“NO, that’s NOT what I mean.”

“How could you say that?”

“I wasn’t finished. Where are you going?”

At first glance, sudden and intense misattunement between partners may indicate a need for a more disciplined approach to conflict. Perhaps both need a class to practice nonviolent communication strategies, a workshop to enhance empathy, or a therapist to work on anger management.

But what if the problem isn’t interpersonal? What if the deeper conflicts at stake are going on within—each person struggling to maintain two versions of self simultaneously, their personal self and their relational self? Look again at the arguments that confound couples and we can see they are frequently frustrated not at each other but at the delicate trapeze work required of each person to keep their own identity from crashing.

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I practice as both an individual counselor and a couples counselor. A core task in both practices involves helping folks navigate the space between their personal and relational selves. The personal self is busy with the task of differentiation: remaining autonomous and whole while with others. The relational self, meanwhile, is occupied with the task of merging: deepening intimate availability for connection.

As I talk with one person, I get a direct experience of their unique worldview. Speaking again on the same topic while that person is in the presence of a loved other, I often observe that worldview collapse. Here, the simplest facts, the clearest agreements, and the most bedrock values slip like disentangled particles through their grasp. Little that is true to the identity of a person necessarily remains true to their identity while in relationship.

Differentiation: Being Oneself in the Company of Another

Pay attention to couples as they slip into a casual disagreement and you’ll see any number of well-honed techniques to salvage dignity and equilibrium. It’s a supremely complex task. Not only must each preserve a sense of entitlement to their own opinion, they must simultaneously preserve a sense that the person to whom they are attached is worthy of respect. Most complex of all, they each need to handle a temporary rupture of relational attunement.

Differentiated couples have gained some measure of confidence that their relationship will survive its everyday ruptures. Such confidence is hard-won.

Differentiated couples have gained some measure of confidence that their relationship will survive its everyday ruptures. Such confidence is hard-won. It takes no small amount of faith and a whole lot of practice to establish a capacity to be caring while experiencing a sudden collapse of attunement (“How can I be right when the one I love doesn’t get me?”).

Over time, a belief in constancy ensues and stays intact even through argument. Nevertheless, beneath the light ribbing (“There you go again, hon”), the humor (“That’s okay, you don’t have to make sense for me to love you”), and the subtle redirection (“Remember that one time we weren’t fighting?”), the remnants of early wounding remain. To understand how to love, we have little choice but to understand how we managed those first wounds.

Merging: The Urge to Return to Unity

During the first month of life, children lead a non-differentiated existence. Blissful or frightening, there is no sense of self separating them from the outside world. The attunement taking place in the touch and eye contact between mother and babe renders both in a fused state. Mothers describe being transported to a regressed world in service of the baby. Both are engulfed in feelings of oneness and a mutual sensitivity to each other’s moods and states. It takes six to nine months for babies to emerge from this fused existence and prepare to “hatch” a separate personality from their primary caregiver.

During that time, their experience of oneness vacillates between two phases of merging: autistic and symbiotic. In the autistic phase, mother is viewed as an intrinsic part of the infant, devoid of a separate existence. When deprived of their mother, babes will feel themselves to be literally nothing, empty, nonexistent. In the symbiotic phase, mother is viewed vaguely as separate but only in terms of need fulfillment. It is in this phase that babes develop their reactive capacities to cry out, push away, and demand a return to unity. Even if the child has yet to develop a sense of self, their self-preservation instinct is active and they will not kindly receive anyone or anything keeping them from attunement.

Regression Happens

The quality of these two phases of merging constitutes the felt landscape of the longing for adult intimacy. Once the desire for intimacy is awakened in mature adults, so too awaken recollections of their primal urge for unity. The body remembers the fused state of those first months outside the womb, even if the mind holds no actual memory of it. Like a moth drawn to a flame, we are compelled to reexperience the ineffable sense of oneness that transpired there.

The quality of these two phases of merging constitutes the felt landscape of the longing for adult intimacy. Once the desire for intimacy is awakened in mature adults, so too awaken recollections of their primal urge for unity.

Spiritually, as adults, we might seek it through prayers for atonement. Sexually, it may be sought in the lust toward orgasm. Interpersonally, this urge for unity is evident when we tap into states of unbridled attraction that go beyond seeing the other as merely attractive. We don’t actually see them at all, captured in the moment solely by our own sense of selfless longing for connection.

For those anticipating the prospects of a deep merging experience, there comes a necessary softening of their power to self-regulate. Differentiation pauses as an opening occurs for fusion. When the merged state arises, we are engulfed by a return to those first blissful/frightening months of life. And when it is taken from us, we either collapse or rage.

Confronting everyday conflicts with partners soon after experiencing hopes for intimacy naturally provokes autistic and symbiotic memories of detachment from mother. (“What was once my world has been torn asunder.”) Regression into the autistic phase is marked by absolutisms: “I am nothing if you don’t see my point of view.” “I might as well kill myself if you see it that way.” Regression to the symbiotic phase is marked more by violent rejection: “How dare you!” “I want mommy. Go away!” These infantile responses get stirred in the middle of our grown-up lives, yet healthy adulthood never leaves these core feelings behind.

Do We Ever Truly Grow Up?

Our emotional development occurred not in a straight line but as an outward flowering spiral. If we could look at the core stages we passed through from ages 0 to 9 months, we would likely find origins of the most-repeated habits we employ to attain intimacy as adults. Those automatic habits constitute our “unknown knowns”—the unconscious strategies that control our most sophisticated adult interactions.

Even though we never truly graduate from the feelings associated with our core identity development, we learn to recognize them better as they arise. With practice, we also learn to soothe and express those feelings with more finesse.

Fortunately for most of us, our emotional development did not end at 9 months. Collapse and rage are not the only tools at our disposal to deal with the temporary ruptures in our intimate lives. We can look at a blueprint of the separation-individuation stages as defined by classic psychologist Margaret Mahler for clues as to how we developed the capacity to leave our merged existence with mother, eventually to carry that sense of safety within our individuated selves. In part 2 of this series, we will look at how these stages are installed over the first two years of life and how we subconsciously reexperience them as we attempt to build trust with those we love as adults.

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• Differentiation/hatching (5-9 months): The infant becomes increasingly interested in discovering mother (e.g., how she looks or smells) rather than trying to become symbiotically unified with her.
• Practicing (9-14 months): Although able to explore freely, the child still regards mother as unified with child and thus explores surroundings while keeping within an optimal distance.
• Rapprochement (14-24 months): The child’s desire to be all-powerful and self-sufficient is marred by a fear of abandonment. The child reaches a healthy medium between the two extremes due to language and superego development.
• Object constancy (24-plus months): Successful completion of this phase marks the development of an internalized mental model of the mother, which unconsciously accompanies and supports the child even when they are physically separated.

Reference:

Mahler, M., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. (2000). The psychological birth of the human infant symbiosis and individuation. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Best friends since high school, Linda and May decided to share an apartment after college. They were always there for each other, enjoyed laughs and adventure often, and cheered each other on through the challenges. Recently, however, May seemed to be more stressed than usual. Her mood was low and she was increasingly pessimistic. Linda started to notice she was also feeling more stressed. But whenever Linda left the apartment, she felt fine.

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to do when someone we care about is going through a challenging time. You might think the advice I’m about to offer is selfish, but if we consider the science behind it, you might discover that the healthiest plan is to take care of yourself first. That involves self-differentiation.

The term self-differentiation was first introduced by Murray Bowen, whose ideas are the basis of family systems therapy. There are two aspects to self-differentiation: intrapsychic differentiation and interpersonal differentiation. Intrapsychic differentiation is when we can tell apart our thoughts from our emotions. In other words, it’s self-awareness. On the other hand, interpersonal differentiation is when we can distinguish our experience from the experience of people we are connected to. Both aspects of self-differentiation are important, as they empower us to be aware of our current state and the influence of different interactions and environments on our state so we can take action.

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What makes the concept of self-differentiation so important? Bowen’s systems therapy was revolutionary in the field of psychology because it was a pioneer in considering individuals’ symptoms as a byproduct of, and interrelated with, the dynamics and structures of their family. We do not exist in isolation, nor are we immune from the interactions and emotions of the people around us. Instead, our emotions and sense of self are shaped by, and a part of, an emotional system created by the family.

Studies on emotion transmission (the “contagious” result of emotions in a system) and emotion convergence (the idea that people living together can become similar emotionally over time) offer support for Bowen’s systems theory. Interestingly, emotion convergence was found not only in romantic relationships, but also in studies of platonic relationships among roommates.

Excitingly, research in the fields of affective neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology is also finding evidence for the influence people have on each other’s psychophysiological well-being (see Trust Your Longing for Social Engagement. It’s for Your Own Good!). However, while clearly important for our health and wellness, not all forms of social engagement are conducive to our health. In fact, poor forms of social engagement can lead to adverse results.

For instance, the landmark ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study discovered that adverse early childhood experiences—which are largely relational—were correlated with increased risk for many health and psychosocial problems later in life. This includes, but is not limited to, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, liver disease, heart disease, obesity, cancer, anxiety, depression, poor academic achievement, and poor work performance.

Interestingly, emotion transmission research found a greater level of the “contagious” effect from negative emotions than from positive emotions. In other words, if our partners or roommates are feeling upset or down, the degree to which we may start to have similar emotions is greater than when they are feeling happy.

Evidently, we influence each other’s emotional and physiological health. The takeaway from this can be twofold: (1) just as we are wired for co-regulation, the flip side is we are also wired for co-dysregulation; and (2) time apart can allow our system to shift states and find our own homeostasis.

While it may be easy and somewhat straightforward to consider that exposure to a volatile or aggressive environment will activate stress response in your own system, subtler, less overt influences are also being discovered. For instance, one study looked at the physiological impact couples have on each other by measuring their cortisol level at different times of the day. Interestingly, a higher level of association was found in cortisol level between spouses during times of the day they shared the environment (i.e., in the morning and evening) as compared to times of the day when they were apart (i.e., at work).

Evidently, we influence each other’s emotional and physiological health. The takeaway from this can be twofold: (1) just as we are wired for co-regulation, the flip side is we are also wired for co-dysregulation; and (2) time apart can allow our system to shift states and find our own homeostasis.

One way to think of this is that, to be there for your friend, partner, or family during difficult times, it’s important to make sure your system continues to be regulated and resourced. Basically, “in an emergency,” make sure you put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. And make sure to frequently check your own oxygen supply and resources to be able to stay healthy and be giving of the love and support you want to give while getting through the turbulence. To be able to do that, it helps to have some self-differentiation.

Following are some tips and ideas to practice and increase your ability to self-differentiate:

1. Journaling: Expressing yourself in writing can be a great way to learn about yourself as well as an avenue for some relief. Pick a time of day that works for you, a cozy corner that you can relax into and start writing. It can also help to read back what you’ve written and notice what emotions and thoughts you’ve expressed.
2. Emotions in color: Part of intrapsychic differentiation is distinguishing between different types of emotions. A fun and creative way to develop this awareness is to practice a daily color journal. Using pencils or crayons, choose colors to represent the different emotions you are feeling that day. On a blank piece of paper, make a little legend that shows what emotion each color represents. Then fill the page with colors representing how much of each emotion you are feeling. This is just one way to do it. Have fun coming up with your own version of “emotions in color.”
3. Self-care: When you take a moment and check in with yourself to see what you need, you are practicing self-awareness by self-referencing and acknowledging your needs as separate from someone else’s.
4. Take a walk: Recognizing the potency of emotion transmission and co-regulation/dysregulation, stepping out of the situation and reorienting to a calmer environment can help you find your bearings and return to the regulated zone. Noticing how different you feel when you are out of the situation also helps reinforce differentiation between yourself and the other. This can be an experience you refer to in your mind so you can maintain that difference when you reengage.
5. Five- to 10-minute meditation: As expressed above, intrapsychic differentiation is similar to self-awareness. Mindfulness and meditation practices help develop our ability to notice our inner experiences.
6. Enlist a specialist: Sometimes, self-differentiation can be challenging to achieve. Working with a professional can offer you an experienced and skilled ally to support you through this process. Just as working with a personal coach can take your training to the next level, working with a specialist can help deepen your self-differentiation as well.

References:

1. About the CDC-Kaiser ACE Study. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/about.html
2. Anderson, C., Keltner, D., & John, O. P. (2003). Emotional convergence between people over time. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(5), 1054.
3. Butler, E. A., & Randall, A. K. (2013). Emotional coregulation in close relationships. Emotion Review, 5(2), 202-210.
4. Saxbe, D., & Repetti, R. L. (2010). For better or worse? Coregulation of couples’ cortisol levels and mood states. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(1), 92.