“Gaslighting” has become a buzzword in popular culture, sometimes used to describe any disagreement or lie. But clinically, gaslighting in relationships points to something more specific: a pattern of manipulation aimed at getting someone to doubt their perceptions, memories, or understanding of events. And in intimate partnerships, that pattern can quietly reshape a person’s reality from the inside out.
What gaslighting in relationships looks like
The word gets used loosely. Understanding what gaslighting actually is, and what it isn’t, is the first step to recognizing it in your own relationship.
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Gaslighting is NOT Ordinary relational frictionA partner remembering an argument differently A clumsy apology A one-off lie someone later owns |
Gaslighting IS A repeated pattern of manipulationRepeatedly denying what the other person saw, felt, or experienced Rewriting events and shifting blame until they doubt their own memory Using ridicule, false certainty, or character attacks to erode their confidence |
Clinical definition
The American Psychological Association defines gaslighting as manipulating someone into doubting their perceptions or experiences. An important nuance: it is typically about power and control in the interaction, not just “being wrong.” Sociologist Paige L. Sweet argues in the American Sociological Review that gaslighting often exploits vulnerabilities and unequal dynamics, especially in intimate relationships, making it more than a one-off misunderstanding.
The “Gaslight Effect”: how the dynamic deepens over time
Dr. Robin Stern, credited with popularizing the term in wider public discourse, emphasizes that gaslighting escalates gradually, eroding confidence until the targeted partner is second-guessing their reality. She calls this the “Gaslight Tango”: a dance where one partner slowly gains the power to define what’s real and what’s not. She describes three stages:
| 01 |
Disbelief“That was weird; he said I did that. Did that really happen?” |
| 02 |
DefenseYou start explaining yourself constantly, gathering proof, trying to be understood. |
| 03 |
DepressionYou feel defeated, confused, small, and unsure of yourself. |
People don’t stay in such a relationship just because they’re “weak.” They often stay because the relationship also contains love, history, dependence, fear, or hope, and because the manipulation is subtle at first. What makes gaslighting especially insidious is that the gaslighter often uses kernels of truth to anchor a larger, unfair argument. Their attack contains just enough truth to make the other person pause; over time, that pause becomes corrosive self-doubt.
Gaslighting might sound like…
Denial
“What are you talking about? I never said that. You’re being crazy!” This is outright denial paired with a character attack. The first half rewrites the event; the second half puts you on the defensive about your own sanity.
Minimization
“You’re too sensitive. That never happened!” This combines reality denial with an accusation designed to make you question whether your emotional response is legitimate at all.
Deflection
“Why are you making such a big deal? You always do this. I’m tired of it!” This shifts the conversation away from the actual issue by labeling a recurring “flaw” in you. Even a kernel of truth gets used to dismiss a valid concern.
What gaslighting does to the targeted partner
Over time, people experiencing gaslighting in relationships report a cluster of deeply damaging effects:
Chronic self-doubt“Maybe I am the problem.” The ability to trust your own perceptions slowly erodes. |
Difficulty making decisionsEven small choices feel paralyzing when you’ve been told your judgment can’t be trusted. |
Anxiety, shame, and numbnessA steady loss of confidence that shows up in the body as well as the mind. Many people in gaslighting relationships describe persistent anxiety that lingers long after any specific argument. |
Social withdrawalExplaining feels exhausting, or you fear being judged, so you stop reaching out. |
What to do if you think you’re being gaslit
Strategy 01 · Find your flight attendants
Dr. Stern offers a powerful analogy: being gaslit is like being on a plane in turbulence. You can feel the shaking and rattling, but you aren’t sure whether it’s cause for concern or just turbulence. A good way to gauge the situation is to look to the flight attendants. If they seem calm and collected, chances are it’s just turbulence. If they seem concerned or frantic, there’s a problem.
Look to the people in your life whom you trust to have your best interests at heart , friends, family, pastor, mentor, or a therapist, and check in with them regularly for a sanity check. These are the people who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Protect your sense of reality and sense of self.
Strategy 02 · Resist the urge to merge
Another key concept of Dr. Stern’s is resisting the “urge to merge”: the need to win the approval of the gaslighter by convincing them that you are not crazy, incompetent, inconsiderate, stubborn, or whatever else they might be accusing you of being. By letting go of the need to be validated by them, you “opt out” of the gaslight tango.
Trying to win an argument with a gaslighter is a supremely futile endeavor. You’re not arguing with someone interested in understanding differences and taking accountability when due. You’re arguing with someone desperately trying to maintain control of the situation. Facts be damned.
When conventional wisdom can hurt
Conventional wisdom on relationships emphasizes the importance of talking through issues and getting to a point of mutual understanding. But in the context of gaslighting in relationships, that notion can actually cause more harm than good.
Standard relationship advice makes a few assumptions that gaslighting breaks entirely:
Why this matters
Gaslighting breaks every one of these assumptions. When one partner is actively distorting reality and is not interested in a fair resolution, opting out of the discussion may be the healthiest and most self-protective choice available.
How therapy must adapt
Therapy can be genuinely helpful, but only when the therapist understands how gaslighting in relationships actually works and adapts their approach accordingly. In my practice, I see three main clinical scenarios:
Individual therapy with the person being gaslitThe therapist acts as a “flight attendant,” helping the client feel grounded in reality and protect their sense of self. This is often the most immediately stabilizing form of support, and one of the two most common scenarios I see. |
Couples therapyThe therapist can attempt to increase accountability in the gaslighter by pointing out incongruences in a neutral, non-judgmental way. The key word is “attempt”: this works only in milder cases where the gaslighter still has some genuine willingness to work on the relationship. It also relies heavily on the therapist’s ability to establish trust and rapport with both partners, such that even the gaslighter is willing to consider the therapist’s input. |
Individual therapy with the gaslighterThe most difficult scenario. The therapist is working only with the gaslighter and very likely lacks the larger context of their relationships. Most gaslighters don’t come into therapy saying, “I gaslight my partner; I need help.” Without witnessing the dynamic firsthand, the therapist may not recognize the pattern at all. |
Progress is measured differently
In a standard couples case, “progress” might look like fewer fights and better communication. With gaslighting in relationships, the benchmarks must shift entirely.
A final grounding point
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m constantly defending my reality,” you’re not alone. Gaslighting works precisely because it attacks the part of you that usually keeps you steady: your ability to trust yourself. Understand that you are in the midst of a difficult dynamic, but it is possible to break free of it and find your way back to yourself.
Frequently asked questions
You don’t have to sort this out alone.
Find a licensed therapist who understands gaslighting dynamics and can help you regain your footing.
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About the Author Tomoko Iimura, LMFTLicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Tomoko Iimura specializes in couples therapy, trauma, and relationship conflict. She uses evidence-based approaches including the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy, with advanced training in affair and trauma recovery. Tomoko brings a uniquely global perspective to her work, shaped by years living as an expat across multiple countries. She completed her clinical internship at the Rape Crisis Center in San Antonio and holds graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University (MS, Marriage and Family Therapy), Columbia University (MA, International Affairs and Public Policy), and Middlebury College (BA). Visit profile here. |
You have tried to do your best in raising your children. No one gave you clear instructions for each situation you may have encountered, but you took and utilized every bit of knowledge you had in order to help your children grow into responsible teens, hoping they would one day become successful adults.
As a parent, you may have made most decisions when your children were young. But as our children become teenagers, there will also come a time when they have to start making their own decisions, especially as they begin dating.
You may know (or have learned) that voiced disapproval of a teen’s current love interest is only likely to cement their affections, so you may have decided it’s better to wait quietly and patiently for teen love to run its course. However, there are some circumstances in which you may be unable to keep quiet, but you might still struggle to know how to begin a conversation with your teen.
How can you, as a concerned parent, intervene if you believe your teen is experiencing dating violence?
First, Know the Signs
I offer below just a few signs of an abusive relationship. If you notice any of these in your teen, think there might be something controlling about the relationship, or just have a feeling that something is wrong or “off” about the relationship (beyond a general parental instinct toward protectiveness) don’t keep your concerns to yourself. If your teen has been sexually or physically abused, it is important that you protect them and report the abuse to the authorities.
- Isolation. A teen who is experiencing dating violence may suddenly begin to isolate from friends and family and only spend time with the person they are dating. They may cancel plans they have made because the abusive partner does not want them to attend the events. [fat_widget_right]
- Excessive texts or phone calls. Abusive partners tend to want to know where their partner is at all times. They may call and text excessively and/or demand to be informed of their partner’s whereabouts at all times. Your teen might seem stressed about having to respond to them and/or afraid of missing a call.
- Unexplained bruises/marks. Someone experiencing dating violence may have unexplained bruises and become nervous when asked about bruises or marks on their bodies. They may give different stories for the same mark or may become upset or defensive when asked about it.
- Excusing inappropriate behavior. Teens who feel ready for love and want their romantic relationships to work out may make excuses for the inappropriate or abusive behavior of their partner. For example, a teen might say their partner only called 20 times because they were worried, or that their partner only puts them down so they can learn from their mistakes and become better people.
- Having to ask for permission. A partner who is abusive typically wants to exert control. They may require the person they are dating to ask for permission before wearing certain clothes, talking to certain people, going out, and so on. The person experiencing the abuse may be frequently checking in with their partner, asking if they can engage in certain activities, such as going to the movies, going out to dinner with a group of friends, wearing shorts, and so on.
Discussing Your Concerns with Your TeenÂ
Although talking about abuse with your child may be awkward and difficult, it is important for them to be aware that you are concerned about their relationship.
It is possible for you to do this in a way that lets them know you care, want what is best for them, and are there to help—without making them feel as if they are being lectured or blamed. Your teen may be defensive at first and outright deny any abuse. Recognize that it may be hard for them to accept, and be patient.
- DO ask questions about their relationship with genuine concern. Allow for discussion and conversation to flow.
- DON’T interrupt when they are speaking or do the majority of the talking.
- DO listen to how they answer your questions. Ask for their thoughts on the behaviors you have pointed out to them.
- DON’T shame them for not recognizing abusive behavior.
- DO gently educate them on what a respectful romantic relationship does and does not look like.
- DO give them time to think about the conversation, letting them know you are always available to talk or offer support. Let them know you will help them find a therapist or counselor if they want to talk to a trained mental health professional.
- DO ask (no matter how difficult it may be) if they have been coerced to engage in sexual activities they did not intend to engage in or if they have been physically or sexually harmed by their partner or at the request of their partner.
- DO remind them that their safety is the most important thing to you.
Create a Safety Plan
Some teens may be hesitant to admit (or even consider) that they are in an abusive or violent relationship. Even if they aren’t ready to accept that what they are experiencing is abuse, it is important to create a safety plan with them. You can tell them it’s for your own peace of mind, or “just in case.” However you frame it, make sure your teen has access to the following resources—they might help keep them safe in the future.
1. Provide them with dating violence hotline numbers.
California Youth Crisis Line (1-800-843-5200)
National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline (1-866-331-9474) or text “loveis†to 22522, any time, 24/7/365.
Text TEEN to 839-863
2. Help them identify at least three safe people they can reach out to for help.
Your teen may not feel comfortable going to a parent for help, especially about their relationship. Let them know it is okay for them to choose to talk to another responsible adult who can provide help. Set a guideline that safe people they can go to must be adults both you and your teen can trust, such as a teacher, other school staff member, clergy, counselor, relative or adult sibling, family friend, etc.
3. Identify when to call 911.
Though your teen likely knows what an emergency is, they may minimize their partner’s dangerous behavior toward them. Help your teen identify some situations they may find themselves in where it would be a good idea to call 911. Let them know it is okay to call 911 if they feel they, or a loved one, are in imminent physical danger—even if they think there is only a possibility of harm.
4. Connect them with a neutral source of support.Â
If your teen does not open up to you, it may help to suggest they speak to a neutral person, such as a counselor or therapist. Even if your teen has already broken off an abusive relationship, their self-esteem, view of relationships, and/or ability to trust others may have sustained damage that can be improved with therapy.
Encourage your teen to consider speaking to a counselor or therapist, and offer to help them find a therapist near you. GoodTherapy.org’s therapist directory is a good place to start!
References:
- 5 early warning signs of dating violence. (2017, October 7). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/5-early-warning-signs-of-dating-violence
- How to talk to your teen about dating violence. (2017, March 22). Teen Dating Violence. Retrieved from https://www.teendvmonth.org/talk-teen-dating-violence
- Youth yellow pages: Dating violence. (n.d.). Teen Line. Retrieved from https://teenlineonline.org/youth-yellow-pages/dating-violence/?gclid