Why do people we care for sometimes engage in cruel behavior? What can we do about it?

Alfred Adler believed the ultimate goal for all human beings is to belong and feel connected to others. Unfortunately, when a person doesn’t find connection with others through kindness and good deeds, they become discouraged and feel inferior to others.

Adler said no one can tolerate these inferiority feelings, and so they over compensate by striving for superiority. One way to strive for superiority is to become a bully. Bullies who band together with other bullies in order to strengthen their sense of belonging are called gangs, terrorists, mafias, and racists.

Understanding Cruelty

Learning theory explains cruel behavior as being modeled. If a child is treated with emotional or physical abuse, the child learns to act that way: “monkey see, monkey do.” So a person, the child who has experienced being treated cruelly, learns to be cruel.

Still another reason for cruel behavior may be mental illness. There are some mental illnesses that manifest themselves with angry outbursts, violence, a lack of empathy, or difficulty understanding the impact of one’s behavior on others. There are also medical conditions, like brain injuries or Tourette’s syndrome, which can feature aggressive outbursts as a symptom.

There are a number of other theories that can explain cruelty, including genetic inheritance. Darwin thought behavior is related to survival, so violence could be seen as adaptive to our very survival—or violence may in the end be the reason humans ultimately fail to survive.

Responding to Cruelty

We can’t change another person’s actions, but we can change our own reactions. Here are some typical reactions to cruelty:

• Retaliation
• Anger and outrage
• Defensiveness
• Fear
• Avoidance
• Passive-aggressiveness
• Self-blame
• “Walking on eggshells”
• Lowered self-esteem
• Attempts to please

These are natural responses, but they never work to stop cruelty. In fact, any of the above reactions can make cruelty intensify. So what can we do to stop cruelty?

We can do as Rudolf Dreikurs said and “separate the deed from the doer.” A person who engages in cruelty engages in unacceptable behavior, but that does not mean the person is unacceptable. That does not mean we chastise, admonish, and punish the person. If we believe in Adler’s theory that all people have a thirst to belong, we can make an effort to accept the person while not accepting cruel behavior. We learn to be more inclusive and forgiving .

We have to feel good about ourselves when we hear cruel things. If we like ourselves enough, there’s no need to get defensive when nasty things are said. We can react as if it’s untrue nonsense that doesn’t deserve an ounce of our negative energy. If someone tells me my hair is pink, which it is not, I don’t have to argue. I may make a joke of it or say, “Thank you, pink is my favorite color!”

We have to take a stand against cruelty. No one deserves to be treated cruelly. It takes two people to fight and only one to stop it. Be the person to stop the nastiness. Refuse to fight. Say “I’m not going to fight with you,” and physically remove yourself.

We must tell ourselves over and over and over again, “I deserve to be treated kindly.”

Does knowing the source of the cruelty help stop the nastiness? I’m not sure. What I do know is that if we want cruel people to stop their behavior, we have to look within and change our own reactions to this heartlessness.

You look terrific today. I love what you’re wearing. You have such a nice smile. I like the sound of your voice.

Many people would rather eat a broccoli-flavored Popsicle than be on the receiving end of a compliment. Are you one of them? How did you feel when you read the previous paragraph? Receiving compliments – and also giving them – is hard when self-esteem has been injured. Low self-esteem tells us we’re just plain not good enough. And we imagine that if we can see it, so can everyone else.

If I believe I’m a dull and boring person, I will assume that you agree with me. So if you tell me that you think I’m fun and interesting, something feels very wrong. Either you’re being nice to spare my feelings, you don’t know me very well, or you’re just plain lying to me. Any way you slice it, your compliment makes me uncomfortable! (more…)

Play is serious business!

–Caitlin ‘Cake’ Gateaux

I was asked by the US Play Coalition research committee to collect personal statements about ideas and beliefs that are connected to the question, what is play?

How we define play and its value is shaped by many personal, historical, and cultural influences. Darell Hammond, in his recently published book, KaBOOM! How One Man Built a Movement to Save Play, writes about the reality of a play deficit in our communities. He calls on those of us who recognize the value of play (and there aren’t enough of us out there, he says) to take action steps that will lead to a greater recognition of play’s value while brightening each child’s life and create playful communities for all ages no matter where we live. (more…)

Simply put, when it comes to traumatic experiences, there is no hierarchy of pain. Many survivors believe—or want to believe—that trauma is scalable and therefore more or less extreme than that of someone else. While this belief is understandable and does offer some benefits, it is ultimately more flawed than accurate.

For many life events as well as emotions, it is possible to create a hierarchy and use it to determine if event/emotion A is more or less than event/emotion B. One can look at happiness and stress to see how this scaling occurs. For example many would agree that receiving the perfect gift on your birthday falls below the happiness you feel on your wedding day, while the stress you go through on your wedding day exceeds the stress you have on your birthday. This scalability can add perspective, meaning, and depth to happenings that are within the realm of ordinary, expected, and standard.

Yet trauma lies at the utmost extreme of human experience; for the individual, there is nothing ordinary, expected, or standard about it. The severity of trauma, the danger, horror, and fear involved cannot be compared—regardless of what the content of the traumatic occurrence was. Regardless of how much or how little was endured, all traumatic experiences lie within the category of utmost extreme. Therefore, creating a hierarchy of traumas is not possible, since every trauma is an extreme life event. Once something is extreme, ranking its extremeness is a futile exercise.

Phrased another way, trauma is trauma; how you sustained a traumatic event does not alter the fact of the trauma. Imagine for a moment, a gorgeous glass vase, which becomes shattered; how this vase shattered—by wind gusting through an open window, a child bumping the table the vase sat on, or you dropping it while changing out the flowers—is of no import to the shattered vase.

Many survivors of traumatic life experience(s) find comfort and protection in maintaining the belief that because he or she did or did not experience certain components in the traumatic event(s), then the trauma is less than someone else’s. And, if it is less, it is a minor, even inconsequential moment in time that does not need to be acknowledged, let alone healed through. Despite the apparent protection that this belief brings, sustaining it prevents you from engaging in your healing, and healing is the only means by which to detoxify trauma.

In addition to blocking your healing journey, this belief robs you of self-compassion. The reason this belief precludes compassion, is that compassion requires reckoning. This belief prevents you from truly acknowledging and owning your hurt, pain, and suffering. It is only after acknowledgment has arisen that the second component of compassion can come forth: turning toward distress. This turning toward allows you to potentially alleviate your pain. Self-compassion not only validates your wounds, but it also opens a deep reservoir of gentleness. Holding and extending gentleness toward yourself, as well as regarding yourself through a compassionate lens, provides you with unshakeable stamina to engage in as well as endure your development into a thriving post-trauma individual.

Believing in a hierarchy of human suffering and pain seems to grant you peace as well as protection, but in the end it shortchanges you out of the health and wellbeing you have an inherent right to. Feel free to slowly begin letting go of this belief and replacing it with a more accurate acknowledgment of your past, and while you do this, aim to grow compassion as well as gentleness within yourself. If you want or need a compassionate guide to help you through, know that there are many qualified professionals who believe in your inherent right to compassion, gentleness, healing, and growth who can and will assist in this undertaking.

Many people curb their nervousness with a nice glass of wine or other alcohol beverage. Whether you’re gathering the courage to socialize with people you barely know, fly on an airplane, or even if you’re just feeling worried about the future, alcohol can help loosen inhibitions and dampen self doubt and fears.  While you may feel more relaxed temporarily, using alcohol to tame your anxiety can backfire in the long run.

Immediate Effects

Even though you may be feeling calmer after the first one or two drinks, your body is processing the alcohol and the physiological effects can actually trigger feelings of anxiety. Alcohol can negatively impact blood sugar levels each time that it is consumed. Research has shown that the body responds to alcohol by increasing insulin secretion, causing low blood sugar and also impairs the body’s hormonal response that would normally be able to normalize blood sugar levels. Drinking as little as two ounces of alcohol on an empty stomach can lead to very low blood sugar levels. Low blood sugar levels can cause dizziness, confusion, weakness, nervousness, shaking and numbness, all of which can mimic the symptoms of anxiety, or even trigger an episode of anxiety.

Alcohol consumption can also cause dehydration. Alcohol is a fairly strong diuretic, meaning that the body loses water by producing an increased amount of urine. Symptoms of dehydration include dizziness, muscle weakness, lightheadedness and nausea, again, all of which can mimic symptoms of anxiety, or induce anxious reactions related to the fear of being ill.

Alcohol consumption has a sedative effect on the body. It is a drug that depresses the central nervous system. Immediate effects are a sense of euphoria, decreased inhibitions, and lessened anxiety. However, over time the chronic use of alcohol could result in tolerance, dependency, and damage to many organs of the body including the brain, liver, and heart.

Longer Term Effects

People with anxiety are up to three times more likely to have an alcohol problem or other substance abuse than those without anxiety. It takes increasingly larger amounts of alcohol to achieve the same effects, leading to alcohol dependence. Long-term alcohol use can have multiple negative effects on the body and aggravate existing anxiety.

Recent studies have shown that heavy drinking or long term drinking stresses the body and causes it to have higher levels of the stress hormone, cortisol. Cortisol is necessary in short term stress situations because it helps focus alertness and attention, but cortisol also suppresses bodily functions such as wound repair, bone growth, digestion, and reproduction. Chronically high cortisol levels therefore interfere with these important processes in the body. Alcohol use also depletes the body of vitamin B6 and folic acid, which the body needs to help cope with stress. Long-term exposure to alcohol reduces the levels of the GABA-benzodiazepine receptor in the central nervous system and reduces the brain’s ability to calm the mind and the body and cope with anxiety in the long run.

Serotonin is a chemical in the body which is needed for memory, learning, and especially for feelings of ‘wellbeing”. Drinking alcohol can temporarily boost serotonin levels, therefore making you feel happier, but in the long term, excess alcohol can actually lower serotonin levels, and therefore either causing or exacerbating depression.

In another recent study, researchers found that high anxiety levels in humans are related to a deficiency in an important protein called CREB, which is needed by the amygdala, the area of the brain where emotions are processed. The amygdala is important in calming anxious thoughts. The study results showed that drinking alcohol boosts the CREB levels in the brain and therefore lessens anxiety, which helps to explain why so many anxious people us alcohol to self-medicate. The good news is that there are other, healthier ways to naturally raise CREB levels, such as getting regular exercise and listening to music. Some antidepressants can also help raise CREB levels also.

So, even though using alcohol is an easy, short term fix for anxious feelings, you’re not doing your body or your mind any favors by self-medicating with alcohol. Learning to manage anxiety (and naturally boost your CREB levels) in healthy ways such as through exercise, music, and expressing creativity is possible.  Psychotherapy can also be very helpful. In fact, research shows that psychotherapy is usually the most effective long-term treatment for anxiety disorders. Therapy treats more than just the symptoms of anxiety. It helps you discover the underlying causes of your worries and fears.  In therapy, you’ll learn to relax, perceive and interpret situations in new, less frightening ways, and learn better coping and problem-solving skills. Through therapy, you learn the tools to overcome anxiety and how to use them effectively.

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
-Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.

Many of the partners or loved ones (POLOs) of those struggling with addiction often seem reluctant to get help for themselves. I’m not sure why that is, but I’m hoping this article provides some answers.

These beleaguered folks are often fixated on the behavior of the loved one who struggles with drugs or alcohol (or other compulsions). Of course, it’s hard not to fixate on rampantly destructive behaviors. It often seems as though families where addiction is present are always struggling to either avoid or deal with addiction’s collateral damage (financial, emotional, professional, etc). I’m coming to the conclusion that because the behaviors surrounding addiction are so darkly magnetic, a constant pull on the family’s attention, it may be hard to understand why focusing on oneself is important. (more…)

When we describe the relationship between mother and infant, we understand that baby and mother are one. In that symbiotic relationship, there is merger. There are not two separate selves with their own subjectivities who are relating to one another. (One’s subjectivity is the unique way in which we perceive our self and the world.) Our selves and subjectivities develop as we grow from infant to child to adolescent to adult.  When two people come together with their subjectivities, they are relating as two different people. When the processes of separation and individuation have been problematic, the development of one’s unique subjectivity is impaired. The ability to consider someone else’s subjectivity is also not developed. This makes relationship difficult. When a self is undeveloped in a relationship, there is no “other” to connect to.

Ken has been married for 15 months to Ellen. They met when he was finishing law school and she was teaching at the local high school. Ken loved her. She was smart and pretty and Ken was excited about making a life with her and starting a family.  Ken was an optimist and nothing seemed more wonderful to him than the thought of their future together. It came as a shock when Ellen told Ken that she didn’t want to be married to him any more. She said it was nothing about him, but that she was just not as happy as she wanted to be and thought they should end the marriage. This was what Ken told me when he came to see me for therapy. (more…)

This article contains detailed information and accounts of suicidal ideation & behavior. If you or someone you know may be considering suicide, get help now.

To continue to discuss the very different types of experience people have with depression, this is one that most people don’t experience, but is important to address, since some do. Suicide is not in this case a tool to get people to do or feel what the suicidal person wants; it’s simply the ultimate way to make unrelenting emotional pain stop.

I believe people’s experience of the emotional pain of life varies tremendously. Some of this is due to genetically influenced brain chemistry and resilience, but much of it is due to how much trauma and emotional hurt, loss, injustice, abuse, and other painful experiences people have experienced. We have beta endorphins in our brains to numb pain and create euphoria, so we can handle both physical and emotional pain. But people are born with varying amounts and life events can influence our supply as well. For people with very little of this chemical, life is much more painful. (more…)

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AHDH) is viewed as a neuro-developmental disorder throughout the world. Most cultures recognize that it presents chronic symptoms that cause dysfunction and is a condition that should receive treatment. Although there is some international consensus regarding ADHD, the methods and prevalence of treatment vary greatly from one country to the next. A recent study examined the tolerance and treatment protocols for ADHD in ten different countries, including the United States, Norway, the United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Australia, Canada, Israel, Germany, China and Brazil. The researchers assessed historical data, educational attitudes, costs, treatments, diagnoses, and stigmas relating to ADHD within these ten countries and discovered that there were significant variances. Most notably, the differences were not in the prevalence of ADHD or cultural factors, but rather in the definition of the disorder and the treatments provided. (more…)

Each of us has our own unique identity made up of a combination of personality traits, personal and family history, and other attributes. But what happens inside when an identity is not celebrated by a person’s community?

In Stigma: Notes on the Management of a Spoiled Identity (1963), author Erving Goffman uses the term “spoiled identity” to refer to an identity that causes a person to experience stigma. For Goffman, “stigma” describes the experience of moving through life with an attribute that is deeply discrediting. This attribute divides people into those-who-are-normal and those-who-are-not, thereby making those-who-are-not less worthy. Spoiled identities include racial minority, ethnic minority, sexual orientation, gender, sex, and religious identities, body size, and visible and invisible disabilities. (more…)

A new article reveals that most teens that struggle with depression do not receive treatment. Each year, almost 2 million teens report having experienced an episode of major depression. However, only 30 percent of them receive treatment for the symptoms of anxiety, sadness, guilt and irritability. The findings were revealed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, in an effort to raise awareness at the severity of mental health issues in children. The study indicated that nearly 15% of teens had considered suicide in the previous twelve months, and the findings hope to help discover which children are at greater risk in order to implement the proper interventions and therapies to prevent injuries and death.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that 4,400 American adolescents and young adults commit suicide annually, and another 150,000 receive treatment for self-injuries. The Center confirms that the majority of children who take their own lives had a diagnosable and treatable mental health condition and often exhibited symptoms in the months leading up to their suicide. The study also revealed that children who reported symptoms of depression were more likely to engage in addictive and abusive behaviors involving drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. The report targets these children specifically in order so that professionals “can turn a life around and reduce the impact of mental illness and substance abuse on America’s communities,” said Pamela S. Hyde, an administrator for the agency. (more…)