Several minutes after I had asked my husband to skip the gym so we could go straight to a “Fall Fun Festival,” I could tell something wasn’t right. His answers to my questions were monosyllabic and devoid of warmth. I was frustrated that going to the gym was more important to him than spending time with me. “Are you mad at me?” I asked, feeling confused and annoyed. He said, “No, it’s fine,” and walked out the door to run some errands.

For a long time, a lot of our arguments looked this way—me probing for how he was feeling without revealing anything about my own emotional experience. Often, my husband would shut down even more after I asked him this question and our arguments stalled as I fumed and waited for him to own his feelings. I know he’s mad, but he’s not TELLING me he’s mad. This is CLEARLY all his fault. Why can’t he tell me how he feels?

There’s nothing wrong with checking in on how your partner is feeling (“What’s going on for you right now? You look angry”). The problem with asking your partner if he or she is mad at you is it sends the message that (1) his or her emotional experience is the only one that’s responsible for whatever issue has arisen, and that (2) if he or she is not mad at you, there is no point to further discussion. It also allows the questioner to avoid owning his or her own feelings.

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Ultimately, whether your partner shares his or her emotional experience with you is up to your partner. Many people struggle to put words to their feelings for a variety of valid and sometimes painful reasons. However, if you find yourself constantly wondering how your partner is feeling in tense moments, you may want to try some of the following suggestions:

1. Acknowledge that people process emotions in different ways and at different speeds. While one partner may want to talk things out immediately, another might need more time. Both ways of coping are valid. Sometimes, the best time to talk about emotions is after the intensity of the moment has passed.
2. Check in with yourself about how you’re feeling in the moment. Do you feel distant from your partner? Confused? Alone? Sad? Do you feel increasingly angry or annoyed the more distant and alone you feel? By sharing these feelings with your partner, you can increase his or her sense of safety by showing that you are open to also being vulnerable and honest with your feelings. You can also work together to understand what’s going on between the two of you. Maybe your partner isn’t mad at you and is actually exhausted, stressed, or was reminded of something else he or she is angry about. Either way, telling your partner you feel distant lets him or her realize how his or her own mood is impacting you and the relationship. This is much more productive than accusing your partner of having a feeling he or she may or may not be having.
3. Assume your partner’s feelings and reactions make sense and approach the situation from a place of curiosity. The idea here is to better understand and connect to your partner.

It took a long time for me to find the words to say, “Hey, I’m feeling really distant from you right now. It’s a lonely, sad way to feel, and the more distant I feel, the more I start to feel angry.” It feels risky and vulnerable to approach someone when it seems like he or she is avoiding you, but the potential payoff for vulnerability is connection. I found when I approached how I felt, my partner was much more likely to meet me with his own emotional experience—whether he was actually angry at me or feeling a variety of other ways.

If you need help communicating your feelings, contact a qualified therapist.

One of the most difficult issues I see today for parents is sexting—the sending of sexually explicit messages, pictures, or videos via text message. Texting in general has only existed for the past 15 to 20 years, and because it is still so new, parents usually don’t have a reference for it from their own childhoods.

Children are using devices more than ever to connect with one another. Some studies indicate that almost 80% of adolescents ages 12 to 17 own a cell phone, and almost 50% own a smartphone. Many of the apps that children use to communicate are rapidly changing and unfamiliar to adults. The lack of familiarity can create a sense of helplessness for many parents, which may make this issue a particularly difficult and scary one. To help with this, I’ve created a guide to hopefully make the issue of sexting less overwhelming for parents.

Understanding the Risks

To begin with, one should consider why children sext. Studies show most children say sexual messages are initially sent as a sign of love. For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush. Sometimes peer pressure plays a role, as children are pressured into sending a message they are not completely comfortable with.

The risk of sending a sexual message is that once it goes out, the sender has little to no control over who sees it. In 2009, there was a case in Pennsylvania in which a high school girl’s phone was confiscated by a teacher who found semi-nude photos stored in the phone and turned it over to authorities.

[fat_widget_right]Instances such as this teach us that even if a message is intended to be private, there is no guarantee it will stay that way. Children and teens should understand that anything they send into the digital world—a text, a message on social media, or even an email—might be seen by others. Teaching children about the risks also sends the message that the adults in their lives are available and willing to help.

Here are five steps parents can take when dealing with children or teens who are sexting.

1. Acknowledge Difficult Feelings

I think it is completely understandable and natural for parents to be deeply disturbed when their children send these types of messages, and acknowledging these feelings is often a good place to start. At times, the anxiety around this issue can become so overwhelming that it is difficult to see any ways to help. I encourage parents to discuss their children’s use of technology and the feelings surrounding it. Therapy can also provide an outlet to process some of the difficult reactions this issue brings up.

2. Recognize Core Issues Have Not Changed

Once parents have processed their initial reactions, I encourage them to try to see these messages as an expression of feelings that function similar to love letters from earlier times. As discussed earlier, the factors that generally cause adolescents to sext—teenagers in relationships, seeking approval from peers, and peer pressure—are hardly new. Most parents have vivid memories of grappling with these issues as adolescents, and recognizing those reference points can be empowering. This can help parents to relate more to their children and make the issue less foreign.

3. Realize What Will Not Solve the Problem

It is important to remember that children often get a lot of benefits from connecting with peers through their devices. These connections serve an important developmental purpose, and simply taking away a child’s phone or shutting down their social media accounts often does more harm than good. Children are surprisingly adept at getting around these types of limitations as well. Don’t assume the problem is fixed by trying to restrict their communication avenues.

4. Help Children Process Feelings

For many teenagers, sexting can act as a courtship and even as a replacement for sex itself. These messages can be a way to express and gain admiration from a crush.While children are well versed in technology, they often lack the emotional maturity to process the potentially negative things that can happen in the digital world. This is an area where parents can be enormously helpful. I encourage parents to make themselves available to process the difficult feelings and reactions their children have related to their online experience. The more children perceive their parents as available to talk about these feelings with them, the more resilient they will be when they are exposed to something negative.

5. Encourage Other Avenues of Self-Expression

The last step is to help children find other avenues to connect with their peers. Steering a child toward a club, activity, or sport enables them to connect with friends, and freeing up time in their schedule to spend with kids their age may make them less likely to seek connections online. The more children are allowed to connect to others face to face, the less likely they will be to try and fill a void in the digital world.

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Because technology has changed so dramatically in the past several years, parents and children are at risk of becoming disconnected. If parents are able to reflect on this issue, understand the reasons their children use devices, and come to see how children may be struggling with many of the issues their parents dealt with in childhood, they may be able to help their children find healthier and more productive ways of meeting their emotional needs.

References:

1. A common sense research study. (2011).  Zero to eight: Children’s media use in America. Retrieved from https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/zero-to-eight-childrens-media-use-in-america
2. Guzzardo, J. (2010). School violated student’s privacy in ‘sexting’ case, lawsuit says. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/05/21/pennsylvania.racy.photos
3. Rosin, H. (2014). Why kids sext. Fresh Air Podcast.  Retrieved from http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2014/10/15/356393531/why-kids-sext-describes-nude-photos-as-social-currency-among-teens
4. Teens and technology. (2013, March 13). Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/files/old-media/Files/Reports/2013/PIP_TeensandTechnology2013.pdf

Sensitivity is often referred to in a negative context. Phrases such as “You’re too sensitive” can be commonplace when someone expresses strong emotions. Much of American society is not set up to honor the needs of highly sensitive people.

By definition, a highly sensitive person (HSP) is someone who has an innate high degree of sensory processing sensitivity and emotional intelligence. Studies show these people are naturally more sensitive to stimuli, whether it be loud noises, strong smells, or bright lights. They may startle easily, feel emotions strongly, and may be more affected by substances such as caffeine and alcohol.

Psychologist Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person, estimates that 15-20% of people are highly sensitive. Natural selection has continued this trait, as there can be many advantages to heightened sensitivity. Highly sensitive people might be different from the general population, but they are different in a way that could be useful—and perhaps crucial—to the function of society.

Here are eight traits HSPs typically have that could make the world a better place:

1. Awareness of Surroundings

Highly sensitive people have a high degree of sensory awareness. They are often first to spot an animal in the wild. Strong awareness and attunement to the natural environment can be beneficial when it comes to recognizing threats and avoiding dangerous situations.

[fat_widget_right]They are also keenly aware of how environment impacts mood and are skilled at knowing what it takes to create a pleasant environment. An office worker may feel agitated upon arriving to work every day but fail to recognize how a messy cubicle may be contributing to his or her emotional well-being. An HSP could walk into the room and immediately recognize the ill effect of the disordered stack of papers piled on the desk.

“Highly sensitive people are very aware of stimulants in their environment,” said Vicki Botnick, MA, MS, LMFT, marriage and family therapist. “It’s as if they have finely tuned antennae that can pick up minute changes in sound, color, light, and other peoples’ moods. In addition, they can become even more vigilant to ward against the discomfort this sensitivity causes. If a simple doorbell sounds to you like a painfully loud gong, you’re going to be on the alert so you can avoid feeling overstimulated. A benefit of all this attunement is a greater understanding not only of the sensory world, but how other people might react to their surroundings.”

2. Creativity and Innovation

Highly sensitive people may be more stimulated by external stimuli, so when they turn their focus inward, their energy can be channeled creatively.

Many HSPs are visionaries and inventors. They have vivid imaginations with colorful imagery and rich sensory details.  Highly sensitive people are more likely to be right-brained dominant, meaning their thinking is less linear, which can make them more creative, intuitive, and curious. They may process information, experiences, and situations in a deeper, fuller way, making them more open to possibility and better able to connect the dots and find the missing pieces.

Creative people tend to think in more reflective and innovative ways than the general population, Botnick said.

“Highly sensitive people, who are taking in so much information and trying to make sense of it, often find they can capitalize on this perceptiveness by applying it artistically,” Botnick said. “By painting or writing, they can make use of their intellectual insights (the idea behind the work) while also combining them with their sensory insights (the look and feel of the work itself).”

3. Sense of Empathy and Compassion

Because HSPs are more keenly aware of emotions, they may be better able to sense what others are feeling and typically have more empathy, compassion, and genuine concern for others as a result.

They are typically more aware of nonverbal cues and can easily read others, picking up on subtle emotions that most people might miss. Many HSPs report experiencing another person’s emotions as if they were their own.

A 2014 study scanned the brains of self-reported HSPs to determine how they responded to the emotions of others. When researchers presented study participants with photos of people experiencing happy or sad emotions, they found that areas of the brain involved with awareness and empathetic feelings had greater blood flow in HSPs than in those without high sensitivity.

4. Strong Intuition

Highly sensitive people can be incredibly intuitive. They tend to be more connected with both the personal and collective unconsciousness, giving them access to information that doesn’t come through logic and reason. They are more in tune with their own nature as well as the subtle cues from their surroundings. They can easily sense what is going on beneath the surface and may have a strong knowledge about something without realizing how they received the insight.

Nancy Simon, LCSW, believes HSPs have a strong intuition because they can transcend left brain logic and reasoning easier than the average person.

“They are generally deeper thinkers and not afraid of exploring the unknown—probably due to trusting their intuition,” she said. “Their greater access to the right brain can block out unnecessary logic so they have more immediate access to their intuitive and gut instinct.”

5. Ability to Make Deeper Connections with Others and Themselves

Because they feel things on a deep level, HSPs usually crave meaningful connections. Their high levels of depth, empathy, and emotional intelligence make them excellent partners for those who can relate to and understand their emotional nature. Their profound self-awareness combined with the understanding of what drives others emotionally helps to create powerful, lasting relationships.

Their high level of self-awareness can also contribute to a stronger ability to recognize negative patterns deep within themselves. A 2015 study published in Personality and Individual Differences looked at 166 girls ages 11 and 12 experiencing depression. After presented with a 12-week class on reframing depressive thoughts, researchers found the girls with higher than average sensitivity were better able to internalize and apply the lessons, leading to a significant decrease in depression symptoms.

6. Ability to Notice Details and Subtleties  

Highly sensitive people might be different from the general population, but they are different in a way that could be useful—and perhaps crucial—to the function of society.Highly sensitive people typically have keen senses and rarely miss even the smallest of details. Heightened senses might amount to more vivid hues, stronger smells, louder sounds, subtler tastes, and more sensitive touch. Because everything is amplified, everything is noticed.

If someone makes even a small change to the environment, such as moving a vase from a table to a window, an HSP is usually the first to notice. They tend to process information more carefully and can easily spot changes as well as errors or mistakes. These skills can be beneficial in most aspects of life and are particularly useful in careers in which being detail oriented is a desired trait.

“People with high sensitivity are firing on all cylinders,” Botnick said. “They are often receptive not just in terms of the physical world, with its strong sounds, smells, and tastes, but in the world of the mind as well. A sensitive person is a hyper-aware person, who might notice subtleties that other people would miss, such as a small movement of someone’s mouth that might indicate anger or a below-the-radar shift in how a group of people are interacting.”

7. More Conscientious

Highly sensitive people are more likely to be self-reflective and think about the consequences of their actions. Due to their empathy and concern for others, they may also have a strong sense of justice and fairness. This can make them more conscientious than the average person, said Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC. They tend to be more considerate of others and typically strive to do what they think is right in every situation.

“For some HSPs, personal and cultural values are exceptionally important, and their feelings associated with their values are heightened,” Malonai said. “This makes for a conscientious person. Justice and fairness are often strongly valued by HSPs because they notice, and are keenly aware of, so much unfairness in the world.”

Because HSPs tend to have a strong sense of empathy, they often have a low tolerance for the pain of others, which can lead to a strong desire for justice in society, Botnick said.

“Seeing the world not in black-and-white certainties but in nuanced shades of gray, they may pull for the underdog, grasp the details of complicated cases, or feel their own moral scruples more deeply than others,” Botnick said.

8. Ability to Be Peacemakers

Because of their heightened sensitivity, HSPs tend to become anxious around conflict and prefer to avoid it if possible.

“I believe that conflict is challenging for them because anger, shaming, and blaming are harsh emotions that can easily overwhelm someone who already has such a tender system,” Simon said.

However, their strong empathy can also ensure they are better equipped at seeing the other person’s point of view. They are naturally more relationship oriented than agenda oriented, making them great mediators if they choose to be active peacemakers. If there is ever a conflict that can’t be settled, an HSP may be able to help establish peace.

“HSPs become highly trained in reading other people and are often eager to dispel any tensions that could cause themselves more stress,” Botnick said. “Because of this, they can also excel at soothing others—sometimes before the other person even knows they’re upset.”

Sensitivity can be an asset rather than a problem. Next time you find someone who you see as being “too sensitive,” remind yourself of the many gifts they can bring to the world.

References:

1. Acevedo, B. P., Aron, E. N., Aron, A., Sangster, M. D., Collins, N. and Brown, L. L. (2014), The highly sensitive brain: an fMRI study of sensory processing sensitivity and response to others’ emotions. Brain and Behavior, 4: 580–594. doi: 10.1002/brb3.242
2. Borchard, T. (2015, May 12). The perks of being a highly sensitive person. Everyday Health. Retrieved from http://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/therese-borchard-sanity-break/perks-of-being-highly-sensitive/?xid=y_sh
3. Campbell, S. (2015, April 23). 8 advantages highly sensitive people bring to business. Entrepreneur. Retrieved from http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245293
4. Holmes, L. (2015, June 10). How highly sensitive people interact with the world differently. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/09/highly-sensitive-person-behaviors_n_7543140.html
5. Pluess, M., & Boniwell, I. (2015). Sensory-processing sensitivity predicts treatment response to a school-based depression prevention program: Evidence of vantage sensitivity. Retrieved from http://www.philosonic.com/michaelpluess_construction/Files/Pluess_2015_Sensory-Processing Sensitivity predicts treatment response to a school-based depression prevention program – Evidence of Vantage Sensitivity.pdf
6. Wachter, A. (2014, November 12). Advantages of being highly sensitive. Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-wachter/advantages-of-being-highl_b_6141146.html

There is something special and unique about the relationship between a person in therapy and his or her therapist. It is a professional relationship, one in which the therapist is providing a service. However, it is also an intimate relationship, one in which secrets are shared, tears are shed, and moments of joy are celebrated. It is an open relationship in that, with consent, your therapist will communicate with other health professionals on your behalf. But it is also a very private relationship, as your confidentiality is held sacred.

A bond and trust are formed in therapy, yet the therapeutic relationship is a bit one-sided; while your therapist learns a great deal about you, he or she is less likely to engage in reciprocal sharing. This is different from a friendship, in which both parties mutually share who they are.

The complexities of the therapeutic relationship are distinct from other relationships, but it is these same complexities that make psychotherapy work. For therapy to be successful, your therapist must maintain healthy boundaries in the relationship and cannot develop a friendship with you.

Because of this, it could seem like your therapist is being fake or disingenuous with you. There have been multiple occasions in which a person in therapy has stated to me, “You don’t care about me, you are only here because this is your job.” It is true that your therapist is doing a job, but this does not mean he or she does not care about you. I rather like and enjoy the people I help. I have had the pleasure of meeting funny, intelligent, successful, and down-to-earth women and men who, had we met outside of therapy, likely would have made good friends. But for therapy to do what it’s supposed to do, your therapist simply can’t be your friend.

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One of the first rules therapists learn is they cannot provide therapy to friends or family. It is too challenging to remain unbiased in friend and family relationships, which is why many people have great difficulty staying objective when it comes to those closest to them. Your therapist developing a friendship with you would ultimately serve to interfere with your therapeutic relationship. Additionally, therapists who become over-involved in the lives of those they help experience higher rates of burnout and decreased efficiency.

This does not mean a deep connection isn’t developed between you and your therapist. Authenticity, warmth, and support are desirable characteristics for any therapeutic relationship. In fact, the relationship between you and your therapist is one of the most important factors in creating a successful therapy experience. The better the fit between you and your therapist, the more likely you are to reach your therapy goals. It just so happens that the relationship remains safely protected from a level of personal involvement that would distract from your therapy goals and success.

Admittedly, it’s odd to share great detail about your life and get little in return from the other person. Fortunately, your therapist (hopefully) is not robotic or an emotionless blank slate. Although you do not have a friendship with your therapist, he or she does not have to be a mystery to you.

This is also not to say you cannot have a friendly relationship with your therapist outside of counseling. Your therapist is unlikely to accept your social media requests or attend social functions you invite them to; however, there are many cases where therapists and the people they help have more than one relationship. For example, a therapist working at a college counseling center could be an adviser for a campus organization in which a person they help is a member. Or a therapist and person in therapy could attend the same church and see one another at church functions. But even though friendly exchanges occur, your therapist is still operating within boundaries to protect your confidentiality and maintain the therapeutic relationship.

Admittedly, it’s odd to share great detail about your life and get little in return from the other person. Fortunately, your therapist (hopefully) is not robotic or an emotionless blank slate. Although you do not have a friendship with your therapist, he or she does not have to be a mystery to you.

As mentioned earlier, your relationship with your therapist is a predictor of therapy’s success; therefore, you and your therapist need to be a good fit. When appropriate, your therapist can voluntarily share personal information, but it is also fair to ask your therapist certain questions. You can ask professional questions about your therapist’s educational background or style of therapy. You can ask personal questions that seem relevant to you. Your therapist has the right to decline to answer any question. There are times when I refrain from answering questions if I believe that, regardless of my response, any answer I give will have some sort of unnecessary impact on the relationship. But often I answer personal questions, as they are not generally meant to be invasive—people are just curious about people sitting across from them.

Curiosity, about ourselves and about our relationships with others, is an important element of therapy. Honoring that curiosity is a good thing. Your therapist is there to help guide that curiosity where it is most needed. So, while you and your therapist can’t be friends, you can be part of a rewarding relationship!

In the 21^st century, as mindfulness-based practices become more mainstream, our society and psychotherapeutic community may be more willing to accept that Buddhism could be a valid psychological approach to reducing human suffering. —Danielle A. Einstein (2007)

In some ways, mindfulness is to Buddhism as worshiping is to religion. Mindfulness is a mental practice that is one core feature within a scaffolding of knowledge, tradition, and awakening. Now removed from its casing, mindfulness practices such as meditation are rigorously operationalized for psychotherapeutic purposes, including research designs. This detached arm of Buddhism has come alive in the West to gain size and strength despite the secular environment. Imagine if the “auditing” process in Scientology was an evidenced-based practice for relieving psychological distress. It is hard to imagine detaching such a practice from its larger cultural understanding and history.

There is an interesting emergence of Buddhist practices in psychotherapy as well as subtle distinction between religion and therapeutic models. The concept of religion relates to a social group’s preferred lifestyle, set of values, and interests, as well as committed practices, principles, and experiences (Mohr, 2011). To act “religiously” is to consciously and methodically conduct oneself in an activity, behavior, or ideology. A modern, magnified version of spirituality now includes positive psychology, whereby one searches for meaning, connection, and other secular hopes of universal inclusion (2011).

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“Mindfulness” has become a stand-alone contemporary practice for focus, affect regulation, and stress management. Mindfulness techniques have been incorporated into psychotherapy practices that, as a result, have taken on religious forms. The fat of the pre-modern (500 B.C.) tradition of Buddhism has been trimmed, and the leaner version (i.e., mindfulness) has migrated from desolate monasteries into empirical research and pop-psychology vernacular. Questions arise: Are the new-age psychotherapy practices religious? When teaching and conducting mindfulness-based practices, is it possible to parcel out the roots, allegiance, and ideology of its origin?

‘Third-Wave’ Therapies and Mindfulness

Mindfulness and other contemplative practices extracted from Buddhism are implanted in several evidence-based, cognitive behavioral practices. Mainstream cognitive behavioral-based therapies have evolved (called the “third wave”) to include mindfulness components. Despite secular efforts aimed to separate mindfulness from Buddhism, when examined closely, religious components are implicit to mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR), mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MCBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006). Much like a car’s side mirror, these are closer to religious belief systems and religious practices than they may appear.

The conceptual scaffolding of Kabat-Zinn’s MBSR stems from Theravada Buddhism (Einstein, 2007). The fundamental attitudes are acclimated practices of Buddhist awakening systems and reference the Four Noble Truths. For psychotherapy purposes, MBCT adds the empirical practices of cognitive behavioral therapy (often in group formats) to the MBSR program. Buddhism and MBCT join at the concept of “meta-cognitive insight.” Instead of viewing thoughts as an experiential reality, meta-cognitive insight notices thoughts just as thoughts, with a focus on the individual’s relationship with the thoughts (i.e., not the content).

The structural basis of ACT is relational frame theory (RFT), which is a behavioral explanation of human language and cognition. RFT is applied broadly, so it can be used to understand social processes including religion and spirituality (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006). Interventions derived from RFT and used in ACT approach religious values and practices. In the ACT model, one aim is for the client’s willingness “to clarify life values; and to behave in accord with chosen values through behavioral commitment strategies” (Hayes, 2002).

A significant commonality between ACT and other spiritual traditions (e.g., Buddhism) is the rationale that all humans experience inescapable suffering and the specific role of attachment, mindfulness, valued actions, and issues surrounding self (Andersson & Asmundson, 2006, and Hayes, 2002). Both ACT and Buddhism note the inherent problem of viewing and attaching to this unwavering “self” as something that can be managed with mindfulness practices (2002). For example, a belief that “I am depressed” or “I am a bad person” is a belief one attaches to, which perpetuates further anxiety or suffering. Mindfulness can elicit awareness and acceptance of this process of identification by allowing the person to step back from the internal experience (Sparks, 2015).

Much of psychotherapy is a movement out of a negative state and into a desired, often positive direction. In ACT, the goal is to feel emotions in the context of living a valuable life, while resisting avoidance tactics (Hayes, 2002). There is only a subtle behavioral difference between Buddhist mindfulness practices and ACT, in that the former accepts or actively sits with the thoughts, while the latter focuses on changing the thoughts that get in the way of progress (2002).

Zen Buddhism inspired aspects of DBT, along with behavioral science and dialectical philosophy. The concepts of being whole, interconnected, and amenable to change are central to the dialectical view of the world (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). Buddhist dialect uses matching concepts: embodiment, interdependence, or co-arising and impermanence (Einstein, 2007). Zen Buddhism and DBT both focus on the here and now with radical acceptance and letting go of ego. People who use DBT are committed to developing a stable lifestyle (e.g., not engaging in self-harm or suicide) with nonjudgmental awareness and acceptance to reality (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014).

The fat of the pre-modern (500 B.C.) tradition of Buddhism has been trimmed, and the leaner version (i.e., mindfulness) has migrated from desolate monasteries into empirical research and pop-psychology vernacular. Questions arise: Are the new-age psychotherapy practices religious? When teaching and conducting mindfulness-based practices, is it possible to parcel out the roots, allegiance, and ideology of its origin?

The structure of the DBT model from the perspective of clinicians mirrors the subtle paternalism occupied within DBT practice. Therapists are required to be part of a consultation team and/or a group with an almost dogmatic commitment to a list of rules (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). They must use compassion, properly assess problems before giving feedback, exercise assertiveness, emotionally repair with the team, as well as make agreements (e.g., no absolute truth, accept change as natural, empathic interpretations, fallibility). The guidelines are very reasonable and necessary for therapeutic alliance, but the process has an ideological structure one also finds within religious institutions.

In terms of beliefs, a DBT therapist must have a “willingness to believe in the client’s ability to change” (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014, p. 429) and to use “irreverent communication,” offer “cheerleading,” as well as prescribe “punishments,” such as “vacations from therapy” (p. 437). Is this a conducted activity, behavior, and/or ideology that is conscious and methodic?

Hayes (2002) described Buddhism as the inclusion of “traditions of faith, ritual, practice, and community that are designed to support mindfulness and wholesome actions, and short of becoming a religion, no system of psychotherapy will include all of these elements” (p.65). Perhaps DBT merely falls short in the category of faith.

DBT therapists also use traditional metaphors, parable, and myth with people. They will at times “play devil’s advocate” in a practice called “extending” (Neacsiu & Linehan, 2014). In Zen Buddhism, to reduce dominate meaning of events, “koans” or stories are often “presented as verbal puzzles” as a provocation for questioning principles of reality through meditation (Hayes, 2002, and Fischer, 2013). The dialectic approach activates “What is being left out here?” while Zen koans, similarly, unearth “what is there when the puzzle is no more” (2002, p. 64). Both DBT and Buddhism aim for the individual to let go of their patterns of reactivity to relieve suffering (or in Buddhism, “dukkha”) (Einstein, 2007).

Applicability to Therapy Techniques

When applied to psychotherapy techniques, the separation of mindfulness practices from the origin—Buddhism—initially resulted in a secularization (2007). The cultural taboo of speaking about religion need not apply to “mindfulness” if it is a culturally accepted, therapeutic tool. Neuroscientist and mindfulness proponent Richard Davidson dedicated a chapter in his book, The Emotional Life of the Brain, to this process. He writes about keeping his meditation practice a secret based on perceived stigma or misunderstanding by colleagues. He speaks topically to the idea of spirituality and Buddhism, but there is no explicit mention of an affiliation with Buddhism.

The increasing segregation or nonconformity of “mindfulness” from Buddhism has actually created an independent spiritual practice (i.e., within modernity) that is being measured scientifically. This is akin to the obstinate historical nature of atheism against—largely—monotheistic religions. Although seemingly isolating, the active disbelief in God created a scientific movement (e.g., led by Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennett). The degree of this conscious extension of nonconformity essentially created a religion according to this article’s conceptualization (i.e., methodic and behavioral group ideology).

Buddhism is actually counter to our modern, Western culture. “Mindfulness” is a lighter version with more individualistic aspects (e.g., self-improvement, stress reduction). Buddhism is a radical, pre-modern tradition born within a society that emphasizes the collective “we” versus “I”. For individuals to learn mindfulness apart from Buddhist tradition and precepts is as arbitrary as the isolation of genuflecting prayer (e.g., Christianity) or “auditing” (i.e., Scientology) to use as singular tools for eradicating suffering. The dialectical question for contemporary mindfulness practice becomes: what are we leaving out?

References:

1. Andersson, G., & Asmundson, G. (2006). CBT and Religion. Editorial. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (35): 1.
2. Castillo, R. (1997). Culture & Mental Illness: A Client-Centered Approach. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company.
3. Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live—And How You Can Change Them. Hudson Street Press.
4. Einstein, D. A. (2007). Innovations and Advances in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Huxter, M.J.: Chapter 4 Mindfulness as Therapy from a Buddhist Perspective. Australian Academic Press.
5. Fischer, N. (2013). Training in Compassion: Zen Teachings on the Practice of Lojong. Shambhala Publications.
6. Frankl, V. (1959). Man’s Search for Meaning.
7. Germer, C.K. (2005). Mindfulness: What is it? What does it matter? In C.K. Germer, R.D. Siegel, & P.R. Fulton (Eds.), Mindfulness and Psychotherapy (pp. 3-27). New York: The Guilford Press.
8. Hayes, S. C. (2002). Buddhism and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice: 9, 58-66.
9. Mohr, S. (2011). Integration of Spirituality and Religion in the Care of Patients with Severe Mental Disorders. Religions (2): 549-565.
10. Neacsiu, A. D., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. In: D.H. Barlow (ed.) Clinical Handbook of Psychological Disorders. Fifth Edition. New York: The Guildford Press 394-461.
11. Sparks, F. “Using Mindfulness in Your Practice: Wisdom and Compassion in Counseling and Coaching.” University of Wisconsin Continuing Studies Workshop. March 10-11, 2015. Madison, Wisconsin.

You’re strong. You’re thick-skinned. You don’t take it personally when someone vents emotional distress on you.

These are admirable, useful qualities. Having thick skin makes it easier for people to be themselves with you, and for you to be with other people. It allows you to hear the message beneath the emotion, protecting you from the outburst. If you didn’t have thick skin, you could be emotionally overwhelmed or your ego could be crushed by the anger or criticism of others.

But everything has two sides. The potential negative side of being thick-skinned is being too permissive and accepting verbal abuse. The worst-case scenario is your thick skin keeps you in relationships that devolve into physical abuse. It’s important to consider when a strength has become a weakness.

Here are some questions worth asking when you feel your thick skin being tested:

1. Is the person displacing anger on you? An example of displacement is when a person is angry at a coworker but yells at the dog. It usually occurs when people can’t express anger at the person or entity they’re actually angry at: a boss, a parent, an unjust society. It happens sometimes, but if it happens often, you may have become the dumping ground for another person’s anger.
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2. Is the person’s expression of anger or criticism an attempt to repair a problem? Anger can alert us to the fact we’re unhappy about something. An expression of these feelings can be an attempt to improve your relationship. When a person’s expression of anger or criticism is controlled and respectful and the goal is improvement, a thick skin is valuable in helping you remain open to hearing what the other person is trying to communicate.
3. Is the person’s anger or criticism an attempt to hurt you? Instead of trying to improve the relationship, sometimes the goal is to hurt you. It’s never OK for someone to try to hurt you. Your thick skin could be detrimental if it allows you to ignore hurtful behavior.
4. Is the anger mild or high intensity? The intensity of anger runs on a spectrum from calm, respectful communication to red-faced shouting that is disrespectful and threatening. Your strength is a weakness if it’s allowing you to tolerate dangerous and disrespectful outbursts.
5. Is this anger coming at me typical behavior for this relationship or is it a rare outburst? If hostility toward you is typical and frequent for your relationship, your tolerance is too high. Even if you think you can take it, the anger and criticism can take a toll on your health and mental well-being. A high-intensity incident, even if rare, is cause for concern and shouldn’t be ignored.
6. Is the experience of tolerating other people’s anger isolated to one relationship or do you experience it in multiple relationships? If multiple people are getting upset with you about the same thing, then that could be an indication you have a problematic behavior you should confront. On the other hand, if multiple people—your boss, your neighbor, your friends—are all displacing their anger on you, then your thick skin may have unconsciously made you into a safe target for other people’s aggression.

The bottom line is other people shouldn’t hurt you. You might be able to take it, but maybe you shouldn’t.

This is a picture of a child experiencing selective mutism—children who speak to certain people in certain situations (most commonly immediate family members inside the home) but are otherwise silent.

For parents of children with selective mutism, life can be frustrating. They are often led down a path of incorrect diagnoses, including autism, language disorders, or oppositional defiant disorder. Some are given no diagnosis at all and are reassured by well-meaning doctors, teachers, family members, and friends that their child is “just shy” and “will grow out of it.”

The reality is that children with selective mutism do not grow out of the anxiety that prevents them from speaking. They are typically diagnosed between the ages of 3 and 6 and, without treatment, spend their childhood and adolescence struggling to answer teachers’ questions, talk to peers, and get help when they are hurt. This can sometimes result in academic underachievement, social isolation, and low self-esteem.

[fat_widget_right]The good news is that effective treatments for selective mutism exist. The first step is an assessment by a qualified psychologist or mental health practitioner. Learning more about the condition can also help improve the quality of life for both the child and parents. To help facilitate that important step, here are 10 dos and don’ts for parents of children with selective mutism:

1. DO Understand That Selective Mutism Is Not a ‘Choice’

When children do not speak despite having language skills at home, it can seem like an act of defiance. Children might act silly, become aggressive, growl, freeze, or appear to simply ignore whoever is speaking to them. It is important for parents to recognize that these behaviors are based in anxiety, not oppositionality.

2. DO Lay off the Questioning

For children with selective mutism, speaking is hard. When you see your child clamming up, lay off the questions. Pushing them to speak will only increase their anxiety and reduce the likelihood that they will be able to talk.

3. DO Describe and Praise Their Behaviors

When you see your child becoming anxious in a speaking situation, you can take the pressure off by simply describing what you see your child doing and praising their efforts to participate in activities, whether verbally or nonverbally.

4. DO Give Your Child Time to Speak

Often, adults ask children questions in a rapid-fire format with little breathing room in between. Children experiencing selective mutism often have a delay before speech, so always wait at least five seconds after you ask a child with selective mutism a question to give them a chance to answer.

5. DO Notice Your Own Reaction to Your Child’s Silence

When a parent sees their child freeze or hide when asked a question, it will likely be that parent’s natural, caring response to speak for the child. This may reduce both a parent and child’s anxiety, but it can also prevent the child from overcoming mutism.

6. DON’T Offer Rewards for Something Your Child Can’t Do

Since mutism is not a choice, but rather an inability to speak driven by anxiety, asking your child to speak in exchange for a reward is like offering your artistic spouse a million dollars to complete a calculus question. It comes from a place of kindness, but is rarely helpful.

7. DON’T Try to Understand the ‘Rules’ of a Child with Selective Mutism

Children with selective mutism may speak to one teacher but not the other, their grandmother but not their grandfather, one of four aunts, and so on. Children with selective mutism divide the world into those people, places, and activities in which they speak and those in which they do not. These boundaries are rigid, and trying to understand the why behind your child’s rules may only cause frustration.

8. DON’T Expect ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’

I applaud those parents who are unwilling to accept that their child should suffer in silence and encourage all parents to persevere in their search for treatment in the face of being repeatedly told, “Your child is just shy.”Courtesies such as please, thank you, hello, and goodbye may be some of the most difficult words a child with selective mutism will learn to say. Unfortunately, they are also the words parents often push for the hardest because they don’t want their child to be perceived as being rude. The reality is that these children are anxious, not rude, and most will grow up to be thoughtful, polite adults.

9. DON’T Criticize Your Child

This one seems obvious, but criticism can hide in seemingly innocuous phrases. “You spoke so well last week. What’s going on this week?” or “Look how your brother is talking, can you try to be like him?” may not sound overtly critical to parents, but are often experienced as critical by children.

10. DON’T Give Up

Many children with selective mutism never receive appropriate treatment. Many parents who seek help for their children report their own struggles with selective mutism throughout their lives. I applaud those parents who are unwilling to accept that their child should suffer in silence and encourage all parents to persevere in their search for treatment in the face of being repeatedly told, “Your child is just shy.”

Acknowledgement: Adapted from the work of Dr. Steven Kurtz.

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Selective mutism. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (pp. 195-197) (5^th). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
2. Stanley, C. (n.d.). The top ten myths about selective mutism. Selective Mutism Group. Retrieved from http://www.selectivemutism.org/resources/library/SM%20General%20Information/Top%20Ten%20Myths%20about%20SM.pdf

As a family therapist, I have helped families work with benign issues, such as a teens refusing to clean their rooms, as well as extreme ones, such as revelations of sexual abuse. One of the more frequent issues brought to my attention is a parent’s lack of ability to “control” a child and the consequent use of spanking to garner this control.

Spanking as a Matter of Culture

Having been forced to respond to this issue time and again, I have done a lot of research and thought a lot about it. Aside from the obvious ethical issue—namely my role as a mandated reporter—I have had to struggle with a practice steeped in the history of American culture. Corporal punishment, or the deliberate infliction of physical pain, has been part of our culture since our early days as a nation, even being used today in some school systems in America (19 states allow it).

[fat_widget_right]Does spanking work? Should we all be hitting our kids to develop a society of rule followers who respect authority? Well, think about it: Does being afraid of authority necessarily mean you respect it?

Fear vs. Respect

What I have seen throughout my time as a therapist is that fear doesn’t usually tend to lead to respect. In my work, often one or both parents believe they were kept in line as a child only through beating. When we examine this more closely, the parents openly recognize corporal punishment did not always promote adherence to the rules when they were kids; they simply became better at not being caught breaking the rules.

In my experience, corporal punishment (or spanking, whooping, hitting, beating, etc.) often promotes more aggressive behavior in the child at home and in school. The child who is punished with spanking is often left with few skills to cope when difficult situations and emotions arise, and they tend to repeat the modeled behavior of the parent by turning to physical aggression to solve problems.

An article in Monitor on Psychology, a publication of the American Psychological Association, examined spanking research conducted over the years. Several recent peer-reviewed studies indicate children who had been disciplined with corporal punishment were more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior toward friends and siblings. One study, published in 2011 in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect, looked at 100 families with children ages 3 to 7 and found in households where children were spanked, the kids were more likely to use violence to resolve conflicts with their siblings and friends. The article in Monitor also shared evidence that physical punishment may increase the risk for mental health issues for kids, including anxiety and depression.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.” These kids want to escape the relationship because they see the punishment as abuse.

How Can We Parent Our Kids Without Spanking?

The use of rewards and consequences can be one of the best ways to gain respect and control over children and teens’ behavior. Many caregivers try this and fail. In many cases, one parent didn’t maintain the rewards or consequences, or a partner undermined efforts. I often see parents who haven’t completely committed to the use of rewards and consequences, and instead of working on becoming more consistent, blame is put on the child.

To effectively administer a plan to discipline and encourage your children, there are a few steps to follow:

1. Make two separate lists: one of behaviors you want to promote and one of behaviors you want to work on decreasing. Examples of behaviors to increase include taking out the trash, cleaning the bedroom, and completing homework. Behaviors to decrease could include being impolite, hitting, and fighting. Each child is different, and a plan has to be tailored to the needs of your family.
2. Think about appropriate rewards and consequences for each behavior. Parents can come up with many rewards that don’t cost a thing and may improve relationships in the family. Examples of rewards are: playing a game with your child, taking your child to the park, and/or letting your child spend time with friends. Consequences can include taking away privileges (use of video games, phone, etc.) and grounding or time-out, depending on the age of your child.
3. Share the plan with your child. Children must be aware of the possible consequences and rewards in order to give them the chance to make the appropriate choices. Parents can use this plan as a tool by reminding the child of the consequences of their choices before they make them.

If your child is not used to facing consequences, they will likely resist, and it may require some effort on your part to remain firm and maintain the consequence. Persevering through the first month or so will be necessary to see positive, long-term results in your parenting style and your relationship with your child.

Perhaps the worst consequence I have seen from physically aggressive punishment is the damage it does to the parent-child relationship. Many children and teens I have worked with who have been parented with corporal punishment often express a desire to “grow up and get out.”Some factors make maintaining a plan for rewards and consequences difficult. Guilt is probably the No. 1 reason I hear for a parent not being able to us this system to improve a child’s behavior. Lack of support is the second most common, and when there is support, often spouses and co-caregivers can’t agree on how to parent, and thus “splitting” occurs. In this scenario, the child gets away with whatever they want, and the parents end up angry at each other. For these three reasons, among others, many parents struggle with creating and maintaining boundaries and expectations for their kids.

A careful mix of executive authority and a nurturing stance is needed to earn respect from your kids. If you are struggling to implement such a plan, don’t resort to hitting. Working with a therapist can help you cope with feelings of guilt and can also help you and your spouse or co-caregiver work as a team and eliminate splitting. As this article suggests, you are not alone, and seeking help from a therapist in no way means you are a failure, but instead represents that you are a proactive parent.

References:

1. Rochman, B. (2012, July 02). Hitting your kids increases their risk of mental illness. Time. Retrieved from http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/02/physical-punishment-increases-your-kids-risk-of-mental-illness
2. Smith, B.L. (2012, April). The case against spanking. Monitor on Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
3. Strauss, V. (2014, September 18). 19 states still allow corporal punishment in school. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2014/09/18/19-states-still-allow-corporal-punishment-in-school/

Intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy (ISTDP), like all psychotherapy models, is a set of ideas and strategies used to form a healing relationship with another human being. Like therapists using other models of therapy, ISTDP therapists strive to create a relationship in which a person in therapy feels safe and secure. Experience shows that people need to feel safe in order to experience the emotions that their symptoms are designed to hide, and that experience of emotions within a secure bond will likely reduce their symptom burden (Davanloo, 1990; Frederickson, 2014; Abbass, 2015).

Sounds simple enough, no?

How ISTDP Therapists Use Attachment to Create Safety

[fat_widget_right]All psychotherapy models are ways of connecting and creating safety, but many assume a willing, motivated person will show up to the first session, which is not always the case. Some people arrive terrified of emotional contact with the therapist. They may come in and, intentionally or unintentionally, do things that interrupt their therapy goals without knowing why. Many therapists get stumped by these situations.

I love learning, teaching, and practicing ISTDP because the model offers an elegant system for reaching out to and supporting people to overcome the automatically deployed avoidance mechanisms that can defeat therapy. In ISTDP, we create safety by inviting a secure attachment, and then help people overcome the automatic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that would otherwise create an insecure attachment.

Why People Create Walls and How We Can Invite Them Out to Play Again

Those of us who set out to create healing relationships, in therapy and elsewhere, quickly become aware of the many barriers people erect to keep love and concern from others out. We learn about the many rationalizations and self-recriminations that buttress people’s interpersonal walls. We understand that for many people the wall was once a survival mechanism, but we also see how it hurts them now. This presents a challenge: How do we create safety and security with someone who won’t let us in? How can we heal a heart if we can’t get close enough to see it?

We understand that for many people the wall was once a survival mechanism, but we also see how it hurts them now. This presents a challenge: How do we create safety and security with someone who won’t let us in? How can we heal a heart if we can’t get close enough to see it?When we reach out to meet a person and instead we meet a wall, therapists and non-therapists alike have a variety of reactions. We might feel angry toward the person we reached out to so lovingly. We might act out that anger and turn it into efforts to control or cajole. We might pretend the walls are not there and carry on a chronically disappointing pseudo-relationship with whatever parts of the person are not walled off. Often, we transiently forget our love, feel only our anger, and become harsh. We might even respond with our own walls.

In psychoanalytic thinking, we call the above reactions “enactments” (Sandler, 1976; Chused, 1991). In other words, we start acting out the relationship that the wall invites us to have, rather than the healing relationship that the person behind the wall needs from us. We end up relating to the character armor (Reich, 1945) or “resistance” rather than the wounded person who is stuck underneath. For therapists, the trick is learning how to step out of or around the enactment and reach out to the person behind the walls.

ISTDP therapists are trained to try to channel our mixed feelings of love and anger into communication. In this case, we talk about the wall with phrases like:

• “Do you notice how when I asked how you were feeling, you started to avoid my eyes and withdraw into your thoughts?”
• “Do you notice how as I was inviting you to celebrate the successes you shared, you minimized your progress and started to put yourself down?”
• “Do you notice that whereas just a minute ago you were fully on board to face these feelings, now you are digging in your heels and saying you can’t or won’t?”

For ISTDP therapists, our first step in connecting with someone who is pushing us away is to describe the behaviors that make up the wall so they can be seen, considered, and discussed. Like any survival mechanism, our walls are built automatically and often unconsciously. To overcome these automatic barriers to connectedness, people often need help slowing down, self-reflecting, and noticing what is happening.

First, help the person see the wall. Let him or her know you see it too. Only then can you start talking about why it’s there and how it’s hurting the person, which may help him or her begin the work of overcoming the wall so you can create a safe, healing space together.

The wall, Davanloo’s (1990) vivid metaphor for the psychoanalyst’s “transference resistance,” will push many friends away, and often deflect any otherwise helpful therapeutic intervention. The wall is often a major driver of symptoms and presenting problems. By talking about the wall in ISTDP, we can sidestep the “enactment” and its destructive potential, and make a safe space where a new kind of relationship—a healing relationship—can take root.

References:

1. Abbass, A. (2015). Reaching through resistance: Advanced psychotherapy techniques. Kansas City, MO: Seven Leaves Press.
2. Chused, J. (1991). The evocative power of enactments. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 39, 615-640.
3. Davanloo, H. (1990). Unlocking the unconscious: Selected papers of Habib Davanloo, M.D. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
4. Frederickson, J. (2014). Co-creating change: Effective dynamic therapy techniques. Kansas City, MO: Seven Leaves Press.
5. Reich, W. (1945). Character analysis. New York: Noonday Press.
6. Sandler, J. (1976). Countertransference and role-responsiveness. International Review of Psycho-analysis, 3, 43-47.

’Tis the season for ghosts and goblins and creepy crawlies real and imagined … so I want to talk about one of the human mind’s scariest inventions, one nearly all of us believe in from time to time.

The bubble.

As in, “I’m just waiting for this bubble to burst.”

What, exactly, is the bubble? For many, it represents a happy time in life, a time when things are going well or some relief from a problem has been realized, a too-good-to-be-true moment or relationship. But it comes with a nagging feeling, a sense that it will all come crashing down at some point. People are uneasily content inside their bubbles; believing it could burst at any moment creates anxiety, fear, and worry. They fret themselves into pretzels and struggle to appreciate good fortune because they are so preoccupied with the possibility it will end.

I’ve seen people finally meet the partners of their dreams, only to walk around terrified that their new love is too perfect, the relationship too easy. They find themselves “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I’ve seen mothers with healthy, beautiful families who, on the one hand, talk about how much they love motherhood and how thankful they are but, on the other, are so terrified their kids will get sick or injured that they spend most of their time researching symptoms online and seeking reassurances from doctors’ offices.

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At first glance, these two examples might seem to have nothing in common—a type of self-esteem issue and a form of hypochondria—but both are signs that a scary-feeling bubble of sorts has taken over and prevented each person from fully enjoying what they have.

There are many interesting things to discover about each person’s unique bubble. For someone in a new relationship, we can talk about the joys of the “honeymoon” phase and how important it is for lasting connection. We can talk about the person’s belief that he or she is not worthy of a good relationship. For the mom with an overly involved parenting style, we can connect to her sense of responsibility and her deep love and desire to protect her children. We can gently poke at the bubble and remind these folks that, like all creatures, they deserve good things in their lives and don’t have to “pay” for them with bad fortune later.

Indeed, bad fortune does come to some of us some of the time, but the bubble doesn’t prepare us. We might look back and say, “Oh, I knew my luck would run out” or “The relationship was bound to fail at some point,” but the bubble didn’t help matters. It’s imaginary. We invented it out of thin air.

More importantly, the bubble doesn’t protect us from anything. It just causes us stress. The bubble is our safeguard against all that we fear: as long as we put ourselves in this happy bubble over here, but feel impending doom (or at least some alternative, negative reality) over there, we can stay in a fantasy.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

There is no bubble. All of these feelings and states and phases in our lives are just part of our lives.

We have grown accustomed to the idea that there is a “honeymoon” phase at the beginning of relationships and that it’s not a bubble that bursts. It is a stage that we can be grateful for, one that graduates to something else. Similarly, we should get used to the fact there will be times of health, connection, and success without expecting “payback” down the road. Just because something wonderful is happening in our lives doesn’t mean it must be followed by something terrible.

Yes, terrible things may happen from time to time, but this anxious mind-set—the bubble—does not keep terrible things at bay. Creating a doom-filled scenario for the future does not protect our happy state right now.

The best we can do when things are going well, when we have healthy children or a flourishing relationship, is to stay mindful of what we have and enjoy it. Spend more time flourishing, enjoying your good health, and cultivating happy things. This is the cornerstone of a solution-focused mind-set.

Here are some ways I help people in therapy through their bubble mind-sets:

• Use anxiety as a reminder to feel gratitude. When you think, “Nobody’s gotten sick yet this winter, so a bad flu must be on its way,” use this as a reminder to feel grateful for the health your family has enjoyed so far, and to keep doing what’s working to keep you all healthy. Try hard to translate what’s working into actual behaviors.
• When the bubble tells you that this can’t last, counter it. Identify the ways it’s trying to make you nervous, then challenge it by saying, “Nothing lasts forever, so I’m going to enjoy what I have right now. Being worried about when it will end isn’t going to help me cope in the future and will make it harder to enjoy this time.”
• Spread your confidence and gratitude to others. When you hear someone expecting the good in their life to end, counter it. Point out that nobody deserves bad fortune, and encourage the person to enjoy what they are experiencing as long as they can.
• Seek therapy and support when bad events do happen. Perhaps the worst thing about the bubble mind-set is it allows for bad fortune to feel like it makes sense. If we believe we are in a bubble that can be popped by bad luck, a wrong move, or negligence, it may always seem like we are doomed. Partnering with a counselor can help challenge this line of thinking and get to work on solving the actual problem: the bad event itself.

Remember, bubbles are every bit as imaginary as ghosts and goblins. Happy Halloween!

One of the principal aspects of mindfulness is acceptance of one’s experience in the present moment. This practice has numerous mental health benefits—but as you may have realized, it is easier said than done. When our experience is pleasant, it is easy for us to accept it; if our experience is unpleasant, we naturally want to reject it.

Why would we want to stay with unpleasant feelings? Humans naturally try to repress, distract from, project, or employ other defense mechanisms in order to not feel what is unpleasant. This obviously has degrees, and the more painful an experience is, the harder our systems work to get it out of our consciousness. So here we are, told that we need to “be with our experience,” yet our natural tendency is to run away from it. What to do?

The good news is that as we develop our capacity to be with our experience, it becomes easier. It’s much like going to the gym: initially it is very hard and we resist it, but the more we train, the easier it gets and the more we actually want to do it. When we begin to sense and feel the benefits of being with ourselves, we naturally begin to do it without as much effort.

Here are some ways to make the process easier:

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1. Start Exactly Where You Are

This is probably the most important aspect of being able to be with our experience. As much as we might like to, we simply cannot bypass our experience and be in an idealized place we think we should be. To work with any internal state, we have to be exactly where we are.

For example, we may be feeling a difficult emotion such as disgust, but then may also have a strong reaction to the disgust. We have to work with the reaction before we can really focus on the disgust. If we try to bypass the reaction by saying something like, “I need to accept my disgust,” then we are missing our reactivity. And that is the first layer we need to be with.

2. Allow Rather Than Accept

Similar to the previous point, we cannot force our acceptance of something; we can only have a disposition or attitude toward it. If we are feeling something difficult and telling ourselves, “I need to accept it,” we likely won’t be able to do it.

In a way, acceptance happens on its own and in its own time. The best we can do is try our best to allow: we allow the fact we don’t want to accept whatever feelings we have. We may say something like, “I don’t like this feeling of sadness and I’ll try to be with it, even if I don’t want to feel it.” At the same time, we also allow the fact we don’t like the sadness.

3. Be Curious

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

One way to develop curiosity is to adopt the attitude of a biologist doing naturalistic observations. A biologist wanting to understand the behaviors of lions in Africa, for instance, has the goal of simply observing the animals in their natural environment without interfering. They would not say, “Oh, this lion should not be eating that gazelle.” Rather, they would patiently observe and record what they notice. If they intervened and tried to distract the lion in order to save the gazelle, they would not be able to see exactly how the lion behaves naturally.

We can take that same attitude toward our inner landscape. We can notice our emotions, body sensations, and thoughts and not interfere with them. We simply notice what we see and try our best to suspend judgment of what should be happening. With time and patience, we begin to see connections and patterns that reveal a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4. Ask Questions of Your Internal Experience

Sometimes I will feel deep sadness inside and my tendency is to try to make myself feel different. But sometimes, I’ll directly ask my sadness what it needs. “How can I be with you in the most supportive way?” “What do you need?”

As much I don’t want to feel my experience at times, it is there for a reason—and the more open to understanding it that I am, the greater its chances of truly transforming. If I let my inner experience have a life of its own and honor its needs, it will likely reveal its cause and purpose.

5. Find Balance Between Challenge and Support

There may be times when your inner experience feels unbearable, and observing it directly may be very difficult. At such times, it may not be wise to try to stay with it; finding a source of comfort and support may be the better thing to do. This is true particularly if you have trauma in your history. In these cases, staying with difficult material may be counterproductive.

6. Respond with Flexibility

We are complex beings, and there is no one formula to dealing with our inner experience. Each time we meet ourselves, something different may be required.

An important skill we must develop is flexibility of response. At any given moment, any of these tips may be counterproductive, and at another time they may be exactly what we need. With practice, we become more flexible and attuned to what is most supportive at any given moment.

7. Remember That You Are Only Human

As committed as we may be to our inner transformation, we will generally fall short of our expectations. The truth is, the faster we are able to forgive ourselves—to be kind to the parts of us that feel shameful and that we can barely tolerate—the more chances for peace we have.

In addition, being able to let go of the self-improvement project is crucial. The very fact of wanting to improve ourselves implies a rejection of our present-moment experience or circumstances. As much as you are able, try to let go of any ideas of “making yourself better” and focus instead on accepting (or allowing) your experience be exactly what it is.

8. Recognize That Help Is Needed

We can’t do this alone; I don’t know anyone who can or has. In my own work, I have a tremendous capacity to fool myself and stay stuck in repetitive patterns for long periods. If it were not for the help and wisdom of others who have helped me in my process, I probably would not be where I am today.

The sooner we begin to allow others to guide and help us, rather than trying to figure it out on our own, the sooner our inner journey becomes so much easier. If you need help, please seek the support of a qualified therapist.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. Recent research confirms that managing relationship conflict is indeed a difficult yet crucial task for romantic partners, and the intensity and impact of conflict depend on several variables, including the nature of the relationship, the context in which the conflict occurs, and the strategies employed to address it. Many partners struggle to find ways to avoid hurt feelings without avoiding discussion altogether. You might feel unable to control your actions at times, especially when you feel attacked or shamed. You and your partner may get locked into dynamics that feel inevitable, and you might begin to respond to each other based on the repetition of those patterns rather than what is happening in the present moment. These recurring patterns often reflect underlying attachment styles, which can develop early on and continue to shape how partners respond to each other in conflict.

Self-awareness and empathy can allow you to define your patterns and become aware of what triggers you and your partner to feel the emotions that lead to defensive and contemptuous behaviors. Research demonstrates that developing self-awareness, along with active listening—the practice of fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and remembering what someone is saying—can help you become more empathetic. High levels of self-awareness are a sign of high emotional intelligence that leads to improved communication, more empathy, improved conflict resolution, and improved emotional regulation.

Often, understanding the patterns of your arguments is enough to de-escalate or even prevent harmful interactions. As individuals mature and gain more experience in managing conflicts and relationships, they develop a much clearer inner structure and more flexible and consistent use of conflict management dimensions. There are times, however, that this information leads partners to look at each other and say: “You know what triggers me. So when you stop, I’ll be able to stop, too.”

Who has the responsibility here? The one who has grown more aware of her partner’s sensitivity to a certain tone, or the one who learns he is sensitive to tones that remind him of earlier, painful experiences? Both, of course! Keeping in mind that taking responsibility for how you respond doesn’t mean you’re accepting disrespect, abuse, or hurtful behavior from your partner. Both partners need to be attentive to both their own behaviors and how they react to each other. But what happens when your partner isn’t being skillful enough to alter his or her behavior? Do you jump right in and engage in your old pattern?

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Here is the moment where you make an important choice. What would happen if you didn’t need your partner to change first, so that you can change in response? What would it be like to take ownership of your own development and create change simply because you understand its importance?

You can ask your partner to be mindful of your sensitivities, approach you differently, and refrain from certain language or tones. But you cannot allow yourself to place your self-control and your accountability in the hands of another. It is unfair to ask your partner to manage both of you, especially when emotions are high. It also disempowers you. Research by John Gottman has shown over decades that an excessive amount of defensiveness is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and breakup, which he called one of the “Four Horsemen of Apocalypse” for relationships. It reinforces the inaccurate belief you are being carried away by forces external to your influence.

Think about what would happen if you recognized the pattern and stopped it in its tracks. Imagine being the one who chooses not to perpetuate the cycle just this one time. What would you feel knowing you had reduced the opportunity for pain and disconnection between you and your partner? And in that stillness—that moment where the dynamic breaks down—so many options emerge. What other behaviors could you choose that might lead to connection, hope, and love?

Research on interpersonal emotion regulation shows this is a crucial skill that underpins the emotional dynamics in couples’ relationships, involving not only focusing on one’s own emotions but also considering one’s partner’s emotional experience.

If you’re in a high-conflict or potentially unsafe relationship, or if past experiences have left you feeling easily triggered, it can be hard to manage your emotions in the moment. Working with a therapist on your own first can give you helpful tools for staying safe and regulating your emotions before trying these strategies with your partner.

Remember: postponing or altering your reaction does not mean you condone disrespect or abuse. But if you know you and your partner are committed to a healthier relationship, then re-commit during the conflict. Slow down long enough to determine what you want to do next. Rather than feel compelled by adrenaline, anger, or inaccurate interpretations, become curious! Emotional regulation is essential for healthy relationships because it directly impacts how we communicate, resolve conflict, and stay connected. In relationships, emotional regulation means being able to manage your own feelings—like anger, frustration, or anxiety—so that you respond to situations thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Be curious about your own needs, feelings, and experience. Perhaps a deep breath or a walk around the block could calm your nerves long enough so you can reengage with your partner in a more loving way. Maybe you just need to clarify that you heard your partner correctly. Or perhaps you might describe how the current interaction feels to you and ask for a new beginning. Ask for as many new beginnings as you need to get it right.

What your partner does in response to any of this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to promote interactions that align with the kind of relationship you want. As long as you come from love, compassion, and understanding, you will see your partner more clearly because your misconceptions and pain will no longer cloud your vision. When we understand our own emotions and experiences, we become more attuned to those of our partner, recognizing their triggers, biases, and limitations. Self-awareness helps you take things less personally, step into your partner’s shoes, acknowledge their perspective, and find common ground, ultimately strengthening your relationship. Once you really see your partner, you can decide if you still want to invest your time and energy into the relationship. If your partner also longs for a new dynamic, he or she will appreciate your effort and most likely want to reciprocate by joining you in a fresh start.

Ultimately, you must begin with yourself. Take a risk and make the first move. Recent studies show that among married individuals, the functionality of emotion regulation strategies has been associated with higher marital satisfaction and fewer conflict and stress events. Even a small change can dramatically alter the path you’re on and bring you closer to the relationship you desire.

• Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
• Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
• Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
• Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
• Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
• Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
• Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.

References:

1. Jöhnk, H., Sevincer, A. T., & Oettingen, G. (2025). Mental contrasting and conflict management in satisfied and unsatisfied romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 42(1). https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075241298165
2. Spahi Kovaç, E., Morina, S., & Kervan, S. (2025). Relation between conflict management strategies and family assessment devices in multicultural setting. European Journal of Educational Research, 14(3), 929-946. https://doi.org/10.12973/eu-jer.14.3.929
3. Pottier, M., & Doherty, G. (2024). The dimensionality of the Conflict Resolution Styles Inventory across age and relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1233279
4. Msughter, J. G. (2024). Managing conflict in marriage: Techniques and interventions for addressing and resolving disagreements in a healthy and productive manner. GAS Journal of Arts Humanities and Social Sciences, 2(4), 1-15.
5. Baghaei, N., Golzari, M., & Mootabi, F. (2024). The role of interpersonal emotion regulation in couples’ relationships. Iran Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 19(1), e148166.
6. Fernández-Berrocal, P., Extremera, N., & Ramos, N. (2004). Emotional intelligence and self-awareness in romantic relationships: Links to communication and satisfaction. Personality and Individual Differences, 36(8), 1875–1887.
7. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce: Predicting when a couple will divorce over a 14-year period. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737-745.
8. Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
9. Crapo, R. H., et al. (2023). Understanding defensiveness and accountability in couple relationships: A qualitative study. Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 234-251.