If you are involved in a relationship with a person who has been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, you’re likely familiar with this scenario: You have a discussion with your partner. It turns oddly off course. You’re left confused. And then—slam!—you’re hit with something hurtful that takes the wind out of your sails.
This is different from other conversations that go off the rails. In this case, you have to struggle with the realization that your partner did not mean to hurt you. There was no intent to abuse, but you are reeling just the same.
So what do you do with the pain?
Do you deny it because you understand it was not inflicted intentionally? Or do you ignore it, hoping it will go away?
These are two time-honored methods used by many of the individuals who come to my office for counseling regarding this aspect of their relationships. The problem is that they backfire; by using them, you generally end up feeling more hurt. Then the ground is fertile for resentment and contempt, and—as relationship researcher John Gottman has repeatedly pointed out—once these emotions enter a relationship through what he calls the “Four Horsemen” patterns (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling), it is very difficult to retrieve mutual respect and rebuild.
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Besides, you already know these methods don’t work.
How do I know that you know? Because you likely don’t feel any relief.
Recent research has enhanced our understanding of communication between autistic and neurotypical partners. Studies supporting the “double empathy” framework show that communication challenges often arise from differences in social communication styles between autistic and neurotypical individuals, rather than deficits in either person. while autistic individuals face challenges in relationships including communication barriers, they also possess strengths such as pattern recognition and truthful communication.
If you are seeing a counselor, be certain that he or she understands the unique dynamics of being in a relationship in which one partner is on the autism spectrum. From an educational perspective, there are enormous implications that might make the difference between being helpful to a neurotypical partner in an autistic-neurotypical partnership and being not so helpful.
What may look like self-centeredness or even narcissism in your story is more likely to be your legitimate expression of not feeling heard by your autistic partner. , your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.
While it may not be the result of conscious disregard, your experience of being lonely and hurt in your relationship is valid.
] Contemporary research shows that autistic individuals report high levels of interest in pursuing and maintaining romantic relationships, and autistic people are involved in satisfying long-term relationships when understanding and accommodation are present.
If your partner is in counseling, or if you are in couples counseling together, it is equally important that your therapist have a specialized understanding of this unique relationship. Autism exists on a spectrum with great clinical heterogeneity, ranging from individuals who require significant support to those who can function independently with typical or above-average intellectual abilities. However, understanding the impact of the neurological differences and the arc of possibility upon which they can play out in an intimate relationship is essential for fair couples work, and certainly for providing substantive assistance to the person with the diagnosis.
A neurodiversity-affirming approach views autism as neurological differences to be understood and accommodated rather than deficits to be fixed. Recent developments in autism support emphasize helping neurotypical people learn autistic communication preferences rather than requiring autistic individuals to mask their natural communication styles.
If you suspect that your partner is on the spectrum but has no diagnosis, please bear in mind that a professional assessment is essential; there is no online quiz or self-help book that will help you to make that diagnosis on your own.
Still, you know your situation best. If your partner is hurting you emotionally and you can’t seem to get him or her to understand you when you talk about your pain, as a starting point, consider couples work with a counselor who understands autism spectrum disorder. The couples work will be helpful regardless of whether autism is a factor, and as is frequently the case with couples with whom I work, an assessment becomes part of our work together. Everyone wins. The person either has or does not have the diagnosis. It is a triaging tool in that it allows a couple to move forward knowing what they are dealing with in their interpersonal communication.
Research suggests that when both partners develop understanding of differing communication styles and consciously use strategies to bridge communication gaps, deeper connection and relationship satisfaction can result.
Please don’t try to swallow your pain. At the very least, recognize that if you feel hurt, it is because you ARE in pain, regardless of intent or circumstances. Your pain is real—and it deserves your attention.
Be kind to yourself.
*If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for free and confidential emotional support.*
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