Thank you very much for reaching out. It takes courage to write and ask questions about experiences you’re not sure are “normal.” You explain that you have disturbing thoughts sometimes, ideas that just pop into your brain and sound crazy and awful, and make you feel terrible for thinking of them. You’re worried these thoughts might be an indication something is wrong, since they appear in your brain without your permission. You sound like you want to understand their meanings.
First off, let me just say we all have strange, uninvited, or upsetting thoughts sometimes that seem to arise from nowhere and then simply pass through our minds. Of course, those ideas and images have to come from somewhere, and I would say they come from the unconscious. The unconscious is where dreams, feelings, emotions, and thoughts reside, in the background of our minds, but sometimes they break free of the unconscious and become suddenly conscious and it feels like they occur to us without warning. The unconscious can feel unusual, but remember it’s a source of creativity. We’re all free to imagine anything.
Often people feel afraid or guilty about their thoughts because thoughts can feel close to actions. But remember: thinking is not the same as doing.
We might see something that reminds us of something else, and a strange thought or feeling may arise. I’ll give you an example. The other day when I was in the elevator and the door opened, I saw a person standing in the lobby of my building and had a funny feeling. It was like I had seen this before, almost as though this had happened already—déjà vu, if you will—but the scene actually reminded me of a dream I had the night before. I had forgotten the dream until then, and remembering it made me feel strange. I was in the realm of my imagination for a moment, a bit out-of-reality while I remembered the dream. I was living briefly both in my imagination and in the real world around me. My unconscious mind and my conscious mind were seemingly in cahoots. It felt odd and scary.
Although you don’t say this directly, I have the suspicion you might not just feel odd but also guilty about what pops into your mind. Often people feel afraid or guilty about their thoughts because thoughts can feel close to actions. But remember: thinking is not the same as doing.
It is interesting to try to figure out how the human mind works. The examples you mention include violent actions—hurting others, hurting yourself. It might be helpful to consult with an expert in how the mind works to see what is bringing these types of thoughts to the foreground at this time. Is something happening in your life, something to do with work or love or friendship that is bothering you, perhaps even without your knowing it? Have these feelings been occurring to you for a long while? Weeks? Months? Longer?
Working with a therapist might help you understand your thoughts better and also feel comforted. You won’t be alone. You seem to feel alone in what you experience, and having someone on your side might alleviate your anxiety and help you get to know yourself better, too.
Thanks again for writing. I wish you luck, happiness, hopefulness, and most of all peace.
Take care,
Lynn
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