Fear can be a strong motivator. People who are afraid of living in poverty may be motivated to pursue any career option in order to avoid financial destitution. In a similar way, individuals who are afraid that they may develop specific health-related problems may work tirelessly to maintain optimal physical condition. Fear often has been linked to motivation, both positively and negatively. Until recently, however, few studies examined how fear of failure affects activity-related performance.

Jocelyn J. Bélanger of the University of Maryland sought to determine how negative feedback on specific tasks affected motivation in individuals fearful of failure (obsessive) and those who were passionate about their activity but less worried about setbacks (harmonious). In a series of experiments, Bélanger found that individuals who are passionate about achieving their goal perform differently based on their style of commitment. In particular, those with obsessive passion responded with positive motivation to negative/failure cues while those with harmonious passion saw no change in performance. In fact, the harmonious passion participants maintained the same level of performance throughout the experiments, regardless of whether they received success or failure feedback.

“Obsessive passion, associated with defensiveness, predicts performance aimed at avoiding failure, whereas harmonious passion, associated with a secure self-concept, predicts stable performance,” Bélanger said. These findings suggest that fear works as a motivator for individuals with obsessive passion. Bélanger believes that people who feel their sense of self is threatened by failure of goal attainment may unconsciously respond to that threat by increasing their performance. However, those who have harmonious passion traits are less threatened and view the feedback, positive or negative, merely as information needed to continue the process of attaining their goals. The results of this study offer valuable information that could be used for the development of goal-attainment strategies in the professional, academic, and sports arenas, and could help clinicians better understand an individual’s reaction to goal-achievement outcomes.

Reference:
Bélanger, J. J., Lafrenière, M.-A. K., Vallerand, R. J., Kruglanski, A. W. (2012). Driven by fear: The effect of success and failure information on passionate individuals’ performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029585

The ideal standards model (ISM) of interpersonal evaluations suggests that a partner becomes dissatisfied with his or her relationship when the significant other fails to measure up to what he or she expects an ideal mate to be. Likewise, this level of dissatisfaction can occur when one partner perceives that he or she is not living up to his or her partner’s standards. These relationship discrepancies therefore are indirectly caused by each partner, whether that person realizes it or not. Additionally, each type of discrepancy, whether partner generated (PD-Partner) or self-generated (PD-Self) can produce a different behavioral response. Although partner behavior has been studied in the context of ISM, it has not been explored further. Therefore, to address the partner discrepancy origins and effects using the ISM, Sandra D. Lackenbauer of the Department of Psychology at Western University in Ontario, Canada, recently led a series of studies of partners in unmarried and married relationships.

Lackenbauer assessed how PD affected motivation, avoidance, feelings of self-worth and agitation. In the first three studies, Lackenbauer found that those with high levels of PD-partner felt dejected while those with high levels of PD-self had more agitation. This was especially evident on scales that measured trustworthiness and feelings of warmth and caring. In the final two studies, the participants with PD-partner led to promotion-focused emotional responses while the presence of PD-self resulted in more prevention-based strategies.

The findings from these studies extend previous research on ISM and emotional regulation within intimate relationships. Although some existing research suggests that discrepancies are directly related to dissatisfaction within relationships, the results of Lackenbauer’s research suggests otherwise. In fact, the participants who exhibited PD-partner trends engaged in nurturing and promoting behaviors which can be a positive path for increases in satisfaction. The prevention behaviors displayed by those with high levels of PD-self suggest that individuals who perceive themselves as less than ideal take actions that minimize feelings of insecurity and abandonment in their relationships. Additionally, these individuals tend to maximize their assets in an effort to more closely match what they believe their partner’s ideal to be. Lackenbauer added, “Especially for those people involved in generally satisfying and committed relationships, this prevention strategy could be aimed at reducing the partner discrepancy to ultimately maintain the relationship satisfaction.” Regardless, Lackenbauer believes that more research is needed to fully examine how these discrepancies and ensuing behaviors contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.

Recent research continues to support these findings, showing that couples’ emotional regulation strategies and how partners manage discrepancies between expectations and reality remain crucial factors in relationship satisfaction and stability. Studies from 2023 demonstrate that satisfaction with relationship status and the alignment between relationship desires and reality significantly impact mental health outcomes, with higher satisfaction associated with lower depression and romantic loneliness.

Contemporary research emphasizes that difficulties related to partner discrepancies remain among the most common complaints in people seeking relationship therapy, with communication quality playing a key role in how couples manage these discrepancies. Modern studies also highlight how partners’ mutual influences on behavior change intentions and emotional regulation continue to shape relationship dynamics, with individuals experiencing more negative emotions when their partner’s readiness for change differs from their own.

Reference: Lackenbauer, S. D., Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029054

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*The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.*

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References:

  1. Baghaei, N., et al. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iranian Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 18(1). https://brieflands.com/journals/ijpbs/articles/148166.pdf
  2. Dębek, A., et al. (2023). Relationship (in)congruency may differently impact mental health. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 30(2), 121-135. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2757
  3. Driebe, J. C., Stern, J., Penke, L., & Gerlach, T. M. (2024). Probing the predictive validity of ideal partner preferences for future partner traits and relationship outcomes across 13 years. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 832-859. https://doi.org/10.1177/08902070231213797
  4. Galizia, R., Theodorou, A., et al. (2023). Sexual satisfaction mediates the effects of the quality of dyadic sexual communication on the degree of perceived sexual desire discrepancy. Healthcare, 11(5), 648. https://doi.org/10.3390/healthcare11050648
  5. Gouin, J.-P. (2024). Couples-based health behavior change interventions: A relationship science perspective on the unique opportunities and challenges to improve dyadic health. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 19, 100250. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2024.100250
  6. Lackenbauer, S. D., & Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(3), 472-488. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029054
  7. Roth, M., Landolt, S. A., Nussbeck, F. W., Weitkamp, K., & Bodenmann, G. (2024). Positive outcomes of long-term relationship satisfaction trajectories in stable romantic couples: A 10-year longitudinal study. Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. https://doi.org/10.1007/s41042-024-00201-1
  8. Wrobel, M., et al. (2023). What matters in a relationship—Age, sexual satisfaction, relationship length, and interpersonal closeness as predictors of relationship satisfaction in young adults. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 4103. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20054103

Smiling student“Shy is the most terrible feeling that you can get.”

“Shyness is a habit that began when someone was afraid to talk and didn’t know what to do. Sometimes shyness can make us seem boring.”

“If I say the wrong thing, I shy to say something again.”

“I am shy because I’m afraid that people will laugh at me. If someone laughs at me, I will feel afraid, shy and I think I did something wrong.” (Other fears are “teasing and whispering.)

“I hope I can get rid of shy, but it’s really hard.”

“I want to be less shy because I don’t want always to be a shy girl, and I want to be a good, smart, and brave girl.”

These words come from the students in my sixth grade English-as-a-second-language classroom in Central Kalimantan, Indonesia. We were talking about “shy” because all of them worry about being laughed at or being wrong or not good enough. One student covers his mouth when he can’t think of what to say or is too shy to say it. Another student speaks so softly that I we have to read her lips to understand. Over the semester the things that seem to help the most are: “Would you like us to come back to you?” “Would you like a little help?” “Maybe you could write it for me,” saying in a playful, singsong voice, “Just a little bit louder and a little bit slower.” Sometimes I say, “Did you understand?” If the others shake their heads, I ask, “Would you like to?” When they nod yes, I say, “So could you say it again, please?”

Still, after some months their shyness was still interfering with speaking and learning. I knew that what they were thinking and feeling was so much greater than what they could say aloud. As the above sentences show, their writing was more revealing than their words. However, one of our major class goals is to increase confidence and fluency in speaking English.

One day, the other sixth grade teacher unexpectedly had to leave, so class expanded to 12 students. We began with the “yes, and” game in which one person begins a story and then turns to the student next to him who says, “yes, and” and then continues the story. When a student was shy and couldn’t think what to say, the other students laughed. It seemed like “release of anxiety laugh” rather than a mean laugh, but it was laughter—just what these students are most afraid of. We finished the first round of the story.

“So, some of you felt shy.” (Heads nod.) “In class Six A, we have talked about when you are shy you are most afraid of being laughed at, right?” (Heads nod again.) “So how many of you felt shy?” (Most hands go up.) “How many of you are afraid of being laughed at?” (Most hands.) “How many of you laughed?” (Most hands.) “What kind of laughter was it?” “Just teasing, not mean,” answered one student as the others nodded. “So, let’s try an experiment. In the next story, let’s make an agreement that no one will laugh. Okay?” To my amazement, during the next round of a new story, some of the students were slow, but all spoke, we heard all of them, and no one laughed. (Two students did begin to laugh out of habit but caught themselves and stopped.) “So, what did you notice?” “We didn’t laugh.” “Right.” “What else did you notice?” “We hear everyone.” “Yes. So, it seems that when you are not afraid of being laughed at, you don’t feel and act so shy.” They nod.

In our next class, we talked some more. “What are you imagining that the others are thinking when they are laughing at you?” “You’re not good enough. You’re a fool. You’re bad.” “No wonder you don’t want to talk,” I said. “How scary. So, when you’re laughing, what are you thinking?” “Not mean things, Bu.” One brave student said, “I’m laughing because I’m glad it’s not me.” Another said, “I’m laughing to be friendly because the silence feels bad.” Another brave student: “Sometimes I am thinking they are not smart, but even if I’m thinking that, I don’t have to laugh.”

“So, let’s make a picture of this. Action 1: You are feeling shy and are having a hard time speaking. Step 2: Others laugh. Step 3: You think they are thinking one of these things:

(Here we listed all their thoughts and then rated them in this order. ‘I’m not good enough.’ (All the students named this one.) ‘I’m bad. I’m a fool. They hate me. I’m wrong.’ Step 4: You feel even more shy. Step 5: Others laugh . . . . So, it just goes on and on, maybe even getting worse. Does that seem right?” (Heads nod.)

Interestingly, in Indonesian, the word shy (malu) is also a word for shame. And, indeed, shy and shame feel like cousins to me. Cousins with a big difference. Shy is a normal feeling and results in behavior that can be changed. Shame is an intense and irreparable feeling of core inadequacy, badness, or unworthiness; one is forever doomed. The impact of shame is secrecy, disconnection, and an inability to assess reality. Shame: I AM not good enough. I AM unlikeable. I AM a fool. I AM a mistake. Shy: I don’t feel good enough. I feel disliked. I feel like a fool. I made a mistake.

I explained this difference to the students and we talked about how most of the time they are making up what the others are thinking and it is not at all true. “Oh, I understand. Yes, I’m making it up.” We translated the shame ideas to shy ideas. I AM not a good enough person became I’m feeling not good enough right now. I AM bad became I’m feeling bad right now. I AM a fool became I’m feeling foolish. They hate me became sometimes I don’t feel like people like me. I AM wrong became I made a mistake. They tried out feeling what the difference was between the sentences on each side of the big sheet of paper. Then I whispered in each student’s ear: “You’re good enough even when you feel shy.” Each one shyly smiled.

Back to writing. “Please write about shy again.”

“I’m not shy when I really know about the other person.”

“If I get shy or say the wrong thing, I want my friends are not laughing at me, but they can help me.”

“Stop caring too much about what the other people thinks about you.”

“The best way to not be shy is to be brave and try to do that thing even if you are shy.”

“I’m not shy when someone make me confident.”

“When I’m not shy, I feel like a hero because I’m brave.”

This was a heroic topic for this group of students to explore. During the next week, we tried a few things that I found on the internet to help with shyness. For example, appreciating yourself, breathing from your belly, moving your body, imagining yourself as confident and happy, getting more comfortable with making mistakes, remembering that everyone feels shy sometimes, noticing and writing down your successes.

Now, at the end of the semester, all the students except one, by their own assessment, feel more fluent and confident speaking in English. All of them still are slow to speak in English sometimes. They’re still afraid of not doing well enough sometimes. But they know the difference between, “I don’t feel good enough right now and I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH and the difference between, “I made a mistake, and I AM A MISTAKE.”

Shame, the cousin of shyness, is a right use of power issue because the feeling is so intense and feels so irreparable that it disconnects people from relationships, disempowers them, and removes their ability to assess reality. When activated by shame, people are out of relationship with others. When out of relationship with others, and unable to assess reality, people misuse their personal and positional power in ways that harm themselves or those around them or in their care. Understanding the dynamic of shame and helping yourself and others disengage from it are high priorities for using power wisely and well.

Related articles:
Shame as an Ethics Issue – Part III
Don’t Underestimate Me: Ethical Use of Power for and With Children
Excessive Impression Management and Interference With Identity

Spiral hedge mazeAll of life, all of learning and growth, all of healing follows a spiral path. We return over and over to a place of pain or suffering in order to master the lessons held therein. Each revolution of the spiral brings us more experience and perspective and skill, so that our path is smoothed and we become increasingly resilient and expansive. This sounds good, but in practice it can be quite difficult.

When we find ourselves repeating old patterns we thought we had gotten rid of, dealing with the same difficult people repeatedly, or turning into a teenager again after spending 15 minutes with certain family members, we may feel discouraged. When we are trying to change our behavior from something we dislike to something we like, or to something more functional from something less functional, it is hard to find ourselves in that familiar, rotten territory—all our hard-won awareness shines a blinding light on our foibles, while our bag of well-earned tools hangs loosely at our side, for all intents and purposes utterly empty. But these are actually opportunities for change, and so we can welcome them.

It isn’t easy to change how we do things. The older we get, the more years of habit we have keeping us in the familiar groove, whether or not it serves us. Those grooves were laid down very early on, when we were soft and spongy. Those tracks can be very difficult to obliterate or alter. But not impossible.

Fear not, and do not dismay. These seeming setbacks are natural, normal, and in fact necessary to the process of living our lives, healing our suffering, and moving along our life paths. If we can accept that we have certain lessons we need to learn, it becomes less onerous when they pop up repeatedly. Comprehending the spiral nature of self-healing and understanding the stages of change can help us recognize our successes and appreciate our own hard work.

Awareness
First, we develop awareness. We notice that something isn’t right. We aren’t happy in our relationships or we aren’t satisfied with the quality of our lives. We may search for understanding, in counseling or through contemplation or self-study, or simply wake up to what we are doing. This can be a very painful part of the process of change, but it is necessary. If we don’t know what we are doing, we can’t change anything. But at this stage, we can’t usually act differently.

If we cultivate a nonjudgmental observer’s point of view, a friendly curiosity about ourselves, we can gather a lot of information. This kind, detached attitude also helps us avoid triggering the old patterns, most of which evolved out of self-protection. Refraining from attacking ourselves when we see these patterns means we won’t aggravate them further. No salt in the wound.

Alternative
Once we understand how we get ourselves in trouble, we can choose an alternative, the next stage in the process of change. The general rule here is, “just do something different.” We are talking about change, not perfection. Doing something different is a success, even if it is not pretty or smooth. Learning to excuse ourselves to go to the bathroom instead of engaging in a habitual conflict is not the only strategy we will ever employ, but just breaking the momentum of a negative habit is a powerful experience.

Practice
The practice is up to us. This is the third stage. We have identified the problem, the alternative to it, and now we have to actually walk the path. We will not do it perfectly or have fabulous results every time. We will be clumsy and mess up. If we use our friendly awareness skills, we will notice that just practicing—whether it is meditating, thought-replacing, or lifting weights—is a reward in itself.

Practicing anything intentionally engages us with our lives. The more we practice the new action or thought, the less room we have for the old one. We realize that our work is paying off. We find ourselves automatically saying the new words, pausing where we might previously have rushed in, or stepping forward with confidence where once we might have hidden. We start to see that our work in one area spills over into other areas. Just as lifting heavy weights in the gym translates to ease in lifting grocery bags, children, furniture, and other previously immoveable objects, working consistently with our minds eventually brings more peace, more happiness, and less suffering to ourselves and those around us.

Please note that after the third stage—or any time, really—we circle back around to the first stage. There is no final stage where we win. The process never ends, but it gets easier with practice, so we might as well relax.


You look terrific today. I love what you’re wearing. You have such a nice smile. I like the sound of your voice.

Many people would rather eat a broccoli-flavored Popsicle than be on the receiving end of a compliment. Are you one of them? How did you feel when you read the previous paragraph? Receiving compliments – and also giving them – is hard when self-esteem has been injured. Low self-esteem tells us we’re just plain not good enough. And we imagine that if we can see it, so can everyone else.

If I believe I’m a dull and boring person, I will assume that you agree with me. So if you tell me that you think I’m fun and interesting, something feels very wrong. Either you’re being nice to spare my feelings, you don’t know me very well, or you’re just plain lying to me. Any way you slice it, your compliment makes me uncomfortable! (more…)

A middle-aged woman rests her head on her handDepression varies from person to person and episode to episode, not only in its degree of intensity and disability, but also by which types of symptoms the depressed person experiences. Some people experience most or all of the symptoms of depression during depressive episodes, but many people experience only one or a few.

It always amazes me how some people with depression can obsess about suicide, but be compassionate, forgiving, and non-judgmental about themselves, while others can attack themselves viciously and yet never find any appeal to suicide. Others feel like they are weighed down by a thousand pounds of bricks when they try to get out of bed, or brush their teeth, or do the dishes, but be able to feel joy. And some can be negative about every aspect of the future, but have no trouble motivating themselves to get their chores done. Some people never get suicidal, no matter how depressed they get. Others never get irritable, or never turn to addictions.

The Cluster View

This is why I developed the “cluster view” of depressive experiences. Generally, a cluster of five depression symptoms is required for a depression diagnosis, but many people experience a cluster of one to four of the symptoms, often in ways that vary widely. Usually, each person has a fairly consistent and characteristic profile for which of these symptoms attack them when they get depressed. This is why I think it’s important to talk separately about each of the ways people experience depression, or depression-like symptoms.

The Low Ambition Experience

One of the experiences of depression is the lack of physical and/or emotional energy to motivate and function. People with this type of depression feel overwhelmed by life—sometimes constantly and by everything. They just don’t have the ability to motivate themselves to do what they need to do. This is very disabling, even in milder forms.

[fat_widget_depression_right]This experience is often misunderstand and called procrastination, irresponsibility, attention-deficit, laziness, passive resistance, sloppiness, incompetence, disorganization, and more. But when someone is missing “that thing” that makes people get up and go do something, life is constantly overwhelming. The depressed person may be constantly failing and can easily lose control of the functionality of their life. Most people take this ability to motivate themselves to do things for granted. They just have it—after their morning coffee, at least—and don’t have to think about it. But for those who suffer from the lack of that ability, life can be Hell.

People experiencing this type of depression may find they have trouble motivating themselves for certain chores or parts of their lives, or that the problem extends to everything they need to do. It’s very disabling to have to talk to yourself like a coach for an hour just to get up the energy to get out of bed, even more so if you can’t motivate yourself to take care of things you have to do—like your job, parenting, or self-care—no matter how hard you try.

Understanding Emotional Energy

I believe that the motivation center that depression attacks is our “emotional energy,” which is separate from physical energy. Emotional energy is hard to describe, but if you want to do something and your body has the physical energy and you’re not scared to do the thing, but you still can’t get yourself to do it, it’s probably because you have very low emotional energy.

People with this low emotional energy cluster are not necessarily without drive or ambition to succeed. People with low emotional energy can be very ambitious, driven, and able to fulfill their ambitions when they are not experiencing this symptom. But having low emotional energy is like wanting to run a marathon when your legs are tied together. Sometimes this symptom comes in people who have been very ambitious and worked so hard they burned themselves out. Even more confusingly, people can sometimes have enough physical energy to act, but still not have the emotional energy required to act.

Listening to Emotional Energy Communications

If you have low emotional energy symptoms, try listening carefully to your “ambition system” messages. Sometimes this depressed lack of motivation is simply due to brain chemistry—in which case, the message is about doing something to alter brain chemistry. But often, the message is related to how you feel about the things that you can’t get yourself to do. Could it be that you’re dissatisfied with your job, your partner, or something else in your life that you’d have to deal with if you got up and functioned? That could be what your lack of emotional energy is telling you.

Or is there something about your life you feel helpless to change? Research has repeatedly shown that helplessness causes depression, and feeling helpless can drain people’s emotional and physical energy. If feel like you can’t have an impact, no matter what you do, then why try to do anything?

Repressing feelings of anger can also drain people for different reasons. If you think that letting yourself be angry will be destructive and you suppress it, there are two consequences: it takes a lot of energy to suppress those feelings, and you are suppressing a great deal of life-force and energy that come with anger. Your system might also know that if you have no energy, you can’t get very angry, so it cuts off your energy to protect you from perceived negative consequences of getting angry.

Living the Reality of Low Ambition

When people listen to the communications that their low emotional energy is telling them, they often find that the problem is trying to get themselves to do things because they “should” or because someone else wants them to: they try to force themselves to do things. I have found that if you wait and watch carefully, there may be moments when you feel like you can do something, or even want to. You may have to wait minutes, hours, days, or months before that moment happens, but if you can possibly afford to wait, listen, and seize the moment when you feel it, then suddenly something that felt impossible can feel easier, or even a little exciting. Noticing those moments of energy and acting on them is very important. It’s easy to ignore these moments and let things get worse.

Sometimes altering your expectations can shift your emotional energy as well. Like, what would actually happen if you didn’t fold your laundry—just stuffed it in drawers, or left it in the laundry basket? Would that make doing the laundry feel more achievable? The rules we carry about how things “should” be done can make them unachievable when you’re depressed. If you can give yourself permission to do whatever is absolutely necessary for you, it can allow you to continue to function in the world. If you can’t bear to do something, put it off, or get help—as much as possible. Make sure you get enough rest and are not trying to do too much. Make sure you have enough pleasurable activities, rest, and unstructured time. Ambition grows in certain environments and wilts in others—learn what these are for you.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.