by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD in San Francisco, CA

Finish-Line Sex or Meandering-Journey Sex?

When it comes to sex, most of us haven’t had anything close to an adequate education. If anything, we were taught directly or indirectly to focus on a goal, namely, orgasm, and more pointedly, the male orgasm or ejaculation. This “sex education” is not really an education because it’s an old, patriarchal paradigm that was created in a traditional, fear-based fashion. It focuses on sexually transmitted infections – what they are, how to avoid them, and so forth — and less on the pleasure of the sexual act itself.

Understanding Goal-Oriented Sex by the Numbers

There are many ways to conceptually understand sex, why we have it, why we want it, and what it’s all about. One way is goal-oriented sex. Goal-oriented sex centers on male ejaculation with that being of primary importance. Of secondary importance is either avoiding or inducing procreation. This is backed up scientifically. For instance, a  2017 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior looked at more than 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — and found 95% of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared with just 65% of heterosexual women. And many of these men are unaware entirely if their female partner orgasmed.

It’s clear goal-oriented sex prioritizes the man’s orgasm and not the woman’s in a hetero-focused or designed relationship, because otherwise, those numbers would be more equal. Certified intimacy educator Shan Boodram said in The Zoe Report, “Because the male orgasm is crucial to procreate, our society has built this idea that the male orgasm is crucial for sex; that sex begins with a hard penis and ends with a flaccid penis. Because women don’t have to orgasm to create life, it took a different level of societal importance.” Again, the numbers back that up — fewer heterosexual women are having orgasms during sex than heterosexual men.

Communication about Sex Goals, Desires, and Experiences

There hasn’t been a lot of space in this so-called “sex ed” to include teaching how to communicate around sex. This includes having the skills to be able to voice that you haven’t had an orgasm and that you want one, or that you genuinely don’t. The skills of being curious and asking about a partner’s pleasure are also not taught. Traditionally, female pleasure has taken a backseat to that of males, although that may be changing, especially with the sex-positive movement.

A Pleasure-Oriented Approach

Yes, some limited types of sex can lead to procreation, but the majority of sex has nothing to do with procreation and is instead about desire as well as pleasure. This is where the hetero world can learn a great deal from the gays!

Boodram goes on to say, “In fact, the orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual relationships. When you are with a same-sex partner, there is nothing to prove — it’s just about what feels good, and that is when naturally more orgasms and more pleasure occurs.” Without having rigid, “finish-line-driven” sex goals that govern your sexual experiences, you’re able to be more exploratory.

What Boodram is referencing here is pleasure-oriented sex. It’s sex-positive in nature and takes the focus off of sex being mostly about procreation. It also takes the focus away from an end result and instead draws attention to the present moment, to cultivating pleasure with or without an orgasm. Sure, orgasms are great, but how can you create more pleasure overall, not just at the very end?

Sex Is Not a Performance

Shifting to pleasure-oriented sex can also provide some symptom relief for people who have experienced hypoarousal, decreased desire, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and anxiety. Typically, a traditional way of considering sexual anxiety is to frame it as “performance anxiety.” However, sex need not ever be a performance. Turning sex into a performance takes a person out of the moment and their body. It intellectualizes the process instead of making it an embodied experience. The analyzer self takes over and there is a dissociation from the pleasurable experience.

Many therapists, including sex therapists like Dr. Renye, offer knowledgeable support for individuals and couples with sexual concerns of all kinds. Use our advanced search to find a therapist who specializes in Sex and Sexuality. 

Embodiment Helps You Stay Present

As I’ve written about before, embodiment allows you to be in touch with the body signals that you get on a regular basis. If you can sense them, you can use them to your advantage. You know what you like and don’t like more and more as you progress in your journey of embodiment. When you are navigating a sexual or sensual situation with someone, you are in a better position to know and communicate things such as “Let’s try this out” or “I’d like it if you touched me slower/faster/lighter/harder,” or “Stop what you are doing; I’m not into it. I’d like this or that instead.”

Oftentimes, less-experienced lovers naively think that explicitly voicing what they want kills the moment. Quite the opposite can be true. By following your knowing, you have the confidence to stay with yourself (not abandon yourself) during sex. This increases genuine confidence and increases the possibility of pleasure for all involved. In short, you’ll enjoy sex more.

Change Your Approach — and Your Sex Goals

Not only will transitioning from goal-oriented to pleasure-oriented sex bring more pleasure to sex, but it can also be a way to practice empathy by focusing on pleasure for your partner(s). If your sex goals are about connection, You’re checking in with them verbally to receive consent and affirmation that they are indeed having a pleasurable experience. You’re attuning to someone else, which can make you a better lover overall. And who doesn’t want to be a better lover?

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References

Frederick, David; et al. “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior. Feb. 17, 2017. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

Powell, Vanessa. “This Common Mistake Could Be Ruining Your Sex Life.” The Zoe Report. February 29, 2020. https://www.thezoereport.com/p/goal-oriented-sex-could-be-ruining-your-intimate-life-22579581

Losing your virginity can be a rite of passage signaling a transition from childhood to adulthood. For some people, having sex for the first time is an act of committed love. For others, the loss of virginity is a path to greater sexual pleasure and personal fulfillment. In a sex-saturated culture in which everyone is expected to have and enjoy sex, virginity may be stigmatized—especially for adults.

Virginity is a cultural construct. It means different things in different societies, and its definition has shifted with time. Most studies and many people define loss of virginity as having penile-vaginal intercourse for the first time. Yet this is a heteronormative definition of sex that excludes many sex acts.

Virginity is not a medical term. You cannot tell if someone is a virgin by looking at their hymen, penis, or other genitalia. Since there are many definitions of sex, there is no single, clinical definition of a virgin. The very notion of virginity or virginity stigma depends on a social construct, not a biological one.

The Stigma of the V-Card

Virginity comes in many forms. Some virgins may be eager to have sex, but unable to find the right partner. Others may be comfortable waiting, while quietly worrying that their inexperience means something is wrong with them. Some people remain virgins because of a lack of interest in sex. Asexual and aromantic people may face both virginity stigma and sexual minority stigma.

Some examples of virginity stigma include:

• The idea that everyone wants to lose their virginity, and that people who remain virgins remain so because they cannot find a partner.
• Shame about remaining a virgin.
• Viewing virgins as categorically different from non-virgins.
• Using “virgin” as an insult or a way to bully someone.

Virginity stigma is often gendered. Traditional notions of masculinity demand boys and men be very sexually active. Men who are unable or unwilling to conform to this norm may feel ashamed and self-conscious. Some men may engage in aggressive sexual behavior in an attempt to get partners to have sex with them.

Women often face conflicting pressures around sex. Some religions prize virginity in women. Some cultures and families even demand virginity, using virginity pledges and virginity balls as a way to encourage girls and women to abstain from sex. Yet women may also feel pressure to hew to their romantic partner’s desires and face criticism for putting up boundaries. Women who are interested in sex may feel ashamed of their desires, while others may be pressured into sex before they are ready.

More People Are Making Their Sexual Debut as Adults

When you’re anxious about still being a virgin, it can feel like everyone else is having sex. Media depictions of rampant sexual activity don’t help. Yet research actually shows that more people are remaining virgins for longer.

The average age of loss of virginity is around 17 years old for both males and females. However, fewer high school students are having sex. In 2007, 47.8% of high schoolers had had sex. By 2017, the figure had dropped to 39.5%. Research published in 2005 found that, among adults age 25-44, 97% of men and 98% of women have had vaginal intercourse. Research published in 2013 found 1 to 2% of adults remain virgins into their forties.

Most people assume others are having more sex and are more sexually experienced than they are, which is usually not the case.Young people today have less sex than the youth of two previous generations. A 2017 study found that, on average, they have sex nine fewer times per year than young people did a generation ago. Today’s young people are also on track to have fewer sexual partners.

Rachel Keller, LCSW-C, CST, a Maryland therapist who helps individuals and couples with sex and intimacy concerns, says perceptions often do not match reality.

“Most people assume others are having more sex and are more sexually experienced than they are, which is usually not the case. Young men in particular tend to assume that everyone else has had sex but them. They feel ashamed and wonder how they can possibly tell a future partner that they are a virgin. Once they finally have the conversation, they realize it’s not nearly as big of a deal as they thought. Being confident in who you are, open-minded, and generous are more important in creating a positive sexual relationship than the amount of experience you have,” she explains.

Some people may feel so ashamed of their sexual inexperience that they lie about their sexual history. This can actually compound stigma by contributing to the illusion that people are having more sex than they actually are. Additionally, anxiety about sex can make a person’s loss of virginity stressful and less pleasurable than it might otherwise be.

When people feel ashamed of their perceived inexperience, they may feel uncomfortable communicating with partners about their sexual history, preferences, or needs. This can make sex less enjoyable.

How Therapy Can Help With Virginity Stigma

Virginity is not a psychological problem. There is no “normal” age at which to have sex or appropriate amount of sex to have. Yet misleading and conflicting social norms about sex can lead to a toxic stew of self-doubt, sexual shame, mistaken notions about sexuality, and relationship frustration.

Therapy can help people navigate these complex issues. A therapist can work with a person to identify and understand their own values and sexual goals. For example, a person raised in a family that demanded virginity might interrogate this norm, then decide whether they wish to embrace or reject it.

A couples counselor can help couples who struggle with virginity stigma. For example, a couple who waits until marriage to have sex may need support to talk about sex and feel comfortable losing their virginity. Or a couple in which only one partner is a virgin may need to master sexual communication to reduce shame around virginity.

Some other ways a therapist can help include:

• Destigmatizing virginity with education and research about typical sexual behavior.
• Discussing issues of sexual identity and orientation. Some people remain virgins because they are asexual or aromantic. Others worry they can’t be certain of their identity until they have sex.
• Supporting a person to talk about sex with their partners and identify sexual acts with which they are comfortable.
• Encouraging a client to draw their own sexual boundaries rather than relying on the sexual boundaries that friends, family, or society want them to draw.
• Talking about issues of self-esteem, shame, and gender norms.

Therapy can play a key role in helping sexually inexperienced people prepare for a healthy sexual relationship. When a person does not want to have sex at all, therapy can support them in embracing that identity and pushing back against stigma.

You can find a therapist here.

References:

1. FAQs and sex information. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://kinseyinstitute.org/research/faq.php
2. Fewer U.S. high school students having sex, using drugs. (2018, June 14). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2018/p0614-yrbs.html
3. Haydon, A. A., Cheng, M. M., Herring, A. H., McRee, A., & Halpern, C. T. (2013). Prevalence and predictors of sexual inexperience in adulthood. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 43(2), 221-230. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3947171
4. No such thing as virginity, author says. (2010, August 3). Retrieved from https://www.today.com/popculture/no-such-thing-virginity-author-says-wbna30353377
5. Twenge, J. M., Sherman, R. A., & Wells, B. E. (2017). Declines in sexual frequency among American adults, 1989-2014. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2389-2401. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28265779
6. Virginity and the hymen myth. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.justthefacts.co.nz/about-your-sexual-body/about-virginity-hymen-myths