You never saw it coming. Your partner said, “We need to talk,” and you immediately began searching your memory banks: What did I do? Did I forget to pay the phone bill? Or take out the trash? Nope. Nothing so benign, something far scarier: they* want to change your monogamous relationship to … what? Something else. Why? What does this mean?

Why an Open Relationship?

First, a little reassurance is in order. There is nothing “wrong” with you, or with them. You are and will be okay. But why is this happening? You will need to conduct a little investigation into the specifics of your situation, but the options are numerous and many of them spring from the idea that one person cannot be another person’s everything. That your partner should meet every single one of your needs is a cultural construct that is often unrealistic and nearly unachievable. The idealized story goes something like this: person meets person, and in a whirlwind of romance the two come together in blissful harmony, they more or less agree on everything, have the same interests, love each other’s friends and family, support each other through work and family stress, agree about financial allocations, and, of course, are entirely sexually compatible. Does this sound like your relationship? Perhaps not.

Many couples work things out between them, perhaps leaning on friends or family for support. Others consider the possibility that adding additional people to the mix could make everyone happier. This is where the idea of “opening up,” or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), comes in. CNM is practiced by approximately 2-3% of all American adults currently, with about one-third of Americans describing their ideal relationship as something other than completely monogamous. CNM is a blanket term used to describe non-traditional relationships including, but not limited to, open relationships, swinging, and polyamory**. Changing the nature of your twosome could fall into one of these general areas, but what that means to the two of you will be unique.

Things Will Change

Once you have had “the talk,” your relationship will never be quite the same again. That’s okay. You’ll consider what course to chart in this new phase of your relationship. If opening up your relationship is an attempt to fix what is broken, you should consider putting down this article and packing a bag. However, if you and your partner have a respectful, secure, loving relationship to begin with, opening up could be an option for you. Many partners travel this road because the sexual intensity between the two of them has decreased over time. Others hope that the inclusion of additional partners will result in all parties being a little bit happier. Research suggests that about 3-7% of adults may be in a consensual non-monogamous relationship and up to 25% may have had past experiences with consensual non-monogamy. Whatever the reasons, you or your partner are ready to give something new a try.

The Path Forward – Talk to Each Other

Once you’ve had “the talk,” what happens next? More talking. Success in any type of CNM relationship depends on sincere, honest, and vulnerable communication. Initially, it is a good idea to explore with your partner what “opening up” means to them. Listen to them with openness and curiosity, and then look inward to see how that sits with you. Ask questions, and do not make assumptions. Be wary of potentially loaded words like “reasonable” without defining what reasonable means. (I may think it is perfectly reasonable to come home at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday morning; you, however, may think it is irresponsible and disrespectful.)

Poor communication and misunderstanding are common challenges and will have to be addressed thoughtfully on an ongoing basis. Another common challenge that partners face during the initial stages of opening up is how they can protect themselves from getting hurt. For instance, jealousy is common when opening up a relationship. Rather than seeing it as a failure, treat it as a signal about your needs or boundaries. Talk with your partner about what triggers jealousy, explore your feelings, and consider therapy approaches that focus on acceptance and emotional insight.

One way partners opening up for the first time attempt to avoid feeling their feelings is to establish “rules.” Loads and loads of rules. Many partners worry about discomfort and try to create rules to prevent it. Rules are typically designed in an attempt to mitigate any possible feelings of discomfort in the future. For example, you cannot take a date to our favorite restaurant, or you will not engage in this or that particular sexual position with someone else. While rigid, fear-based rules can restrict exploration and signal mistrust, thoughtfully negotiated agreements can provide safety, clarity, and respect for everyone involved.

However, excessive rules can signify deeper flaws in a relationship, such as a lack of trust or communication. Other, currently unknown, humans will be involved with the two of you at some point, and they have feelings too! Trying to control everyone and everything so that you never have to experience discomfort definitely doesn’t work. So what does work? You may have guessed it: more talking. Direct and clear communication about how you feel when something causes you discomfort is the best way to get your needs met, with couples therapy emphasizing acceptance-based strategies and empathic joining to improve intimacy and tolerance of problems.

Finding Support

As you embark on your journey, consider community. Look online for support groups and other like-minded individuals or couples. Read books about the particular type of consensual non-monogamy you are considering. Improve your communication skills. Consider enlisting a therapist to help you explore the discomforts that arise for you, or a couple’s therapist to help you and your partner navigate the challenges that arise between the two of you (make sure this therapist is familiar with the lifestyle you are pursuing). However, it’s important to note that many therapeutic approaches are based on monogamous paradigms, so finding a CNM-informed therapist can significantly improve the quality of care. They are familiar with ethical non-monogamy and trained to support non-traditional relationship structures. Ask prospective therapists about their experience with polyamory, open relationships, or swinging to ensure a safe and understanding space. This is a journey, and it is OK, in fact, it is recommended, to ask for help along the way.

• A quick note about pronoun selection. I adhere to the now widespread use of “they” as an all-inclusive singular pronoun.

** “Open relationships” refer to sexual connections with others outside the primary relationship; “swinging” is a partner activity of a sexual nature; “polyamory” is a bit more complex, but refers to romantic and sexual connections with others outside of the primary relationship in a wide variety of configurations.

> To find a therapist begin your search today.

References:

1. Balzarini, R. N., Campbell, L., Kohut, T., Holmes, B. M., Lehmiller, J. J., Harman, J. J., & Atkins, N. (2019). Perceived impacts of cross-sex friendships on romantic relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(6), 1697-1711.
2. Ducommun‐Nagy, C., et al. (2023). Contextual therapy foundations in couple and family work. Family Process, 62(4), 1234-1250.
3. Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424-440.
4. Moors, A. C., Rubin, J. D., Matsick, J. L., & Conley, T. D. (2023). Prevalence and correlates of consensual non-monogamy in the United States: A nationally representative study. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52, 1465–1481. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02543-7
5. Morrens, M., et al. (2025). Margins or mainstream: A cross-sectional study on consensual and non-consensual non-monogamy in the general Belgian adult population. Humanities and Social Sciences Communications, 12, Article 1699.
6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Mental health and relationships. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/relationships
7. OPEN (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy). (2024). Community survey report: Understanding non-monogamy in 2024. https://www.open-love.org/blog/open-2024-community-survey-report
8. YouGov. (2023). How many Americans prefer non-monogamy in relationships? https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/45271-how-many-americans-prefer-nonmonogamy-relationship

People choose to open their relationships for many reasons, and there are many ways to do it. From swinging to polyamory and everything in between, each couple venturing outside the bounds of monogamy must navigate the arrangement that works best for them. The books referenced at the bottom of this article contain a wealth of information about open relationship styles. Before leaping into the unknown, it’s important to consider whether nonmonogamy is right for you. Consider the following questions—and then read up.

1. Is your mental and emotional health well-managed?

An open relationship can work wonderfully for many couples, but it may not be a good idea if you or your partner have unmanaged mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, mood conditions, posttraumatic stress (PTSD), or bipolar. The complexities of an open relationship style may exacerbate untreated mental health issues.

If you struggle with your mental health, as many people do, consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist to address your needs and to discuss the potential mental health implications of opening your relationship. [fat_widget_right]

2. What is your attachment style?

Your attachment style determines how secure you feel in romantic relationships, and it is typically established in childhood based on your relationship with parents or caregivers. If you are anxiously attached and often fear that your partner will leave you, an open relationship may trigger those fears and lead to problems. This doesn’t mean an open relationship is not for you—rather, it means you should be honest with yourself about what it will take for you to feel secure.

Also, know that attachment styles can become more secure with time and healing. The book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love has good information about attachment styles. There are also online resources and quizzes, including this one, that can help you learn about your attachment style and that of your partner.

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3. Does your relationship have significant unaddressed problems or issues?

Don’t expect an open relationship to fix a relationship that is on the rocks. It’s wise to go to couples therapy and address any issues between you and your partner before considering an open relationship.

Every relationship, open or not, has its issues. You don’t have to be a “perfect” couple to open your relationship, but you will likely be better able to handle any challenges that arise if you feel confident that your relationship is on strong footing.

4. How well do you communicate with each other?

Having a successful open relationship requires a LOT of communication. If you and your partner struggle being open and honest with each other, communication practices such as active/reflective listening, using I-statements, and focusing on feelings and needs are an excellent place to start.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

Couples therapy is a great place to learn and practice healthy communication and to talk through any concerns you might have about opening your relationship.

5. How busy are you?

If you struggle to make time for your partner as it is, adding another partner isn’t going to help.

Having an open relationship takes a lot of time—time openly communicating, time spent coordinating, time spent checking in on each other’s needs and feelings, and, of course, one-on-one time with each partner. Take an honest look at your calendar and make sure you have time for all of it. Make sure opening your relationship won’t have an unexpected domino effect of taking time away from other priorities in your life.

6. How do you feel about your partner having sex with another person?

Some people are turned on and excited by this, while others have a knee-jerk reaction against it. If you are in the second group, this is an opportunity for personal exploration. Ask yourself why. What concerns does it bring up? What are you afraid of?

Keep asking questions until you uncover the underlying fear. For instance, beneath jealousy may be a part of you that fears abandonment. Fears often contain some component of irrationality, as they represent unconscious beliefs that can be traced to previous experiences. Try to understand that fearful part of yourself and find out what it needs to feel safe. Remember there are different ways to get your needs met. Be candid with yourself, keep an open mind, and most importantly, be gentle with yourself and with your partner, as these are vulnerable topics.

7. How well do you identify and communicate your needs to your partner?

People who have healthy relationships, open or otherwise, are able to identify their feelings and needs, take responsibility for them, and communicate them to their partners in productive ways. Being in an open relationship provides many opportunities to practice this, which may make you a stronger and better communicator.

Consider this hypothetical example: Brenda and Aaron decided to open their marriage three months ago. They’ve both been on a few dates, and Brenda has been struggling with jealousy and insecurity. Brenda could say to Aaron, “I’m feeling nervous and worried about your date tonight (identifying and verbalizing feelings). I fear you will like her more than me and will pull away from me or possibly leave (identifying the underlying fear). I need to know you are committed to us (making a specific request).” Aaron could then say, “Brenda, I understand your fear; I have felt similarly when you go out (validating her feelings). I think you are beautiful. I love you, and I am so happy in our relationship (affirming Brenda and the relationship). I am 100% committed to us (reaffirming his commitment).” Brenda may still have feelings of fear, nervousness, and jealousy, but if she feels anchored by Aaron’s validation and reassurance, she may be better able to manage those feelings.

No one is perfect, and conversations don’t always flow this easily. However, having a relationship grounded in trust, good communication skills, and the ability to identify and share feelings will go a long way.

Conclusion

Although many couples are exploring nonmonogamy, it doesn’t work for everyone. It’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner about any concerns you might have. If you decide to try an open relationship, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “fix” any existing problems.

It’s also important to consider the risks. Nonmonogamy remains stigmatized in many cultures and work environments, which can present complications. Educating yourself about the possible benefits and drawbacks, as well as safe sex practices, is essential, and a therapist can help you unpack any concerns you and your partner might have. Many therapists work specifically with nonmonogamous individuals and couples.

If you are curious about open relationships, consider the questions above before opening up rather than after. If you determine that an open relationship may work for you and your partner, check out the books below for helpful guidance on navigating nonmonogamy in an ethical and sustainable way.

References:

1. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships, and other freedoms in sex and love. Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts.
2. Taormino, T. (2008). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press.
3. Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More than two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Portland, OR: Thorntree Press.