By Lynne Foote, MA, LPC,
Three qualities that are essential for creating a healthy, enduring relationship are: respect, friendship, and trust. When we hold respect for our partner, we foster a feeling of esteem and admiration. We feel good about who they are. We see them in a positive light. And this positive factor has been proven to be a critical determinant in the health and welfare of a couple. John Gottman, who has directed the “Love Lab” at the University of Washington in Seattle since 1986, has a 90% accuracy rate at predicting which newlywed couples choose to stay together vs. those who divorce 4... Read the rest of this entry »
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Hello, Just a word to warn potential future client about LAURIE AGEE, a Gottman therapist with very poor ethics. I have seen several different therapists in my life for long periods of time and Laurie Agee is not worth all the money she charges. Sorry but i need to share this. If this is not an appropriate place to do so then can you please let me know of some other bogs where I talk about my experience.
This article is speaking directly to me. I found out very recently that my husband has been using internet pornography for years now, and suddenly everything became clear to me. We had always had a very good sex life as far as I was concerned but it was becoming increasingly difficult to have a connection in the bedroom. He really did seem to be very disinterested in me. I thought for sure that he was having an affair. And i guess in a strange way he was, only it was not with just one person. It was with the hundreds of porn websites that he frequented over the years. I was so angry that I could have knocked his head off. But I knew that in order for our marriage to survive I had to come to a time and place where I could forgive him and begin the hard work that it would take to move on. We have entered couples therapy and you are right- it is not just about sex but about learning how to reconnect with one another. I have to learn that this was not about me and that he has to be the one to deal with and overcome this compulsion to seek an escape from life online. It is hard work but I have faith that we will get there.
I am a sex therapist, and while I agree with some of what you have written, I don't agree 100%. For many couples, it is a myth that if you fix what's wrong outside the bedroom, they will start having sex. The fact is that we get poor sex education--it's all the 2 p's--plumbing and prevention. People get into long term relationships and they don't understand the level of communication that needs to occur to keep sex passionate and meaningful. And, a whopping 40% of women and 30% of men have a sexual dysfunction--and that's probably under reported. BTW, the stat that I have on sexless marriage is 25% of marriages. If this was an illness, it would be called an epidemic. My wish is that more therapists would have deeper and broader training in human sexuality so that fewer of them would continue subscribing to the myth of "fix the relationship, fix the sex." Sometimes sex really is bad, or desire is mismatched, or someone has an aversion to sex, or sex is avoided because hurtful comments have been made. These symptoms deserve to be treated as such. Dr. Stephanie Buehler
Dr Buehler I agree with you. I think that when there is a mismatched desire in the bedroom from either party that has to be fixed as well. People can have a great relationship outside of the bedroom but real issues there that continue to hurt the overall relationship.
Well I think there are some very different issues here. It is one thing when a couple does not have compatible sex drives- it is another when the connection happens to be missing elsewhere in the marriage and just happens to carry over into the bedroom. Not everything can be fixed with great sex!
The ultimate result from this though from my standpoint is that marriage is not just something that you can give up on. Yes that is often the easy way and there are situations in which there is abuse and cruelty that of course the relationship should end. But in many other instances we must make a better effort to keep families intact and together. Do not give up. We all know that there are some fantastic family and couples therapists out there and available along with sex therapists who have loads of information that every couple can use to get their relationships moving again in the right direction. Sometimes it seems that couples hit a bump in the road and they are ready to throw in the towel. Marriage cannot continue to be looked at this way. It takes effort and work to keep a marriage strong and there will always be peaks and valleys. But I am a firm believer that if you work at it that can only make a relationship stronger than ever before. I wish that others could get to the point where they feel the same. Marriage is a scared institution and you have to be willing to give 100% all of the time to make it work.
I think everyone at some point likes to delve in fantasy and watching porno doesnt make you an addict. Unless of course you do it everyday and find yourself slipping into a zone of must have. I believe understanding and accepting each other goes a long way when life takes a little zing out of the love. Sex is only a by-product of that.
It is my earnest wish that more couples would pursue counseling much, much earlier than they actually do. As a therapist, the biggest dilemma that I see on a regular basis is that people pursue this avenue after one or both have entered a state of hopelessness. This is often too late. While such despair may be evidenced by an infrequent or nonexistent sex life, it can also be demonstrated in many other ways... a lack of respectful communication, a sense of apathy with regard to the other person or the marriage as a whole, etc. Another powerful force that has a tendency of sneaking in and eventually damaging the closest of relationships -- but which we have the power to dilute -- is that imposed by unresolved emotional wounds from childhood and/or past relationships. I just picked up a fantastic book on this topic that (so far) I'd highly recommend: "When the Past is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships," by David Richo. Could be a helpful resource to add to the list of books by John Gottman for therapists and couples alike.
It's very difficult to go on when love has died. Sometimes what kills it most is having no time at all. The mundanity of everyday life and long distance in a relationship kill the connection like nothing else. Sex doesnt fix things where love doesnt bind.
I dont know if I sound crazy but I've stayed in a loveless marriage for the last 5 years cos the sex has been great. I guess I dont have any expectations out of my spouse and neither does he. I dont think we are "faithful" to each other but that hasnt really bothered me or him. We dont have children by choice and I think that has not made it complicated.
I agree as well with Dr. Stephanie... I am 38 years old and for me I often think something is wrong with me. There are so many times i just want to go to bed and don't really think about having sex.. Maybe it's cause I'm getting older, I don't know... My husband even points it out that I'm not as interested as I used to be.. I often think, if it's not the same thing over and over maybe I would be interested.
No one said marriage was easy or would be easy.. as with any relationship... it takes work... as with the sex of it....it does help if the sex is spiced up every once in a while... but sex isn't everything.
I have to disagree a little with Daisy.. I think many would be lying if they said sex really didn't matter.. It does to me, but it's not the main thing....I dont want someone just lying there and not doing anything, but I also don't want some to think they have to have it every single day neither.
it would be great if both great sex and a great relationship were available in one person... What I mean is.. some have great sex, but the relationship and closeness isn't there while some have great relationship, but the sex is lacking.... It would be nice to have both.
I know there is a lot of merit to this article and believe it can be most helpful for clients. That said, I firmly believe Dr. Buehler makes an excellent point. In my work, I know how enhancing the overall relationship can indeed enhance the sexual part of the relationship and yet that piece needs to be delved into as well. Stuart A. Kaplowitz, MFT
respect in any relationship is very important, and especially so between partners.both the partners have to be and treat each other as equals.this is very important for the relationship to sustain and grow.
That ratio makes perfect sense to me. If you are constantly saying positive things to your partner it makes the few negative things that you have to say to him or to her go down just a little easier. I totally agree that the key to every successful relationship is having respect for the other. When you lose respect for someone it is impossible to have a loving and caring relationship.
Although all of us go through periods of good and bad...sometimes enjoying a very smooth time with our partners and sometimes conflicting with them, it is important to remember that one nasty thing said by you is bound to have more effect than ten nice things that you say to your partner...this calls for being extremely careful in the choice of words you use for your partner...it allows for a steady relationship to exist.