Most of the people who come to my office are contemplating a life change or trying to feel better about one that happened recently. They feel stressed and unsure about decisions they have to make, such as a parenting issue or what to do after graduation. Or they are unhappy about a decision that has been made for them (divorce, layoff, medical issue).

Many times, there is some room to move within this uncomfortable spot. A person can try to improve a relationship, job marketability, or health. But what are we to do when a life situation involves working with the unchangeable? How does solution-focused therapy help people live and thrive when something about their situation is completely outside their control?

Have you been stuck with a situation that feels unbearable? This might include:

• Unhappiness at work with a coworker or supervisor
• Fertility issues
• The death of someone close to you
• Bankruptcy
• The end of a relationship
• Frustration over a someone’s decisions (your child, spouse, friend, etc.)

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Feeling powerless and at a dead end is how some people I work with describe themselves in these situations. They can take some small steps in some of these cases, but for the most part these people feel like they have no control.

I find it to be NOT useful in these moments to remind people of all they have. Someone who is mourning the end of a relationship is unlikely to appreciate his or her health, and someone whose financial woes have overtaken daily life is usually unable to be glad that at least he or she has a job. A couple struggling to conceive a child may not feel fortunate that “at least” they have this or that. Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

When we must live with the unchangeable, I find it most useful to find outlets for the feelings that result from our position of powerlessness or suffering. There are plenty of tactics that we can use with cognitive therapy to help someone compartmentalize thoughts about his or her situation so that the person can function throughout the day. But what about those unstructured times, such as in the shower, driving, or late at night when the house is quiet, when the feelings creep in and feel hard to withstand?

Acknowledge your feelings, but give them a place to go. Even if you write the same thing down every night for a month in a cognitive thought chart, it is important to allow your expression to have an outlet. This could also look like a journal, a walk where you allow your thoughts to fill the time, a yoga or exercise practice, or creative expression such as painting, gardening, or baking.

Accept that, for now, these feelings and thoughts about your unchangeable situation are going to be with you for a while, but they do not have to paralyze you or sink you like an anchor. For example, people who struggle with grief come to think of that heavy feeling as one that can accompany them for a few hours but does not have to keep them from going about their days. In time, this becomes easier as you welcome the feelings that come and then go in waves. When they arise, they can go with you throughout your day. You can familiarize yourself with what they feel like and be extra compassionate with yourself. You will see that your feelings are nothing more than emotional states that come and go throughout your life. You can endure them. You were built with resilience to manage them.

Make some meaning out of your daily routine that gives you power over your situation. You may not be able to swap out your boss, move the calendar forward faster, or undo something you regret, but you have control over how you think and feel about these things today. Take charge of what you can. Have a brainstorming session about what could be part of your day that you think will help you feel good. Start with little things—guaranteed things that you know bring you happiness. Start your morning in the most positive way possible, employing these ideas as much as you can. Hang your expression of art or wear a token of strength or memory to remind yourself that you are honoring the unchangeable but not controlled by it.

How a Therapist Can Help

Seek therapy to put this situation to rest. It might sound elusive, but many people find that achieving peace with their situation is a process that is helped by the presence of a skilled professional. A therapist can help you understand why you might be stuck on a certain part of your story, or help you gain clarity to the meaning of holding on to the feelings you have.

At the very least, it is a great relief to have another person on your team during a time you feel powerless. We all need someone who believes in our ability to endure the unchangeable, and who can abide with our journey.

Do you spend too much time on other people’s problems?

You lead a busy lifestyle and you have plenty of problems of your own to solve. But have you ever noticed how much time you spend solving other people’s problems? Perhaps while you’re trying to reply to a few emails, your coworker stops by to complain about his neighbor—again. Or maybe your roommate is always telling you about her various dating escapades without noticing that you’re in the middle of something.

In therapy sessions, one of the first things I find myself doing is helping people focus on their own lives and stop trying to solve other people’s problems. I sometimes call others’ problems “hot potatoes” because they often feel urgent, which reminds me of the game we play with kids—passing the potato around until the music stops. Nobody wants to be left holding the hot potato, especially if it doesn’t belong to you.

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If you are a parent, friend, coworker, or roommate, you hear your share of other people’s problems. It takes practice to learn to deflect the hot potato. We all know what it looks like: someone dumps a problem on your lap and looks at you with hopeful eyes. It’s my job, in part, to help people through these problems and feel better. I am happy to listen to hot potatoes and am trained to help address them, relying on my professional experience and skill set.

But for people who don’t do what I do, it can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life. Here are two ideas for passing a problem back to its owner:

1. When someone shares problems with you, remember that it is not always an invitation to help the person problem-solve. Are you being paid to solve this problem? Often, the other person just wants to vent and you need do nothing more than nod and attempt to show genuine empathy and understanding. Some good responses are, “That sounds difficult,” “How frustrating,” or, “That would upset me, too.” These validating responses are usually much appreciated when accompanied by active listening, with no further action typically necessary.
2. When you attempt to solve someone else’s problem by giving advice or offering action, remember that you don’t want to rob the other person of the opportunity to use their own skills. This is especially important for parents to understand. When your child comes to you with a problem about school, a friend, or anything else, your first response after listening carefully and empathizing should be something along the lines of, “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This is, of course, if venting alone does not solve the problem, which it often does.) Give your child a chance to solve the problem. You’ll be surprised at how often kids come up with satisfactory answers. Since the world is not engineered to be problem-free for anyone, it is a wonderful thing when kids learn that they have good ideas and can take initiative, with parental support, in problem solving.

It can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” works well with roommates and friends, too. Instead of putting your own spin on someone else’s problem, let the person be the one to throw out ideas while you relax and listen. It takes practice, but it will bring you appreciation of others’ thought processes as well as free you from the frustration of being asked for advice that ultimately isn’t taken.

Letting others solve their problems gives you a chance to work on your listening and empathizing skills. You don’t have to be attached to outcomes of others’ situations, since you didn’t provide any hopes, promises, or directions. And think about how gratifying it is to help bring out others’ strengths just by allowing them the opportunity to identify and draw on them. Solution-focused therapy uses these methods as part of its core philosophy. I can’t take away someone’s problems, but I am confident that I can help most people identify and build the skills they need using their own strengths.

When you free yourself from stressing over other people’s problems and hand them back their own hot potatoes, you will find yourself with more time, energy, and emotional resources to take care of yourself. If you need help figuring out which hot potatoes are worth tossing back and which are yours to handle, seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Psychotherapy is the first form of treatment for depression or anxiety and involves a variety of treatment techniques. During psychotherapy, the person experiencing depression or anxiety speaks with a licensed psychologist or therapist who helps him or her to identify and work on the causative factors. These factors trigger depression or anxiety by working in combination with chemical imbalances in the brain or heredity factors.

Psychotherapy helps people with depression or anxiety in the following ways:

• Understanding the behaviors, ideas, and emotions that contribute to depression or anxiety
• Identifying the problems or events that contribute to depression or anxiety and understanding which aspects of the problem they can solve
• Helping to regain a sense of control and pleasure in their lives
• Teaching them problem solving skills and coping techniques

Although psychotherapy can be performed in different ways, such as individual, family, and group therapy, there are also different approaches that psychotherapists can use to provide therapy. After having a brief talk with the client, the therapist will decide on the approach to use based on the underlying factors that contribute to the person’s depression. Many therapists specialize in one or more specific techniques or approaches. These different approaches to psychotherapy include psychodynamic therapy, interpersonal therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and solution focused therapy.

Psychodynamic Therapy
This therapy assumes that the person is depressed due to unresolved, unconscious conflicts that often stem from childhood. The goal of this therapy is for the person to understand and cope better with these feelings by talking about such experiences. Psychodynamic therapy usually takes place over several months and can produce excellent results.

Interpersonal Therapy
Interpersonal therapy mainly focuses on the person’s behaviors and interactions with family and friends. The goal of this therapy is to enhance self-esteem and improve communication skills during a short period of time. This therapy usually lasts for 3 to 4 months and works well for depression caused by social isolation, mourning, major life events, and relationship conflicts.

Psychodynamic therapy and interpersonal therapy help people resolve depression or anxiety caused by loss or grief, role transitions (like becoming a parent or caregiver), and relationship conflicts.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Cognitive behavioral therapy helps people experiencing depression or anxiety to identify and change inaccurate perceptions they have about themselves and the world around them. The psychotherapist helps the client to think differently by directing attention to both the accurate and inaccurate assumptions they have about themselves and others.

This therapy is recommended for the following types of persons:

• People who think and behave in ways that trigger and perpetuate depression
• People who experience disability or interpersonal problems due to depression

Solution Focused Therapy
Solution focused therapy is a symptom-specific approach, which means it targets one or two stressors that are causing problems. The result might be helping the person find a better way to handle the boss at work or children at home. A person may simply learn techniques to handle anxiety. One therapist commented that solution focused therapy is like getting new tools in your toolbox to use immediately in your life, therefore helping you feel better quicker.

For an individual living with depression or anxiety, psychotherapy can promote better understanding of the condition and associated symptoms. For a person with depression, being able to talk with a psychologist or therapist who is there to listen, inquire, and help can be comforting as well as rewarding. After just a few sessions of psychotherapy, clients may feel a difference. Research suggests that three to five sessions often cause significant change. Talking through the issues can help identify behaviors and detrimental reactions or circumstances. Coping techniques can also be investigated during therapy sessions, and progress reports can be used to keep track of how these techniques work. For individuals experiencing anxiety or depression, being surrounded by loved ones or being encouraged to attend therapy sessions can provide immense support.

Lois has five minutes left to her fifth session and is now having a flash of insight. “I’m bored to death with therapy,” she thinks. “This is getting me nowhere.” She feels close to her therapist and decides that he deserves more than a false excuse. “Look,” she says, “I think we can both agree that we’re nearing the end here.” Unsure about how to respond to his neutral facial reactions, Lois plunges forward. “Believe me, I’m as bored of myself as you probably are. There’s no reason to pretend that we’re making progress here when I’m just going over the same issues, again and again. You’ve been trying. I know you have. But I’ve got nothing else to discover about myself. I’m done. That’s all there is. I’m just done.”

There is nothing wrong with gaining the sense of well-being that comes with having a professional provide reflection and insight on one’s life. Lois is pleased with her therapist’s support and feels the first four sessions were a success. Brief therapy may have provided her the supportive boost she needs as she continues to apply new coping skills on her own. If, on the other hand, there are uncomfortable symptoms plaguing her (sleeplessness, worry, loss of interest in pleasurable activities, intense relational conflicts, etc), it will be worth her while to take a second look at the boredom that is blocking her way.

Lois and her therapist are at a common juncture in treatment. Research into the phases of therapy conducted by Kenneth Howard of Northwestern University outlines a progressive, three-stage sequence of change. In the first phase, the client experiences a restoration of subjectively experienced well-being. The second phase focuses on the resolution of the client’s symptoms. This phase occupies a greater number of sessions—generally, between the 5th and the 15th session of therapy. Curiously, over one-half of his clients had discontinued therapy by session four.

The Problematic Skill of Emotional Insulation

As children, most of us learn to create emotional boundaries around ourselves to keep us safe. Trapped with a negative or mean-spirited crowd, our emotional insulation kicks in and we can feel somewhat removed from harm. Dropping layers of emotional insulation while with a nurturing friend allows us to take in the nutrients of their care. By the time we become adults, this unconscious defense mechanism regulates our relationships automatically.

For those impacted by big or small experiences of neglect or harm from others, it follows that they would be prone toward a self-sufficient stance. This insulation might be felt in the emotional brain as apathy and irritability when the “threat” of an ongoing relationship is apparent. The cognitive messages associated with these feelings may be something like, “I’m fine not caring about this person. I’m waiting for them to leave so I can feel more safe.” Such feelings and thoughts get activated without permission from the conscious mind. Sometimes, as in the case with Lois, the realization of boredom can occur quite suddenly and emphatically.

Repairing Flaws in the Insulation

One does not need to be engaged in long-term psychoanalytic care to see the importance of the therapeutic bond. Even in brief, solution-focused therapy, progress results in large part from the trust established between those two people sitting in that room, taking time together to see what surfaces. Boredom is simply one of the body’s natural resistances to this process. Touching into that boredom gives one the opportunity to test and perhaps readjust one’s automatic reactions. Similar to removing an unnecessary layer on a hot day, the act of staying in a relationship even when bored can yield surprisingly pleasant results.

“So you’re feeling annoyed. I see that. Care to look at that feeling a little bit further?”
Lois laughs. Another minute or two, she thinks, and this will be over. “Oh, great. So now I’m going to pay you for the chance to look at my boredom.” She rolls her eyes and opens her pocketbook.
“Only if you want to,” he answers. She hands her check to him. The two stand as she makes her way to the door. Lois takes one last moment to collect herself before reaching for the doorknob.
“You know,” she says, “I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what comes next.”
She watches her therapist nod and smile. “I can be here if you want to find out.”

Navigating Boredom and Longing

Taking a look at the automatic effort to prevent intimacy is just as important as putting effort into stepping past the resistance. Examining the body’s reactions to closeness and distance can be an unasked for but enlightening part of therapy. As Lois drives home, she is no doubt reexamining that nod and smile from her therapist as she stood at the door. The boredom that prompted their last interaction has now been unmasked to reveal an underlying uncertainty and frustration. Beneath that lies an unanswered longing for connection.

There is no quick answer to Lois’s dilemma of whether to return for another session. There’s neither certainty that therapy is the ideal site for her to place that longing, nor an assurance that it’s better to listen to the call of her boredom and move on. She has her own mind to make up and her own body to tend to as she manages the ebb and flow of her tolerance for relationships. She is not alone in her struggle, though. Boredom and longing carry their unspoken and magnetic influences on our interpersonal behaviors, driving each of us to our own true north. Effective therapy simply offers us a safe place to unmask the process.

While managing the ebb and flow of your capacity for intimacy, remember that every moment offers an opportunity for healing. I find this piece of wisdom encapsulated within the following excerpt:

Empty yourself,
So that you may be filled.
Learn not to love
so that you may learn how to love.
Draw back,
so that you may be approached.

-St. Augustine Narration on Psalm 30:30

References:
Howard, K. I.; Lueger, R. J.; Maling, M. S.; & Martinovich, Z. (1993). A phase model of psychotherapy outcome: Causal mediation of change. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(4), 678-685.

Solution-focused therapy is a new type of therapy to many people, including psychology professionals. It is considered a form of brief therapy, much like cognitive behavioral therapy, though it doesn’t necessarily have to be practiced in the short term. I consider these kinds of therapies to be “strength-based” as opposed to “insight-oriented.”

What are some benefits of choosing a strength-based therapy?

1. Focusing on your strengths always produces the best return on your investment. It’s true that most clients don’t come to therapy wanting to improve something they are already good at. However, a solution-focused therapist will work hard to identify the client’s strengths in order to help the client use these strengths in areas where they do want to improve.

Imagine your life as a pie chart, with each slice of pie a different size. At any given time, some section of the pie is going to be off or not functioning at its best. That’s normal; we have a lot of pie on our plate! A client who is problem-focused is looking only at this once slice of the pie. A solution-focused therapist is going to help the client fix that slice by balancing strengths that are part of the rest of the pie.

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For example, a couple might come to therapy complaining generally of having “communication issues,” but upon further questions from a solution-focused therapist, it might turn out that these issues only arise during a specific topic, or under certain circumstances. The couple might have excellent communication skills and just have not figured out how to apply them to their problem area.

2. People are always trying to right themselves. While you might know a constant complainer who you secretly think does a pretty good job at self-sabotaging, remember that they don’t see their life this way. A solution-focused therapist doesn’t, either. When a client and therapist can tap into the right system to solve problems, the client’s constant efforts to right themselves will eventually work. A solution-focused therapist works hard to believe the best in the client and to act as a coach and facilitator toward the client’s goals.

3. Thoughts are our best predictors of happiness. Why does research show cognitive therapy to be as effective as some medication for mental issues? Because we know that there is a direct link between the thoughts you think and the feelings you feel. When practiced over time, healthy and productive thoughts produce effective long-term results.

If a client has negative ideas about himself, his future, or the world around him, then he is likely to be depressed. Instead of dwelling in these negative thoughts, a solution-focused therapist is interested in learning about when these thoughts are not present. Is there any part of the day when the client is not experiencing the problem that has brought them to therapy? Why is this?

Solution-focused therapy focuses on the present and the future. It is concerned with today’s problems and tomorrow’s concerns. The kind of therapy I do is also nonpathologizing therapy. This means that I don’t view my clients as being deficient or sick in some way. I don’t diagnose clients (unless insurance requires it) and I don’t let them diagnose themselves, either.

It’s not that insight-oriented therapy is the opposite, but it is more interested in one’s past, one’s history of repetitive patterns and relationships, and gives much more weight to subconscious drives, behaviors, and issues.

While both therapies have their places in the world of mental health, my experience has found strength-based therapy to be more effective for the type of clients that I see. My clients are not interested in making therapy a hobby that lasts for years and years. In the coming months, I’ll be writing about how solution-focused therapy is used to help a variety of couples issues and common issues such as anxiety and depression. I welcome your comments!