If you’ve ever been lucky enough to spend time with a pair of friends who both enjoy a healthy self-esteem, you’ve noticed how positive their relationship tends to be.

High-self-esteem friendships have the following qualities:

• The relationship is based on mutual affection and respect.
• Competition is low and support is high.
• Interactions are positive more often than negative.
• Disagreements don’t put the friendship in jeopardy.
• Apologies are heartfelt on both sides.

High self-esteem always includes esteem for others, too. Unlike arrogance, conceit, egotism, or self-centeredness, which are sometimes mistaken for high self-esteem, authentic self-esteem celebrates our shared humanity. People with genuine self-esteem make those around them feel good.

Since it promotes connection and closeness between friends, high self-esteem friendships are nurturing. The bond of self- and other-esteem makes both friends feel safe and comfortable.

Unfortunately, safe and comfortable is not how people feel when their self-esteem is injured. In fact, those with low self-esteem typically operate on a perpetual setting of unsafe and uncomfortable. You might think this would mean that they would leap at the chance to be friends with people with high self-esteem, because the high self-esteemers could help them feel safe and comfortable for a change.

This is not what happens.

What happens is that people become friends with those whose self-esteem most closely matches their own. So folks suffering with low self-esteem tend to attract others with the same problem. Similarly, like that old saying, “The rich get richer,” people with high self-esteem stick together. Here are these lucky people who already enjoy the pleasures of high self-esteem, and they get to have nurturing, satisfying, close relationships with their friends.

Meanwhile, those whose self-esteem has them constantly questioning their own worth, feeling unsafe and uncomfortable in relationships, stick to what is familiar by having friendships in which they can never feel truly safe and comfortable. By safe, I’m talking mostly about psychological safety rather than physical safety. But regardless of the kind of safety, we all seek familiarity. If we grew up feeling unsafe and uncomfortable, we’d keep getting drawn into situations that help us stay with what we know—in this case, lack of safety and comfort.

If this sounds at all familiar to you, here are some tips to help you break the cycle of unfulfilling friendships and low self-esteem:

Try not to take disagreements personally. If your friend doesn’t agree with you, or has a strong opinion that’s different from yours, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong, or even that he/she believes you’re wrong. It’s just as likely that your friend is worried that he’s/she’s wrong, and his/her strong language is just a mask to hide that fact. Refuse to feel smaller than your friend. Try not to be too sensitive to what he/she says.

Take the risk of losing the friendship if necessary. When you are continually stood up, ridiculed, or criticized, take the risk of letting your friend know how you feel, and why. If they value the relationship enough to change how they treat you, you’ll have improved your friendship. If they don’t have enough respect for themselves or you to respond appropriately, you will not have lost anything when you walk away.

Do not put up with verbal abuse. Create a boundary that is fixed, firm, and final, and share that boundary. For instance: “If you make a remark about my body one more time, I’m going home.” Be prepared to have your boundary tested, because it will be. Make sure you follow through with exactly what you said you would do, 100% of the time. If you don’t follow through, you must accept some responsibility for the treatment you continue to receive.

Realize that having a friend is not always better than having no friends. The best friend you have, or should have, is you. Yes, it’s a cliche: Be your own best friend. But like all cliches, it’s based on something true: as long as you’re there for yourself, you’re never alone. Having a friend who brings you down instead of building you up is more harmful than having no friends for a while.

Explore the possibility of sharing more of yourself. Sometimes our relationships are psychologically safer than we realize. That is, with some friends it might actually be okay to let our guard down a bit, and share your more intimate, vulnerable sides.

• If you normally listen rather than talk, try talking about how you feel to a friend with whom you feel comfortable.
• If you normally talk about, but don’t typically show, your emotions, try showing them.
• Allow your tears to come if they want to.
• Don’t stop talking when your voice shakes.
• Let a friend see you sweat when you’re nervous.
• Notice when you’re not being yourself around your friend.

You are normal. You are okay. You’re interesting and valuable exactly as you are. There is nothing wrong with you. Look to your friendships to help convince you of these things. Lose or change those friendships that don’t.

It seems that most couples struggle with criticism, though some tolerate it better than others. Nevertheless, criticism of, or from, your partner will happen periodically. This post provides an alternative way to manage criticism that may help sidestep defensiveness. Here are some common options when we want to be critical of our partner:

1. Keep our mouths shut, and say nothing. Besides, we all were told that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything, right? (This one probably fell in to the category of “do as I say, don’t do as I do.”)
2. Provide unvarnished criticism, regardless of the impact it may have on our partner, and ultimately on the relationship. If it leads to defensiveness, an argument, a fight, so be it, just deal with it.
3. Sugarcoat it, water it down, either because you can’t deal with your reaction to your partner’s reaction to your critical remark, or you want to protect your partner from his/her feelings that surely will arise from being criticized. (“You can’t handle the truth!”) Maybe there is an alternative, an option that satisfies both sides of a chronically thorny equation: On the one hand, how to get your point across without selling yourself out, while on the other hand lowering the odds of running in to defensiveness.

Enter the complaint. Sit alongside that of criticism, let us compare the two, see how they differ, and why it matters. A complaint is about the one complaining, and a criticism is about the other, the listener. Or, the complaint is about me, and a criticism is about you. Take a guess as to which one will usually be easier for the listener to hear: the complaint. Why? A complaint is not about the listener, and therefore tends to lower the risk of listener defensiveness.

Not only that, if I’m talking about me (instead of you) I have a much better chance of being understood. The goal of transforming a criticism into a complaint is to increase the odds of the speaker being heard and understood, while simultaneously reducing the odds of the listener being defensive. Ultimately, the goal of the process is to preserve the closeness and intimacy of the relationship.

Consider the following vignette: On long road trips, the majority of the driving is done by the same partner. One of the difficulties for the passenger is that the driver tends to speed—we’re talking about 90 mph to 95 mph versus the limit of 75 mph. They have never had an accident, nor a speeding ticket, but they are constantly bickering about the speed and the danger. The driver doesn’t understand what the “big deal” is, and the passenger doesn’t think the driver cares about the passenger.

The passenger criticizes: “You are the worst driver ever! For you, it’s all about the speed and the thrill! You have no respect for the fact that you might get us both killed!  And one of these days you will get a ticket—it’s only a matter of time! You have no respect for what it’s like being a passenger when you’re the driver! Nobody likes the way you drive!”

In this case, there is a lot of accusation, attack and judgment, while focusing on the driver/listener.

The passenger complains: “When you drive 95 mph, I feel so scared! I’m am so afraid of speed, that I literally sit in sheer terror when I look at the speedometer, and when I see us pass other cars at what feels like warp speed! And when I tell you how I feel about all of this, it seems to me it doesn’t matter to you. Please understand I am not telling you what to do or not do, I am telling you how I feel and why. After this last trip, I am going to have to re-think whether or not I can drive with you on long trips. I may have to fly and meet you there.

In this instance, the main focus is the passenger, feeling states, and possible decisions about future travel the passenger might make based on experience. There is no attack, judgmental attitude or accusation.

Re-read each one again. The main difference between them is that the critical one is all about the driver, and the complaint is all about the passenger. Bottom line, which way would you rather hear the speaker? No doubt, some of you who are less conflict averse will prefer the direct criticism, or at least might not be derailed by it. Others may want to hone their skill of complaining.

And by the way, complaining is NOT the same as whining! Complaints require that you talk about yourself, not your partner. Complaints are NOT “I” statements. Complaints are descriptive statements about your experience which, indeed, may contain the word “you,” such as, “… when you drive 95 mph I feel scared!” The purpose of the complaint is to detail your experience, make it real for the listener. While generally not responding favorably to demands, listeners do tend to respond more favorably to hearing the speaker’s experiences and behavioral changes the speaker makes in response to their experiences.

Why? Because when I become aware of the impact of my behavior on you, I can then access empathy or compassion for you. That often results in behavior change because ultimately I do not want you to feel bad. On the other hand, while being criticized, which is often experienced as an attack, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to simultaneously feel empathic. Attack triggers the fight or flight response, not the compassion response.

Is it possible to be critical without attacking? Certainly, but it takes couples working out a system they can both agree on, practice, become comfortable with, and trust. In the meantime, try developing the art of the complaint. Remember—it requires you to talk about yourself, take responsibility for yourself, while not attempting to change your partner.

As the New Year begins, we think about resolutions. Though couples may have resolved to have a better relationship, resolve their differences, have less conflict, it occurred to us that we don’t really “resolve” issues in relationships.

“Resolving” connotes the process of solving a problem or difficulty, finding an answer, making a decision, bringing a disagreement to an end. Though we certainly do solve problems, make decisions and conclude conflicts with our partners, we never fully finish. Most couples have chronic issues that they continue to dialogue about during the lifetime of their marriages. Actually, our relationships are in a continual process of “evolution,” growing healthier and stronger or becoming weaker and more fragile. As 2011 gets off to a start we want to share our thoughts with you about “Relationship Evolution.”

“Relationship Evolution” is the never-ending, continual process of consciously creating the head, heart, hormone connection through the ongoing actions and words exchanged between two people. (more…)

An expression I have heard many a time is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” While I agree that it’s wise to avoid venting aimlessly at someone, shared input does not have to be neutral or nice either. I don’t want to withhold valuable information because I am afraid of how it will be received.

Let’s look at an example: I often reach out to peers when I am looking for support and feedback, not only in the form of kind words, but also through honest and constructive insight and ideas. When ideas are shared in a way that demonstrates compassion and interest, I am more likely to take it in. On the other hand, when I receive feedback that is shared in a mean, sarcastic, or patronizing way, I may react to that and miss a wonderful opportunity for growth.

When anger comes into play, it’s easy to miss the message. If I can avoid feeling defensive or upset, I may be able to hear the message and respond in an appropriate way. If the other person’s anger degrades me or devalues my position, I am more likely to feel the anger, respond in kind, and miss the message.

So how do we do we best express ourselves in the heat of the moment? These situations are tough. Often times, backing out and returning to the conversation later may make it easier to be heard. Realize that when our heart rates increase, there comes a point where the chemicals flooding our bodies will overwhelm the thinking process. At such a point, we lose our ability to best express our wants and needs in an appropriate way.

If you are the recipient of the other person’s anger, and you elect to stay engaged in the conversation, be sure to really think about the message you want to convey. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself. Resist the urge to respond in anger. Your message is not yet lost. Remember that the words you are hearing and the display of anger are not your issue, but a struggle of the other person. Calmly let the person know you are having difficulty listening and may be missing the message. If you say this in a believable way, without a sarcastic or negative tone, the other person may calm down. This will probably confuse the angry person, who is likely expecting a counterattack of some sort.

It can help to agree with some point of the other person’s argument before sharing your own. When sharing your points, humble yourself. Ask if what you are trying to convey is coming out the right way, because maybe you are not doing your best. Take responsibility for your actions or statements. For most people, this candor is refreshing.

Before you start a difficult conversation, tell yourself that you will be able to successfully express your wants and needs in a positive and calm way to best be heard.  Stop sabotaging your efforts with statements like, “It won’t work,”  “I won’t be heard,” or “I can’t calm down.”  You can do this. Your calm and positive attitude has to lead the way.

Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I’ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I’ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development – literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.

We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. (more…)

Communication and trust are key ingredients in any relationship, yet are often negatively impacted by the effects of a traumatic experience.

Trust
The very nature of trauma can shatter an individual’s trust in the world and fellow human beings. A survivor’s reduced level of trust can also make communicating difficult and even damage the foundational fabric of a relationship. Many a survivor believes, “I once trusted and I got hurt, therefore I will protect myself by never trusting again.” After trauma, the world and people in general can seem to be completely unpredictable. Danger seems to be everywhere and so a survivor of trauma may feel that they can never put their guard down in order to relax, feel safe, or trust.

These false beliefs about the world—that no one, including oneself, is worthy of trust and that one can never be safe—can be clung to and reinforce each other. Unfortunately, these beliefs are often expressed via impulsive, mean, or aggressive behaviors towards the people closest to the survivor. While the individual may often feel self-hatred or shame for acting in harsh and distrusting manners, to discuss the reality of these behaviors and the impulsiveness and fear behind them would require open communication that may be difficult or impossible at the time.

Listening and Communication
Survivors of traumatic events often struggle with both expressing themselves and listening actively. Active listening requires a certain amount of concentration and can be made more difficult by the presence of  hypervigilance. After experiencing trauma, most people’s concentration levels are lower and their levels of hypervigilance higher than their pre-trauma baseline. It can be difficult, if not impossible, for survivors of trauma to process significant chunks of information, making complex or lengthy conversations a significant challenge.

In addition to a potential decline in listening abilities, people who have experienced a traumatic event often shy away from openly communicating. Open and forthcoming communication may be avoided for two types of reasons:

• The individual may want to avoid certain internal experiences. It is common for an individual to not want to experience the emotions, thoughts, or memories that go along with talking about the trauma or to share their internal distress with others because of shame about this this distress.

• The individual may want to avoid certain reactions from their listener. The survivor may choose not to share the horror of the traumatic event out of fear that the listener will become traumatized or not believe them. This fear of being toxic often silences a survivor. A survivor may worry about burdening loved ones with information about the trauma or how the survivor has been impacted. Many individuals also do not communicate about the traumatic life event for fear of judgment and rejection: the worry that by sharing information others will think that the survivor is “going crazy,” overreacting, weak, or should be “over it by now.”

Emotional Bonding
These deficits in trust also negatively impact the opportunities for appropriate emotional and physical closeness, which, like open communication, are an imperative component of any relationship. A survivor of trauma often feels emotionally dead inside. This internal deadness can prevent the individual from experiencing emotions for friends and loved ones and can make it incredibly difficult to receive care, support, and nurturing from these loved ones. Feeling and being emotionally bonded or close is not really feasible.

The absence of a strong emotional bond and the survivor’s heightened state of physiological alertness can negatively impact the physical closeness in a relationship. In a state of hypervigilance and presumption of danger, being touched can set off the person’s safety—fight, flight, or freeze—reactions. The friend or lover who inadvertently triggers the safety response by physically touching the survivor quickly learns to avoid physical contact at all cost. Unfortunately, loved ones often stop trying to connect with the traumatized individual, emotionally or physically, since it can feel like the survivor is actively rejecting the loved one.

Authors Herbert & Wetmore phrase it well when they state that, “It is usually not the case that trauma survivors cease to love the people who were close to them before the trauma, but rather that, for the present, they can’t respond to those people normally, because they have lost access to their capacity to love.” Yet an important distinction to make is that even though a survivor may not be able to feel love, they can still act in a loving manner.

The good news is that these difficulties do not need to be permanent. It is possible, through the slow work of healing,  for the survivor to relearn how to trust and feel safe, and for these disturbances or difficulties in emotional and physical closeness to recede. This slow but entirely do-able process is best engaged in with a trained professional. May those of you who are the friends and family of a trauma survivor find an extra ounce of patience and fortitude, and may those of you who are healing from a traumatic life event find validation and the courage to keep growing.

Slow down and listen.

When we communicate, sometimes we ignore what our partner is saying. Instead of focusing on our partner, our thoughts are consumed with what we plan to say next. If you pay attention to your partner’s words, and then you reflect back what you hear them say or feel, then they will feel heard. As a result, you will be on the road to a resolution of the issue. Does someone in your life, maybe yourself, constantly repeat a message over and over? It is probably because said person does not feel heard.

Try reflective listening and see if you can stop that person from repeating. “Reflective listening” means you state back the jest of what you heard or the emotion associated with the communicator’s message. Keep it short. If that is not what the speaker meant for you to hear, then the speaker will say, “No that is not what I wanted you to hear.” The speaker then repeats the statement, trying to change it in a way that the meaning can be more clearly understood. We talk and listen through our life filters. What one person says and intends to be heard may be totally different than what the receiver hears. Reflective listening is an advantageous tool because it confirms if the message was heard in the speaker’s intended manner. (more…)

When we relate to others, there are three modes we can utilize. However, most of us probably predominantly behave and communicate in one of these modes.

Submissive mode is a way of communicating that demonstrates lack of respect for one’s own needs and rights. Most submissive people do not express needs, or do so in such an apologetic and diffident manner that they are often ignored and not taken seriously. Sometimes a submissive person will think that they have communicated clearly when in reality their message was so vague and unclear that it was not understood at all.

Aggressive mode is an expression of feelings, needs, and ideas in a way that goes against the other person. It is a “move against” or “move with the intent to hurt.”

Assertive mode is a method of communication which enables a person to maintain self-respect, clearly communicate and pursue their needs, and defend their rights and personal space without abusing or dominating others. It confirms one’s right to be in the world and put forward needs, desires, ideas, and feelings.

Understanding Submissiveness
The payoff for submissive communication is that the person gets to avoid conflict. Submission is a way of avoiding, delaying, or at least hiding the kind of conflict that is very scary to some people. Most people have been trained for submission by parents, older siblings, teachers, and others. Submissive people are often praised for being submissive: they are called “nice”, unselfish, good sports. It is important to note that submissive people often “win” and control others through their seeming niceness and weakness. They get to have what they want by having the least amount of responsibility and avoiding conflict at the same time.

There is also a price for “nice.” Submissive people go along with everyone’s wishes and needs and do not call their own play. Their relationships tend to not be as intimate and satisfying as those of others: a relationship requires two people and the submissive person is almost not there. People may like and praise the submissive person who voices no complaints for a while, but eventually the other person may start to feel guilt about being selfish or taking advantage of the submissive person.This feeling can then turn into pity, irritation, and eventually anger. Submissive people themselves eventually lose affection for others because they feel a lack of fulfillment.

The thing to remember is that every submission is a repression of anger, which eventually seeps into the affection individuals may feel. Sadly, submissive people act this way in order to be loved—but that very way of being eventually creates conflict and estrangement.

Understanding Aggressiveness
The aggressive person tries to get their needs met, even at the expense of another. Aggressive communication and behavior pay off in three major ways: the aggressive people tend to get their material needs met, are able to protect their space, and seem to have control over their lives and the lives of others.

There are also several downsides to aggression. Aggressive people are very fearful: people are aggressive not because they feel strong, but because they feel weak. They tend to make enemies, and their aggression ultimately makes them even more vulnerable and fearful. Aggressive people tend to alienate people and are usually not liked or loved. This alienation is a very powerful reason to deal with this issue. Too much aggression can also have serious consequences on one’s health and creates an unsafe world for all to live in. There are many aggressive people in our society.

Understanding Assertiveness
Assertiveness has a number of benefits. Assertive people usually like themselves more than the other two types: there is a connection between the ability to assert yourself and improved self-esteem. Assertiveness usually fosters better relationships by making a person more comfortable with themselves and therefore more comfortable to be around. Assertiveness greatly reduces fear and anxiety and enables people to release positive energy towards each other. Healthy and mutual satisfaction of needs in any relationship can only occur between assertive people. The biggest benefit of assertiveness is the feeling of living one’s own life. Your chances of getting what you want out of life greatly improve if you can let others know what you want and need, as well as how you feel.

I think that a person is most likely to get what they want from life and from others by being assertive. Of  course, assertiveness doesn’t always guarantee that you get what you want and need, but under most circumstances it is still most appropriate and preferable.

Is there a price for assertiveness? Yes, there always is. Learning assertiveness takes effort and can be a struggle. It is not easy to change a habitual way of communication. It can also be very painful to communicate vulnerably and honestly what you need, want, or feel and have that lead to conflict or rejection. In order to be assertive, you must be willing to risk enduring a conflict in order to hopefully forge a more authentic, intimate, and satisfying connection.

There are times and situations when submissiveness and aggression are appropriate. The problem is when those kinds of behavior are compulsive.

A choice to work on becoming more assertive is not an easy one. But it is the only possible way to take charge of one’s life and break out of a rut of compulsive behaviors learned in dysfunctional relationships. Assertion helps people to develop the power of having and making a choice, as well as learning to respect that choice in others.  In the end, assertiveness is better most of the time.

Although communication plays the most crucial part in our relationships with the people in our lives, the average person does not communicate well. Problems with communication can lead to difficulties at work and to loneliness and distance from family and friends. Much of the work therapists do with the people we work with in therapy will involve improving their communication skills, whether directly or indirectly. I will share with you what I have learned from my practice as well as from experts that may be helpful in this task.

“One of the key elements in learning communication skills is to discover how to protect oneself adequately while reducing unnecessary defensiveness,” writes communication expert Robert Bolton, PhD. This is a very important concept to understand when assessing our clients’ communication patterns. Why do we feel the need to protect ourselves when communicating? Psychologists and communication experts point out that we are riddled with fears, most of which are learned. We often fear:

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• being judged negatively,
• failing to measure up to some imaginary standards,
• being laughed at,
• appearing stupid when we misunderstand someone,
• expressing emotion and losing control, and
• letting someone gain power over us and use it against us.

When we feel fear, communication is impaired. To avoid being misunderstood, we say nothing; to keep from losing control of our emotions, we suppress them and don’t communicate them; and in order to be liked, we say what we think others want to hear.

Several road blocks to communication are designed for self-protection, though they serve as unnecessary barriers.

Assumptions

In order to cope with fears we often make assumptions about what is going on with the other person. Though sometimes our assumptions are correct, communication can break down further when they are not. It is important to test the accuracy of our assumptions. While a speaker intends to convey one message, the receiver may perceive another. The stressful interaction that results from this misunderstanding can feed and justify original fears. As therapists, we can try to identify these assumptions in a transference relationship and test them out in the sessions in an effort to minimize them.

Insensitivity

Insensitivity, or lack of empathy, is the failure to accurately perceive the feelings of others. Insensitivity is often caused by an unwillingness to risk caring about someone else, or it may come as the result of being preoccupied with something else and not being present in the moment. Lack of awareness, poor listening skills, and the need to draw attention to oneself may lead an insensitive listener to divert the concerns of others by switching the conversation’s focus back on the listener or on someone other than the person talking. At other times this disregard for the speaker’s concerns can happen because the listener is uncomfortable with emotions that are being stimulated by a conversation. As a method for dealing with uncomfortable feelings, someone may use logical arguments and reassurances. While these may be coming from a caring place, they inevitably make the other person angry and frustrated. There are many topics and conversations that create tension and anxiety; as therapists, we need to identify these for our clients and help them stay with their feelings so that they might learn to tolerate them better. Awareness of what is difficult to tolerate is the first step.

Labeling and Judging

Labeling and judging are methods for creating mental order and gaining control over emotions. Labeling can be disabling, as is the case when communication is marked by putdowns and name calling. Judging another person can include name calling, diagnosing, and praising. Carl Rogers once said that “one of the major blocks to interpersonal communication lies in our very natural tendency to judge–to approve or disapprove of the statements of the other person.”

Providing Solutions

The final road block involves providing solutions. This can be a major road block within a highly emotional conversation. In this case, giving advice can imply that it’s not OK to express emotion and that it is necessary to enter a more rational stance. This can make the other person feel more and more angry. Offering solutions can also come across as moralizing, prying, and giving direct advice. A healthier and more effective approach is to just let the person be in whatever emotional state they are in and to move through the necessary emotions until the situation feels calmer.

Effective listening is a skill that few possess. Much of our education and training as therapists is spent on learning how to listen, and we refine this skill as we continue in our practice. It is important to start with monitoring our own listening styles before becoming attuned to our clients. Then, by by pointing out what we observe in the sessions, we can help people be present for the important people in their lives.

Fighting verbally is an integral part of any relationship. Put at least two people together in the same place for a long period of time, and they’ll fight eventually.

If someone tells you that they “never” fight with their partner—especially with a big Stepford wife smile—mark my words, they are hiding something big and oppressive underneath. “Rarely” fighting can happen, but “never” just doesn’t exist.

Why? Because relationships are crossroads of “our” needs and “their” needs, “his” needs and “her” needs, “my” needs and “your” needs. Too many needs with not enough space for all of them at the same time breeds tension and, if not dealt with, eventual fighting.

My family can illustrate this well. When our families get together over the holidays, we have the “three-day fish phenomenon”: after three days, fish starts to smell. After about three days of being together, someone will get irritated with someone else. That’s when we all look at each other and say, “The fish is starting to smell.” It’s time to separate. We work at a conclusion about the conflict, even if it means we agree to disagree, put the situation behind us as best as possible, and go home.

There’s nothing wrong with this, by the way. We love each other very well because we understand how we work and function, and especially that we’re not going to agree on everything. Family therapists call this understanding the difference between “being right” and “having a relationship.”

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself if it is more important to be right, or to have a relationship.

For example, you could continue getting angry at your partner for not saying the right thing, at the right time, to make you feel better at that particular moment (being right)—or you can understand that perhaps your partner has no idea how to do what you expect them to do, and you have to teach them. The latter is calling “having a relationship.” It requires you to open up and tell your partner what you needs. Your partner, in turn, is responsible for working on understanding this need in the relationship.

This comes up in many relationships, but more commonly for newer couples who have passed the “honeymoon” phase and entered the “work” phase of the relationship. Let me demonstrate with a fictional situation, derived from general couples issues that come up with my clients.

Ms. A and Mr. B have been in a relationship for one year. Ms. A keeps getting angry at her partner, Mr. B, because she feels that he doesn’t do much in the house while she does everything. Ms. A then becomes riled up every time she feels she is doing more than Mr. B. For instance, Ms. A feels like she always has to initiate dates because, if left to Mr. B, they’ll never have them. Ms. A feels resentful in both planning dates and waiting on Mr. B. She says things to Mr. B like, “You don’t care. It’s always on me. You never do anything for us!”

In couples counseling, Ms. A learns to speak from her heart, beginning sentences with “I.” This, in turn, makes Mr. B respond directly to her.

Ms. A: “I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I’m doing a lot in this relationship. I feel alone and hurt because of this.”

(Mr. B is forced to respond to his partner’s personal feelings and needs.)

Mr. B: “I’m sorry. It’s not my intention to hurt you or make you feel alone. I guess because you never say anything, I assume that you don’t need help, or you’re fine with the way things are.”

(Ms. A is forced to respond to Mr. B’s lack of knowing, trusting that he didn’t mean any harm.)

Ms. A: “Well, I take responsibility for that. I’ll tell you if it’s bothering me in the future, but I also need to you to share the responsibilities, too. Like, if I cook, I think it’s only fair if you do the dishes. Is that okay?”

(Now Ms. A and Mr. B are negotiating elements of their relationship.)

Mr. B: “Sure. That’s fair. I’m okay with that. Anything else?”

Ms. A: “I would really like it if we could go on a date once a month, and I don’t have to plan it by myself.”

Mr. B: “I’m not great at remembering to do that. I’m just not a spontaneous guy. But, if it’s always on the calendar, it’s a lot easier for me to remember. How about we go on a date every first Saturday of the month? Then we know it’s coming and can plan it together?”

Ms. A: “Yeah, that works. I’m up for that.”

Mr. B: “Cool.”

Granted, this example makes it look easy. In reality, it takes a great deal of compromise between the two parties to make certain elements and needs work in their relationship. Ms. A and Mr. B stopped the cycle of “being right” and moved into “being in a relationship” by working at it: speaking from the heart (beginning sentences with “I”), listening and reflecting understanding, ending with negotiating elements of the relationship, and trusting in their genuine care and love for one another. The process brought them through a tough spot and into a deeper understanding.

Relationships are both tough and wonderful. Some times it takes grunt work, but if both parties are up to it, it can be a truly rewarding experience.