Close up of a girls faceYesterday Ellen walked into my office looking annoyed and confused. “I don’t know what to do. Robin invited me to her wedding and I don’t want to go, but I think I should. It’s a destination wedding, a long weekend in Mexico- four days! It might be fun but I can’t afford it, and I can’t take time off from work either. But I have to go.”

“Why do you have to go?” I asked.
“Because of what happened. Her parents both died in an auto accident last year, and she will feel awful getting married without them.”
“That is tragic. Who is standing up for her?”
“Luckily, Robin has brothers and a sister, aunts, uncles and cousins- a big family, and they will all be there.”

“That’s good. Are you and Robin close friends?”
“No. But I helped her out a lot when her parents died, and I feel like I have to go. I’ve been worrying about this all week, ever since I got the invitation. I went out and charged plane tickets and bought some really nice presents right away. Maybe I can find somebody to share a hotel room so I can save some bucks. I’m really over my head financially. I just can’t afford this…..”

“You feel you have to go, even though you can’t,” I said.
“What should I do? I’m driving myself crazy.”
“Well, explain to me why you think you have to go.”
“I told you, Robin’s parents died in an accident.”
“That’s awful, but why does that mean you have to go to the wedding?”
“To make up for her parents.”
“Oh, can you?”
“Of course not. But Robin expects me to be there. What should I do?”

So there you have it. That’s the problem. Ellen wanted me to tell her what to do, but I thought it was more important for Ellen to figure this out for herself. Perhaps I’ll tell you her decision- but maybe it’s more interesting to ask you what you think about the situation she found herself in.  Difficult decisions like this have to be made by the person involved, not by the therapist. There are many answers; Ellen has to find out what is the best answer for herself. What does she really want to do? Maybe we can figure it out.

We have some clues to help with our detective work:

  1. Ellen bought the tickets immediately, even though she couldn’t afford to.
  2. She bought wedding presents- more than one, right away too. And she charged everything.
  3. After she spent the money, she worried about going. Ellen really didn’t have the money or, equally and maybe more important, the time. She had just started a new job and had no vacation time. Her boss might not like her taking time off right away.
  4. She feels like she HAS TO go. She never said she WANTED TO GO. I wondered if she was feeling guilty in her relationship with Robin. Ellen told me once that she feels like she has a charmed life- a loving family, a promising relationship, and a meaningful vocation. Robin’s life, by comparison, is far from charmed. Her parents both died young, her career is not going well. She is getting married, though. And, unlike Ellen, she has no money problems- she came into a lot of money when her parents died.  Clearly, she would rather have her parents and not the money, but a hefty financial back up is some compensation.
  5. There are lots of things we all have to do; was going to the wedding a “have to”? It conflicted with Ellen’s job obligations; she was afraid her job might be in jeopardy if she just took time off. It was not easy to get this job, and she really liked it and needed it too.
  6. Ellen didn’t seem very excited about Robin’s wedding. Was she envious because she wanted to get married too?
  7. Ellen seemed stuck between obligation and generosity. If she really wanted to go, she would deal with the problems involved and get on with it. I know Ellen; she’s that kind of person. She sounded like she felt forced.

Generosity must come from the heart. If your head is telling you that you must, and your heart is saying otherwise, take another look at the situation.  Ellen’s body language was pinched up and uncomfortable- anxious looking. She needed to find a free place inside herself to listen deeply and find out what she really wanted to do.

There are many answers. What would you do? What do you think Ellen decided to do?

Related articles:
Part II: Should You Attend a Friend’s Wedding Even If Your Heart Says “No”?
A Picture of Lasting Love
Love Is Not Enough

New research suggests that stressful events may cause delayed increase in panic symptoms. Because the effect of stress on panic symptoms has not been studied extensively, researchers wanted to determine if people with panic problems experienced immediate increase or a gradual increase in symptoms following a stressful event. “We definitely expected the symptoms to get worse over time, but we also thought the symptoms would get worse right away,” said Ethan Moitra, a postdoctoral researcher in the Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior at the Warren Alpert Medical School of Brown University. But the findings revealed that stress does not always cause an immediate panic attack. Dr. Martin Keller, principal investigator of the research and professor of psychiatry and human behavior, warns family members and clients to watch for signs of panic over the several months following the stressful event. (more…)

Woman on Balcony Watering PlantScents, Memories, and Emotions

The use of pleasant aromas to enhance well-being dates back thousands of years. Fragrant oils were ceremonially used in the Far East, as well as in ancient Egypt and Greece. Essential oils were extracted from herbs and flowers to create medicines and perfumes, to scent one’s home, and to anoint the ill and deceased.

Smell is considered to be the most poorly understood of our senses, yet most have experienced the powerful ability of familiar scents to trigger emotions and memories of times past, such as people in our lives, places we miss, or particular events, such as the holidays.

Who among us has not passed a restaurant or bakery and been immediately transported to another time when a similar dish or baked good was enjoyed, with all of its emotional accompaniments? Have we not all smelled a particular laundry detergent or perfume and thought of a loved family member or former flame? For some, even less-than-pleasant odors can call to mind a cherished memory. I have heard people say that walking into a faintly damp or musty house reminded them of the fun and friendships of summer camp, even 30 or more years later.

Today, the term aromatherapy refers to the deliberate use of plant-derived oils to enhance physical and emotional health. Although aromatherapy is still considered to lie outside the realm of medically accepted therapies and mainstream psychotherapy, interest in this area has grown substantially over the past few decades. Most of those who use aromas for healing tend to do so as part of a whole-person approach to healthcare, rather than as a stand-alone treatment. When applied thoughtfully, aromas may be incorporated into more “mainstream” healthcare practices with good results.

The Impact of Scents on Stress and Performance: What’s the Evidence?

Research related to the impact of scents, particularly essential oils, on mood has increased since the 1970s. Specifically, there have been several studies on the use of essential oils, such as lavender and rose, as well as other pleasant aromas to reduce stress. Lavender in particular has been shown to reduce self-reports of stress. In some preliminary research,  lavender was also linked to increased peripheral blood flow (an effect associated with relaxation) and a decrease in blood pressure, as well as positive changes in heart rate variability. In another trial, peppermint and lavender essential oils were associated with increased accuracy while proofreading.

The calming benefits of pleasant aromas many not be limited to essential oils, however. In at least two studies, the scent of coconut has been associated with decreased startle response, whereas an unpleasant scent (Limburger cheese) was associated with an increased startle response. A more recent study suggested that exposure to pleasant scent (also coconut) may blunt the body’s response to performing a stressful task and also enhance recovery after the stressor has stopped. It is important to note that most of these studies have had methodological challenges, including small numbers of people participating in the trials. Nonetheless, the results are thought-provoking and may make intuitive sense to those who have experienced subjective benefits from aromatherapy.

Aroma in Psychotherapy

How might this be relevant to the practice of psychotherapy? Pleasant aromas can be paired with relaxation training, such as diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness practice, hypnotherapy, and biofeedback. Doing so may link the experience of relaxation with the scent sufficiently so that in the future, exposure to the scent alone may be enough to elicit the relaxation response.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, this pairing is referred to as “associative learning” or “higher-order conditioning,” and the goal is for the conditioned stimulus (the scent) to trigger the same response as the biofeedback, breathing, or meditation does.

I have frequently used scent as a therapeutic adjunct during all of the above types of treatments for both children and adults. Many have reported enjoying the use of this tool in session and on their own, eventually noticing that they can more quickly and effectively access a state of calm. Even something like at-home mindfulness practice involves “taking in” and being present with the scent of what one is consuming or doing. This includes experiencing fully the aromas associated with eating, drinking, or walking in nature. Thus, being mindfully present can be “aromatherapeutic” or at least “aroma-aware”—even without deliberately introducing a specific scent.

The at-home use of pleasant aroma can be as simple as adding a few drops of an essential oil to a hand or body lotion or hair conditioner, buying natural laundry or cleaning products that feature relaxing or invigorating essential oils, chewing a stick of peppermint gum while proofreading a term paper, or mindfully sipping a cup of fragrant tea.

Common Sense with Scents

When using scent in psychotherapy, it is important to take into account people’s individual preferences for and aversions to various aromas and be aware of the fact that some dislike using any scent at all. Similarly, it is important to inquire about emotional associations to scents that may be popular but could elicit unpleasant memories (“Ugh! My old boss always wore rose oil!”).

Finally, it goes without saying that one should:

  1. Ask about allergies to any scents
  2. Place undiluted oils on tissue or another object, rather than directly on the person, as many are harmful when applied to the skin at full strength
  3. Educate oneself about the properties associated with different oils before introducing them into the work.

Additional Aromatherapy Resources

Many people are so unhappy that they find a therapist or counselor to work through their struggles. Plenty more people are content enough with their lives. But some are truly happy. Where does that happiness come from? Does money buy it? Self-confidence? Safety? Support systems? A fulfilling job? Pets? Everyone’s combination of life experience is different, but repeated studies have identified that some groups tend to be happier than others. Recent studies have looked a bit closer at the happiness quotient of two specific (though very different) groups: people who live in “walkable” neighborhoods, and people who are involved in church. Both had one major factor in common: human relationships.

First, churchgoers. Religion’s “secret ingredient” for making people happy, says the study, is the social ties people build when involved in a religious community. This is not to say that private spirituality is without positive psychological value; past studies have found that spirituality reduces both stress and depression. But those who attend church and build relationships there are consistently happier than those who attend and do not build relationships. Second, the study on walkable neighborhoods and well-being. Walkable neighborhoods provide easy access to post offices, parks, restaurants, playgrounds, barbershops, and club meeting venues. People who live in walkable neighborhoods tend to build “social capital” – they are more likely to meet people, become involved in community volunteer work, build relationships through that work, and ultimately feel happier. (more…)

Starting the day with fibromyalgia pain made Vera angry

Fibromyalgia made it hard for 46 year old Vera to get her legs out of bed in the morning. As she moved toward the bathroom and began her toilette, the pangs of pain moved to her hands, head and neck. It brought tears to her eyes. It made her angry to think that Kurt hadn’t even thought of organizing things around the house to make life a little easier for her. Vera remembered the arguments about accompanying her on doctor appointments and got even angrier. But she never said anything to him. She turned her mind to the support group she would attend later that day, although it wasn’t successful in easing her physical discomfort.

Vera found it easier to focus on the fibromyalgia pain than her scary emotions

As she ate breakfast, flashbacks of her early family file flooded Vera’s vision. She relived the tension she used to feel coming home from school wondering if her parents would fight out loud or give each other the cold shoulder. Her mother would take out her frustration on Vera the oldest and quietest of her kids. Her muscles tightened up as she recalled the fear of uncertainty and not knowing how to speak about her worries. It was the same thing now. She didn’t know how to talk about the anxiety of not being able to take care of herself. Vera had no words for the anger at her father for not making her mother happy, and at Kurt for being equally insensitive and uncaring. What she did have was body pain that ranged from dull aches to excruciating pain for which no specific organic cause had been found. Fibromyalgia was the diagnosis. It came with fatigue, slowing down of actions and restricting her life. It was making Vera dependent on pain medication and on a husband who let her down, repeating the cycle of her childhood. (more…)

Why do so many men sabotage relationships and careers? Current cultural stereotypes of men range from bumbling incompetence to aggressive, macho insensitivity. I’ve worked with men in therapy and personal growth workshops for over 25 years, and I’ve identified a type of adult man I call the LATE Men, Lost, Angry Teens, and they are often stuck in an adolescent level of development – literally, LATE to grow into full adult functioning.

We all have four primary internal parts: An Inner Child, a Teenager, an Inner Critic, and a loving, responsible Adult. The Teenager seeks independence, identity, and acceptance with peers. Teens may also become rebellious, angry, confused and withdrawn. Adjustment problems are more likely to occur in distressed or dysfunctional families, where adolescents do not receive the guidance, emotional support, and other resources necessary for healthy maturation and individuation. (more…)

Folded hands and wedding ring resting on table

One of the most arduous decisions you may ever have to make is whether to stay married to someone who has cheated on you. For many people, the decision to not stay in the marriage is pretty straightforward, most often due to moralistic views about infidelity and the covenant of marriage. More often than not it’s complicated, and deciding whether to divorce or salvage a marriage can be heartbreaking and confusing. Marriage is a huge investment for many people, and as with anything in life, the greater the investment, the greater the loss. Marriage is tied up with many dreams, expectations, and fantasies, so divorce is a hugely difficult decision that should be taken very seriously.

Here are some issues that can get in the way of making a sound decision about whether to divorce:

Fear
Fear is at the core of most bad decisions. When we make choices in life based on fear, we are using the most primitive part of the human brain, a part designed to help us respond to dangerous situations for survival purposes. Human beings are the only species with a more evolved part of the brain that allows us to assess, reflect, and consider a situation before acting on it. This is the part of the brain we want to be using when making decisions about whether to divorce. Slowing things down, not acting hastily, and talking with a professional will help you achieve this goal.

Having Children
Many divorcing couples base their decision to stay in a marriage on their children. While it is extremely important to consider the impact of divorce on your children, it is helpful to not make them the determining factor. Children can easily be used as scapegoats to help parents avoid looking at all the options, even if those choices do not offer the most ideal consequences. There are many divorced households in which the children actually do better, so staying together for the children is not always the only and best solution. Meeting with a child therapist and reading up on the impact of divorce on children will help you make an educated decision.

Low Self-Esteem
Staying in a marriage because you are afraid there is nothing better out there is an issue of low self-esteem. Not feeling worthy of something better leads people to stay in bad marriages at the expense of their own happiness. Working on building your self-esteem and being clear about your value will help you make a proper decision about staying or leaving. Feeling empowered and complete with yourself is a valuable goal regardless of where you are in life, so use this opportunity for personal growth.

Black-and-White Thinking
Thinking in terms of right and wrong is the most obvious form of black-and-white thinking. It is easy to slip into a moralistic or righteous place after an infidelity, but it’s just a way of coping with the painful truth. Black-and-white thinking is very limiting and can lead to making a decision that is not founded on the whole truth. It is important to approach the decision to divorce with flexibility and openness to all options. Staying in the gray, as opposed to rigidly clinging to the black or white, allows for a more efficient and genuine decision.

Anger
Anger, not unlike fear, is not the best state of mind to be in when making a decision about your marital situation. Anger is a defense mechanism we use to gain control in a powerless situation, and it can cause us to make rash decisions that are not based on fact. If you respond to the circumstances of your marital conflict with anger as opposed to a calmness and clarity, you become blind to the possibility of potential solutions or answers. While the anger you feel may be justified and expected, it does not serve you in dealing with this important decision.

Uncertainty
Uncertainty breeds the tendency to cling to what we know. When it comes to the unpredictable future that is inherent in divorce, the first instinct is to hold on to the past because it’s familiar. The decision to stay or leave a marriage can be clouded by the unpredictable nature of your future without your partner, but the truth is that your future is unpredictable whether you are married or not. However, it is important to remember that the best predictor of the future is the past, so use your past experiences, successes, and failures to provide you with an accurate assessment of what you are capable of doing going forward. This will help you make a choice that is founded on the realities of who you are.

Deciding to stay in or leave a marriage can be torturous. Often, the heart and mind are conflicting when it comes to marriage and divorce, so it is normal to feel confused and uncertain about what to do. It can also be confounding to make a decision about something that doesn’t appear to have any positive consequences. Consulting a professional, becoming aware of your thinking and feelings, and taking the proper amount of time and space is integral to making the best possible decision for your future.

hand holding heart in front of city scene“Generosity brings happiness at every stage of its expression.
We experience joy in forming the intention to be generous.
We experience joy in the actual act of giving something.
And we experience joy in remembering the fact that we have given.”

—The Buddha

The universe works in mysterious ways, often paradoxically. When you give compassion, you open to receive it. When you give love, love comes to you. When you give money or material possessions, your wealth increases. Whatever the focus of your generosity, the underlying assumption is abundance: there is plenty for everyone.

What keeps you from giving freely? Fear. Fear that you won’t have enough, that there is a limited amount of what you want or need in the universe, and you will be short-changed.

I am not suggesting you give everything away, as that shows a lack of basic self-care. But when you let go of possessions and money, when you bravely open your heart to love, when you bestow a kind word or smile on someone, you open unseen portals for goodness, compassion, and prosperity to flow to you.

Of course, when you feel unloved, financially stressed, or beset with personal demons, it is hard to do the opposite of how you might reflexively want to act. It is natural to want to conserve your energy and funds and close your heart when life is particularly stressful. But by taking a leap and having faith that the universe will provide, you change your energy. This allows you to see new opportunities and let life bestow what you need.

It is crucial to remember that you may not get what you asked for in the exact form you desired or envisioned. Perhaps you asked for a loving relationship, and the man or woman of your dreams didn’t come knocking at your door. But maybe while waiting, you developed self-compassion, self-love, and self-acceptance. Weren’t those exactly what you were hoping to find in a relationship: someone who would show you compassion, love, and accept you as you are?

When you can really let go and assume the universe provides, you can deeply relax. This doesn’t happen overnight. It requires a big leap of faith and a lot of practice.

One way to enhance your abilities in the leap-of-faith department is to meditate on the concept of plenty. It is not that the universe will change and just send you everything you want: it’s that you change and, as a result, things appear.

Sometimes, when you feel most afraid financially, the best thing you can do is donate some money to charity. It doesn’t have to be your rent check, just something to symbolically teach you that what you need will come back to you. Another technique is to buy yourself a treat when you feel as if you can’t afford it. This shows your faith in yourself and the universe. I am not suggesting going into debt, just a small item to help you escape a poverty mentality.

Similarly, when you feel lonely, go out into the world and smile at someone, call a friend who may also be flying solo, or write a loving note, text, or email. Again, by giving what you seek you change your energy.

Letting your love show when you feel vulnerable takes great courage. Giving money, time, and kindness when you acutely feel their lack is deeply generous and openhearted. By letting go and giving freely, you enhance your connection with others and imbue life with more meaning.

Remember: a radical shift in consciousness and behavior takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself as you gradually change your behaviors. Your worldview will shift accordingly, leaving you more positive, peaceful, and empowered.

Some suggestions:

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.