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How to Deal with Loneliness in a Relationship When Your Partner Is Autistic

How to Deal with Loneliness in a Relationship When Your Partner Is Autistic

October 31, 2019 • Sarah Swenson, MA, LMHC

Loneliness can be one of the most painful experiences in a relationship—especially when the relationship is neurodiverse. If you love your partner but still feel unseen, unheard, or emotionally distant, you are not alone. Many couples face this challenge, and understanding its roots can be the first step toward healing.

While loneliness can occur in any partnership, the dynamics in neurodiverse relationships bring unique emotional and communication challenges that deserve special attention.

Understanding Loneliness in Neurodiverse Partnerships

Many people experience occasional loneliness in relationships, but the loneliness in a neurodiverse partnership often has unique characteristics. Friends may reassure you by saying “that’s life” or “marriage is hard,” but these responses can dismiss what makes your situation different.

A person in this situation may feel guilty or wonder if they are making too much of the problem. They might try to convince themselves that things are fine—until the longing for emotional connection grows too strong to ignore.

How Autism Can Impact Emotional Connection

For some in neurodiverse relationships, deep loneliness becomes a constant presence, not just an occasional feeling. It may wax and wane, but it’s always there—woven into daily life, much like a wedding ring on your hand.

Autistic and neurotypical partners can both feel lonely, but for different reasons. A neurotypical partner may crave affective empathy—emotional attunement and validation—while an autistic partner may respond with cognitive empathy, offering solutions rather than emotional comfort. Neither is wrong, but the mismatch can create feelings of being unseen or unsupported.

Over time, these differences can lead to frustration, hurt, or even withdrawal from the relationship. In some cases, both partners feel equally isolated.

Common Causes of Loneliness for Both Partners

Communication gaps: Different ways of interpreting emotions and intentions
Mismatched needs: One partner seeks emotional reassurance while the other prioritizes practical solutions
Chronic stress or fatigue: Emotional distance can worsen when mental and physical resources are low (fatigue)
Self-blame: Both partners may feel they are failing the other
Depression and low self-worth: Persistent loneliness can lead to depression and negative self-talk

Strategies for Bridging the Understanding Gap

One of the most effective tools for working with neurodiverse couples is psychoeducation (learn more). This involves exploring both the autistic and neurotypical experiences—not to label one as “better” but to understand similarities and differences.

From there, couples can:

Learn each partner’s communication style and needs
Make the implicit explicit—clearly stating expectations and emotional experiences
Develop strategies for expressing affection and empathy in ways the other partner understands
Practice nonverbal communication (read more)
Build trust through small, consistent actions

When to Seek Professional Support

If loneliness is leading to ongoing resentment, emotional withdrawal, or repeated conflict, it may be time to seek outside help. A therapist experienced in neurodiverse relationships can help partners:

Translate and interpret each other’s communication styles
Rebuild emotional connection
Develop realistic expectations for the relationship’s dynamics

You can find a qualified therapist who understands both autism and relationship challenges.

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

How do you help couples navigate neurodiverse relationship challenges?
What strategies can increase emotional connection when communication styles differ?
How can we each better understand and meet the other’s needs?

The Path Forward

Every relationship faces challenges, but in a neurodiverse partnership, understanding and acceptance are the keys to a deeper connection. A neurodiverse relationship will never be entirely neurotypical or autistic—it will always be uniquely yours. By learning to navigate your differences, you can deepen your connection and create a partnership that honors both individuals.

You don’t have to navigate this alone—working with a therapist experienced in neurodiverse relationships can help you and your partner build mutual understanding and emotional closeness. Find a qualified therapist on GoodTherapy today and take the next step toward a stronger, more connected partnership.

Find a therapist

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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81 comments
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mentsh
November 3rd, 2019 at 8:32 AM
I have a friend dealing with this, and I have tons of sympathy for her situation. However, I wish there were more articles and resources available that discussed variations, like where the wife is neurodiverse and trying desperately to be what her husband needs but always coming up short. What about autistic loneliness? There’s so much emphasis on the neurotypical’s loneliness, and I get that’s the more visible perspective because NT wives talk to their friends and social media and therapists about their pain because they understand how to go about seeking that kind of support. But those of us on the spectrum, we don’t have those kinds of support systems. Even when we do reach out for support, people typically don’t understand us or we can’t connect emotionally or the blame gets placed on us. But our loneliness is real, too. The pain from the constant disconnect and misunderstandings and ableism is often intolerable, but rarely acknowledged. Where are the resources for us? Where is the compassion? Where is the understanding that helps us figure all this out? It’s not that we don’t have empathy for NT pain, it’s that the empathy so rarely goes both ways in relationships between NT and ND. Especially in the ND population, you find such a high prevalence of variations on gender and pairings and types of relationships (friendships, families, work) that are confusing and painful or just plain impossible. Please talk more about those. Please stop taking the easy way out with the emphasis on the stereotype and engage with us where are, in all those many diverse variations. I’m reading because I’m looking for answers and trying to contribute to finding solutions. I’m not some cold, distant, empathy-less monoton with no compassion for how hard it can be to be in relationship with me. I care too. But I don’t have viable solutions, partly because most of the effort goes into the one scenario people think of…the clueless autie husband with the lonely NT wife.

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Anonymous
November 13th, 2019 at 10:13 PM
I am suffering from trauma can u provide me ? and Which type of Therapy ?

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Beth
February 2nd, 2020 at 6:21 PM
Yes, yes yes! You nailed this problem in two parts: where are the neurodiverse wife stories, and where is the empathy for aspies’ equally valid ways of being in the world?!

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lotus
November 4th, 2019 at 5:09 AM
I am dealing with this stark reality now and quite confused and feels defeated in the amount of effort to understand, and just at the point of self-diagnosis and trying to figure out what to do in the mixed emotional state of guilt, shame, wanting to hold on to self sanity, he just disappeared. Trying to reach out for help so we can figure out if a NT spouse is even the best option to support him through his self discivery before figuring out if staying as a couple is even a viable option after this.

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Nohope
November 12th, 2019 at 2:30 AM
Great article.This is my reality. Eight years and it doesn’t get much better. Loads of neurodiverse counseling. Lots of strategies. It’s a hard and lonely path and I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone. I know it could be worse though, so I am grateful that at least I can get away even though sometimes I wish I could rest and be at peace. I wish I didn’t have to live such a restless life to escape the agonizing ever present loneliness, isolation, miscommunication, object obsessions and gaslighting. My soul is exhausted.

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JJ
November 25th, 2019 at 10:38 AM
I completely understand. After years of seeking, 2 out of 3 of my children were diagnosed with Aspergers/Autism. I’ve known for a long time my husband is Aspergers- although he refuses diagnosis and is not willing to discuss it. It is heartbreakingly lonely. The emotional pain being surpassed only by my family who was abusive in every way imaginable. I cut off ties to my family 26 years ago and can see why I chose the husband I did- he seemed emotionally “level”. I had not idea what that would play out like…a NT/ND marriage that is terribly painful and lonely. I completely understand.

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Nohope
December 4th, 2019 at 3:03 AM
I’m so sorry that you have three aspies in your life after growing up in an impossibly abusive home. I will pray for you for strength and hope. We need hope. We need to believe that God cares and there is hope.
Mia
September 15th, 2023 at 7:57 AM
I’m so sorry to hear that. I am a NT wife, with ND husband. I read a comment that said, it doesn’t get better after 8 years. That hit me hard. I love my husband, I love his baby side. I chose someone like my father, who is autistic (although I was not aware). My husband now knows he has Asperger, and became more understanding. But, I still feel lonely while he focuses on his obsessive interests. I feel I lack companionship and feel fatigued and exhausted. I often feel like a care giver of a child, with lack of a healthy adult emotional connection. I love him but for the sake of my mental health. Idk.

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NANI
November 15th, 2019 at 8:34 AM
LOVE IS HEAVEN, THERE IS NO EXCHANGE EACH OTHER.

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Rose
February 7th, 2020 at 7:42 PM
I have been dating a man that was just diagnosed with autism. He always made good conversation with me and was very kind. Over time I noticed certain habits, routines, and hid his anxiety that seemed to rule him. Our arguing got so bad I don’t even know how they started sometimes. If I said a certain word that threatened him, he would focus on the one word and attack me verballey to the point I thought I was with a crazy person. I started to feel lonely even when I was around him and I would try to express this but he could not understand why I would say that. I always was there for him and who would continuely abandan me or not answer his phone etc. I tried so hard to understand. I always felt he lost interest in me.

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s.
May 14th, 2020 at 8:43 AM
Hi-i need help at least tell me im not going crazy or so overly sensitive or so needy
im 50 yo successful professional. smart , athletic, close family , i raised my 4 children after i got divorced who are all now grown and successful and happy , im actually an empath in all liklihood , and i love and need deep connection and also have adhd which has been diagnosed forever and i take vyvanse which changed my life and took away much of my depression and anxiety . everything seems great on surface , then i met pam. i feel so hard for her. she seemed great, warm, kind, wanted some deep level of intimate communication, family around us ,our children ,, future grandchildren, etc. we were giddy and planning our future life. when i met pam she was going through a divorce and i helped her emotionally and through many other aspects. she was also a high level executive and we traveled a ton together we traveled everywhere and loved traveling and being together . i love and am so use to having deep meaningful conversation as i have 3 highly highly successful sisters who also are close to empaths, deep communication including why we do things, fight, about our parents. all these converations were have as main tpoics or factors our unconscious , early relationships with our parents , freud, etc. high level, deep, multidimensional discussions always which i love. little by little my relationshIp w pam started to show funny things. she had a ton of work friends but no real friends which she complained about, she was constantly on late. not 5 minutes but 30 -45 minutes, was always on her social media, which was part of her biz, but i mean always and obsseively like her phone. 1000s of intagram and facebook followers/ friends but really no close friends. she had traveled so much when her kids were growing up she had strained relationshps with them, and couldnt understand why. they were also semi empaths and would tell her how she was selfish and and never around and how they hold it against her, but she never got it and defended her position saying i made play dates, i was at their schools for events, i was home alot, etc, the kids were smart as was she so their was a disconnect. also, i slowly started to piece together the few relationships she had in her life with “best friends.” they all worked for her and in each case the relationship blew up and ended badly and the friends turned on her and ended up hating her with vitrolance. also, and this was where things really fell apart was her traveling. she travelled non stop and when she was away i would never here from her or sporadically, even though she was always on er fone and social media. when she would come home she was happy to see me but never any excitement in meeting or anticpatory excitement in talking about seeing each other when she came back in fact somtimes we would wait 3, 4 5 days to first get together bc she had plans for work, each night, which was also a constant thing. we discussed all of this many many many times, but nothing helped and it seemed like although she listened and got it, in the end it was if we never had the coversations and the actions would always continue on the next trip… no or limited communication. we had huge fights. i told her that i had never met anyone as selfish as her and she was so self centered it was destroying us. i began to get so lonely and isolated. i talked to a few friends and my sisters and and started to feel i was going crazy, i wasnt strong bc i should be able to deal with this better and not be a baby , i was so insecure,and on and on..somtimes in a 3- 4 week period i would see her 4 days sporadically and talk maybe 2x a week on the phone. the phone was another huge problem. from the beginning of our relationshp we could barely speak on the phone bc she was so awkward on the phone. calls were stilted and i had to carry the entire conversation. she asked the same questions each time and time asked questions of any depth or to me showed any interest other then cursory interest of me , my family, our or my or her family dynamics or otherise. the fights continued and carried over into our in person lives together bc i was angry due to feeling so isolated, her consistent refusal to see any of her actions , me feeling gulty about blaming her always and getting mad, on and on. i use to ask her point blank things such as the following
– why are you dating me you dont seem to like me or miss me ?
– are you dating somebody else bc you never want to see me or appear interested in this relationship?
but her actions many times didnt match the meaness, selfishness, cruelty of a narcissist , who i began to read about almost obssessively. she actually was a kind and seet person in many ways. she planned great trips together, had a great engagment dinner for my oldest ( voluntarily ) , always told people i was her boyfriend ( i know it sounds childish but it was so swwt), we would always hold hands, sit next to each other at bars and restuarants wherever we went, sleep so close and hold each other and the sex which was crazy good at the beginning morphed into being really good but also very intimate and loving ( more by me in the loving department).. i used to joke that i was the “girl” and “touchy feely “one in the relationship. im 6 feet, 185 lbs, rugged and “tough”by any standard. i lowered my standards of what level of intimacy and communication we would have and things got better but not so much. i was always alone and underneath it still angry at times and felt i couldnt talk to people a but it bc it was embarrassing and i was a baby or that one might think she was having affairs and i wasnt seeing it. she was not . i also started to become in the bigger picture much less self confident, more insecure and my interests started to fade .i actually developed so much doubt i asked a friend of mine i am missing something, is there something so wrong with me either in intelligence, looks anything that i have missed and is staring me in the face for years and noone would tell me . also bc pam didnt get along with my sister and her w pam, it led to a huge blow up with one of my sister who was my best friend and who i confided in for most of my life to the point we no longer talk. pam hated her and i took pams side, pam was very jealous of her and my sister felt pam took me away from her. everything generally in my life became weird and relationships strained. CO-19 (“CO”) hits and pam and i are seperated as shes with her kids and and my kids come home and im with them. we dont see each other but talk on the phone. i begin though to think more about my relationship with pam and questioning things and start to pull away from her in my mind. i start to speak to her less on the phone and a few thing s happen that because of the time on my hands i start to really focus those items by themselves and in terms of pams prior actions and our relationship. 1. my mom dies, we have a fi=uneral on zoom and pam does say shes so sorry and is rthere anything she can do. but all of this seemed very perfunctory and cold and she didnt bother to ask if she could sign into the funeral. she never discussed after that how i felt or anything with any meaning or depth how my moms death effected me, which was ok bc i didnt expectit from her and i had other friends who fled my emotional intimacy needs pam couldnt. ugh. 2. one night she called me and we talk for 2 minutes and i say, im so upset worried and sad about x, y and x and z and havent been this down in so long. pam is silent for a minute, and then says oh its 858pm and the ___ news show starts now can i go/ i can call you after. all in a childlike seeking permission way without meaness. i say sure problem. and she goes. i didnt get upset though bc im use to this and being at home with a slower than normal work pace which has has really calmed me down. but that was typical of her. nothing mean whats everi n her motiveor actions, just pam. i start to think that most things and resposes to emotional questios from mr=e to her and her emotional responses to events seem almost canned, rehearsed and very surface level and fake in a way. duing this time pam makes efforts to call me etc and asks to meet me in the city which i nicely say no and tell her essentially im worried about getting CO 19, but its really bc i dnt want to see her. Then pams business implodes and she goes into a deep depression and out of blue says “i need time” “im going in a different direction” a few texts or emails which were clipped and to the point but as usual stilted., and that was that.all conact cut. an email or text that she was evaluating her life and who she was and she loved me so much but that was. i was pretty upset and felt hurt and couldnt believed after all this time, and energy and care, love etc i put into this relationship and the enerrgy she seemed to put in to it and all of the times and plans we made for the future it was over and she could vanish like that. poof. looking for an answer i started to read on the internet more about narcs but as i indicated earler while it seemed at first she was a narc bc of what i percieved to be her extreme selfishness and self centeredness, the more i read about narcs it didnt feel that she was one. she really wasnt mean and was in many times very sweet and kind. then remembered my friends sister, who had been diagnosed as having asp and she was highly successful at a large fortune 500 co and was such a smart and kind person. so i typed in are there similarites btw symptoms of asp and narcissism and boom…omg. i started reading obsessively for 2 days everything on line and talking to people who know this are. it was an epiphany. it explained pam and so much of her actions and my reactions. a few major themes
1. i realized how amazing pam was. she had risen to the top of her field and was lauded as an industry leader .but the effort and hiding and imitating it had taken her to accomplish this was beyond comprehension. its so hard to believe. i dont think anyone really knows in her business that she may have asp. she must have studied people to see how to react in a myriad of situations which also explained her responses to my very personal over the years emails to her expressing love or other deep messages and her response of ” i read your email dozens of times and it means the world to me” she didnt get it but knew in a odd way how to respond ( sort of)
2. the world had been very cruel to her. it expained her depression and anger and feeling of going home to her snooty home town for HS reunion and feeling vindicated at having a better life ($$$$) than the mean hs click group of girls who tormented her, but at the same time still feeling alone and isolated as she couldnt fit in then or now
3. it was liberating to me. i feel free now of really bad thoughts discussed above abt myslf and her, but also like an idiot for not seeing this for years and sort of wasting my time , but not really bc she was great in so many ways and we had so many fun times and much closeness in a way, which she might have “faked” for my benefit. but either way it all made sense now.

4. i realized she was not mean nor selfish . i was asking her to be the girlfriend and person “I” needed. she tried so hard to please me . its heartbreaking to think of, but she couldnt. she must have been so frustrated and felt no matter what she did she couldnt get it right. it is so beyond sad i am constantly on the verge of tears for the last few days. i was so mad and wanted her to love me the way i needed to be loved that i totally missed the way she showed me her love. ie planning trips, giving a party for my daughter, getting to know my children, planning a honeymoon for my daughter.
i feel so bad i feel. i just never knew….
4.i want to talk to her , hug her, apologize to her , tell her i just didnt understand and i was the selfish one not her and that i understand so much now about her , her life our relationship etc but i dont think that will ever happen as shes gone and gone totally silent on me and im pretty sure i will never see or speak to her speak her again as i feel she said its over in her mind and thats it, done fini. logical and reasonable. i will not show up at her home nor call or email again because i want to respect her wishes for space and time and clearly dont want to harass her. in my last ea]mail though, i did without specifically mentioning asp say explain how i now understood so much, that she was not selfish and was very kind and nice , that i loved her and now understood how really remarkable of a person she was ( which she knew anyway i thought she was remarkable as i told her many times) and how i got so much more now how difficult her life must have been and really cruel people were to her. in response she emailed me that she recieved it, shes read it dozens of time, no words in them goes unheard and they mean the worlds to her. ‘ all sweet but canned responses which someone else could have told her what to say. i have no idea.futher i dont know if she understood what i was saying. so im thinking that is the way we will end things and thats it. sad but no choice. i have no idea but guess by going dark, she feel better bc she settled things in er mind and has already moved on and forgoten stuff and has no pain, which if that is the case thats good enough. but its pretty much a puzzle and so strange and a bit confusing and hurtful after 3 years to end our relationshp like this w no goodbyes finality just done…
4. in any event bc i am sensitive and after reading articles about relationships btw aspis and neuro – typical people, it sounds as if even if we were to get back together and worked really hard in therapy it would still feel very lonely and emotionally unfufilling for me and probably not good for her. is this scenario common?
5. does she know she may have asp? could she not know? do her kids know that this may have caused the problems in their relationship and she is not selfish?
.6. should i say anything to anyone or even her explicitly as it may help herand give her some peace and explanation for much of the harder parts of her life and help her navigate going fwd?? she sees a therapist but says that she never understands what the therapist means
7. anyway, the “breakup” and my even reading about asp has all occured in the last 4 days or so, and im glad it happened and its best that it did but leaves alot of open questions and i am wodering does this story sound off the wall? can anyone relate to this? im so at a loss for answers and not even sure im asking the right questions just totally confused including maybe my entire thought process is wrong andf that there is no connection w pam and and asp and its all a rationalization by me. can anyone provide any thoughts?

thank you
please note if the reference to asp or a person ” having it” or anything like that is offensive know it was not meant to be and i am not sure of the proper way to d=say things as its all so know to me

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wife
September 15th, 2023 at 8:03 AM
First year of marriage with ASD husband, he used to have frequent meltdowns. I’m talking twice a week. He would meltdown if I ask questions, like “How are you feeling” or “What dream did you have?”. He told me he has no clue and waking him up from a dream changes his routine and plan. I also would struggle to change plans. On our way to a hike, I got hungry and stopped at subway. That whole day was affected and arguing , simply exhausting me. Also, he would have intrusive comments that are inappropriate, like talks about his ex. I did not want to hear about these things at all. I thought after I get through first year things will get better. But the weight from the first year carried forward, and I simply am tired. I told him I need my space and he says I do not love him. He is very dependent. The more I write, I feel I am crazy to put up with the situation longer. I am not happy and hard part is, idk if I ever will be

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Katherine
August 31st, 2020 at 12:37 PM
I am responding to Mentsch. You may be a unique variety of Aspie, who truly is looking to understand the NT ways of processing and loving. This is by nature not available to most on the spectrum as part of the state of autism is a processing that does not include or duplicate others, it is in the wiring. Also, the reason why so much of the books and blogs deal with the terrible illness and loss and suffering a NT partner incurs with the rejection and the anger directed at them, is because it happens mainly in that direction. NTs are not hurting an Apsie by walking away , or by ignoring them, or by not hugging them or by never telling them that they care. Being left alone is great news for an Aspie, its HOW they want to process, they want to be left alone most of the time, and not talk and not hug…always more than the NT. Aspies are not feeling lonely, they are feeling misunderstood and frustrated, even by those who actually understand them, but they can’t often duplicate that they are understood because that would be duplicating an other. Which is also exhibited by your reaction. Here is a site helping to bridge the gap between two neurodiverse people who love each other and your reaction, is oh, yeah, but what about us!? That is the nature of the spectrum, always feeling misunderstood. BTW – There are sites and books to help you understand each other and NTs. Also Aspies don’t typically want to communicate and often don’t want to communicate feelings other than frustration, so they are less likely to write the books and the blogs or even to visit them. It is very hard to feel unusual in the world (even though NTs feel that way too) and very hard to not understand it or that one fits in (even though NTs feel this too to a much lesser degree), so if you are an Aspie and can help NTs understand you, then write a blog or a book, there are some and I have read them all, and they are helpful. But usually on these forums I see Aspies saying basically “what about us?!” …which is what happens in the relationships too. Which is why the NT can be lonely, as the NT has to mainly try to understand the Aspie, as the NT can understand others, the Aspie, per autism, is mainly trying to always feel understood – NOT to understand the others.

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Nohope
September 1st, 2020 at 1:15 PM
Katherine, thank you. Aspies want to be understood but apply nearly no effort towards trying to understand others. It’s mostly blame shifting, gaslighting, shutdowns, meltdowns and defensiveness. I’ve read from the few aspies who have published as well and have found their insights quite helpful. If aspies want books and posts about their perspective and how they can help and support their NT partners, they should write these books and blogs. I’m willing to write and read NT and AS materials because I want to understand and increase congenial relations.

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Rose
September 24th, 2020 at 4:57 AM
Blame shifting and gas lighting seems to be a constant battle. A conversation to explain what hurt me turns into how I am hurting HIM and why am I saying the things I am saying…Healing can never be acheived…I have to just be a play mate to this male adult and then he is happy.

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Tom
October 8th, 2020 at 7:39 AM
I’m a male NT and have been with an ASD woman for 4 years. One of her focuses is relationships and no one would ever suspect she’s autistic. I certainly didn’t know until it was too late. But I divorced a malignant narcist after 15 years and fell immediately into this life. For me, the gas lighting, blame-shifting, and total lack of emotional intimacy has made trust impossible. And therefore, our relationship is a failure and hopeless. We bought a house together and we blended 4 kids from our previous relationships. I need to end it. But I can’t bear the idea of starting over for a third time and putting the kids through another loss.

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Barbara
November 3rd, 2020 at 9:54 PM
I’m married to a man for nearly 44 years with ASD traits. It took me near 40 years to learn what was going on. My well being has been compromised and continues to be challenged. I have been denied of my emotional needs and desires, no affection, no connection. I’m drained, pained and lonely! His love language is” Acts of Service’., which does not take the place of what I yearn for.

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Jane
October 7th, 2023 at 12:01 PM
Barbara I totally understand. I have been married to a man for a long time and only recently had a lightbulb moment about the possibility of him being ND. He has refused to speak to a professional/therapist and I must weigh up my options. It is depressing and frustrating to realise that all my optimism that he would realise the impact of his lack of communication, affection, empathy and emotional support on me and could change and has now vanished. I realise that we will never be able to have the close, mutually supportive relationship I have so long wanted. I am emotionally exhausted and drained, frustrated, short-tempered, lonely and in despair.

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Zodiac
November 14th, 2020 at 7:38 PM
I am a neurotypical woman in a relationship with an autistic woman. Both of us are in our 60’s. I am well processed with degrees in psychology / sociology and my partner is the opposite. I started to understand her after living with her for 8 months and with the help of a minister who was informed about autism I tricked her into doing the online diagnostic test . All was revealed with her score of 33. I read as much as I could on it and watched You Tube videos by autistic people. My partner was not interested in finding out more. I am at the age that I can accept the way she is, but it is difficult as I feel very rejected much of the time. But I understand that I have been intolerant and critical of her, probably making her feel a failure and not good enough. We have talked very little about it as she doesn’t want to go deep, but I have shown her your article, though she has only read one or two paragraphs and probably may not finish it. . I am still undecided whether I will continue into my old age with her as I have this loneliness that you describe. She doesn’t seem to feel that and says she is not lonely, but I think a lifetime of failing in relationships has hardened her. I wish all younger people well in finding compromises and resolutions for this, but if you can’t manage it, I would suggest it is better to make the break than be unhappy for the rest of your life.

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No more
December 9th, 2020 at 8:19 PM
If you are a neurotypical, you will never be happy with these neurodiverse people. Anyone who says it can work is most likely neurodiverse. I have yet to know anyone on the spectrum who isn’t ADHD or ADD along with it, or comorbid with a personality disorder. ADHD is often comorbid with BPD. This is what I have dealt with in interpersonal relationships for 40 years; it is a nightmare. Forget about therapy; it will never work. If you are in a situation where you can get out, do so; it will be the best thing you can do for yourself, and you are the only one feeling your level of pain.

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Julie
December 21st, 2020 at 11:59 PM
I have just finished a two year, part time relationship with my former handyman, whom I had known previously for seven years. He got cancer, and his wife rejected him. He responded very well to treatment but had to have a permanent colostomy. I feel for him, and helped him obtain a lawyer and get a property settlement. Then I got cancer at the beginning of this year. He tried to support me, But although he could text the most beautiful sentiment to me, he could never out of them. He was very distressed about his own personal situation as Wellers mine, but generally only spoke about himself. I found we could never have a proper two way conversation. I thought it was because he has a working class background, and was extremely distressed. However I kept on breaking up with him and coming back to him in the hope that he could provide me with real comfort. I needed to consult a psychologist, more for the stand for my cancer which is quite severe, far more so than his. After several months with this excellent woman, I told her about some inexplicable and startling behaviour of his, not telling me he was in a full relationship with a 75-year-old woman, but crying and calling me darling and saying he wants for a weekend. Then in the last phone call he casually mentioned that his friend was waiting for him at home. My questioning got from him the fact that they were in a full relationship. He told me he had told me, but he most certainly had not. My shock and dismay, hopefully let him know the truth. I repeated all this to my psychologist who said that she felt he was on the autism spectrum. Well that was more shock wasn’t it? But looking back at some of his behaviour, the fact he always talked on about himself, the fact that we never had a proper two way conversation, and the fact that my brother has just pointed out that he didn’t have much of a sense of humour, has certainly lead me to believe that my former boyfriend does have some difficulty. He’s gone from relationship to relationship ever since he was 26 years old. I think I was about number six or seven, and he is now 61. I will add that I am eight years older, but his first partner was 10 years older than he. So I am really can’t having to come to terms with the fact that my handyman, And he was a very good handyman, and he has a very good job with a major hardware firm, is on the autism spectrum, or at least has delayed developmental issues. His mother died when he was only 13 and he came home and found her. From that time until he was 26 years old he lived with his father who was very straightlaced, did his best with my friend, but was grieving deeply.

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Jennifer
January 12th, 2021 at 6:18 AM
This is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. It reaffirms so much! Thank you.

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Julie
January 12th, 2021 at 4:07 PM
I’m glad my experience has helped you. All the very best. In my case I am just having to get over it. I might add I now have two Psycologist! Eventually I will have to choose between the two and just have one. Don’t recommend this experience to anybody else.

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Ruben
February 2nd, 2021 at 8:31 PM
So many people on this message board sound like their scapegoating ND people because their personal relationships did not work. That is wrong. You’re entitled to your feelings but as one NT person to another do not make autism your pariah. It is dehumanizing and wrong.

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Miechelle
February 5th, 2021 at 7:52 PM
I find the last comment ridiculous. I get desperate every now and again and then I find articles like this just to feel a little less lonely in knowing that there are others out there like me. No one is “scapegoating” or blaming anything. Unless you have actually walked this incredibly difficult and lonely walk, no comment should be made. If you have walked the walk, you know for a fact why you are so lonely and sad and it is absolutely because you love someone who may as well be from another planet or of another species. Do you blame them for that? No. Do you understand it cannot ever be changed or “fixed”? Of course. Is it OK to rail against the sadness of that. For sure!!

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K
October 30th, 2023 at 5:11 AM
Reading your comment has made me feel less lonely and sad – thank you Miechelle.

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Fallynn
March 23rd, 2021 at 1:50 PM
Hi Nohope, I wonder if you might be referring to a malignant narcissist and NOT someone on the spectrum. Gaslighting and scapegoating are NOT what folks on the spectrum typically do by any means. However, those are the tactics of a narcissist. Just my thoughts…

Dr. Fallynn C. Cox, Pasadena

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Steenertoo
October 10th, 2023 at 4:14 PM
Can it not be comorbid? My wife is on the spectrum, but at times, she does come across as NPD. My mother, as well… I’m just curious because it would be much easier to leave someone with NPD. My son and daughter are ASD, and my wife has the same traits.

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Freya
July 14th, 2021 at 12:12 PM
This all rings so true for me! My husband is 47 and is one of the most kind, honest, and trustworthy, humans I know. With that said, I feel such a deep pain and loneliness that is always met with frustration, blaming, and anger from my husband. I have spent years working on myself and trying to understand where he is coming from. I have changed the way I approach him, how I speak to him and it never changes. I am committed to our relationship but have now learned that the only way to save our marriage is for him to use his intellectual brain to understand who he is and who I am. I know he will never feel the way I do, but I need him to recognize that. What has spoken to me more than anything else is understanding that feelings of gaslighting, blaming, and what feels like manipulative behavior is coming from someone who has no idea that they are doing that. This is what makes it so confusing for the NT partner. We understand and know with every bit of our soul that our partner is a kind and honest person that is unconscious of the harm they are inflicting on us. They never fit the full profile of a narcissistic person, but the damage caused to the NT partner is the same. It’s so damn confusing and exhausting. I also worry about how my two young kids are learning how to treat me, always seeing me struggling, seeing their dad treat me with little regards to my emotional feelings. I worry about how they are learning to treat me, even though I am the one holding everyone’s emotional needs. I am an emotionally safe place for everyone, my family, my kids, my husband, my friends, and even in my job as a healthcare provider. I am usually the first one people call when they need to be held emotionally. I am really good at that. I am good at knowing what they need me to say so when we are done talking they feel better. I do this for everyone, but rarely get this back. I have relied on my girlfriends for this emotional need, but they can only hold that to a certain degree. I need it from my husband. Thank you for writing these articles. It has not only validated my feelings for what seems to be the first time, but it has also provided me with a greater compassion for my husband. Though I have A greater compassion for my husband, I am recognizing that our relationship cannot be saved unless he himself recognizes how his brain works and how my brain works. And I’m not sure if that will be possible.

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Bonnie
September 18th, 2023 at 2:00 PM
I am at this site and your story reminds me of me. I am soo very very lonely and made the exact same realization that although I want to be supportive of someone whose brain simply works differently, the gaslighting, the diminishing, the lack of empathy and consideration and overall lack of everything that I need in a relationship still has a lasting effect on me. Emotionally neglected and so very very lonely.
considering divorce

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Lu
July 14th, 2021 at 6:48 PM
I am completely scared by the commentaries I read here. Most of them filled with ableist, prejudicial and aggressive accusations. I wonder how maybe many people have been in relationships with, as Dr. Fallynn just commented above, narcissists or simply with people they weren’t compatible, but also mainly by lack of emotional development. From unofficial diagnosis (“my partner is on the spectrum! i read it! it’s the only explanation!”) to accusing autistic individuals of not trying – when we have to recognise that allistic people will never ever understand the processes of autistic people. This is an absurd. It only means how there’s a lack of true education on the matter. I don’t think my ADHD makes any easier to understand ASD minds, and I’ve been to far more toxic relationships with NT people who made me even extremely more isolated and rejected. My autistic partner is the most sincere and friendly personal I ever met. We have differences, obviously, and both struggle to understand our minds but there’s no doubt of the effort he makes. No relationship in the world is easy, and neurodiverse one’s are incredibily challenging because its own very nature but if someone signed up for this, it’s necessary to understand we have partners that have a completely different relationship to the environment. Can’t handle? Walk away. We have to learn to respect ourselves as well – set boundaries and walk away when it’s “a nightmare”. Be responsable for your own mental health. One of the most precious things he taught me: we can’t get into a relationship until we are not ready to face each other with the amount of emotional intensity it requires, so we have to have a strong identity and feel comfortable with who we are. I wonder how many of us fall in love to our expectations and fail to understand that no, our partners are not going to read our minds or respond the way we will respond… exactly the way we don’t know how they would like us to respond . But we want them to act the same way we do when asking for help, we want them to act the same way we to show us care, and we want them to be explained in a self-help book… and we want them to read the article… and we want them to write the article… and we want them, and we want them…

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Nieth
August 20th, 2021 at 6:54 AM
OK so my situation is I’m a women I really would not consider myself NT because I have a lot of medical issues and past traumas growing up with covert narrsasists I was emotionally abused and verbally abused under the radar my partner is ND is autistic (Aspies) and yes this loneyness is real and there is no one and no one thing that you can shift blame to do your left shifting guilt on yourself or others I’m lonely been in this relationship from beginning 13 years this October we were highschool sweet hearts just this morning asking him again if our relationship is working or if we should mutually find new people if that would solve our problems and it might solve my problem finding a connection but I don’t want someone new not really if been 100% faithful to my partner and I’ve been patient, finding this article helps me understand the situation im in but I still don’t understand my partner and have lost hope and faith that he will make an effort with me to elieviate these stressful feelings I’m willing to try again because I don’t want to be weak giving in giving up and it breaks my heart thinking I can’t have a trusted connection with the man I choose to spend my life with we have 2 kids to I’ve been trying to understand, how I’m even supposed to understand if were even compatible partners, moneys been hard, my health declines from self hate and stress. He says he wants to be with me he says he’s happy I find it hard not to resent him when he can be so happy when I’m so miserable and his effort doesn’t look the same as mine I don’t want to accuse him of not trying but I can’t recognize it so is it there? This uncertainty of the real patterns of our relationship wash clean any hope of security I crave. On top of that I haven’t felt physically secure not with my body, more importantly security in household I’m 29 and I’m still not in a home of my own always rented in housing because we are poor I can’t find a hint of security in my life except that he will never let me leave this hell without a fight but I wish I could see or feel him trying to turn hell into heaven I’m bitterly wounded by the breaks of this relationship knowing I got in the car of my own freewill but I love my partner he says I understand him better than anyone he’s ever known he said he was sure he would be alone till he met me I feel his romantic style is nieve and childish not something I’m attracted to because I doubt if he couldn’t have found a nice girl to settle down with that wasn’t me and would be fine but he would of had the same problems with a NT women I never want the same problems coming up more than once because I like to learn from my mistakes I feel he does not learn from himself enough he is a smart man so I have trouble understanding his difficulties understanding me especially when I really try to be understood this morning I did not try to over explain how I felt I simply said I was lonely he looks lost maybe because he was lonely and nobody was there for him so what does caring look like anymore I don’t know if there is a simple answer I wish there was I think its just assumed you care if your here and trying but it can feel as though he was never here from the start thats unfair to him but this whole relationship feels tipped on the scale where he is light as a feather and I’m a big fat stressed out rock! I’m heavy with decisions, effort, insecurity I want this to change but where do I put the effort he doesn’t know and this is both our first and only relationship we have ever been in we are still our first and only kiss I’m broken trying to fix broken things in a society where caring is the rarest commadaty to pin down I’ll keep trying but is it for my sake? or is it for him? or my untouched relationship record? maybe for the kids? no I think its because I made these decisions I built this life with him this is our life not just mine and I love seeing the things I know I’ve been working to improve we are buying our fist home soon, I think it will be easier and that’s the goal to make love as accsessable and easy for as many as possible creating an abundance a Well to take your heart to, to fill up. I feel I have to remember anything is possible and that probability can be shifted in your favor.
This uneasiness remains because it will always be hard to recognize whether or not I’m moving forward or running into that old familiar brick wall

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katy
September 2nd, 2021 at 11:17 AM
My Asperger partner has driven me into the nut house. Advice: If you have Asberger’s don’t date people with empathy. Leave us alone please. Have a relationship with someone else who is emotionally lacking. Oh, and stop thinking you’re just fine, because you’re really not. Thanks. P.S. Clearly I am not concerned with political correctness here. Ha. Life too ruined for that. Sorry. Ping! (Oo, now let me tick the “I’m not a robot box.”)

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Nohope
September 3rd, 2021 at 7:06 AM
Katy, it is so hard. I’m so very sorry. I get it. It hurts terribly. With lots of prayer, therapy and outside support, aspies can learn. I finally feel like we are rounding a corner in our marriage. Maybe I should change my name from Nohope. It’s taken years, and I realize we will need this level of support forever.

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Louise
September 18th, 2021 at 1:04 PM
Ironically, all of this article seemed to put to words my feelings better than I feel able to: but I’m autistic, and my partner isn’t. I struggle so deeply with the loneliness of not being understood or made to feel loved by a partner I desperately care for but who doesn’t show signs of earnest commitment or understanding. If you sought this article wondering about loneliness, know that it can be felt precisely the other way around when the roles are switched (and you’re not alone).

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Ru
October 30th, 2021 at 6:16 AM
Nohope, please change your name – you are literally the only hope I have found in yeeeaaaaars of my journey. I came across this article after googling “success stories of marriages between NT/AS”. Good read, as with most I can pinpoint my exact emotions. Then the loneliness kicks in yet again because well, doesn’t help me being validated by an article – I need validation by life, my spouse preferably! I need people like you in my life, I am just about done. “My soul is exhausted” – your words resonated to every fibre in my being.

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Nohope
October 31st, 2021 at 12:04 PM
Yes, Ru. Sisters on a strange journey. We are actually rounding a corner after all these years because he is finally able to accept there is damage here, and he can do something about it. But any deep refreshment is still just out of reach of a connection to each other. Grateful for all the other loves of my life. Take good care of you, Ru. Nurture those relationships that bring out belly laughs, warm hugs, quiet understanding. ❤️

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littlelost
November 1st, 2021 at 9:24 AM
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories on here, it has helped me feel less alone. My friends are all in NT relationships, the whole of instagram seems to be in an NT relationship, all the instagram therapists and coaches are for NT relationships, all the wedding accounts are for NT relationships and all of this can make an NT/ND relationship seem like you’re in a relationship with someone who raises major red flags and this can make things as the NT even lonelier. I have been in a relationship with my partner for 14 years, I suspect that he is an undiagnosed autie with adhd, he also grew up in a home where love and empathy are not a big focus. We’re gradually understanding what this means for him, we’ve learnt that he drank and took drugs to give him confidence and that took over his life. He supported his children financially but not emotionally and didn’t support himself emotionally. Hes given up all drugs and is now working very hard in reducing his alcohol consumption. He won’t go to therapy and when we talk about things he says I’m trying but i don’t understand my feelings so i just shut them out or avoid situations (socially). I don’t want him to feel that he has to become someone that he isn’t but it would be nice to see him have some tools in the toolbox in his mind to help him find those situations less overwhelming, i hate to see him in pain. I feel extremely lonely and isolated, i miss doing things socially with my family and friends and having him by my side, i find it exhausting to always be giving instructions and repeating myself. I understand why I do these things but I’m tired. We’ve talked about marriage but I worry that he is just getting married because I want to but that he might not understand what marriage is. I don’t want him to be hurt and I also don’t want to feel hurt. We have a lot of amazing qualities and experiences together but lately the lonliness and tiredness has become overwhelming, maybe its the thought of the marriage commitment that is driving these feelings. We’re in our mid 40’s and these decisions about our future are serious. I just feel a little lost and I’m worried he feels lost and hurt too and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

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Beth
October 9th, 2023 at 6:44 PM
This is the best it will be. It gets worse after marriage, not better. They don’t grow to feel empathy and compassion towards you all of the sudden because you get married. It gets worse and more lonely as time goes on. You are still young enough to find a non autistic man to marry and to enjoy companionship with. This relationship will bring you intense pain and loneliness. You are better off staying single because at least you won’t have expectations that will never be fulfilled.

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Lindsey- invalidated wife
November 2nd, 2021 at 2:14 PM
I am a wife of an undiagnosed Aspie who has primary relatives who are diagnosed.The penny dropped for me before their diagnosis.He grew up in an emotionally cold house with an undiagnosed Aspie dad.Essentially they all just suit themselves.Their relationships are superficial.When there are too many demands being made of them they feel entitled to resent who ever /whatever is getting in their way wants/needs.There is total disregard for the feelings of others.I am now separated from my husband.He left because he was not happy.Its the second time he has left the family home.Again he self prioritises his well being /welfare.We have 4 children he has told them that I am to blamed has a narrative to justify his abandonment.At some level he knows he cannot be blame free but if I try to get him to acknowledge that he then turns it round and he plays the victim.It is an absolute nightmare seeking some sort of acknowledgement from him re the damage he has caused .I feel totally invalidated.Now he has discarded me because “people split up -move on”.He is as cold as ice and almost robotic.I feel so upset to have wasted all this time on a man who should come with a health warning”will cause destruction in your life and not care or own it”.I really don’t think he should have a family -he is a man with a family not a family man because he essentially wants to be alone order to lessen his anxiety.Why marry then?Why dupe me.I am an empath and feel utterly broken and totally unheard.He misunderstands most of what I say then takes exception.I love him and don’t know why .I would have done what it took to keep marriage together, but he refuses tithing he is on the spectrum despite his brother and nephews diagnosis and my suggesting he is for many years.The penny dropped for me at first I felt relief as maybe he could own it .However his lack of insight being what it is means he cannot see the part he plays in the confusion he feels in his life and an ND.I am now in therapy but can’t help but feel it is he who should be because of how his autistic lens affects his life and everyone who is in it.I am NT but I live and am affected by autism -it is a very difficult place for a NT to be.It feels like I am going over the edge-I have panic attacks and feel totally broken.25 years has taken its toll.He does know at some level as he used to tell me at the start that he “could not give me what I want”-red flags ignored by me-now look -all these years lost to a man who could not care less for me and had the nerve to tell me he felt no connection !Its constant gas lighting and projection and nobody seems to see it let alone acknowledge it.He should never have got married but I guess he wanted to try -now he has and has discarded me like I am nothing .He is cruel albeit perhaps unintentionally but the impact is the same.He need called out -he needs to see how he really is and how utterly distorted his autistic lens is.Do not marry someone who is seemingly measured and kind but on the spectrum fact is they have no interest in your world other than its impact on them .They are not giving you space they are totally disinterested as they only have self (auto) interest .What a very difficult unexpected end to my “relationship” where only I was involved in the marriage that somehow I am to blame for its demise(of course I am I am always to blame no matter what)

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Shelly
March 21st, 2022 at 7:32 PM
I divorced after 33 years and 6 children. I just could not take it any more and this description is perfect. I have just now found out that I am NT and my X was ND, or austistic. How frustrating and crazy making! Lonely was absolutely the right word. No intimacy! In 33 years I cannot ever remember my husband ever asking me how my day was or how I was feeling, or anything of that nature. He could talk at length about his work or things that interested him but never relate to anything I was doing or cared about.. know I know why…wish I had his info earlier, not sure it would hav made things better but maybe.

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Beth
October 9th, 2023 at 7:16 PM
I’m sorry Shelly. I’m sure that was a really difficult decision with 6 kids. Knowing he’s autistic doesn’t really change much. It helps you feel a teeny bit validated but it doesn’t change the circumstances. I’m sorry that you and your children had to live like that. Kids with autistic fathers feel very rejected too. They think they can’t please their dad because they are doing something wrong. It makes everyone doubt themselves… even after leaving. Did I make the right decision? When I would leave to go visit my sister, my autistic husband would text me and would almost seem normal but the second I got home, even on the way home from the airport, the old oppressive lack of give and take communication would return. It’s amazing how quickly we forget when we are with NT people and how quickly we remember when we spend even a few minutes with our ND spouse.

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Rose
June 2nd, 2022 at 6:16 PM
All the therapy in the world does not help. How my boyfriend thinks is the way it is always. Even when he is dead wrong. I can see something that will be a terrible choice, and in a minutes notice if he is extra impulsive, that will be the route he will take. it causes repeating history over and over. He seems to like to sabatage when things are kinda going smoothly. I will never understand this.

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No hope
June 3rd, 2022 at 10:13 AM
Thank he is a boyfriend and you have no kids with him, I implore you to leave. We are doing all kinds of therapy and systems to make it last, but it will never be good. Even once they can recognize they are part of the problem, the brain wiring can’t be changed. Don’t feel sorry for him. He has his special interest. He will be just fine.

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ASD x 2
June 5th, 2022 at 3:00 PM
Can anyone here report from a marriage between two ND people? I’m writing from a marriage between two people in their 30s-40s, both late-diagnosed with ASD level 1 (would be Asperger’s if they still used that term). ADHD, GAD, C-PTSD, and dysthymia are also factors. At first we understood each other well, but over time, being misunderstood has become the norm. The pain feels similar to what’s described here with NT/ND relationships. We both put in good efforts to understand the other, talk regularly, attend therapy (individual and couple), etc. but it does not bridge the gap in understanding true intentions, and being constantly misunderstood is extracting a toll that’s too high to keep paying.

As an aside, the cruel comments from NTs here are quite frustrating to read. (In particular, authoritative statements about how autistic people works strikes me as ND-splaining that comes from someone who could work on their empathy a bit). Just FYI, if you assume autistics have no empathy–don’t try to make the relationship better or to meet your needs, don’t care about how your NT mind works, don’t feel tormented when they accidentally hurt you, etc.–well… you just might find what you *think* you’re seeing. That’s a limited viewpoint that strikes me as ironic given that many people here complain about autistic people not trying to understand others. Anyone making such a complaint might look in the mirror and consider whether they’ve mastered such a skill enough to judge it (or its lack) in others.

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Exhaustive efforts
June 29th, 2022 at 7:01 PM
If ND readers are flummoxed regarding some NT comments, I suggest you read the authors other article “Married with undiagnosed ASD”. That article describes perfectly the erosion of self etc after many years in this type of relationship. It is extremely difficult to describe 15, 20, 30 years of absolute devotion and the exhaustive effort of keeping yourself and your family afloat when your partner has undiagnosed ASD (Or unable to have success in therapy etc). My partner comes from generations of undiagnosed ASD and the ensuing masking, deflection, projection and often narcissistic traits that have kept his family empowered and wealthy. He was diagnosed as a child but it was kept secret. It wasn’t until our children were radically different as babies that I sought help and through their diagnosis and psychologists observing my husband, we realised he came from a long line of ASD. We have been together for 17 years, I have done exhaustive therapy, classes, courses, study etc to help us as a family (from all my efforts, I could of had a PhD in something I loved!). I deeply love this beautiful person (he is beautiful in what he does but nit to me after the first 14 months) but at the end of the day (even though he says he loves me, and he does as much as HE can) he treats me like utter garbage, and to have children watch this is unbearable (no birthday celebrations for me, basically no photos taken of me in 17 years, no affection, no normal way that you would hope to see your parent loving and honouring the other).

The nature of a relationship is an eco system, a co-regulation. In many ASD partners, that is not possible. Parallel isolated systems can not nourish and nurture each other in the way that promotes health, life and expansion.
A family is an eco-system, it is awful and unfair if the other Adult is a solo entity “bio-sphere” just plonked down in the middle of an inter relating eco-system.
Relationships are interactive, when one person reflects a void back to you (thats representing you) this creates a deep deep pain and loneliness that is impossible to articulate.
There needs to be an awareness and practical steps taken for some ASD people to understand trying to do a NT relationship is unhealthy for everyone involved. At the moment my husband is living downstairs in an apartment because as he gets older (He’s only 50 though) he is finding his sensitivities even higher, his energy for masking and seeming social etc is much lower. He can no longer feign interest in other people’s emotional realms.
But still he swears “He doesn’t have autism!!” (But records repetitive stimming music, repeating same 2 bars of music over and over that he listens to 14 hrs a day with headphones)
Please dont harshly judge Nt’s for their comments. Most people i know through therapy have spent 15 + years researching, thinking and trying every minute of their relationship trying to make it work. These are kind beautiful accomplished wonderful people who have basically given up their lives to help their ASD partner. It is because of our love and empathy that we stay and try SO hard. It’s a brutal dynamic that rarely works as a family.

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Athena
July 24th, 2022 at 4:17 PM
For Tom….I hope you have moved on by now. I know your pain; I need to end it also; no children involved, thankfully. There is zero connection; what once existed has been destroyed by the gaslighting and verbal abuse, triangulation, and manipulation. Third time around that is keeping me stuck, as I dread the process in my 60’s.

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Hollow
August 25th, 2022 at 12:21 PM
I am blown away reading the comments here by NT partners of ND individuals. And I had no idea there were groups of people experiencing the same isolation, pain, soul crushing attacks, and utter hopelessness that I have been enduring for years. Thank you for sharing your experiences here. I am now too old, sick, impoverished, emotionally injured, and completely without family or friends, to get out and try to build a different life. My question is, how would I go about finding a therapist that specializes in NT/ND relationship trauma? Is there any help available for those who are poor?

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El
November 12th, 2022 at 10:57 PM
That’s a self-serving of autistic men stereotype that serves NT wives. Maybe you married a sociopath, or maybe your ableism blinds you to how you reject and diminish him.

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Doris
December 6th, 2022 at 12:19 AM
My husband knew and didn’t tell me about having ASD found it out after we got married.

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Rose
January 21st, 2023 at 7:51 PM
give them direction to a good therapist and then save yourself. Years of staying proved losing myself in something that could never change. When something improved another heavy problem appeared and formed into another investment of time and patience that is never returned. I told him we could be friends, and he argued that. Lol

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Sally
March 18th, 2023 at 8:27 PM
I have been cripplingly lonely for 20 years. I never knew this sort of a situation existed until I got into it. It’s strange to love someone and feel so alone at the same time. He ignores me all the time, for years on end. Problem, he is my only family. My heart goes out to all of you. Unless you experience it firsthand, it is impossible to understand.

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Louise
March 30th, 2023 at 6:58 AM
My Aspergers bloke is not intentionally cruel; he is stable, kind and sincere; but I am desperately lonely, starved for years because he does not ever offer physical affection or any words of love. It doesn’t sound like much but those of you who are in the same position will certainly understand. I love him and do not want to leave for so many reasons, he is the most adorable man in the world to me, but one day I may have to. I am dying of thirst for my love and affection to be reciprocated. My messages attract dry and factual responses, if any; my heart simply yearns for proper connection with him. I have had to withhold myself all these years so as not to overwhelm him. I am getting very sad more often and becoming emotionally disturbed.
One commenter above wryly said don’t worry about him if you break up, he has his special interest and will be fine. Spot on.

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Derek
May 2nd, 2023 at 11:31 AM
better off alone.

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Gwendoline
May 23rd, 2023 at 4:40 PM
We have survived nearly 40 years of marriage, by the grace of God but its been hard. I honestly think I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known how lonely it would be, at times I have felt publicly humiliated by his unthinking treatment of me.

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Nohope
May 24th, 2023 at 12:34 PM
Hugs, Gwendoline. I’m beyond grateful for my children, my God and my interests. Without these, this situation is simply unfathomable and quite frankly unsafe.

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Wowjustwow
June 4th, 2023 at 1:39 AM
This string of comments really helped me to feel seen. Thank you, ladies and a few guys! This is so raw and emotional. I get so swept up in these interactions we have, my fiancé and I. Later, while my head spins just thinking “ what just happened again?”. How did we get here again?” It’s never anything deeply important, just something that became heated and I tried to talk him off a cliff, but he just really wanted to jump and he did. He pulled me down with him and every day I never know when I might go falling to my death. Soul crushing. How did this happen again ( previous marriage to a very similar person)? If I can’t ever communicate a need to my partner, how will they ever know? They won’t. Just get used to that. My options are
1. Piss them off trying to calmly nip an issue in the bud, even if done in the utmost respectful manner or
2. Never say a word, your innermost desires, connection and joy unfulfilled and life an empty, resentful, hot mess.
Not the best of options.
Yes, I deeply love this man and how frustrating it is that we have built a life together and kids are involved and there is so much good there too! I’m going to a Buddhist temple tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the spiritual journey that I will practice, as part of my healing myself. Take care you beautiful people. You are the deepest loves and the fiercest loves. You are loving for two people with everything you have. Thank you for these words I’ve read today. I feel supported and that is an amazing feeling.

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Tracy
June 4th, 2023 at 3:05 AM
Look forward to more info regarding living with a ND partner.

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ANN
June 30th, 2023 at 5:00 PM
I mean, it’s nice to think communication strategies and understanding can help, but having been with a brilliant autistic man, I can’t see it. I ended it after 2 years because it wasn’t improving, and I am a neuroscience expert and a professional executive coach for over 20 years. I get the brain stuff, and so, to some degree, did he. He wanted to change and meet my needs, but without a script and a to do list, he simply couldn’t. I got exhausted with the way he looked at the world. He would come away from time with me feeling like he was supercharged and what a fun day, while more and more I just wanted to get away and be with people who understood and could communicate around the emotional aspects of life. He’s a lovely human, but having left him, all I can feel is relief.

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Mia
September 15th, 2023 at 8:13 AM
After I met my Aspie husband, I left my corporate job and became a neurodiverse coach. I felt the need to study it and make it a purpose. I feel I did everything. It’s just really still hard for me because days go by slower, and I need to find friends to do things with. I got tired of being a third wheel of a couple. I want to do things with my husband. I truly love him but feel I am sacrificing my needs. I try to communicate how I feel, but it could lead to meltdowns. I don’t feel the situation will get better, althugh he’s very supportive and caring. He sees life as suffering, and I see it as a blessing. We have different childhoods, and the life view is affecting my mental health because I love people and love life. I feel exhausted

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Alejandra
July 5th, 2023 at 11:04 PM
Glad to have found this article and thread. I began to question if my husband is autistic in the last year — preciously I thought of him as a passive aggressive narcissist. We have children together and I wish we were both financially independent from each other that we could separate. Wish there was a local support group for us to meet and share.

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the long road
August 30th, 2023 at 3:04 PM
I have been married to an Asperger’s man for 43 years. Due to my undiagnosed childhood trauma, marrying him seemed safe. I look back and am amazed that I wasn’t depressed in high school or college, because based on my trauma, I should have been. Then I met and married my husband and the long, slow descent into life with an aspie gradually stripped me of everything. I became only a copy of him. I did what he wanted, I talked like him and strove to be a good wife. I remember sometimes I would sit in the bathroom and say to myself “I should be happy. I should be happy” but I wasn’t. Through two unrelated circumstances, I came to the realization what my childhood trauma had done to me and started counseling. Funny enough, I didn’t ask my H if I could go to counseling, I told him. It was probably the first time I stood up for myself. Working through my childhood trauma took about a year & a half, but very quickly it became obvious that I was dealing with much more trauma in my marriage. We did marriage counseling, but the first 2 counselors were no help. Finally, we started with a counselor who diagnosed H with Asperger’s. At first, it was such a relief to realize that the way I had been treated for decades (ignored, dismissed, my needs were not important, I was invisible & not cherished, my voice didn’t matter, etc.), had a reason. I finally understood why I had always felt so lonely. But then the reality of being married to a man who cannot ever make any emotional connection began to sink in. Marriage counseling produced no lasting change, but in my own counseling we work on changing me. I can accept that “this is how it is” but that does not make it any less lonely. Instead, I work on having a support system, good friends and activities that I enjoy. I also take solo retreats in order to rejuvenate and reach a place of calm. I do find that I dream of divorce, but I remind myself that the true devastation of that would be more than I can imagine. I think the biggest revelation for me has been to look back and realize that I never had any boundaries before, and so I am working on that now. I need to protect my own sense of self and not allow my aspie to think he can mow them down as he used to. When other NT’s talk about their marriage I have to guard my own heart so as not to descend into bitterness and jealousy. Being married to an aspie is lonely because I will never have what others have, so I try to keep my focus on other things. My aspie H has a long list of positive qualities on the practical side of like, but the emotional side is empty. Every now and then the grief of that gets to me and I grieve for what will never be. Having read through most of the comments, I would say that being married to an aspie is like being slowly smothered and is lonely beyond what most NT’s can imagine. And although I would not wish my children away, had I known then, what I know now, I wouldn’t have married him. So instead, I work on self-care, friends, counseling for me, boundaries and lots of prayer for strength. He can’t change, but I can grow. And although it would sound weird to anyone not married to an aspie, it helps me so much to read other’s comments and to know that I am not alone in this ongoing struggle.

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Louise
September 25th, 2023 at 1:09 PM
Thank you for this. I admire your relatively positive take on life with a ND partner. I have been with my Asperger’s husband for 35 years, and it has not been even vaguely what I expected in the beginning. Most of his family is on the spectrum (some diagnosed, some not), including two of our three children – we have one with Asperger’s and another with a lower-functioning form of autism. I could write a book about the misery of this life, and I might, someday. I wanted to leave him 25 years ago, but he threatened to sue me for sole custody of the children, down to his parents’ last dime, if that’s what it took for him to win. As if any judge in the country would ever have given the children to an absentee, work-obsessed father like him. But I decided I couldn’t take the chance, so I stayed. Looking back, sometimes I wish I had spared myself some misery and let him have the two autistic children, but I would not have consigned our NT son to life alone with them, for anything in the world. I’ve been in counseling for five years, done everything I know how to do to make peace with this life and focus on the good more so than on the bad. There have been some happy times. We’re financially comfortable, he has given up his primary obsession, his career, and we’ve been trying to settle into a good retirement life. We found a community service activity that we both liked – delivering for the local Meals on Wheels program. Gradually over a year, he turned this activity into a game/obsession – racing against the previous fastest time for the route, searching for more efficient routes, and trying to outsmart the GPS. When I’m driving, he gives me rapid-fire, multi-point driving instructions that I can’t always remember, especially when they conflict with what the GPS is saying at the same time. If I make a mistake that impairs our efficiency for that day, he screams. I realized last week that I can’t do this activity with him anymore. Instead of apologizing for his behavior, he agreed that it’s better for him do this project alone. I am heartbroken that we can’t even do a leisure activity together, because he must turn everything into some kind of competition, the standards for which I can’t always meet. I think I want out of this life. I want to live the rest of my life in peace and quiet, either alone or among only nice people. My therapist asked me if I still loved my husband. I couldn’t give her a clear answer. I must have loved him somewhat, to have stayed this long, but more and more I am feeling hatred. Divorcing will be very complex, as we’ll have to undo and redo the estate planning we had put in place to provide for our disabled daughter. Someone on this thread said living with an autistic spouse is like slowly being smothered, and I agree with that. Will I finally let him finish smothering me? Or will I find the courage to free myself? I don’t agree with or appreciate the criticism on this thread toward NT spouses. Most of us have tried, and tried, and tried, to accommodate, love, accept, our spouses and the children who are like them. But still, living with them is killing us, every so slowly….

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Alex
September 6th, 2023 at 7:27 AM
I’m an NT and can strongly relate to the challenges other NTs have been experiencing with ND partners.
I am a 40+ yr old woman who was in a relationship with an undiagnosed ND male for >10 yrs. He was 2 yrs older than me.
The feeling of isolation, loneliness etc., was indescribable. Although I received my first valentines card from him after 10 yrs, I can honestly say that the previous 8 yrs hadn’t felt even remotely like a relationship (in the true sense). The first 2 yrs approx. were about 2 young people who were crazy about each other, love letters from him, lots of physical stuff and actual dates.
However, after the “ideal courtship” phase had ended, I felt on my own for those 8 yrs – he had established a fixed routine where he would drop in to see me at my flat without warning, or at my parents place in the countryside (also without warning). There was no deviation from this at all. When he stopped by we never did anything together i.e no walks, cinema, dinner dates etc., like couples tend to do.
The last straw, was when we had been to a mutual friends party in the countryside, and were on the same train together (him returning to the City, and me returning to university campus near the City to complete my masters degree). He asked me to go back with him to the City. I said I couldn’t as I was doing a masters degree. This demonstrated to me that he didn’t respect my need to improve my qualifications and life, and didn’t seem to be aware that I was doing the masters degree in the first place. I heard nothing from him the year I was doing my masters, and it was as though there was no relationship at all.
I don’t think he really knew me as a person, and in retrospect, I didn’t really know anything about him. There was a huge void that existed that I couldn’t put my finger on – what did his version of “love” really mean? My ability to meet his needs when he felt he needed some attention? I absolutely adored this man and was crazy about him, but the lack of any real relationship killed it for me.
I am finally (about 20 yrs after the “relationship” ended) starting to process what happened over that period. I keep blaming myself for not having done more, been the right person for him etc etc., but there are things I am unable to reconcile in my mind, where it would never have worked.

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Beth
October 9th, 2023 at 6:13 PM
Thank God you got out. Absolutely nothing would have changed for you. He would never have known or cared to know the real you. You would always have felt like you just wrote. It does not improve. It’s so unbelievably confusing and heartbreaking. I’ve been married for 23 years. He became the real him when we got married. The person I dated was different because I was his special interest at the time. Once married, work returned as his special interest and I was expected to do everything else to maintain our family life. Thank God you got out. Don’t look back and doubt your decision. Trust your choice because it was a good one. There is no true intimacy in a relationship with an autistic spouse.

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Steenertoo
October 10th, 2023 at 4:36 PM
I’ve been with my wife for 12 years now, and that was the exact thing that happened to me. We had the most fantastic courtship, but as soon as we were married, it was like flipping a switch! What I do now, even though her lack of emotions still bothers me, is I ask for attention. She will usually respond, or she may say she can’t read my mind. I crave the spontaneity that we used to have, but I realize that she can’t maintain the masking for very long. She won’t come right out and openly admit to being ND, but she does know that she is. I feel that if she were to admit she is ND, then it would mean to her she’s flawed. She was adopted and rejected by her adoptive parents after she was outed as gay by her husband of 17 years. She found her birth parents, and the mother more or less rejected her, saying it was just too difficult for her. We think that the mother was ND as well because she never married, and my wife was the only child and, according to her sister-in-law, “very different.” I’m just hoping that she will fully accept it and try to get therapy to help her accept and cope with being ND.
K
October 17th, 2023 at 12:48 AM
19 years with an ‘on the spectrum’ partner has left me broken, physically and emotionally.
He has left me broken. I’m blind in one eye and rapidly losing the little remaining sight in my “good” eye. A stress-related systemic disease is the cause.
For 19 years he vehemently professed his love. But there was no real bond. There was nothing that caused him to feel connected to me.
So now I’m blind and totally alone. But I’m no lonelier than I was before he abandoned me. Nor am I any sadder.

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lostsoul
January 10th, 2024 at 5:20 AM
I have been married to my HFA husband for 23 yrs. When we got married I was in a bad place I had 4 young children and one child that had died, He seemed so kind, little did I realize where the truth laid. After 2 years of marriage I had never felt so alone, I didn’t know then he was Autistic, so I ended up on meds lots of them, and it didn’t go well.

Anyways after 12 yrs I couldn’t take it any more always shouting at me, no affection, etc. so I left and heard he took a massive od and ended up in intensive care for a week on life support, I immediately returned because GUILT screwed me again. So he got diagnosed after that, So then I studied, I qualified in Holistic, NLP, CBT and nutrition. Just to add I also have 4 children on the spectrum as was my first husband their father. I am also disabled with many struggles. Well 12 years after his od, I’m still in this marriage, now with custody of my granddaughter also having my daughter move back in with her 9 month son. I am sad, lonely and in pain both physically and emotionally, I am unable to leave due to the circumstances with my granddaughter, so now I sit alone every day only talking and playing with my grandaughter. My husband basically has the house suitable for himself and I live in my bedroom. Would I recommend this type of relationship to anyone, no, If I didn’t have the responsibilities that I do, I would not be here trust me, I have become self loathing, and worthless. Even when I tried this last time to talk with him, I was called delusional. My heartbreak will never heal and I will die lonely and on my own just like now even thou he is downstairs, with my daughter and grandson, me and my granddaughter are here alone, thankfully for her she starts nursery soon so will have some normality. Please take care to all, this type of relationship, is detrimental to ones health full stop and now being in fear that if I ever leave, he would do it again. Oh just to add I have NO friends and no one to talk. For people like me when no matter what you do its never enough, I’m never asked if I’m ok I’m never asked anything.

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I love my autistic partner!
March 14th, 2024 at 11:04 PM
I am in a long term relationship with a person who has autism. The kind of loneliness in a ND relationship is a bit different than in other NT relationships, but I don’t think it is remarkably different, or doomed. I don’t feel like we’ve gone through any more ups and downs than the next couple. We try to take responsibility for the big feelings we sometimes have about the other person. We try our best to communicate in a way that works well for -both- of us. If we get overwhelmed by an argument we take breaks before we get too upset and come back to it when we’re feeling better. If either of us were having lonely times, we talked about it when we felt able, and we do our best to listen. If the other person isn’t able to provide the kind of support needed in a moment, we have friends/family/therapists/doctors to go to, who can support us in the ways we need, when we need it. I think it is asking a lot of any partner, NT or ND, to be responsible for being -everything- for you, all the time. It seems like that is the kind of expectation that sets any relationship up for failure at some point. That is not to say we haven’t had our tough times, but I think we’ve come through them closer, and more loving. There are lots of wonderful things about having an autistic partner!

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Sam
March 28th, 2024 at 1:04 PM
Hallelujah! Thank goodness for you lot! I have literally, last week, found out that my husband of 29 years is autistic. Most of what has been said sadly already resonates BIG TIME! I just thought he was rude, socially inept and selfish… which I suppose to a NT is how we feel. Now having realised there’s no changing the wiring, what happens next? The light bulb momnet has given clarity and helped me understand, and now I can sympathise with him and empathise with myself. But, I have no idea what is coming. Now I know there is no hope of change, can I carry on ‘until death do us part’ not having any emotional connection? Tough call! Jury’s out…

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Meg
April 8th, 2024 at 10:57 PM
Reading this article and others and the comments left, a lightbulb turned on for me. This is what I have been dealing with for 10 plus years with my partner. The blank stares when I ask what are you thinking? feeling? Why can’t you empathise with me/others? Why are you so selfish and only seem to feel anything except for yourself? Why are you so anxious? Why do I have to literally tell you everything and sometimes it seems you have no common sense? Why do I feel like your parent not your partner? Why can’t you be intimate with me? Why do you get obsessed to the point of utter crazy about a specific thing? Why can you remember numbers/birthday dates/history/economic theory but not remember EVER to bring home a carton of milk for yourself? Why do you seem not authentic when you try and do something nice – like bring home flowers for me when I have had to ask you to, or spend time with me when I have to finally ask you to because you are too busy with your latest obsession? If I have to beg you for this, it seems that it is MY idea not yours and that is hurtful but you just cannot see this at all. Why are you confused about what the ‘right’ thing to do is so often? Like the time a dropped a heavy item on my bare foot and you bought me a band aid…but there was nothing to put it on – only a bruise. Or the time I was upset about something and you made me a cup of tea but I don’t drink tea and never have. Why do you listen to the same song over and over and over until I think I am losing my mind.? Why do I have to remind you about every little thing – put on sunscreen, put out the rubbish when it has piled up, ring your family, etc etc etc. I could go on and on. It is very lonely – and very difficult to talk to anyone about. I have spent so long thinking it was me – I am not good enough – if I was prettier, thinner, nicer – he would love me more and take notice of these things. We are going to counselling and it has helped (more him than me) as she has shown us methods to ‘argue’ more constructively. He likes process so this works for him. I struggle at times because emotion gets the better of me – frustration and hurt – where as he doesn’t suffer from this. I have only recently tried to broach the ND thing to see if he would be open to considering it. He surprised me by not being upset and just nodding. But again, this might just be to stop any conversation by agreeing and then doing nothing about it – people pleaser gaslight tactics because he doesn’t want to have the conversation and does not give it ONE more thought. We do not have children together (thank goodness) and he is estranged from his (he had NO idea or instinct on how to parent) but sometimes I feel like I still have children at home with having to organise him. The parent/child relationship is not conducive to intimate feelings and actions so I have given up ever having warm authentic loving sex ever again (or just sex in general actually). I appreciated someone’s comments on getting away for a few days regularly to have a break. I am thinking this would be good for me. ….but I will have to leave a long list of exactly what to do while I am away…feed the cats twice a day, water plants that look droopy, load the dishwasher, close the windows if it rains….by the times I have a break I will be exhausted already. I fear for the future – I have given up on all of my dreams of holidays together, romance, activities we both enjoy and being supported as I get older. I have also given up seeing friends a lot as it is too hard to explain. The comments and article have given me at least a bit of hope that I am not going insane and this is a real thing. My emotional cup is so dry and empty and I am pretty sure it has a hole in the bottom now! I have to work out how I can look after myself and depend on myself for my needs. Onwards I go…..

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Feeling stuck
May 11th, 2024 at 7:38 AM
@the long road, thank you for your comment. I come across these kinds of articles from time to time, and I read through the comments, feeling a sense of connection to some, others not so much, often feeling like husband isn’t as bad of a person as many of these (but still extremely difficult) but your approach really resonated with me and it’s what I hope to do, although not sure if I can be as accepting as you. It’s inspirational to read what you’re doing. I’ve been married 14 years now, and we have two kids at home. I’ve been in therapy for many years, and my therapist has point blank told me it will be a long and lonely road for me if I stay (and also saying many people would have already left by now) but to do what you suggest – finding connection in other ways, doing things I enjoy, and setting boundaries. I can’t change him, but I can change myself, how I think about myself, and how I respond to things. I don’t have to let in everything. I was raised by emotionally neglectful parents, which is likely why I was attracted to someone who is genetically wired to not really get emotional connection. I was estranged from my parents or a period of time even since I just couldn’t cope with my mother in particular, and I feel a lot of resentment at how their parenting has led me to make the choices I did in life. I love my children, but often dream of a different life. Divorce would seem impossible with him while raising kids. He wouldn’t see where he needs to be reasonable. He would make it the most painful process that I just can’t do it. He makes any disagreement feel impossible – never seeming to know when to let up on his points, give in, truly compromise, and the hardest part is he just won’t see that he does this. He doesn’t want to even believe he has autism (likely what would have been Aspergers before). He has lots of great qualities and a great person in many ways. His issues are mostly interpersonal, but he won’t see it. We are no longer truly physically intimate, because our needs are just so different. We kiss exactly once a day, at the exact same time. We take turns saying I love you once a day. Every little act between us has been relentlessly negotiated. Discussions with him are relentless and are not a conversation with any kind of empathy. I feel like I’m negotiating a business deal when I want to do something that he doesn’t want to do. Eventually he might come around and act a bit caring, but only after days of coming after me relentlessly trying to make his points.

I struggle a lot with what divorce would do to our family, even once our kids are grown. It’s hard not to have fantasies about it, but then there would also be a different loneliness of not being with the person who loves our kids as much as I do. I don’t necessarily want to live alone or start over with someone else. I feel dependent on him in a lot of ways, especially financially, and the thought of having to go through life without relying on his strengths seems daunting too – I know I could do it, I lived alone before we were married, but do I want to? I don’t know.

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CazzaK
May 19th, 2024 at 4:09 AM
Meg – I cannot begin to explain how it feels to read that someone else is experiencing life as I do. I have all but had the life sucked out of me living with OH and his 3 children (twins 21), daughter 16 (who all display some signs of ND behaviour and/or are behaviours taught, behaviours learned). I have questioned myself on so many different levels, how can everybody else not see what I see, what is wrong with me? I have even questioned is it all worth it, I have been driven to the depths of despair living with this man. On a personal level, being ignored is my biggest punishment and fear, how ironic I end up with a man who can not communicate, show affection, has no empathy, remember my birthday, never buy me anything, never take me anywhere (I have to organise our social life), refuses to go on holiday, the list is endless. Why am I expected to know the answer to everything, even when I say I don’t know, you repeat yourself numerous times, my stock answer now is Google it. OH treats SD completely differently to anybody else, his mini wife, one of his few obsessions. He manages to make every conversation about himself, nothing is ever his fault, if challenged he denies everything. He’s always being picked on, I’m always putting people down, silence when he doesn’t like the conversation, or completely change the subject. No realisation that not everybody else is an obsessive, tea total, non socialising person. Why do I give in, simply because, I know all too well, you’ll gaslight me for days to come. Despite not liking change and wanting everything just so, our mealtimes are so chaotic, nobody communicates, you shout at me for cooking too much, how am I meant to know if I’m cooking for 2, 4 or 6? We can never go anywhere exciting to eat, as you don’t like spicy, foreign or or colourful food, so long as it plain and beige we’re fine. The 36 hour holidays you’ve agreed to, have been sheer hell, nothing, absolutely nothing excites you, interests you and you’ve bored me to death with your superior knowledge about something you actually know nothing about.
I’ve realised it’s not me, it’s both of us and as OH will never change I have to find a way to accept it or move on. I’m working on me at the moment and finding it very challenging as I’m not being as accepting as I thought I would be.

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Empty
July 26th, 2024 at 1:05 PM
Wow, just..wow!! I have finally after years of searching on-line for answers to why my marriage of 28 years has turned me into an “empty shell of the person I used to be” as my adult son recently told me. I love my husband (ND) and he loves me (Empath / NT). But I have to remind my self of this logical fact, because I certainly don’t ever feel it. Connection, to me, is grounded in feeling and and actions that speak louder than words. My husband gets so upset when I even suggest that I don’t feel loved by him, because “he has told me he does”. He denies being on the spectrum, but all of his “quirks” habits, behaviors scream Asperger Syndrome! He realizes he is very different than most people (overly sensitive to sounds, touch, smells, basically any stimulation), anxiety through the roof!!! Depression, forgetful of other’s needs / requests, focused and angry over a particular word used in a conversation (I am always like – in my mind – after all we are going through and discussing, you are this upset because of the use of a random word you have picked out of our conversation and gotten hyper-focused on?!?! I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells and sometimes like there is no oxygen in the room when I am with him. He has discovered Hyper Sensitive Personality “HSP” and feels 100% that is what he has. His solution to our problems is I need to be sympathetic and accommodate his needs based on his “HSP”. He has never cheated or hit me. I also have never cheated. I really want to be seen / needed / cherished / appreciated, etc.. Of course he tells me he feels all these things for me, but again, I just don’t feel it from him because of his actions (and lack of actions). He is my high school sweetheart. We both come from divorced families and never ever want that for our family. So, I just continue to push through and work hard at work and home and try not to let his lack of affection or connection hurt – because, I know he loves me. I don’t want to get divorced, but his anxiety, hypersensitivity, over thinking every little thing, questioning everything that wasn’t his idea, depression, lack of ambition, and obliviousness to it all is getting worse. I feel hopeless. I have for the past 14 years of our marriage. Basically when we had less responsibility (kids, mortgage, taxes, aging parents, etc.. ) life was fun and luckily I share a lot of his interests (even though he never showed interest in my interests that differed from his). Even still, we can have a lot of fun together (we really are best friends) – but now that life isn’t all fun and games he is miserable – which makes me feel empty. We have stated couples therapy. But he thinks I am the problem because I “misinterpret him constantly” and “don’t feel the love he says he tells me and displays through his actions” Basically if I don’t fix that problem, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the relationship!!! But, my side of what is wrong is basically the exact opposite. I pray the therapy can help us navigate our marriage and bring joy back into our relationship and home.

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ASD x 2
August 23rd, 2024 at 12:42 PM
Update from my comment in 2022:
Things have gotten better and then worse again, in a continuously lowering sine wave, such that overall things are getting worse but there are still hopeful enough “ups” that I keep trying. I keep thinking, if only he’ll see a therapist who helps him see his blind spots in a way that makes him care about addressing them; if only he tries an antidepressant or starts exercising to deal with his dysthymia and (I would call them pathological) feelings of rejection from the world; if only he would get a job and start to build some self-respect so he wouldn’t project his insecurities onto me. If only, if only, if only. I can’t change him and I am tired of waiting for him to change, and I cannot keep contorting myself to tolerate this situation, trying to convince myself that either I’m the problem or my perception is inaccurate. I have come very, very close to losing myself completely and it is the fear of the ledge toward becoming a shell of a person that has caused me to retract from my efforts to be loving and understanding. It is self-protective, and that is not going over well with him, because I come across as even less loving and concerned about his needs–which is a primary complaint of his. But I cannot give more in this way right now or I will completely dissolve into crushed dust. So, we are at a standstill.

It is becoming increasingly scary that he’s completely financially dependent on me, not because he can’t work or get a job but because I’ve empowered him to be extremely selective about any employment. (We came to this agreement about 3-4 years ago: I realized he was such a mean person from working, as having to deal with other people in a demand-based environment triggers him, and I wanted to give him the gift of time and freedom to work on personal projects that are central to his identity and life goals. I was happy to be able to give this to him, and our relationship got better for awhile. But that situation has devolved, and he has told me he’s been seeking employment for the last couple years. I think part of the reason is that he doesn’t have “extra” spending money except what he gets for holidays. I think the other factor is he wants to build up savings for if and when we separate, which we have both discussed). He applies for maybe 2 jobs a year, from what I can tell, but he “does not feel safe” telling me about if/how/when he applies for things because he perceives me as too judgmental. I think I probably am, but have trouble imagining how I could be any other way at this point. I wrote a lot more about this but deleted it as it was very long. All this to say that if we do separate, it may seem to the courts that he needs or is entitled to my financial support, which I resent because it is not true in terms of any agreements between ourselves. And although I think he would find such an arrangement shameful and has said as much, he would be so desperate that he would take it or even demand it. Thus, I am terrified of letting this status quo continue for years and years, establishing this implied agreement that I will or should financially provide for someone who doesn’t want to have to deal with others in a working environment. I do not consent to this.

But, I still have hope that things can change, so I keep trying to meet his requests for connection and attention and kindness and empathy. Every time my empty, leaking cup catches even a few drops of rainwater, so to speak, I try to give back to our relationship–taking him out for dinner, spending time together in a way he cares about, giving him focused attention, dealing with an issue he’s been asking me to, complimenting him, touching him in a way he likes, etc. He likes it in the moment and then a few days later, claims I do nothing to help repair the relationship and he’s the only one trying. I can’t navigate his landmines of insecurity and unworthiness. I didn’t put those feelings there and I cannot take them out or fill up the holes, and it is killing me to keep trying.

For all the NTs saying they feel judged by the NDs saying y’all are uncharitable or inaccurate at describing us: Consider that some of us are on the receiving end of this too, and that it hurts to be told how our brains and hearts work by someone who doesn’t show goodwill in wanting to find out whether they’re right. (For example, Katherine wrote “You may be a unique variety of Aspie, who truly is looking to understand the NT ways of processing and loving. This is by nature not available to most on the spectrum as part of the state of autism is a processing that does not include or duplicate others, it is in the wiring.”) We are still uncovering the many varieties of ASD and discovering how it works; to claim “it is in the wiring” that most autists cannot look to understand NT mental and emotional processes seems unfounded at best, harmful at worst. The irony/hypocrisy is what gets me. (Katherine is saying most NDs can’t understand NT ways of loving and processing, then states how she thinks NDs love and process in a way that shows she actually doesn’t get it). Such authoritative describing of how *I* feel and what *I* think, without showing any curiosity to see if they’ve got it right, is actually a primary issue in my ND x ND relationship, so it is interesting to see the a similar thing coming from someone claiming to be NT.

Reply
AB
October 4th, 2024 at 4:26 PM
This article is exactly my 15 year marriage.
No hope, I love how your comments are so balanced and deep. I’d love to contact you. I need people who relate x

Reply
No Hope
October 8th, 2024 at 4:01 PM
Thanks, AB. Not sure how to connect offline, but I sure wish you all the best. We are still here doing this.

Reply
Jessica
October 28th, 2024 at 2:35 PM
It doesn’t sound like you have autism. If you can express yourself like that, you sound NT to me.

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Jessica
October 28th, 2024 at 2:39 PM
Love is heaven? That addresses nothing.
You must not understand the need for understanding, connection with your partner, and the need for support.

Reply
Susan
November 14th, 2024 at 11:08 AM
The two comments saying there is no help for Autistic Lonliness, are RUBBISH! There is a lot of help for autistic people, in and out of the workplace, and recognised now in society. As a suffering lonely wife of 28 years, I have no life anymore, having dealt with my autistic husband. So, please don’t tell me that it’s all geared to NT spouses!

Reply
SouthernMom
April 17th, 2025 at 11:17 AM
I feel this so much lately. Aspie Hubby, 2 of 3 kids ASD. I had a hard childhood, so I also understand why I chose him. I always had my father and grandmother though, but now they are gone and I am so lonely even though I am very social and member of organizations and lots of friends. I want to watch a show with someone. I want to talk to someone, who is MY someone. A man a work today protected me from a behavioral child (I work in an ASD Center) I can protect myself but IT FELT SO NICE. He doesn’t even know me, but he walked behind us the whole way to the classroom and it felt SO NICE. Hubby never protects me, from mean men at PTA, or drunk friends around a campfire, or from a homeless man looking for a drug deal that got in our minivan with us once, or when my mom tried to slap me in my own home. etc.
I found myself looking at a handsome man at the gas station today and wondering ” would he talk to me? Would he listen intently and hold me? Would he GET things?”
Where do I go from here? Ugh…..Dream about these things forever. I can’t imagine leaving the only family I have. I don’t want to be alone in the world.

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How to Deal with Loneliness in a Relationship When Your Partner Is Autistic

Understanding Loneliness in Neurodiverse Partnerships

How Autism Can Impact Emotional Connection

Common Causes of Loneliness for Both Partners

Strategies for Bridging the Understanding Gap

When to Seek Professional Support

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

The Path Forward

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