Most people have had a traumatic experience of some kind. While many of us learn to cope and be resilient in the face of trauma, others may become overwhelmed.

Trauma is an overwhelming experience, and it is our experience and reaction, more than the event itself, that defines trauma. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders criteria for posttraumatic stress (PTSD) are specific and involve being exposed to something that threatens life; however, different people have a range of responses to similar situations. What may feel mundane to you could be traumatic to me, and vice versa. No judgment here—we are all wired differently.

Below are three simple steps that can help anyone facing an overwhelming life experience—be it a natural disaster, loss of a loved one, an experience of violence, or an abusive past.

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1. Seek safety. The first step in addressing trauma is to create safety, on multiple levels. Physically, find a place to ground yourself and feel protected from harm. Then look for ways to actively nurture yourself. Think of a bird flying along and running into a glass window. What does that bird need—perhaps a little shoebox with some water and food, and loving hands and eyes to watch over it? On an emotional level, seek out those people in your life who can tend to you as you would that bird, who offer love, support, caring, and understanding. If you have a network of friends and family, call on them. There are also people and organizations out there to help, serve, and support you. Also, seek support on a spiritual level. Connecting with a higher power or deeper intelligence that resonates with you can be a saving grace. Many gravitate toward nature. Find what soothes your soul.
2. Process. Once you feel more grounded, contained, and safe (and you feel READY for this step), you can begin to process the parts of the experience that are still with you. Look to your body and find the movement that helps you get in touch with yourself and your feelings. Find a good therapist or group in which you can talk openly and honestly. As you process, you’ll continue to develop coping skills and strengths and build upon the safety and containment you’ve created.
3. Examine. When the bulk of your processing is over, life goes on. The goal is not to forget the traumatic experience but to resolve the emotional charge it holds in the present. Look at any learning or growth that has come from this experience. What insights have you gained? Make a note to yourself of any positive things you have learned that you can carry forward.

When we process one life event thoroughly, we may discover more there—other experiences or things we have learned about ourselves that deserve attention and healing. By now, hopefully, you have good relationships and supports you can lean on to continue your healing journey mindfully, with compassion for yourself and with the knowledge that efforts put toward healing will be helpful for you.

Disclaimer: It is never this neat. These steps will weave in and out of each other. Trauma, like life, can be chaotic, and healing is an art more than it is a science. Following your intuition and building a network of support will help. There is a way through; use these steps to guide you through your healing process.

I am primarily an introvert. Growing up, I didn’t give it much thought. I just remember that I enjoyed my alone time and would get annoyed if my mother pressured me to go out and play with friends. I was having fun with my books, war toys, and train sets, and did not understand what the problem was. She seemed to think I was being antisocial, uninvolved, and perhaps depressed.

It was as if I was doing something unhealthy and it was going to be her fault if she could not find a way to change me.

The thing is, I always had a few good friends. We just got together when we felt like it. Not seeing much of each other for a week or two did not matter. We always had fun when we got together, and have remained friends across time.

There were other things we had in common:

• We liked quiet. We could hang out for long periods of time and not talk much. When we did talk, we might talk a lot. But it was fine if no one had much to say.
• We liked alone time. It was as if we had only so much being-with-others energy. Once tapped, we would head to our caves and not come out until we felt like being with others again.
• We did not like study groups. Constant conversation seemed more disruptive than helpful when it was time to study.
• We were ambivalent about extroverts. We liked that they were usually friendly; that they initiated conversations in social settings; and that they liked it when we listened to them. We did not like that they talked a lot, all the time; that they got anxious or annoyed if we did not, or could not, respond when and how they wanted us to; and that they stressed so much if we did not agree with them, like we were committing a crime or something.
• We did not understand why so many people seemed to think we should be more sociable.

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One time, an extroverted girlfriend told me that my need for downtime was unhealthy, that I had a serious problem. This bothered me, so I decided to find out what people who are supposed to know about these things had to say about my inclination to introspection. I did not like what I found.

Among the descriptive terms for introverts in both standard dictionaries and psychological glossaries were: self-centered, primarily concerned with their own thoughts and feelings; reticent; lacking in energy and positive emotion; difficulty adjusting to social situations; excessive daydreaming and introspection; and withdrawal under stress.

A particularly annoying comment was found in the American Psychological Association’s Glossary of Psychological Terms—the message being that these behaviors and processes were matters of choice and, when not, may point to an underlying pathology such as a social phobia or avoidant personality disorder.

Talk about sandbagged! I was not choosing to enjoy solitary activities, I just enjoyed them. I was not choosing to be drained at times by ongoing interactions with others, I was just drained. Furthermore, I like people. When I choose to connect, I do so at a deep level, with genuine empathy.

However, according to some “experts” on human behavior, I run the risk of being perceived as seriously disturbed. Needless to say, I did not mention this to my girlfriend.

Years passed before I happened upon information about introversion that actually made sense. This information came from Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types and is the basis for the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, arguably the measure of personality most widely referenced over the past 30 years.

Jung noticed that human beings have a birth nature. This nature, or psychological type, is determined by an individual’s natural and normal degree of response orientation toward one pole or the other on four behavior and/or process opposite dichotomies. Introversion-extroversion is one of these dichotomies.

A solid base of empirical evidence regarding the introverted process has grown from over 40 years of experience using the MBTI in both counseling and employment settings. Natural and normal traits and characteristics associated with the introverted process include:

• Primary source of life energy derived from introspective processes.
• Have limited social interactive energy. Usually require downtime to recharge when depleted.
• Come to conclusions through reflection. Conclusions are experienced as factual reality, as self-evident, and therefore may not be expressed.
• May have difficulty accessing words required to adequately express what they are thinking or feeling.
• Interruptions may disrupt their connection to what they are thinking, feeling, or saying.
• Are inner focused and, consequently, may not be aware of their impact on others.

As a general rule, the stronger an individual’s introverted response orientation, the greater the likelihood that the characteristics and traits above will apply.

Conclusion

There is a reason introverts experience a deep sense of satisfaction, even joy, in solitary pursuits, and it is not because there is something wrong with them. It is because they are, by nature, designed to generate life energy in this manner.

As with extremes in general, there is a point where one’s drive for solitude may become problematic. However, I have been working with introverted people in individual, couples, and family counseling settings for over 14 years now and, with rare exception, have found a person’s drive for solitary pursuits to be in balance with his or her degree of introverted response orientation.

Americans are famous for being a hard-working bunch, taking the fewest paid vacation days off. I, for one, spent the summer studying advanced yoga therapy techniques on weekends, and working during the week, especially during the months of June and August. But I made sure to take some time off at the beginning and again at the end of the season so I could relax a bit, and I’m glad I did. Studying ways to help people relax is hard work, and it can be pretty stressful!

What did I learn at yoga school? I studied what happens to your body when it is subjected to relentless stress, and the importance of learning how to relax and let go. The stress response works great if you’re running away from a hungry tiger, but prolonged stress is bad for you because it weakens the body and the brain.

This is why:

1. Your adrenal glands pump adrenaline, which raises your heart rate, your blood pressure, and increases the amount of sugar in your blood. Your adrenal cortex sends out cortisol, part of the stress response. This helps you run fast when you’re escaping the tiger, but when it becomes habitual and there aren’t any tigers to run away from, it is destructive.
2. Stress kills brain cells; a calm environment permits their growth. It is not true that brain cells stop growing when you’re an adult, they just grow more slowly. So help them out and give them a nice place to live.
3. Stress is associated with depression and anxiety. No fun.
4. Your immune system doesn’t work as well as it should. Ah-choo!
5. The right amount of stress is beneficial, but too much is deadly.

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That’s why relaxation is as important as eating well and getting enough exercise and should be part of your regular health routine. It’s a way to take care of yourself and show yourself some love. So if it’s not a part of your usual day, you might want to think about adding it to your program. Don’t have much time? I bet you can find five or 10 minutes to call your own if you look hard.

Maybe your family is demanding. Make some demands of your own in return. You need a break just as much as anyone needs anything.

Working hard for a tyrannical boss? Find a way to make your work environment more pleasant. Look around and see if there’s some small thing you can do to make things better for you—adding a foot rest, for example, if your seat is too high for you, or wearing really comfortable shoes if you spend a lot of time on your feet.

One powerful relaxation technique is restorative yoga. Like all yoga, the sequence is based on bending forward, backward, sideways, and twisting. The difference is that these poses are held for a long time—five or even 10 minutes. You place yourself in a pose, child’s pose, for example, but your body is supported by bolsters so that you are in complete and absolute comfort.

I invite you to try the restorative version of child’s pose. Start child pose the usual way, but with the short end of a bolster in front of you, and then fold over it lengthwise so your body is supported by the bolster. There are many such adaptations of yoga poses you may already know. You can get DVDs that will show you how, but I think if you are able, it’s best to visit a class or two and learn directly from a teacher.

Finally, if you absolutely can’t stop the worried, anxious chatter in your brain and you’re always wired, consider seeing a therapist for some help.

Below are some of my favorite ways to relax. Like everyone, I need time out for myself, even if it’s only a few minutes. I don’t always feel like I have to respond immediately to help other people. I need to take care of myself first, and you do, too.

1. Take warm, relaxing baths.
2. Go for a walk in the park.
3. Water and admire your plants.
4. Fill the room with a lovely scent.
5. Take a yoga class, or give yourself one.
6. Meditate.
7. Read.
8. Listen to music.
9. Have a nice visit with someone.
10. Watch television.
11. Go swimming.
12. Breathe.
13. Give yourself enough time to do things, so you’re not always rushing.
14. Laugh. This is very important. Among other things, laughter opens up the airways and pumps fresh air into your lungs. Also, it’s fun.
15. Dance.
16. Jog.
17. Pet the cat, dog, or other pets.

I bet you have many other favorite ways to relax, things you enjoy doing. The secret is to remember to do them. Helping others helps with your stress, by the way, so why not post your favorite ways to relax and give us more ideas? (If you feel like it, that is!)

References:

1. Berzin, R. (2014, July 20). 10 Reasons Why Stress Is The Most Dangerous Toxin In Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14560/10-reasons-why-stress-is-the-most-dangerous-toxin-in-your-life.html
2. Krantz, D., Thorn, B., & Kiecolt-Glaser, J. (2013). How Stress Affects Your Health. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-facts.pdf

It usually comes at the end of a long day, when you are most in need of rest and settling into the comfort of a warm bed, eager for respite. It is the arrival of “busy brain,” or “monkey brain” as the Buddhists refer to it because of the way random thoughts swing from “vine” to “vine. It’s the surge of unwelcome ruminations that seemingly come out of nowhere and are intent upon keeping you from your precious slumber.

Unfortunately, they are often not the rehashing of the day’s pleasantries but rather a review of situations that made you frustrated, angry, or anxious and, like a juggling of spinning gyros, one thought leads seamlessly into the next, one tangent to another, without a break in between. This happens to all of us, but for people who experience obsessive thoughts, this can happen for hours on end, night or day, with no relief.

Many of us know OCD from movies such as As Good As It Gets, or from shows like Monk. We use the acronym to denote any degree of perfectionism or eccentricity. We like to say he has OCD because he needs his car meticulously clean or she’s OCD because she alphabetizes her breakfast cereal.

But not all of these behaviors equate to OCD. Sometimes they are just personality traits that don’t necessarily cause any dysfunction or distress. Clinical OCD—obsessive compulsion—on the other hand is much more apparent in terms of the individual’s (as well as his or her loved one’s) dysfunction or distress.

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One of the main symptoms is obsessive thoughts, which are more difficult to depict in the movies and television as they are representative of the internal world of the person. These are different from the rituals and compulsions that get characterized, such as when Jack Nicholson can’t step beyond the threshold of his apartment without going into a full-blown panic attack.

Obsessive thoughts are thoughts that churn in the mind in perpetual cycles over and over again. It provokes curiosity as to why people affected by OCD can’t just move on and why, after days, they still seem stuck on one particular issue. Most of us, when we think about a problem, for example, identify the issue, recognize our reactions, decide how we want to deal with it, and then it’s over; we are ready to move on to the next challenge. But those who experience obsessive thoughts find themselves in a type of analysis paralysis and, instead of putting an idea to rest, they get stuck. Psychoneurobiologists refer to this stuckness as the ring of fire, because on a PET scan of the brain, which helps to identify brain functioning and patterns, the process is illuminated by a bright red circle of activity in the form of an endless loop.

So what can people do to manage themselves out of this ring of fire when their brains are predisposed to functioning this way? What can any of us do, OCD aside, when we find ourselves in this maddening merry-go-round of the mind? Research has pointed to the practices of meditation and mindfulness as valuable tools in training the brain to shift its focus. Each time an obsessive thought arises, instead of trying to stop it with another thought or idea, the person practices present-moment awareness via a checking-in process or what I call a “sensory inventory.”

The best way to conduct this sensory inventory is to focus on one’s primary senses—auditory/hearing, somatic/touch, gustatory/taste, olfactory/smell, and vestibular/movement—because this kind of awareness grounds us in what is happening right now, the present moment. Asking questions such as the following can help direct this focus: What sounds am I hearing right now? What is the temperature or sensation on my skin—is it hot or cold, dry or moist? Are there any particular smells in the room? What is my body feeling? What am I noticing in terms of bodily sensations (e.g., a churning in the stomach or tightness in the shoulders)?

When we conduct this sensory check-in, we are essentially arriving into presence and, in doing so, shifting the mind’s focus away from the storylines orchestrated by our psyches, thereby neutralizing the obsessive thought’s pull into either the past or future, both of which present us with myriad judgments, regrets, fears, anxieties, and the perpetual “I-should-haves” or “what-ifs.”

Another benefit of the mindfulness practice is the new superhighway it creates in the brain. The brain works efficiently, and when given a choice between a clear, quick route (the road that represents our habits) and unclear, rocky terrain (that which is undeveloped and uncharted), it will choose the former. Through practice, we can clear the brush away and begin to build our own, detoured path. It may be difficult at first, but just like the toddler who pulls herself up on the coffee table and, in the next miraculous moment, takes her first steps, once the road is open, the brain is eager to redirect its traffic and we find that we can quickly shift from rumination to conscious awareness.

The first question a person who is seeking help for trauma often asks is, “Will I ever get better?” It is common to feel hopeless after experiencing a traumatic event. Trauma affects how the brain functions. It can physically change the brain and make people feel that they are not themselves any longer. Activities that were once simple and automatic become difficult or feel downright impossible. Fortunately, the options for the treatment of trauma are very effective.

There are several options when it comes to choosing a modality of trauma treatment; I’ll cover them in subsequent articles. Having information about each modality can help a person to make an informed choice when choosing the route of treatment that is right for him or her.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is one effective method of treating trauma. The name of this intervention is a mouthful; just seeing or hearing it can cause a person to feel overwhelmed and confused. It is, in reality, a fairly simple intervention that addresses the many effects of trauma, including negative beliefs about the self (such as “I am not safe” or “I am bad”) that commonly arise, the sensory aspect, including images and body sensations related to the trauma, as well as emotions.

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According to the EMDR Institute, Inc., several studies have been conducted to test the efficacy of EMDR, and the data show that a majority of people experience a reduction in their trauma-related symptoms after treatment. One such study, conducted by Carlson et al. (1998), found that 77.7% of veterans who had experienced multiple traumatic events had an elimination of posttraumatic stress (PTSD) symptoms after participating in 12 sessions of EMDR. Another study, conducted by Arabia et al. (2011), found that people who had experienced a life-threatening health issue related to cardiac problems had a reduction in symptoms related to PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

Overview of EMDR Treatment

There are eight phases in EMDR treatment. Francine Shapiro (2001), who developed this therapeutic technique, states that it is important to understand that how long a person must spend in each phase will be different for each individual.

The phases include:

1. Getting a history
2. Preparing a person for the trauma work through building coping skills
3. Determining the specific components of the first trauma that will be reprocessed
4. Desensitization
5. Installing a positive belief about the self when recalling the trauma
6. Checking in with the body for any residual trauma (body scan)
7. Closing of the session
8. Reevaluation during the next session to see if any new information has come up or changes have happened between sessions

The Role of Dual Attention Stimulus

The thing that most people find fascinating or even strange about EMDR is what is called dual attention stimulus, which is utilized during the desensitization, installation, and body scan phases of EMDR. This involves either moving the eyes back and forth, tapping on one side of the body and then the other (i.e., left hand and then right hand), or using sounds in alternating ears.

The dual attention seems to do a few things: helps the brain to work through previously difficult material, makes recalling memory easier, and has a calming effect. It is unknown why the dual attention has this effect, but several studies support its effectiveness (EMDR Institute, 2011).

Dual attention can also help a person to keep the attention in the present while allowing the brain to go to the past, which can help to decrease the potential for hyperarousal, which could get in the way of treatment. It is also thought to help with moving information through the brain so it can be filed away correctly.

How EMDR Helps the Brain

Another way to see the EMDR process and how it helps is to imagine that your brain and its memory networks are a network of streams and rivers. When a traumatic event happens, it is almost like a beaver dam has been constructed somewhere within the network, which can send the entire network into panic mode. The water gets backed up and overflows, which can affect areas that don’t seem connected to the network with the block.

In the case of trauma, it is the emotion, memories, body sensations, thoughts, and beliefs that are overflowing and not getting where they need to go. EMDR’s main objective is to address and remove the beaver dam, or block, so that the brain can process. Removing blocks essentially helps the brain to tap into its own ability to heal itself.

Is It Right for You?

If interested in participating in EMDR therapy, make sure that the therapist you choose was trained by a reputable source.

EMDR is a well-researched and effective treatment for trauma on any level, no matter how small or big. Even if EMDR is not the right fit for you, other resources and treatment modalities are available.

References:

1. Arabia, E., Manca, M.L., and Solomon, R.M. (2011). EMDR for survivors of life-threatening cardiac events: Results of a pilot study. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research, 5, pp. 2-13. Retrieved September 1, 2014 from http://www.emdr.com/general-information/research-overview.html
2. Carlson, J., Chemtob, C.M., Rusnak, K., Hedlund, N.L, and Muraoka, M.Y. (1998). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): Treatment for combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 11, 3-24. Retrieved September 1, 2014 from http://www.emdr.com/general-information/research-overview.html
3. EMDR Institute, Inc. Dual attention stimuli. Retrieved September 1, 2014 from http://www.emdr.com/general-information/dual-attention-stimuli.html
4. EMDR Institute, Inc. Research overview. Retrieved September 1, 2014 from http://www.emdr.com/general-information/research-overview.html
5. Shapiro, F. (2001). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures, second edition. The Guilford Press: New York

I see it all the time in my work with divorcing people: the anger, bitterness, and frustration felt when one partner betrays or deceives the other with little or no remorse for their actions.

If you’re waiting for an apology or some explicit expression of remorse from your ex, pull up a comfortable chair and get ready to sit for a while. The ability to repent for an act of betrayal requires a level of evolution that most people never aspire to reaching. Saying I’m sorry means admitting fault, as does acknowledging that the action has deeply hurt another person. Both require courage and a deep capacity for empathy and compassion.

Waiting for an apology you may never get will keep you stuck, unable to move on with your life. When the need for an apology becomes connected to healing, the focus becomes your ex as opposed to yourself. It leaves you in a powerless place because you will never be able to will your ex into giving you what you so rightly deserve.

So the work for you becomes more about how to relinquish the need for an apology, accountability, or remorse, which will enable you to move on and begin picking up the pieces of your life.

Here are five steps to relinquishing the apology you’ll never get:

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1. Acceptance: Accept that life isn’t fair, that the process of divorce is riddled with inequities. Life, love, and relationships are not about being even, and you cannot make someone do something for you even in the name of love. Start to focus on how you can live with never getting the acknowledgment you deserve instead of what it means to not get it. This is one of the hardest things to do because it feels like the other person is getting away unscathed. Remember that this is about integrity; it’s not about who wins or loses.
2. Awareness: Awaken to the truth of the person you’re dealing with. If your partner shows little or no remorse, then they may possibly be lacking empathy. Empathy is a human capacity that makes it harder to hurt other people. You may not have noticed it until now, but if you think back, it may be that a lack of compassion and empathy is not out of character for your ex. Get real with your expectations, and open your eyes to the truth of who you’re dealing with.
3. Let go: Work on detaching emotionally from the expectation of an apology. Your need for an apology or remorse is directly connected to your emotional attachment, which makes it impossible to let go of the need to be acknowledged and honored by someone who has betrayed you. When your ex’s actions don’t matter and don’t define your experience, you are well on your way to letting go. Ask yourself if you want to be emotionally attached or if you would rather be set free from that connection. Meditate on how much energy you’re expending on this issue, and then come to terms with whether getting what you are hoping for would change anything for you.
4. Self-reflect: Sometimes, focusing on your ex’s actions (or lack thereof) is a way to move away from focusing on yourself. What can you take responsibility for, and what can you learn about yourself from this experience? Inner wisdom will allow you to rise above this petty situation, and you’ll feel empowered in your own process. Reflect on why you need an apology or to see remorse, and why that has become such a determining factor in your ability to move on.
5. Reframe: Your ex’s lack of remorse does not devalue your pain and suffering. Betrayal is not measured by the act; it’s measured by the pain it causes the person being hurt. Sometimes, we think the level of remorse equals the crime, but some people have horrible regret for even the most benign acts. Reframe your ideas about remorse and apologies as things to appreciate if they happen, but not essential to your process. A lack of an apology is more a reflection of the person not giving it than of the person who was wronged.

Research and lived experience challenge stereotypes about gay relationships and make room for individual choices.

You know the stereotypes—gay men aren't interested in long-term, committed relationships. Or they can't sustain them. It's all about sex, the quickies, the one-night stands. But current research tells a very different story. Recent survey data shows that 92% of LGBTQ adults in same-sex relationships report their relationship is going at least fairly well, including 63% who say it is going very well. Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since marriage equality became legal nationwide, and the vast majority say they married for love (93%), companionship (74%), and legal protections (75%), with many reporting that marriage improved their sense of safety and security (83%), life satisfaction (75%), and relationship stability (67%). Another stereotype bites the dust! (Or should, anyway.) It seems that we've been looking at it the wrong way around.

How stereotypes shape expectations

Stereotypes are used to oppress. Research suggests that LGBTQ+ individuals face health disparities linked to societal stigma, discrimination, and denial of their civil and human rights. They are often a reaction to fear. Even the rare complimentary ones—"Those people are very smart!"—are offensive because, just like the negative ones, they make assumptions about large groups of individuals. Both positive and negative stereotypes create expectations and attitudes that affect people's behavior toward the group in question, with stigma involving negative stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding LGBTQ individuals. In the case of gay people, stereotypes about their relationships belittle their humanity and their morals (and thereby justify hate and deprivation of their basic rights). But in reality, it may be a "chicken or the egg" situation of sorts. That is, did the relationship styles create the stereotype or did the social condemnation cause the relationship style?

If one is not allowed to engage in gay relationships because of societal and legal prohibitions, what other recourse is there but to keep them hidden? And if they are hidden from public view, how can anyone know they exist? How easy it is then to proclaim that they do not exist! Historical evidence supports this pattern. During Prohibition and earlier eras, LGBTQ+ individuals often gathered in hidden speakeasies and underground venues, creating communities that remained invisible to mainstream society. Then there are the great numbers of gay men who had to enter into an "acceptable" relationship—marriage to a woman—in order to maintain the illusion of heterosexuality. Society created a situation where this was barely a choice; anyone believed to be gay would have been subject to loss of employment, banishment from religious institutions, ostracization from family and friends, and violence. Sadly, in many places this is still true. The only chance these people had to express their true sexuality was in brief, clandestine encounters. We must ask: if gay had always been an accepted human variation, would those stereotypes have had the chance to form?

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Recognizing internalized stigma

The flip side of this is that when you are gay and grow up hearing lies about your relationships all the time, you may start to buy into them at a subconscious level. Research shows this internalized stigma can significantly impact mental health.

Internalised stigma or internalized homophobia refers to the process of voluntarily accepting social prejudices about the LGBTQ+ population and manifesting feelings of shame, self-doubt and low self-esteem. These do not stem from organic feelings but are a result of having exposed to the same societal views or pressures for so long that it becomes “internalized”. How might you recognize if the views or thoughts you are having represent internalised stigma? Here are some common themes:

• Persistent shame – Feeling a persistent sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you, often without being able to articulate exactly what or why.
• Denial and suppression – Telling yourself attraction is "just a phase," and that you will get over it. Finding yourself mentally pushing same-sex thoughts away, only to have them return more forcefully.
• Distancing from queer identity – Consciously avoiding LGBTQ+ spaces, media, or visibly queer people, even when privately drawn to them, to avoid self-confrontation or association.
• Sabotaging intimacy – Pulling yourself away from same-gender partners when relationships become real or visible, as though closeness with someone of the same gender feels dangerous or undeserved.
• Feeling undeserving of joy – Reaching positive milestones (coming out, a relationship, community) and feeling strangely flat or guilty rather than happy, as though good things aren't meant for you or something you should be guilty for.

What this can sometimes mean for gay couples is that they may have inhibitions towards displaying their love publicly, leading to confusion in relationships on whether their partner truly loves them. One might even push away a loving relationship due to internalised guilt and shame leading to heartbreak and dissatisfaction with their love lives.

The bisexual and transgender communities have the highest rates of mental health concerns within the LGBTQ+ population, with younger members of the LGBTQ+ community struggling the most with mental health concerns of all age groups. It is therefore important for young gay people to really think about whom they are as individuals and what they want for themselves, while being aware of how internalized stigma might show up in day to day experiences. Because today more than ever, there are options. Gay is "out." Gay people from all walks of life are speaking out about their sexual identity, which is reassuring and reflective of more growing acceptance. There are new laws being passed. Though it's worth noting that support has seen some fluctuation in recent years. While support for same-sex marriage dipped slightly to 67% in 2023 from a record high of 69% the year before, it remains significantly higher than it was a decade ago. In fact, for more and more of the public, gay is a nonissue. It is mainstream. But where there are options, one has to think about the choices.

Current research reveals the complexity of modern LGBTQ+ relationships. Studies show that cisgender sexual minority women are more likely than cisgender sexual minority men to engage in monogamous relationships, and the latter are more likely than the former to be in open relationships, with some research suggesting that lesbian women may have a greater adhesion to heteronormative gender roles prescribing monogamy, marriage, and family than do gay men. This diversity in relationship structures reflects the freedom to choose what works best for each individual and couple.

Choosing what you want for yourself

Choice is freedom and that's a great thing. But with choice comes the need for self-examination and responsibility. You can't just be along for the ride. YOU are in the driver's seat now. What do you want for yourself? Do you enjoy the single life? Is marriage what you've always dreamed of? Is it something you want, just not right now? How about parenthood? Do you understand that dating is a process of learning about one another? Do you know what you want out of a relationship and how to have a healthy one? These are all things you need to ask yourself, but may not have been able to realistically consider until recently.

Today's data shows the reality of these expanded opportunities. The largest share of LGBTQ+ adults — 51.1% — report that they are single or have never married, reflecting that young adults are disproportionately likely to identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual, compared to 23.7% of all U.S. adults who have never married. Overall, 14.4% of all LGBTQ+ adults are in a cohabiting relationship with a same-sex partner, including 8.0% who are married and 6.4% who are living with a domestic partner.

In the past, other people labeled the relationships of the gay community based on prejudices and discrimination. The gay rights movement has, and continues to, open up doors so that each individual can decide what is meaningful and chart the course of his or her own life. While challenges remain, particularly for LGBTQ+ youth, most LGBTQ+ individuals are incredibly resilient and will thrive in the face of adversity, with the help of supportive families, communities, and peers.

If you're navigating questions about your sexual identity or relationship goals, consider speaking with an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist who can provide support tailored to your unique experiences and needs.

Medical Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

References

Community Marketing and Insights & UCLA Williams Institute. (2024). Perspectives on marriage equality in 2024. Williams Institute. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Perspectives-Marriage-Equality-Jun-2024.pdf

Pew Research Center. (2025). Rising number of U.S. households are headed by married same-sex couples. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2025/06/ST_2025.6.12_same-sex-couples_report.pdf

Mental Health America. (2025). LGBTQ+ communities and mental health. https://mhanational.org/resources/lgbtq-communities-and-mental-health/

Cannas Aghedu, F., Blais, M., & Séguin, L. J. (2024). Romantic relationship configurations and their correlates among LGBTQ+ persons: A latent class analysis. PLoS One, 19(9), e0309954. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11398688/

Lavietes, M. (2024, March 12). Support for same-sex marriage and LGBTQ protections dipped in 2023, survey shows. NBC News. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna142751

Williams Institute. (2025). Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since Obergefell v. Hodges. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/ss-marriage-data-media-alert/

Gallup. (2025). Share of married LGBTQ+ Americans down slightly from peak. https://news.gallup.com/poll/691199/share-married-lgbtq-americans-down-slightly-peak.aspx

History Channel. (2025). How gay culture blossomed during the roaring twenties. https://www.history.com/articles/gay-culture-roaring-twenties-prohibition

Arcadia Publishing. (2024). The hidden and heroic history of LGBTQ+ America: From shadows to visibility. https://www.arcadiapublishing.com/blogs/news/the-hidden-and-heroic-history-of-lgbtq-america-from-shadows-to-visibility

Saunders, C. L. (2024). Mental health challenges within the LGBTQ community: A societal imperative. Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, 13(9), 3529-3535. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11504819/

You find yourself in a fraught situation: your partner has just learned about your affair. Feelings of panic, anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt overwhelm you. You aren’t sleeping well, maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that every conversation will lead to your partner telling you it’s over. You have some decisions to make: should you stay or leave the relationship? If you decide to stay, there are some realities you must accept—specifically, the repair process could take a couple of years. It will require a lot of emotional and behavioral work.

Think of it this way: repairing an affair is like trying to rebuild an investment account after having made a series of short-sighted trades that wiped you out. You feel pressured to save and reinvest quickly to recreate what you had, but just like with a financial investment, relationship investments cannot be rebuilt quickly. At first, your balance is zero. It is through your efforts that the balance in the account grows. Just as all of your spending decisions will affect how much you are able to deposit in your retirement account, the daily decisions you make about your relationship will result in how quickly you build up your relationship account.

The unfaithful partner must accept the reality of the slow repair process. Just when everything seems to be going well and you are hopeful that forgiveness will come soon, your partner may be triggered by a thought, event, or feeling and be thrown back into the well of anger and despair. Continue to think of it as an investment account. Checking the balance every day won’t make it grow faster. What does make it grow faster is making everyday choices that please your partner.

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Love is behavioral—it takes attention, attunement, regular and healthy communication, compromise, and a willingness to play the long game. Short-sightedness in relationships is a self-inflicted wound. Do not cut corners by passing up chances at affection or emotional connection, or by rationalizing that unhealthy behaviors don’t count or won’t be noticed. When in the process of repair, the unfaithful partner must act from an understanding that everything he or she does matters. Your actions and words will serve to either help rebuild your relationship or contribute to its breakdown.

The partner in the process of repair needs to accept that he or she may be under the microscope. You will be watched, assessed, and perhaps feel like you are under surveillance. Before allowing this to upset you, remind yourself that you created this situation.

You may be wondering what really helps in rebuilding trust in your relationship. From my perspective, relationships are repaired mainly through small gestures. Trips to romantic destinations and expensive gifts may seem like obvious ways to increase trust, but they’re not. Trust is developed by engaging in trustworthy behavior on a regular basis.

To help you clean up your relationship mess, here are some suggestions that may increase trust between you and your partner:

1. Cut out the secrecy. Your partner may want to have your passwords for your phone, banking, credit cards, and social media accounts. This may feel invasive and unnecessary to you, but to your partner, this gesture sends the message that you get it. Hurt partners often gain reassurance by engaging in the process of “checking.” Many hurt individuals greatly dislike the act of checking up on their partners because they genuinely want to trust you. Reading emails and text messages can make the hurt partner feel parental. It’s an uncomfortable situation for both parties, which is why it often stops shortly after it starts.
2. Increase your availability. If your partner contacts you, make every effort to either answer the phone, text, or email back immediately. If there were frequent communication dark periods during your affair, your partner will respond to your unavailability with increased anxiety, which leads to lack of trust.
3. If after ending the affair you are still contacted by the affair partner, tell your partner of the contact. You may resist doing so out of fear it could lead to a fight, but if he or she finds out later about any further contact between you and your affair partner, trust will be weakened.
4. Be honest about why you chose to have the affair. One way to not make the same mistake twice is to understand why you made the choices you did. Sharing the truth can be and often is very painful, but it is a vital aspect of the repair process.

When parents divorce, they sometimes forget that their children didn’t also get a divorce. They still have their two-parent family, even if that family occupies two households instead of one.

Sometimes, though, it seems too hard to figure out how to communicate with someone you are no longer in a relationship with. But because you have children together, you can’t just go your separate ways, hoping you do not run into each other. Perhaps you or the other parent thought you’d no longer have to have the same, old arguments about parenting that you used to have, that it would all be behind you.

What you have perhaps learned by now is that you continue to have the same disagreements about the children, only from your separate homes. You still have to figure out your parenting timeshare as well as how the children will go back and forth between your houses, get to school and to their activities, get their homework done, make medical and educational decisions, and other considerations. And you still have to learn how to interact with the other parent to help make all these things happen, and to be civil and cordial with each other while in the children’s presence.

Perhaps instead of getting easier, it has not only gotten harder, it hasn’t changed the problems that weren’t addressed when you were together. What to do now?

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Working on your co-parenting relationship may be more than you may have thought you were emotionally prepared to do. One of you may have moved out of the family home, emotions may be running high due to the pain and disappointment of the end of the relationship, and perhaps not knowing what’s next—or worse, continually anticipating that what’s next is something you won’t like—is wearing on you. You may find that every decision holds the possibility of anger and anxiety. It may be that all you want to do is stay as far away from the other parent as possible, if only to collect yourself and find a way to try again.

If this is your experience, it is often helpful to work with a co-parenting therapist to help turn down the heat.

In co-parenting therapy, with the help of a third, neutral party, you will have the opportunity to:

1. Talk about the issues that you find most difficult to discuss with your ex.
2. Make decisions regarding those things which cannot be different for a child living in two households (the school your child attends, medical decisions, team sports, etc.).
3. Identify the decisions you can make separately for each of your households (bed times, food, houses of worship, etc.).
4. Address your communication styles and the interactions you have with each other as a result of the different ways you have of expressing yourselves.
5. Understand the reactions you each have to the other. The most effective tool you have to change the level of conflict in your relationship is to work on how you react to the other parent.

Co-parenting therapy can help you learn how to communicate more effectively, with the goal that you will not need the help of a third party to co-parent your children and you will be able to do so without conflict. Research has shown that when parents are able to put their differences aside and work to establish a post-divorce family that is not characterized by conflict, most children are able to adapt well to the changes in the family structure.

Co-parenting therapy is appropriate regardless of whether you still live in the same house and are preparing to live separately, have recently set up separate households, want to make adjustments to the parenting plan you’ve had in place for some time, or just need help communicating better about your child’s needs. Having a relationship with a co-parenting therapist can help you create an amicable relationship with your ex and protect your children from unnecessary conflict.

Trying to find the right mental health professional for your needs can feel daunting. There are so many providers out there, and it’s important to find a good one.

Many choose to begin their search on the internet. That’s a good start! But looking through search results may feel confusing. Most of the names have letters behind them, but what do all those letters mean? How can a savvy consumer use them to choose a counselor or therapist?

Here’s a brief guide to some of the common credentials in mental health licensing in the United States. Some of these credentials relate to the state licensing and certification standards for practicing professionals.Thus, they may vary somewhat from state to state. But in most states there is some similarity in qualifications required for licensure. If you are interested in knowing the minimal level of qualification for practice in your state, you can often find this information from an Internet search for your state and the specific credential you are interested in. You can also contact your state’s licensing board directly for more information.

• Registered psychotherapist: Some states have a database that lists people who provide services but do not have formal training in the field. This type of registry aims to provide some level of regulation for people who provide counseling services but do not have credentials. Among these people may be those who call themselves a “life coach” or simply a “therapist.”
• CAC: A certified addictions counselor has some level of training in the specific dynamics of addiction. Credentials necessary to achieve this certification vary by state. But they are often minimal. For example, in Colorado, CAC I and CAC II require a high school diploma or GED. A CAC III (the highest level) requires a bachelor’s degree. [fat_widget_right]
• MA: Master of arts is a fairly universal designation. It indicates the person has a master’s degree. If it is used to indicate professional competence in psychology, it should be in a field related to psychology. A master’s degree generally reflects two years of post-bachelor’s study.
• MS: Master of science also indicates a degree held.
• MEd: This stands for a master’s degree in education.
• MC: This stands for a master’s degree in counseling.
• LPC/LCPC/LPCC/LMHC: These acronyms stand for, respectively, licensed professional counselor, licensed clinical professional counselor, licensed professional clinical counselor, and licensed mental health counselor. These are all licensed by the state. Generally, a person must hold a master’s degree, complete a certain number of post-degree training hours under supervision, and pass a licensure exam.
• LAC: In some states, a licensed addiction counselor has been licensed as an addictions counselor and has specialized training in this field. In some states, this certification requires a completed master’s degree.
• NCC: A national certified counselor has completed a master’s degree, post-degree supervision, and the national counselor examination. This is a nationwide credential. It is consistent from state to state.
• LMFT: This stands for licensed marriage and family therapist. 
• LCSW: This stands for licensed clinical social worker. 
• EMDR: Some (but not all) professionals who have completed training in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy and are qualified to offer it use this credential. To receive training, clinicians must be students or graduates of a psychology-related, graduate-level training program, as per The EMDR Institute, Inc.
• EdD: This indicates that the holder holds a doctorate in education.
• PsyD: This means the holder has completed a doctorate in psychology degree. The focus in a PsyD program generally emphasizes less research than in a PhD program and often requires less original research by the student.
• PhD: A person with a PhD holds a doctorate of philosophy degree. For practicing mental health professionals, the degree should be in the field of psychology. In most cases, a doctoral degree reflects a minimum of four or five years of post-bachelor’s study. The national average is seven years of study.
• MD: A person with an MD has completed medical school and holds a doctorate in medicine. People offering mental health services should have completed a residency in psychiatry and be a board-certified psychiatrist. Most psychiatrists prescribe medication as part of their practice. Some limit themselves to medication-related issues. But some do also offer therapy. Psychiatrists complete four years of post-bachelor’s study in medical school and a residency of at least four years.
• LP: Some licensed psychologists use this credential to indicate their status. But it is not standard, so many others do not. Licensed psychologists must hold a doctoral degree and have completed at least one year of full-time internship in clinical practice. They must also have passed a licensure exam, completed extensive post-doctoral training under supervision, and be licensed by the state. In most states, the term “psychologist” is legally protected and reserved for those who have completed these requirements. In addition to counseling offered by other types of professionals, psychologists may offer psychological testing and assessment services.
• ABPP: This means a person has been board certified to practice in a specialty by the American Board of Professional Psychology. To be certified, a professional must be a licensed psychologist, hold an accredited doctoral degree and have passed a licensure exam. The completion of post-doctoral training under supervision and additional specialty-specific practice and examinations are also required. Providers must also hold a state license. The ABPP is a national certifying body, so this credential is the same in every state.

Professionals who are licensed as counselors, physicians, or psychologists may be licensed in more than one state. States have different continuing education requirements. Licensed mental health professionals are required to maintain current knowledge and practice by completing a certain number of CE credits every year. This helps people seeking help know that potential providers have met the requirements for education and practice and are familiar with the standards for ethical practice. It also assures consumers that care providers are held to these standards to maintain licensure.

One red flag is when a clinician’s status does not match their education level. For example: John Doe, MA is listed as a “registered psychotherapist.” This does not reflect the licensure status for a master’s-level clinician. That certification would be LPC, LCPC, LPCC, or LMHC, depending on the state. Another example: John Doe, PhD is listed as an LPC. LPC reflects master’s-level study, not doctoral level study.

There could be many reasons for such a discrepancy. Many of these reasons pose no problem, but some do. A short-lived discrepancy may simply reflect the period of transition while a recent graduate completes post-degree hours under supervision. But it may reflect something more concerning. It may mean there is some reason the person is not eligible for the license that best reflects their  degree. Perhaps John Doe’s degree is actually in biology, but he decided to change careers. Since his degree is not relevant and does not reflect training in the field, it does not make him eligible to be licensed. Or perhaps John Doe received a PhD from a nonaccredited online university. Because this would prevent him from meeting minimum standards for licensure, he’s practicing under a license reflecting his master’s-level training. Again, this may be nothing to worry about. But some people may wish to ask potential providers about certifications before choosing to receive services from them.

Be aware that it’s perfectly reasonably to ask any potential providers about their training, clinical background, experience, and license. By doing so, you are being an informed and conscientious consumer of mental health services. Wise clinicians will encourage this type of consumer advocacy and gladly answer your questions. We want to help you find the best provider for your needs. We know a good fit is a critical element in successful therapy outcomes.

Best of luck in your search!

* Editor’s Note: The above list is not, nor is it meant to be, an exhaustive list of all mental health credentials and degrees. Credentials, degrees, and licensing requirements can vary from state to state and country to country. On September 17, 2014, the GoodTherapy.org editorial team edited the above list to include LCSW, which was not included in the author’s original list.

Power, the ability to have an effect or to have influence, is our birthright. We all have power and need it to survive, to have relationships, and to be productive. Think how much power a baby has when he or she cries or laughs.

Our lives are full of relationships where there are power differences, and we all move back and forth between being in what I call “up-power” and “down-power” roles. For example, there is a power differential between a CEO and the employees, a doctor and the patients, a clergyperson and the parishioners, a teacher and the students. Both sets of people in these relationships have their personal power, but the person in the up-power role has the additional power that accompanies his/her assigned, elected, or earned role. A therapist moves from up-power with a person in therapy to down-power with a supervisor. A CEO going to the dentist moves from up- to down-power. We make this shift more often than we notice.

Research (Google: Joris Lammers, power; Dacher Keltner, power paradox) is showing that people who have greater power act differently from people who have lesser power. Increased or decreased power has cognitive, behavioral, emotional, and somatic effects. “Good” people tend to have the idea that those who abuse their up-power do so because they are simply greedy, fearful, self-aggrandizing, or power-hungry. However, it turns out that the situation is more complicated. Power affects everyone, and unless it is understood and mediated, very often it results in abuses. In fact, the greater the power difference, the greater and more widespread the harm. The widely held idea (Lord Acton) that “power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely” is largely true.

There are two ways to respond to this information. The first is to decide that power is bad; therefore, if you don’t want to cause harm, don’t have power, or if you have it, pretend you don’t. A teacher tries to be “just friends” with her students. A committee chair gives a committee member too many chances to get something done. A therapist fails to assess the effectiveness of the therapeutic process. A CEO doesn’t hold the employees accountable.

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The second way is to learn about the effects of power so that you can notice and mediate them by using or responding to positional power with wisdom and skill, whether you are up-power or down-power.

So, what are these effects, and what kind of self-reinforcing loop do these effects create?

1. Social distance. This stance allows people, especially those in up-power positions, to see the whole project or situation and to make good and often tough global decisions knowing they can’t please everyone. The shadow impacts of social distance, however, are many and harmful. Those with greater power can and are likely to dehumanize those down-power to them by seeing them as objects that are expendable and can be manipulated and exploited. In doing so, those up-power persons become less empathic, less interdependent, and less collaborative.
2. Freedom to act without interference. This effect causes those with greater power to be impulsive, unconstrained, inappropriate with touch, more aggressive, less vigilant, and less aware of their impact. They ignore, fail to respond to, or punish those who offer negative feedback.
3. Moral hypocrisy. Increased power causes leaders to have stricter standards for others than for themselves and to stick to the rules regardless of whether they have negative or positive impacts. They also shift the blame for their mistakes and misuses of power onto others with lower power.
4. Approach orientation. Up-power individuals take actions that prioritize their needs and act freely on their whims. Those with lower power have an avoidance orientation. They take actions aimed at avoiding punishment or loss and at placating the leader.
5. Role identification. Leaders tend to identify with their increased power as if it were their personal power rather than added-on role power that comes with responsibilities for care and effectiveness. Such a misunderstanding of who they truly are results in a deep disconnection from empathic, respectful, and sustainable relationships.

Not surprisingly, the attitudes and behaviors resulting from the effects of greater power create a self-reinforcing loop of exploitation and abuse. Those in down-power roles, by becoming more and more vulnerable and disempowered, are led to focus on being more passive and avoidant or, on the other hand, more resistant and provocative. They disown their personal power, or they become lightning rods by taking actions against misuses of power that can cost them their jobs or their integrity. Read the paper or look at the news and you can see this destructive and harmful loop on a global scale. Look inside most organizations, even small ones, and you will likely find some version of these shadow impacts of power, even on people with good intentions.

The horrific way that power’s shadow plays itself out in the world would have those who want to be helpful and leave the world a better place running away from power. However, as much as anything else, we need people who say yes to their role power and learn to use it wisely and well. Accepting leadership and role power is not for the faint of heart. Doing so takes courage and skill.

Here’s the good news. By understanding these normal effects of power, we can bring them out of the shadows and into the light. When we shine a light on them, we can choose to take action to mediate or decrease the negative impacts. Taking such action is important for leaders, because those who have up-power roles have much greater responsibility for the health of their differentiated power relationships. It is also important for the many times we are in down-power roles, since it is liberating and strategic to understand the shadow effects of increased power.

We thus have the stunning opportunity to change Lord Acton’s insight from power always corrupts to power can corrupt. Understanding, vigilance, and skill can prevent power differences from becoming abusive and keep relationships healthy.

The best antidote for the negative impacts of power is staying in or returning to right relationship. My experience is that right relationship has two aspects. Both have to do with empathy. One is staying in empathic connection with the people who are in down-power roles. The other is having and maintaining a vision or mission that is larger than egotistic self-interest, fear, and the need for control. This vision is driven by compassion for being in right relationship with society.

Here are a few stories of leaders staying connected with—or in one case disconnected from—their hearts.

Miley Cyrus, in an interview, talked about her newfound awareness that she has a lot of power and influence and that she can choose how to use it: “I didn’t realize my power. … Wherever I go everybody’s sitting there talking about me. … And I thought … instead of using it as a negative, how can I use it as a positive? If I’m going to be speaking this loud, what am I trying to scream at the world? … It’s kind of a wake-up.” Miley is now launching a campaign to urge her fans to donate to a center for homeless youth (“People in the News,” Boulder Daily Camera: 8/26/14).

Livingston Armytage works as a consultant to large organizations such as the World Bank. He has a lot of positional power that could easily keep him far away from the daily lives of the people his work affects. He and his wife Miyako keep in touch with these people by finding ways that they can develop a personal relationship with children they meet in their work and travels. They foster and support children, preferably girls, to attend school and university in countries such as Nepal and Cambodia.

One hundred fifty years ago, the Colorado militia spent a month looking for Arapahoe Indians on the warpath. They didn’t find any. The commanding officer was convinced that the Indians were armed and dangerous. A lone Arapahoe carrying a white flag and bearing a letter from the chiefs asking for peace came to the fort. A captain let him in and questioned him. “Weren’t you afraid you would be killed?” the captain asked. “I knew I would be killed,” the messenger responded, “but white people always look in our pockets, and my message of peace was more important than my life.” The captain was so moved by the man’s courage and dedication to peace that he changed his mind about Indians and did all he could to convince his commander to call off the hunt.

The commanding officer exhibited behaviors described above as the shadow effects of power. He had dehumanized the Indians, he was driven by his selfish desire to win an upcoming election to the Senate, he knew he could act without interference, and so he engaged in moral hypocrisy by demanding that only the Indians be unarmed in encounters. Experiencing the courage of one Indian brought the captain back into a relationship that changed his heart, his convictions, and his actions. It is a great tragedy that his influence didn’t change the outcome of the egregious Sand Creek Massacre, in which several hundred unarmed Indian men, women, and children were killed and mutilated.

I remember that just before he took office, President Obama talked about what he would miss most. What he was most worried about was that he would no longer be able to walk into a coffee shop, sit down, and talk with the people there. He was aware that the huge power difference that goes with the office of the president would automatically distance him from ordinary citizens and keep him surrounded by people who would feed him particular or well-funded points of view or by those who did not want to risk their status by giving him critical feedback. What a challenge to be able to take the pulse of reality!

Even leaders known for their good works, such as Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Mikhail Gorbachev, struggled with shadow and limitations. Working with power compassionately and skillfully is personally challenging. However, understanding and mediating the shadow effects of power by staying in touch with our greater vision, and with our connectedness with the humanity and dignity of those in our care, will have ever-expanding benefits.

The shadow effects pull us as leaders away from being in right relationships. Right relationships are those in which we hold our role power with responsibility, clarity, accountability, and authority. We also maintain our power with heart through empathy, compassion, nondefensiveness, collaboration, and humility. The formula might be standing in our strength while staying in our hearts.

Going through a breakup is one of the most difficult experiences we can have. Heartache, grief, and confusion, mixed with feelings of powerlessness or even betrayal, can bring out the crazies in all of us. It can be hard to focus and function, making daily life overwhelming.

If you are going through a breakup, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been through it and I know how overwhelming it feels.

Here are my five top tips for moving on:

1. Cease ALL Contact

One of the biggest mistakes people make is fooling themselves into believing they can still be friends with their ex—right away. It may be possible down the road, but in order to get over someone, it’s best not to see them, speak to them, or know anything of them for a long time. You can’t simply switch off your romantic feelings toward someone and view them in a platonic or neutral way overnight. Continuing to stay in contact prolongs pain by allowing you to be hopeful. And having hope for reconciliation keeps you stuck in the transition and won’t allow you to get past the pain.

Zero contact means the obvious: no texting, talking, or getting together. But it also includes the covert: voyeurism and cyber-stalking, positioning yourself to “bump into” your ex by hanging out in places they go, communicating with his/her friends, or fabricating reasons to see each other, such as returning a toothbrush. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

2. Remember You ARE Lovable

We tend to bash ourselves after a breakup. We think of everything we believe we did wrong to drive the ex away, reminding ourselves of all our regrettable actions. We inflate our flaws and tell ourselves we aren’t good enough for the ex. This makes us feel unlovable and that we are somehow excluded or disqualified from winning in love.

It may be true that you tend toward a specific behavior that is not so appealing and it could have become the deal-breaker for the relationship—but even if that is the case, your behavior is not you and it is something you can change. YOU are still lovable. And the right person for you will appreciate all that you are.

3. Focus on the Big Picture

So often when someone breaks up with us, we tend to focus on all the positive things about the person and the relationship. This makes us pine for them even more, and we long to be with them for all those amazing qualities and times we had together. We relive the happy times and focus so vividly on the wonderful qualities of our ex.

If you allow yourself to step back, you will be able to see the whole picture. There were problems or unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, parts of your ex you didn’t like, and unpleasant feelings you had that you ignored. When you find yourself focusing on the wonderful parts, you will feel distraught, but if you shift your focus to include the unpleasant truths of your ex and the relationship, your emotional state will respond accordingly.

To solidify this, write a list of all the negative qualities of your ex, the parts of the dynamic you didn’t like, and how you often felt in the relationship. This is to help ground you in reality and not remain starry- eyed. You will soon come to understand that your ex did you a huge favor!

4. Look for the Lessons

When a relationship ends, people tend to get stuck in the idea that they wasted time. This kind of thinking puts us in a victim position, which can feel extremely powerless.

As tough as it can be to look within right now, it will help more than you can imagine if you are able to reflect on yourself in the relationship. If your ex is at fault or to blame for the relationship going wrong or ending, then you have no control in this situation and it will absolutely feel like a waste of time.

Dig in! Really try to take responsibility where you can, without condemning yourself, of course. If you can own up to your contributions that caused the relationship to sour, you will be able to learn the lessons this relationship was meant to teach you. And though it is a hard lesson to come by, it means you didn’t waste time at all. You will be more prepared and whole going into your next relationship, and both of you will benefit from those hard-earned growing pains.

If you take the time to write your findings, you may actually see a pattern emerge. You may come to see that your role in this current relationship looked very similar to previous relationships as well. Allowing yourself to see patterns of behavior means you can finally be clear about how to be healthier in the future.

5. Take Care of Yourself

If taking care of yourself means reaching out to friends or family, then do it now! You may tend to isolate when going through a tough time, so staying connected to your staunch supporters is vital to your recovery. They know you may not be great company right now, and that is OK.

On the other hand, if you tend to avoid your sadness by being social, drinking too much, or working a lot, you may need to provide yourself some downtime. Time alone to fall apart and grieve will help you move through this time quicker.

Make sure you are eating well, getting enough water, sleep, and exercise, and continue engaging in the activities that bring you pleasure. It may be tempting to forego all of that in self-punishment or self-pity, but it will truly only make you feel worse.

The quickest way to the other side of a long, dark, and scary tunnel is straight through. Embrace your reality, feel the feelings (you won’t melt), fall apart, and be a mess. Such a response is natural and congruent to the situation you are in right now. If you didn’t have these feelings, I would say you didn’t much care for the ex or the relationship.

If you feel yourself trying to take the long way around the tunnel to avoid feeling the feelings, please know that it will prolong your pain and you may get stuck. You can’t drink, eat, shop, exercise, or party your way around this pain, and if you try, you may just end up with another problem on your hands.

Please know:

You will feel happy again.

These unpleasant feelings will pass.

You will experience love and connection again if you remain open.

You are worthy and deserving of love.

With compassion,

Hilary