Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I hope you can help me with something. Recently I decided I don’t want to drink anymore. I was never a big drinker to begin with and don’t have an alcohol problem, but when I hung out with my friends, I would often have two or three drinks, which is fairly typical for everyone in our group. But even though it feels good in the moment and makes me more social, I don’t like the way I feel after drinking alcohol, and that’s increasingly true as I get older (I just turned 35). It pretty much ruins the next day for me, as I barely feel like getting out of bed, let alone leaving my apartment.

[fat_widget_right]

This is a hard decision for me because I really like my friends and I don’t expect them to not drink around me. But it feels weird sometimes to be the only person who isn’t drinking—almost like I’m the one person who isn’t in on the joke. It’s just not as fun. I also don’t want to feel pressured to drink, even though I know my friends wouldn’t actively try to get me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with. Likewise, I also don’t want my friends to feel pressured to not drink just because I choose to abstain. I’m worried they will think I think they have a problem or that I am judging them.

What do you think I should do? —Sober Thoughts

Dear Sober,

Congratulations on a mature decision. I guess I have my own sober thought, which is (with all due respect to your friends): are there any social activities to choose from besides imbibing, especially at 35? I can understand this as the focus at 25, but as one’s 30s roll around, the “party” kind of peters out and new responsibilities—work, family, etc.—eke into the foreground. It sounds like this is where you are going with your admirable decision, quite appropriate for someone a few years from 40.

Of course, this is a generalization, and there are some professions—journalism, entertainment, trading, and tech, to name a few—where “getting drinks” can be almost ritualistic. But many folks in those professions are sober, or can have one or two and then head home, in some cases to their partner or kids. The focus becomes less the booze than the socializing. Plus, as you astutely state, as we get older it often gets harder to shake off liquor’s aftereffects.

Are there any alternatives for your group besides drinking? I would think your friends would support your decision, and wonder why you wouldn’t tell them. (More on that in a moment.)

I can understand feeling like the “odd person out” if you are not partaking. Though I can’t imagine that, if they truly are friends, they would mind trying something different now and again, especially if you are in a city. There are plenty of ways to hang out or blow off steam: music, readings, dancing, theater, comedy clubs, etc.

If the main focus of this gang is the liquor, that itself is worth a ponder. Perhaps it’s worth expanding your social circle in any event; try going online and finding a hiking group or even a language, photography, or cooking class (or whatever moves you). Perhaps you could get more involved with local community or, if you’re so inclined, religious or spiritual activities. Familiarity and routine can be comforting, but may also keep our worlds smaller than is needed.

Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.

I am intuiting that this group may be a holdover from college, or that you work together? True friendships would have more than only that in common; the underlying anxiety in your question makes me wonder if you are concerned you’ll be alone if you lose this group, though again, if they are not willing to be flexible, how reliable are they? Perhaps you fear feeling rejected or seen as “wimpy” for not drinking. You don’t sound judgmental and your decision is sound; anyone judging you is not much of a friend.

I can share with you some personal experience, which parallels others’ experience, though my situation is slightly different than yours. When I got sober and began recovery, with an alcohol problem that had me at the end of my rope, only two people protested that sobriety was “going overboard”; one smoked marijuana regularly, while the other had a problem (long hidden) with “downers.” The rest of my friends were congratulatory and flexible in joining me in new activities. It was something of a revelation that they were happy to see me and not the bottle.

In fact, I was shocked to discover most people truly don’t care about another’s drinking, and most don’t get smashed at social occasions. The latter was truly revelatory to me. Even now, at intimate dinner parties, it’s rare that anyone comments on (or even notices!) my having juice rather than wine.

I find that as we get older, the time we get to spend with our friends becomes more and more precious as our lives fill up with more responsibilities, especially if we start a family. It’s good to be able to savor it as much as we can. (Is dating a goal or interest of yours, by the way? I am sure any worthy partner would respect your decision.)

Finally, I detect anxiety in your decision about your effect on others. Contrary to many self-help affirmations (such as “I don’t need anyone’s approval”), most of us do care—at least a little—about how others perceive us. But there comes a time when we have to decide what’s best for us … and see who stands by us. It is not always an easy choice, and I wonder if you are beholden to the opinions of the group in a way that limits your choices. If so, it might be worth some non-critical self-reflection as to why. It has taken me quite some time to finally accept that we cannot control how or what others think of us, even when we prefer those thoughts to be positive.

Any friendship worth its salt relies—to some degree, at least—on flexibility and empathy. It sounds like you have good reasons to set aside the booze to improve the quality of your life, and for that you are to be commended. My hope is you find that your friends are more supportive than you think.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Making and maintaining quality friendships is hard, especially during middle and high school. Although many adolescents long to develop lifelong friends who will be loyal, trustworthy, and supportive, they often struggle during this time to maintain those types of relationships. In fact, many will experience times of confusion, hurt, and betrayal when seemingly good friendships fall apart.

To some extent, the fluidity in relationships is normal during this developmental phase, as adolescence is a time of great change. As teens figure out who they are, what their interests are, and what is important to them, they are likely to gravitate to new and different peers who share their interests and values. However, friendships often change or end because of drama, hurts, betrayals, and outside peer influences. Sometimes the end comes suddenly; other times it comes when good friendships start to become unhealthy.

[fat_widget_right]

Often, when the latter happens, peers will try to maintain the friendship long past the point it is healthy for them. Sometimes they don’t recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Other times, they don’t want to see the signs because they don’t want to lose a valued friendship. Either way, staying in an unhealthy friendship can lead to anxiety, depression, stress, and problems at home and school.

It is important for adolescents to be able to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship and either work to improve things or find a way to get space. Here are some signs a friendship might be becoming unhealthy:

• There is more drama. Friendships shouldn’t be stressful. If you notice your relationship is full of drama, it might mean it is time to get some space.
• Your friend is controlling. Adding new people to the mix can cause a little bit friction even in the best friendships. Experiencing some growing pains when this happens is normal. However, a friend who becomes extremely jealous and angry because you are spending time with a new person might not be a good friend to have. Also, if a friend tries to tell you who you can and cannot hang out with, it is probably a sign you are in an unhealthy relationship. While friendships take work and sometimes need adjustments, make sure your friends are supportive and understanding of your growth, both personally and socially.
• They get mad at you easily and a lot. Middle and high school is full of drama. When I worked in middle school, I constantly observed good friends bickering over various issues. However, if you notice your friend is always mad at you or gets mad easily and reacts in an extreme way (ignoring you for hours or days for no apparent reason), it might be a sign it is time to get some space. Healthy friendships are characterized by trust and good communication. This means you can talk to each other openly about your feelings and are both willing to work out any potential problems.
• They are pressuring you to do things you don’t want to do or that you know will get you in trouble. Healthy friendships are characterized by respect and support. Good friends support you and your boundaries, even if they differ from theirs. A good friend should never pressure you to do something you are uncomfortable with or that they know will get you in trouble.
• They are mean to you. I have heard some teens suggest real friends tell the truth, even when it hurts. While it is important to be open and honest in a friendship, there is big a difference between sharing your opinion and feelings and saying something that is intentionally hurtful. A friend should never make fun of you, even in jest, or call you names. Many of the teens I work with have shared that put-downs or negative statements, often played off as jokes, from friends are significantly more painful than those from other peers. Good friends are honest in a gentle and kind way and are conscientious of your feelings.
• They are mean to others. Zebras don’t change their stripes. Sometimes, the best way to know if a relationship is going to be unhealthy or healthy is to observe how the other person treats and has treated other friends. If a person is constantly wrapped up in drama or has had a lot of fallings-out with others, chances are your friendship will have the same outcome.

Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point.

While many adolescents can see these red flags, some are unsure what to do when a once-healthy friendship turns unhealthy. Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point. However, there are methods to end an unhealthy relationship in a way that preserves everybody’s feelings.

Here are some strategies for ending an unhealthy friendship:

• Begin spending more time apart. One of the best ways to end an unhealthy relationship is to begin gravitating toward healthy relationships and limiting your time with friends you feel have become unhealthy. If you do this when you start noticing the signs, you can do it gradually and it doesn’t have to be a dramatic break. When they invite you places, politely decline. You can say you have other plans, need to do homework, or blame a parent for telling you no. Most parents are more than okay with being the “bad guy,” especially when it means steering away from an unhealthy friendship.
• Get space. This can be difficult when you see the person every day in school. However, there are creative ways to get space. If you see this person a lot in the halls, you can change the way you walk to class. You can ask to change your seat so you have space in class. You can stay away from your “normal” hangouts until things settle. But remember that getting space does not have to be synonymous with avoidance and ignoring. Unless there is some compelling reason not to be, continue to be polite and acknowledge the other person. Flat-out ignoring them may create drama. If they approach you about your change in behavior toward them, it is probably best to be honest. If it feels unsafe or uncomfortable to have that conversation alone, you can always ask your guidance counselor to support you.
• Get advice. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist or other trusted adult. A therapist is a great resource and can help you not only process your feelings about your changing friendship, but help you identify strategies to handle the situation.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have a close friend who comes to me with all his problems, and sometimes I don’t know how to help. Some small issues I can give advice on or help him out with. When he asks me about other, bigger things, such as work issues, relationship issues, or family issues, I often really don’t know what to do or say.

He seems to depend on my advice, and if I say “I’m sorry, I don’t know how I can help” or tell him I don’t have a lot of free time at the moment, he will often get irritated and say something like, “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.” Then I find myself trying to reassure him and find a way to help him, even though this takes time and effort I sometimes don’t have.

[fat_widget_right]

He also has a tendency to fixate on things. I’ll offer advice or a suggestion, and he seems to like it, but a few days later he will bring up the issue again, almost as if I said nothing at all. This is very frustrating. If my advice isn’t working out, why doesn’t he seek out someone else’s opinion? I’m only going to tell him the same thing again.

This happens frequently. We talk most days, and it seems as if a week can’t go by without him having some new problem he needs help with. I don’t mind doing what I can to help, of course, but (1) sometimes it seems like that’s all he wants to talk to me about and (2) I think he can solve most of his problems himself, if he would just give them a little more thought.

I don’t think this is worth losing our friendship over. We have come too far for that. I’ve tried to raise the issue, but he hasn’t seemed to hear what I’m saying. And if I encourage him, saying, “I’m really not sure because I don’t have a lot of experience in that. Try looking it up online!” or something similar, he might respond with “I’m too dumb to figure this out” or make other self-defeating remarks.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring this up and be heard? —Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

It sounds like you have tried to set some boundaries with your friend and he is unwilling to hear or respect them. That raises the question for me as to what you are getting out of this friendship. You say you’ve “come too far” to lose your friendship, but something in this relationship is not working for you. If your friend is not willing to hear you, or responds with what sounds like emotionally manipulative statements, it may be time to reevaluate just how important this relationship is to you and how staying in it is serving you.

Ultimately, if you choose to continue your friendship, it will be up to you to set and hold your boundaries; he is unlikely to change what he is asking of you. You mentioned that when you try to let him know you don’t have answers or it isn’t a good time, you wind up trying to reassure and help him anyhow. One way to stop having him asking for help you can’t or don’t want to give is to stop giving it. Hold firm to your boundary.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however.

If the timing is an issue, let him know you aren’t available at the moment, and provide a time that would work for you. He can respond with frustration or anger, but you do not have to give in. You can gently hold your ground and respond with caring. Let him know you are sorry he is struggling and that you will be able to help at another time. If you feel you aren’t the one to help him, that the issues are beyond you, let him know that and then stick to it. If he makes self-deprecating remarks, you do not have to respond to them. When you have given him help and he returns with the same issues again and again, it’s okay to let him know you don’t have anything to add to what you’ve already discussed.

Setting and holding boundaries can be uncomfortable. It is clear you want to be a good friend. Being a good friend does not mean consistently ignoring your needs, however. Being a good friend means not letting resentment build or having frustrations get in the way of your friendship. Being a good friend also means setting limits and not expecting your friend to take full responsibility for holding them.

You will learn much about your friend and your friendship by how he responds to you when you do hold firm. It may open up a meaningful conversation about the kind of friendship you both want with each other and may even strengthen your friendship. If, however, he is unwilling to recognize your needs as legitimate or your boundaries as meaningful, if he responds to you in anger or with blame or manipulation, I would encourage you to reconsider if this relationship is serving you in a meaningful way.

As you consider all of this, you may want to get support from a counselor who can help you identify what is keeping you in this relationship; help you implement strategies to set your limits; or, if you should choose to step back from the friendship, help you grieve the loss of what has been an important relationship.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

With the growth of social media and the constant connection through smartphones, our personal and work lives are blending more than ever. We connect with people on LinkedIn, Instagram, and Facebook after just one lunch meeting. Friends become business partners and coworkers become friends.

This can all be both good and bad, depending on how we manage the inherent conflicts that arise from this transparency. For example, do you dare to post about the Monday drudgery if you have coworkers as Facebook friends about to enter the same 9 a.m. meeting? And do you let your friend, who is also a colleague, know you weren’t really sick last Friday and went on a hike instead of coming into the office?

A Gallup poll discovered people who identify having a best friend at work tend to be more engaged on the job. These people also rank high in overall job satisfaction. They tend to be more productive, more passionate, and more loyal to their employer, all while getting sick less. Thus, the poll’s results suggest, fraternizing during your lunch break and meeting up with coworkers on the weekend can benefit you professionally as well as personally.

[fat_widget_right]

However, unclear definition of roles and poor communication are some of the top things that lead to job dissatisfaction. And these are things that can easily pop up as problems when we get comfortable with one another and let things slide. Knowing your professional role at work and having clear boundaries with certain coworkers can lessen the potential for conflict in the office and keep your reputation solid.

Here are some strategies for how to interact at work that allow you to spend quality time with coworkers while maintaining a good reputation:

1. Take note of the office culture. Even within one company, different office locations can have vastly different cultures. Identify what attributes are valued among team members and how they communicate with one another. This will help you establish how you fit into the team and how to communicate with them. You’ll also have a better idea of whether your coworkers seem like people with whom you’d like to spend time outside of work.
2. Avoid talking about other coworkers. Workplace gossip is common and may seem harmless, but it’s best to stay out of making judgments while on the job. To avoid creating an awkward situation when a coworker is gossiping, you can reply with something like, “I don’t know, since I haven’t talked with Susan much.” Or, “Really? He seemed pretty knowledgeable in our meeting yesterday.”
3. Don’t push your boundaries. Many relationships we have will push us to consider new ideas or try new things. This can be a rewarding experience when we’re spending time with someone we know loves and accepts us for who we are. However, this is often not the case at work. While it’s important to remain open-minded while discussing options in a meeting, it’s best to explore your comfort level with expressing emotions or getting close to people in a setting that may not be so impactful to your career if things backfire.

While it’s important to remain open-minded while discussing options in a meeting, it’s best to explore your comfort level with expressing emotions or getting close to people in a setting that may not be so impactful to your career if things backfire.

If you’re a manager, you have a few extra things to consider. You have less room for error, and seemingly innocent situations can quickly spiral into a human resources complaint.

1. If you supervise people who are friends outside of work, make sure you never share information about other coworkers. What is workplace gossip to colleagues of an equal level is generally a violation of privacy for managers.
2. Don’t try to cover things up. In most situations, honesty is the best policy. Tell your own supervisor if one of the employees you supervise is a friend and ask them to keep you accountable regarding fair treatment. While it’s not something you want to send a company email announcing, you can and should acknowledge the friendship among your team if it comes up. They likely know anyway, so it’s better to keep communication open and remain authentic.
3. Check in with your friend/coworker. Talk about it when things are uncomfortable in either dynamic, and establish ground rules so neither of you feels slighted and you can quickly repair any ruptures in the relationship.

Yes, it may sometimes be a bit more difficult to navigate work and life when they intersect, especially when personal relationships get involved. But having friends at work can make you excited to show up to the office Monday morning and create a culture of support when work gets complicated and life gets tough.

With the right attitude and a watchful eye for addressing conflict quickly and avoiding gossip, work friendships can blossom into lifetime friendships.

References:

1. Ellingwood, S. (2001). The Collective Advantage. Retrieved from http://www.gallup.com/businessjournal/787/collective-advantage.aspx
2. Friedman, R. (2014, December 2). You Need a Work Best Friend. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/12/you-need-a-work-best-friend.html