A compassionate look at the beliefs, patterns, and hopes that can make an unhealthy relationship difficult to leave.

Sometimes we stay in bad, even toxic relationships longer than we really want to. It's not because we're addicted to the chaos, nor because we want to be treated badly.

Most likely, every once in a while, we see a tiny glimmer of hope that things are going to get better. We may miss warning signs in our relationship which are obvious to others, perhaps because we’re looking through a lens of compassion and hope at our partner and the relationship dynamics in the relationship.

Research from the CDC’s National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey shows that about 41% of women and 26% of men experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime and reported a related impact. Understanding why people stay in unhealthy relationships is crucial for both those experiencing them and their support systems.

The Impact of Our Beliefs

We believe all kinds of things about ourselves and others that affect these choices. We may believe that the right help or support can help our partner reach their potential – and that we are supposed to supply that help and support. We may be afraid that we would hurt them if we left, that our partner might spiral without our influence. Our dreams can be closely tied to our commitment to this person, and a break up would mean those dreams must die. Maybe we believe our primary role is to heal and care for others, even when it means losing ourselves. Maybe we’re afraid of being selfish, finding the idea of leaving a relationship because of our own unmet needs and desires unthinkable.

New Information and How We Deal with It

When we are in a toxic relationship, we experience what we call cognitive dissonance. According to cognitive dissonance theory (Festinger, 1957), in emotionally charged cognitive dissonance scenarios, individuals high in love addiction may first choose to doubt themselves and further increase their commitment and accept an unequal romantic contract to maintain the romantic relationship. When we learn something that contradicts our beliefs, values, and opinions, we have a few options:

• Ignore the new, contradictory information. (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to gaslight you.” “I don’t remember them doing what you said.”)
• Fight against the information. (“How dare you insinuate that he is cheating on me? I don’t care what you thought you saw.”)
• Justify the information (“She hits me, but it’s not really abuse, and besides, I deserve it.”)
• Modify our beliefs and values to accommodate this new information. (“I thought he was kind to animals, but now I’ve seen him beat his dog, so I must have been wrong.”)

Research shows that cognitive dissonance does play a role in relationship outcomes, and that internal and external dissonance affects interpersonal interaction. It points to the necessity of interventions focusing on self-consciousness, emotional control, and verbal communication to counteract the damaging effects of cognitive dissonance in relationships.

Cognitive dissonance can express itself as any of the first three options – in each case, we’re trying to make our brains hold contradictory ideas at the same time. The fourth option requires that we change our minds in light of something new, and this is often a scary prospect – especially in a toxic relationship – because it opens the door to definitive action, like ending the relationship.

On the Outside Looking in: When Your Friend Is in a Bad Relationship

Most of us have wondered why a friend doesn’t just leave a relationship that’s bad for them. In many cases, it’s because this relationship is defining in their life; it’s the only thing that they know to be true. Often, this is accompanied by the belief that they will be the one who will change this person.

Research on trauma bonding reveals that when there is a threat individuals turn to their attachment figure, but if the attachment figure provides a source of trauma, one might rationalize or experience a form of cognitive dissonance. Studies on women, comparing those who experienced IPV to those who did not, revealed higher levels of insecure attachment bonds to mothers and romantic partners among IPV victims.

It’s helpful to remember that bad relationships aren’t usually bad all the time. Intermittent reinforcement is a schedule of reinforcement that provides the reinforcement on a variable schedule. It is highly effective at changing and maintaining behaviors and resistant to extinction. But the variable schedule of reinforcement shows the partner periods of good times and sometimes even excessive love and apologies, pulling the victim back into the relationship hoping that the good parts will continue.

Everyone who’s been in a toxic relationship can relate to the confusion that is often felt by staying on in the relationship. And it can be extremely tiring. It’s not always so black and white from the inside. There are moments of happiness, moments where you catch a glimpse of the change you hoped for, or moments you think are the turning point. There are moments where the relationship feels like what it used to be, the reason you chose them. And that can keep hope going. Potential can be a blessing and a curse. We don’t really have control over other people; the person we really have control over is ourselves. Unfortunately, the potential you see, the hope you have for who someone else can be, only goes so far. The other person has to see and strive for that potential too. They have to be invested in the relationship as well.

From the Inside: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How to Talk to Yourself

As you think through your relationship, it’s helpful to ask yourself, “What might I tell a friend going through this same situation?” We tend to be both more direct and more compassionate about our friends’ situations than our own. It’s always a good rule of thumb to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a beloved friend. Looking at your own situation with your friend-goggles on can help you identify what is going on, what is wishful thinking, and what problems demand action.

How to Tell if Your Partner Is Really Ready to Change

So how can you tell if someone is committed to growth? They take action. They do what they say they are going to do = their words match their actions. They also recognize and acknowledge their own problems. They are committed to taking action towards a solution. They are willing to have conversations about the problem and work together with you as a team to solve the problem and not against each other. They recognize that there is something to be fixed. If you’re in a mentally or emotionally toxic relationship, change will not happen until your partner recognizes what they are doing is wrong and stop.

How to Evaluate Your Situation

I know it’s hard to decide what to do in these relationships when hope is clouding everything. I think the best course of action is to bring yourself back into alignment with your values or wishes and goals, then ask yourself, “Is this person going to get me where I want to go? Am I really able to be who I am and want to be with this person? Do we share the same values?” Once you can identify what’s important to you, you can hopefully make the right choice in a relationship.

Values clarification therapy aims to reduce emotional distress and increase positive behaviors through reinforcement. It helps those in therapy to identify and clarify the values that influence their decisions and behavior and encourages them to build on their inner resources and strengths. Someone who has explored their personal values in therapy is often better able to identify what will enable them to effectively function in life and thus may be able to make more self-directed choices.

> Values clarification can help you chart a path forward in relationships and many other decision points in your life. To find a therapist in your area who can help, click here to search your area, then filter your results by Common Specialties>All other issues>Values Clarification.

References

1. Carone, N., Muzi, L., Benzi, I. M. A., Cacioppo, M., Parolin, L. A. L., Santona, A. M. R., et al. (2024). The influence of childhood emotional abuse and neglect on love addiction: the indirect effect of vulnerable narcissism among female and male emerging adults. Frontiers in Psychology, 11:542925.
2. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2024). About Intimate Partner Violence. Intimate Partner Violence Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/intimate-partner-violence/about/index.html
3. Dutton, D. G., & White, K. R. (2012). Attachment insecurity and intimate partner violence. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17(5), 475-481.
4. Festinger, L. (1957). A theory of cognitive dissonance. Stanford University Press.
5. Gill, M., & Meenakshi. (2024). The role of cognitive dissonance in shaping relationship dynamics between adolescents and adults. Journal of Neonatal Surgery, 13(4), 1-12.
6. Howard, A. (2019). How intermittent reinforcement keeps partners addicted to abusive relationships. ABC Behavior Therapy, April 10, 2024.
7. Leemis, R. W., Friar, N., Khatiwada, S., Chen, M. S., Kresnow, M., Smith, S. G., Caslin, S., & Basile, K. C. (2022). The national intimate partner and sexual violence survey: 2016/2017 report on intimate partner violence. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
8. Ponti, L., & Tani, F. (2019). Attachment styles and intimate partner violence: A systematic review. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 22(1), 90-107.