Covert narcissism, which tends to be expressed in passive or indirect ways, differs from what most people might imagine when they hear “narcissism.” Those with traits of covert narcissism may seem shy or overly sensitive, but this apparent self-effacement typically masks grandiose thoughts and an internal sense of superiority, or belief that one is better than others. This form of narcissism may be more subtle and less easy to recognize.

Along these lines, a mother who has traits of covert narcissism may appear, on the surface, to be self-effacing and self-sacrificing. Everything she does is for the benefit of her children. The community sees a parent who is room mom, PTA president, or sanctified Sunday school teacher. Her social media presence may rival that of a minor celebrity! At every game, activity, and lesson, Mom is involved in her daughter’s every decision—so involved, in fact, that Daughter is never allowed to make any decisions on her own. This level of intimacy between mother and daughter is seen by most as something that is “all good,” but a more careful look reveals this is not the case.

The apparent closeness of the mother-daughter relationship can obscure the reality of the situation—Mom is relying on her daughter in ways that are unhealthy for both of them. In this case, it is the needs of the mother, not the daughter, that are the central driving force in the relationship. [fat_widget_right]

Covert Maternal Narcissism Through the Life Cycle

When a mother-daughter dynamic is affected by the mother’s covert narcissism, the impact of this can be seen throughout the daughter’s life. A mother who is narcissistically defended experiences her daughter’s growing independence as a threat. Her defenses make it hard to take the losses and incorporate them at each developmental stage. Psychologically, she cannot withstand the losses involved in allowing her daughter to become more independent.

To counter this independence, Mom establishes herself and her own needs as primary, thus making it more and more difficult for her daughter to find her voice and claim her life for herself. In other words, the mother can be said to appropriate her daughter’s right to live her own life at each developmental stage. She isn’t doing this with “evil” intent. She is simply unable to let go of her daughter.

Here is how this dynamic can play out at each developmental stage, with the mother’s needs centered to forestall the daughter’s individuation:

• Infancy. Mom guards her role of primary caregiver jealously and has a hard time letting anyone else, including Dad, become special to Daughter.
• Toddler and preschool years. Daughter begins to exert independence, and Mom is displeased. She tends to resort quickly to punishment and is likely to shame any behavior she considers rebellious. When Daughter enters day care or preschool, Mom sends mixed messages, signaling to Daughter that she isn’t safe with anyone but Mom. Daughters usually have major separation anxiety at this juncture.
• Adolescent and preteen years. Mom inserts herself in all of Daughter’s friendships. She evaluates harshly any friend or friendship interaction, frequently forbidding her daughter to remain friends with anyone she doesn’t approve of. Different tastes in hair, makeup, clothing, and even music are all experienced as an affront to Mom. Major battles often are the result. There is no agreement to disagree, only discord and major standoffs.
• Teenage years. When Daughter begins to date, Mom sees boys as a major threat. What is normally a difficult time between mothers and daughters may escalate into a full-blown Armageddon.
• Marriage. When Daughter marries, Mom’s needs, taste, and preferences often dictate wedding plans. Decisions are likely to be mother/daughter decisions instead of decisions made by the couple, and Mom’s opinions usually prevail.
• Daughter’s first child. Mom’s first grandchild is a major event in her life, and she works hard to establish her importance as doting, adoring grandmother. She gives unsolicited advice and frequently demands she be included in important family decisions, acting as a partner to her daughter. As a result, the child’s other parent is frequently marginalized. Daughter may frequently hear from others, “What a saint your mother is. You are so lucky to have her help!”

In a functional mother/daughter relationship, it is normal for each of these stages of development to involve losses for both mother and daughter. However, mothers with narcissistic defenses often cannot take the normal developmental loss that would allow their daughter to individuate and separate in a healthy way. The daughters of these mothers often feel trapped in the role of “Good Daughter,” acting to fulfill an obligation they may not be fully aware of: filling the sense of emptiness Mom experiences. Daughters may not have the language to fully describe covert narcissism, or the behavior of their mothers, or how the dynamic affects them, but they may know “If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy”—if Mom doesn’t feel happy and fulfilled, no one else can, either.

The Effects of Covert Narcissism

The impact of covert narcissism in the mother/daughter dynamic can be far-reaching, even when it goes unrecognized. Some of the people I’ve worked with in therapy are completely unaware of the pressure playing the role of Good Daughter exerts on them, though they feel the effects.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. 

Daughters trapped in the role of Good Daughter feel an intense pressure to make their narcissistically defended mothers look and feel good. In childhood and young adulthood, daughters may strive to fulfill this need through achievement, performance, and—above all—good behavior. The first priority is making Mom look like a great mom, not the growing independence and needs of Daughter.

As an adult, Daughter takes on the role of making Mom feel needed, relevant, and special. She labors under the pressure to fill Mom’s need to remain primary in her life, as Mom’s narcissistic defenses mandate this to be so.

Daughters of narcissistically defended mothers typically sacrifice their own emotional authenticity in order to keep their mothers happy. In short, they don’t know how they feel. They only know how they should behave in order to fulfill Mom’s needs and how they should make her feel. As a result, they may experience guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they struggle with internal conflict. Often, they may be unaware of the intrapsychic conflict behind their struggle. As they attempt to move toward independence, they may feel guilty or ashamed without fully understanding why. These daughters may also unconsciously sabotage their successes in order to keep their mother relevant.

In short, Mom’s emotions can crush the Good Daughter’s essential self and rule her life. The demands and pressures of the Good Daughter role underlie much of the anxiety and depression seen in women today.

How Can Mother and Daughter Heal From This Dynamic?

A daughter’s yearning—her need—to individuate and grow apart from her mother is in conflict with the competing desire to gain both her mother’s approval and the permission to separate psychologically. In a dynamic where the mother is narcissistically defended, this permission is unlikely to be granted. When a mother’s need to be relevant prevents her from letting her daughter go, her daughter is harmed, and she is also at risk for repeating the cycle with her own daughter.

Through psychotherapy, daughters can gain awareness of their internal conflict. The support of a trained and compassionate counselor can help them get in touch with their healthy striving for psychological independence and explore how to make this separation. By breaking free of the cycle of covert narcissism, the Good Daughter can empower her own daughter while healing herself.

Mothers with traits of covert narcissism can also benefit from psychotherapy, when they are willing to do the hard work it requires. Our culture does little to support mothers as they lose relevance in their daughter’s lives, but through therapy, mothers who struggle to let go can confront this difficulty and learn strategies to absorb, incorporate, and even grow from the losses they experience as their daughters grow and reach adulthood.

Note: This article refers specifically to the dynamic between a mother with traits of covert narcissism and her daughter. Parent-child relationships of any gender combination can be similarly touched by covert narcissism. 

References: 

1. Payson, E. D. (2009). The wizard of Oz & other narcissists. Royal Oak, MI: Julian Day Publications.
2. Miller, A. (1997). The drama of the gifted child, revised ed. New York, NY: Basic Books.
3. Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Roy Publishers, Inc.

Sixty-one percent of mothers have been criticized for their parenting choices, according to new data from the C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health. Rather than questioning their choices, most women (67%) reported that the criticism made them feel more strongly about their parenting choices.

Mom Shaming a Common Annoyance

“Mom shaming” is the practice of criticizing a woman’s parenting choices, often without considering the role of fathers, other caregivers, cultural factors, or financial constraints in these choices. Parenting decisions can carry significant emotional and cultural weight. Mom shaming can be a source of distress that labels women as bad mothers.

To explore the prevalence and effects of mom shaming, researchers asked a sample of mothers of children ages 0-5 about their experiences with mom shaming. The survey asked about specific sources of mom shaming, such as breastfeeding versus bottle-feeding, sleep habits, and car seat safety. It also included questions about who shamed mothers and how they reacted.

[fat_widget_right]Most women (61%) faced criticism of their parenting choices. Their parents were the most common source (37%), followed by their spouse or co-parent (36%) and in-laws (31%). Friends (14%) were less likely to criticize, as were other mothers in public settings (12%). Social media accounted for just 7% of shaming. Health care providers (8%) and childcare providers (6%) were also less frequent critics.

Discipline was the most common source of criticism (70%), though feeding choices (52%) and sleep (46%) also figured prominently.

How Does Shaming Affect Mothers?

Mothers reported a range of responses to shaming. Most sought out more information (60%) or asked a health care provider (53%). About a third (37%) changed the way they parent, but for most mothers, criticism solidified their belief in their own parenting choices.

A significant number (42%) also reported increased insecurity in their parenting choices due to criticism. Half said they avoid critical people, and 56% said their experiences of mom shaming caused them to stop criticizing other mothers.

Reference:

Mom shaming or constructive criticism? Perspectives of mothers. (2017, June 19). Retrieved from http://mottnpch.org/reports-surveys/mom-shaming-or-constructive-criticism-perspectives-mothers

It has been said motherhood is a thankless job, and this often feels true. There are a lot of things moms do to keep their families running, and many of these tasks seem to go unnoticed, which can contribute to moms experiencing overwhelm and burnout.

A few weeks ago, I found myself incredibly irritated after a tiff I had with my husband. It was during a morning when I was feeling particularly tired, run down, under the weather, and stressed about the many things I needed to get done. As I rushed to get out the door and drop the kids off at school, I snapped at him about something. He, in turn, got annoyed. It turned into a heated argument where he pointed out everything he was doing to help pick up the slack while I was exhausted and not feeling well during my third pregnancy. This threw me over the edge. How dare he point out the fact he washed some dishes and gave the kids a bath! Did he want me to break away from the 8,000 things I had to get done to present him with a medal?

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While I so appreciate the help, it felt like only a small dent in the laundry list of things I had on my plate that week. As I drove off, I fumed. And then I came to realize the hundreds of things I had to get done weren’t even on his radar.

This happened to be around the same time I was internally beating myself up for not meeting my own expectations for the kind of mom I wanted to be. I was juggling work, parenting, and being the chair for a large fundraiser about to take place, and I’d had to tell my daughter multiple times that week I was too busy to play with her. And just the day before, I’d found myself blowing up and yelling at my kids because my patience had reached a threshold. I felt terrible about it.

Feeling like I was on a tightrope without a net, I tried to cut myself some slack. I sat down and began listing all the things I do as a mom with young children. There is the obvious—feeding the kids, driving them to and from activities, breaking up sibling fights, doing laundry, washing dishes, planning meals, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning. But what I realized as I started to think about the little burdens on my mental to-do list is there are so many other little tasks cluttering my mind. In and of themselves, they may seem like minor things. But when you add them all up, these often-unrecognized tasks create a hefty workload for moms who are basically the equivalent to unpaid, overworked project managers. Sometimes it just feels like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get it all done.

Seeing these tasks laid out in a bullet-point list helped me to take a step back and recognize that, even on the days I feel like a crappy mom for sticking my kids in front of the TV, I am still doing a lot to be a caring and responsible parent.

Below, I present my ever-growing list in hopes it helps other moms realize, “Wow, yes! I do a lot!” (It should be noted I recognize dads also do a lot and that they may, in fact, cover many of the things on my list—as well as tasks that don’t appear here—in their own households.)

The Invisible Laundry List

• Manage school schedules and the “family calendar” (know when there are days off, field trips, teacher conferences, etc.)
• Pack lunches and make sure the kids’ favorite snacks are well stocked
• Pump, store, and manage milk supply if breastfeeding
• Fill out school enrollment and registration forms and pay attention to deadlines
• Manage correspondence with teachers, etc.
• Plan for play dates
• Organize extracurricular activities and plan for summer camps
• Buy kids’ wardrobes every season and make sure they have shoes that fit
• Make sure kids have attire for special occasions
• Schedule and take kids to doctor and dentist appointments
• Make sure Children’s Tylenol, Motrin, etc. are stocked, and know the proper dosing and intervals for each child by age/weight
• Make sure the bathroom is stocked with shampoo, bubble bath, toothpaste the kids like, etc.
• Plan for birthday parties and holidays, buy gifts
• RSVP to birthday parties and buy the gifts
• Remember to send gifts, cards, etc. to family members for various occasions
• Write thank-you notes for gifts children receive
• Schedule babysitters
• Baby-proof the house
• Keep the diaper bag stocked with diapers, wipes, cups, snacks, toys—and lug it around
• Pack clothes, toothbrushes, toys, favorite stuffed animals, etc. for kids when traveling
• Store and/or donate clothes the kids have outgrown
• Make sure kids get their nails trimmed and hair cut

Oh, and grow and birth humans, which, given the exhaustion and nausea pregnancy entails, is no small feat while keeping up with everything listed above if you have other children.

Moms do and manage a lot! And we do so while trying to make time to play with each child and remain calm and positive when disciplining. At times, it can be overwhelming or downright impossible.

Moms do and manage a lot! And we do so while trying to make time to play with each child and remain calm and positive when disciplining. At times, it can be overwhelming or downright impossible.

When I was younger, I was in the photography club at school and found myself irritated when rolls of film would pile up and my mom could never find the time to drop them off to be developed. How hard could it be? Just drop the film off and pick it up next week, I thought. I hate to admit it, but I now understand why she never did remember to bring that film to the store.

Recently, I found myself with a few hours of unexpected alone time when my morning plans got canceled at the last minute. I dropped my daughter off at school and walked back to my car, trying to decide what I was going to do with this gift of free time. I ended up sitting idly in the parking lot for a good 15 minutes at a complete loss for what to do next. Sure, there were about 800 errands I needed to do and would love to do while kid-free. But, ironically, I couldn’t think of a single thing in that moment.

I realized my brain is typically so cluttered with the long list of things that need to be done that in an instance of quiet and unstructured time, it went blank. I finally took a few deep breaths and thought about how my advice to others would be to embrace the silence and seize the opportunity to do something self-care related.

When we have so many responsibilities, it can be hard to stop and take time out to escape from the pandemonium of things weighing on our minds. But sometimes, pausing to give ourselves a chance to rest and relax is exactly what we need. By remembering to take time out, find balance, and sometimes put our own needs for sanity first, we give ourselves a reset that allows us to have a renewed outlook. We ultimately become better equipped to face the tasks, challenges, and stressors life presents.

If you, too, are a busy, overwhelmed mom, take just 10 minutes now to find some quiet, to sit down and relax. Make your own list of all you do. Writing it out is not only cathartic, but it can give you the opportunity to stop and give yourself the praise you so deserve.