I had a conversation with a friend the other day regarding authenticity—a value that I place close to my heart. It seems, in these times of “fake news†and the questioning of the integrity of many of the systems around us, the idea of living an authentic life is sometimes met with a shrug.
Our society is built around the façade of masking our true selves to please others, to build our “brands,†and to be the face of whatever role we are playing in that particular moment—parent, partner/spouse, worker, boss, coach, friend, neighbor, caregiver. No matter what is actually happening inside us or in the other pieces of our life, we are taught to compartmentalize each section in order to be successful.
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As a clinician, I am able to see the effects on those who have to put on these masks, to the detriment of their inner happiness. I see the toll it can take on those who feel pressured to act as if they are a certain way, feel a certain way, or believe a certain thing that isn’t a reflection of their true self.
It can be heartbreaking.
It hurts to see a spouse pretend she has been happy for years in a stagnant marriage because she couldn’t stand the idea of judgment from being vulnerable with peers or family members.
It can be devastating to watch someone realize their shallow friendships are the cause of a deep feeling of loneliness despite constantly being around people.
It is horrible to see someone’s creative energy drained by a workplace that expects a happy face and a butt in a chair regardless of their ideas and desire to better serve.
So how can we better connect with who we are—even when there is a role to play?
There is often a fear of being authentic, especially within relationships. From a young age, we are told to “just be ourselves†without any additional prompting of who we are or should be. So often, we try to figure out who we are based on who everyone around us is, and how they respond to us within a situation. We spend our adolescent years “trying on†different identities, and then just going with the pieces that are accepted by those around us.
So when we are “being ourselves,†we are actually often being the person that the world has molded us into, for better or for worse.
When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.
As adults, we get sucked into our routines with career and family life, often to the detriment of our creative minds and physical bodies. We begin to identify with those roles, often forgetting about our true value systems and the ways our idealist younger selves wanted to impact the world.
When processing with people in therapy about self-care, it can be revealing to talk about that idealist younger self. What did they love to do? What kind of people did they enjoy being around? What did they want for their future self? How are they different from who they are now?
While we often think of self-care as sitting in front of Netflix or getting a manicure, the most impactful self-care is finding ways to get back to our true identity and being authentic about what that looks like.
In other words, our responsible adult selves are good at taking the fun out of things.
If we go back and revisit that younger self, we often can find pieces of our identity that we can bring back into the picture to give ourselves more joy.
For example:
- If you enjoyed creating or spent time just listening to music as a child, or wrote short stories for fun, those are things that could bring a note of authenticity back into your life. In taking time for yourself to create in this way, you can bring more enjoyment into your life.
- If you were an athlete, but now find yourself at a desk job, you may want to find ways to incorporate the sports that you loved. Even if you can no longer physically play those sports, coaching them—or finding another way to be involved—could help you to reconnect with who you are.
When you can put responsibilities and roles aside to spend time doing things that fill your cup, you have more energy to spend on those responsibilities and roles over the long term—and they are less likely to suck you dry.
Learning about who we truly are, what we enjoy, and what really brings us to life can make those self-care moments go so much further. Because if you’re going to take time away to focus on doing something for yourself, it should be something that truly brings you joy.
If you’ve lost touch with who you really are, meeting with a licensed therapist may help.
What does the word “integrity” mean to you?
To me, it means to be a good person and citizen, one who doesn’t lie, cheat, or steal. Having integrity means having a system of morals and ethics that I believe in and do my best to adhere to in all my dealings.
This may not always come easily, for any of us. Even the most kind and loving among us can struggle to do the right thing at times. There sometimes seems to be a small tug of war happening in the event of a moral challenge or difficult situation, and the cartoon vision of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other might come to mind.
I think it’s important to remember that no one is perfect, that our baser nature sometimes rears its ugly head. As humans we are fallible, we make mistakes, and—no matter the issue—we seem to be able to justify any action we take.
When we truly have integrity, though, good will win out the majority of the time. The truth will prevail. The “angel on our shoulder” is who we listen to most often, in a manner of speaking. [fat_widget_right]
Let’s consider now what integrity means in terms of a marriage or romantic partnership. In my opinion, it means all the above and more. It means putting a partner’s happiness right up there with our own. We make choices that are good for us, yes, but we also make choices that are good for the relationship, that will serve our lives and happiness as a couple. Doing so might sometimes involve hard and selfless choices, when those choices might lead to the betterment of the relationship.
What integrity with a partner means to me is the act of prioritizing a life together and working together to meet my needs, but also those of my partner, in a collaborative way. Some of these things might go unrecognized. I simply do them because I am acting with integrity, not out of the desire for praise or recognition. And that’s just what integrity is—doing the right thing, even though no one is watching.
1. Maintaining integrity when together
Integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners.
Integrity brings with it authenticity, vulnerability and an honesty that is kind and never harsh. We don’t have to always agree, or even approve of a partner’s decisions, but when we have integrity, we treat them with compassion, openness, and kindness. This might mean talking over all important decisions together. Make sure the relationship remains a priority and show respect and appreciation always. When we get triggered (because we will. It happens), we take the time to sort it out, rather than blaming, keeping score, making things personal, or bringing up past events when there is no point in doing so. Integrity might mean remaining committed to dealing with the issue at hand. When we can diffuse some of the stress with humor or kindness, so much the better.
2. Maintaining integrity when apart
Maintaining integrity when separated from a partner by time or distance may simply mean remaining mindful of the attachment we have to them. We might speak often, whenever possible, or simply be there when they seek us out. We choose not to put ourselves into situations that could create conflict, and we avoid inconsistencies with our words and/or actions. In order to feel secure and connected to our partners when distance is an issue, transparency is crucial.
3. Maintaining integrity in public
Public integrity means never intentionally embarrassing, humiliating, or belittling a partner, and perhaps even avoiding having any kind of a negative discussion in front of other people. Whether we are among friends, family or strangers, it may help us to remember (or remind each other!): We are a team, a pair, and it doesn’t serve us to be divided by any kind of petty insults or bickering in public.
If partners have a disagreement that requires immediate discussion, an alternative to hashing it out in public might be to step aside and discuss the issue and come to a reasonable conclusion together, or at least resolve it to a point that can wait until private discussion.
4. Maintaining integrity in private
When we are alone together, we show integrity by listening to what our partners have to say. We take note of the hopes and dreams they express; talk about the “hard stuff” or any challenges that arise; and build and share a deep and emotional connection. We trust each other never to betray our confidences. We read between the lines when we need to, and ask further questions and expand on that communication. In short, we do our best to be patient and supportive and let our partner know how much we care about their needs and desires. We show and share our deepest selves without fear of rejection.
We may not talk so much about integrity these days, but integrity is crucial to relationship success and a key ingredient in the happiness of both partners. Doing the right thing for ourselves often means we are doing the right thing for our partners and families, as well. By acting with integrity, we model it for our children. By setting an example of doing the right thing, even when it’s an unpopular or difficult action, we allow our children to witness an important life lesson. Our consistent choice to act with integrity is likely to have a lasting impact, one that may even color their choices in the future.