious emotional experience: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0027930

Whether or not we believe we should talk about sex with our therapist in treatment may have something to do with what we believe therapy is for or what the expected outcome is.

Are you going to therapy for a relationship issue? For a mental disorder such as depression or anxiety? To overcome trauma? Or because you are having a difficult time adjusting to a new situation? Therapy is useful for a multitude of issues, and no, sex may not be the most significant thing affected by a particular issue, but it definitely doesn’t hurt for the therapist to ask about it, to allow for the conversation to include some open, honest discussion not just about sex but also about sexuality, to at least let the client know it is okay to bring up the topic of sex in the therapist’s office.

Pervasive in our society is the inability to talk about sex, awkwardness, and embarrassment, which in turn leave us often bereft of the coping skills required to handle sexual issues in our relationship as they come up. When we avoid talking about sex with our partners, it can lead us down the path of avoiding talking about lots of other things as well. We all know that open, honest communication is key in successful relationships, so the absence of conversation and inability to talk about sex with our partners can be like a ripple effect in the breakdown of communication in a relationship.  And when we go to therapy and our therapist also doesn’t feel comfortable talking about sex, the therapist in turn perpetuates what society has taught us—that sex is too taboo to talk about. This may be okay for some, but not for all. Some people want a more comprehensive experience.  Some people want more than just a quick fix for their problems. Some people want to address the problems at their root. Some people want real change and real growth.

In treating relationships, sex must be addressed. Sex is not always everything, but in relationships it is definitely something. Most therapists treat some aspect of relationships. Even when an individual comes in for treatment for depression, anxiety, trauma, a new life situation, etc., if the person in therapy is involved in a relationship, or is dating, or even if they are single and celibate, a few questions encouraging open, honest communication about any concerns he/she has about sex can make all the difference in the world. Therapy should be a nonjudgmental safe haven where an individual can work stuff out, ask questions, and find answers. An avoidant therapist who is uncomfortable talking about sex sends a subtle message that can perpetuate feelings of shame, guilt, or embarrassment about sex, which in the end thwarts growth. Therapy should promote growth, not thwart it.  In couples therapy, it is absolutely pertinent to ask about sex.

Feelings about our sexuality and our bodies are core in our lives. Many people walk around feeling bad about their desires or fantasies. Shame and guilt about sex are extremely common, and people have very little awareness of this. If a self-loathing, self-hating, guilt-ridden client comes to therapy, is it not best to address where the feelings come from? A client may not be that aware of the root of the problems. It is important for the therapist to open the door for exploration and discussion.

Therapists do not even have to be especially knowledgeable about sex. In fact, therapists rarely know anything about what the client has experienced, in terms of sex or any other aspects of the person’s life. Therapists are trained to ask questions in order to understand the client’s experience. The client is the expert on his or her experience. A therapist’s job is to ask questions and provide a nonjudgmental environment to foster the client’s growth.  In looking at it from this model, therapists do not need to be well-versed in something to be open about it.

Therapy is a holistic health treatment that is helpful in guiding people to lead happier, healthier, genuine, and more honest lives all the way around. In therapy we attempt to break down the road blocks that prevent us from moving forward on our life journey, whether it be in our relationships at work or with our friends, family, or partner. Many psychological issues have a physical manifestation. It is important to remember that a sexual issue may be a representation of something bigger, stemming from depression, anxiety, or a relationship problem. We cannot treat problems in a vacuum. Mind and body are connected. When you leave sex out of treatment, the client’s journey remains incomplete.

Related articles:
Sex Talk
The Importance of Addressing Sexual Issues in General Therapy
The Elephant in the Room: Why We Need Full Disclosure in Sex Therapy

After 5 years of sobriety, in 1985, I began to notice a pattern in my sexual relationships: Even if I really liked someone, I couldn’t go more than 3 months before my attraction to them fizzled. I would then find some reason to end the relationship, although I never really understood why, and it made me feel bad. Thankfully, while I was leading a weekend retreat on Spirituality in Recovery, one participant pressed for bringing the subject of sex into the process.

Although I was unprepared, it gave me the opportunity to address the issue, and I shared my struggles with the group. When I asked if anyone else identified with the issue, all hands went up. I immediately felt a sense of relief, having previously thought I was uniquely flawed. And then I felt angry that no one had told me about this before, which launched my enthusiasm to shift the primary focus of my work. I began to create healing techniques for underlying trauma and sexual challenges.

The sexual-spiritual split, a deep psychic schism within almost everyone, prohibits loving relationships from forming and enduring. The chasm between sex and love, caused by generational, cultural, religious, and early programming, planted seeds in our unconscious that makes merging with another virtually impossible without the specific healing that new perspectives and experiences can offer.

In the previous article (Part One), I describe the subtle powers of Source Energy, our innate intelligence, to direct us forward. I have chosen sexual healing as the next pathway for expanding our access to Source Energy, although there is no particular linear course. Sexual energy, primal and fundamental to our nature, fully awakens our sensorial nature that always knows our best next step in life. A shift in perspective in our relationship toward the life force in sex can expand our Source Energy.

Like most of us who grew up in the Western world, I internalized sex and all references to it as shunned experiences to keep secret. Many of us received discordant messages in our formative years: love, family, and good deeds provide a happy, acceptable life. Conversely, anything having to do with sex, or even our bodies, was cloaked in a wall of shame and secrecy. While experiences vary, our collective consciousness suffers from this split, locking us out of our own rich, informative, multidimensional sensuality.

There are five key elements to dissolving the sexual/spiritual split:

Shifting Concepts: S.E.X.

Our erotic energy pathways have suffered trauma and distortion. To heal those wounds by utilizing expansive Source Energy, we must gently put our old concepts about sex aside. Most of us never developed a healthy, conscious context for having erotic pleasure. We clumsily fall into sex, gradually shaping ideas about it from what we have observed, and from our own, perhaps awkward, experiences.

When barriers dissolve, we are more likely to have more of what could be called “sacred” or “transcendent sex” and an openness to meaning and purpose for all types of lovemaking, including with ourselves. In paying attention to old sexual identities, we can rediscover, or in some cases reinvent, a new meaning of sex. Our willingness to detach from outdated conditioned thinking is the foundation for transforming sexuality to the sacred.

To help us step out of the cultural box, my partner and I created the abbreviation, S.E.X., for Soul Energy eXchange. It suggests we can choose to enlighten our sexual experiences by focusing on energy that comes from our souls, not just our bodies, and thereby designing a new outlook on pleasure. For those who are willing, it does take a bit of work. It’s rare that I’ve met anyone with an ongoing rich and fulfilling sexual life who did not have to go back in their history to create new contexts for their erotic experiences. But the payoff is huge.

S.E.X. Primary Energies

There are four primary forces in Erotic Ritual’s Soul Energy eXchange (S.E.X.): love, pleasure, lingam, and yoni, which are Hindu Sanskrit terms for penis and vagina. Though lingam energy is typically male identified as drive, pursuance, initiation, and aggression, it’s an energy shared in both genders. Yoni energy, feminine, receptive, creative, and artistic, is also found in both sexes. Love is an energy transmitted from the heart. It can be felt through hands of a lover or from a father or mother to a child. It is gender-neutral. Love means losing ourselves in the beloved. Pleasure takes many forms, but erotic pleasure can be defined as stimulation of the pleasure centers of the brain through visual and tactile stimulation. While some have a low threshold for erotic pleasure, others may find everything erotically pleasurable.

The kind of love we are exploring is the love that moves us to listen and intuit what our lover wants, to care about the other person’s needs. It is best to have the constant energy of love as the foundation for everything in life. The energy of love can be triggered by the energy of pleasure, but it is at its greatest when love is present first.

We have all experienced limiting conditioning in the expression of our lingam and/or yoni energies. Most of us experienced some sort of trauma that blocks our love and pleasure energies as well. Unlocking trauma and toxicity of shame and melting frozen erotic energies are pathways to the sacred. Judgment- free experimentation, using all four of these soulful forces, leads us on a path to the divine, to earth energy, and to a greater connection with the universe.

Perhaps more than in other rituals, through Erotic Ritual we learn that we are all expressions of a much larger source of communal energy. It melts barriers and we feel less isolated. Notice when you are having an erotic experience there is always giving and receiving of energy. Sometimes it’s reciprocated or sometimes one is consistently giving or receiving, and either is fine. Allow yourself to be really present in any prolonged erotic exchange and you will find yourself in a circle of energy. (The yoni expression fully experiences the lingam expression, and vice versa.)

Sexual Concerns

The very private issues that people have shared with me about sex have ranged from not feeling that they are desirable, to experiencing a sexual apathy, erectile and/or orgasmic dysfunction, or feeling detached from a loving partner. Sometimes it’s an obsession with body parts that they just don’t like or think something is wrong with.

Many people carry much the same type of burden, sometimes silently. The principles of Source Energy can have a very beneficial impact in renegotiating and resolving these hardships. With the right resources, including therapy in some cases, the barriers to erotic fulfillment will dissolve, creating possibilities for a blissful engagement with one’s self and with another.

When the sex in a monogamous relationship is unsatisfying, a substantial foundation is at risk. If the condition lingers, with sex becoming almost nonexistent, then the relationship is compromised. Often couples aren’t equipped with the tools to communicate sensitive issues. Their avoidance, sometimes lasting years, continues the downward spiral. Addressing these problems with the assistance of Source Energy can enhance those very skills.

Happily, mine is a loving, growing, and sexually fulfilling relationship, lasting many years. All of our efforts have paid off. Creating sacred time and using it for shame-free sex while opening our hearts, along with taking responsibility and respecting ourselves, have all been key. Sexual loving intensifies consciousness and pure love. In that vast, nurturing ocean there is no ego, nothing to defend, only a sense of just being and connection.

Communication in these sensitive areas can at first feel like hard work. With practice, it eventually becomes quite natural. When my partner and I explored having a committed relationship those many years ago, my primary request was that our sexual relations be the first priority in our union. Even in a number of long-term relationships I’d been in there was the sex-spirit split, along with undeveloped communication skills, causing sex and sensuality to wither. They were left with a sense of deadness in a potentially thriving relationship.

Instead, having made the commitment, we began a life of focalized conscious S.E.X. Expansiveness and sexual gratification became a planned, sacrosanct part of our time together. While it might seem to defy spontaneity, let me suggest that there is a significant payoff. Respecting existing realities—being tired, stressed, too busy, or distracted—doesn’t mean spontaneity is stifled. Rather, without earnest communication of our needs and desires, or without planning, we cannot build rich, enduring erotic lives.

Sexuality, Higher Consciousness, and Fantasy

Although it could feel clumsy, it is crucial to learn to express what we need and desire, as well as what we fantasize about. I like to call it reclaiming adolescent awkwardness, to allow people to go where it might be difficult, in order to heal the sexual-spiritual split, a requirement in forming intimate relationships that are authentic.

In sexual counseling, many are curious about where their fantasies come from, often feeling shame for having them. I tell my clients good fantasies are like rainbows, mysterious and beautiful, sometimes fleeting, and they are to be respected. Their origins may vary from abuses early in life to Freudian, or they may relate to recollections of pleasure from our past. Sometimes they mysteriously come from no conscious recollection whatsoever. Focalizing Source Energy filters the shame out of our fantasies and allow us to fall more deeply in love with ourselves. Self-love is essential to grow in sacred sexuality. Having fantasies doesn’t mean we’re bad or that something is wrong with us, as we don’t have to act on them. Only shame is Godless. Removing the shame from our fantasies transforms them, and that contributes to keeping a long-term relationship sexually alive.

Natural Resistance to S.E.X.

With all our knowledge we still encounter resistance to a loving fusion of our sexual and spiritual energies. The delicate nature of exploring repressed sexual history is likely to trigger that very resistance. When we appreciate the essence of our resistance to removing shame, our fantasies can be an entryway to joyous energetic harmony, where we can experience full-body orgasm along with deeply felt spirituality. Full-body orgasm refers to a burst of the four energies in S.E.X. that can take over every dimension of our physical and subtle energy being. When this happens, we can experience expansiveness and sometimes formlessness that is sublime. It is a full-body encounter that is uniquely restorative when we feel depleted and deeply relaxing when we are tense.

If we can consent to the reality that energy and its many vibrations and frequencies make up our physical reality, we can learn new skills to heal, with an efficient pathway to our inner wisdom. When we energetically experience resolution in our bodies from sexual barriers, we land in the divine center of Source Energy. As we tap into it, the more it begins to lovingly lead our lives.

Related articles:
Part I: Source Energy Optimizes Life – Finding Source Energy
What Do Your Sexual Fantasies Mean?
Fanning the Spark of Sexual Passion

Failure is a part of life. How an individual perceives their failure gives an indication of their overall sense of well-being and adjustment. Reflecting on past failures through imagery can provide even further detail into the one’s coping strategies. “As people recall and imagine life events, they often form mental images of those events and may do so from different visual perspectives,” said Lisa K. Libby of the Department of Psychology at Ohio State University. “With the first-person perspective, one sees the event from their own vantage point, as an actor in the scene; with the third-person perspective, one sees the event from an external vantage point, watching the self. This subtle phenomenological variable can have powerful effects on responses to pictured events, influencing judgment, emotion, and behavior.” Libby was interested to see if this shift in perspective was influenced by self-esteem, or if self-esteem played a role in how perspective affected one’s perception of failure. “One of the most well documented differences between low- and high-self-esteem individuals (LSEs and HSEs) is in how they react to failure: LSEs have more extreme negative reactions,” said Libby. “In particular, LSEs are prone to overgeneralize, a response style that is characterized by ‘a tendency to bring thoughts of personal inadequacy to mind and/or experience a reduction in the sense of self-worth.’”

Libby and her colleagues enrolled 83 undergraduate students in their study. The students were instructed to recall a failure they had experienced or to imagine one, from whichever perspective came naturally. The results revealed that LSE’s overgeneralized when they viewed their failures from the third-person. “In contrast, no such effects of self-esteem emerged when individuals pictured failure from the first-person perspective.” Libby added, “Further, among LSEs, picturing failure from the third-person, as opposed to first-person, perspective produced greater negativity in accessible self-knowledge and greater shame. Among HSEs, no such detrimental effects of third person imagery occurred—only beneficial effects.” Libby believes these results have important implications for understanding how clients cope with failure in their lives.

Reference:
Libby, L. K., Valenti, G., Pfent, A., & Eibach, R. P. (2011, November 7). Seeing Failure in Your Life: Imagery Perspective Determines Whether Self-Esteem Shapes Reactions to Recalled and Imagined Failure. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026105

Yesterday Ellen walked into my office looking annoyed and confused. “I don’t know what to do. Robin invited me to her wedding and I don’t want to go, but I think I should. It’s a destination wedding, a long weekend in Mexico- four days! It might be fun but I can’t afford it, and I can’t take time off from work either. But I have to go.”

“Why do you have to go?” I asked.
“Because of what happened. Her parents both died in an auto accident last year, and she will feel awful getting married without them.”
“That is tragic. Who is standing up for her?”
“Luckily, Robin has brothers and a sister, aunts, uncles and cousins- a big family, and they will all be there.”

“That’s good. Are you and Robin close friends?”
“No. But I helped her out a lot when her parents died, and I feel like I have to go. I’ve been worrying about this all week, ever since I got the invitation. I went out and charged plane tickets and bought some really nice presents right away. Maybe I can find somebody to share a hotel room so I can save some bucks. I’m really over my head financially. I just can’t afford this…..”

“You feel you have to go, even though you can’t,” I said.
“What should I do? I’m driving myself crazy.”
“Well, explain to me why you think you have to go.”
“I told you, Robin’s parents died in an accident.”
“That’s awful, but why does that mean you have to go to the wedding?”
“To make up for her parents.”
“Oh, can you?”
“Of course not. But Robin expects me to be there. What should I do?”

So there you have it. That’s the problem. Ellen wanted me to tell her what to do, but I thought it was more important for Ellen to figure this out for herself. Perhaps I’ll tell you her decision- but maybe it’s more interesting to ask you what you think about the situation she found herself in.  Difficult decisions like this have to be made by the person involved, not by the therapist. There are many answers; Ellen has to find out what is the best answer for herself. What does she really want to do? Maybe we can figure it out.

We have some clues to help with our detective work:

1. Ellen bought the tickets immediately, even though she couldn’t afford to.
2. She bought wedding presents- more than one, right away too. And she charged everything.
3. After she spent the money, she worried about going. Ellen really didn’t have the money or, equally and maybe more important, the time. She had just started a new job and had no vacation time. Her boss might not like her taking time off right away.
4. She feels like she HAS TO go. She never said she WANTED TO GO. I wondered if she was feeling guilty in her relationship with Robin. Ellen told me once that she feels like she has a charmed life- a loving family, a promising relationship, and a meaningful vocation. Robin’s life, by comparison, is far from charmed. Her parents both died young, her career is not going well. She is getting married, though. And, unlike Ellen, she has no money problems- she came into a lot of money when her parents died.  Clearly, she would rather have her parents and not the money, but a hefty financial back up is some compensation.
5. There are lots of things we all have to do; was going to the wedding a “have to”? It conflicted with Ellen’s job obligations; she was afraid her job might be in jeopardy if she just took time off. It was not easy to get this job, and she really liked it and needed it too.
6. Ellen didn’t seem very excited about Robin’s wedding. Was she envious because she wanted to get married too?
7. Ellen seemed stuck between obligation and generosity. If she really wanted to go, she would deal with the problems involved and get on with it. I know Ellen; she’s that kind of person. She sounded like she felt forced.

Generosity must come from the heart. If your head is telling you that you must, and your heart is saying otherwise, take another look at the situation.  Ellen’s body language was pinched up and uncomfortable- anxious looking. She needed to find a free place inside herself to listen deeply and find out what she really wanted to do.

There are many answers. What would you do? What do you think Ellen decided to do?

Related articles:
Part II: Should You Attend a Friend’s Wedding Even If Your Heart Says “No”?
A Picture of Lasting Love
Love Is Not Enough

Do you know the difference between a relapse and a onetime occurrence of making a poor choice? In asking that question, let me first say that it is important to not excuse a slip up or any patterns of making healthy behavioral choices followed by re-engaging in old patterns, even one time. Yes, there can be times where the one struggling with sexual addiction has a prolonged period of sobriety, they let their boundary down briefly and then get back on track with honesty and help.  A relapse is more than one slip up. It is opening you back up to the addictive behaviors, choices and patterns that were so destructive in one’s life. Let’s take a look at three ways that an individual who suffers from sexual addiction can deal with relapse and then three ways their spouse can walk through this as well.

Relapse Steps for the One Struggling with Sexual Addiction:
1. Own it with no excuses: At this point, integrity and trust have been broken again. The wounds have been re-opened and most likely, there has been a pattern of dishonesty. If you make excuses, it is saying that there will always be a reason to relapse and to act out in an unhealthy way sexually or in addictive choices. By owning it and not making excuses, it can set up a scenario where communication can be real, true events and choices can be dealt with and one can start shedding the secrecy and shame that is trying to overtake them. There is freedom in being honest! (more…)

Many of the partners or loved ones (POLOs) of those struggling with addiction often seem reluctant to get help for themselves. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m hoping this article provides some answers.

These beleaguered folks are often fixated on the behavior of the loved one who struggles with drugs or alcohol (or other compulsions). Of course, it’s hard not to fixate on rampantly destructive behaviors. It often seems as though families where addiction is present are always struggling to either avoid or deal with addiction’s collateral damage (financial, emotional, professional, etc). I’m coming to the conclusion that because the behaviors surrounding addiction are so darkly magnetic, a constant pull on the family’s attention, it may be hard to understand why focusing on oneself is important. (more…)