Young woman sitting alone looking out windowWhen your life doesn’t go as planned, it’s natural to look back with regret. Experiences and time spent seem like a waste when you’re robbed of the opportunity to finish what you started. This may seem particularly true with the end of your marriage.

Regret is common when you’re going through divorce or separation. You might even question whether you would make the same choices knowing what you know now. Thoughts about the past may make you angry because it seems like everything was a big waste of time, or perhaps you feel like you invested poorly in the stock of your life. If you made a poor choice in a partner, or committed to a relationship you knew wasn’t right, the feeling of regret may be even stronger. Wishing you could go back in time and do it all over is normal.

Regret is very closely linked to anger and grief. It’s a natural part of recovering from the end of a marriage, but like anger and grief it can become problematic if left unresolved. There are certain emotions that easily pass through the system, but regret can be an emotional artery clog because, like resentment and shame, it survives in the dark recesses of your own mind. Regret is simply a construct of time because it can happen only when there is something in the past you haven’t been able to resolve in the present. Focusing or fixating on the past with a regretful perspective is toxic and may land you in a state of bitterness that is much harder to undo.

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Living with a feeling of regret is often painful and depleting. Energy that could be used for a new life or creating new memories gets drained when the focus is on what could or should have been. When you look forward toward the future, there’s a strong pull to compare it to the past, and when the past gets pulled into the present, it serves as a weight or obstacle that may prevent you from creating the life you are capable of creating.

Here are four tips to release your regret:

1. Make a List

Start by making a list of all your regrets. Get them down on paper so you can clearly see what you’re wishing were different. Some of the items on your list may be valid and connected to a natural grief process, but many will simply represent a resistance to the things you cannot change. You might regret selling your house, not paying more attention to the marriage, or getting married in the first place.

Next, take each regret and write a few brief lines about what would have happened if you hadn’t made that choice or if a particular experience hadn’t happened. How would things be different now? What would be different in the future? Use what you learn to reshape your regret.

2. Find the Silver Lining

Your mind is powerful, and your thoughts will likely be the biggest obstacle to letting go of regret. Replaying old stories and thinking about how things could have been different may keep you rooted in a negative space. When you pay attention to your thoughts, you can catch them and reshape them into something more positive. There is always another scenario that can be played out, so finding the silver lining by taking a bigger perspective may be helpful.

Take the list you made of your regrets and reframe each one into three positive points. For example, if you regret giving up your career for your marriage, a bright side might be that you had time away from work to engage other interests and aspects of your life.

3. Focus on Your Strengths

Regret can lead to a feeling of weakness because it implies that what you need is no longer available to you. Focusing on your present strengths may empower and encourage you to let that go.

Make a list of your personal strengths. You may have to dig deep if you’re feeling like a failure in the current context of your life, but if you sit long enough, you’ll likely come up with a few. Your strengths might be kindness, intelligence, courage, or compassion. Pick one strength and think about how you might use it to help you move forward without regret.

4. Transform and Grow

Regret is a part of your recovery process; after all, there is no way to move forward without reflecting on the past. However, there’s a difference between fixating on what could have been and learning from your choices.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is the wisdom you pull from the choices and experiences you regret. It’s a great opportunity for personal growth and transformation to learn from your mistakes, so turn what didn’t work out into a chance for change.

Young child sitting alone in window with head down Because it’s mostly silent and invisible, childhood emotional neglect is largely an overlooked phenomenon in psychology. Unlike physical neglect or abuse, where there are signs such as bruises or children coming to school underfed, emotional neglect is difficult to identify as there are frequently no observable signs. More importantly, emotional neglect is generally unrecognized by the child until symptoms begin to appear in adulthood.

Emotional neglect can take many forms, from a parent having unrealistically high expectations or not listening attentively, to invalidating a child’s emotional experiences to the point he or she begins to feel self-doubt. When a parent is not emotionally attuned to a child, there is no mirror held up, no positive reflection being shared with the child. Developing a positive sense of self, then, becomes more challenging for the child.

Symptoms of Emotional Neglect

As outlined in Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Dr. Jonice Webb, symptoms of childhood emotional neglect that show up in adults may include (but are not limited to):

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While having these symptoms doesn’t necessarily mean you were emotionally neglected, if you identify with more than one symptom, it may be worthwhile to talk with a therapist about the possibility.

What Kinds of Parents Tend to Emotionally Neglect Their Children?

First, let me say most parents are well-intentioned and well-meaning and generally do the best they can. Some may have experienced emotional neglect themselves as children, and therefore may not have a lot to give emotionally. However, there are some parenting styles and characteristics that lend themselves to emotional neglect.

Authoritarian parents want their children to follow the rules, and have little time or inclination for listening to a child’s feelings and needs. As adults, children raised by an authoritative parent may either rebel against authority or perhaps become submissive.

Permissive parents have a laissez-faire attitude about child rearing and may let children pretty much fend for themselves. Children raised by permissive parents may have a tough time setting boundaries and limits for themselves in adulthood.

Parents with narcissistic qualities feel the world revolves around them. It’s typically all about the parent’s needs instead of the child’s. As adults, these children may have difficulty identifying their needs and ensuring that they’re met. They may even feel that they don’t deserve to have their needs met.

Perfectionistic parents tend to believe their children can always do more or better. These are the parents who may complain when a child brings home a report card with all A’s and one B. Children of such parents may grow up to be perfectionists, and set unrealistically high expectations for themselves, resulting in anxiety around feelings of never being good enough.

Absent parents can be removed from a child’s life for a variety of reasons, such as death, illness, divorce, working long hours, or frequent travel for work. Children of absent parents end up raising themselves to a large extent, and if they are the oldest child may also raise their younger siblings. These children tend to be overly responsible, which may carry over to adult life. As children, they seem like little adults, overburdened with worry about their families.

Tips for Recovering from Emotional Neglect

So what can you do if you think you may have been emotionally neglected as a child? Here are some tips:

1. Learn to be aware of positive and negative emotions when you’re experiencing them.

If you’ve spent your adult life being disconnected from your feelings, the first step is to learn to identify positive and negative emotion. It’s important to acknowledge just good and uncomfortable feelings to begin with.

Once you have that down, you can focus on noting subtler nuances of feelings. You may not even have words for how you feel, which is perfectly normal if you didn’t grow up in a home where people talked about their feelings.

2. Identify your needs, and take steps to meet them.

Many adults who experienced emotional neglect as children are often unaware of what they need and typically don’t feel deserving of getting their needs met. Develop your emotional vocabulary by researching emotions and needs online or at the library. Once you know what you need, it’s time to take action.

3. If you believe you don’t deserve to have your needs met, acknowledge the belief and see it as just that—a belief, not a fact.

It can be helpful to begin to deconstruct old beliefs you’ve held for a long time that may no longer hold true. Like everyone else on the planet, you have emotional needs that you deserve to have met, no matter what you experienced in childhood.

4. Be gentle with and take good care of yourself, starting with small steps.

Adults who experienced emotional neglect as children often have difficulty with self-care. Unaware of their feelings and needs, they frequently don’t know where to start. Try treating yourself with the same care and gentleness you would give a child who wasn’t able to take care of themselves. Be tender and compassionate with yourself, especially if you tend to be self-critical or judgmental.

And remember: Rome wasn’t built in a day! This is a process. When you skin your knee, you need to clean out the wound and expose it to the light of day; the same holds true for emotional wounds. Dare to bring the wound out of hiding, give it some light and air, and you’ll be on the road to healing.

Reference:

Webb, J. (2012). Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect. New York, NY: Morgan James Publishing.

Woman on roof looks up at bright balloonsSomeone I’m working with in therapy recently asked me whether I’ve seen Pixar’s Inside Out. Shortly after, a friend of mine asked the same question, saying, “You would love it. It’s about emotions.” So I added the movie to my daughter’s Christmas list and finally had the chance to watch it.

Twenty-five minutes in, I was shopping online for Joy and Sadness figurines for my office.

For anyone who hasn’t seen the movie, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear are five characters living inside the mind of 11-year-old Riley. The movie provides a cute and interesting look at how things such as thoughts, memories, and feelings interact in the conscious and subconscious networks of the brain. What excited me most was how the banter between Joy and Sadness so perfectly depicts a topic I frequently teach in my workshops and therapy sessions—the topic of self-talk.

Self-talk is something we all engage in, be it consciously or in our subconscious minds. All day long, we are thinking various thoughts as we go about our days, completing various tasks and interacting with others. For many people, the thoughts playing in the background of the mind tend to be of an overwhelmingly negative nature. We tend to engage in all-or-nothing thinking, jump to extreme conclusions, magnify our weaknesses, overlook our strengths, and box ourselves into rigid ways of thinking.

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The attitude you take and the way you think about various situations will ultimately control how you feel. Over time, the build-up of negative messages and distorted thought patterns can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other issues.

In the movie, Sadness’ character constantly retorts the happy remarks of Joy with ho-hum responses and glass-half-empty views. For example, Sadness says, “I keep making mistakes like that. I’m awful. I know I am.” Joy tells her, “No, you’re not. You can’t focus on what’s going wrong. There’s always a way to turn things around. To find the fun.” She encourages Sadness to think of something funny. Sadness responds, “Remember the funny movie where the dog dies?”

In another scene, Riley’s dad has to leave for work and Sadness jumps to the conclusion, “He doesn’t love us anymore.” These berating remarks and pessimistic ways of thinking are so similar to the negative self-talk messages we all engage in at various times in our lives. When you engage in self-defeating thinking, with a lot of unrealistic expectations and overly critical messaging, you set yourself up to feel bad, incompetent, or inadequate.

The attitude you take and the way you think about various situations will ultimately control how you feel. Over time, the build-up of negative messages and distorted thought patterns can lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and other issues.

It’s often difficult at first to pick out this voice, as we are not used to actively observing all of our thought processes. Yet, monitoring self-talk is one of the main tools I encourage for building self-esteem. When you begin to pay attention to the messages in your mind, you can eventually work to catch and reframe negative messages into more optimistic, rational, and encouraging statements. Inside Out gives a nice visual of what self-talk is like. It demonstrates the types of messages and attitude that build you up versus drag you down.

People who really struggle with low self-esteem often find it nearly impossible to find a joyful voice. They say things like, “It is just too hard to give myself praise or say positive affirmations when I don’t really believe it.” Or, “I just cannot say anything nice to myself. It feels way too uncomfortable.” When this happens, I encourage the individuals I work with to imagine the self-talk voice as somebody outside of themselves—a caring friend, a loving mentor, or an encouraging coach. Imagine what you would say to a friend or to a small child and give yourself the same level of respect and compassion. The goal is to let the optimism of a voice like Joy’s greatly outweigh the glum of a voice like Sadness’. If giving a name and identity to your own messages helps, go for it.

As we learn toward the end of the movie (spoiler alert!), Sadness does have a real and important place in Riley’s mind. Changing self-talk doesn’t mean ignoring or ridding yourself of negative thoughts or emotions. Instead, it’s about finding a way to rationally acknowledge these feelings and move on without falling into a downward spiral of ruminating on the negative or beating yourself up. The goal is to think and speak to yourself in a kind way. For example, “I made a mistake. I am human.”

Developing this rational, positive voice often involves breaking a long-standing habit and takes time and a lot of practice. Start by paying attention to your own mental chatter; you may discover you, too, have a voice of Sadness that is getting in your way. As you become comfortable identifying this voice, you can begin working to temper the negative messages with more rational and constructive statements. The more you bring forward your own voice of Joy, the happier and more self-assured you will likely become.

Women working in store“I feel like I am not listened to and that what I say doesn’t count.” “I feel humiliated for speaking up.” “I’m afraid of losing my job if I am critical.” “I’m expected to take care of things that are not my responsibility.” “I feel used and taken advantage of.” “My supervisor can’t change. It’s just the way it is, and I have to accept it.” “It’s hopeless! I’ve tried, and nothing changes.” “Every time I do the right thing, it feels like I get punished.” “I can’t believe my boss doesn’t get how we feel about him and what kind of harm he’s causing.” “My therapist says she wants all kinds of feedback, but when I give her negative feedback, she just turns it around on me.” “My feelings and opinions just aren’t taken seriously.” “It’s just not safe.” “It’s really unjust, but it is more peaceful to just let it go.” “I feel like it is just hopeless to have an effect, so I don’t invest myself.” “I can’t believe it. She just said no. And she’s my friend.” “He’s always too busy.” “There’s no acknowledgement, no follow-up from what I say.” “She must be right.”

Sound familiar?

These are feelings and experiences frequently expressed by people when they are in what I call a down-power role. People in therapy, students, supervisees, employees, medical patients, and parishioners, among others, are in roles with less power and influence than their up-power therapists, teachers, supervisors, employers, doctors, and clergy. This greater power is an automatic accompaniment to professional or positional power and, in fact, is embedded in the up-power role. Role power is earned or assigned. Role power is an add-on to the personal power we all have and need in our lives. Think of it like a scarf or mantle of additional power and responsibility that one puts on when one is in an up-power role.

Often without recognizing it, we may move between up- and down-power roles multiple times in a day. At the dentist, we are down-power. As a teacher, we are up-power. With a police officer, we are down-power. This power difference, although it has vital functional and emotional value, creates relational dynamics that, when misused, are reflected in the italicized statements above.

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Therapist, supervisor, teacher, director, clergy, doctor, police officer: these are the positional power roles that carry an especially strong power difference. The stronger the power difference, the greater the vulnerability and risk for those who are down-power. The strength of the power differential is directly related to the amount of risk.

I use the terminology up-power roles and down-power positions because they are simply directional words, not necessarily evaluative words. By the way, there are other up-power roles in which the power difference is not very great (although still present), or the power difference is temporary—waiter in a restaurant, committee chair, lecturer. Virtually all jobs have some up-power responsibilities for assessment and final decision-making.

The power-differential effects that I want to describe are the relational dynamics that are most potent in high-difference roles, such as teacher, therapist, clergy, supervisor, and director. This information may be useful to you when you are in a challenging down-power position and want to have some positive influence but not get hurt or feel put down. It may also be useful when you are in an up-power role and things aren’t smooth, or you’re getting a lot of pushback, shutdown, passivity, or anger. Reviewing these dynamics can help you make self-corrections that can shift the relationship for the better.

The dynamics are as follows:

  1. All power/no power
  2. Skewed impacts
  3. 150% principle
  4. Power blindness
  5. Power with heart

Let’s explore these dynamics in greater depth.

1. All Power/No Power

There is a misconception, based on witnessing or experiencing abuses of power, that up-power means “all power” and down-power means “no power.” This is a self-reinforcing dynamic. The more the up-power person over-identifies with the increased power accompanying their role, the more the down-power person feels powerless and disempowered; meanwhile, the more the down-power person experiences or assumes no power, the more the up-power person experiences or assumes they have all the power.

Without understanding the difference between role power and personal power (and also status power), it is easy and natural to think of role power as if it were personal power. As a therapist, it is not healthy to take a person’s suffering home. Better to leave it at the office. As an airline pilot, it is not healthy to treat your partner and children as if they were staff or passengers under your command.

There are also ways in which people get stuck in an up-power role even when they have taken off their role mantel. A member of the clergy, for example, may not be able to go to a meeting without being expected to hold up-power role responsibilities. We are generally unaware of how frequently we change from up-power roles to down-power positions.

2. Skewed Impacts

In the relationship between up-power and down-power, it is acceptable and a responsibility of the up-power role to give feedback—both positive and challenging. For those in a down-power position, it is fine to give positive feedback, but it can be risky to give negative feedback or even suggestions for what would work better. Challenging feedback can be met with humiliation, putdown, demotion, or even loss of a job.

3. 150% Principle

The 150% principle is an important concept. The up-power role is weighted toward responsibility, while the down-power role is weighted toward risk. One of the responsibilities that goes with the up-power role is what I call the 150% principle. While all are 100% responsible for the health of the relationship, the ones in the up-power roles are even more responsible—hence the 150% metaphor.

On a day-to-day basis, this attitude means the person in the up-power role needs to be 50% more active in tracking for and resolving working-relationship problems and issues, earning trust, holding the big picture, demonstrating listening and responding to feedback (especially challenging feedback), attending to safety, and being fair and respectful. This is a tall order, but it is part of using role power wisely and well.

4. Power Blindness

The socially dominant concept of power as force, exploitation, and manipulation often leads people in up-power roles to disown, deny, or downplay their increased power and influence by virtue of their role. This power blindness causes much harm, albeit harm that is subtle, confusing, and difficult to address.

Power blindness is particularly a problem for people in the helping professions: teachers, supervisors, therapists, and clergy, all of whom are often trying to help people heal from the wounds of power abuse and thus should be particularly sensitive to misuses of power. They don’t want to cause harm, yet they frequently fail to understand how their up-power roles heighten their influence, just as turning up the volume on the television increases the sound.

5. Power with Heart

The core of “right use of power” is the ability to stay connected. Staying connected involves standing in your strength while staying in your heart. Both strength and compassion are necessary aspects of power.

When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact.

Many shadow aspects can interfere with a leader’s ability and even interest in staying in a relationship. Here are two of them: social distance and the ability to take action without interference. Both of these conditions have leadership value. Social distance helps give a leader a view of the whole person or organization that is essential for good care and decision-making. The ability to take action without interference allows the leader to take charge and make difficult decisions that move things along and are for the good of the whole even though not everyone affected agrees. However, in seeing the forest, one’s connection to individual trees can get lost or distorted. Compassion is lost when individuals become cogs in the wheel of progress and financial success.

An unfortunate but natural result of being able to take action without interference is that leaders begin to be more impulsive, more self-oriented, and less respectful in their relationships. Helping professionals and leaders need to understand this dynamic in order to be alert to ways they may unconsciously be losing compassion and connection.

It might be interesting now to go back to the beginning of this article and look at the statements. Can you relate each statement to one or more of the relational dynamics described? Do you have personal experiences with any of these role-power issues? To repeat, understanding and working with these relational dynamics may be empowering, whatever role you are in. When in a down-power position, you can be wiser and less victimized by misuses of power. When you are in an up-power role, you can be more sensitive and responsive to your impact. Staying connected is key. Maybe it’s not so hopeless, after all.

Lioness displaing dangerous teethHealthy anger requires self-awareness, open communication, and the ability to self-soothe. When you can clearly describe your thoughts and feelings, be open to alternative perspectives, and problem-solve, you keep your anger in check and promote intimacy in relationships. On the other hand, if your anger feels out of your control, makes you “see red,” or even scares the people around you, you must develop a new way of expressing your anger.

Before you can rein in your anger, however, you must stop minimizing or justifying it. Look in the mirror and acknowledge your responsibility for your actions. Refrain from pointing the finger at others for setting you off or provoking you. Physical and verbal aggression never have a place in your relationships. There is always another option.

Once you have fully owned your anger, it is time to understand it. Explore the following aspects of your anger to learn more about its origin, its purpose, and how to address it.

1. How Long Has This Been Going On?

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Ask yourself if the way you manage your anger is new to your life or if it precedes your current situation. When you are honest with yourself, you may recognize a long-term pattern of losing your temper or expressing your anger in unhealthy ways. Perhaps you’ve always had a short fuse and taken your anger out on others. Perhaps you’ve taken your anger out on yourself through self-harm (substance abuse, self-injury, risk-taking, etc.). Allowing yourself to recognize the pattern will help you continue to take responsibility for your actions. You will have further evidence that something inside of you needs to heal.

If your anger does feel new, assess your life for anything unhealthy that impacts your behavior in a negative way. Substance abuse, toxic relationships, and recent trauma can all impact how you manage your anger. Traumatic brain injuries have also been known to alter personalities. Please be sure to address any emotional, situational, or medical factors that could be involved in learning to control your anger.

2. Is There a Cycle?

Use a diary or calendar to chart out when your angry episodes occur, their frequency, and what is going on in your life when they happen. Pay attention to the time between episodes, too. Describe your mood, physical sensations, stress level, and any events or interactions that take place on a daily basis. You might become aware of a gradual increase in tension or irritability that eventually builds up to an explosion. Be sure to note how you feel after an episode, identifying any remorse, shame, or even relief. This can help reinforce consequences of maintaining your angry behaviors and/or offer you valuable information regarding your stress-management needs.

When you tune into your daily experience, you will learn how your anger develops over time. You will gain a clearer picture of what triggers you; even small triggers add up! Even if your anger seems like it erupts quickly and without warning, there is usually something bubbling under the surface. For example, a low tolerance for frustration, a need to control your environment, or anxiety about your life situation can all lead to uncontrollable anger. The more you understand about what fuels your anger and how it progresses, the greater chance you have to address it with therapy, coping skills, or relaxation techniques.

3. Consider Your Family History

Who were your models of emotional expression? The way your parents or caregivers expressed feelings can influence how you recognize emotions and cope with them.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present.

In some families, anger is the only emotion expressed, which can limit your emotional vocabulary. Disappointment, hurt, and embarrassment can become confused with and communicated as anger. Your response to distress also depends highly on what you witnessed as a child. If you watched the important adults in your life act in aggressive or hurtful ways, you might learn to do the same.

Furthermore, families who struggle to experience the vast array of emotions may also struggle to accept and validate you for who you are. Long-lasting anger can develop when we have not been permitted to be ourselves and communicate our thoughts, feelings, and needs openly.

4. Consider Your Personal History

Traumatic experiences of abuse, violence, or other life-threatening circumstances can create an unsafe view of the world and fuel a need to be on guard at all times. This kind of hypervigilance can make you interpret those around you as critical or deceptive, even when they have good or neutral intentions. You may also be justifiably angry at those who hurt you in your past; instead of healing those wounds, though, you take your pain out on those around you. It’s as if your current relationships are being asked to pay the penalty for crimes they did not commit.

As you begin to uncover the roots of your anger, you can begin to separate your past from your present. You can live in the here-and-now with your loved ones, rather than reliving horrific experiences that no longer exist today. If it feels appropriate, you can learn to forgive those who hurt you, thereby letting go of the weight of the pain they caused you. You may also need to forgive yourself for any pain your anger caused the people you love.

Be kind and patient with yourself during this process, as it may reveal aspects of your life that are painful or uncomfortable. Seek support from a professional who is trained to assist you in your self-discovery. A therapist, meditation teacher, spiritual/religious advisor, etc., can help you learn valuable tools to heal past hurts, respond appropriately to a variety of emotions, and cope with the present-day experience of your anger.

Reading in chair on beach at sunsetLet’s all be real for a moment and face the fact there is often a lot of pressure from friends, family, coworkers, and others for a gay person to be in a relationship, especially now that marriage equality laws are on the books. In the LGBT community, as in other communities, finding the “perfect partner” is considered by many to be the holy grail. It’s not an especially fair or reasonable expectation, however, and some people who prefer the single life are left feeling compelled to defend their choice.

What’s to defend, really? Pressure and Hollywood fantasies aside, maybe, just maybe, it’s OK to be single. Being on your own doesn’t have to be a shameful or isolating story; instead, it can be a celebration of your growth and development as an individual.

Without further ado, here are five reasons why it’s good to be single and gay:

1. You have the opportunity to get to know yourself better.

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As a single person, the opportunity to explore who you are and how you want to be in your world is an amazing luxury. There is no need to morph yourself to a partner’s ideal, and you have room to discover who you are, what you want, and what you need. As Oscar Wilde said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Being single offers time not only for introspection that allows you to explore aspects of yourself needing attention, but to actively pursue those things as well.

2. You are fully responsible for the big decisions in your life.

Change jobs, travel the world, or buy a new car, if you like. Guess what? The only person on the line for these decisions is you. This single-minded energy can be incredibly invigorating and empowering. When you make a life-changing decision on your own, it is a chance to build personal power and take responsibility for creating the life you want. And if the choice falls through or proves untenable? You still get to take ownership, learn, and grow from the experience.

3. You can spend more time with friends.

As a single person, friends are likely the most important part of your support network, right up there with family. Unlike family, whom you did not choose, your friends are the people you purposefully drew into your life to grow with, learn from, and have fun with. Cherish those relationships and nurture them so they flourish regardless of whether you stay single long-term. Let your friends remind you how much fun they are—and how much fun you are. Lean on them when you need to.

4. You can prioritize self-care without a hint of guilt.

As a single person, you likely have more time and energy to devote to taking better care of yourself. Whether it’s going to the gym, joining an activity group, attending yoga classes, or simply reading more for pleasure or taking long baths, the only well-being you have to manage is your own. Enjoy the extra “you” time—something many people in relationships envy—and use it to elevate your mood, reduce your stress, or develop rewarding new skills and hobbies.

5. You may become more resilient and confident.

Sometimes life gets tough and we start to doubt our choices and ourselves. As a single person, this energy can feel overwhelming and perhaps lead to lack of self-confidence. At the same time, you and only you are making the tough choices that must be made to survive tough times. When you face difficult choices head-on and get through them, unscathed or otherwise, you build resilience and confidence that you’re strong enough to face most anything.

All of the above, and plenty more that didn’t make the list, are reasons it’s not only good but exciting and invigorating to be single and gay. So when you feel the pressure from the world around you to find a partner and “settle down,” honor your inner voice and remember that the grass is pretty green on your side of the fence, too. Plus, you have it all to yourself.

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Compassion fatigue can be a serious occupational hazard for those in any kind of helping profession, with a majority of those in the field reporting experiencing at least some degree of it in their lives. This is no surprise, as it is typically those with the most empathy who are the most at risk.

Compassion fatigue is characterized by physical and emotional exhaustion and a profound decrease in the ability to empathize. It is a form of secondary traumatic stress, as the stress occurs as a result of helping or wanting to help those who are in need. It is often referred to as “the cost of caring” for others who are in physical or emotional pain. If left untreated, compassion fatigue not only can affect mental and physical health, but it can also have serious legal and ethical implications when providing therapeutic services to people.

While it is not uncommon to hear compassion fatigue referred to as burnout, the conditions are not the same. Compassion fatigue is more treatable than burnout, but it can be less predictable and may come on suddenly or without much warning, whereas burnout usually develops over time.

Because it can arise so abruptly, it can be important for therapists and others in the helping professions to protect themselves from this condition. Here are 11 ways to prevent compassion fatigue from happening to you:

1. Get Educated

If you know you are at risk for compassion fatigue, taking the time to learn the signs and symptoms can be a helpful means of prevention.

The most common signs and symptoms of compassion fatigue include:

[fat_widget_right]Knowing the signs and symptoms and continuing to check in with yourself can help you better prevent and manage compassion fatigue if it arises. Many people find that ranking their level of compassion fatigue on a scale of 1-10 is an effective strategy. For example, a rank of 6 might mean you are declining social invitations due to feeling drained and a 7 might be difficulty sleeping due to excessive worry about someone else’s well-being.

Cultivating a high level of self-awareness and understanding of how your 6 differs from your 7 can help you gage where you are so you can implement necessary strategies to avoid the red zone that would likely be a 9 or 10.

It is not only the work itself that poses a risk, but the person’s life conditions as well. For example, someone who is not only taking care of people at work, but also caring for a child or adult family member at home may be even more susceptible to compassion fatigue. If you are currently experiencing increased life stressors at home as well as in the workplace, prevention strategies against compassion fatigue may be important.

If you think you may be experiencing compassion fatigue, you can take a compassion fatigue self-assessment developed by the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project here.

2. Practice Self-Care

Practicing self-care can be a critical method of protecting yourself against compassion fatigue. It is not uncommon for those who are constantly concerned with the needs of others to wind up neglecting their own.

Those who practice good self-care are significantly less vulnerable to stress and compassion fatigue than those who fail to do so. A good self-care regimen will look different for each person, but it should generally include:

Making time for these self-care activities leaves less room for overworking, which can lead to compassion fatigue, said Nicole Urdang, MS, NCC, DHM, a holistic psychotherapist based in New York.

“Overworking is often at the heart of compassion fatigue and its first cousin: vicarious trauma,” Urdang said. “Taking the very best care of yourself includes setting limits.”

3. Set Emotional Boundaries

It can be especially important for therapists, social workers, nurses, and caregivers alike to set firm emotional boundaries to protect themselves. Empathy and compassion are generally at the forefront of a human services career.

If left untreated, compassion fatigue not only can affect mental and physical health, but it can also have serious legal and ethical implications when providing therapeutic services to people.The challenge is to remain compassionate, empathetic, and supportive of others without becoming overly involved and taking on another’s pain. Setting emotional boundaries helps maintain a connection while still remembering and honoring the fact that you are a separate person with your own needs.

If people in a human services career are exposed to too much trauma, they may begin to feel overwhelmed, and people may feel that overwhelm in different ways, Urdang said.

“It might manifest as insomnia, overeating, skipping meals, addictive behavior, isolating oneself, depression, anxiety, or anger. We might find ourselves fighting with partners or children, having no patience, feeling exhausted, noticing a lowered libido, unmotivated, and, paradoxically, being less interested in what our clients have to say,” she said. “Believe it or not, these are all helpful, as they quickly alert us to our depleted state. If we are paying attention and are committed to radical self-care, we can act on this awareness by rebalancing our life. If that is not possible, simply taking short breaks throughout the day to close your eyes, focus on your breath, or put your hands on your heart and send yourself some compassion can all make a big difference.”

4. Engage in Outside Hobbies

Maintaining a solid work-life balance can help protect you from compassion fatigue. When all your time is spent working or thinking about work, it can be easy to burn out. Studies have shown work-life balance is becoming more important to workers, and making time for leisure activities and personal hobbies outside of work can help lower stress levels and improve overall life satisfaction.

5. Cultivate Healthy Friendships Outside of Work

While it is great to have strong relationships with your co-workers, it is equally important to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships outside of work. It can sometimes be difficult for co-workers to avoid talking about work even outside the workplace. Connecting with friends who are not aware of the ins and outs of your work situation can provide much needed emotional and professional relief.

6. Keep a Journal

Journaling is an excellent way to process and release emotions that may arise from your line of work. Taking the time to cultivate self-awareness and connect with your personal thoughts and feelings can help prevent suppression of emotions, which can lead to compassion fatigue over time.

7. Boost Your Resiliency

Resilience is our ability to bounce back from stress. While some people seem to naturally be more resilient than others, resilience is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.

“Resilience can be thought of as the ability to adapt to and become stronger through adversity,” said Marjie L. Roddick, MA, LMHC. “It can be a protective factor against compassion fatigue, so those with higher resiliency are better able to prevent compassion fatigue. Resilience is something that can be learned, and enhancing or boosting it can reduce the effects of compassion fatigue as new coping methods are learned.”

8. Use Positive Coping Strategies

While it may be tempting to wash away the stress and emotional burdens of your job with alcohol or drugs, this can actually work in the reverse and compound stress in the long run. Consider making a list of positive coping strategies to use in times of stress. This might include deep breathing, meditation, taking a walk, talking with a friend, watching a funny movie, or relaxing in a hot bath.

9. Identify Workplace Strategies

Workplace strategies are often an important part of compassion fatigue prevention. If your employer does not currently have any in place, consider suggesting their implementation.

Some workplace strategies that have been proven to be beneficial are:

10. Seek Personal Therapy

If you find yourself feeling emotionally vulnerable, significantly stressed, or overwhelmed, consider seeing a therapist who can help you process your feelings and implement strategies to help you combat compassion fatigue and maintain a healthy work-life balance.

References:

  1. Badger, K. (2008). Preventing compassion fatigue: Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Phoenix Society’s Burn Support News. Retrieved from http://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/entry/preventing-compassion-fatigue
  2. Brooks, C. (2013, March 5). Career success means work-life balance, study finds. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/05/career-success-means-work-life-balance_n_2812707.html
  3. Boyle, D. A. (2011, January). Countering compassion fatigue: A requisite nursing agenda. The Online Journal of Issues in Nursing, 16, (1). Retrieved from http://www.nursingworld.org/MainMenuCategories/ANAMarketplace/ANAPeriodicals/OJIN/TableofContents/Vol-16-2011/No1-Jan-2011/Countering-Compassion-Fatigue.html
  4. Mathieu, F. (2007). Running on empty: Compassion fatigue in health professionals. Rehab & Community Care Medicine. Retrieved from: http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/RunningOnEmpty.pdf

Young woman with hand over heartHow do you react when you’re in pain? Do you resist it, ignore it, or push it away? Do you get consumed by it? Would you like to learn a more healing and compassionate way to respond?

To be alive means we feel happiness, joy, sorrow, and pain. Most of us want to feel happiness and all the other positive feelings, but pain? Not so much. Pain, though, is a natural part of life. It shows up physically, such as when we’re injured, sick, or aging, or as the emotional pain of frustration, sadness, loss, or sorrow. It also arises when we’re consumed by some mind state, such as anxiety or depression.

How Resistance to Pain Creates Suffering

“Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is. The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.” —Dan Millman, author and personal development lecturer

Whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental, staying open and present to pain is challenging. What makes it so isn’t the actual sensation of pain; it’s the way we react to it. We catastrophize, worry, or ruminate about what happened, what it means, and how it will affect our future. Sometimes we go into mental gymnastics, trying to figure out how to make it go away. We use our energy in ways that are exhausting and don’t help. This only fuels the pain, morphing what might have been a temporary period of pain into a longer one.

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These reactions stop us from seeing when we’re caught in some belief or story about how life needs to be in order for us to be happy. If I’m always wanting to please others and neglect myself in the process, I can’t possibly be happy. Fearing rejection or the loss of a loving connection can keep me engaged in behaviors and patterns that are unhealthy and hurtful.

They can also show up as addictions, distractions, or unhealthy mind states, including:

Can you see how these patterned ways of reacting to pain can create deep suffering?

So how do we help ourselves?

How Resistance Manifests

The first step is to become aware of when and how we’re reacting/resisting pain. I like the way Christopher Germer, a clinical psychologist and author, describes the resistance that shows up when emotional pain arises. In his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, he describes the series of internal dialogues that occur when a pain is present as follows:

“I don’t like this feeling!”

“I wish I didn’t have this feeling.”

“I shouldn’t have this feeling.”

“I’m wrong to have this feeling.”

“I’m bad!”

Have you found yourself reacting similarly? Did it intensify the pain?

When we get stuck in these reactive cycles, we cut off from the very source that helps us heal and reconnect with life.

Moving from Reacting to Responding

The practice of mindfulness, and specifically self-compassion, helps us soften the resistance. We stop trying to escape, control, or ignore the pain and instead open to it. Staying present, we begin to investigate, through the practice of nonjudgmental awareness and kindness, how our body reacts to pain (tightening/tension); how our thoughts are affected (fear, anger, aversion); and what emotions are in need of attention and loving acceptance.

This pausing to connect is a pivotal moment, one where we’re shifting from reacting to responding. Deepening our exploration, we can practice the following steps:

This is a powerful, transformative, and healing approach that helps us stay present to the pain and challenges we all face in life. Most of all, it helps us stay open to all of life’s joys and sorrows—and that is what makes life worth living.

May you live with ease and peace.

Mother enjoying nature with her daughter and babyThere are few events in life that are as transformative as becoming a parent. So many aspects of your life—your identity, the dynamics with your partner, your sense of control (or lack thereof)—change in ways you can’t possibly imagine or emotionally prepare for. In these ways, having a second child is far less transformative. Nonetheless, there are aspects of having a second child that are novel and unpredictable, and the transition can be quite disruptive to the family system, particularly in terms of its impact on your firstborn.

Fortunately, despite the many disruptions and unknowns, there are some things you can predict about having a second child. Preparing your first child for the arrival of your baby, and yourself to handle issues as they arise after your baby comes home, can greatly help. If you can find ways to include your child in preparations for the baby, set aside time to spend with your child after the baby arrives, set firm limits with your child (particularly around aggressive behavior), and tolerate your feelings of guilt (and your child’s feelings of anger), you may help ease this transition and create an environment of safety and reassurance for your family.

How Can I Prepare My Child for the Arrival of a Sibling?

Unless you are face to face with one, “baby” is a pretty abstract concept, particularly for a child. Before the baby comes home, one of the few concrete manifestations of this concept is pregnancy (assuming the birth mother is part of the family). Children can have very different reactions to watching their mother’s belly grow. Some worry about the health of their mother; others feel alienated and uncomfortable with their mother’s changing body; others still may feel protective toward their mother.

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As a mother, reassuring your child that you are OK and explaining the growth of the fetus along the way is one way to help make the whole baby thing a bit less mysterious and scary. There are also several age-appropriate books that show the growth of the fetus and the journey to birth that you can read to your child.

If you are adopting or using a surrogate, you may not be able to follow the process of pregnancy in vivo. Nonetheless, there are several other ways for adoptive as well as all parents to make the arrival of a second child more concrete for firstborn children.

The more you can share with your child the concrete steps needed to prepare for the baby’s arrival—picking out a crib, buying diapers, etc.—the more real it may feel to your child, and the greater sense of ownership they may have (“It’s my baby, too!”). It’s also a good idea to discuss with your child what is going to happen when you go to the hospital (or, if adopting, go to pick up the baby), and any changes that may affect your child’s schedule (“Grandma is coming to help take care of the baby”). Children need routine and predictability. The fewer surprises and changes to their schedule during this time, the better.

This might also be a good time look at your child’s baby photos with your child, to remind your child they were a baby once, too, and to plant a seed for identification with the baby (“The baby is going to be like me”). You may also want to read your child some books on babies—what they do (eat, sleep, and cry, mostly) as well as books on being a big sibling. Using photos and books as a springboard, you may ask your child about any feelings your child is having about the arrival of the baby, both negative and positive. Given how abstract the birth is at this stage for your child, do not be surprised or disappointed if your child does not wish to discuss or cannot discuss their feelings yet.

What Can I Expect My Child to Feel After the Arrival of the Baby?

Imagine this: Your partner comes home one evening and announces that, as much as they love you, they have met someone new they also love, and this person will now be moving in with the two of you. For many children, the arrival of a younger sibling feels much the same, at least at the beginning. Children typically feel a bit stunned initially, and then start to feel some anger (along with other, positive feelings) toward the baby and/or you.

What Will I Be Feeling After the Baby Comes Home?

Well, imagine that now you are the one who brings home your new great love to live with your partner. How do you think you’d feel toward your partner? Guilt city! One of the hardest things about becoming a parent a second time around is the guilt. It can feel like you are destroying your child’s life, that you have done this horrible, cruel thing. When you have these feelings, it can be helpful to remember that while this transition may be rough on your child, ultimately it is gift you are giving your child (albeit one that may not pay off for a few years).

While there are things you can do to help your child with the transition and offer reassurance of your love, many children struggle with feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, etc., when a sibling is brought home. You may simply not be able to love away these feelings, which means in addition to having to tolerate a certain amount of guilt, you also have to tolerate a certain amount of hurt and anger on your child’s part. Accepting that your child might have a tough time for a while and reminding yourself (and your child) of your love for them may take the edge off this emotional burden.

How Can I Help My Child Through This Difficult Transition?

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Feeling guilty can make it difficult to know what’s best for your child and yourself. Learning to tolerate your guilt and set reasonable expectations for yourself, and spending special time with your older child while continuing to set limits, may provide the foundation for your child feeling safe and secure and for you staying grounded.

Although it may be difficult, especially at the beginning, spending baby-free time with your child can go a long way toward reassuring your child that your feelings have not changed and that you still value the intimacy of your relationship. Even if you can’t spend much time alone, set whatever time you do have aside as “special” time where you do something one-on-one, preferably on a regular, routine basis. This way, you and your child can anticipate your date in advance, which might help your child when they are feeling neglected.

If you have to leave your child to attend to the baby and your child seems upset, acknowledge these feelings (“I know it’s hard when I have to leave our game to go take care of the baby”). If your child is interested, you can include your child in helping out with the baby—diapering, bathing, etc. Feeling that they are part of taking care of the baby can be a very bonding experience for your child with the baby and give your child a sense of ownership and responsibility for the baby. There can also be a “well, if you can’t lick ’em, join ’em” quality to these activities.

You may find that there are certain times of the day when your older child becomes more jealous or angry, times such as bath time or bedtime, when your child is used to having all the attention focused on them. Consider alternating care with your partner or caregiver so that you can spend some time with your older child.

Breastfeeding obviously makes this more difficult. Even if you can’t change your behavior at these difficult times, you might give your child a heads-up beforehand (“Hey, I have to feed the baby in a few minutes, and I know that’s a hard time for you”) and, if the child is old enough, ask if they have any ideas about how to make it easier.

How Do I Handle Negative Behavior in My Child?

Children have different ways of handling their negative feelings regarding the arrival of a younger sibling. Some children seem totally happy, but might start regressing in some aspects of their development, such as toilet training, becoming more dependent, showing signs of separation anxiety, etc. Some children may be very sweet with the baby but get very angry with the parents. And, of course, some children may act aggressively toward the baby.

Regression

Regression during this phase is normal. Many children do not feel ready to give up their status as baby or young child. Others see how much attention their baby sibling is getting and want some of that. To a large extent, regression is a call for attention. As such, if you are able to tolerate the regression without focusing too much on it, and give your child positive attention where possible, this behavior generally passes relatively quickly. If your child wants to pretend to be a baby and crawl around and cuddle in your lap from time to time, why not? To some extent, all of our children, no matter how old, are still our babies, and need this reassurance from time to time. Telling our children that they have to be “big kids” now may very well feel like a withdrawal of love or attention.

This is not to say you should allow your 4-year-old to go back to wearing diapers. However, when saying no to your child, you might want to offer an alternative activity, such as being rocked in your lap, etc., that allows your child to regress and feel loved in that special, nurturing way.

Anger at Parents

Some children start to express aggression toward their parents when a sibling arrives, such as hitting, temper tantruming, or acting out in other ways. The tricky part here is that because parents often feel responsible for or guilty about their child’s anger, they find it hard to set limits.

While it is important to be empathic with your child during this time and make some allowances for how difficult this period might be for them, setting firm limits when your child is acting out or being aggressive is still very important, as much for the child as for you. No child wants to feel like a monster or feel out of control.

Anger at the Baby

If there is one activity that sweeps away our guilt over having a second child and gets us in touch with our anger, it is witnessing our child acting aggressively toward our baby. Evolution has hardwired us to protect our baby, and those instincts need to be heeded. We must protect the baby from harm, first and foremost. This means making it clear to our child that aggressive acts—hitting, pushing, shaking, etc.—will not be tolerated.

When children are acting aggressively toward baby siblings, their intention generally is not to harm the baby (though maybe getting the baby to cry would be fun). The issue is that children simply do not always know what is safe. Our job is to teach our children how to be safe around the baby and how to express their anger and resentment in other, more appropriate ways. Limits must be implemented firmly in the area of baby safety.

Feelings-wise, though, when children say they hate their baby siblings, our role is not to tell them they do not hate the baby or that it is not OK to hate the baby, but to acknowledge their feelings and help make the feelings less scary. If “hate” is not a word that you are comfortable with, you can always mirror back to your child, “You are really angry at the baby right now.” If your child says they want the baby dead, you can restate it as, “You really don’t want the baby here right now!” In this way, you are both validating your child’s negative feelings (all feelings are OK) and making those feelings less scary. Your child will learn that although there are moments when they do hate the baby or wish the baby was gone, these are just feelings, not actions, and they will pass and change over time. It is rare for siblings to love each other without hating each other at times, or at least having some negative feelings.

Reading books to your child is another great way to help children express their negative feelings about a younger sibling. When my second child was born, my older child, then 3 years old, could not get enough of Julius, the Baby of the World by Kevin Henkes (1995)—a book about, well, a child who hates her baby sibling … at least at first.

In Julius, the Baby of the World and, for the most part, in life, siblings do come, over time, to love each other (and sometimes even like each other), and your gift of a younger sibling to your older child will become just that, a gift. In the meantime, if you can hold tight and tolerate your and your child’s tough feelings, spend alone time with your child, and maintain firm limits, you will be well on your way!

GoodTherapy | 'You're So Impressionable' Isn't the Insult You Think It IsWhen I was a child, I heard a phrase that stuck in my memory: “You’re so impressionable.” I mulled over this phrase, trying to understand its meaning. One thing that was clear was that it was a criticism. It was wrong to be impressionable—to allow others to influence you, affect your behavior, change your mind. If you were deemed impressionable, it meant you were weak, you had no personality of your own, and you were easy prey for others to manipulate.

These seem like legitimate concerns. Clearly, there are dangers in being too impressionable, too easily swayed by others’ opinions or actions, and unable to choose for yourself. Heed the parental warning: “If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you jump, too?”

But we mustn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Just as every coin has two sides, so does being impressionable. There are positive attributes to being impressionable that should be encouraged. The ability to allow people, ideas, and experiences outside of ourselves to make an impression on us is also a gift and a skill.

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It’s a gift when a person can read an inspiring quote and become inspired. To be susceptible to the powers of a good movie or book to alter our perspectives on an issue, a person, or even ourselves is growth. Art has the power to alter our view of the world in very positive ways, if we allow it.

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

Being impressionable doesn’t only lead to changing our beliefs, but also to changing our behaviors. The truth is human beings were designed to be impressionable. We are supposed to pick up the clues, from our families and society, which show us how to behave so we’ll be safe and socially accepted. But why stop there?

The world is full of people who have learned things we could all learn, enjoying things we could all enjoy, behaving in ways that would benefit us all. Whether it’s learning compassion from Mother Theresa or the joy of baking from Martha Stewart, the more we let others influence us, the fuller we get.

Years ago, I observed with awe as my friend Lorraine moved through a room full of strangers, greeting people warmly as if she were the host. It was amazing to see people respond to her, sometimes welcoming and sometimes dismissing, while she floated through the crowd unfazed by rejection, enjoying herself. This presented a new way of behaving for me. I usually just chatted with the one or two people I was with. I admired her freedom and playfulness. She took me for a lap around the room and I got to experience firsthand what it was like to be that friendly and engaging. Ever since I have attempted to incorporate her behavior into my own.

In therapy, I often see people who experience depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. The scale of what is influencing them is imbalanced. Fear, self-criticism, and negative beliefs are being listened to as if they’re gospel. Positive beliefs, on the other hand, such as hope, love, and beauty, are banging on a locked, steel door, hoping to be let in. These people would benefit greatly from becoming more easily influenced by positive messages in their lives.

There is no denying that life can be difficult. In life, there is both pain and fear. But there is also no shortage of beauty and inspiration surrounding us. To become impressionable to beauty might allow the sunlight, caught in a raindrop on a leaf, to spread the warmth of happiness through your chest, like sipping a warm cup of tea. Hearing a beautiful piece of music might reignite your faith in humankind.

Those inspiring quotes on Hallmark cards, Facebook, or Pinterest might actually be speaking to you. And they just might serve you better than the fear and loathing in your head.

feet on slack line in woodsLiving with anxiety can be exhausting, frustrating, and painful. Frequent anxiety symptoms may be robbing you of sleep, joy, and/or confidence. However, there is much you can learn and benefit from when it comes to understanding anxiety. In fact, anxiety works to your advantage in some significant ways. Identifying anxiety and exploring how you relate to it may help you uncover some of your most significant strengths and useful skills.

Here are seven ways anxiety can actually be a good thing:

1. Anxiety may make you smarter.

A person who tends to be anxious may also naturally be highly intelligent. Anxious people can be incredibly good researchers, critical thinkers, and analyzers. In addition to naturally tending toward higher-level intellectual processing, anxiety can also teach you to be smarter as you go through a process of learning more about it. Building a better understanding of your anxiety can help you learn to explore options consciously and problem solve calmly. That skill improves both your mental and emotional intelligence.

2. Anxiety is rooted in your need to protect yourself.

Fear is designed to keep you safe from danger. Anxiety is an adaptation of that vital and fundamental fear response. Sometimes anxiety will tell you that the worst is true (perhaps getting you to believe that everyone dislikes you or that someone is determined to harm you). However, paying attention to that uneasy feeling can help you stay connected to sense of self-preservation.

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You can think of anxiety as an annoying friend with good intentions. This may help you learn when to take back the control to stop anxiety from dictating many of your thoughts and actions. You may start to notice your anxiety response sooner, allowing you to make conscious decisions about whether there is danger and how to best take care of yourself.

3. Anxiety directs to you whatever needs your attention.

It can be healthy to temporarily distract yourself from anxiety to gain perspective, but if a thought or situation causes anxiety repeatedly, your mind and body are likely trying to tell you there is something needing to be addressed. It may also give you a sense of what you truly care about and want to take action on, even if it may be difficult to do so. Anxiety can direct you to see that something about a situation is too important to ignore. A therapist can help you learn how to give a situation attention without it needing to be anxious attention.

4. Anxiety directs you to finding your deepest core values.

Noticing what you fear is a gateway to discovering what you truly value. We feel a form of anxiety when we see someone being bullied or harmed. We feel anxiety when a person says something that seems dishonest. This response doesn’t have to mean we are predicting the worst possible outcome; it is a vital radar to show us what is right and wrong for us. To fully eliminate anxiety would be to eliminate discernment and self-awareness.

5. Anxiety can help you discover your fullest potential.

Many people who have a form of anxiety are chronic overachievers. Anxiety is often used as a tool to help you push yourself to your limit of achievement. The downside is that there are often negative meanings attached, such as not being good enough or not valuing rest. Often, anxious overachievers have difficulty saying no, trouble completing tasks to their liking or knowing which tasks to prioritize, and issues trusting or working with others.

Using anxiety as a means to “motivate” yourself can only work to a certain extent. Looking at the amount you accomplish even with the negative pressure of anxiety, imagine how much more you could do if you felt focused, calm, and fulfilled by the tasks you accomplish. Anxiety can give you that glimpse into what your body and mind are able to achieve, even under great pressure. You can achieve things with more focus and fulfillment by working with a therapist to let go of the negativity that anxiety can bring.

6. Anxiety provides the energy necessary for taking action.

For many people, anxiety doesn’t inspire over-achievement but instead a perceived inability to take action. Does anxiety ever leave you feeling paralyzed, unable to move forward? The good news is this stress response can work to your benefit.

Does anxiety ever leave you feeling paralyzed, unable to move forward? The good news is this stress response can work to your benefit.

The energy that fuels anxious thoughts and behaviors is giving you what you need to take action and get unstuck. By not taking action, the energy is just getting bottled up inside you with nowhere to go but in circles. A mind spinning in circles or a body that fidgets or panics is stifling the energy of anxiety. Taking action can channel and alleviate that pressure, and the stress response can help you have the energy to do that.

Especially for someone who struggles with depression in addition to anxiety, training the body and mind to take small actions using that energy can provide healing over time—for example, using that energy to take a walk outside or to start a conversation (rather than playing it out repeatedly in your mind).

7. Anxiety can teach you to find balance in life, whatever that may mean for you.

Practicing responding to anxiety in purposeful ways can guide a process of finding balance in every aspect of your life: work and play, social time and personal time, rest and activity, etc. Anxiety gives clues to wherever your world may be out of balance.

Taking charge of your relationship with anxiety may be the most rewarding thing you do for yourself. You can prove to yourself what you are capable of by learning to consciously respond to your anxiety rather than allowing it to control you. This process can help you develop incredible acceptance, confidence, and leadership abilities. Find a therapist to guide and support your efforts and accomplishments.

Waiting room in an officeThere are many different types of residential treatment centers (RTCs) that offer therapeutic care for a wide variety of behavioral and mental health issues. Choosing a center that is suited to your personal needs is important; however, with many options available, making a decision may be difficult. How can you decide which RTC is right for you? Consider these answers to ten frequently asked questions about RTCs, as well as insight from Darren Haber, MA, MFT, an expert on addictions and compulsions.

1. What is a residential treatment center?

A residential treatment center is a health care facility that helps people experiencing various substance dependency and behavioral issues. For some inpatient treatments, residents may be required to live at the facility for a period of time. Some facilities also offer outpatient treatment to help former residents avoid relapse and to provide options for people who cannot commit to living at the facility temporarily. In most cases, treatment lasts for one to three months.

“[The] average stays tend to be 30 days, but some stay longer, and some shorter. Thirty days seems to be the industry norm,” Haber said.

2. What are the most important things to look for in an RTC?

Check and confirm that the RTC and any programs you wish to attend are accredited and the treatment programs are being administered by licensed, qualified mental health professionals. Ask if the program has a clinical director and about his or her credentials. Learn as much as you can about the treatment center you’re considering through third parties such as the Better Business Bureau, online reviews, and any local consumer protection agencies. If you need it, ensure that an active aftercare program is in place to help prevent relapse.

3. What type of issues do residential treatment centers treat?

Because different RTCs specialize in treating different health issues, the structure, routines, and therapeutic methods used will vary from facility to facility. Some centers take a “lock-down” approach where residents are secured within the facility’s premises and their movements inside the center are restricted. Other RTCs may take an unlocked approach and allow residents to traverse the premises with some degree of freedom; however, residents may only be permitted to leave the center if certain conditions are met.

In recent years, the residential treatment field has expanded. At some centers, everything from substance abuse to sex addiction to codependence may be treated. There are also centers that focus solely on substance abuse or eating disorders, for example.

Issues treated at an RTC may include:

It should be noted, too, that some RTCs specializing in mental health treatment may not provide therapeutic care for substance dependency issues.

4. Why do people go to residential treatment centers?

“Usually because their condition or problem has reached the point where it needs containment—that is, 24-hour medical or psychological monitoring due to harmful behaviors or medical problems—and has become so acute that it requires an acute, sustained focus,” Haber said.

5. What kinds of services are provided by RTCs?

Residential treatment centers offer a variety of services, which may include 24-hour supervision, intensive recovery programs, individual counseling, group counseling, structured activities, educational services, social skills training, vocational training, and relapse prevention services.

6. What are the benefits of a RTC over other forms of treatment?

The environment in a residential treatment center is usually more comfortable than the sterile, functional setting of a hospital. The residents are able to focus solely on their healing and recovery programs as they are removed from the stresses of daily life.

Some treatments, such as chemical detoxification, may be life threatening. For those cases, RTCs provide trained medical personal to keep residents safe during such treatments. Residents also have the opportunity to explore the emotional and psychological underpinnings for their behaviors in counseling sessions with a qualified mental health professional.

“Some people also go for legal reasons, such as being ordered by a judge after a DUI or DWI, for example. Usually one goes to an RTC because living life day-to-day has become unmanageable or to the point where one’s well-being, job, or close relationships are threatened,” Haber said.

7. What is the experience of being a resident at a residential treatment center like?

“It’s really what the client or patient makes of it. Anyone who participates to the best of his or her ability can potentially gain much and grow and learn tools for lifelong use. If one has been forced in by family but doesn’t believe, for instance, that one truly has an issue with alcohol or addiction, it can feel almost like jail,” Haber said.

8. How can families or friends keep in touch with residents?

“It depends on the policy of the residential treatment center. Some encourage family contact and some don’t. Some RTCs prefer those in treatment wait until their detox is over, or that the person in treatment only meet family members with counselors present. I believe this is a crucial part of treatment that can easily be overlooked, since dysfunctional family systems often play a crucial role in the formation of the illness or addiction,” Haber said.

9. Are there any RTCs in my area?

With the number of treatment facilities currently providing care across the country, chances are there is a residential treatment center nearby. However, it is important to remember that your chances of recovery may be better if the chosen facility is well suited to your personal preferences and specific health condition.

10. How much does treatment at a residential treatment center cost?

“Some people also go for legal reasons, such as being ordered by a judge after a DUI or DWI, for example. Usually one goes to an RTC because living life day-to-day has become unmanageable or to the point where one’s well-being, job, or close relationships are threatened.”The cost of treatment at a residential treatment center will vary based on the condition being treated, services provided, length of treatment, and the location of the center. For example, The Betty Ford Center, one of the most well-known rehab programs, charges approximately $1,217 per day for inpatient alcohol addiction treatment at their Rancho Mirage, CA location. Other locations may charge more or less, and some may not offer a per-day rate. Most locations develop a program based on a person’s individual needs, which can drastically affect the cost depending on medication or other requirements.

Some facilities may be able to offer a sliding fee based on a person’s income, while some may be low or no cost. Others may offer luxurious settings and amenities. The types and costs of RTCs simply vary. If your personal health insurance covers residential care, even the more costly facilities may become affordable. Call your insurance company for more information regarding your covered benefits if you are in need of inpatient treatment.

References:

  1. The Addiction Recovery Guide. (2015). Drug and alcohol addiction recovery. Retrieved from http://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/treatment/residential
  2. The American Residential Treatment Association. (n.d.). Types of programs. Retrieved from http://artausa.org/type_programs.html
  3. Federal Trade Commission. (n.d.) Residential treatment programs for teens. Retrieved from http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens
  4. Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation. (n.d.) Addiction treatment specialties. Retrieved from http://www.hazeldenbettyford.org/treatment/locations/betty-ford-center-rancho-mirage
  5. Mental Health America. (n.d.). In patient care. Retrieved from http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/patient-care
  6. National Institute on Drug Abuse. (n.d.) Principles of drug addiction treatment: a research based guide. Retrieved from http://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens
  7. Smith, M., & Segal, J. (2015). Choosing a drug treatment program: What to look for in substance abuse rehab. Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/choosing-a-drug-treatment-program.htm
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