The title of this article may seem a bit strange. Guilt is not an enjoyable experience—how can it be beneficial? The answer is that guilt can help prevent us from engaging in behaviors that may harm others and ourselves. While this is true, it is overly simplistic when left as an argument by itself. It can be maintained that it is better to do the right thing not in order to avoid guilt, but to do what is right.

Guilt does more than motivate us to avoid engaging in behavior that will cause us to feel it. Guilt invites self-reflection. This is the greater potential inherent in guilt, but we must be willing to stay with the feeling to benefit from these possibilities.

Don’t Get Rid of Guilt: Work Through It

Different types of guilt may warrant different approaches to working through them. I will discuss three primary types of guilt: neurotic guilt, reality-based guilt, and existential guilt.

With existential guilt, I will also identify three different subtypes. When we work through guilt instead of trying to quickly overcome or get rid of it, the result is often wisdom and growth. When we try to quickly rid ourselves of guilt, we often are doomed to repeat similar behaviors.

When people express feelings of guilt and regret, a common response from others is to encourage them to “let it go” or forgive themselves, especially when it appears the person is being overly hard on themselves. This is well-intended advice, but it can fall short.

The Three Types of Guilt

Neurotic guilt is based on something for which one ought not feel guilt. It is out of proportion to the event that caused it. It can even be valuable to understand where neurotic guilt is coming from in order to identify its deeper roots. For example, neurotic guilt may be rooted in experiences of being inappropriately shamed for something as a child. Identifying the cause, instead of just working to quickly alleviate the guilt, can help resolve the neurotic guilt at its source.

Actual guilt, or reality-based guilt, may seem easier to understand. If we act in a selfish manner that causes harm to a friend or loved one, it is good to feel guilt, but still important to avoid quick, simplistic resolutions. If we were to quickly apologize and forgive ourselves, we may miss opportunities for deeper understanding and wisdom that may emerge from reflecting upon our guilt.

Rollo May believed that self-awareness is the foundation of ethical behavior. When we accept the invitation to reflection that accompanies actual guilt, we may come to understand ourselves better so that we can make informed changes in our life.

Rollo May believed that self-awareness is the foundation of ethical behavior. When we accept the invitation to reflection that accompanies actual guilt, we may come to understand ourselves better so we can make informed changes in our life.

A third type of guilt, existential guilt, is often unavoidable. It is rooted in the human condition. Rollo May identified three primary types of existential guilt, each connected with different aspects or modes of our existence: personal, interpersonal/social, and the physical world.

The Three Subtypes of Existential Guilt

Existential guilt at the personal level is about not living up to our potential. If we accept the invitation to reflect on this form of existential guilt, we may come to recognize where we are not seeking to fulfill our potential and identify what is blocking us from actualizing it.

At the interpersonal level, existential guilt can easily be confused with actual guilt. However, existential guilt at the social level is focused more on one’s responsibility to others and society in general as opposed to specific interpersonal transgressions (May, 1958). When one is aware of injustice in the world around them but does not do anything to make a difference, they may feel an existential guilt. It is not that they have engaged in a behavior that has caused harm, but rather they feel guilty for participating in a system or culture that is causing harm without advocating for change. This guilt is rooted in an understanding that we are social creatures and have a responsibility to others with whom we share this world.

May believed that existential guilt at the physical world level is the most pervasive and complex. This is rooted in our connection to the physical world and our environment. As an example, neglect of the physical environment can result in existential guilt. The guilt may not be from doing intentional harm, but it may be caused by one’s inaction or neglect.

These different types of existential guilt recognize that we are both independent beings and social beings at the same time. When we deny our nature as individuals or social beings, this results in guilt. It is impossible to actualize all our potentials, speak to every social injustice, and address every environmental injustice. As a result, we are bound to having some degree of existential guilt.

For those who are deeply aware of existential guilt, this can feel overwhelming. The lesson from existential guilt is not that we should try to do everything, but that we should strive for finding a balance in which we engage in our own personal development and responsibility to the social and physical world while accepting that we cannot do it all.

Conclusion

Guilt is a call to reflection. It invites us to reflect upon our lives and the way we are living. It invites us to consider whether we are living responsibly and living in accordance with our values. When we accept the invitation and engage in this reflection, we are often able to achieve deeper wisdom. We become able to live congruently with our values.

For Victor Frankl, this reflection is the key to happiness. He believed that happiness becomes more elusive when we seek it directly and that it is best achieved through living life well. When we live life well and in accordance with our values and principles, happiness ensues.

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, warranted or unwarranted, a licensed and compassionate therapist may help you work through them.

References:

1. Frankl, V. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Touchstone.
2. May, R. (1958). Contributions of existential psychotherapy. In Existence. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, Inc.
3. May, R. (1975). The courage to create. New York, NY: Norton.

I, like many other people, grew up in a less-than-ideal environment. The circumstances got in the way of my personal development. At the same time, that environment contributed to and shaped the person that I have become.

I could assign blame for my problems and unhealthy decisions on my childhood or my parents or my teachers. However, any such statement would be unrealistic and untruthful. The fact is my parents did the best they could considering their limitations (challenges, information, copying skills, abilities, etc.). My parents provided me with many of the values I possess today and will always be my greatest teachers. Yes, my parents have made some decisions I wish they wouldn’t have, but to blame them demonstrates a narrow and limited perspective—and, more importantly, takes away any personal responsibility on my part.

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Blame outsources solution and responsibility. It is often used to divert attention from ourselves, and hands control over our life to something or someone else. As such, blaming and condemnation only create pain and breed resentment and further anger.

The tendency to blame is driven by our inability to foresee a better way of dealing with a distressing situation. We tend to blame when we are in distress because it allows us to preserve the self-satisfying narrative of helplessness/victimhood and self-righteousness. We excuse our shortcomings as the result of other people’s wrongdoings or actions.

In his book, Anger: The Inner Teacher, Rabbi Zelig Pliskin quotes Chazon Ish as saying:

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A wise man will not get angry at an insane person who wrongs him. This should be our attitude towards someone who wrongs us because of a lack of spiritual sensitivity and lack of good character. There is really no difference between a person who lacks sanity and a person who behaves improperly.

Responsibility requires pivoting from blaming external factors to empowering internal forces. There is no point in blaming. Besides, blame amplifies anger and moves us away from responsibility toward victimhood. The stance of victimhood is a powerful and rigid one, as the victim is always morally right and forever entitled to sympathy.

Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others.

Everyone in life does what they know how to do given the conditions of their lives. We will never know exactly where people came from or what circumstances they grew up in or are experiencing now. Perhaps they experienced abuse as a child. Maybe they were bullied at school. What if they are currently in a relationship that is belittling and demeaning?

When you are willing to accept total responsibility for every facet of your life, you are able to live life open to possibilities and to let go of the need to blame others. Conversely, if you repeatedly blame your mother, your husband, your president, or anyone else for your situation, it’s harder to be happy and at peace.

Letting go of blame is not easy. Keep in mind, though, that letting go of blame toward someone who has wronged you does not mean you let that person off the hook. It simply means you are concerned with the here-and-now and being responsible for your own future actions. You are choosing not to judge the other person. You are choosing instead to be responsible and move toward freedom.

Seeing your challenges in others and watching them battle the same irritations and frustrations you have dealt with can be a gateway toward greater tolerance and empathy. Your own mistakes are part of the universality of the human condition; the disturbances you experience in life are similar to the experiences of others. This commonality can be used to accept others. It can also be used as a guide to learn to respond with greater understanding and compassion rather than blaming.

The training ground for compassion is experiencing difficult feelings and sensing that your sense of self and its safety are being compromised. When you reach out with compassion to your worst enemy, it can trigger deep fears. These are opportunities to learn about yourself and develop equanimity, forbearance, and responsibility.

If you blame yourself, others, or circumstances for your conditions, you are resisting reality. This is a position from which you cannot create. Accept reality and take responsibility for your life. Empower yourself to create the life you want. If you need help or guidance, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Pliskin, Z. (1997). Anger: the inner teacher. New York: Mesorah Publications Ltd.