Girl shaking boy and yellingEven though there can be life long debilitating psychological effects, sibling abuse may be the most ignored—if not accepted—form of domestic abuse (i.e. sexual, physical, emotional). Why is this kind of abuse ignored or minimized? There is a lot that is swept under the rug in the guise of “sibling rivalry.” And American law does not consider this a prosecutable offense unless a child is turned in by their parent(s). In other words, parents would have to be willing to file an assault charge against their own child. So parents keep this type of abuse within the family. And a lot of the time, they even blame the victim.

First some statistics: In an article entitled “A Major Threat to Children’s’ Mental Health,” Hart & Brassard reported that “There is evidence that brother-sister sexual relationships may be five times as common as father-daughter incest.” Finklehor and Baron, who are prominent researchers in the area of child abuse, state that “sibling sexual abuse is prevalent in a remarkably large quantity of individuals from virtually all social and family circumstances.” And a survey of 796 undergraduates of six New England colleges found that 15% of the females and 10% of the males reported having some type of sexual experience involving a sibling (Sibling Abuse – Wiehe). In this same publication it states that parents are aware of sexual abuse among siblings 18% of the time, emotional abuse 69% of the time and physical abuse 71% of the time.

[fat_widget_right]

Sexual abuse aside, how do we define or recognize abuse among siblings? When there is an inequity in power between two adolescents and one uses control over the other to repeatedly hurt, threaten, or degrade, that is abusive behavior. Even name calling and ridicule can wear away at a child’s self worth and self-esteem. “Children are especially vulnerable to degrading remarks because it is during their childhood years that they are developing a positive sense of self.” Unfortunately, most parents see this behavior as sibling rivalry. And while most emotional and even physical abuse, should and can be handled by parents rather than the law, first parents have to recognize that it is abuse.

Sexual abuse is another story. Most incidents of sexual abuse by siblings go not only unreported but also undetected by parents. Most times, the siblings themselves recognize that what is happening is wrong and certainly it is recognized by society as wrong. So unlike physical and emotional abuse, this should be easier to detect by parents. But most kids don’t tell. They don’t tell because the older sibling is an authority figure, or because they are threatened or scared, or because they don’t realize that it is abuse because they blame themselves as much as their sibling for what is happening. And unlike physical or emotional abuse, it is happening secretly because the older sibling knows that they have crossed a line.

What causes one sibling to abuse another?

1. Acting out anger at parents on sibling or acting out anger at an older sibling on a younger sibling.
2. Parents overwhelmed by their own problems not paying attention.
3. Inappropriate expectations – older sibling given too much responsibility or freedom.
4. Mirroring parents behavior.
5. Viewing the behavior as normal by parents.
6. Socialization of males as dominant over females.
7. Contribution of victim. “Research supports the hypothesis that the behavioral patterns of the abused child tend to invite further abuse” (Wiehe). It becomes a vicious cycle.
8. “It is important to note that this interactional cycle theory does not blame the victim!” Rather it identifies a pattern in order to treat and help prevent further abuse.

What are the long-term effects of sibling abuse?

Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.

So how do parents and other family members distinguish between abusive and normal (sibling rivalry) behavior?

1. Is it age appropriate?
2. Does one child appear to be a constant victim?
3. Is the purpose of the behavior humiliation, sadism, to cause suffering, a result of a continual explosive anger?
4. Was the behavior planned, has it happened before, does the perpetrator feel remorseful?
5. Was property destroyed or animals abused?
6. The length and the degree of the behavior. One-time incidents, if serious enough (i.e. sexual abuse), can create a life long problem. Whereas name calling, ridiculing, and even teasing if done consistently and at certain vulnerable ages (i.e. between six and seven years and/or between eleven and twelve years of age) can also create life long problems.

We need to build awareness and educate families about the difference between abusive and normal behavior among siblings. Listen to children and believe them. Good supervision and encouraging openness about discussing sex while informing children to “own their own bodies” and respect others are simple, logical steps towards protecting our children from abuse by siblings, cousins and other children.

A woman stands in woods, looking at a camera. Trauma survivors often hear, “Forget about it. Move on. It was in the past.” But this is not necessarily accurate. Until they resolve past traumatic experiences, trauma survivors are unable to move on. When trauma survivors find themselves unable to move past the past they might consider seeking the help of a licensed therapist. It is not unusual for those with past traumatic experiences to struggle with emotional difficulties, mental disorders, or physical health concerns and diagnoses.

Many of those who have survived trauma as children struggle as adults with depression, PTSD and other anxiety disorders, relationship difficulties, angry outbursts, alcohol and drug abuse, etc. Trauma survivors can experience physiological changes, too. Sometimes these individuals develop the onset of an illness. Other times their condition worsens for no apparent reason. These conditions are sometimes psychosomatic. This is a condition in which a person feels as if they are told, “It’s all in your head,” “You’re making it up,” or “You’re crazy.”

This is inaccurate. These are real conditions, though a person feels they are crazy, which may have a psychological basis to them. (I hear this frequently from people who have had traumatic pasts.) Psychosomatic means only that it’s a physical disorder caused by or greatly impacted by emotional factors. In other words, there’s a mind-body connection. Never assume any illness or painful condition has a psychological component or cause; always have a medical doctor check before making this assumption.

Survivors of childhood trauma often show some (though not all) of the following symptoms:

Physical

 

Emotional

Many of these physical symptoms can be indicative of a variety of physical illnesses. Sometimes physical illnesses can cause one to function poorly on an emotional level as well. But when physician after physician says there is nothing wrong, don’t give up. Help may be available, especially if you are aware of abuse in your past.

A word of caution. Sometimes people don’t remember past abuse. The reason for this may be either that the child blocked the emotional and physical pain, or they may not have recognized it as abuse, assuming all families lived the same way. So when you are repeatedly told nothing is wrong by your doctor, you owe it to yourself to check with a licensed therapist to see if more might be going on behind the scenes.

Blonde toddler boy shaking hands with dark-haired middle-aged manYour relationship with your children’s other parent has ended. It may not have been an easy transition. Perhaps you have felt some combination of hurt, anger, depression, relief, guilt, uncertainty, or hopefulness.

Maybe you’ve taken the time to address your feelings and are ready to think about getting into a new relationship, or maybe you left your relationship in order to begin again with a new partner. It was not an easy decision to leave and change the life your children grew up with. There have been many logistical issues and emotions to deal with as you have organized new living arrangements.

Children have many feelings about their parents’ divorce. They may not understand why it happened. They may wonder if the divorce was their fault. They may worry that, if their parents can stop loving each other, then how hard would it be for either parent to stop loving them? For children, there is often a strong desire for a reconciliation between you and their other parent. Your children may perceive a new person in your life as someone who could not only interrupt that reconciliation, but  interfere with your time with your them as well.

Below are some general considerations for how to introduce a new significant relationship to your children. This is not an exhaustive list and cannot cover all the possible variables that may be true about your life.

• Give your children time to adjust to their new situation. Sometimes parents try to take care of their own feelings of loss by dating shortly after beginning to live apart, but this is one of those times when considering the needs of your children should be a priority. It may take a year or more before your children have a chance to settle into and become comfortable with all the changes divorce has brought. This may also be a good choice for you. Waiting to date gives you the opportunity to move through any feelings of loss, anger, or fear that can be helped by attention and time.

• Don’t expose your children to people you are dating until you have a pretty good sense of the relationship’s potential. There are, of course, no guarantees. However, having your children develop relationships with people who may not be in your lives for long is not only emotionally difficult for them, but could also potentially impact how they develop their own relationships later in life.

• Be honest with your children about when you are getting ready to start dating. This is, of course, age-sensitive. Don’t give your children control over when you start to venture into that world, but in general, let them know your intentions and ask for their feelings about it.

• Let your children know that your new relationship will not take time away from them. Meet new people when they are with their other parent. Children are able to understand that adults need time with other adults, just like they need time with other children.

• Reassure them that you will not bring someone into the family unless you feel comfortable that they can fit in. Once you are ready to have your children meet your new partner, don’t surprise them by having the person show up unexpectedly at an event. Talk with your children and arrange an event that is not focused solely on dialogue—for example, avoid having the first meeting be at a dinner. Your children should have the room to go and do other things besides interact. If your new partner will be in your life, there will be ample opportunity for more direct interactions.

• Before telling your children, let your ex-partner know. It can be difficult for the other parent to get that news. It may also be difficult for the children if they are unsure whether it is okay to tell the other parent or unprepared for an emotional reaction. Your children need not have the burden of being an intentional or unintentional messenger.

• Children are often open to new adults in their lives. Some may be resistant to anyone who appears to be taking the place of a parent. However, in general, when someone is friendly, pays attention to them, and doesn’t try to be a disciplinarian, many children can form an attachment to a new partner as they spend more and more time with that person.

Take some time to think through the needs of your children. It is certainly possible to start new relationships and help your children make the adjustments to the changes that come. Be open, honest, and clear about what your children can handle at their age. Do not give them power over your decisions. In the long run, children are very resilient, especially when their feelings are considered and they are given only the information they are able to understand.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.