Adrian Scharfetter,PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist

My Approach to Helping

More Info About My Practice

You’ve read the books. You’ve done the work.
But when it comes to sex, love, and intimacy, you want more.
More depth. More fire. More realness.
Less performance. Less confusion. Less silence.
I help professionals stop playing it safe in the bedroom and start telling the truth about what they want, how they love, and what turns them on.

For couples stuck in polite disconnection
For individuals craving erotic aliveness
For the self-aware who are done with surface-level sex talk

I work where sex, psychology, and soul intersect.
This isn’t prescriptive therapy. It’s a space to get real, get honest, and get free.

Let’s de-shame your desires.
Let’s unravel old patterns.
Let’s make sex feel alive again.

Therapy for the turned-on, turned-off, and ready-to-grow.

Specific Issue(s) I'm Skilled at Helping With

My work centers on sexuality, sexual health, and the complexities of human connection. I support individuals and couples in exploring self-esteem around sex, developing healthy communication around needs and desires, and addressing challenges related to sexual functioning and emotional intimacy.

I specialize in:

Male sexuality and intimacy issues

Open relationships, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy

Kink, BDSM, and LGBTQIA+ affirming care

Sexual narcissism and power dynamics

Integration of psychedelic or peak experiences related to sex, identity, or spirituality

I believe therapy is one of the most meaningful choices a person can make on their journey toward healing and growth. My role is to offer a nonjudgmental, sex-positive, and client-centered space where you can explore:

Navigating life transitions?especially those tied to identity, relationships, or sexuality

Asking for what you want and need in the bedroom and beyond

Expressing your authentic self in intimacy

Deepening understanding of consent and healthy sexual expression

Identifying and releasing barriers to romantic love and connection

Finding your voice and speaking your truth

Reconnecting with creativity and playfulness

Increasing access to pleasure

Strengthening self-esteem and reducing shame

Moving from isolation to connection

Expanding emotional range beyond depression or numbness

Building tools to manage anxiety and cultivate resilience

I am actively involved in sex-positive and kink-aware communities and contribute to ongoing educational efforts that aim to reduce the stigma, shame, and guilt often imposed by cultural or spiritual narratives around sex.

I offer inclusive, socially conscious, affirming therapy for individuals of all identities, including LGBTQIA+, BIPOC, disabled, and neurodivergent clients. My approach is informed, compassionate, and rooted in respect.

As a Veteran, I also offer dedicated support for fellow Veterans and their families, with a focus on conscious care, trauma-informed practices, and restoring connection.

How Psychotherapy Can Help

Is Sex Therapy Right for You?
We all encounter moments in life that feel overwhelming, whether it's tension with a partner, the pain of transition, or the quiet ache of feeling disconnected or misunderstood. When intimacy, desire, or sexual well-being become a source of stress or shame, it can leave you feeling isolated, confused, or like something is wrong with you. You're not alone and you don't have to navigate it alone either.

Sex therapy is a space where your story is welcomed and honored. My goal is to support you in reconnecting with your own wisdom, uncovering what truly matters to you, and creating a life and sex life that feels more authentic and aligned.

You might be dealing with:

Low sexual desire

Mismatched needs with a partner

Infidelity or relational ruptures

Sexual pain emotional or physical

Erectile concerns or difficulties with orgasm

Anxiety, shame, or discomfort around sexuality

Questions around gender, orientation, or identity

Or perhaps you're exploring something new?kink, ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, or another relationship structure that doesn't follow the traditional script. Maybe you're a single person navigating intimacy, or part of a chosen family or co-parenting relationship looking for support.

You might simply feel unsatisfied. Sex feels like a struggle, or like it's disappeared altogether. Every time you try to talk about it with your partner, it turns into conflict or silence. You want more connection, more presence, more pleasure... but you're not sure where to begin.

Let's begin together.
Sex therapy is a place to get curious, to be heard, and to heal. You deserve a sex life and a relationship life that feels real, connected, and uniquely yours.

My Role as a Therapist

What to Expect?
In sex therapy, the focus is on creating a safe, supportive space where individuals or couples can explore their concerns, questions, and hopes around sex and intimacy. A sex therapist helps clients work through emotional, psychological, and relational challenges that may be impacting their sexual well-being?always with compassion, curiosity, and respect.

Sessions are entirely talk-based and educational. Any physical or experiential exercises discussed are meant to be explored privately, outside of session, if and when the client feels ready. It's important to know that sex therapy does not involve any sexual contact with the therapist or anyone else during sessions.

Sometimes, a therapist may suggest practices or activities to try with a partner, but these are always optional, you're never expected or pressured to do anything you're not comfortable with.

At its heart, sex therapy is about understanding yourself more deeply, your desires, your fears, your experiences, and learning how to build more satisfying, connected, and fulfilling intimate relationships.

My Therapy Focus

I?m an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist who works with individuals and couples seeking greater clarity, connection, and healing in their intimate lives. Many of my clients are self-aware, successful, and insightful in many areas?but when it comes to sex, desire, or relational dynamics, they feel stuck, misaligned, or unsure how to move forward. I specialize in concerns such as low or mismatched desire, infidelity, performance anxiety, orgasm and arousal difficulties, sexual trauma, and anxiety or shame around sexuality. I also support LGBTQIA+ clients navigating identity, orientation, and sexual expression with curiosity and care.

In addition, I work with clients exploring alternative relationships?including ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, kink, co-parenting, and chosen family systems. I provide a safe, affirming, and nonjudgmental space to explore what intimacy, connection, and fulfillment look like for you.

My approach is warm, relational, and trauma-informed. I work collaboratively to help clients explore their patterns, deepen self-understanding, and foster more authentic and satisfying relationships?both with themselves and others. Whether you're healing from rupture, navigating identity, or longing to reconnect with your sexuality, I'm here to support your process with compassion, respect, and intention.

My Guiding Ethical Principles

Throughout our life our ability to adapt to change and shift into new ways of being and thinking are a key aspect of growth. This principle is no different sexually. If we are too ridged in our ways, inflexible and determined to stay within strict parameters we can miss out on a wide, colorful spectrum of experiences and fantasies. I explore here a few items that can usher in our adaptability in our sexual lives.

LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES
Life has a way of tossing us the unexpected at times. Stress from work, going back to school, a new child in the family (or even pet), and even taking on major projects can have a drastic decrease in sex and sexuality. Being aware that these sudden shifts can put a damper on sexy time helps, as awareness is one of the first steps towards resolution. If you are not having as much sensualsexual connection as you would like, start by observing what has changed in your life or those of your partners world.

THE QUESTION OF AGE
Sex and sexuality evolve throughout our lives. For some people, the experience of decrease in sex drive happens with age. People who are in long-term relationships often find that their sexual activities, as well as interests and capabilities, change over time. You might get curious and see or read about something that you want to experiment with so the change can positive. On the flip-side, the realities of medical conditions have an impact of your sexual expression that is less desirable, both with yourself and with others. Are you open to these changes? Are you willing to step into the unknown and explore? Is facing grief and loss of what was preventing space from developing into what may be? Adaptability requires facing the current reality just as it is and deciding from there what will or won?t work for you in a relationship, and this requires remarkable courage.

Adaptability is about recognizing and accepting that the people that I have connection with will necessarily evoke different things in us, and this may look different from another partner or partners. Once acknowledged, we can adapt to the reality of our loved ones by letting ourselves discern what this partner can bring out of us, by taking personal responsibility for staying in tune with the aspects of our sexuality that are central to us regardless of our partner, or by deciding that we need to move on to what it is we are seeking out in our connections, both intimately and sexually.

On the Fence About Going to Therapy?

Seeking therapy is a courageous and meaningful step. It often begins with a quiet inner voice?whether it?s a discomfort, a question, or a longing?that?s asking to be heard. You might be feeling overwhelmed, stuck in old patterns, or simply curious about your own growth. Whatever brings you here, you don?t have to navigate it alone.

Here?s what I want you to know:

1. Therapy isn?t only for crisis. You don?t need to wait for things to fall apart. Therapy can be a space for self-reflection, insight, and conscious change?a place to reconnect with what matters most.

2. This space is centered on you. Unlike conversations with friends or loved ones, therapy is confidential and nonjudgmental. It?s held by someone trained to support your process?not bring their own into the room.

3. The relationship matters. Feeling safe, understood, and aligned with your therapist is essential. It?s okay to ask questions and take time finding the right fit. The connection we build is part of the healing.

4. You can go at your own pace. You don?t need to have everything figured out. Therapy is a space where you can show up as you are?messy, uncertain, searching?and still be met with care and respect.

5. Healing is possible. It may not always be linear, but therapy can lead to deeper self-trust, emotional freedom, and more meaningful relationships?with yourself and with others.

If something inside you is stirring as you read this, trust it. Therapy can be a powerful place to begin again?with support, with clarity, and with a renewed sense of direction.

What I Say to People Concerned about the Therapy Process

Many times couples may consider if couples therapy is right for them. Improving relationships, discovering rue meanings of how and why two individuals fall in love, and how love changes over the course of time is rewarding and beautiful to witness. Having said this, there is a few instances that need to be noted that couples therapy doesn't always work.


WHEN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING DOESN'T WORK
When there is domestic violence as a part of the negative relationship patterns conducting therapy with safety and emotional honesty is not likely to be possible due to various reasons. Safety, trust, honesty, and respect are the vital cornerstones I hold as critical when moving into this work. While sometimes there are situations where the partner violence is infrequent or minor enough for me to work with the couple, I may recommend that they seek individual therapy (which I could provide to one member) to help stop the pattern of violence. This would be a high consideration before couples therapy and may be the critical piece to acknowledge if couples work will be effective or not.

There can be a variety of other minor issues that can be present inside the relationship. This can get in the way of positive and healing treatment, and I am very honest about the limitations that are present in our work. My goal is not waste your valuable time, though acknowledging that treatment my take a while and may not look like much at first. Trusting in the process is critical at this point, but there are limits and I am happy to offer suggestions to individual therapists, or another couples therapist that may specialize in specific items you are seeking help in.


WHEN RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING DOES WORK
There are a few critical items that can highlight the success of the therapy for all members of the relationship. One of the key items I seek to understand first and foremost is the reason that you love and respect each other. If you can answer this question with ease and connection, then the therapy has a very good chance of being effective. This base of respect and mutual appreciation, helps become the cornerstone for experiences of empathy, respect, honesty, and kindness that can help replace the old patterns.

Another key element that I look for is a capacity for emotional self-regulation that is present in the relationship and the individuals. That is, the ability to slow reactions, to be curious about your partner?s meaning, and to acknowledge when you are too upset to be productive. Speaking is a skill. Listening is even more of a skill. My hope is to slow the process down and engage on a ?speaking and listening? space, hearing not only what is being said, but how, and even why. It is these pauses and slowing processes that the biggest change and awareness takes place.

Finally, another key element for couples therapy is when both members of the couple are willing to make their own changes as well as acknowledge the changes that are being made. I seek to help couples to turn complaints about their partner?s behaviors into opportunities for the complaining partner to change. Once you are willing to make changes, I then open the door to introduce the communication tools and skills to help you make the changes you want to make to become the partner you want to be. This is usually done by helping each member redefine the pieces of their relationship in a way that they can both understand. It is vital that this part of the work is grounded and respected.

A final note: couples therapy does not always work out, even if everything is aligned properly and the individuals in the relationship are engaged and present. I offer a space for vulnerability and honesty, and sometimes that brings forth truths on where each individual is in their own reality as well as the relationships. Clarity and understanding can illuminate parts of the connection between lovers that are strong and supportive or bring forth an understanding that the time is now for moving apart. My hope is that whichever direction we go, it id done with love and compassion, as well as curiosity and understanding.