For Parents: How to Navigate Your Child’s Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is one of the most common challenges parents face. It can make leaving a child with a caregiver or at daycare difficult and can undermine quality of life for both the parent and child. Separation anxiety is also completely normal, especially in very young children.

Children naturally long to be close to their caregivers, and separations compromise that closeness. Managing separation anxiety requires parents to balance the child’s need to be close to them with the expectation that children will become progressively more independent as they get older.

In some children, separation anxiety persists well beyond the toddler and preschool years, affecting their ability to comfortably attend school or spend time with friends. This type of severe separation anxiety affects 4% of children and 1.6% of teenagers.

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years.

Separation Anxiety in Children: Symptoms and What’s Normal

Separation anxiety usually begins when a child is 6 or 7 months old, then peaks in the toddler and preschool years. Older children may have occasional bouts of separation anxiety, especially in new situations such as before going to sleepaway camp.

Babies and young children may have symptoms such as:

Older children may have additional symptoms, including:

When Separation Anxiety Is Extreme: What Is Separation Anxiety Disorder?

When separation anxiety is severe and chronic, or when it interferes with daily life, it may be considered a mental health diagnosis.

Researchers do not know what causes separation anxiety disorder. Like other mental health conditions, it is likely a combination of social, biological, and psychological factors. Children with a history of trauma or abuse may be more vulnerable. Symptoms usually appear in elementary school, between third and fifth grades. They include:

How to Deal with Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is no one’s fault. It is not a sign that a child is spoiled or manipulative. The distress children feel is very real, though as children get older, they learn that vocal expressions of distress may stop their parents from leaving. When dealing with separation anxiety, parents should not:

Choosing the right care provider is also critical for reducing separation anxiety. Daycare providers, nannies, and babysitters who are sensitive to the child’s needs can help. Talk to care providers about the importance of comforting and distracting the child—not ignoring them while they cry or punishing them for becoming anxious.

Some research suggests that forming a close attachment to a loving, accessible secondary care provider can ease separation anxiety. This means that daycares that provide the same carer each day, nannies, and consistent babysitters may be better options than an ever-shifting roster of childcare providers.

Some other strategies parents can adopt to ease separations include:

Separation anxiety can be difficult for both parents and children. Parents may feel stress at each separation or adjust their entire lives to reduce separations when a child has intense anxiety. This can affect an entire family, and even undermine careers. A therapist can help families manage separation anxiety in a way that minimizes trauma and honors the needs of every family member. GoodTherapy can help you find a therapist.

References:

  1. Bowlby, R. (2007). Babies and toddlers in non-parental daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they develop a lasting secondary attachment bond with one carer who is consistently accessible to them. Attachment & Human Development, 9(4), 307-319. doi: 10.1080/14616730701711516
  2. Ehmke, R. (n.d.). What is separation anxiety?. Retrieved from https://childmind.org/article/what-is-separation-anxiety
  3. Krecklow, L. L. (2018, August 28). Separation anxiety: Dos and don’ts to help your child (and you) be brave. Retrieved from https://gozen.com/separation-anxiety-dos-and-donts-to-help-your-child-and-you-be-brave
  4. Separation anxiety disorder in children. (n.d.). Stanford Children’s Health. Retrieved from https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=separation-anxiety-disorder-90-P02582
  5. Swanson, W. S. (2015, November 21). How to ease your child’s separation anxiety. Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/toddler/Pages/Soothing-Your-Childs-Separation-Anxiety.aspx

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