How can a committed couple in a monogamous relationship have an active and fulfilling sex life? This topic comes up regularly with people I see in treatment. Couples in my office practice will tell me they’re bored with their sexual relationship or that they haven’t had sex in months, sometimes even years. Sex and playfulness are not equated with each other in their interactions. In fact, these couples may not display any playfulness toward one another at all.

When considering entering into a long-term committed relationship, or discussing sexual difficulties within an established relationship, it is common to question whether we can have a monogamous relationship with one person, be satisfied for the rest of our lives with this partner, and remain true to them. Some of us preparing to make such a long-term commitment may experience some level of anguish with regard to this question, both in terms of choosing to make the commitment and how we view ourselves in terms of ethics, morals, and our ability to keep our vows.

Consider the implications of not keeping vows, whether they are wedding vows or simply the informal commitment made when entering a monogamous relationship. Vows are generally not legal issues, in the United States. Rather, they are a commitment we make to ourselves and our partners to remain faithful. Some people may make the choice to be unfaithful when sex is not satisfying and/or their needs are not met in the partnership. But going outside the relationship to meet needs (when a couple is not practicing ethical non-monogamy) is a violation of vows that can easily destroy the love and trust between partners, causing deep hurt and damaging both individuals. But how, then, can a couple address issues of sexual needs not being met in a relationship?

What Happens When Sexual Needs Aren’t Being Met?

We know most romantic relationships may not be exciting or fulfilling without sex. In most cases (though there are exceptions), couples who are not getting their sexual needs met in a relationship are also not getting what they need emotionally. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

A satisfying sexual relationship is often crucial to the success of a romantic relationship. How we perceive our needs and desires in the physical relationship cannot be answered in this one article, but I want to talk about the attitude shift, or the way we look at ourselves and our partners in terms of their ability to meet our needs in the sexual relationship. While there may be inherent differences when it comes to what each partner might bring emotionally to the sexual relationship, couples on the whole need the same thing from their sexual relationships—an emotional connection, a feeling of security that enables them to be vulnerable and express themselves sexually, and the physical manifestation of their emotions in the giving of themselves to their partners.

The common stereotype that men are strictly orgasm-centered during sex, that emotions don’t come into play for them, is a fallacy. I can tell you, from one man’s perspective, that nothing is further from the truth. When people define their love and emotions in a physical way, they give of themselves to their partners through the physical relationship. If a physical connection is not present in a relationship, either partner may feel unimportant, empty, or alone, especially when no mechanism to discuss this is in place.

Giving emotionally to our partners is extremely important. To share ourselves through sex means being emotionally vulnerable to the person in our world who is the most important to us, and couples thrive on the empathy and emotional response that occurs when they are fully present with one another during sexual intimacy.

Sue Johnson, developer of emotionally focused couples and family therapy (EFT) defines three types of sex:

• Sealed-off sex: This kind of sex is defined as emotionless and concentrated on the physical act; anxiety and performance are at the center of this type of sexual coupling, but intimacy and true connection may be lacking.
• Solace sex: This type of sex can be a way to connect with a partner when other aspects of the relationship, such as true intimacy, are not present. When a couple has solace sex, they may be seeking emotional fulfillment in the sexual context as a way to connect with each other.
• Synchrony sex: In this type of sex, all aspects of the emotional and physical come together, defining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Vulnerability, attachment, and positive feelings about giving each other what is needed sexually are all likely to be present in the moment.

Challenges Faced When Learning to Reconnect

When I counsel couples about coming back together intimately after sex has been absent from their interaction for some time, there are a number of unique hurdles to overcome. Each partner has specific needs and ways they need to express themselves sexually. I help them make sure they understand how to meet each other’s emotional needs in the relationship and learn what is needed from each partner for sex to be exciting and fulfilling for both. A deeper understanding of those needs can create a powerful sexual experience for both partners, who may then be better able to move toward a healthy and active sexual relationship. While there may be inherent differences when it comes to what each partner might bring emotionally to the sexual relationship, couples on the whole need the same thing from their sexual relationships—an emotional connection, a feeling of security that enables them to be vulnerable and express themselves sexually, and the physical manifestation of their emotions in the giving of themselves to their partners.

To shift our attitudes about our sexual relationship, we must learn to see sex as an extension of the playfulness we have as a couple. There are no limits or boundaries when it comes to this playfulness, other than those set together as a couple. This can make your sexual relationship incredibly powerful. The dialogue you have with your partner should always contain a discussion about sexual behavior you may or may not want to engage in. You and your partner can then expand your playfulness into sexual exploration, staying within the limits you set regarding behaviors you might not be comfortable with.

David Schnarch coined the term, “wall socket sex“ in his book Passionate Marriage, describing an emotional and sexual stimulation that can create an “electric” connection in sexual intimacy. Being present together and allowing sexual responses to be authentic and natural through the giving and receiving of pleasure can lead to an emotional and physical connection that brings with it an unrivaled eroticism. Being with someone you love sincerely, to whom you are deeply attached, creates a physical relationship where both of you recognize that your presence, your desires and stimulation, are all about your partner’s satisfaction. This can be a recipe for a powerful sexual and emotional connection.

Learning to Share Vulnerably

In couples counseling specifically, I’ve heard a lot of discussion surmising that when everything is going well in the relationship, the sexual relationship will naturally take care of itself. I have not found this to be accurate. What helps heal the sexual relationship is being able to be vulnerable with each other, to bring up fantasies and desires, to be able to feel safe in sharing needs and desires without fear of rejection. You have to know your partner loves you and that fantasies and desires will be at least heard, if not considered. [amazon_affiliate]

When it comes to the particulars of sex in relationships, in a healthy partnership it should be possible to discuss and consider introducing new activities in the bedroom. Things like role play, sex toys, and other types of kink, or non-vanilla sex (what some might refer to as “abnormal” sexual behavior), can be openly discussed and considered. Having a dialogue about what you like, what turns you on, what drives you sexually, or what you’d like to experience is most likely to be possible—and productive—when both partners feel emotionally safe.

If one partner isn’t comfortable in any way, it’s essential to consider what they want and need. Anal sex is an example where a dialogue about wanting to engage in this form of sex play may be necessary. If one partner declines, does that create anger and resentment, or do you simply take it off the list? If you’re in a relationship where you feel secure about broaching any subject, you would simply cross it off and move on to consider the multitude of other sexual adventures you might have instead. If you struggle with these discussions, consider seeking the help of a qualified mental health professional. It can help to begin the conversation in a safe space free of judgment.

I believe monogamy is so sexy because two people can have whatever they desire together. Though it may be necessary to work through any issues that may arise, and perhaps commit to several conversations about certain topics, this can still lead to greater feelings of security and safety in the emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship. When we know our relationship is secure, that our partner is invested in making us happy and fulfilling us emotionally, physically, and sexually, just as we are committed to doing so for them, we are free to enjoy the sexual relationship to the fullest.

References: 

1. Johnson, S. (2013). The three kinds of sex. Retrieved from http://www.drsuejohnson.com/the-three-kinds-of-sex
2. Schnarch, D. (2009, April 27). Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.

When I meet other professionals, I am usually quick to say that I work with the LGBTQ+ community. It takes a longer conversation, usually, for me to include that I serve kinky and nonmonogamous populations as well. This is stigma.

When I attended an experiential training for therapists working with polyamorous relationships several weeks ago, I felt a sense of protectiveness about where I was going and whom I should tell. This is stigma.

When someone wants to invite a partner to an event or introduce them to other important people in their life but ends up feeling paralyzed in a labyrinthian decision-making process predicting the social safety of that decision … this, too, is stigma.

If you’re reading this article you’re probably curious about polyamory on some level—personally, politically, professionally, or all three. Most of us have a positive or negative bias toward the idea of consensual nonmonogamy, depending on personal experience and the relationship values one holds dear. I have encountered very few people who hold a neutral view of polyamory. But cultural fears shape a lot of conversations, both public and private, preventing people from being able to communicate openly and authentically about whom they love. In other words, our culture’s hang-ups and, often, our own deep-seated fears prevent polyamorous people from abiding by their own values to communicate openly and authentically with and about the people they care about. Navigating this disconnect can create a sense of self-splitting between the personal and the public—which might even include family and friends—perpetuating distress and isolation. These factors have serious implications for mental health.

[fat_widget_right]How can we prevent these microaggressions and micro-oppressions? First off, you don’t have to be poly to support the rights of others to decide that open relationships are right for them. Choosing to stand up in solidarity with intentionally and consensually nonmonogamous parties can happen gently. Below are seven ways to challenge what Designer Relationships authors Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson call ”default monogamy.”

1. Stop assuming monogamy is the default. In their guide “Happy Monogamy, Positive Polyamory, and Optimistic Open Relationships,” Michaels and Johnson (2015) provide useful tools for Big Discussions and demonstrate how relationship terms can be tailored as uniquely as the people who participate in them. As the subtitle suggests, they are certainly not anti-monogamy—indeed, most proponents of polyamory will agree that polyamory is “not for everyone.” But authors point out when you avoid talking about the boundaries of your relationship for fear that mentioning the potentials will mean “monogamy will forever be broken,” it creates a sense of ambiguity and anxiety for partners. The consequence of the monogamy default, the fear of having that conversation, is that no consensus is reached about what monogamy really means.

2. Stop assuming that polyamorous relationships are “watered down,” cheaper, or shallow somehow—that they can’t “go deeper” like healthy monogamous relationships do. By necessity, people in consensually nonmonogamous relationships are “communication ninjas,” says Johnson. Preliminary studies of open relationships suggest moderate-to-high levels of happiness (Loving More, 2012), or at least comparable self-reported levels of relationship functioning (e.g., intimacy, satisfaction, jealousy) alongside those engaged in monogamous relationships (Conley et al., 2017). Some people do desire sexual and/or romantic exclusivity to feel safe and protected, but many people report that their participation in consensual nonmonogamy is an act of empowerment and helps them grow.

3. Switch up your language. A simple “partner or partners” goes a long way. Reducing or modifying the phrase “significant other” helps. Once you commit to being an ally in this way, you’ll start to notice mono-normativity is everywhere!

4. Consider developing new standards of event invitations. In “Why I’m Still in the Polyamory Closet,” Michael Carey writes about just how emotionally exhausting it can be to consider everyone else first when you want to do something as simple as go on a date with a partner or meet a partner’s parent. But if you yourself are hosting an event, you might be surprised to learn that some of those you know are already in an open relationship.

For example, if marriage (not currently poly-friendly at the federal and state level) is in your future, bust out your “couple privilege” and get creative with the wedding invitations. This is tricky, because it assumes a greater cost for you, but rather than assuming each guest might bring a plus one, you could invite them to indicate the number of guests they are bringing and specify that they be committed partners. Many guests do not bring a plus one, and even your friends with multiple partners are unlikely to choose your special day as their “coming out” debut—but it’s nice to be included, particularly on such a monogamy-oriented occasion.

5. Challenge the notion that it’s all about sex. When a lot of people hear “polyamory,” they cringe, thinking it’s a lifestyle comparable to swinging or cult polygamy. This is probably the biggest barrier to open communication about open relationships, and it has wide-ranging implications—from being afraid to come out to coworkers for fear they’ll think you’re on the prowl (Carey, 2013), to children being removed from their parents’ custody for fear of being exposed to sex (North, 2009).

6. Debate the accusations that polyamory is just an excuse to cheat, or an effort to relabel behavior that is considered cheating. YES, both of these things sometimes happen, but not with greater frequency than what is found in relationships assumed to be monogamous. In general, consider the intense ethical foundation it requires to actually maintain consensual relationships with multiple partners. More Than Two provides a great FAQ about how to tell the difference between polyamory and cheating. As Michaels and Johnson (2015) point out, “any relationship can be selfish and greedy.” These traits are not restricted to those who choose to engage in open relationships, and many would argue those consensual nonmonogamists are more committed to fighting those tendencies than most!

7. Scope out reading and resources. Examine your beliefs and keep an open mind. Some other good references are Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, The Jealousy Workbook, by Kathy Labriola, and More Than Two, by Franklin Vieaux. If this is new territory, expect that you might get triggered, and read responsibly and in smaller chunks. Society for Sex Positive Culture director Allena Gabosch summarizes, “Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their worldview” (North, 2009). When we get scared, we put up walls and engage with our defense mechanisms. Thoughts and ideas can’t tear apart relationships all on their own, however—only actions and behaviors can. The more intentional we are with our relationship decisions and choices, the more likely we are to experience trust and intimacy, whether it’s with one partner or more.

References:

1. Carey, M. (2012). Why I’m still in the polyamory closet. Slate. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2013/09/05/why_i_m_still_in_the_polyamory_closet.html
2. Conley, T. D., Matsick, J. L., Moors, A. C., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205-232. doi:1177/1745691616667925
3. Fleckenstein, J., Bergstrand, C., & Cox-II, D. W. (2012). What do polys want? An overview of the 2012 Loving More survey. Loving More: Found on the Loving More website: http://www.lovemore.com/polyamory-articles/2012-lovingmore-polyamory-survey/
4. Michaels, M. & Johnson, P. (2015). Designer relationships: A guide to happy monogamy, positive polyamory, and optimistic open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis.
5. North, A. (2009). Why does polyamory freak people out? Jezebel. Found on the Jezebel website: http://jezebel.com/5325677/why-does-polyamory-freak-people-out