If you walked in on your partner masturbating, what do you think you would feel? Most people don’t ask themselves this question until it happens. They may assume that their partner has no need to masturbate because they believe they have a “healthy” sex life, while others avoid the thought of their partner masturbating because it may lead to other questions: Who is the person thinking about? What is he or she looking at?

Have you asked yourself what is healthy and unhealthy regarding masturbation in your relationship? Do you and your partner even discuss masturbation? Some couples wonder whether masturbation can hurt their relationship. Other couples don’t even discuss the topic.

Here are five ways masturbation could, in fact, hurt your relationship:

1. You are looking forward to masturbating more than being with your partner.

Your partner could feel neglected or not desired if you prefer to masturbate rather than sexually connect with him or her.

2. You masturbate to the point of self-injury.

If you are at the point of self-injury, you may be experiencing compulsive masturbation, which can lead to other challenges in your relationship.

3. You feel shame regarding your masturbation.

Shame can present itself because of religious/spiritual beliefs, media messages, or family views. It can lead to secrecy or even maintaining a double life of sorts around your sexual behavior.

4. It interferes with work.

People who use masturbation as a coping mechanism for stress may masturbate privately at work. Aside from possible ramifications professionally, this can lead to other possible unhealthy stress-management behaviors. If you are turning to non-relational relief as a form of dealing with stress versus relational relief, you may be inclined to hold in difficult feelings and not share them with the people who care about you most.

5. You tried unsuccessfully to decrease or stop masturbating.

One of the criteria for addictive behaviors is an unsuccessful attempt to stop the behavior. Masturbation may increase in frequency, and you may feel helpless to stop. You may want to consult a professional if you relate with this.

These points are not about whether masturbation itself is healthy or unhealthy, but rather when it could potentially damage the relationship. Either together or with the help of a therapist, couples should discuss their views on masturbation in their relationship and come to an agreement that both parties feel comfortable with.

If you think you are engaging in addictive behaviors, consult a trained professional who has experience working with sexually compulsive behaviors.

Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Disappointment. These are just a few of the emotions you may have experienced when you discovered that your child viewed pornography.

Twenty years ago, you had to go out of your way to obtain pornography. Today, it is accessible at the click of a button. More innocence is lost earlier and earlier in today’s world. Because pornography is everywhere, seeing it is difficult to avoid—indeed, overexposure is an issue for many. Greater exposure to sexually oriented media (e.g., soap operas, music videos, reality television) contributes to adolescents developing the impression that “everybody is doing it.” Kids can also develop skewed perceptions regarding infidelity, abortion, sexually transmitted disease, and divorce, among other things.

Most figures suggest that the average age of initial porn exposure is around 11, but there is research that puts the number closer to 8. Sexual objectification impacts the mental and physical health of our children. When girls are objectified, they are often not viewed as people with dignity. Research also suggests that there is a significant relationship between pornography consumption and violence.

So when you discover that a child has viewed pornography, how should you respond as a parent? How do you prevent recurrence of viewing?

Questions to Ask Yourself Before the Conversation

1. What is your ultimate goal for the formation of your child’s sexual attitudes?
2. What do you model in your own intimate relationships?

What Not to Do When Confronting Your Child

1. Do not jump to conclusions or overreact. You want to be a healthy advocate for your child’s well-being.
2. Do not express extreme anger. Acknowledge mistakes.
3. Do not shame the child with your words or actions. This can lead to the child acting out in unhealthy ways as an adult.

Questions to Ask Your Child
Keep in mind that if the person who introduced pornography to your child was at least four years older, it may be an unlawful act. If you’re unsure, contact local authorities.

1. When was the first time that you saw this kind of thing?
2. Have you viewed it with anyone else?
3. How often do you view it? (Frequency matters; desensitization and overstimulation can occur, which can lead to unhealthy coping and relationship patterns.)
4. Just what, exactly, did you see? (Be a trusted confidant for your child. He or she may be embarrassed and confused, so be gentle and patient.)
5. What questions do you have? (They may be embarrassed to ask.)
6. Who or what may have influenced you?
7. Do you understand why this matters and why I am taking this seriously? (Position yourself to be the child’s advocate.)
8. Has anything in your home encouraged this? (Be open and not defensive.)

Prevention of Future Occurrences

1. Behavioral modification: Know media-based triggers, and limit time online or in front of the TV.
2. Develop a family mission statement of appropriate use of computers, social media, television, movies, and books.
3. Cognitive modification: Teach your child a healthy view of sexuality.
4. Emotive modification: Teach your child the emotional attachment that comes with a sexual relationship. More is caught than taught by parents, so guard your home and your hearts and minds. Parents are still the No. 1 influence in a child’s life.
5. Know your kids and what they’re engaging with in their life. Set boundaries and monitor use of social media, books, etc.
6. Use software and parental controls on all Internet-based devices.

According to comScore, which measures Internet traffic, 66% of Internet-using men between the ages of 18 and 34 look at online pornography at least once a month. Does it really matter if you watch pornography? Does it really impact marriages and relationships? Two-thirds of divorce lawyers say the Internet has played a significant role in divorces within the past year, with excessive interest in online pornography contributing to more than half of such cases. That does not even speak to the impact pornography has on physical and emotional intimacy in relationships.

Consider these five reasons pornography can hurt your love relationship:

1. Men who view pornography can experience “sexual anorexia”! What? Indeed, the results of a study in Italy that surveyed 28,000 porn users seem to corroborate the notion that too much porn has a negative impact on sexual performance. Apparently, men become so accustomed to the unrealistic images they see in pornography that they can no longer get erections. Many men don’t realize their brain’s sensitivity is declining toward “normal” sex because web-based erotica delivers endless dopamine hits—making erection and climax possible where normal encounters would not. When they try to have actual intercourse and cannot, they understandably panic. The brain changes that cause porn-induced erectile dysfunction arise from actual, physical addiction processes (among them, numbing of the pleasure response of the brain).
2. With porn, partners are always willing and ready for sex! Where sexual drive varies in individuals, porn creates the unrealistic illusion that your partner should always be ready, willing, and able. Imagine the pressure this puts on your partner. It leaves no room for emotional connection, real-life circumstances, and the fun of pursuing each other in ways that are meaningful to each other rather than with only one objective in mind. If your partner has had a tough day at work, fought traffic, made dinner, taken care of the kids, done laundry, and prepared the family for the next day but then felt too tired for sex and consequently got replaced by porn, is this going to build intimacy or destroy it?
3. Porn creates scenarios that just aren’t real! Here are some conclusions from a study by the surgeon general: The values expressed in pornography clash with the family concept, and potentially undermine the traditional values that favor marriage, family, and children. Pornographic scripts dwell on sexual engagements of parties who have just met, who are in no way attached or committed to each other, and who will part shortly, never to meet again. Sexual gratification in pornography is not a function of emotional attachment, of kindness, of caring, and especially not of continuance of the relationship, as such continuance would translate into responsibilities, curtailments, and costs. Now what if I told you that study was conducted in 1986? Consider how much more widespread pornography is today with the Internet, social media, etc. Porn sets up couples and families to fail because as one becomes more immersed in the false “reality,” true reality suffers and is shamed.
4. Real-life partners can’t compete with embellished pornography! Porn creates an environment in which everyone is beautiful or handsome. Body parts are perfect, accentuated, and responsive in extreme satisfaction. How can anyone’s spouse or partner compete with that? If someone is indulging in hours of pornography, how can it not affect his or her reality when looking at a spouse or partner? The partner will begin to feel inadequate, judged, and compared, and might shut down or withdraw. This only leads to more disconnect on both parts and, for the one viewing porn, can start the path to even more sexual dysfunction.
5. It is not only the partner who can’t live up to the porn standards! So you view pornography, watch how “perfect” things are, how every encounter is desired and accepted, every act brings mutual satisfaction, and the performance never fails, never disappoints. How can anyone live up to that? The truth is, you can’t—and you are not supposed to. In a true relationship, you accept each other for who you are, you make it special for each other, and there is understanding and compassion, not fear and judgment. Pornography is NOT reality, and forcing oneself to watch unrealistic situations over and over and then expecting yourself to perform the same way is setting yourself and your partner up for disappointment.

This is the reality of the impact pornography has on your loved one and your love life. There is the argument that moderation is the key, but too many studies show that it typically does not stay at moderation—it escalates, requires more intensity to meet sexual gratification, begins to have a negative impact on sexual experience with your partner, and eventually causes a disconnect in relationships that is difficult to overcome.

Sure, it is easy to brush it off and say it won’t happen to you, but before coming to that conclusion, take an honest look at what pornography has already done in your life, in your partner’s life, in the area of hiding the habit, shame on you and your partner … if you want a truly honest response, have an open mind to what your partner thinks of your viewing of pornography. Based on real studies, real facts, real impacts on relationships, what are you going to do? It is never too late to get help through counseling, support groups, and accountability to begin the path of personal and relational healing.

Did you know that most individuals who have experienced sex addiction and have taken their recovery process very seriously and remain committed to it for life can be some of the healthiest individuals, despite their past challenges?

Relationships in general take a lot of hard work, but many people are not willing to engage in the hard stuff to make their relationships easier down the road. If people do not feel that they have an addiction or struggle with any kind of sexual integrity issue, it is more challenging for them to understand the need to have boundaries around their relationship to protect it from anything that can cause it to weaken.

Here are THREE REASONS individuals need not be afraid to date someone who has recovered from or is in active recovery from a sex addiction:

STRONG BOUNDARIES: Most individuals recovering from sex addiction who have worked hard in a program, such as outpatient therapy, along with being a part of a support group or in-patient program with a solid outpatient support system know the importance of having strong boundaries to first protect themselves from relapse or slipping back into old habits. For example, a person who has abused alcohol needs to stay away from bars and heavy drinking venues to avoid temptation. The same goes for people with sex addiction; they have certain places they cannot visit, movies they cannot watch, and websites to stay clear of, and even conversations with other individuals that may trigger certain thoughts or feelings.

Therefore, people who have recovered from sex addiction and have moved toward a healthy outlook in life will more than likely be very respectful and aware of situations that may be uncomfortable for their partner, such as noticing attractive people in the partner’s presence or even while alone or putting themselves in a position that could be cause for concern, such as eating lunch alone with a coworker of the opposite sex.

INTEGRITY: Most people recovering from sex addiction have learned the benefits and the importance of having integrity in their life. It is essential that they share their feelings appropriately and be truthful with themselves and that they avoid anything that would cause even a hint of suspicion by others. One way that you will know that your dating partner is someone who values integrity is to watch him or her. Does this person’s behavior coincide with his or her belief system? Is he open about his life’s journey while using discernment? Does she show consistency in making decisions with integrity in all areas of her life (i.e., financial, family, work), not just in relationships?

SELF-CARE: When people who have struggled with sex addiction have worked hard on their personal recovery, one of the tools they learn is the importance of self-care. What that means is their ability to recognize that they first must take care of themselves in a healthy way before they have anything to offer anyone else. They are good at keeping things in their lives that bring value, and they do not expect someone else to fill all their needs. These individuals will have introduced specific behaviors/patterns in their life that support their recovery and reduce the temptations they will face, such as computer filters, accountability partners, continued self-improvement choices, and consistent activities that not only grow who they are but also have a positive impact on others. Most important, where their recovery plan may change along the way, they never let their guard down to say they have arrived, and they stay in the continuous mode of healthy self-care in some fashion. This not only assists them in being the person of integrity they want to be but also prepares them to be real, genuine, honest, and transparent in future relationships.

As you can see, while some may shy away from the idea of dating an individual who has recovered from sexual addiction, there are numerous reasons this can actually be a very positive experience. Keep in mind, it is not your responsibility to keep this person on track in his or her recovery, and if the person is truly taking care of himself, he will not want or expect you to do this. You actually get the benefits of being with an individual who has come face to face with a very challenging addiction and decided that he or she is worth doing the hard work to overcome it and live a life of integrity. The end result is someone who can share compassion, understanding, and love in a deeper, healthier way in relationships because that person made it a point to have tough love for him- or herself first.

Related articles:
Three Ways to Avoid Sex Addiction Relapse
Sex Addiction: Can Trust Be Restored?

I’m struck by the fact that people with addiction issues, when confronted with the destructive effects of their behaviors, often find it harder to stop. This is especially true, in my clinical experience, when it comes to compulsive sexual behavior, aka sex addiction. Why is that?

Therapy clients who struggle with drinking or substance abuse tend on the whole to accept – eventually, and with my ongoing support – that they do have a problem with drinking or using, and that these behaviors are an obstacle to happier living. Once “the cat is out of the bag”, they usually attempt to reduce or quit using, over time, or else quit therapy altogether.

Those struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors, however, may remain ambivalent for years, while remaining in therapy –  aware of their dependence on these behaviors and the destructive effects of same, while wrestling with whether or not they want to stop. It’s a matter of two steps forward, two steps back, over and over again, with no change in sight.

Additionally, it is often reported to me that there appear to be more people in Alcoholics Anonymous with long-term sobriety compared to those in Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or other 12-step programs for healthier sexuality. Those with long-term sexual sobriety – or “abstinence” – tend to be fewer in number. Again – how come?

I know there is a lot of controversy in the mental health field about whether sexual compulsivity is truly an “addiction.” It is not my intent here to address that complex question. Suffice it to say that the suffering of those who can’t stop, in the face of heartbreaking damage and loss, is staggering to behold. If one of the key criteria for an addiction is an inability to stop in spite of negative consequences, then compulsive sexual behavior more than qualifies as an addiction.

So, if one assumes we are in fact dealing with two actual addictions, we are still left with the aforementioned disparity between drug/alcohol vs. sexual sobriety. Is it because one can live without drugs or alcohol, but cannot “remove” sexuality from one’s being? We are, organically speaking, sexual creatures, and the goal of treating sexual addiction is not to remove one’s sexuality but to create healthier, more intimate and less self-destructive behaviors.

I suspect that, because we are dealing with sex after all, the issue goes even deeper. Sexual desires and fantasies often emanate from the very core and are difficult to interpret. Heterosexual men with compulsive sexual issues, for instance, may desire sex with other men while staying married to a woman; some pursue sex with transvestite prostitutes, in ways that put themselves at legal and medical risk. I know of high-functioning women who are compelled to conduct serial affairs, virtual or real, with men whose only apparent goal is to sexually “use” them in sadistic or degrading ways. These are people who have little to gain, it would seem, and everything to lose.

Another complication is that sexuality is a relational activity. It always implies another person, either real or fantasized. One can use heroin or drink alone, as many do. But it always “takes two to tango”, even if one of those people is a fantasy or “virtual” person. Even when one uses online pornography, for instance, another person is “present”, at least onscreen.

Close readings of sexual fantasies and compulsive behaviors can be revealing of one’s buried self-concepts and unexpressed needs; an S&M fantasy may represent a way of coping with an overbearing or shame-inducing caregiver, by sexualizing the pain and staying in control of the fantasy/scenario (even if one is the “M”). Those struggling with scenarios of dominance over others may be trying to compensate for intolerably low self-worth, an attempt to control chaotic emotions leftover from a traumatic upbringing.

My experience with straight men who compulsively watch porn often reveals a desire for a woman who can offer everything but demand nothing, and disappear when the encounter is over, before she decides he’s “too much” for her, or “gross,” or perverted, etc.  It’s a sort of mini-relationship, easily controlled by someone who usually has a desire for and deep fear of intimacy, who gets his needs met quickly and then signs off.

It’s almost as if these fantasies provide a window into the psyche, revealing unmet needs.   Like the need to feel in control, to express repressed desires, to sexualize (i.e. numb or self-medicate) hurtful or shameful feelings or other emotions that are unconscious or too difficult to articulate.

These are feelings and needs that cannot be expressed in their actual relationships – usually because they are perceived as “disgusting” or “too much” for their partner.  Of course, their partner very often has her own “stuff” and tends to be closed off, angry, controlling, etc.  It’s an extremely painful dynamic that I see with many of my male clients – straight and gay – who struggle with sexual compulsivity.

Why would a man, or anyone really, seek an “emotionally unavailable” partner? Because we tend to gravitate toward the familiar, even if what is familiar is dissatisfying or even abusive.

Very often the person chooses an emotionally closed off, or overly aggressive (or withdrawn) partner because, in reality, the alternative is too scary. It may sound strange, but what’s even scarier than not finding love – especially in cases of a traumatized upbringing, which includes just about everyone I work with – is actually finding it! Why is that? Because love can be lost or taken away, leaving the person abandoned and traumatized (again) – even more painful than being mistreated or ignored. In the latter case, at least you know someone is there.

Thus the person suffering from core interpersonal trauma – the result of a faulty caregiver, another human being – who ends up sexualizing their needs via the behaviors described above, hovers between a desperate yearning for and deep aversion to intimate connection. The sort of “mini-relationship” described above is often a substitute. It satisfies…for a while. One connects, finds relief via sex and affection (what’s actually virtual feels real at the moment) – then detaches before becoming too invested or emotionally “at risk” for abandonment.

That emotional risk, believe it or not, is usually more frightening than the prospect of the legal or health risks that accompany these behaviors. Abuse and emotional distance is familiar, even if painful, while the possibility of genuine love is new and terrifying.

Thus the compulsive behaviors are a temporary solution to the very real and shameful problem of a confusing inability to connect with others.  I say “shameful” because very often the feeling is something like, “I’m an idiot because I don’t know how to stop.  Why do I do such disgusting things.  What a piece of garbage I truly am.”  (Even if the person is outwardly successful, wealthy, etc.  As they say in recovery, it’s always an inside job.)

One of my clients once said in my office, with a smile on his face, “I have no love in my life.  I’d only ruin it if I did”.  This was a successful, married attorney with a compulsion to see prostitutes.

It took me a few moments to realize the smile was an awkward attempt to conceal shame, not any sort of bemusement. That smile was one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.

What I want to stress here is the pain that needs soothing is, in part, not the result of an unrequited hunger for love, nor a fear of finding it, but rather an impossible non-reconciliation between the two.

Here are two opposing, powerful forces at work, with radically different agendas – one to connect, the other to protect.  Without help, this internal conflict results in unmanageable emotional turmoil and frustration. The cycle never ends, until the person says “enough,” and seeks help.

I’ll talk next time about how therapy can, when effective, provide a slow but steady path towards healthier intimacy and a chance to escape the suffocating shame and loneliness that so many of my clients describe as a slow-moving poison — leading them to behaviors they so desperately want to stop, but can’t.

Related Articles:
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The Good and Bad Sides of Porn
Three Ways to Avoid Sex Addiction Relapse

I want to start off by saying that pornography in and of itself is not a ‘bad’ thing. We have preconceived notions about porn being something bad. Men feel guilty about it. Women feel threatened by it. I want to talk a little bit about why porn is good, and why porn is bad. At the core, I believe that everything in moderation is the best format to follow. And a little bit of porn should be fine, as long as it’s not interfering with your sex life, social life, finances, job, relationship, family, responsibilities and so on. (Read: Most mental health professionals will in fact determine whether or not something is considered an addiction, or if someone is addicted based on the aforementioned variables of responsibilities. If something is being affected, such as any or all of job, relationship, family, money, chances are the individual has a problem or addiction, and will likely be treated as such by the mental health professional.)

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So, with that said, we are long overdue to begin to wonder how the internet’s biggest industry Porn, which continues to infiltrate our relationships, our sex lives, our bedrooms, not to mention the lives of teenagers who have the highest porn viewing statistics, and so much more continues to thrive, when it seems to have so many negative connotations? How can 63 million viewers be so wrong*? As a sex educator, I feel that a lot of it has to do with our attitudes about sex. Naturally, when we don’t feel comfortable talking about something, that we already feel we know so little about, and ill-equipped to talk about, read: yes, I am talking about Sex, its presence, in a highly graphic manner is going to intrigue us. Hence we are enticed to watch such movies and videos. But on the flipside, the messages we were sent growing up about masturbation, sex and nudity, and the silence we were fed when it came to anal sex, girl-on-girl or man-on-man sex, group sex or orgies, and sodomy may also lead to anxiety about what we see, which can lead to the on the better end, aforementioned feelings of guilt, and full blown addictions on the worst-case-scenario end. (more…)

Do you know the difference between a relapse and a onetime occurrence of making a poor choice? In asking that question, let me first say that it is important to not excuse a slip up or any patterns of making healthy behavioral choices followed by re-engaging in old patterns, even one time. Yes, there can be times where the one struggling with sexual addiction has a prolonged period of sobriety, they let their boundary down briefly and then get back on track with honesty and help.  A relapse is more than one slip up. It is opening you back up to the addictive behaviors, choices and patterns that were so destructive in one’s life. Let’s take a look at three ways that an individual who suffers from sexual addiction can deal with relapse and then three ways their spouse can walk through this as well.

Relapse Steps for the One Struggling with Sexual Addiction:
1. Own it with no excuses: At this point, integrity and trust have been broken again. The wounds have been re-opened and most likely, there has been a pattern of dishonesty. If you make excuses, it is saying that there will always be a reason to relapse and to act out in an unhealthy way sexually or in addictive choices. By owning it and not making excuses, it can set up a scenario where communication can be real, true events and choices can be dealt with and one can start shedding the secrecy and shame that is trying to overtake them. There is freedom in being honest! (more…)

Did you know that according to Patrick Carnes, Sex Addiction Expert, he reports that relapse happens for most individuals who struggle with sex addiction in the second six months of recovery? Most individuals gain traction in recovery through counseling, support groups and establishing strong boundaries. It is very important that individuals who struggle with sex addiction stay proactive in their recovery and the journey to having healthy and satisfying relationships.

These are three effective ways to avoid relapse in a sexual addiction recovery program:

1. Be humble:

For many individuals who struggle with sex addiction the first six months to a year is the first time in a long time that their mind and actions are not filled with double mindedness including acting out, lying, etc. When individuals start to feel good about their progress, there can be a temptation to loosen their established boundaries. This can be dangerous which is why most individuals who struggle with sex addiction relapse in the first year (second six months) of recovery. It is imperative to stay on a plan that they review with accountability partners especially early in the recovery process. Being humble recognizes that this will be an ongoing battle and that they will need to stay sharp every day to stay consistent and free. By staying humble, one will recognize when temptations or compromise is coming and be willing to take an even stronger stand rather than backing off! If they want to continue their journey, they must stay humble and they will stay on the right path! (more…)

It is devastating for a partner to find out that the person they love is battling sex addiction by losing themselves in pornography or, even worse, engaging in multiple affairs. The partner is questioning whether they even want to be in the relationship, let alone rebuild trust. However, if both are willing to do the hard work by taking a look at what each individual needs to labor through and agree to a transparent and consistent plan, trust can be rebuilt and eventually restored.

So what does it take to make restoring trust possible? Here are a few important factors that can help the couple on their journey toward healing:

Understand the difference in forgiveness and trust.

Remember, forgiveness is for the person that has been hurt, not the offender! This releases them from holding the offense over the other person and gives them the chance to start healing. Too often, the sex addict feels that forgiveness equals trust and that can cause frustration for both individuals involved. Trust has to be rebuilt and restored over time where forgiveness is a choice when the time is right. Forgiveness can be a great step but it is only that, a step. If this principle can clearly be grasped, especially by the one battling sex addiction, it can go a long way in alleviating pressure from an already tense situation. (more…)

Has my entire marriage been a lie? Am I to blame? Is there any hope for my marriage? Is divorce my best option? These are just a few of the questions that will run through your mind after discovering a partner’s sexual betrayal and sex addiction. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions.

You want to, first, encourage the betraying-spouse to take care of himself or herself while you seek support. Next, don’t make any permanent or rash decisions while the feelings are raw and fresh. Finally, realize that divorce does not have to be the answer, if both individuals in are willing to follow an intentional path toward healing the relationship.

Let’s take a look at these intentional, choices that can make healing a reality, in a relationship overwhelmed by sexual addiction.

• Both partners are willing to do their own work: Though there may come a time down the road for each individual to go to counseling together, it is very important for each person to be committed to a plan that will help them individually. The betraying partner may not be in a place to consider working on the marriage. Rather than forcing that the issue, work your own plan to deal with the grieving, the pain, the anger, and the actual betrayal. Focus on who you are, first, before concerning yourself with your role in the relationship, and how it has/will change. At the same time, the partner that has done the betraying needs to have a very clear and specific plan for himself or herself, individually.  If this step does not take place, it will prove to be very challenging. Each partner needs to be committed to their individual healing. [fat_widget_right]

• Steps to stop the sexual addictive behaviors: Once a betrayed-spouse knows about the sexually addictive choices and behaviors his/her partner has engaged in, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay engaged in the relationship. Major steps to end the behavior(s) need to be taken. This does not make him/her the dictator, but it is fair for the betrayed-spouse to set boundaries which state that, in order to stay together, the addictive behavior(s) must stop. This can look different for each couple, from having check-in meetings, to creating an actual written agreement. Again, this goes back to the betraying-partner’s willingness to face their sexual addiction, take accountability, get counseling, and engage in an openness of sharing that will foster and rebuild trust. This will have a dual benefit to the relationship. The hurt partner will see an effort in their spouse to take care of him or herself and also begin to honor the relationship. The partner facing the battle with sexual addiction will finally get some freedom from the shame they have been living with, and begin to find a new approach to life.

• Be willing to give each other space and respect each other’s healing process and timeline: Too often, when the betraying-spouse unloads on their partner, they feel a sense of relief; A weight has been lifted from living in lies. At the same time, their partner is realizing a terrible truth about the marriage in a way he/she never dreamed would happen. Now is NOT the time to press an agenda, other than agreeing to each take steps toward healing, and respecting that each person will progress at their own pace. By working on an individual path, each partner will be focusing their energy on him/herself, while, at the same time, honoring the work the other is doing. Each partner will have time to adjust to the changes that are now taking place in his/her own life.

Where divorce does not have to be discussed at this point, it will, more than likely, cross each partners’ mind. Before this decision is made, or things are said that will be difficult to overcome, take some time to work through each of these steps. Again, if there is going to be hope, and eventually healing, each partner will have to be committed to first focusing on themselves and then, when each is at a safe place and most likely with the guidance of a therapist, they can begin to take steps to restore their relationship.

When sex addiction surfaces in a relationship, the focus tends to revolve around addressing the symptoms and causes of the addiction and the steps toward healing for the person with the addiction. In the process, the well-being of that person’s partner or spouse may be overlooked. The partner is likely to feel betrayal upon discovering the addictive behaviors of his or her partner. Although there may be times when a spouse suspects or feels something is amiss, many times, spouses are caught totally off-guard, they may feel alone, and it can be hard to consider how to take the next step. It is important for partners and spouses of those with sex addiction to take care of themselves and try to avoid the downward spiral that can threaten them.

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Seek Support and Self-Care

It is not uncommon for the betrayed partner to feel pity for his or her partner and focus attention on him or her. When people feel betrayed, it’s important that they take time to care for themselves first so as to build a plan to create structure, reduce anxiety, and get some much needed encouragement and support. A good counselor can be instrumental in providing that support because the counselor functions as an advocate, providing validation, compassion, and clear direction. Some may benefit from joining a support group of other spouses that are going through the same thing. Dependable friends and family can also provide support, especially on those very tough days. Incorporating a healthy lifestyle by getting plenty of rest, eating properly, finding some time for exercise, and scheduling times for fun will give the partner’s body, mind, and spirit the energy it needs to cope with daily stress.

Experience Emotions Fully

The person feeling betrayed may experience a sense of shame that results in the temptation to shut down, or to numb the pain by suppressing the painful feelings. The feelings are there and they are very strong, and it will cause more harm, eventually, than good by stuffing them or hiding them. That is why finding a counselor, having supportive friends, and being a part of a group are extremely important in providing a safe outlet for the partner’s full expression. Whether it’s anger, fear, abandonment, or any number of emotions, sharing those feelings in a safe and healthy way helps work through the grieving process and generate some hope. The hope may not be focused necessarily on the relationship, but on the person’s recognition that he or she can face these feelings of betrayal and survive, even thrive. The feelings are very real, and when handled appropriately, openly, and with care, some of the intense weight may be lifted.

Set Boundaries

The critical time to establish boundaries with a partner who has sex addiction is when the other partner is most hurt and vulnerable. This will help establish a place of safety for the person who feels hurt. Boundaries may include removing Internet access, changing what comes through the TV, establishing a bank account to insure bills are covered, and removing any offensive material from the home. If consequences are tied to the boundaries, it’s important that they are followed through with or they will not be taken seriously. This can be vital in creating some order to what feels like chaos.

There is no magical formula for healing a person’s experience of betrayal by a partner experiencing sex addiction, and every day is a new battle that can feel out of control if specific steps are not taken to handle the overwhelming feelings. The good news is that if these steps are followed, one can find that they are developing strength they never knew they had. The combination of empathy, compassion, and some tough love are necessary to guide a person down a path of healing and then to hope.

Social Networking is a great way to connect with so many individuals! It connects you with your family, friends from the past, current friends, and even allows you to make new friends. With so many benefits, are there any potential dangers with social networking? Well, not if you are someone who has strong boundaries, is careful in what you share with others, and gets your emotional needs met in a healthy way. However, if you are someone who has struggled with being inappropriate on the Internet or in relationships, has received false intimacy in unhealthy places, or taken advantage of relationships for your own benefit, then social networking will most likely present some challenges. If there is not a specific focus and set of boundaries on how these challenges and concerns can impact someone struggling with sexual addiction, it can open the door for a brand new set of issues.

So what are some of those challenges that someone struggling with sexual addiction will face in dealing with social networks?
• In the past, there were more limitations to what a sex addict struggled with on the Internet. They mainly had to deal with pornography and chat rooms. Yes, these were very addictive, harmful, and destructive, but with the development of social networking, there are many more opportunities for the sex addict to find a connection and to face temptation that is seen as more socially acceptable.
• Facebook, Myspace, and many other social networking sites can start out seemingly harmless, but when there is a neediness that arises for the sex addict, it opens the door to make familiar connections with those from their past.
• These connections are easier to hide because they don’t appear harmful but can lead a recovering sex addict down a very slippery slope because they will rationalize that it is not pornography or a chat room. But the more they connect, especially if they are having challenging times in their life emotionally, the easier it is to go back to old behaviors of hiding, deception, and getting their needs met inappropriately.

Does this mean that social networking is completely wrong for the sex addict? Not necessarily, but there needs to be some strong boundaries put in place.

Here are a few that have proven to be helpful:

• If the person struggling with sexual addiction and his or her spouse feels comfortable being part of some of the social networks, it would be strongly recommended that the person share all passwords with his or her spouse and accountability partner. This keeps things very open and transparent!
• Have regular check-in times with spouse and accountability partner to see if too much time is being spent on these sites and if the sex addict is getting any “hits” emotionally or physically from any relational connections.
• Make sure the sex addict is very open about all friend requests and does not allow any past relationship partners or “hook ups” to be part of his or her network.
• Be willing to shut down these sites through a filter or by blocking them before they can become an issue or if challenges arise from using them.

The strongest and safest course of action is to avoid these sites to keep any problems, temptations, or challenges off the table. Why open a door that can lead to more hurt and pain after all the sex addict and spouse have been through? If you do feel you can safely manage these sites, be careful to have very strong boundaries in place to keep you safe and for your spouse and family to feel safe as well. Social networks can be fun and a very positive connection for many individuals. Just like a lot of other things, when it is abused it can cause more emotional pain and betrayal for those close to the sex addict. For the person who has faced and is dealing with the area of sexual addiction, social networking brings another tempting avenue into play that, if not handled directly, can lead to a whole new set of issues and pain.