I was not far from the shore in the fickle, warm Gulf of Mexico, a place I love. I was swimming, enjoying the sun, feeling deeply at peace. I loved the smell of the water, the feel of the air. I was carefree and at ease, like a butterfly on honeysuckle.

Then I was ambushed by a whirlpool, kidnapped from my reverie. I wasn’t paying attention, and I swam right into it, caught before I knew it was there. I’m a strong swimmer, and expected to swim out of the vortex and get back to shore, but I couldn’t. Each time I made it to the edge of the circle, I was forced back by the whirlpool. Each time I thought I was making my escape, I was sucked back in. I kept trying, but I couldn’t get out. I was getting scared. What if I drowned?

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I didn’t know it then, but built into every whirlpool is a backdoor, a path to survival, but when you’re in the middle of a whirlpool you can’t see it—you need someone outside, someone standing on the shore, to see you’re in trouble, to help find the solution, to show you the path so you’ll survive.

Lucky for me, there was a lifeguard standing on the shore; I screamed to him for help and he saw what was happening. I expected him to swim to me and rescue me, carry me out of the ocean like you see in the movies. I was prepared to be grateful—but that’s not what happened at all. Instead, he waded in a bit, careful not to get caught in the whirlpool himself, and pointed at something. I was angry; why didn’t he save me? I didn’t know what he was pointing at, but he insisted that I pay attention and pointed again until I saw the path out of that swift, inexorable current.

He was showing me how to escape, how to save myself.

This is like the therapist/client relationship, like what happens when I’m helping a client. I have a different perspective on what’s happening, even if I had a similar experience sometime in the past, in my own life, but to help I will stay slightly apart, so as not to get caught in the whirlpool. I will feel for you, but I’ll keep those feelings in check. It’s almost like being in two places at once—feeling close to your experience but a bit apart, too.

Inside your own whirlpool, you just can’t see. You don’t know what’s happening. Maybe you’ll even have the feeling that you’ve been through something like this before, but you don’t know what to do about it. With relationships, for instance, the kind where you split up and make up, over and over again. Each new breakup feels like other breakups in the past—you keep on breaking up/making up with the same person, and never make it to shore.

I will stand with you but a little to the side. We’ll find your path together, but then you must swim out yourself. I’ll help, but you have to do the work.

Sometimes people get very angry about that: If I know the answer, why don’t I just tell you? If I really cared I would rescue you, right?

I remember when I was in therapy myself. I was about 30 years old, recently divorced, mother of an infant, full-time social worker, and struggling financially. I did not know how to get out. I was stuck. I could not believe how I had arrived in such a miserable place, so I started treatment. I was almost completely hopeless.

My therapist listened to me, felt for and with me, showed me some of my less healthy habits, expanded my ways of thinking, and adjusted my vision. She loved me. She did not quit on me and did not let me quit on myself, either. She did not carry me out of my misery, but she was a positive example and helper, and I emerged, eventually, with a better understanding of the world and my place in it, so I could find my path and make it to shore. You can, too.

You’ve probably seen videos of big, furious guys going after little guys. It doesn’t look like a fair fight at first, but there can be surprises—and sometimes the little guys win. I’ve been studying tai chi, learning how people can defeat themselves by misusing their energy and losing their center of balance.

Sometimes life feels like a wrestling match. We’ve all been there—stuck with someone who is just relentlessly on the attack, who pushes all our buttons looking for a fight. “Arlene” grew up like that, and for a long time she equated rage with strength because her parents did. In her family, people fought to prove that they were powerful and in control. They did this because they needed to take their anger out on other people, and because they believed they lived in a dog-eat-dog world and they wanted everybody else to live there, too. Arlene couldn’t bear to live in a world like that. She worked hard and long, and with therapy, yoga, and the help of her husband’s patience and good nature, she learned to have better control of her anger. She found out that the world can be very different. She learned how to walk away from meaningless fights.

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Sometimes, anger is justified. If someone stomps on your foot, you might yell. If you grew up in a bad neighborhood anger can be a protection, but if you stay angry long enough, everywhere you look you’ll find something or someone who makes you mad. For some people, getting mad can be a circular process—the madder you are, the madder you get—until there’s just no stopping. A few people seem predisposed to anger; they are just born that way.

Which brings us to “Ramona.” She thinks everyone is against her, so she fights with everybody, which turns people against her and kind of proves she’s right. If someone makes an innocent joke, she often takes it the wrong way; she gets upset if she thinks people aren’t paying her enough attention or giving her the admiration she feels she deserves. It’s all about her. She takes everything literally, feels threatened, and has little sense of humor. She’s controlling—it’s her way or the highway. Ramona is always angry and disappointed.

This is tough on her friends, family, and coworkers. Ramona needs to be adored and obeyed, and if she doesn’t get what she wants, she goes into a rage. Some people admire her; she is smart, talented, and can be very funny. Many people are scared of her; they don’t tell her what they think because she yells long and loud, so they just clam up and ride out the storm.

One day Arlene was hired at Ramona’s workplace, and the two of them were put in the same unit. When the unit met for its weekly conference, their supervisor, “Alonzo,” led off the meeting, saying the company needed to make more sales. Ramona spoke at length about improving the business and had plenty of ideas, some very good ones, but she wasn’t interested in listening to anyone else and interrupted when other people were talking. She interrupted Arlene, too, who called her on it, and then Ramona went on the attack and yelled at Arlene. Other members of the group tensed up, anticipating a shouting match, but Arlene had a different tactic. She said she admired much of what Ramona thought, but wanted to hear what others had to say and to share her own ideas, too. Ramona got very angry and screamed even more at Arlene, who just listened. The other members of the meeting were watching Arlene. After the meeting was over, Arlene told Ramona not to yell at her anymore.

There was another meeting. Ramona yelled at Arlene again. Arlene had previously warned Ramona that the next time Ramona started yelling Arlene would leave the meeting, which is exactly what happened. Arlene got up and walked out, ending the meeting.

Alonzo called Arlene into his office and asked what happened. Arlene said, “Ramona never stops talking and yelling, and a lot of people don’t like it but they’re too scared to say anything. I tried over and over to get her to stop, but she didn’t listen. She’s always like this. So I just walked away.”

“Why didn’t you yell back?” Alonzo asked. “Were you too scared?”

Arlene answered, “No, she doesn’t scare me. I just refuse to be yelled at, so I walked out. Yelling back at her would never work; it would be a shouting match, and I don’t like yelling anyway. I simply told Ramona that if she yelled at me I wasn’t going to shout back or stand around and listen to her scream, either—I was going to leave, which is exactly what I did.”

“Don’t you stand up for yourself?” Alonzo said.

“Leaving was standing up for myself,” she replied. “This argument was basically meaningless. If we don’t agree, we can discuss things, but not Ramona. She just likes to yell. I mean, yelling? What are we, in junior high?” Alonzo agreed that Ramona was out of line.

Alonzo transferred Ramona to a position where her intelligence and creativity were called into play, but where she didn’t have to work with others. It was a horizontal move, not the promotion that Ramona thought she deserved and that Arlene got—she took over Alonzo’s job when he was promoted.

Arlene won. Ramona defeated herself.

Yesterday Ellen walked into my office looking annoyed and confused. “I don’t know what to do. Robin invited me to her wedding and I don’t want to go, but I think I should. It’s a destination wedding, a long weekend in Mexico- four days! It might be fun but I can’t afford it, and I can’t take time off from work either. But I have to go.”

“Why do you have to go?” I asked.
“Because of what happened. Her parents both died in an auto accident last year, and she will feel awful getting married without them.”
“That is tragic. Who is standing up for her?”
“Luckily, Robin has brothers and a sister, aunts, uncles and cousins- a big family, and they will all be there.”

“That’s good. Are you and Robin close friends?”
“No. But I helped her out a lot when her parents died, and I feel like I have to go. I’ve been worrying about this all week, ever since I got the invitation. I went out and charged plane tickets and bought some really nice presents right away. Maybe I can find somebody to share a hotel room so I can save some bucks. I’m really over my head financially. I just can’t afford this…..”

“You feel you have to go, even though you can’t,” I said.
“What should I do? I’m driving myself crazy.”
“Well, explain to me why you think you have to go.”
“I told you, Robin’s parents died in an accident.”
“That’s awful, but why does that mean you have to go to the wedding?”
“To make up for her parents.”
“Oh, can you?”
“Of course not. But Robin expects me to be there. What should I do?”

So there you have it. That’s the problem. Ellen wanted me to tell her what to do, but I thought it was more important for Ellen to figure this out for herself. Perhaps I’ll tell you her decision- but maybe it’s more interesting to ask you what you think about the situation she found herself in.  Difficult decisions like this have to be made by the person involved, not by the therapist. There are many answers; Ellen has to find out what is the best answer for herself. What does she really want to do? Maybe we can figure it out.

We have some clues to help with our detective work:

1. Ellen bought the tickets immediately, even though she couldn’t afford to.
2. She bought wedding presents- more than one, right away too. And she charged everything.
3. After she spent the money, she worried about going. Ellen really didn’t have the money or, equally and maybe more important, the time. She had just started a new job and had no vacation time. Her boss might not like her taking time off right away.
4. She feels like she HAS TO go. She never said she WANTED TO GO. I wondered if she was feeling guilty in her relationship with Robin. Ellen told me once that she feels like she has a charmed life- a loving family, a promising relationship, and a meaningful vocation. Robin’s life, by comparison, is far from charmed. Her parents both died young, her career is not going well. She is getting married, though. And, unlike Ellen, she has no money problems- she came into a lot of money when her parents died.  Clearly, she would rather have her parents and not the money, but a hefty financial back up is some compensation.
5. There are lots of things we all have to do; was going to the wedding a “have to”? It conflicted with Ellen’s job obligations; she was afraid her job might be in jeopardy if she just took time off. It was not easy to get this job, and she really liked it and needed it too.
6. Ellen didn’t seem very excited about Robin’s wedding. Was she envious because she wanted to get married too?
7. Ellen seemed stuck between obligation and generosity. If she really wanted to go, she would deal with the problems involved and get on with it. I know Ellen; she’s that kind of person. She sounded like she felt forced.

Generosity must come from the heart. If your head is telling you that you must, and your heart is saying otherwise, take another look at the situation.  Ellen’s body language was pinched up and uncomfortable- anxious looking. She needed to find a free place inside herself to listen deeply and find out what she really wanted to do.

There are many answers. What would you do? What do you think Ellen decided to do?

Related articles:
Part II: Should You Attend a Friend’s Wedding Even If Your Heart Says “No”?
A Picture of Lasting Love
Love Is Not Enough