Mixed Emotions: You Get to Feel How You Feel

Sometimes, when we experience a confusing situation in our lives, like a tricky misunderstanding, a missed flight, a difficult loss, or even positive news we weren’t expecting, mixed emotions can leave us in a nagging bind over how to process it. We can tie ourselves up wondering, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” Or, we might stressfully say to ourselves, “I know I should feel [insert desired emotion] about this, but I just feel [insert actual emotion]!”

More Than One Feeling Can Be True

Our emotions, like our lives and the people around us, are nuanced and rich. In my psychotherapy practice, I’ve supported many people over the years who can be hard on themselves for how they feel, however unintentionally. And I don’t exempt myself from this, either.

We live in a culture that reinforces the idea that to feel better means to look at a situation in a certain way, or that certain emotions are better than others. But the truth is, it’s normal, human, and honest to feel multiple ways about a single event.

Rather than believing we should feel only one way about something and trying to talk ourselves out of anything else, acknowledging the range of our feelings is what helps us begin to feel better. This has nothing to do with our character or how we choose to act. This is just a way for us to have our own backs within the safety of our own minds, by being honest with ourselves about how we’re feeling.

If self-judgment is loud, it may help to notice whether an inner critic is trying to manage the situation for you. You do not have to argue with that part of yourself. You can simply make more room for the full truth of what you feel.

A Five-Minute Experiment

This is certainly easier said than done, and it may not be news to some. But if this concept resonates with you, here’s an experiment to play with: the next time you have five minutes to yourself, maybe while brushing your teeth or commuting, give yourself the gift of slowing down to identify each of your emotions about something you experienced recently.

The internal validation might feel strange if you’re not used to it, but you might notice even just a glimmer of relief from it, and maybe even insight. You get to feel how you feel.

When Support Can Help

Sometimes this practice is enough for the moment. Other times, mixed emotions may feel intense, confusing, persistent, or tied to anxiety, grief, burnout, relationship pain, identity questions, or older experiences. Therapy can offer a steady place to slow down and understand what is happening inside without adding shame.

Approaches such as mindfulness-based therapy, relational therapy, psychodynamic therapy, and Internal Family Systems therapy may help some people build a more compassionate relationship with different parts of themselves. The right fit depends on your needs, history, preferences, and relationship with the therapist.

About the Author Shirin Shoai, LMFT Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Oakland, California Shirin Shoai, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Oakland, California. She offers mindfulness-based, depth-oriented Internal Family Systems therapy for adults navigating anxiety, self-doubt, life transitions, burnout, boundaries, and self-criticism. Her work is trauma-informed, collaborative, relational, psychodynamic, and grounded in somatic awareness. She is also a Level 3 Certified IFS Therapist and Approved Clinical Consultant. View Profile >