People often tell me that they have problems maintaining calm and respectful communication with their partner even though they intended to. They start out fine, but can’t follow through when their partner responds in disrespectful or angry ways. Some of these couples need the presence of an experienced couples therapist to be able to maintain calm and repair disruptions.

This article offers a communication model that outlines how to practice maintaining communication regarding how you feel in an honest and open way while keeping your calm. This is not about feeling good or even comfortable. This is about practicing staying calm even though you feel hurt and angry.

The rationale for this is having a fuller understanding of each other’s perspectives. Feeling angry doesn’t necessarily mean that you are bound to break up. It means that there is something you need to take care of.

If you manage to find solutions together, you will feel closer, safer, and understood on a deeper level. Imagine explaining to your partner that you are hurt and angry in a calm way. Also, imagine that your partner is able to hear you and respond in a loving way.

Because it is easier to express positive feelings and talk about what’s right in your relationship, I will recommend that you start with five positive statements about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. Build from the following, if you like:

1. What do you love about your partner?
2. What do you love about the relationship?
3. What is most important to you?
4. Give a concrete example of what makes you feel loved.
5. Give a concrete example of what you look forward to.

Expressing your love, appreciation, and willingness to stay connected and find solutions together is essential for your partner’s willingness to hear you out and consider your requests and proposed solutions to problems you are having.

[fat_widget_left]Expressing feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and sadness is a lot harder and takes some consideration. If you are able to stay calm and collected while you talk about your feelings, your chances of staying on track are higher. If you avoid blaming your partner and instead talk about what you feel, think, and what is important to you and why, it is more likely that your partner will respond positively.

Try to make it easier for your partner to listen to you and refrain from interrupting you and subsequently defending herself/himself. Try to make your statements more about yourself than about your partner. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. Self-expression is about defining yourself and what is most important to you, which is not easy when you are feeling upset and hurt.

It is natural in a relationship to feel at times that the other person is to blame. However, if you consider the matter, you will become aware that you have a responsibility for your own responses and reactions, and how you function as a partner has an influence on the relationship. Your feelings are your own, and to blame others for them is not conductive for your individual or relationship growth.

Before you start expressing feelings of anger and hurt, I recommend that you think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Consider the following:

1. What are your feelings? Do you feel angry, hurt, sad, scared, lonely, jealous, guilty, etc.?
2. Give concrete examples such as, “I feel scared when you don’t call.”
3. Focus more on what you feel, think, and want, not on your partner’s shortcomings. “I feel lonely and I miss what we used to do together.”
4. Tell your partner why it is important to you that you honestly and openly express your feelings. Make sure you explain that self-expression goes both ways, and that it takes courage to talk about feeling vulnerable. Showing vulnerabilities is a sign of strength, and talking openly and honestly about how you feel is not a weakness.
5. Be mindful of how you express yourself. Tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and eye contact are more important than most people think. Most of what you actually communicate to your partner has to do with how you communicate.
6. Be open and explicit about your intentions for having the conversation.
7. Make sure you are not having this conversation to get back at your partner. If you are very angry, you might feel vengeful. If that is the case, calm yourself and consider what is most important to you and what kind of partner you would like to be.

Don’t expect immediate success. Self-expression is a skill which takes practice to master. Ask for professional help if you need to.

For couples to communicate effectively and be able to address issues together, the partners need to focus on their respective roles and responsibilities as the listening or the talking partner.

In my GoodTherapy.org article published last month, I wrote about the responsibilities of the listening partner to ensure effective communication. In this article, I will be discussing the talking partner‘s responsibilities.

As the talking partner, or initiator, you have several options in addressing issues. One is to attack your partner with a list of complaints in a way that shows you don’t believe that anything will change. If this is your choice, your partner is most likely going to defend him/herself by returning fire with a similar list of complaints or shutting down emotionally to avoid further critique and escalating conflict. As you probably have experienced, attacking your partner is not conductive to the two of you achieving a real understanding of each other’s differences.

When couples run into a pattern of attacking and/or avoiding behavior, they are reacting emotionally to each other’s complaints and critiques. Partners often have mixed feelings of anger and hurt. Furthermore, they most likely feel disrespected and mistreated by the other partner while they behave disrespectfully in turn. In this kind of vicious cycle, there is little goodwill, understanding of each other’s thoughts and feelings, or willingness to discuss different perspectives or points of view.

I suggest that you look at another option: refusing to react emotionally, taking a proactive stance, and preparing yourself before initiating a conversation with your partner.

Below are questions to ask yourself before you initiate a conversation with your partner:

• What is most important to you? Choose one topic to talk about. Stick to your topic throughout the conversation.
• What is your intention with the conversation? Do you want your partner to understand you better? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Do you want an apology? Or do you want to punish your partner? If you are very upset, you might want to wait until you have calmed yourself and thought about your intention(s).
• What is the message that you want your partner to hear? What do you want your partner to understand about you?
• How do you want your partner to feel after the conversation? Do you want your partner to feel closer to you and hopeful about your future together? Or do you want your partner to feel guilty, shameful, and/or angry or hurt?
• How can you deliver your message so that the probability of your partner actually hearing you is the highest? What would be the best way to talk about your issue?

Here are a few more points to consider before you sit down with your partner for a conversation about what is important to you:

• Use “I” language instead of “you” language. If the conversation is more about you than your partner, it is easier for your partner to concentrate on what you are saying.
• Don’t attack your partner. Talk about how you feel and think about your topic.
• Don’t defend yourself. Talk about what is most important to you.
• Try to have five positive statements for each negative statement. Don’t forget to say what you appreciate about your partner.

Basically, how do you want to talk about your issue? Write down your points to keep your focus. Choose an appropriate time and place to present your idea in a new and more effective way. Make sure you ask your partner when a good time is for him/her to start. Also, make sure to tell your partner that you want him/her to be the initiator at a later time, and that you are willing to actively listen to what your partner has to say.

Practicing initiating a conversation about an important topic can improve your ability to communicate effectively with your partner.

Often partners are convinced that they are excellent listeners. However, when asked, many partners are unable to give an adequate summary of what their partner was saying. Partners aren’t always conscious of their tendency to plan what they are going to say next.

Some partners are busy preparing a defense if the other partner is listing complaints or has been very upset. Here, the inability to listen redirects the focus away from the talking partner toward the listener, and the conversation becomes more about the listener’s point of view instead of the partner talking about his or her problem. Often this development will cause the initiator to get even more upset, and the conversation can easily develop into a back-and-forth, escalating argument about who is right and wrong and what the point of the discussion is.

In this article, I am going to highlight what active listening entails. If you find yourself thinking you and your partner have communication problems, and aren’t quite sure about how to fix them, I want you to know that practicing active listening can greatly improve how you communicate and will ultimately help your relationship.

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• Listening is a relationship skill most of us haven’t learned. Active listening is, if practiced and mastered, the best gift you can give your partner.
• Listening is an activity where you are not just waiting for your turn to speak. This kind of listening means you are concentrating on and making an effort to understand your partner’s point of view and how she/he is thinking and feeling.
• Listening is an emotional skill that is a lot harder than engaging in counter-complaints when your partner lists her/his complaints. My best advice is to be aware of your best intentions and why the relationship is important to you.
• Listening shows you are engaged and interested in what your partner has to say.
• Listening also entails paying attention to your own and your partner’s body language. Eye contact is especially important to show you care. Reading your partner’s body language can give you clues as to how she/he feels.
• Listening shows you can manage your emotions and wait for your turn. Practice calming yourself by reminding yourself that this is more about your partner than about you. This is the ultimate gift you can give your partner when she/he is distressed. This should be combined with eye contact to show your partner that her/his opinions and emotions are important to you.
• Asking questions is a better listening tool than explaining what you think about your partner’s problem. A good listener knows the value of asking clarifying questions, thus helping your partner talk more about her/his problem.
• Giving a summary or recap of what your partner just said is an excellent way to show your genuine willingness to understand your partner.
• When you listen to your partner talking about her/his distress, you might feel a strong urge to fix your partner’s problem right away. However, offering a solution isn’t always the best thing to do before you have heard your partner out. We all know the frustrations when we are met with, “Why don’t you …” remarks before we are done explaining. This can show that the listener finds it hard to witness the partner’s distress, ultimately disincentivizing the partner from talking about her/his problem.

As an effective listener, you are able to help your partner discover her/his feelings about a particular problem she/he is having. When you are able to set your own emotions aside for the time being, you can rest assured that the probability of your partner being able to listen, when you have something to talk about later, will be a lot higher.