One of the primary obstacles to these gifts, however, is the “cautionary tale”—the primary unconscious story of hurt, imprinted from childhood, which you carry to each relationship. This tale underlies the therapeutic process and, if not understood and addressed, can undermine it.
Although you may be earnest in your pursuit of therapy, you may have mixed feelings about looking at the causes of your suffering. This is part of being human. Who WANTS to re-experience pain?
Inevitably, you will bring your mixed feelings in the door with you at the outset of therapy. These mixed feelings show themselves in a variety of ways in session: in the anxiety felt in the room, in the various stories shared with the therapist, in the tensions felt, in the fluctuations between stuck-ness and progress, in a feeling of push-pull.
It is as if you are taking a trip while simultaneously unsure you want to go or, if you do, where you are headed.
And so you bring in your luggage (filled with conflicts, emotions, thoughts, and memories), drop the bags down in the room, and then, with the help of the therapist, hope (and possibly dread) to sort through them.
If you are unable or unwilling to sort through the bags, they can come out in unconscious ways and stall the process.
One term for these unconscious mixed feelings is the cautionary tale. Thomas Ogden, a major contributor to contemporary psychoanalytic thought, said the following about how the therapist must keep the cautionary tale in mind:
I am listening from the outset for the patient’s “cautionary tales,” i.e., the patient’s unconscious explanations of why he feels the analysis is a dangerous undertaking and his reasons for feeling the analysis is certain to fail …
The patient unconsciously holds a fierce conviction (which he has no way of articulating) that his early childhood experience has taught him about the specific ways in which each of his (object) relationships will inevitably become painful …
Ogden is suggesting here that the so-called cautionary tale is not just mixed feelings but a hidden conviction that therapy will fail. This is important to be aware of, for therapists and people in therapy alike.
But where, exactly, does this come from? Simply, a cautionary tale is born when a child’s first love relationships cause pain, either through the experience of abuse, disappointment, misattunement, overstimulation, unreliability, neglect, or something else. Because these early experiences are so painful, the child unconsciously weaves a tale about how this pain will inevitably occur in EVERY relationship, as protection from that same pain.
As the child develops and matures, the tale that was once protective becomes destructive: The adult will act out unconsciously to prove the present relationship is like all the others.
As the child develops and matures, the tale that was once protective becomes destructive: The adult will act out unconsciously to prove the present relationship is like all the others.
One of the great things about therapy is that this tale can be studied and updated. If you and your therapist keep an eye on your cautionary tale and how it might manifest in the therapeutic relationship, you have the chance to uncover the pain behind it.
If you are in therapy or thinking about starting therapy, pay attention to the thoughts and feelings you have about the process and your therapist’s role in it. Pay particular attention to any anxiety, skepticism, doubt, fear, or paranoia about the process. Then talk about it. There is sure to be a treasure trove of old feelings, packed away underneath, that could hold the key to the gifts you seek.
Reference:
Ogden, T. (1992). Comments on Transference and Countertransference in the Initial Analytic Meeting. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 12:225-247.
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