I watch Lifetime movies. Yes, I help people get their lives back on the “straight and narrow” and be healthier with themselves, their emotions, and their relationships, but I still like to indulge Lifetime movies. That feels good to write!

The Pregnancy Pact is about girls who become pregnant. The issue makes the news, and a reporter tries to not just get the story but to also increase awareness about teen pregnancy. I recommend checking out Lifetime for the rest of the story.

The issue that I want to present today is parents’ responsibility to speak with their children about safe sex—abstinence, using condoms (if they do decide to have sex), and sexual health—and not just leave it to the schools.

It can be a scary thing to talk to your children about sex, but the reality is that they are going to ask because they are curious about their bodies and what they see on television. They don’t want to know that they shouldn’t have sex; they want to know why they should not have sex at a particular age. As a parent, it is part of your job to teach your kids about sexual health. I believe you get the picture.

There is a lot to think about, and no parent is ever truly “ready” to talk with a child about the “birds and the bees,” but again, it’s a necessity—and your child may, in fact, ask you. Of course, they will go to their friends, but they’ll come away with a lot of misinformation. You will give them the facts and help them make a healthy, well-informed decision. Yes, the child may still go out and have sex, but when he or she is informed with the pros/cons, the facts, etc., he or she can make a wiser choice.

When to Start
It’s best to start at a young age. My son will be 2 years old next month. At bath time, I show him how to clean himself, and he does a pretty good job. The other day, we had a conversation about him and Daddy having a penis, but not Mommy. That was it. I also said that only Mommy, Daddy, and a doctor would be able to see it, if needed. In the bath, we talk briefly about making sure our bodies are clean head to toe, and that’s one way to take care of our bodies.

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If your child is older, it might be good to ask what he or she knows about taking care of his or her body. This is part of sexual health, self-respect, and beginning to set healthy boundaries. Our bodies are important, and we need to keep them as healthy as possible.

What to Share
If the child is older, ask what he or she knows first, or what kids are talking about at school. Ask if peers are talking about who’s having sex, if there’s pressure, etc. This will help in pointing you in the best direction to help your child. Of course, if your child is in a sex-education class, and you have waited that long, use it to open up the discussion.

Be calm. Listen to what your child is saying. Observe how he/she is responding to your questions, the looks on his or her face. You need to know what he or she knows and what you will need to correct it, if the information is wrong. Try to limit your responses so that your child does not give you the glazed look on his or her face when you have said way too much or he or she is not interested anymore.

Share Your Beliefs
I grew up in church and was raised to not have sex before marriage. I grew up knowing what the Bible says about premarital sex, what my parents expected of me, and these things helped me develop my beliefs and standards about who I give my body to (or not). It also taught me to keep my kisses for people who are going to respect me and not just what I can give them.

That is definitely an important aspect of sexual health: teaching your child that his or her virginity is important, and whom they choose to have sex with may either take it or nurture it. Kids need to know that when they have sex, they need to make sure that the person receiving their virginity will protect it, respect it, and not take advantage of it.

I am not trying to stand on a soap box or anything like that, but the reality is that kids are having sex—a lot more than statistics will probably show, and sex is not to be used for random wants. Oral sex is often not perceived as “sex,” but it still involves the giving of oneself. There are feelings involved, even with a one-night stand. Whether you go to church or not, you have your own morality about sex, and all parents want their children to make healthier decisions than they did.

How Each Parent Can Help

• Dads: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters about how a girl/woman should be treated. You can share how you would like your daughter to be treated by how you treat your wife. Again, not on a soap box, but our children learn from us—verbal communication and nonverbal. You can share with your daughter the lines that boys may say to get into her pants: “If you love me …” “I love you.” “We can go slow.” And so on. You can also help your daughter to be confident in herself; treat her with respect. Tell her how much she means to you, and what type of guy you would like her to find. You can also help your boys to show respect to women—more than just opening doors for them, but demonstrating respect in speaking to them, etc. You are as valuable as your spouse, and you can give insight regarding men because you are one!
• Moms: You can help demonstrate to your sons and daughters how to treat a man. You can share with your sons what girls are like, how they can be, what type of girl they should be with, how to help with communication, how self-respect is important, and how to set healthy personal boundaries.

There are many more points that can be discussed on this particular topic. I wanted to highlight that it is the parents’ job to help teach children about sexual health, potential diseases, and all that encompasses choosing to have sex. Sex-education classes alone may not be enough.

As a parent, you are very important in your child’s life, even if he or she is not going to admit that. Keep the discussion about sex open with your child. Keep listening. Give the facts. Be there.

Some people become emotionally overwhelmed when they see or hold a small baby. They develop a longing to have a baby, even when they may already have children. In popular culture, this phenomenon is known as “baby fever.” This type of event can happen to virtually anyone. However, it seems to affect only certain people, while others appear to be immune. The curious nature of “baby fever” was of interest to Gary L. Brase at the Department of Psychology at Kansas State University, so he decided to conduct a series of studies to determine if there were biological causes for the phenomenon and why it occurs.

Brase recruited 853 nonstudent young adults and 337 college students and measured their desire for a baby, if this desire differed by gender, and how it related to sexual desire, emotions, and experience with other children. After an exhaustive examination, Brase found evidence for the existence of “baby fever.” “Three factors strongly and consistently underlie desire for a baby: Positive Exposure, Negative Exposure, and Tradeoffs,” Brase wrote. One contributing factor that led to “baby fever” was positive experience with children. Individuals who had bad experiences with children were less likely to develop “baby fever” than those who had only good experiences. Trade-offs also played a major role. Participants who were comfortable with trading time, intimacy, financial resources, and energy for a baby were at increased risk of “baby fever” when compared to those who were less willing to trade those commodities.

Although Brase discovered that the desire for a baby was present in men and women alike, it was more evident in the women. He also noted that desire for sex was quite different than the desire for a baby for both sexes. Despite the fact sex leads to babies, the reproductive/sexual desire is independent from the desire to nurture and parent. The results of this study clearly show that “baby fever” is a unique occurrence unrelated to sexual motivation and cultural expectations, but future research should look further at the psychological origins.

Reference:
Brase, Gary L., and Sandra L. Brase. Emotional regulation of fertility decision making: What is the nature and structure of “baby fever”? Emotion 12.5 (2012): 1141-154. Print.

Destructive parentification is a behavior in which a parent transfers the emotional or physical responsibility of parenting to their child. Some parents turn to their children for emotional support and expect their children to fill emotional voids. Other parents who engage in destructive parentification may expect their children to fulfill physical obligations such as caretaking. These behaviors diminish the appropriate boundaries between a parent and child that are necessary for a child to develop his or her own identity. Additionally, boundaries that are blurred can expose children to events and circumstances that they are emotionally and physically unprepared to handle. This type of parentification can have significantly negative outcomes for children. Research has shown that children who are the victims of parentification, which is considered a form of abuse, have higher rates of externalizing and internalizing problems in childhood and adolescence than those who do not experience parentification.

When victims of parentification become parents themselves, the risk of the cycle continuing is extremely high. However, few studies have examined how maternal behavior in adult victims of childhood parentification affects future generations. To explore the relationship between maternal behavior and childhood psychological development, Amy K. Nuttal of the Department of Psychology at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana assessed 374 pairs of mother-child participants through the first 3 years of the children’s lives. The mothers were evaluated for childhood parentification in their own families of origin and and for mixed histories of emotional abuse, sexual abuse, or physical abuse.

Nuttal found that the women with destructive parentification were less responsive to their children at 18 months than those with no history of parentification. The unresponsiveness was predictive of externalizing behaviors in the children at 36 months. When Nuttal examined the effect of the father’s presence, she discovered that the participants who maintained a relationship with the father of the child had significantly lower levels of prior parentification than those who had no relationship with the fathers. Nuttal also found that previous parentification directly predicted low levels of maternal warmth in the participants, which indirectly predicted negative developmental outcomes for the children. She added, “This finding suggests that facilitating the development of maternal contingent responsiveness among mothers with a history of destructive parentification may promote more adaptive child development in the next generation.”

Reference:
Nuttall, A. K., Valentino, K., Borkowski, J. G. (2012). Maternal history of parentification, maternal warm responsiveness, and children’s externalizing behavior. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0029470

Related articles:
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How to Teach Children Emotional Intelligence

You are what you eat, as the popular saying goes. And now a new study suggests that your diet as an infant may in fact determine how smart you will be when you grow older. The study, published in the European Journal of Epidemiology, found that infants who ate healthy foods had higher IQ scores by age 8 than those who ate less healthy foods. The study focused on diet at 6, 15, and 24 months of age. The researchers then followed up with subjects at age 8 years. A little over 7,000 children were included in the study.

The unhealthiest foods that led to an IQ of 1-2 points lower at all ages included “biscuits, chocolate, sweets, soda, [and] crisps,” according to the study abstract. Other types of food varied at different ages in how they impacted IQ scores. For example, at 6 months of age, a “breastfeeding pattern,” along with foods like “herbs, legumes, cheese, raw fruit and vegetables” at 15 and 24 months were linked to IQs about 1-2 points higher.

Foods such as “meat, cooked vegetables, [and] desserts” were found at 6 months to have a positive association with higher IQs, but this type of food style didn’t seem to have any associations with IQ at 15 and 24 months. Other types of foods seemed at first to negatively impact IQ but later appeared to increase IQ. For example, at 6 and 15 months of age, “ready-prepared baby foods” were found to negatively impact IQ to some extent, but at 24 months, “ready-to-eat foods” had a positive association with IQ.

“This study suggests that dietary patterns from 6 to 24 months may have a small but persistent effect on IQ at 8 years,” according to the study abstract.

Although lead researcher Lisa Smithers at the University of Adelaide stated in a media release that the IQ differences were not major, the study still suggests a need to put more emphasis on good nutrition at a young age.

This study is in no way isolated. Various other studies support a link between breastfeeding and IQ, as well as overall nutrition and IQ.

One 2011 study featured in a Scientific American article found that infants who were breastfed for more than 6 months had an average higher IQ of 3.8 points over infants who were bottlefed. However, the study suggests the IQ difference is not mainly due to nutrients in the milk but the closer biological interaction among infants and mothers during breastfeeding. This finding is further demonstrated by another study mentioned later in the article, where brain wave activity was recorded for bottlefed babies who fed on breast milk versus formula compared with breastfed babies. Out of the three groups, breastfed babies had different brain wave activity than both bottlefed groups, even though one bottlefed group still used breast milk.

Still more studies suggest that breastfeeding can enhance IQ. Research completed by Oxford University and Essex University “found that as little as four weeks of breastfeeding for a newborn baby has a significant effect on brain development, which persists until the child is at least 14 years old,” according to a ScienceDaily article. Researchers took into account other differences when comparing breastfed to non-breastfed children, such as mother’s age, marital status, job status, home situation, and education.

Various studies support a link between overall nutrition and IQ in children as well. For example, one study from 2011 suggests that young children who eat foods that are processed and are high in fats and sugars could have a lower IQ, whereas children who eat foods high in nutrients and vitamins tend to have a higher IQ, according to a PhysOrg article. Results seemed to show that diet was most important up until age 3 especially and that diet changes after age 3 didn’t impact IQ as much.

More research mentioned in a Mayo Clinic article links fish and omega-3 fatty acids to higher IQ in children as well. The research suggests that pregnant women with a higher intake of fish tend to have children with higher IQs, at least up until age 3. However, pregnant women also have to be aware of the mercury content in fish, because too much mercury could be harmful.

Nutrition and mental health experts have conflicting views when it comes to the newest study suggesting a link between consuming certain foods and increased IQ in infants.

Holly Stokes, a life coach and “the brain trainer,” said in an email that it’s important to take into account other factors that could have contributed to the higher IQs in the study as well. “It’s tempting to say that higher nutrition must then cause higher IQ,” Stokes said. “However, there could be other factors involved. For example, the IQ of the parents. It’s quite likely that the parents who are feeding their children better are better informed, maybe have researched on their own, and they themselves have a higher IQ than the parents who are not feeding their children as well. There is also some evidence to suggest that IQ has to do with socio-economic status as well.”

Scott Carroll, a psychiatrist with dual board certifications in adult and child and adolescent psychiatry and an assistant professor at the University of New Mexico School of Medicine, said in an email that this study brings up some important points about nutrition. “While 2 IQ points is actually within the usual standard error of most IQ tests, just the fact that you could demonstrate a statistically significant finding from rather minor dietary changes is a big deal,” Carroll said. “We certainly know that malnutrition has severe negative effects on IQ. The hard part about doing a study like this is that smarter parents often make healthier choices in food, which you have to statistically control for in this type of study.

“Statistically controlling for stuff like that often lowers the ‘effective result’ of the study,” he added. “Basically, if you took two high IQ families (IQ is highly genetic) with babies and fed them the two different diets with all other things being equal, you’d get a 2 IQ point difference on average. While that may not seem like much, as a soon to be parent (my wife is 4 months pregnant), we will be even more careful about feeding her the healthiest food possible.”

He said that since research already shows a link between a nutritious diet and good health, as well as a decrease in obesity, an increased IQ is just another benefit and does support an emphasis on certain food choices for infants. He has some suggestions about diet and lifestyle choices for parents and infants to ensure that their children have a healthy and growing IQ.

“Breastfeeding is clearly ideal for many reasons, but making sure mom is properly fed is important as well,” Carroll said. “Longer breastfeeding, up to 18 or more months even if the child does eat some solid foods, also helps. Key things for mom’s died include B vitamins, fish oil (must be mercury free since mercury is highly toxic), [and a] rich diet in terms of a variety of high quality fruits and vegetables. Limit the sugar content of their food. Personally, I strongly believe in eating organic even though the research on it is limited.”

“Other keys include having a secure attachment between the baby and primary caregiver, because insecure or disorganized attachment clearly affects the brain wiring in bad ways,” he added. “Having a stimulant-rich environment (bright colors, toys, etc.) and lots of time with parents with soothing verbal communication have also been scientifically shown to help.”

Lisa Hugh, a registered dietitian and mother of two boys under 3 years old (she breastfed both), said in an email that the IQ result alone isn’t enough to promote certain eating habits, but healthy eating has many other benefits as well.

“I don’t think a few IQ points alone is enough evidence to support one way of feeding,” Hugh said. “However, many studies (various sources and designs) indicate that healthy eating offers many benefits: brain size, vision development, acceptance of more tastes/textures, healthy body weight, better performance in school. All of these advantages together are reason to promote healthy eating.”

She has some diet suggestions for infants in order to promote higher IQs: “[Breastfeed] for as long as possible, minimize processed foods, give foods from all food groups (except in cases of allergy, illness, food sensitivities, food intolerances, cultural preferences, etc), give kids a variety of tastes/colors/textures/cups/plates/etc. to keep meals/food interesting and to expose them to different foods,” Hugh said. “Maintain a regular daily schedule as much as possible.”

“Each child/family/parent is unique,” she added. “There is no one absolute best way of feeding a child. Parents have to do what is best given their circumstances/needs.”

Related articles:
Patterns of Attachment
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Understanding Mental Health in Children

“Guess what?” your best couple friends ask when you’ve just sat down at an elegant restaurant. “We have an announcement. Guess who’s not having wine?” You and your partner are jolted. You just found out an hour ago that your third in vitro fertility treatment didn’t pan out, and you didn’t even know your friends were trying.

You and your partner have a quick, furtive look. Your throat is dry, and a tear slides out before you can will it to stop. “Great news,” your husband says.

You can’t think of anything you can say aloud. You know you can’t say what you’re feeling: “Why you, not us? This is your third child, and we may never have a first. Why did you have to tell us here and ruin this expensive dinner?”

You could say, “I’m happy for you, but sad for us,” if your friends know that you’ve been trying.

With more public awareness of infertility, people announcing a pregnancy or birth are sometimes more sensitive to your needs. They might tell you in a private moment and add, “It’s hard to tell you, knowing how much you want this. I hope it happens soon for you.” You may appreciate the empathy, and elaborate on your feelings, and feel supported. On the other hand, you might be embarrassed and not want to talk about it, especially if you’re not emotionally close to the woman or you have reasons not to trust her.

First we’ll talk about dealing with your own feelings. Then we’ll talk about taking some control over how you receive news of future pregnancies.

Your feelings: handle with compassion

Mixed in with feelings of disappointment and competition, you may also feel guilty. You may even fantasize about miscarriages or complications. Your partner may add to your guilt by asking “Why can’t you be happy for them?”

Give yourself a break. You’re a good person, not someone who typically goes around with ill wishes. If you’ve been trying for months or even years to get pregnant or to carry to full term, it makes sense that you would be envious. This is especially the case if your friend is complaining of an accidental pregnancy or doesn’t have as much to offer a child as you and your partner do. A compassionate thought to say to yourself is “I’m happy for her but sad for me.” You wouldn’t expect a 24 year-old whose husband died yesterday to dance up and down about a friend’s engagement. It is understandable to have good wishes for the other person while also having feelings about your own loss or disappointment.

Controlling how you receive the information

You can’t control whether your friend gets pregnant before you do, but you can have a say in how you find out. This assumes, of course, that you are aware that someone is planning a family and that they know what you’re going through. Many of my clients have benefitted from what I call “the card trick.”

Ask your friend to send you a card. Yes, an old-fashioned greeting card via snail mail. Real envelope, real stamp. A phone call is hard, because it puts you on the spot. You need to congratulate the person right away, before you’ve had a chance to digest the information. IM is no better than phone, and e-mail is only somewhat better. Even if you don’t open the message, if its subject line reads “BIG NEWS!” you may feel that you are expected to respond quickly.

Because old-fashioned snail mail is unpredictable, your friend doesn’t know what time or even which day you receive it. This gives you time to tear up the card and stomp on it, have a good cry, or do some deep breathing before you pick up the phone and hit the keyboard. You get to feel like the loving, caring person you actually are and offer sincere congratulations. Even if you don’t have any negative feelings, you still have the luxury of time to respond when you’re ready. Everybody wins. You win because you controlled how you got the news. Your friend wins because you gave her a gentler way of breaking the news. You can both feel good about her new status and sincerely celebrate.

Even though you don’t know when or if your own luck will change, you can avoid unnecessary stress and enjoy your friend’s support and good wishes for your future pregnancy success.

Related articles:
Dealing with Fertility Challenges: Coping Tips and Resources for Parents-in-the-Making
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Why Should I See a Therapist? I’m Not Crazy – We Just Can’t Have a Baby!