Confronting difficult emotions like anger, sadness, and disappointment can be painful. It’s even harder to address those emotions in our relationships with others.

Passive aggression allows people to subtly vocalize their negative emotions without directly addressing the source of the discomfort. While passive-aggressive behavior can feel good and even righteous, it slowly erodes relationships, eliminating any chance of fixing the underlying problem.

Why Am I Passive Aggressive?

Passive aggression allows people to give voice to uncomfortable emotions without directly tackling the source of the problem. People may behave passive-aggressively for many reasons, including:

• Fear of authority. An employee, child, or other person in a subordinate role may fear that directly addressing their concerns will result in punishment.
• Fear of loss. Some people worry that telling a person how they feel will cause that person to reject them. For example, a husband may not want to tell his partner about his jealousy, fearing their judgment or rejection.
• Poor communication. Sometimes people use passive aggression because previous attempts at direct communication have not gone well. Passive aggression may be an attempt to prevent conflict from spiraling out of control in a troubled relationship.
• Modeling. Not all passive-aggressive communication is deliberate. People who grew up with passive-aggressive parents may think this way of communicating is effective and normal.
• Shame. Some people feel ashamed of their emotions, especially anger. Passive aggression allows them to voice those feelings without admitting to them.

“Passive aggression is an obstacle standing in the way of emotional intimacy.”

“Passive aggression is a tactic people use to show their angry feelings in a seemingly non-combative, consequence-free way,” says Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, a therapist in Santa Monica, California. “When you have a deep fear of conflict, passive aggression is a way to cope with your anger while avoiding a fight. Instead of telling your partner they’ve upset you or aren’t meeting your needs, you give them the cold shoulder. But, when you don’t ask for what you need, the odds of getting your needs met are greatly reduced. Passive aggression is an obstacle standing in the way of emotional intimacy.”

Passive-Aggressive Test: Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You may be at risk of engaging in passive-aggressive behavior if you feel unable to share your emotions. Some risk factors for passive aggression include:

• Feeling ashamed of or conflicted about your emotions.
• Fearing others will not care about your emotions.
• Fearing conflict in a relationship.
• Being in a subordinate position to another person with whom you have conflict.
• Not wanting to lose another person’s approval.
• A history of intense relationship conflict when bringing up problems.
• Having parents or family members who were often passive-aggressive.
• Not knowing how to productively talk about problems.
• Feeling angry with a person but unprepared to discuss your anger.

Some examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:

• Making back-handed compliments. “Thanks for cleaning up the kitchen this morning instead of trashing it.”
• Passively punishing someone for a perceived slight. For example, rather than discussing her hurt feelings, a parent might give her child the silent treatment.
• Speaking negatively about someone to other people, but not directly addressing the problem.
• Procrastinating or deliberately failing to do things.
• Adding invalidating comments into otherwise innocuous or productive conversation. For example, “Is there any reason you didn’t clean up the kitchen?” contains the presumption that there can’t possibly be a valid reason.
• Refusing to move beyond conflict, even while insisting the conflict is resolved.
• Sabotaging others. For example, inviting a friend who is trying to save money on a shopping trip might be a form of passive aggression.
• Getting quiet, sullen, or distant in response to a perceived slight.
• Making comments that can be deflected as a simple misunderstanding. When questioned about passive-aggressive behavior, people who are passive-aggressive may tend to insist that the other person is misunderstanding or being unfair.
• Deliberately not saying what one really feels. For example, a person might insist they were fine when they’re really not and be angry with a loved one for not noticing their hurt feelings. Or they might say “yes” when they really want to say “no,” then behave in resentful ways.
• Deliberately doing things you know irritate the other person, such as showing up late or forgetting special events.
• Making sarcastic or condescending comments.
• Shifting responsibility. “I’m not mad at you. I’m just in a bad mood because you woke me up too early.”
• Relying on others to decipher the meaning or intent of indirect communication or actions.

Some hallmarks of direct, effective, non passive-aggressive behavior include:

• Directly and specifically talking about communication issues and relationship problems, without blame or hostility.
• Owning one’s own feelings.
• Listening to the other person’s perspective, including when they are critical of your behavior.
• Not assuming that another person knows what you want, understands why you are upset, or should easily be able to decipher your behavior.
• Treating the other person as a partner for resolving the conflict, not as an enemy.

Sometimes practicing direct communication in a nonthreatening setting is helpful for eliminating passive-aggressive behavior.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive in a Relationship

Passive-aggressive behavior is inherently self-defeating. It fuels conflict and resentment. Over time, this decreases the likelihood that direct communication will be successful. It also erodes trust and communication and can make a person seem unreasonable and hostile when the real problem is communication style, not emotions.

The first step toward eliminating passive aggression is to understand its source. Is the passive aggression limited to a specific relationship, or a widespread form of coping? Do certain situations trigger passive-aggressive behavior? Are you aware of when you are being passive-aggressive? What happens when you communicate more directly? Sometimes practicing direct communication in a nonthreatening setting is helpful for eliminating passive-aggressive behavior.

For some people, passive aggression can become so integrated into their personality that it undermines most relationships. Passive-aggressive personality disorder, sometimes called negativistic personality disorder, is characterized by a widespread avoidance of direct communication. People with this personality diagnosis may have a long pattern of troubled relationships and may feel resentful about reasonable demands to directly communicate without hostility. This personality diagnosis is neither well-researched nor well-understood, and it is not listed in the DSM-5.

Therapy can help people identify harmful communication styles and establish better communication. Couples counseling may help when a relationship is so destructive or filled with conflict that partners don’t feel safe talking directly to one another. Individual counseling can help people identify the reasons for passive-aggressive communication and rehearse more effective strategies.

To find a compassionate therapist who can help with passive aggression, click here.

References:

1. Carey, B. (2004, November 16). Oh, fine. You’re right. I’m passive-aggressive. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2004/11/16/health/psychology/oh-fine-youre-right-im-passiveaggressive.html
2. Hall-Flavin, D. K. (2016, June 9). What is passive-aggressive behavior? What are some of the signs? Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/expert-answers/passive-aggressive-behavior/faq-20057901
3. Hopwood, C. J., & Wright, A. G. (2012). A comparison of passive-aggressive and negativistic personality disorders. Journal of Personality Assessment, 94(3), 296-303. doi: 10.1080/00223891.2012.655819

Many people think sarcasm is harmless humor. But for those on the receiving end, it can feel like a subtle wound that lingers long after the words are spoken. If sarcasm has left you feeling hurt, dismissed, or misunderstood, you’re not alone. Many people find that consistent sarcasm can chip away at trust and self-esteem.  Understanding why sarcasm can hurt—and how to respond—can help protect your emotional well-being.

Understanding What Sarcasm Really Is

I was surprised recently by a discussion among a group of therapists describing how they use sarcasm in their personal lives with children and spouses. I had assumed they would understand why that’s probably not a good idea. Why? Because sarcasm isn’t humor—it’s hostility. And it makes people feel bad.

It may be challenging to accept this, especially if your first reaction is to defend sarcasm as “just joking.” Some believe sarcasm is a sign of high intelligence. Well, no. Well-developed wit is a sign of high intelligence. Wit is insightful, showing us the world in a new way. Great wit is a high art.

Sarcasm, on the other hand, comes from Greek roots meaning “tearing of the flesh.” It’s hostility disguised as humor. If you challenge a sarcastic comment, the person can quickly retreat with “What? I was just kidding!”—but it doesn’t feel like kidding. It feels like veiled criticism.

Why Sarcasm Can Hurt More Than It Helps

For some individuals who identify as highly sensitive persons (see the work of Elaine Aron), sarcasm can feel especially biting. Even those who don’t identify as highly sensitive often respond negatively to sarcasm, whether they show it or not.

Think about the last time someone made a sarcastic remark directly at you. Maybe they commented on your “ballet shoes” when you were wearing hiking boots, or said, “Take all the time you need. The rest of the world can wait.” Did you feel appreciated—or hurt? Did it help strengthen your relationship?

Sarcasm and Passive-Aggressive Communication

We often hear the term passive-aggressive to describe someone whose default mode is sarcasm. On the surface, their words may seem neutral, but underneath lies another meaning—often irritation, resentment, or disapproval. This hidden edge can make sarcasm feel deeply personal and emotionally unsettling.

These passive-aggressive undertones can make sarcasm feel especially personal, leaving lasting emotional impact. Sarcasm directed at an individual can also be a sign that the speaker is unwilling—or unable—to communicate openly about what’s bothering them.

How to Respond When Someone Is Sarcastic

If you’re dealing with someone who regularly uses sarcasm, it may have become a habit disconnected from their conscious intention. Over time, sarcasm can mask an underlying psychological pattern, making it harder for the person to recognize how it affects others.

You can respond by calmly describing the impact of their remark. For example:

• “When you say that, I feel criticized.”

• “That comment makes me feel minimized.”

Helping someone see how their sarcasm feels—without attacking them—can sometimes prompt reflection. And you can assert that yes, you can take a joke, when it’s truly a joke and not veiled hostility.

Healthier Ways to Communicate Without Sarcasm

Remember that you are entitled to feel discomfort when someone directs sarcasm at you. Sarcasm is not clever wordplay—true wit is clever wordplay.

If you find yourself leaning on sarcasm, consider what you’re really trying to communicate. Could you say it more directly? Or would it be kinder left unsaid? If you hear someone describe “biting sarcasm” as a high art, remember: the “bite” is often what makes it hurt.

When to Seek Professional Support

If sarcasm is creating tension, misunderstandings, or emotional distance in your personal or professional relationships, a therapist can help you address communication patterns and develop healthier habits. Therapy provides a safe space to explore what’s beneath sarcasm—whether in yourself or in others—and to strengthen trust in your connections.

Questions to Ask Your Therapist

• How do you help clients address sarcasm in relationships?

• What strategies can I use to communicate more directly?

• How can I set boundaries when sarcasm makes me uncomfortable?

• What are the signs that my communication habits are improving?

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. If sarcasm or passive-aggressive communication is affecting your relationships, you do not have to navigate the challenges alone. A compassionate therapist can help you build healthier communication habits and strengthen your connections. You can find a qualified therapist here through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

“I hope I never turn into my mother,” you say. “You sound just like your father,” you’re told. If one or both of your caregivers was passive-aggressive, the idea of turning into them may be especially horrifying. If you grew up in a household where anger was avoided, you might struggle to break the cycle of passive aggression that can be passed from generation to generation.

Children are like little sponges of information. When we are young, we soak up knowledge and new experiences, and we absorb our family’s beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors—including their anger style.

There are three main styles of anger:

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1. Anger-avoidant
2. Anger-expressive
3. Anger-healthy

Both conflict and love can occur simultaneously in an anger-healthy family. An argument doesn’t destroy closeness, and people work together to resolve problems. In an expressive family, anger is thrown around freely, love comes with a side of explosive conflict, and children learn that to get what they want, they have to be angry.

Right now, though, we’re going to focus on the anger-avoidant type. In these families, anger is rarely expressed or conflict acknowledged. If you’re a people pleaser or hide your emotions, it’s likely you grew up in an anger-avoidant home, or in one where one person was anger-expressive and everyone else hid it at all costs.

What’s wrong with hiding anger? If you’re anger-avoidant, it may sound odd to you that showing it can be a good thing. But anger is healthy, and all of us—yes, all—feel it.

When someone says or does something that makes you angry, you learn about yourself­—what’s important to you, what upsets you. When you tell someone that they’ve angered you, they learn about you, too. It’s impossible for any of us to truly hide our emotions, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we’re pros at it. When you try to hide your anger, you leave everyone guessing why you’re upset. Tension and bitterness grow.

Now that you’re an adult, you can change your behavior—to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them. When you’re working to defeat your passive-aggressive behaviors, it’s important not to get sucked into their anger-avoidant vortex.

As a marriage and family therapist, I work with many families struggling with passive aggression. Over my decades of work, I’ve learned it’s often those around the passive-aggressive person who need the most help.

If a passive-aggressive person makes a snide remark in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? In other words, it takes two to maintain a passive-aggressive relationship. How do you stop supporting someone’s anger avoidance? Try these four steps:

1. Stop blaming yourself. Your family’s anger style is not your fault. You may be part of the cycle or passive-aggressive too, but we are each responsible for the way we show our emotions. That includes your mother, father, sister, step-brother, and cousin twice removed.
2. Stop saying you’re sorry. Don’t apologize unless you’ve done something wrong. If your family member makes subtle suggestions that they’re upset about something, don’t say you’re sorry unless they are forthright about why.
3. Limit your exposure. If you’re in recovery from drug or alcohol addiction, you avoid people who drink or do drugs. The same goes for recovery from passive-aggressiveness.
4. Don’t give in. Passive-aggressive people can be manipulative, especially of people pleasers. To get what they want, they drop hints. Or they make underhanded comments to let you know they’re angry. Like No. 2, the solution is to stop allowing it to work. Stop guessing, stop giving in­, and start putting your needs first.

Now it’s time to work on your own passive-aggressive behaviors.

Now that you’re an adult, you can change your behavior—to stop the generational cycle of passive-aggressiveness. If a passive-aggressive family member is still in your life, you can also learn skills to manage your relationship with them.

I could write a book about how to stop being passive-aggressive—in fact, I’ve written two! But, for now, here’s the nutshell version.

As we’ve already discussed, hidden anger comes from a fear of anger. So, the first thing you have to do is get comfortable feeling angry. I want you to find a time and a quiet place where you can be alone. Then I want you to sit for a while and think back on a situation that upset you.

Go over everything that was said and done and pay attention to any thoughts that arise. Now, focus on the way your emotions feel in your body. Does your stomach clench up? Does your face feel hot? Remember those sensations. Pay attention the next time you feel them. If you’re an anger hider, you may not always know when you’re upset. The next time you feel those sensations will be a clue that someone has said or done something that has angered you.

Faulty thinking (or cognitive distortions) are thought patterns that convince us something is true that isn’t. These thoughts are inaccurate and reinforce negative feelings we have about ourselves. Everyone has cognitive distortions sometimes, but for passive-aggressive people, they can make it hard to express emotions in a healthy way.

Two faulty thoughts especially common in anger-avoidant types are the people-pleasing one and the self-victimization one. “I want everyone to like me,” the people-pleasing thought goes. “The more approval I get from others, the better I feel about myself.” The solution? Try to reframe the thought: “I want everyone to like me (who doesn’t!), but it’s okay if not everyone does. After all, I don’t like everyone either.”

“I might feel that I’m overworked or unappreciated, but I will never say no,” goes the self-victimization thought. Underlying this thought is fear—fear of what will happen or how you’ll feel about yourself if you say no. So, instead of saying no, you grow angry and bitter and your relationships suffer because deep inside, you’re seething with resentment. Wouldn’t just saying no be better? Next time, try it. It may feel awkward at first, and the other party might be surprised, but you’ll be happier and healthier in the long run.

Reframing thoughts, altering behaviors, and getting comfortable with your anger, along with passive-aggressive-person management skills, are a great place to start when you’re trying to break the cycle of generational passive-aggressiveness. For guidance and support, contact a licensed therapist.

Reference:

Brandt, A. (2013). 8 keys to eliminating passive-aggressiveness. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.