Denial, sometimes referred to as an acronym for “Don’t Even KNow I Am Lying,” is one of the most common defense mechanisms. Denial is widely recognized in mental health fields, and it is relevant in experiences of witnessing, inflicting, and/or surviving trauma. While denial can be quite effective in the short-term, it is often harmful in the long-term. Staying stuck in denial interferes with change.

WHAT IS DENIAL?

Denial is the refusal to accept reality in order to protect yourself from a painful event, thought, or feeling. It is a defense mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing life situations.

Denial can be present for anything that evokes vulnerability or threatens your sense of control. This could be illness, racism, addiction, anger issues, financial problems, or relationship conflicts. You can be in denial around something happening directly to you or something happening to another person. Denial can occur on an individual level and also on broader system levels, such as in family, social, or cultural contexts.

Denial is universal— everyone perceives events through personal bias. Yet the process of denial is complex, and it is (at least initially) mostly implicit and unconscious. However, you can recognize and challenge denial through an ongoing process of radical honesty and self-examination. This process can give you insight or encourage movement if you are stuck.

When undergoing self-examination, it often helps to use a holistic approach that includes mind, body, and soul.

Examining the MIND

Exploring your inner dialogue (self-talk) and outer dialogue are useful strategies in the self-examination of denial. Try to see if you are using cognitive distortions such as rationalizing, minimizing, and intellectualizing. These are used to alter the perception of reality, and they may suggest denial is ultimately at play.

Using the example of a conflict in a toxic relationship, consider the following:

• Rationalizing: Explaining events with seemingly logical reasons, even if these are not true or appropriate, in an attempt to avoid the true explanation.
  • “If the house was clean, he would not have been upset with me.”
• Minimizing: Downplaying the significance or consequences of an event or emotion.
  • “He only grabbed me when I was trying to leave.”
• Intellectualizing: Focusing on practicalities in order to distract oneself from emotional thoughts.
  • “If he leaves me, I could spend more time with friends, do my favorite activities, travel more, etc.”

These cognitive distortions are indicators that you may be stuck in denial. Also be on the lookout phrases or keywords which may signal that you’re engaging in a cognitive bias:

• “Yes, but…”
• “I’m fine.”
• “Anyways…”

Examining what is being thought or said is relevant in the self-examination of denial. Examining the unsaid is also important. Consider what you are avoiding. What are you refusing to think about? What will you not talk about? What situation, past or present, won’t be acknowledged? What facts won’t you face? Honestly examine what you fear, then evaluate the potential negative consequences of not taking action.

Examining the BODY

Numbness, disconnection, and/or dissociation often occur with denial. These symptoms are suggestive of a trauma reaction in the nervous system: the freeze response. Somatic awareness can be a useful tool in addressing denial and the freeze response. Increasing somatic awareness means learning to feel your body and making your visceral experience more conscious.

To increase your somatic awareness, try the following exercise:

1. Use the 5 senses (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch) to externally orient to your environment.
2. Notice what happens internally as you receive information from the environment through your senses (i.e. sound made your heart rate increase, sight was calming, etc.).
3. Shift focus to identifying internal sensations (i.e. notice intensity, muscle, skin, temperature, constriction, expansion, and whole-body sensations).
4. Bring to mind what you may be denying and notice what internal sensations you experience. If you are unaware of what you are denying, simply continue to notice sensations, as well as any thoughts, images, emotions, or impulses that arise.
5. Stay with the experience, just noticing, until you experience sensations that are settling and pleasant, such as less constriction, more breath, and more presence.

Practice the exercise regularly. As your somatic awareness increases, continue to intentionally seek out sensations and practice staying with the discomfort.

Examining the SOUL

Denial has been described as a shock absorber for the soul. Attending to the soul refers to examining a deeper connection or relationship to yourself and others.

One sign of denial is when you constantly try to prove how good you are, that you are enough, or how much someone has or has not hurt you. Trying to prove yourself to the world may actually suggest that it is you who is not believing how good you are, your worth, or your hurt. Trying to prove yourself often presents as blaming, comparing, or defending. These tactics suggest that not only are you likely in a state of denial, you are also further disconnecting from yourself.

Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. This often involves having a stable connection to oneself and others. You can deepen your self-connection and self-trust by revisiting past challenges that you have overcome. Take time to identify your abilities, successes, and strengths. You can deepen your connection to others by allowing yourself to express your fears. Consider opening up to a trusted friend or loved one, and/or participate in a support group.

Lastly, identify discrepancies between your values and your behaviors. The discrepancies may suggest denial. If you value love, for example, consider how your actions (or inactions) contribute to experiences of harm or hate. Make sure your internal and external resources are being used in accordance with your values, and reflect on your sense of greater meaning or purpose.

Therapy can be a safe place to get help for denial and other defense mechanisms. When denial has affected a marriage or relationship, couples counseling can be particularly helpful.

Every day, we are bombarded by situations, people, and feelings that have the potential to stress us out. We all have our own ways of dealing with this stress. Some of them are helpful, others not so much. Stress is complicated and highly personal to the individual who experiences it. Consider what makes you feel stressed out. Have you known other people who aren’t bothered by your stressors and seem to deal with them without much fuss? Do you know people who stress out about things that would never occur to you be a problem? Stress is all about perspective.

The reason people react differently to the same stressor has to do with their experiences. Stress is brought on by triggers or situations/people/emotions that you are particularly sensitive to because of things that have happened in your life.

Take anger, for example: A person who was raised in an unpredictable environment in which anger caused yelling, intimidation, or physical violence will likely react differently to anger than someone who was taught to express anger in a healthy way. Both people may experience a partner being angry with them, but only one of them is likely to be triggered. Another example is infertility. Someone who is struggling with fertility issues may react very differently when they find out a friend is pregnant than someone who conceived naturally. Learning of someone else’s pregnancy may trigger their anxiety, grief, and powerlessness related to infertility.

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You can imagine there are infinite ways individuals are triggered because there is a such a diverse array of circumstances that affect human beings. In addition to the diversity of triggers that exist, there is a broad spectrum of ways people react to their triggers. People tend to develop defense mechanisms, or unconscious reactions that protect them from the pain of their triggers. It is common to be unaware of the presence of these defense mechanisms as well as when they are in use. Many of us have heard or used the term “become defensive” when we feel that someone is trying to protect or defend themselves in an argument instead of listening to the opposing point of view. This often happens when a person is triggered by the subject matter. Even after the trigger has passed, the defense mechanism remains and may impact relationships and work.

As a therapist who works with women and LGBTQ+ individuals with anxiety, trauma, and body image issues, I see my share of defense mechanisms that come out during the course of a therapy session. A therapist is trained to identify and help people work through these defenses, which is critical in making progress on whatever issue brings them to treatment.

There are many different types of defense mechanisms, but the following are five common ones:

Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day.

1. Sense-of-humor type. Laughter is the best medicine, right? Not always! People who use humor when talking about difficult situations are often masking pain underneath. Some people make fun of themselves to prevent others from doing it first. Others create humor-tinged stories around bad situations to avoid acknowledging how much they hurt. There isn’t anything wrong with making light of a struggle, but it’s important to also be able to talk about the darkness related to it.
2. Strong, silent type. You probably know one of these, if you aren’t one yourself. This person is the “rock,” the foundation of the family, the dependable one at work. This defense mechanism causes someone to try to appear strong and stable on the outside, even if they don’t feel that way on the inside. By always taking care of others, the focus never has to be on them because there is always someone in need. Remaining strong and silent not only prevents others from seeing they have pain and vulnerability, it helps the person forget it as well.
3. Laid-back type. This defense mechanism causes people to “go with the flow” or be overly accommodating. Someone who has this defense mechanism is often passive and waits to be told what to do or for someone else to make plans. This defense can mask feelings of inadequacy or lack of confidence needed to make a decision. When someone is laid back and doesn’t have to have an opinion, they don’t run the risk of upsetting someone or being rejected.
4. Perfectionistic type. Believe it or not, perfectionism generally isn’t a good thing—and perfection isn’t possible, anyway. Someone affected by the perfectionistic type of defense mechanism avoids making mistakes or being wrong at all costs. Underneath this defense is an intense fear of being judged or admonished. This defense can lead to a general sense of anxiety because there is always a chance something can go wrong.
5. Passive-aggressive type. Many of us use the term passive-aggressive to describe the behaviors of others, but do you know this behavior stems from a defense mechanism? When someone is passive-aggressive, they are letting others know they are angry or in need of something without doing so directly. Being passive-aggressive is an attempt to get needs met without coming right out with it. It is motivated by fear and avoidance of conflict and anger. Pouting indirectly instead of telling someone what the problem is lets them know something is wrong in a passive-aggressive way. The irony is passive-aggressive behaviors are usually more irritating and cause more anger than being direct.

Again, these behaviors are usually unconscious and people are generally not aware they are engaging in them. Regardless of how emotionally healthy we are, we all have defense mechanisms at play every day. Concerns develop when the defenses negatively impact a person’s life in a significant way. A qualified therapist can help you build your self-awareness, heal past pain and/or trauma, and get you coping in a healthy way with any triggers that come your way.