Hidden Depression Among Us

Depressed man on benchYou may know someone who is depressed and not know they’re depressed. People expect someone who is depressed to cry a lot, stay in bed all day, mope, or sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. But depression isn’t always this obvious.

Some people can totally fake it. They can smile and laugh; they can act like everyone else, even while they are in excruciating emotional pain. Occasionally people who can do this end up killing themselves, and no one can believe it. People who are depressed but act like they are fine may not confide in anyone. Usually they find a way to spend time alone crying or letting down the facade and then go back to acting when they have to be with people. I’ve had clients who lived with their families and only found time to cry after everyone went to sleep, and only in the bathroom. The rest of the time they were acting like someone who wasn’t in pain. On top of the pain they already feel, acting happy is emotionally exhausting, and having this secret is isolating. So, faking it can even increase the depression.

Others funnel their pain into anger and people see them rage, abuse, shame, or react with annoyance or irritation to whatever happens around them. They may or may not themselves know they’re depressed, but others often don’t guess how much devastating emotional pain they are in. People may fear them, despise them, or dismiss them as mean. It is very difficult to feel sympathy for someone who is hurting people, and it is difficult to see their vulnerability, so their depression goes unnoticed.

Still others are addicted to something, and the depression is obscured by the addiction. People with addictions spend most of their time and energy relating to the addiction. They plan to do it, anticipate doing it—these phases excite them and elevate their mood temporarily. Then they use whatever they are addicted to and it boosts their mood. But the thrill wears off, and they are depleted by the effects of the addiction and may also feel remorse or shame, so the depression descends on them, pulling them down like a cement jacket. They begin the cycle again to try to feel better; they plan and anticipate. Their whole life is about running from depression, but it becomes centered around the more dramatic force of addiction, and the depression can be unrecognized. I am not saying that all addicts are driven by depression—depression can also be caused by addiction. But addiction can be a form depression takes that is not easy to identify as depression. I include eating disorders in this category. I also include people who work most of their waking hours.

Depression isolates people. Whether they are hiding from the world in bed, preoccupied with an addiction, pushing people away with anger, or keeping their real thoughts and feelings inside while pretending to be okay, people with depression usually feel very alone.

Depression isolates people. Whether they are hiding from the world in bed, preoccupied with an addiction, pushing people away with anger, or keeping their real thoughts and feelings inside while pretending to be okay, people with depression usually feel very alone. Depression also has a built-in isolating fog quality that makes it very difficult to feel connected to people. Even when people feel safe to express exactly how they feel, it is very difficult for people who haven’t experienced a deep depression to understand how that feels. How can anyone who hasn’t experienced it understand a pain that is as intense as any open-heart surgery without anesthesia, with no cuts or bruises to show? How can anyone who hasn’t experienced it understand the complexity of pain that is not only unbearably intense itself but also complicated by many painful factors like the stigma of mental illness and the confusion of the fact that unlike other illnesses, depression causes behavior changes. People attribute behavior to the moral character of the person, rather than to the illness.

The pain is also complicated by the fact that depression attacks a person’s thoughts and feelings, rather than liver or lungs. Depression can cause a person to think she hates herself or is unhappy in her relationships. It can cause someone to believe everyone would be better off without him, or even that others would be better off dead. It can cause people to feel sad, angry, guilty, numb, or rageful, even when none of this is how they feel when they aren’t depressed.

So what can you do to help people you love who are depressed, if you can’t tell they’re depressed? Ask questions very kindly and listen to the answers very carefully. Empathize with their emotional pain—even if you have to guess at what it might be. Let them know you are there to listen and understand for as long as it takes, and you aren’t taking no for an answer. Of course if you aren’t trustworthy—if you judge them, or talk to others about what they tell you, or interrupt, get impatient, or misunderstand them, then it is better for them to talk to someone who can really listen without any of this. Being a reliable, trustworthy, patient, nonjudgmental listener is the best thing you can do in most cases with someone who is depressed.

A couple of caveats: I am talking about adults—children and teens require some variations. Also, addictions cloud the picture of depression and require their own, very different intervention. Nonjudgmental listening is still essential but may need to be combined with some firm boundary-setting and professional treatment for the addiction.

© Copyright 2012 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, California

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Channing

    August 14th, 2012 at 11:04 AM

    I think that I have been at that place in my life when I was depressed but never really let on to others what I was feeling on the inside. They always just saw me for the funny guy that they were used to seeing, and had no idea the pain that I had chosen to hide within. I think that it took a few really close friends top finally get me to own up that something wasn’t quite right, and quietly i sounght and received help for it. It just wasn’t something that I wanted to advertise or felt like anyone had to know anything about. I have never been someone who has to let everyone and their brother know what’s going on in my private life because the way I see it, that’s my business.

  • Ami

    December 3rd, 2015 at 2:18 PM

    Happiness and Sadness is a part of life.
    No one can make you happy and no one can make you sad. It is your own mind that create the sadness and happiness.
    I am in love with the one who I live for. My happiest moments is being in His company. He is all I desire. He is my beloved and my God.
    There is no other love or friendship to equal Him.
    Always be in His company and sorrow in the form of depression can never take away that real happiness from your lives.
    Love God and you will love your own company every moment.
    You are your ownself best friend and you are your ownself worse enemy.
    Be your own best friend and God’s true companion forever.
    Bliss will be yours every moment.

  • Lelani

    August 16th, 2016 at 2:58 AM

    How did you get that Ami? I really desire that but have no idea how to obtain it. @Ami

  • irrin

    June 9th, 2016 at 7:59 AM

    thats what ive been through right now, i don’t know what’s to do, sometimes the pain is killing me, n makes me feel lost. but in front of my friends i always become the cheerful girl.

  • Rebecca

    July 19th, 2016 at 1:30 PM

    Does anyone ever get exhausted trying to be everything to everyone?

  • Michele

    August 5th, 2016 at 7:54 PM

    Yes I was, now I’m just mom to my boys who are 17 & 21. I’m free but there’s more to my story. I do feel very alone.

  • Eleanor d

    October 17th, 2016 at 11:18 AM

    I feel like I’m all things to everyone trying to keep the peace at home. I have cancer, dads on dialysis, 13yr old fab daughter, mad older sister. Life is hard for me cos I’m ill and have to look after everyone despite this.

  • frank

    August 14th, 2012 at 11:32 AM

    it must be horrible to have to pretend to be happy when there is something hurting you inside..i cannot do such a thing at any cost..i just cant.

    while that is a harmful thing to do no doubt,i believe people who are capable of doing this in the first place are more vulnerable..if something bothers someone and he acts like everything is fine he is only going to turn out worse off than me because i would definitely share it with someone and feel better!

  • Purple Dreamer

    August 14th, 2012 at 12:41 PM

    This article was so refreshing to read. So many people think of the stereotypical depressed person, and don’t realize how good at acting people really are. I know that I’ll do just about anything to mask my depression while I’m at work or out and about, but when I am home, sometimes it’s an effort just to brush my teeth. When I muster up the guts to honestly answer someone’s “how are you today?” question, they are ALWAYS shocked if I answer that I’m crabby, or depressed, because it NEVER shows on my face or in how I carry myself. It is exhausting, like you said, but in sharing articles like this, educating others, hopefully the world will have a few more sensitively tuned people that can look past the facade and step into a helping, caring role, even for a few minutes.

    Thank you for this article!

  • jack

    August 19th, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    depression is taking over my body it feels like am owes stressing,my thoughts are distorted my feelings are paralyzed,almost like a zombie with no motivation n purpose to keep on living,but what makes me not to give up on myself is the gift that is inside,”music boosts my energy and self-esteem” although the pain wont leave,and i’m the only person that i play pretend with,i pretend to be happy around family and friends and that does not make me to feel better inside,”my mind is a home i’m trapped in…

  • Michelle

    October 14th, 2016 at 8:42 PM

    I agree 100 percent!!!!! This needs to go viral, it could save a life, literally.. “normal”/ happier ppl don’t really understand the different signs to look for in a loved one depressed….. even if they do know it’s still very difficult to deal with if you don’t have the understanding, patience, & commitment… xox

  • betsy

    August 14th, 2012 at 3:59 PM

    Kind of scary when you think about just how many people could be dealing with depression all alone because they are really good at hiding their feelings and their emotions. It is often hard to tell when that person who is perpetually up is hurting, and that’s why I think that sometimes it is so hard to believe when they do something that shows just how much they have been in pain. We have to look beyond the outward appearance and really listen to what our friends and loved ones are saying- you might not be able to see that pain, but if you pay close attention then you may be able to hear it in the things that they say.

  • RosE

    August 14th, 2012 at 4:45 PM

    I have never seen anyone who very convincingly hid the fact that they were depressed.

    Most of the time people who are depressed do show us the signs, but we totally miss them because as a whole we are more focused on ourselves than we are on others.

  • linah

    November 26th, 2016 at 10:56 AM

    Sometimes it’s not about hiding depression but about being strong for those you love as a student minister its very difficult to show how depressed I am I have to smiling and be there for others believe me Christians are so cruel to one another they hurt others so much I dnt know if I will be able to complete my theological courses I am so depressed right now

  • Little.Green.Monster

    August 14th, 2012 at 6:36 PM

    Purple Dreamer: You are causing harm and hurt to yourself by doing that. Speak with a friend, go out for a walk and just observe nature, there are so many things that can help. And if you still don’t feel better you don’t have to pretend like everything is fine. it will only be disadvantageous to you in the long run.

  • JimmyH

    August 15th, 2012 at 4:28 AM

    Sometimes you keep shoving those emotions and feelings so deep down inside that all of a sudden you realize that you need some help, but have no idea where to go for it.
    You find it hard to go to your friends to admit to this because you have kept it to yourself for so long that you are scared they may not believe you.
    Live the truth, ask for help

  • Connor

    August 16th, 2012 at 4:41 AM

    Do you think that since these people can so easily hide what they are experiencing that maybe they would have an easier time recovering? I mean, if they can hide it, then maybe the illness doesn’t run so deep?

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    September 4th, 2012 at 8:35 AM

    Thank you all so much for your moving, compassionate responses! The better we can all be at watching and listening compassionately, the more people will feel safe to talk about their pain and get help.

    Conner, what you’re saying makes sense, but I actually don’t think they have an easier time recovering–in fact I suspect that this version of depression probably lasts much longer than many more obvious versions. I do think they function better than other versions, though.

  • Sandi

    October 2nd, 2012 at 6:10 PM

    Depression is horrible! Because it hurts mentally to just think, a person tends to just sit around and watch TV etc. Veg out! I am that kind of person. I at first thought I could hide the pain but then realized that you need to talk to someone! I do go to a physiologist who is very good for me. She listens and lets me get all the bad stuff off my chest. Then she will talk to me and let me know that when you are Depressed, life isn’t fun or happy! But you have to do things to stop this from completely taking over your life! I tell her I am so exhausted by the weight of this depression and I just want to be normal again. I love talking to her and I also know that by going to see her I’m out and about and doing something different.
    I often refer to Depression as like the movie “Ground Hog Day.” No matter how much you want to do this or that it’s kind of like every day is the same. If I accomplish something one day I feel great but as soon as I’m done I Veg out again. I know that my depression will not be there forever, going through a divorce is hard and when my divorce is final, I know I’ll be okay. I’ve been going through this divorce for 3 very long and painful years! I just can’t see the good right now because I need closure. The closure won’t come until this is over! So for now I deal with it the best way I know and that is to take each day at a time. Some days are good while others are simply the worst. I know I will come out of this because I like the person I am. I am very strong and I know that I am a good and caring person. Please, if anyone is going through depression, talk to someone, that’s a start! You need to get rid of your pain!

  • jack

    August 19th, 2016 at 9:00 AM

    i have been feeling the same too but the problem is i dont know how to speak or talk to people,but i wil give a short to try talking to someone everyday”depression is a monster that eats us inwardly”and i love myself i just hate this major pain inside me.

  • Goth27

    October 10th, 2013 at 7:21 AM

    Sad that I can identify with this. Usually when I am under emotional distress, I tend to bury it down and keep pretending all is fine to keep people happy because in my mind that will make me happy. But obviously it doesnt. Or not for long anyway. In turn this causes me to go into extreme emotional roller coasters. Right now I would say I am at one of the low points. I have been a bit stressed out lately so I guess that is why.
    Sadly, the last time I confided in someone whoo I thought I could trust to listen to me and help me get through a low point, it blew up in my face. Now the relationship between me and this person has become so strained that seeing her on a regular basis sometimes becomes cumbersome for me. She said she couldnt handle me talking with her about certain stuff because she is such a positive person that all I do is bring her down when I approach her with my issues. So obviously now its just become much easier to pretend, even when some days its killing me because she doesnt treat me the same and unfortunately I care too much.
    I guess the trick is not so much to learn how to pretend to be fine but on how not to care about how others react around you.

  • Anna

    March 25th, 2017 at 3:20 AM

    I’ve had a similar encounter when I tried confessing to my friends. Slowly, one by one I got shut down. One of my friends’ also experienced depression at a younger age and she suddenly got all competitive, somewhat bragging about how she had a darker experience because her problems were worse. But I understand she was struggling and she had no help. I just feel horrible every day as my friends’ laugh and smile, ignoring the pain I feel. I try talking to my boyfriend about it, but sometimes I feel scared it’ll become too much for him and he’ll end the relationship. Thinking this also builds up my stress more because I know he genuinely loves me, he showers me with hugs and expresses his feelings in unique ways! It’s just that sometimes I can’t deal with all the pain I feel, but I’m not the type to cry in front of others. I feel bothersome, tired and useless.

  • wildbichir

    January 17th, 2014 at 6:32 AM

    Depression turns into a mask, a front that you wholeheartedly put all your effort into until finally one day you cannot openly express yourself to others. I’ve lived with depression for 8 years. Not once was there a break, just a continuous worsening of the condition. When it started at 13 I realised that other kids didn’t think or feel the way I did so I created a person that everyone else would see. She was hyper, loved to laugh and was always joking with her friends. Alone she was absolutely miserable, cried constantly alone in her room and was self-harming and suicidal. I played this role for six years and it was absolutely exhausting. I felt completely alone because no one knew who I really was. This continued until I was 19 and completely falling apart. I was delusional with deep self loathing. Pushed away all of my friends and stopped visiting family. Two weeks before Christmas I overdosed on prescription pills and ended up in ICU. It was a horrific experience, especially having to see my family and boyfriend after. They said it was a miracle I survived without brain damage or severe organ damage. The amount of times I had to listen to my mum saying ‘I could’ve been burying you this Christmas’. No one could believe what I had done. Now I have help, seeing a psychiatrist regularly and on medication. But the way people look at me now as if I had betrayed them. I used to think my death would be best for everyone and that it wasnt selfish but it truly is selfish. The pain I put them through. Please, if you believe you’re suffering from depression do not feel ashamed. Please seek help, doctors really are there to listen to you and if you think they haven’t taken you seriously then ask to see a different doctor. Don’t let depression get a grip on you and rule your life. Seek help as soon as you can because Iseriously wish I ad.

  • Jen C

    August 22nd, 2016 at 8:15 PM

    Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I’m afraid my daughter is depressed, and hiding it very well. Her father filed for divorce, took custody of her and my son, and I was pretty much cut out of their lives for their teenage years. She already felt I abandoned her when my son was born, because he needed so much therapy and has a life-threatening illness. Can you tell me, as a mother, what I should look for in a daughter almost 20, who has to rely on a narcisstic abusive father for food, shelter, and support?

  • barbara lakhdari

    February 1st, 2014 at 2:13 PM

    Ive been in a dark dark depression for seven years now ..its gradually grown worse ..ive suffered alot of traumatic eventsxall at once .loosing ten members of my family in ine year . . Second year of an illness I was struck with .finding out my husband is sex addict .secrets od best friend and him .co workers .msny many women his photos not proper ones splashed across a violent sex webbsite ..I suffer from panic attacks..anxiety .depression .sometimes I feel a tingle if I can get thru this then I just go back to theres just to much damage .I csnt pull up .ive got psychiatrist .therapist .did group therapy .but I cant break thru .im still with him .im terrified as im such a mess I feel I won’t survive yet its what brings me down .I wonder at times if I did make thst leap would my strength kick in would the weight of being with someone that has completely destroyed you and after begging for forgiveness didnt stop .got csught agsin .my rage is intense .I dont know how to let it go .I tend to turn inwards .ice isolated .if I described myself before its as if im a whole different person now .I just struggle and I know the feeling of not wanting to talk about it .you dont want to burden them .bring them down .u jud t suffer in silence ..how do you break thru ..im frustrated .I started journaling .havntbin years .ive stsrted to read .put positive in .but I get to this certain point and boom I get stuck .I also have physical issues and the two year illness left my body addicted to morphine whichbis had to deal with I hate thst part .I never did drugs .Im hsrd on myself .I cant see a future …

  • Jen C

    August 22nd, 2016 at 8:22 PM

    Create an exit plan, but first contact your local women’s shelter (they don’t have a published address), for help on what to do; stash cash get a p.o. Box and have correspondence sent there, get a safe deposit box, put your jewelry and other valuables, plus cash, in there. I won’t go on, you need to get away from him safely for your own safety.

  • Pretender

    February 18th, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    I haven’t realized it until a couple of weeks ago that I’ve been building up my depression for 4 years now, slowly it got worse and worse, and by the time I realized it, I had become an entirely different person, and I hate myself for it. I only ever get mad at home at my family whenever even the slightest action is done, for example my brother would sleep in the living room. As far as I know, my family and friends have never even thought about someone like myself developing a depression, my family just thinks I get mad too easily and my friends think that I don’t get mad often whatsoever, when really I just act a casual or happy mood, a face of anger and depression hidden under my mask of happiness. I often put myself down and can’t understand why I would even think such things about myself. One thing I often put myself down for is for being timid, in my group of friends, I am the one who jokes around a lot and puts everybody in a good mood, i’m never timid then but whenever I speak to someone I hardly know by myself, I get timid, as when i’m with friends and talk to somebody I don’t know, it’s almost as if I knew them for a long time. I guess the start of this depression would be when I lost one of my most important role models and the only person I could ever talk to about anything, my mother, because she cheated on my father all the time behind my family’s back, soon after I would learn she was participating in prostitution as well, and when she popped back that few bottles of sleeping pills the day after Christmas I was shocked at how heartless I was because at the age of 11 I felt absolutely nothing, as if it never happened, my family was panicking and crying and all I could do was sit their and give less of a damn, later I would cry not because I was afraid for my mother but because I hated myself for being so heartless. My mother survived, my parents divorced, I would visit my mother in the loonie bin and then at my aunts house and then not at all, because by then I had thoroughly convinced myself that I didn’t want anything to do with my mother and that I hated her with all of my heart, and then I was isolated, no emotion when anything happened, dog dies, oh well, great grandfather dies, oh well, didn’t care, and now at that time I was probably around 12 and a half. I hate all of my family members now, I never want to be home, and for the next 2 years it would stay that way, acting like I don’t care about most thing and believing that I don’t care about most things, when really, deep inside I would realize that I did care about a few important things, but never did I show it after, I just stored that info inside my brain and put it on top of the pile of things i’ll just have to get over, by 14 I would realize that my pile weighed over a few tons and was obviously too heavy for one person to carry, but I told no one anything about this, nor did I tell anybody from the very start for five years about anything, I had become self dependent for all of my decisions, what will I be when I grow up? A failure or a member of the military, maybe I will grow up to be a successful person and go to university since i’m a smart teen and have my doors open. But i’m not 100% sure on what, i’m confused, I have had no guidance, is what i’m doing a smart decision or not? I wouldn’t know. Another thing I can worry about later I guess, somewhere in the pile. And for the first time, that 2 weeks ago, I broke for the first time while I was getting carpooled back from a trip for a community service, there were seven people present in the vehicle, I sat in the back between one of my good friends and one person I judged not to be a bad person altogether. I had nothing to think about and of all things that I could think about I thought about my past and my future, why I hated myself and others, why I was confused about other short to long term decisions, what people thought of me, two being the fact I believe my father thinks I am gay and an addict, when in fact the latter was my dad’s girlfriend’s son’s fault. I also worried about what awaited me in the future, one thought that hurt me a lot was thinking about death for about a year. So for the first mental reason, I cried, silently, the not so bad person noticing first that I was indeed crying, of reasons which she still doesn’t know, but despite that, she comforted me, held my hand, put her head on my shoulder, she was present, and cared, one thing I thought no one did for a few years, and when I realized that, I would only cry for longer when I realized that absolutely nobody was there for me for so long and that I have had to deal with that for so long. Soon after my friend would notice, but he isn’t the kind of person who has dealt with such emotional crap in his life, he wasn’t heartless but he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how I had felt, and I don’t blame him, I would rather not know what to do because I hadn’t dealt with such things before, I only wished that I could be like these other people who are emotionally fine. So I would cry even more knowing who I am, for about an hour, only those two would notice, but the “Not-so-bad Person” told many people at my community service about that moment, and now I am angrier, because I thought I could trust someone with this info, the small info that I had cried that night for unknown reasons, that the first person who had comforted me first in such a long time would make it even worse for me in the end. I have had a couple of people confront me about that night, of whom were not even on the trip, and I knew who it was, and that is now another person I dislike, not hate, but don’t appreciate or respect. The friend acted like it never happened, and as did I, making it worse obviously because I was alone again, none of my other friends, as far as I know, know about this night. Later that week I compared Myself now to five years ago, and I realized that I had become an entirely new person, I used to be outgoing and have a lot of friends, but now I can be timid and have a lot less friends, and none of them are new friends either, they remind me of my past, and now because I thought about who I was, and that I had to grow up a lot faster and mature even more so to fill the places I was expecting my mother to fill. And now I hated who I had become, because I am now an alien to who I used to be. I will continue to live, never have I thought about suicide, but I have thought about what obstacles I will need to get over in my future, and now I fear it… Thanks for reading, i’m not one to be religious but god bless you all.

  • Emphathizer

    August 22nd, 2014 at 6:58 PM

    Pretender your story touches me deeply as I’ve shared a similar story. I grew up in a single parent low income home filled with alcohol abuse and mental illness. Growing up in an unhealthy environment is extremely difficult especially when you are trying to form who you are and who you might be. What further complicates things is that you don’t (like I didn’t) have anyone to relate to who you feel can understand you and who is someone who you can trust which makes you feel alone and that much more depressed. It’s difficult, in your teens especially, to feel that much different from others you know and if you’re like me it can be embarrassing. It’s as if you don’t want anyone to know your or your family’s dark secrets because somehow it makes you a bad person. Please believe me you are not a bad person. It sounds to me that all of the holding in of emotions you’re doing especially around your mother’s death is a coping mechanism and that’s ok! That’s your bodies way of trying to make sense of and survive what you’re going through. I highly recommend though going to a therapist to talk some of these feelings through because although the way you are coping now is getting you through this difficult time it is already affecting your life and may continue to if you don’t learn new coping patterns that help you lead a happier and healthier life. If I can I’d like to give you another piece of advice. As you are figuring out what you want to do in your future look for positive people and role models that might be able to help you. Just because that might not be at home for you doesn’t mean you can’t go out and find it. For people like us, we have to seek out people who will have a positive impact on us rather than be given it. You sound like a really smart and strong person but believe me this help will only make you smarter and stronger and help you to get yourself to where you want to be. At 27 I’ve already had a very difficult life, but I’m happy to say that I’m at the happiest place I’ve ever been. I’ve done this through a lot of hard work and soul searching on my part but as I look back in life I can note people who’ve come in and out of my life who’ve helped make me a better person, often at times when I least expected it. I hope this helps you in your journey and if I can help you with any questions you have about college or coping with a difficult family life please let me know. I have quite a bit of experience under my belt and I would love to help someone out in a similar situation if I can. Wishing you the best!

  • Cracks let the light in

    September 4th, 2016 at 6:00 PM

    Such a kind person you are. Reading your reply brought me to tears and helped restore my faith in humanity.
    Often the most moving people are those who’ve been wounded but still shine through.
    Two years after your reply here, I hope you’re living that lovely life you truly deserve. <3
    That everyone deserves.

  • alex

    October 29th, 2014 at 2:01 AM

    Ty pretender, i can see part of my situation in ur story. Ur story taught me that i have to look back i to my past so i can resolve my troubles in the present. I just want to lets you know that i felt the same about my future, i fear of becoming nothing. But reading ur story will help me to take up the courage to admit that i am depressed and i need help. And i will seek out for professional help.

  • Jay

    August 8th, 2014 at 7:36 PM

    The Oscar for “Best Actor” goes to . . ME! It should. God knows, I deserve it. For years now I’ve fine-tuned the art of “acting normal” in social situations. Slowly, I started declining invitations to dinner, to friend’s houses. Started screening phone calls, even to family and close friends. Mercifully, I live alone and can drop the façade when I lock the front door. I don’t know when I realized that I was more comfortable alone. It wasn’t always this way. I used to stay on the go all the time. Had too many friends to count. Too many social engagements to attend to. Slowly, things changed. The depressive episodes lasted longer. Times of happiness grew more rare. I’ve been on the medical roller coaster. “if this pill doesn’t work, we’ll stack on another . . and then another . . and then . . ” Now, unemployed and nearly broke, I put myself out there on Facebook to have some visibility. A friend from ten years ago found me and wrote, “I thought you were dead!” I found myself wondering if he might be right.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    August 9th, 2014 at 10:34 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Jay. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Preston

    August 30th, 2014 at 6:03 AM

    I was depressed, life couldnt seem to be more bleak. After several periods of time i lost my will to hang out with friends, my closest friends; and when i do i cover my face up with my most cheerful ebullient smile as if nothing was bothering me. I was afraid of the future or what i might have become. I was ashamed to confide to my family that i am gay, afraid to lose the people i love the most, i am afraid that they will no longer love me or accept me if they know who i really am.seems like this website is the only place where i can be honest to people since a veryvery long time ago. I dont know whether i still have depression or not, but one thing is clear to me. I will not let it bring me down,and i really hope someday i have the courage to come out of the closet. So fellow people, dont let it eat you up.

  • anonymous

    October 16th, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    I am experiencing this type of depression and have been for the last 10 years… Its really killing me emotionally and mentally, Its caused me to lose faith in humanity although I have many friends and am great at making friends… but in reality I never really connect to anyone or put trust in anyone , hard to explain …. anyways I just don’t know what to do anymore because the effects are becoming more serious recently.. im losing interest in my future even though I know I have great potential … I don’t try to get help because I know im beyond the point of anyone being able to help me and I know nobody will understand me or what im feeling or why im feeling that way.. i don’t feel like i am in anyones best interest so i see no need in confiding in anyone …

  • alex

    October 29th, 2014 at 1:45 AM

    I feel the same with you. I was top of 2 subjects in my high school, i had 5 offers to the best universities in my city. But now, i think i am an useless, no future man. I dont even know if anyone can help me to get out of this. But it is some kind of relieve to know that i am not the only one. Cheer.

  • veronica

    October 24th, 2014 at 7:10 PM

    Reading this I realized that I can see myself in a lot of the comments and the article. I have been closed off from family and friends for about 12 years now. But the hardest thing for me is to open up to others, I have no trouble being the ear for others but I don’t want to burden my family with my problems.

  • lo

    October 27th, 2014 at 5:30 AM

    people who are depressed fake normalcy at least just so they arent ostracized. there are 2 reactions Ive encountered to “acting depressed”. 1) treatinging you like you are weird/creepy/crazy and many times making fun of you (“Debbie Downer.” 2) treating like you are a jerk and being disrespectful by not being cheerful and social – combined with the “why cant you just get help” attitude. Very rarely someone will show concern for how you are doing emotionally. So there are two choices – pretend you are content at least and even happy or receive negative reactions from society making you feel worse.

  • lo

    October 27th, 2014 at 5:32 AM

    …having to wear a mask just to protect yourself from society’s negative reactions to your depression is exhausting and makes things worse but there is virtually no choice.

  • Bianca

    November 6th, 2014 at 9:12 AM

    My mom died 5 years back and it did not sit me well, I have been grieving since then, went to see some psychiatrist, and had to move to varsity so I couldn’t be in touch with her. I have turned into a sociopath, a psycho, I am a friendly person and loves laughing a lot, but when I am alone, i am one person trying to fight demons in me, slay them to pieces, I cry, I cry and always cries, but I do all that alone, and I feel like people don’t understand me because every time I have to explain myself I have to cry, when I get too happy, I can’t end a day happy, I should get hurt, by crying, sometimes I’d laugh so hard that I end up crying really hard that it hurt, I found my way and it’s through writing, but sometimes I’d hold a pen and really don’t know what to write because I’d be so hurt, I am so close to my little brother who is 8 years now and I sometimes get too scared, my heart beats fast and I’d cry to imagine what if he dies, my life will end, sometimes I feel like screaming out so loud because it hurts, I’m hurting inside, I feel dead and empty, my relationships are drowning because when I try to push them away because I can tell if someone has the same mentality as me or not, but they will just follow, when they realise my demons are too large, they run and never come back, there was one guy who used to understand me, he was something like me, but we felt too comfortable in what we had, we grew apart, and at that time I thought I was healing, we no longer had to share what we felt, that’s when he knew my kryptonite and felt he was gonna use it against me. I’m getting worse everyday, but in front of people, I appear normal, happiest girl ever, but indoors, I’m like a monster to myself, sometimes I just need a song that intoxicate me and maybe cut myself and smile, I was even diagnosed for migraine headache , a sociopath like me. I really need help to get rid of the mentality I have, sometimes nature puts me together,even when I write, I never wrote of happiness because I knew I has gonna lie, I can not define it

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 6th, 2014 at 10:30 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Bianca. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Phyllis

    November 17th, 2014 at 12:45 PM

    Hey

    I would never admit that I am depressed but I won’t deny that sometimes I feel like saying what is the point, I just don’t get the point of life- of me- of pain- and I pray to God that I will have a heart attack and then I feel guilty for doing so.

    But life is so beautiful and I look out to a beautiful sunrise or look out of a window while I eat my breakfast, see the rain pouring and it’s so cosy or the birds chirping and I love the world around me. Someone makes me smile or I smile at someone and I know that I have made their day. I am so inspired by the fun, happy people in the world and I am so proud of them and I hope to learn something from them.

    It’s nice to read some of these comments and feel relieved that I’m not the only one who feels like that but I hope also that there are some people who read my comment and feel like in spite of the self hate and lack of confidence and sad times there is a point to life.

    I mean just today I was thinking: I’m always asking myself what is the point, why am I here? So why don’t i decide. Just today, right now even I’ve decided. I feel like I’m here because life is short and it should be enjoyed by being curious and exploring. I feel like I’m here to see how much I can get out of life. I feel like I’m here to love people with all my heart, and I think that should include me too. I feel like I’m here to offer that smile to someone who cherishes an honest, loving smile. I feel like I’m here so that on my death bed I can smile and say wow what a beautiful life that was.

    I love you all and thank you,

    Phyllis

  • raj

    December 14th, 2014 at 10:18 AM

    I feel exactly the same way… i fake it wen around people … feel like crying when alone but i am not able to cry… get angry on petty issues… i think its killing me.. help

  • Boitumelo

    December 29th, 2014 at 5:48 AM

    I fake my happiness and nobody knows how I feel inside my heart is torn apart.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 29th, 2014 at 9:52 AM

    Thanks for your comment, Boitumelo. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Ladyhawk

    January 20th, 2015 at 10:57 AM

    I always hide my emotions because I learned through painful experience that people will kick you when you are down more often than they will give you a hand up. I’m depressed, even suicidally depressed, about 98% of the time. If I tell a Christian, he’ll proselytize me. If I tell a Buddhist, she will suggest I’m not thinking positively enough and that I’m asking for it. There are very few freethinkers around here and even those that do exist are to be regarded with distrust. Trust no one. People really don’t care.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 20th, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    Hi, Ladyhawk. We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:

    • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • L.O.V.E

    January 26th, 2015 at 7:45 PM

    I never knew the meaning of depression until i came to US. I came here with my fiance pregnant and the transition was too fast for me to understand what happened to my life. I knew I wasn’t ready to settle down and couldn’t also imagine that my life would change entirely. Christmas in a snow storm had to move 4 times! I felt hopeless and suicidal! My pregnancy was tough i threw up the whole time i hardly eat and getting good sleep was hard! I gave birth to a colicky baby, and i felt i was getting crazy! Crazy as hell!! Couple months later Mom passed away back home which didnt help my recovery from what ive been through. A year later ex cheated on me and blame me that it was my fault!! Divorced while go to school/work and taking care of a baby. Ex remarried right away and stop seeing my child and told me it was my fault why he stop seeing my son!in relationship now but seeing his true color and i believe better to stay single. What ive been through hard as hell, but i always think the reason why im in this world. I have no family here but my son. Still trying to work on having a better life. What i always think “im always grateful for all the things i have especially the priceless smile of my son!” I know life is hard for me and i do believe it will get better…when i think of dead end. I always remind of myself, Growing old is denied to many. Let us look the bright side no matter what. Let us learn to appreciate small things coz small things where great things begins! Never lose hope and faith! :-)

  • TopKat

    January 27th, 2015 at 11:53 PM

    Hi there. I really can honestly say I feel embarassed and ashamed that I struggle with depression and anxiety… They both decided to walk hand in hand and partner up and become my buddies without my permission…I was diagnosed with a low form of depression called Dysthymia and GAD- General Anxiety Disorder… I have had every crazy symptom from all forms of emotion and physical stresses on my body. And yes, I’m the functional one who puts on my mask to help take care of others, neglecting my own needs a lot of the time, and then breaking down at times in the running water of my shower….
    I’ve gone through… No, let me say I am still going through a lot. They say God won’t give you more than you can handle… I sometimes laugh in all this madness and think God thinks I’m Wonder Woman… :) I try to have a sense of humor through the emotional ups and downs I have… What else is there really? We all go through something don’t we?
    I mean I’ve gone from physically hurting and crying in bed on some days, and others I’m busy and taking care of things. Days I want to eat, other days I don’t… Its quite terrible really.. I want and desire to have normalcy and balance. I have a lot of healing that has to happen. But I also need to be compassionate and forgiving of myself and also at the same time kick myself in the booty and keep going. Even when it seems there’s no point… I even had a night where I contemplated falling off of my balcony.. It was such a sneaky little thought.. And also a very scary one. Me? I would never think to end my life.. That’s not me… So I’m in essence fighting within myself for the things I know are right and trying to battle the thoughts that are bad… Not fun.. Not fun at all. But at least I can recognize it and do something about it. And for me, I know medication is not the answer. Its a matter of educating myself and finding healthier safer ways of managing my symptoms until I can be healed. I have hope that this will pass.

  • TANIA

    April 24th, 2015 at 7:34 PM

    Just by reading this I can sum up your character. You are a strong woman. I know you feel like you aren’t, but he’ll you are, I know you’ve been through hell.. I can see through the positivness you mask on. Let me tell u something Hun , someone that fights these thoughts , it tends to bring you lower and drain you. You become your own worst enemy, sometimes you need to let your depression be. It’s ok for it to eat you away at times, it’s like when you cut yourself , you put a bandaid on, but it’s still bleeding.. You are sweeping all your problems under the rug for the sake of others and of course trying to make yourself feel better. Sometimes you need someone to tell you that it’s OKAY to not be okay. Take a deep breath and acknowledge how much you’ve been through and what more there is to become.. That saying where you said, ” God thinks I’m a wonder woman” oh darling, I’ve said this to my mother and psychologist every god damn day of my life! There is no such thing as rock bottom for me, I get surprised everytime I say “this has been the worst day of my life”. I have a little song for you. If you like this one then I’m sure your going to be searching the rest of his music..
    Goodluck in future beautiful girl. I genuinely wish the best for you x
    youtu.be/gi-crVagUok

  • Samantha B

    February 2nd, 2015 at 1:48 PM

    Hi,I’m 15 and I was looking up people who are positive and breakdown when alone, and I came across this, I didn’t really think I was depressed, but after I read this I re-thought and re-read and realised that I pretty much am this person who tries to be positive around my friends to make them feel better when they are having their problems, but when I’m alone I completely go silent and just cry, like tonight I don’t even know why I just completely broke down and started to give myself advice through my reflection. I just want someone to tell me what’s wrong with me maybe then I will feel better and tell my friends and family what’s wrong, I just don’t have the courage. I know it may seem stupid that a 15 year old is saying this, but I just really want to know, so if you could maybe help I would be really grateful.

  • Gaby

    February 3rd, 2015 at 7:06 PM

    Hey, I just wanted to say that I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it may be depression because of how much my life has changed. My mom started to do drugs and it absolutely changed her, she also got deported, my childhood house got foreclosed on, I got separated from my siblings, and now I have no motivation to do anything. I’m scared to seek for any advice because of “what would my family think”. I’m not going to school regularly, the reason is because I just don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, so as a result I’m failing and my stepdad is telling me that I’m going to get kicked out of school and my sister is telling me that I’m not good enough. I don’t know if those factors are for depression or not, I’m unmotivated but I’m pretty sure others call it lazy, I cry when I think about the things that are going on, and I just think I’m useless and not normal. It would just be a breath of fresh air if I could figure out what is wrong with me, is it depression or is it just laziness? Don’t get me wrong, around others I laugh and smile all the time but I hardly ever tell them how I feel.

  • Raine

    February 21st, 2015 at 11:15 PM

    You’re not lazy Gaby. You are a very good hearted person that is having difficulty expressing your emotions. You’ll need to face them. It’s all overwhelming and I know that you feel like it’s so painful but trust me, it’ll pass with time. I’ve been there. I thought I’d never ever make it but we do. People like me went through hardships, and will continue to, so that we can tell you that IT WILL and does get better. Your sister is different how she handles things, and even though she said hurtful things, she may be hurting inside on her own. Forgive her. You may try reaching out to someone. Do not feel ashamed. Talk to a counselor. Talk to a friend. Pray my dear. In the end, when all else fails, hope and faith remains. I’m praying for you.

  • Lost

    February 14th, 2015 at 6:43 AM

    I don’t know what to do any more I have a problem that every time I hear I love you from my parents or family I think “You only love me because I was born in the family and you was force to love me”. And I don’t feel love anymore only that it’s three words dose that mean that I’m a bad person? Then every time I cry I make myself laugh. And then I tell myself I lost my mind and my heart long time ago and then I have dreams that I get killed. And something else I m scared to talk to anyone because they might think I m missed up and send me away. Im I going crazy?

  • Emily

    February 25th, 2015 at 9:04 PM

    So lately, the past months i’ve been through a lot, not gonna get into deatil but i just i dont know okay so my mom cries A LOOOT and me and my sister see it practically everyday, so like we’re numb to it, kinda i dont know i mean i feel sad for her but like i dont know i don’t cry like i cant remember the last time i did cry, i mean i have a few tears like once in a while but thats it, even if i try i cant i always get that feeling in my throat where ir hurts & i know i have all this pain & crying inside me but i don’t let it out cause i just don’t know how.. lately me and my friends drifed apart.. like its just me and my sister & one of my bestfriends & all them, i feel so unwanted in the group even when one of them says they want us their but i feel so unwanted & just like no one would care if me and kaley would leave.. i don’t do anything ever i used to be so out going & fun & now i’m just their & yeah i smile & laugh but sometimes i’m just quiet & feel socially awkward. i don’t know what to think or believe whats wrong with me? i dont know what to feel or think like i also could cry for anything like say theirs something funny or sad i could have a tear come out but thats it nothing more. i dont know okay thanks if you reply & i may have left things out but yeah

  • naz

    March 3rd, 2015 at 4:59 PM

    I don’t know if I depressed or not.
    Im happy around my friends,and when I come home I feel mad and said and always mad at my brother.when I come home I go to my room and shut the door,till supper time.and eat then go back to my room. last night I cut myself for the first time

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 3rd, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Naz. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • t

    March 9th, 2015 at 5:58 PM

    So as usual im up late and cant sleep with my mind working over time. Like some of use I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. I have an amazing boyfriend and a beautiful daughter but still I feel numb to everything else. My life by far hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been the worse. Ive had problems all my life with anger etc that really is the only emotion I feel a lot. Example of my emotions being numb… we lost our baby at 12 weeks after having numerous miscarriages before my daughter I accepted didn’t really feel anything but blocked it out again lost our baby at 8 weeks 4 weeks ago yet again blocked it out haven’t cried. I don’t take drugs and hardly ever drink.i find it extremely hard to try anf speak and explain to anyone how im feeling. How can you possibly explain how your feeling when you don’t know. Hopefully in the morning ill visit my doctor but to be honest I probably won’t and get on and manage like I have.

  • Opal

    April 29th, 2015 at 8:43 AM

    Precious t, while no one can know how you feel exactly, pain is so individual, there are some who may be better able to help you through the unique pain associated with miscarriage and similar losses. I am not recommending this site, but I am sharing it with you as a possible starting place to help you through this time.

    babylosscomfort.com may be able to help you to connect with others who can share your pain so you don’t feel so alone and can perhaps offer insight about how to cope. Please try to remember that you are not only dealing with the emotions of loss, but your body is recovering as well. Your hormones may even be the cause of some of your pain. Know that you are loved. I will be praying for your recovery and return to wholeness and wellness.

  • Sylvia

    March 13th, 2015 at 8:49 AM

    I’ll go straight to the point: I had a difficult childhood but looking at myself now everyone would believe I am having a good life, including me, I think I do!

    Most of the times I try to stay happy however, I often have a strange feeling: I FEEL LIKE I WAS CRYING FOR HOURS WHEN I DIDNT. I might have been cooking, gone out for a walk or sleeping and waking up feeling like I was crying all night. WHAT IS IT? It’s a very intrusive symptom which happens quite frequently. I found no related website so far that can explain this symptom and relate this to a mental illness. Has anyone experienced this? Do you know what this is?

  • vivi

    March 29th, 2015 at 11:05 PM

    I know Iam still growing and still having new experiences but lately I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I always push my feelings to the side, try to forget them and pretend everything’s okay but every once in a while I break down completely. I know this is wrong but I don’t like asking for help because I don’t like looking “weak” so I hold everything in. Tonight was one of those nights where I was laying in bed and I just started to cry, I feel so damaged, I feel like nobody understands me, I feel useless for not being able to cope with my feelings and it makes my heart hurt even more but I have such a hard time saying how I feel to other people. I don’t want to do that anymore, I don’t want to be that person. I want to express myself freely and actually enjoy my life, not just pretend anymore.

  • Vanessa R

    April 22nd, 2015 at 10:50 PM

    I feel the same way sad inside I don’t know what to do, it hurts so much in my heart I cry mostly everyday I sleep all day mostly I think my body is doing it as a way to cope and avoid all my feelings

  • Anna

    July 27th, 2015 at 12:35 PM

    I call what you are experiencing “shut down mode” because that is what is feels like to me.

  • Tania

    April 24th, 2015 at 7:07 PM

    Aww beautiful girl :( I am exactly like you , this comment really cut me deep cause I genuinely know what you are going through. No matter how much depression can make you deny that people do understand, I do. That moment where you break down from keeping it so hidden, you feel like the Angels just break down with you, that the whole world is just a illusion masked by sorrow and pain. I feel you darling , (I am someone studying to be a phychologist and yet battling mental illness, lol the irony). I pray for a quick emotional recovery just to at least get You through today <3

  • Roop

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:42 PM

    Cant sy nythg dears
    M on d same track…!!
    I dn knw wt to do
    Frdz,al things,dis dat blah blah ol r keep on changing bt m still dere,dat pain z stilll dere
    No solution
    I use to shw m happieee n i use to mak ma frdz happie bt in real no wrds dt wt m feeling inside

  • Anna

    July 27th, 2015 at 12:37 PM

    That was a beautiful way of putting the dark blanket into words.

  • Lisa

    May 23rd, 2015 at 3:10 PM

    When I act depressed, no one wants to be around me because being depressed makes me “negative,” at best and “toxic,” at worst.
    So then act like I’m fine, and resent the people who don’t notice the inauthenticity and am rejected by those who do.
    Tell me: how exactly does one win in this society? What else WOULD I think aside from the fact no one wants to hear it, and they as well as I would be better off without me? After 32 years, I’ve lost my fight.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 23rd, 2015 at 8:05 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Lisa. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • T

    May 23rd, 2015 at 8:09 PM

    I’m the same. I hate it. The world is cold… Stay strong babe xxx

  • Kate

    June 26th, 2015 at 4:07 PM

    Me too. B good to talk if ur interested…sum1 that understands. therapy is expensive so we cud help each other. Iv studied it myself (it’s cheaper :D) I’m 30 with 2 kids (6&9) and struggling badly too… I need to let off steam….

  • Anna

    July 27th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    One day i feel i have lost the fight and the next i see a tiny ray of light. But most days im jst numb and here. I dont know how we keep living. I really dont.

  • s

    May 29th, 2015 at 4:40 PM

    I’m so scared, I’m just like that I fake and pretend to be okay because they might think I’m crazy or sth so I act normal or naturally when I’m with people and cry a lot when I’m alone because I’m in pain and I don’t understand anything. Above all I just try to avoid people, and although there are very few times when I’m with someone, I overthink in that moment, thinking about if I’m acting naturally enough you know, idk I just don’t want to get attention, I mean I know this is not my fault because hopefully I was happy so that I wouldn’t feel all this pain, but somehow I’m ashamed :S the most scaring thing to me is that part where it says “they end up killing themselves” I’m so scared. I wouldn’t be writing this of it wasn’t anonymous. Thank you for reading this.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 29th, 2015 at 8:17 PM

    Thank you for your comment, S. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • s

    May 30th, 2015 at 5:44 AM

    Sorry I meant “the scariest thing” sometimes I mess my English up

  • Fluffyyyyyyyyyyyy

    June 2nd, 2015 at 1:01 PM

    My mom doesn’t care about Me. She just cares about my older brother. I try. I really do. I get straight, unlike my brother. I don’t argue, unlike my brother. I listen to my mom and her problems, unlike my brother who doesn’t care about her. But my mom doesn’t care about me. She gives my brother all the attention. Just ten minutes ago I pretended to be sleeping because I was crying and my mom came in. My friends? Yea, I might still have some. But I don’t think they like me. They’ve all drifted. Next year I’ll be a freshman. But who cares? I all A’s all year except for one B 89 in Social studies. My mom gives me crap about it and laughs. Then she sees my brothers grades- mostly D’s. My mom is like “your sister doesn’t even try and she gets A’s”. Are you kidding me? I worked my butt off. My friends don’t help. None of them have realized I’m gone. Its summer. I plan on not talking to my friends. Maybe make a few fake friends in my head? Or just stay cooped up in my bedroom blasting Nightcore, Dubstep, Country or just sounds. I don’t cry at night. I cry in the middle of the day when ny brother is out of the house and my mom is working. I admit. I NEED to lose ten-five pounds. I need to work out. Because, I’m not pretty or athletic or smart or special. I have no talent. Wait, no. My talent is putting on a fake smile everyday, pretending to be happy, and pretending everyone cares. That’s my talent. I’m so sorry for rambling. I’m also sorry for being selfish in that paragraph. I’m also sorry for taking up your time. Have a lovely day. Think of fluffy rainbows and please, be happy.

  • Fluffyyyyyyyyyyyy

    June 2nd, 2015 at 1:04 PM

    I get straight A’s unlike my brother* and many other errors but unicorn! X3

  • Mizuki

    July 17th, 2015 at 3:04 AM

    Hi, i’m mizuki. Your story coincides with my story. My mom does’nt like me and always admires my two brothers. And i hate my mom. I am regretful that she is my mom.

  • Rawr.

    June 2nd, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Umm well, I was talking to my friends ten minutes ago. Twenty to an hour ago (lost track of time) I was crying my eyes out. I was crying my eyes out while talking to my friends. One of them knew I was crying. Did nothing. I was also very hot, had a headache, couldn’t breathe, was hyperventilating, was shaking uncontrollably, and I was sitting on my bedroom floor in the corner hugging my knees. Of course, my one friend knew this. She didn’t do anything. Then it all stopped, so I told her. She stopped messaging me for twenty minutes until I said I stopped. Then she wanted to talk about this guy. This is why I want to die. One of the reasons. I cut. On my ankle. Only 3 times in one year but that’s because I’m scared to. When I do, it barely cuts because I use a rusted knife. But, like this article states, I put a fake smile on my face, help others, and act like nothing happened. Until I get in my room. All alone with my thoughts…. thank you for listening. Goodbye, nice people. I’m going to bed.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 2nd, 2015 at 8:18 PM

    Please use this for comments where people are in crisis:

    Thank you for your comment, Rawr. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • (Required)

    June 4th, 2015 at 11:36 PM

    I have this crushing sadness inside me.. I didn’t realize it was so bad until I started college and came home to a mother who now calls me a “recluse” and who says she’s concerned about me.. It’s confusing being in my head because I have felt happy and know that I am anticipating the life I have ahead of me, but most of the time I just feel hopeless and down. I feel misunderstood, lost, and I sometimes just want to end everything.. But I know I can’t because I deserve to see how my life turns out and I want to… But I also want to not feel this pain anymore.. My mom says she is concerned, but when I try to talk to her she asks me if something else is bothering me–if there is an underlying cause to what I am feeling. It is so frustrating because I honestly cannot answer her because I don’t know what causes my lows. I hate that she says she is worried and that she notices things, but overall it’s like she notices nothing at all. I don’t like opening up, but I really need to talk to someone, but I don’t know how, and I don’t want to feel misunderstood any more. My panic attacks have been frequent in the last few months, just writing this makes me feel numb, dizzy, and my heart is racing. I hate this anxiety, I hate not being fully honest with my friends and family for fear of hurting them or alienating myself, and I am tired of my life being meaningless… I’m just not okay right now.

  • Max

    June 8th, 2015 at 10:51 PM

    Ive always pretended to be happy around my friends, Im mostly known for how funny and how I can make other people feel better, I pretend to be happy but Im not. Pretending to be happy is becoming to hard for me now and I dont think I can go on, Im afraid if people see the real me They will be.. Like afraid of me or think of me as a psyco crazy guy..

  • yasmine

    June 24th, 2015 at 3:15 PM

    Im exactly the same i act so happy around my friends! im the girl who’s always happy, smileing and laughing my ass off – thats what they see. The truth is im severly depressed i lay in my bed crying after school everyday and cant do the simplest things which causes a shit ton of arugments with my mum who refuses to get me any anti-depressents she just shouts at me and calls me a lazy bitch. i told one of my best mates that i was depressed earlier today and he was shocked he never could have guessed and i am so scared that he doesnt belive me.

  • Kate

    June 26th, 2015 at 4:00 PM

    Don’t worry about him either way, it’s irrelevant.
    If u want anti depressants go to the doctor. Ur mum don’t need to know. I did. Wen I was 12. I’m now 30. I came off them wen I was 26…shud never have done that. I’m thinking I may go back. Depression is a silent disease and because ppl can’t see it, it’s not real….Unless they feel it too.
    It’s also extremely common. X

  • Mobin

    September 12th, 2015 at 8:32 AM

    Actually the things going into my life is same as you told & I think v have to carry on wid this things

  • tasha

    June 9th, 2015 at 8:23 AM

    I’ve been depressed since I was 10. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. Ultimately, abandoning me. My sister never loved me. Hated and resented me. Now doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead. Was bullied and ostrisized by all my classmates all throughout primary school. I had one friend she betrayed me over a fight between her mother and my grandma. My relatives don’t care if I’m alve or dead. My learning disabilities made me a failure scholastically. My husband is a man child that doesn’t take care of my needs. My eldest son hates me. My second son is physically and mentally disabled. The last ray of hope in my life is my daughter. But now I suspect something may be wrong with her mentally. I am depressed because my life has been one long string of disappointments, failures, and dream crushing. Any thoughts of hope,joy,or love has never happened and never will. My life ment nothing to anyone and I contributed nothing of value by being alive. Who can understand that?

  • Grey

    June 27th, 2015 at 7:04 AM

    Hi Tasha I feel your pain or something similar spent the last 30 odd years being let down and diss appointed it’s like waiting for your turn to be happy and it seems like it will never come.but life is a test and we as people have to have shit like this because I believe in the future we will get our turn at happiness.

  • Bunny👑

    June 19th, 2015 at 6:59 AM

    normally after i talk to ppl i do get attached pretty fast…. now even after being so upset after a breakup for 3months. Now….even when a new crush hurts me. I cant even cry, cant even feel sad for myself but jst the guilt. idk what for but thats how it feels. Maybe just the exp?

  • Roop

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:37 PM

    Same here bunny
    Cant say nythg

  • Kelsie

    June 27th, 2015 at 2:58 PM

    I know how that feels, it’s the feeling of numbness, why you’ve felt down for so long that now? Now you can’t even cry, the guilt feeling is more than likely because you feel ashamed for liking them as you feel as though they dersevre someone better and feel as though you haven’t even got a chance with them but let me assure you that you are worth so much more than you think, if they don’t like you back then they clearly don’t deserve you, sometimes you just have to live in the moment, I know things can be tough but you will get through this xxxx

  • Zena

    June 20th, 2015 at 2:31 AM

    My partner says to me go n do something then u wont feel depressed down upset he said its simple to solv it do something then ule fprget about it

  • Roop

    June 27th, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    I use to shw to ma frdz dat m very happy n i use to make dem happy,m
    Jovial kind of person as dey use to say me bt in real m nt,u cant imagine hw m feeling inside.m bisexual hving intrst in both sex,dis z nt d thing dat make me sad evn m happie wid dis bt smtym i feel m different than others.ma body z nt matching with ma soul,on d other hand ma family.ma fmly dn understand me as dey hving their own lyf.dey dn bother wt m doing,wt i wnt.dey js act like Ma stepparents.i dn knw wy.
    M vry dippressed cz m nt finding ny way.all my need z lv.
    Smtym i use to put sad pic on ma DP den ma frdz rplies r so bad..
    (Isssss dis DP z nt suiting u,u r nt lik dat dis dat blah blah)
    Bt hw do i make dem satisfies dat dude hlo m also human being.
    Dey dn u understand me at ol,
    M alone,empty n so lonely frm inside
    I dn knw wt wil b ma future smtym i feel lyk i gonna commit suicide bt whn i usetp think abt lyf den i use to satisfy ma slf dat no m nt dat mch looser..

    So no solution :( i dn knw whr dese thing going to take me.
    So speechless
    M actor in frnt of ma frdz
    Bt in real m….!!!!! No words

  • Bri

    June 28th, 2015 at 7:22 AM

    I have been depressed for over have of my life (I am almost 26). My parents got divorced and my father remarried shortly after. I never coped well with the change; while my mother and father were going through their issues I was able to talk to a therapist a couple times. But once their divorce was finalized the counseling stopped. Neither one of my parents ever asked if I was ok or about my feeling when inside I was hurting every single day. So growing up I felt as if no one cared about my feelings. In the past 8 years I have endured my father telling me to go find a new father, my mother telling me that no one ever wanted me, as well as other family members emotional abusing me. But like my whole life I sit back and take the abuse. I now have multiple panic attacks when I’m around people or when I’m having a flashback of a painful event, I either sleep to much or I’m awake for days on end, I am scared of males, and hate the majority of people because I’ve been lied to and used for the most part of my life. Years later, all of the emotions and thoughts that I have been holding on to are really effecting me. I get up every day, put on my fake face, and go to work pretending my life is fine. But as soon as I leave my mask comes off and I am severely depressed. For the past 5 years I’ve been slowing losing the will to live. On a daily basis I ask myself what is the point of living. I have no family or friends so I continue to hold in my feelings. When I have been to the doctors and explain to them that I am depressed they seem to not care and simply give me a medication that does not work. I have been on several medications in the past 5 years and nothing has helped at all.

  • Laura

    June 29th, 2015 at 7:52 AM

    I’ve come to realize that I am depressed. I’m 30 years old with a beautiful daughter and awesome boyfriend. But I have no friends. I’m terribly lonely. My boyfriend has lots of friends therefore his phone is going off constantly and his fingers type massive amounts of texts and snap chats all day long. No one, not even my family talks to me for weeks at a time. When out in a crowd of his friends I am left out of conversations as if I’m invisible. I don’t matter… do I matter? I’m socially awkward and I feel like a pathetic human. I crave conversation and friendship. I feel empty and very jealous of my boyfriend.

  • Clarice

    July 6th, 2015 at 11:24 PM

    I feel this, everyday.
    I’m so lonely but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want people to pity me, to think that I’m pathetic so I make friends, a lot of them, and still feel like an outsider.
    What hurts the most is when hearing people telling me, you’re so lucky to have such cheerful and carefree personality.

  • Theresa

    July 10th, 2015 at 1:47 AM

    I have pretended throughout my life. As a child I had to act happy in order to have a home…I grew up as a foster child and my brothers and i were terribly abused during those 14 years in foster care. You learn how to act happy and how to keep quiet so no one knows the truth. All the time holding on to when you will be an adult and it will all be different. Of course life was totlly different but the depression was still there and I had no idea that was what it was even. I had to try harder , be more thankful, work harder, etc. but all along it was there too. Finally after some years I started to get treatment and therapy and it has helped immensely. But this depression is still here… I am so much better than I was but when I took a test to see if I was depressed I scored higher than the chart went-but this is feelinbg pretty good to me. I continue to see my therapist and a psychiatrist. I have had numerous hospitalizations, they happened in the year after our dear daughter died from cancer. Now I am working through more grief… my husband died last sept. then my brother that shared the homes and abuses in October. I know that i have not begun to work thrtoigh that with my brother. I dont’ understand why it takes so long. I know I am so much better off now than 10 years ago but it does seem that it will go on forever. Maybe that is OK though if it does. I do better wit h the extra support I get from therapy and my insurance pays well so maybe this is a good thing to just continue to do. I am amazed at how awful I feel and then someone calls and it is like there is this new me that popped in there and then we have some fun and I come back homeand collapse. It is such hard work to be on like that. No answers… I just keep on keeping on and working on it as I can. That is another issue though. It is incredibly hard to take myself to get some exercise… so hard to join in and then show up consistently. So, I tend to drop out and never go back. that does not help either. WEll… I said more than I planned. thanks… we all just have to hang on. I use to have a support group some years back. I like that as it was with other depressed peoples and we could relate. that helped. I wonder if there are any around anymore.

  • sherry

    July 14th, 2015 at 6:11 PM

    I’m 33 and been depressed since I could remember. I remember going in my closet and crying I remember playing by myself I remember wanting to kill myself. still to this day I feel the same way now I have 11 year old daughter who’s falling in the same footsteps who sings may be depressed and nondepressed shin has called her to be the same way. I’ve shut myself off of telling how I feel she does the same I show everyone else I’m happy but inside I’m sad. I also have a boyfriend of eight years and I’ve also showed him out of my life because of my depression my little girl has done him the same way. I don’t know how to fix this problem because I’ve been this way all my life I need help not only for me but most of all for my child. I have a lot of health issues that no one knows about and it’s come from my depression and stress and no one has helped me overcome this horrible disease. I feel I’m a bad person because my will is not strong. I feel helpless worthless and don’t deserve to be a parent.

  • Anna

    July 27th, 2015 at 12:21 PM

    I am right where you are excpet i do not have my girls in my life. The depression is slowly killing me but everyone wants me to keep trying. I get so tired sometimes and i just want to stop being. I gave gotten to the point that it does not matter if i tell the truth of what i feel because everyone seems to think i can keep pulling myself back up. I dont know how much longer i live this way.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 27th, 2015 at 8:02 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Anna. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Richard

    August 5th, 2015 at 12:40 PM

    I am in my 50’s and have been battling depression and mania for some time now. I can’t seem to be happy with who I am. I feel so ugly inside of myself, but I have to pretend like if there is nothing wrong with me on the outside. I can be around people for a few hours and then I feel like if my whole world is crumbling with inside myself,that’s when I have to be by myself so I could release those emotions of overwhelming and uncontrollable urge to wheep. I have no friends and family members stay away because they don’t know how to deal with mental illness. So my only refuge is living in a garage and isolating myself days at a time without coming out. I often pray for something to happen to me so that I could be released from this mental prison.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 5th, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Hi Richard, thank you for your comment!
    Please know there is help available! Working with a therapist can help you manage the isolation, depression, and mania you feel, and give you tools to help overcome it. You can search for a therapist on the GoodTherapy.org directory here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Wishing you the very best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • sweetness

    August 14th, 2015 at 8:02 PM

    Sweetness is a name the love of my life used to call me. and everyone says im crazy to call him or even think hes the love of my life cus im only 21 .. but sometimes u just know u know. im on this path to desrotion i think i always have been… im literally failing at life.. i dont know how to be honest with him.. i hid parts of me ( and not the depression he knows about that) but like simple things like how much i love dalls and how much i really love anima and some shows i watch.. and the fact i want to cosplay just because i think hell think im lame or silly or something for wanting to do those things. so i have cheated on him with 4 other guys just making out. i got invited to go to south africa to volunteer with orphans for 3 weeks this past may with a girl who i thought was my friend. however i soon realised like on the first day of our trip that she didn’t really like me or my personality so i guess in a way during the trip insted of just trying to enjoy my self i tryed to like beat her i guess by trying to make more friends then her on the trip.. and of course she made more because im suck and have like too nice of a personality. i honestly don’t know but as the trip went on i came to relise that it was a similar atmosphere to high school and i was just an awfull person in high school.well their was a lot of night out drinking but i didn’t really have a friends their to drink with, i stayed with the group and all the other girls and guys but i felt so isolated… i havent really had that many friends in my life not ones i can completely be honest with.. i feel so broken. so one of those nights we were out drinking and she got really drunk and was making out with some people guys and girls. and the next day she was like oh um let not talk about what happened last night what happens in Africa stays in Africa. Liar. just saying. so i lost my bank card on the trip so i was having my family send her and i money cus she hadn’t saved up enough more for her own trip. she owed me 900 dollars by the end of it. so on the last weekend everyone was going into cap town to go out drinking well when the group of people that weren’t staying in our hows showed up to our door i found out that she hadn’t told them i was going out with them.. and of course that upset me so much. well i had none of my own money so i went with them anyway. well during our night while i had my period after about my 13 drink or soo i felt sick so i went to the bathroom well while i was in the bathroom they all left.. so i was alone at a bar drunk in south africa. well after crying in a bar for an hour or so they came back and i saw the girl i had come with and was like “hey where’d u guys go u left me alone”. And she was like “oh we went to check out this other bar, we thought u left” and then walked off and left me again.. she was still in the bar but hey thats not a friends thats not even a caring person. so i was left alone again well of course the only guy that came out with us was like omg where were u we sam ( my so called friend) said u must have left. even tho i didnt have a key to the hostel… so he was like well do u wanna dance after talking to me for a bit and i thought why not well drunk as a skunk me cant dance all that well so i basically used him as a leaning post.. but then their was so much drama cus this other girl on our trio had a crush on him. and she got mad at him for dancing with me and he was like can i sleep in your guys hostle room and i was like sure im ganna be sick anyway so i dont give a f***. well this girls must have seen me dancing with him cus when we came home she told her boyfriend who told my boyfriend that i cheated on him ( cus she was staying in his hostel room) so she didnt even know i spent the night in the bathroom. so my boy friend kicked me out.. but her says he really loves me and he wants to try to get threw this cus three years is a long time to throw something away based on something he doesn’t even know is true. but he said that.. but we haven’t really talked about how were gonna try to get through this we only see each other like once every 2-3 weeks.. i mean sure we have small texting convos but i think hes hoping i’ll just get tired of waiting for him to admit he doesn’t want to do this… but i’m hoping always hoping hell move on and just leave the past in the past.. but he has such bad trust issues and i get it and i’m soo f***ing messed up i don’t know what to do. and i know i like being used as a dall and that’s why i’ve hung out with and made out with other guys since all this s*** got f***ed up in may but i just want to be held so badly but i cut myself after every time i’m held buy another guy because its not him but its nice at the moment and make me feel wanted… like a dalll…

  • Krystal

    August 21st, 2015 at 7:43 PM

    Too Paranoid to talk to anyone. ANYONE!

  • Marie

    August 21st, 2015 at 8:32 PM

    My entire life I’ve always been hiding my true emotions I never knew why tho. Like I would always fake or force myself to be happy around everyone and I can’t control it. Well inside I feel like my entire world Is falling apart. I don’t know why this is happening because I want to be happy like everyone thinks. I don’t wanna be a person who always has to fake a smile so everyone can think I’m fine.

  • Teresita

    August 24th, 2015 at 2:09 AM

    Thank you for your article, it reaaly help me. I have been feeling depressed for several months but kept myself busy, trying to be happy and positive. People always say how they se me as a kind sensitive, thoughtful and compassionate person. I am, but recently I feel like a fake, I feel sad, can’t get myself motivated to do anything, only the basic of everyday living. I tried to tell my hubby how I feel, but he just doesn’t understand, and tells me to keep myself busy. Inside I feel a heavy weight on my chest, I feel like I want to cry and cry and never stop. But I don’t.
    i=The funny thing is I have lots of hobbies that bring me in contac twith great positive people, but I avoid them most of the time as I don’t want them to know, I feel they wouldn’t understand. But your article made me stop and I called my General doctor. He was great, he listned to me and didn’t belittle how I was feeling, it made me cry when I heard the kindness and compassion in his voice. He suggested a short course of medication (not heavy stuff) just for 2-3 months and to call him again in a week to talk. Reading your article helped me do something. Thank you.
    Teresita

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 24th, 2015 at 10:12 AM

    That’s great to hear, Teresita! Hoping you find healing :)

    Best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bradley

    August 27th, 2015 at 2:09 PM

    I feel like I have been depressed my whole life and no one ever cared. I’m always angry, stressed and sad at the same time. I have convinced my self my girlfriend doesn’t love me even though I know deep inside she does, I feel this is because my family never really noticed me let alone cared for me. My childhood was far from good and at 15 years old I found my grandad dead wich finally broke me. 10 years later that day still haunts me I never talk to anyone about the things that caused me to feel this way I think this is because I feel no one would care. I know I’m not alone that there are people out there who feel the same way about themselves as I do but i still feel like I’m the only one. I pretend to be happy when with friends and family but it scares me that I have become so good at it, will I ever feel happy for real or will it always be fake . On the outside people think I’m happy fun and loving but inside I feel rotten, decayed and empty. I’m 25 years old and have thought about taking my own life many times but I now understand my depression is part if who I am, wether that’s a good thing I don’t know but I will fight my demons to the very end and I will survive no matter how hard it gets. Just remember your not alone, there are people who love you and what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, this is the first time I have wrote on a site like this but in doing so I feel a little happier and if your reading this and you feel the same please just write a little message Mayby it will make you feel happy too.

  • Anonymous

    September 2nd, 2015 at 5:10 AM

    ;
    …this to really hit me hard, I feel almost exactly like this, and it helps so much to know there’s someone else out there that REALLY gets it, because no one I know personally does. Keep on fighting, because life is a beautiful struggle…

  • moesha

    February 7th, 2017 at 8:23 AM

    yea me too wish i could explain to my family how i feel but dought it will work it how life is to me even am to sleep i have pretend that others love and appretaie me in the morning it over

  • Debbie

    August 30th, 2015 at 7:22 PM

    I have read the article and a few of the responses and relate to so much. I am double the age of a few of you and it took me over 25 years of suffering to do something about it. Work was getting worse, so many businesses have become more concerned about themselves and the “Corporation”, not the lower level staff. Stress to prove yourself just brought me back to my life at home from the age of 13-20. I’m dumb, was a mistake, I’m a girl (you have your roll) and just more verbal and sexual abuse. Trigger was, at 52 was I am only staff, replaceable, not important, etc. thought at that time it’s time to leave this world. But my doctor saved me and introduced me to a great counsellor, who cares, go figure. I thought I was useless, not important, stupid, etc. found out I am suffering from PTSD. But, I have been faking being happy for years. Almost my whole life. For me I feel life still sucks, but I am getting help and am off on disability. This helps, but now I think people are thinking I am faking the depression. But they don’t know my life. Only my husband and my doctors. I don’t know what to say, but do what you need to survive! I have children over 18 and 22, they are the only reason I am alive today. They were NOT mistakes! Still lonely, and can’t stay out in public for more than 3 hours before panicking and running home. But, I am hanging in and fighting every day! Take care everyone

  • Polly

    September 6th, 2015 at 9:09 AM

    I am 16 years old and one of four siblings. I grew up being the youngest girl in the family, where my father and mother always paid attention to me and always cared towards me. But that changed when my mother had another child and that was when all the attention shifted – and I understood that I did. But then my father came home from work everyday and stopped giving me hugs and kisses and my mother stopped talking to me like she used to I got upset. I cried about this and realized I was being overdramatic. Then years passed and still nothing. My older sister has been a parent to me my whole life and it has always sucked. My mother was always around but my sister always took charge. She became a person I couldn’t confide in, the one person you would think I could talk to I couldn’t. I have grown up with her yelling at me cursing at me and hating all my guts as she blames all her stress and anxiety on me. She just like the rest of my family remembers my actions as a young child and they only see that version of me. Do you know what it’s like to grow up and change and for everyone to see you as your 8 year old self who was a trouble maker? It’s terrible, in their eyes I’ll never be good enough for them as they’ll think I start too many fights and problems. On top of this I went through a phase where I lost all my friends and my circle of friends reduced to 7. And these 7 friends all became depressed and self harming. One even was considering suicide. Do you know what that’s like when all your friends are self harming and you try to stop them you even try getting an adults help but nothing helps. This is when my depression really started. Then I put on a smile and began doing drugs which I really hated. I lost more friends and I felt alone and dark and still feel that way. I have been pushing my feelings away for so long I no longer feel anything. All the problems I experience I push away and I swear I feel dead inside I feel absolutely nothing. Trust me I will not turn to suicide because I don’t feel anything. I need help.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    September 6th, 2015 at 3:09 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Polly. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Anonymous

    September 9th, 2015 at 9:04 PM

    I completely understand how you feel. I am the middle child of 4 siblings and I always feel left out. Not the oldest nor the youngest. I’m always going though so much pain yet no one cares. My mother, the one person who is suppose to love and care for me the most doesn’t even care anymore. She’s always talking to me about herself and when I complain about not feeling well or feeling sad, yeah she’ll talk to me about it, but it’s never sincere. The only person that has ever cared about my emotions and my feelings is my father. And he recently passed away. He was like my therapist he would always talk to me and help me and my mom doesn’t do that. She’s always picking on me about my weight and she never takes me seriously. I feel like everyone is against me and I feel like I’m different. I’ve been sad ever since 5th grade and I’ve been trying to improve myself emotionally. My dad used to help me so much. He was my best friend. I love my mom, but she’s always brushing me off. She never cares about the things that I’m passionate about. She never listens to me and all she wants me to do is get good grades in school so I can go to a good college and get her money. It’s terrible having to parent yourself and teach yourself how to feel better when that’s your parents’ job,

  • Ali

    September 12th, 2015 at 3:34 PM

    Hi
    I am an 18 years old boy who lives away from his family.

    Have been living alone for 7 months.
    I feel numb and emotionally delicate.
    I have tried to reach out to Uni folks but I never fit in amongst them as they think I am too much of a genius/need.

    I wish they knew me better, I wish they knew that I am broken from inside and the laughter on my face at the uni is just for the show …

    Don’t know if I am going to survive this
    I feel old as if I have lived 60 years on this earth and it’s time to go 😓😢

  • Roman

    September 13th, 2015 at 8:33 PM

    I know exactly what you are going through. I’ve been really low the last year and a half, I’ve also felt honestly nothing for or from people for years before even though I try to show it to them just to hold on relationships but mostly in my head it’s an agenda without its fruits more like an illusion of filling something empty. I’m honestly believing that I might have Bipolar. The symptoms and signs you said are just like what I’m experiencing, I’m 22 this month. I know that there are probably many nights where you feel extremely alone with no one out of the huge handful of people that’s on your phone that are willing to speak to you when you are in a really dark shade with nothing to light it when you know that you might do something really terrible to yourself that night or day. And even if there are people that are aware of how you feel, they’re either too scared or narcissistic not support you in a small way just to at least help you get by, at least by hearing what you have to say instead of them telling you the same broke record of advise like hospitalization, medication, therapists, ECTs, general terms to describe how you feel, people telling you why not do “bullshit” to feel better, and “you have such a decent life, why are you so depressing”. I really distrust people. I’m pretty sure I’m introvert (not entirely sure) but I try to be an extrovert like “normal minded” people in order to cope for a few moments until thoughts come racing telling you that “the people you know don’t really care, they just want to make sure that they feel good about saying it and so that they can use you, you are really nothing to them”, and this thought always keeps coming up even though I try to do normal things and try speaking normal to avoid sounding manic or depressive (but it really hurts to be an actor all the time). I have significant interests in life but they are absolutely no tokens that make me happy, and other things don’t remedy any better except doing the dangerous things that put you on the line between now and death that gives you two tangible contrasting views that make you smile sometimes.
    The best healthy things that I’m doing to cope now before possibly seeking help from a talk therapist (which i really need now) is:

    -daydreaming your ideas and making it uniquely practical or cool (it also helps you to tell people your ideas to see if they like it or don’t and see how you could make it better).

    -not looking people in the eye that you don’t have to talk to.

    -420 helps depending where I am on the poles.

    -snuggling up to really soft thick blankets (in the nude. I know its weird but more effective, i sincerely mean that).

    -cartoons like King of the Hill, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Spirited Away, Kikkis Deliver Service, My Neighbor Tortoro, Simpsons, Chowder, or Futurama (NOT Adventure Time or the newer stuff) can help on lonely feeling nights before bed to get a good night sleep to feel balanced the next day.

    -driving around new places during sunlight with music (I know in the state that you and I could be in music is shit pretty much, but there are songs that do get you and preach what you are going through that gives comfort, but it’s an effort to find. Try songs from 30 Seconds to Mars, Distillers, 3 Days Grace, Massive Attack, Avatar (the band :P) Bless The Fall. You might not like these bands but you might get references of other bands through looking around YouTube that might be better, I don’t know though.

    -literally sweating it out in a hot car with BBC world news or NPR on the radio.

    -eating sour-cream and white-cheddar Cod Chips (the actual brand or something of the kind).

    -eating sharp cheddar cheese with toasted and staled sour dough bread.

    -eating spicy foods.

    -taking St. Jobsworths or HTP time relive pills on anxiety days (I think they sell both at walgreens but try somewhere cheaper, even Walmart might sell it in store or online, Amazon, etc).

    -Hot Bathes with bubble bomb soaps (from Bath and Body works, or online that that sells a variety like herbal ones to sooth or one to heal the body that in return heals the mind like Green Tea extract soap bombs.

    -staying hydrated and drinking a few cups of coffee and slurping one shot of Vodka in the morning on depressive days (dont do this often though otherwise it wont have an effect anymore and isn’t great for you physically either),

    -sometimes aroma therapy but usually the citric fruits or pine cedar scents work better.

    -writing on yourself with pen or sharpie on your wrist or chest saying either “You Love, I Love, I Grasp Life, Death is My life’s Enemy (this one i drew on my arm or thigh), They Love You, Life= Learn Receive Share, You Will be Needed Soon, etc (write whatever makes you smile, even draw symbols or pictures that matter to you in life that will give you that rare microsecond shiver in your spine that feels like being happy.

    -Talking to strangers for a few moments on your way to something can help too as difficult as it is to just approach someone to talk to even though your not going to have an empathetic experience. You might find out a little something new during the conversation to think about in that day.

    I have absolutely no trust for psychiatrists, they seem more afraid of you than you being afraid of you, which worsens how you feel about your overall self. I bruise myself a lot on the thigh, and throw myself at walls or doors to deliberately hurt my arms or shoulders, I starve myself a lot until the point of my stomach twisting and jumping around for something to feed on, which I would normally feed it like a bite of something throughout the day to get by with the starvation coping mode that creates disillusion for me a lot of the time just to think how hungry i am instead of feeling how angry or scared i am. I’ve gotten the courage to start cutting on my other thigh too. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF BY ANY MEANS, PLEASE USE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT I LISTED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEALTH as contradicting & hypocritical of me to say so, but it’s me and will only really do hideous things like this when I am in a state of loathing who I am and how nobody is here to comfort the demon out of me that is now in control for the time being that I have to hurt out of me before it does me on my crisis days.

    But seriously! You are not alone in this, the issue is we are alone because this topic is taboo (which pisses me off since adolescent suicides or ODs are the second most killer for teens and young adults in the United States) and we feel as though no one will talk to us or just judge us until committing suicide, we are around each other mixed in with the “normals” so we don’t have an idea which of us are going through the same thing unless you are or have gone through it and can see the signs and symptoms in others like you that you have seen in yourself. I’ve destined my philosophy and principles about life that makes more sense, more sense to me on why things are the way they are as well as many scientific facts i try to learn about to incorporate into ideas about it to life through practicality and wonder, but these ideas have made me fear death even less :P which isn’t good in theory for people who need help, but it brings me some pessimistic optimism that seems almost so out of this world. The theology I’ve made for myself keeps me balanced whenever I think about ending it and makes me think about it for a long time which in return buys me time to rethink what I am about to do.

    Honestly most days (I know I should but I literally don’t) I don’t think about anyone with heart to care if they are going to miss me if I go, but what helps a little is if there is one person that you feel like you need to live for in meaning and symbolic form, even if they are already passed, you can spark something in in your core to get you through for a time being.

    Bottom-line, your gonna have internal battles to come, you might even get hurt in those battles, but remember that there is a nurturing part of you that wants you to be alive for the external battles to come where the person next to you or in front of you will need your help even if you wont feel anything from it, it gives a real sense of purpose and it’s as simple as opening a really tight jar of pickles for ma or grandma when they shout your name for help. Living hurts, I know, and I usually scream i want to die at the top of my lungs (literally I do, not usually with anyone around though, but other times it can turn fun when someone overhears and starts to get concerned and you have to make up a reason for what you said) just to get it out of me until that phrase becomes a broken record and those thoughts get depleted out of you until later.

    Remember though, you are NOT alone in your battles to come or have already:
    -When your eyes go black paint it white and blink,
    -When shadows creep up on you, blind them standing with the biggest smile that it even scares the Joker,
    -And always laugh at the demon that looks at you through the mirror for it is an animal incarcerated in your zoo that only exists to eat and shit while you are more than that.

    Find someone who has gone through the same thing as me, you, and others That someone can help you in a crisis moment (and you’ll maybe experience it one day or already have, but I really hope not, it’s terrible to go through). Knowing someone who understands you through their own experience of it is very comforting and they would have a sense of what to do, even just sit with you till you have upraise from the battle in your war. I don’t know when the war will be won for me, and others like us feel the same, a lot have been fighting for years and can’t see when it’s going to end, and very few have won their wars.

    Don’t give up, find strategies to avoid battles and to get through the war without much casualties. You’re young and vise versa, so we both have paths that we see and know what will happen in each that look very undesirable, but we need to choose one crappy path to find a smooth one which could be a long or short walk.

    Keep Fighting Young & Burnout old.

  • Alex

    September 14th, 2015 at 4:20 AM

    Hi…I am a 14 year old boy…and things have not been pretty when I was young until now. Mom and dad often fought and would always result with scar marks all over mom. It was just last year that my mom found out that she was depressed…and all this while my mom have been venting out her anger on me. Nothing I do is the way she wanted it to be. She would say that she wish I was never born, and that its a mistake that she gave birth to me. I was sad and despair. I often ask myself what is the use anyways, me living like this everyday going through one of mom’s episode and then locking myself up in my room. And that lead me wearing a fake smile everyday to school, not wanting my “friends” to know abt it and not wanting them to feel like I am bothering them. See I put these ” in friends because they r so ugghh. They uses me when they need me and they juz kick me to a side when they can’t find anything to use me for..since I am one of those really friendly guy like the type that would treat u like a old friend even when we juz met. They would leave me on my own like I am some sort of a bug pestering them, thoughts like “what the crap am i doing here living like this” or “guess its the time to give up” or “no one ever wants me around whats the meaning of me staying on this world”, they pops up time to time. I am a happy go lucky guy but i can just take this much before i snap and start doing dumb shit. Thought of cutting myself but I encourage myself that things will change. *sigh* I think I am a pisces that’s why I am so soft and BTW I am a guy juz so u know. When I hope my story don’t ruin your day. I just Want help…

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 14th, 2015 at 8:07 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Alex. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about emotional abuse at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-emotional-abuse.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • nicole

    September 17th, 2015 at 1:14 PM

    Hi im a 15 year old girl Im mostly by myself I never had a real friend before..and those who called them my friends always found a way to hurt me and became my bigest fear Im always depending on myself not to show how I feel inside but its starting to get to me..now lately I cant control my emotions one minute im happy then all I want to do is be alone and cry..now in primary school is was always bullied and was being called names and everything so what a wonderful child life I’ve lived but im still stuck in this emotional riverboat and im afraid that im going to sink and just have a break down some of these days ???

  • Bunbun

    September 18th, 2015 at 1:32 AM

    Well after a long decision i have decided to tell my family about my depression and probably anxiety. The school councillor is deciding a good day to meet them. The feeling of having depression really sucks. how everyday its just sadness as ur friend. always accompaning me. Being there. All i want is for someone to understand how it feels

  • Sophia

    September 27th, 2015 at 7:33 AM

    I’ve been pretending I am happy with everything for the last 3 years, all I can do is cry myself out in the bathroom, or when no one is around. I tried to tell my parents once but they yelled at me and told me that I am crazy, which mad everything worse, and it’s getting worse everyday and I have no one to tell them how I am feeling. I don’t know what to do, and when ever I try to get help no one believes anything I tell them. I really want some help, can anyone help?

  • Say

    September 27th, 2015 at 8:01 PM

    Hello Sophia, I’m sorry to hear about your depression, and I’m even more sorry to hear that it doesn’t seem like you have a good support system. I’m sure that your family and friends love you, but sometimes they can be the hardest individuals to talk to and the most difficult to understand. I want you to know that you are not alone. I was diagnosed with chronic depression years ago, and I’ve learned that everyday is what I make it. I wake up everyday with a smile on my face. That allows me to take stuff one day at a time by appreciating the simplest things (opening up my eyes and moving my legs, because i love to dance). Outside of those small things, i think you should talk to a professional counselor, social worker, or psychologist. Also, there’s a 1-800-suicide hotine for individuals who feel like they need to talk right away. It’s free! Don’t try to be perfect by attempting to figure it out on your own. Talk to someone Sophia.

  • lexiaflash

    September 27th, 2015 at 6:13 PM

    I was dating a psychiatrist when I became depressed. I did the hiding until I was alone. She didn’t understand it and took it to mean that I was a different type of communicator and our relationship would never work out. She broke it off with me unexpectedly after 8 months. I wasn’t the one who took my depression out on others. I’m not an angry person. We never even had one argument, really. I can’t tell you the pain. I sort of opened up about it to her, but I was soon rejected as a whole. So, even the trained professionals may misunderstand someone that is depressed.

  • Prettygirl01

    October 1st, 2015 at 6:42 PM

    I was physically abused since I was just a few years old. It’s over now but I still feel this excruciating pain that feels worse then the abuse. I hide my pain by being always chiper. I’m usually crying in my room. I can’t tell my parents cause then they’ll just be worried about me non stop and I’m afraid if people at school found out I’ll be rejected. What should I do?

  • vanessa

    October 2nd, 2015 at 12:20 AM

    Prettygirl01 finding someone who can listen to you, in a non-judgemental way can be helpful. Try finding a therapist, some places offer therapy free of charge. There’s also help lines you can call. A few other things you can try is spirituality, in which you confine in a higher being, and let your higher self take you to a place of healing, I’m not talking about getting high, but rather finding peace through yoga, meditation, or any religious belief you may be part of. You can also write a diary, express your emotions, and then rip out the pages. So, that they’re not torturing you but you are able to express them in a healthy manner. If you feel you cannot trust your parents, perhaps find a different person, a relative, best friend, adult, or try those help phone lines, they maybe more help then you think. Look for something that gives your life meaning and peace. I sincerely hope you find it.

  • Deb

    October 6th, 2015 at 4:42 AM

    Hi I am just wondering what I should do . I no longer laugh at many funny things. Nor do I cry when everyone around me is in tears. I have suffered post traumatic stress plus I don’t have a best friend nor have I been in a loving relationship for 17 years. I have a wonderful job beautiful grandchildren. Just that I feel sad and anxious most of the time. How do I turn this around. Thanks again for listening. Deb

  • Gurkeerat

    October 9th, 2015 at 7:16 AM

    hey am 20 year male
    am i guess i am going through same case
    when every 1 is sleeping i cry or when i am alone n in front of every one 1 am always a similng face n they think i am rlly happy with my life
    n have a addiction i write n express my feelings with this

  • Indygrl1346

    October 12th, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    Hi, I am a 35 year old female who would consider myself a very happy person. Someone who loves life, doing things for other people, etc. About 3 months ago, this all changed. I woke up one day and just felt sad/numb. The things I used to enjoy now just seem routine. When I look at myself in the mirror and smile, my mind says it’s fake. This is also the feeling, along with guilt, I get when I catch myself laughing or having fun. I have not had an easy life, Lost both parents at a young age, suffered physical and emotional abuse along with other things. I now wonder if I have been sad most of my life and the feelings of happiness I felt were actually a front l used to hide the pain. This is new territory to me and I just wanted to know I’m not alone and that I can be truly happy without the guilt.

  • Elizabeth

    October 12th, 2015 at 7:56 PM

    I’m Elizabeth, I’m 15 years old almost 16 and I have some trouble with anxiety and depression. I’ve talked to a therapist but I had to stop because my parents were embarrassed that I need help, Well lately a few people have been kind of hurting me but not like putting me down but by lying to me and making me feel stupid, annoying and many other things. I use to cut but I’m just about 7 months clean and I want to keep it that way. I made a promise to my mum before she left over seas that I would stop but at the same time she threatened to put me in a mental hospital because I can’t fully control what I feel. I had a few problems 5 years ago but after that incident that officially scared me and made me want to honestly die, well after that, I came home and my dad started to be an alcoholic, his side of the family says things that hurt me and can put me down in the matter of seconds but I smile and agree with what they say. Well my mum just left to Afghanistan a couple of days ago and I’m already struggling with out her here. My mum is one good reason on why I’m a live…I’m trying to figure out if I need to see a therapist or not while she’s gone. Im living with my aunt and she can help me with finding a therapist

  • JEG

    October 13th, 2015 at 8:05 PM

    Im Eunice 13 years old. I may be too young but I gone througg many trials in life (family problems) . I am always happy, cheerful and sweet in school but i feel sad and i almost want to cry a river when im alone. But i can’t cry and i don’t know why. My passion and interest in studying is gone. I just feel my heart is aching ang then i’m starting to palpitate

  • Maddie

    November 9th, 2015 at 5:44 PM

    I am just like you I played softball all the time and now I’m not interested
    And I fight with my parents a lot I feel like they just don’t care and I can’t tell them because they would just say you don’t need help your just over reacting and I just need someone sometimes. Even myself I’m wondering if I tricking myself into thinking i have depression. I feel so alone and I want to talk to a therapist but I’m scared that people won’t understand and judge me even my own parents . At school I seem so happy I almost trick my self in to thinking I’m happy. At school I’m a girl that people laugh with and people think I have so much confidence and really Im just a girl that puts on a face and under that mask is a lonely depressed girl that’s screaming for help but can find a way to get help

  • lyn

    October 26th, 2015 at 9:46 PM

    hi,i dont like what im doing anymore i came from a failed relationship and now i have a boyfriend who is married and i happened to love him more than my past partner. Everytime we fight/argue i cant help hurting myself because i cannot tolerate the pain inside..i dont want to feel this way i mean i dont want to love him more than myself…pls help me

  • Middle aged man sadness

    November 8th, 2015 at 1:02 PM

    Hi, I’m a male in my early 50s, separated from my wife. In work I just hang my head all day in sadness and shame. I have become so emotionally weak with zero self esteem or confidence that I can’t argue points anymore convinced that the other person is much smarter. I now shy away from gatherings afraid to face everyone smarter than me. Have lost interest in many things I used to love. Speaking of love, I feel so darned cold and alone in life, I cry when I see a pretty lady knowing I can’t possibly have her. I think about her and end up crying all night. I know I’ll never get the gift of sex again but just the mear touch, a woman to wipe my tears away would mean the world. Funny….seems women get sex handed to them on a platter, us guys especially older ones are left to fend for ourselfs.
    I have thought about stepping in front of a speeding train with a note just to throw me in a hole in the ground, I’m even more worthless dead than alive. I am truly among the forgotten. A wild night of sex would be a welcome bandaid but not the cure for my depression.

  • Alisha

    November 9th, 2015 at 4:14 AM

    I just read your post, I’m sorry you are hurting so much, I understand. It’s crazy how I have found myself in a room filled with people to be so alone. I’m not sure about you, but I am a Christian and I am aware that the enemy works this way, almost sending lies to your mind to isolate you from any joy, love or relationships. I am a married woman with grown children. My marriage hasn’t been perfect, as that does have an impact on my sadness but I am not giving up on it. Although this is where I start to feel the weight of guilt due to my painful lymes, it has cause a lack of ability to want anyone to touch me most times and then- boom, I am filled with guilt. As I said earlier, I am a Christian, so I choose to just go through and my continued focus on scripture. I am thankful for the support of God as I hurt and mentally attack myself. It’s definantly very difficult. I will keep you in my prayers.

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 9th, 2015 at 1:59 PM

    Thank you Alisha, I too feel a lot of guilt and don’t really know why. Like you, in a room full of happy normal people a shadow of saddness and darkness falls over me like when it’s about to rain and thunder which I do like. Even on a sunny day it’s raining and storming in my mind. You can’t tell your counselor you plan suicide as they are required to tell the police so we remain silent with no one to turn to. I really feel like the mear shell of the man I used to be. If only I had someone to hug and cry with in a very personal way. My god, just to hold someone and let out all these pent up emotions and cry like a baby with another trusted mature adult that understands. A part of me is so frightened of that cold night I’m standing on the railroad tracks waiting to die. Being a middle aged guy I would be just another statistic.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 9th, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Hello,

    We saw your comment and wanted to offer you some information on crisis resources. If you feel you might be in crisis, please visit your local hospital or call 9-1-1 immediately. You can find some information about crisis resources, such as helplines, here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    If you would like to speak to a therapist or mental health professional, you can search for one using our site by entering your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that help is available. We wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Alisha

    November 9th, 2015 at 5:30 PM

    Thank you very much for looking out. No worries , I will be fine, it’s nice to have a place to vent a bit but I have no intentions of hurting myself at all. I love my family to much to ever put that on them . I appreciate the site here, I think it’s a good outlet for myself and others who may need to express their feelings. Healing can come from those who understand. We all need hope, so at least we can be the hope for others.

  • Alisha

    November 9th, 2015 at 5:40 PM

    I do understand what you may be going through , I really hope you can just keep reaching out on this place. I also hope you are seeking council. Remember, your life DOES matter even if we feel alone and lost, it’s not really true. We just need to force ourselves to step out of our comfort zone (even if that place is a black hole). I’ve been trying really hard to look for new things to do in my day to give myself small opportunities to succeed and feel some new growth. Not trying to tell you what you should do, just maybe a new way to change direction for yourself. I am not a councilor but I do have great care for others. Please keep sharing and opening up, you and I and so many others will benefit from listening.

  • Alisha

    November 8th, 2015 at 4:50 PM

    Lately I’ve been so removed feeling in my life. I find myself talking to myself in a way to put myself down. I have a feeling of being completely alone, no friendships, only myself knows. I feel as though I’m a complete useless waste of space. I’ve been dealing with health issues that have stolen my normal abilities to work or function on a routine basis. That probably has much to do with how I feel. Sometimes I want to just disappear and I keep hearing the sound of my voice telling me everyone would be better off without me here. I hate that! I want to be here, but I feel like this sadness is pulling me under. I can’t talk to my family because it would cause a burden that I will not put on them. I don’t know what else to do anymore. I feel trapped in my darkness. I am trying so hard to find ways to help myself, not feeling hopeful.

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 10th, 2015 at 1:19 PM

    Hi Alisha, Today (Tuesday) was especially a dark one where I found myself hidden away in a dark empty office at work crying. One coworker worries me as he can read me and sees the depression and saddness In my eyes that I try to hide, he can spot when I’ve been crying. TV always has to remind me the holidays are coming in order to sell their wares, just the thought of another Christmas home alone balling my eyes out is just torture for me. I live all alone in the world, why bother as I have nothing to celebrate anyway. Thank god I never took to the bottle at all. I don’t watch much tv as it shows pretty females and couples in love, something I am denied. There is no question this forum will be last anyone hears from me, no loss when I’m gone. Sometimes I used to go to the grocery or department store just to avoid being alone and see pretty ladies. At the checkout just to gaze into their eyes and touch their hand for my change means the world. One time, I simply told a lady cashier “I’m sorry but you’re adorable” (I figured that was against some law these days) I went home and cried out for her all night alone in bed.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 10th, 2015 at 4:56 PM

    Hello,

    We at GoodTherapy.org saw your comment, and we would like to encourage you to reach out and talk to a therapist or counselor. If you feel that your thoughts may manifest as actions, please contact your local law enforcement agency (911) or visit an emergency room. You can find some crisis resources on this page:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    You can search for a therapist or counselor by specialty here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Please know that help is available. We wish you the best in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 14th, 2015 at 9:13 AM

    Everyday even when around normal coworkers in my mind I have egg on my face and I’m crying. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve as I have no right to bring everyone down. Thank god for this forum as we have nowhere else to turn especially a room full of others crying in depression like me. Most forums end up being a joke with 12 year olds posting stupidity and immature comments. I would hope that someday I would have a reason to smile again instead of spending my free time hidden away balling with a broken heart. I listen to XM classical music (uninterrupted) to distance myself from the outside world, I’m no longer interested in the news. Classical, ballet and opera are true mature adult reflections often of ones love for another. I know I’m expecting a lot asking for someone to find it in their heart to love me and I’m even starting to give up that dream. I am really trying NOT to think about my last cold empty night kneeling on the tracks a completely broken spirit crying my eyes out waiting to die, this is not pleasant but remember your in a depression forum for adults and I tell it like it is. I do thank god (I have several nice sets of Rosary Beads I pray with) for giving me the strength to cope with another day in the face of complete emotional breakdown. I love you all especially Alisha for at least taking the time to read the sad story of a middle aged man.

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 15th, 2015 at 7:26 AM

    Just got in from shopping, was nice to see pretty ladies at least from afar. I never get close or look into their eyes anymore as I don’t feel as though I have that right, nor do I want to dirty or stain them by being so close, I just bow my head and cry inside and sometimes start tearing up on the outside having trouble hiding the tears. Same thing on the way to my restaurant table (party of one of course) I have no right to look at anyone. When ordering where I have to look into a waitresses eyes I sometimes start to openly cry, I try to hold back the tears as society says it’s silly for a 52 year old man to cry. I listened to the Summer of ’42 theme yesterday and on came the waterworks thinking about this world after I’m gone. I’m not looking for sympathy as I don’t deserve it, just some understanding from other mature adults suffering from a broken heart and depression. I have NO criminal record or any history of any kind of addiction (thank god) I work a full time job. I know God never intended for life to be this way. I do see the sick kids in hospital fundraising ads and they devastate me, I’ll admit they got me, when it comes to innocent kids with cancer or disease I look to God and ask why. I have plenty of money from my parents estate but that is not the cure for depression either.

  • Dee

    November 15th, 2015 at 1:37 PM

    Hit rock bottom about two weeks ago. Have had a few family losses over the past couple of years. My mother and my younger brother who was also my best friend. Have recently started a new life in Canada and things are going really well. I’ve an amazing husband who puts up with all my crap but lately I’ve been so horrible to him pushing him away accusing him of cheating when I know he’s not and basically being a horrible person. I don’t know what to do anymore or why I feel this way.

  • Ellie

    November 17th, 2015 at 10:38 PM

    I am seeing someone but i don’t feel like there’s progress. I recently lost my mom and grandma and my dad re married. And now I went from having one older sibling to having four siblings who are all I greatful and don’t know how to work. I love my step mom she’s great but it’s all soo soon. I miss my mom an the good old days when life was simple. I also moved a different state I used to live in Idaho and I miss that place too. I feel useless inside and I hide my personality. I’m scared to tell anyone anything I think or know. In class if I know the answer I don’t tell, I hate social confrontation I wish I could be alone. I hate stating my opinion especially if it is laughed at. Or made fun of. I don’t know what to do. My bigger fear is my big brother leaving me which he is he’s moving out. I am also adopted and I want to find out more but. Just going to ignore it. Till I’m 18. Another big fear is if I have add. And my friend once thought I had it and my 6 grade teacher thought I had it. I’m just a confused mess who wants to be alone in a peaceful state

  • Ann

    November 19th, 2015 at 1:29 AM

    I lost my infant daughter one or two months ago. I have lost track of time. I find that I spend most of my days spacing out. I don’t think of anything and if I do it is mostly about my daughter and things i have to do that regards her. I wasn’t sure I was depressed because there are times things do generally make me smile for a short time. I wasn’t sure that’s those with depression actually do smile. Now I know. I also found out that I do some of the things that your article said. I smile and lie to people that I’m fine. I’m always scared that someone might see through me. There are times that I just cry when I’m alone. I can’t genuinely cry in front of other people easily unless a huge wave of emotions overwhelms me. I usually try to keep that in check. I’m not strong. Now my boyfriend/the father of our child is at a low point. I can’t handle it. I get angry at his depressing moods. I know I should not be. He has every right to be sad too, but I can’t handle it. I feel like I have to watch him with what little energy I can spare. Now as I am writing this my emotions are trying to come back. That is why I usually secluded myself. I tell myself I should have expected the passing of our daughter because she was born with a heart defect but I still think how unfair it is. My boyfriend asks me how I can deal with it because I am not openly crying and playing music that makes things more depressing like how he is. I understand that it is way of coping but I don’t have the energy to support him. I am not dealing with it. I am living with it. Reading other people’s stories and the article makes me feel less alone. Writing this to people I don’t know without feeling like I have to avoid, feels better. I don’t like telling people that I know how I feel because then they put too much attention on me. I like minimum people. I hate crowds. Thank you for actually reading all of that. If you did.

  • Diane

    November 19th, 2015 at 7:29 PM

    This is quite a long post and I thank you in advance for those who read this.

    These days I found myself unable to think straight and logically. It is like my brain has somewhat stopped working and is on an auto pilot mode. I am studying a course which requieres me to use my reasoning skill effectively but i find that it is getting worse. I could not concentrate for long, my mind is always spaced out and I am pretty much most of the days sad. I hide my sadness and pretend I am okay even when I am not. I can even laugh and make a joke but i could feel the sadness always lingering around. I do not want to be a burden to my family and friends. I do not want to be the person who spreads negative energy and brings the mood down.

    I am from a good family and the oldest of my siblings. I got good grade at school, sociable and involved myself in clubs and societies. My parents were proud of me and I tried to be a good example to my younger siblings. Things started to get pretty bad in college because I could not handle the stress and I did not do so well in exams and that added to more stress. I supposed this was the start/ trigger to the mental illness. But I managed to do pretty well in the end to pass the minimum score needed to do a degree in medicine abroad with a loan from the govt. I am in my final year now and I can say that I really am at my limit. You could say I am not being grateful because I am blessed with a good family and friends, while being able to get a good education. I wonder why myself how I got to this point. Why i am like this.

    I have been hiding my depression for a long time and last year I decided to be more open about it. I seek help; see a counsellor and take medications. I thought I was getting better because I mean, that is how it is supposed to be right? I guess I’ve subconsciously been trying to convince myself that I am, although the fatigue and feeling of sadness was always there. I could feel a heavy burden on top of my chest but I tried to be happy. I really did try. Even with the counsellor, I said that I am getting better, continuously smiling all the way during the session. One because I believe that if I keep saying that, I would eventually get better and I also did not want to disappoint her for making very little to no progress at all. One big thing is that I no longer real plan to commit suicide. Previously I might have done it for real. I seek help because I almost jumped out the window of a 10 storey building. I did not want to die but I can’t seel to find a way out from my life. Now I am beginning to see life with a broader perspective and it is not always black and white.

    Yet, I am struggling still with the everyday activities. It is very hard. I have to empty my mind and ignore the sadness to actually go out of the bed and go to class. I am really tired; of being tired, of being sad, of being how I am, of disappointing myself for not being able to get better and appreciate myself more. I don’t know why I am like this. I feel really alone, and it does not feel great at all.

    I wish I could get better. But I don’t really know if I will be able to.

    Reading the posts here made me sad because it seems that there are many people who is dealing with depression.
    It is indeed a terrible illness to get, because it is invisible to the eyes. My prayers are with everyone suffering from this and I really do hope we will eventually be happier and get better.

  • Middle age man saddness

    November 20th, 2015 at 7:20 AM

    Dear Diane, everyday is a struggle for me too, so dark, cold and lonely and I always feel inadequate so I never face anyone anymore. I don’t mention it at work as I don’t want to be the topic of conversation , I just want to hide away and suffer alone. People that are not depressed think you can just snap out of it, not so. This Thanksgiving I will be alone as usual, maybe that’s how God meant it to be. My choice would be to find the train tracks instead of a 10 story building. Maybe someday we’ll meet in heaven Diane, love Jack.

  • Stephen

    November 20th, 2015 at 8:42 PM

    I really want to reach out to anyone who is experiencing depression in any way.

    I am 36, married, beautiful twin boys. Currently on month 8 since I was hospitalized and on disability. Still in a major depression.

    Depression is a dark shadow that casts itself over every single breath you take.

    How can someone feel dread when coming home to see their family everyday?

    How can someone want to live under a rock and die when there is a faint memory that life has a purpose?

    How can playing with your children feel so painful?

    How did a peaceful person become so angry?

    Why does everyone look for external factors to have caused my depression when in my heart I know it’s no one’s fault. My brain is sick.

    Why why why does it take 2 months between my doctor visits????

    Why does it feel like no one is taking me seriously?

    Did I always want to die?

    Are people laughing at me and avoiding me or is that the depression talking?

    My natural state is to simply cry or hide somewhere. Instead I use all my energy to keep busy and not be sitting with my thoughts.

    I feel nothing. I have nothing. I am nothing.

    This can’t be how life is meant to be lived. I can’t go on holding all this in. I’m so glad I can post this. Everyone just wants to talk about things to do to cheer yourself up but listen everyone!!!, when you feel no pleasure there isn’t a single thing you can do to cheer yourself up.

    I can’t stand the stigma. I can’t stand the isolation. If I had cancer would people come visit me? Maybe not. Maybe no one cares either way.

    The day someone finds a cure for depression is the day society will make a huge leap forward.

    I am smart. I am caring. I am attractive and likeable. I am successful. I am OK. This is all just a dream.

  • Dgrace

    November 21st, 2015 at 8:45 AM

    Most of the time I overthink at night and start feeling unlucky in life and then start crying. Is that a sign of depression? Even though im happy at day?

  • Middle age man sadness

    November 25th, 2015 at 6:20 PM

    I know I still have a heart and I try not to wear it on my sleeve. In the news here the other day a group of people were holding a vigil for a murdered 11 month baby boy on what would have been his first birthday, a group of people outside on a cold night holding candles singing happy birthday to him, I’m sorry I’m only human and I just lost it right in work, that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I ask God to comfort that little sole who never even had a chance at life and to give him a second chance. Only a heartless monster could not be touched by that. Makes me realize how bad things can be, they are not sure who did it. I will spend my Thanksgiving alone, forgotten and crying as many of us hideaways do, ashamed to tell anyone. If you’re lucky enough to be with loved ones you hug and hold them tight as they are truly a gift.

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 28th, 2015 at 8:18 PM

    So often I see depression and suicide associated with mental illness, not so. Because I am unloved and my heart is broken causing depression I am mentally ill? Same with depression caused by the loss of a loved one or a job? If I’m contemplating suicide some mind altering drugs will fix it? Or maybe lock me in a restrictive straight jacket, that’s society’s answer. The professionals don’t know how to deal with it so they label it/package it mental illness for their own satisfaction and to show their control and understanding of it, when in fact a non depressed person can never know as the feelings can’t be realized by another through discussion with a depressed person. You can describe intimacy but the feeling can’t be realized in descriptive words. I am a three time loser and all alone in the world but want to be left alone to suffer. I think the only cure for depression if there is one is love, heals the heart, love the depressed, love their work-don’t fire them, and there doesn’t seem to be much love around lately at least not for me. I have no right to ask for anyone’s love (like I would actually get it, it’s a nice dream) Remember, you may not like my feelings but they are my feelings. Thank god for this forum as no real person in the world cares about me. I see the TV ads as I’m typing this, all I want for Christmas is to be loved, no door busters for that. I don’t do Black Friday, every day is black in my mind. Sorry starting to cry, gotta go.

  • kou

    November 29th, 2015 at 1:53 AM

    I feel a tad bit better reading everyone’s comments. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only person who feels this way. I may not have realize it(I have suspicions) but I think I’ve been experiencing depression these past few years. I am not exactly sure if this is considered anything serious but I started feeling isolated and useless ever since I was eight. I’ve developed this social anxiety, trust issues and inferiority complex because of my family or mainly because of how my Mother treated me before and until today. I get extremely sad and hurt whenever she tries to compare me to someone and would spoil my brother’s son like he is her own son more than me and when I openly show my distaste by scowling or clicking my tongue, she would immediately shut me down and tell me I’m too childish. Both her and my dad would tell me to quit drawing(I love arts and it is my dream to become an animator) and they don’t support it and wanted me to take something else but they would support my nephew and they seem to care about him more than they care about me. I always get blamed for something I haven’t done and they would immediately point their fingers at me like I’m the culprit even if I wasn’t. I feel as though I’m more of a helper than a blood relative and they only see me that way. When I ask for help they ignore me and would only need me if they want something from me. I feel really frustrated because they are happy together and I am treated like I’m invincible. After feeling down and lonely, I started isolating myself for real and embraced the loneliness as if it were my friend. I couldn’t stop tearing up everytime they made me feel useless and unwanted though I tend to do it away from them and would just pretend to be happy and smiley smiley just to avoid getting told that it’s nothing serious and I should get over it. My fear with men and people in general started there and as well as after experiencing getting molested by my uncle(who is now dead) and publicly shown disrespect by men while touching themselves in my presence and insecurities about my face and body too because of this girl and her group went to me and told me “Is this the girl? Huh? She looks average why her?”. I tried confiding with my family and friends because of my difficulty to interact and extreme shyness but they laugh it off and told me to not think about it and it’ll go away so I no longer share my feelings around them (because it is too hard to communicate without feeling restless and scared) and chose to be alone most of the time. What made me feel worse is when she(mother) started giving me the cold shoulder last week and until now she does not talk to me and it is hurting me so much I don’t know what to do. I tried to talk to her since my Dad noticed it too but she still is treating me coldly. I want to confide to someone else but I’m too scared of being told that I should get over it and it’s nothing serious again. Is this depression? I am feeling extremely down that I sometimes think that ending my life would be the solution… but since I’m a coward(and thankful that I am), I couldn’t resort to suicide though I tried hurting myself by cutting my wrists and punching anything hard just to let the emotional pain go… I don’t know what to do… Is this normal?? I’m sorry my english is bad.. but I jsut want to vent this out because it’s too painful and it ache in my chest… I have more to say but I am bad at words I don’t know how to explain further. TTTT ;;;; Please do not judge me.. thank you!!!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 29th, 2015 at 9:10 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Kou. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • The Faceless Me

    November 29th, 2015 at 7:00 PM

    I read this and through that this is me to the T. While at work or with people I am generally the person with the best mood. Especially at work. My customers love me because they have never seen me in a bad mood, I’m always so cheerful and talkative. Its scary how good I’ve gotten at wearing this mask.

  • Middle aged man saddness

    November 30th, 2015 at 5:41 PM

    Faceless me, you are lucky to be able to hide your dark depression when facing others, my self esteem and confidence is so low I see everyone as a success story much smarter, more attractive (I am average weight for my height) much brighter than I will ever be. I just as soon tell people “don’t bother with me, I’m not worth loving” I know that the depressed can’t just be talked out of it. My only mask is that of egg on my face burning as it runs down and washes away any chance of a happy smile. I can’t explain other than its my lonely broken heart as the main cause. A man is nobody without a good woman behind him to love and support his hopes and dreams. In my last post I talked about being labeled with mental illness and left out gay men (seems lesbians are not picked on like gay men) I am straight. Anyway gays were once labeled as mentally ill and could be brainwashed out of being gay by mental health professional ( so absurd) when in fact even back then they didn’t know what to do so they label gays as mentally ill. Men are supposed to be strong so many will never post here for fear of being labeled weak, like myself will one day just disappear in a suicide. Another statistic soon to be forgotten as the state struggles to find any kind of debt my estate can pay them before its dispersed. I have no one to will it to anyway so they can have it all, it’s a good thing iPad screens withstand tears…………………..

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 30th, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Middle aged man saddness. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Kay

    November 30th, 2015 at 8:09 PM

    This really sounds like me. I’m only 18 but I think I’ve been struggling with depression for quite awhile, but I didn’t know it. At school I act as if I’m happy, I laugh with friends, any usual thing that an 18 year old might do. When I get home, I go straight to my room and I will cry for hours. I won’t let my parents or brothers see me crying because I just don’t want them to know that I cry and I don’t want them to question me. Also, I find myself getting angry and the people I love the most, and for the stupidest things. I don’t really mean to do it, it just happens. I honestly do not know what to do with myself because I’m not willing to open up to anyone…

  • Middle age man saddness

    December 5th, 2015 at 9:29 AM

    Dear kay, with a group of regular friends you at least have the option of confiding in them, ( I have nobody) I know your afraid of them walking out on you because they don’t know what to do. I think that when everyone is walking out a “friend” is walking in. Feel lucky to have them, like you I come home everyday and spend the rest of my night balling my eyes out alone in my bed, I think all the tears have changed my complexion. Those who “think” they understand will simply say what troubles could a young beautiful 18 year old have? So I don’t blame you for being a hideaway like me, just imagine being an ugly 53 year old male like me. Hiding away helps avoid your depression from being discussed at the dinner table, they use the excuse “let’s get this out into the open” which is fine for household repairs but certainly not for such personal matters to do with feelings and emotions so we both have to hide our tears. Kay, if you only knew the cause you would have a goal to aim for seeking happiness. I don’t expect this post to be anymore than food for thought from a loving stranger. At my time life is almost over but you have a lot of time left to seek happiness in your heart. I wish you the best of luck honey. Love Jack

  • Faye

    December 14th, 2015 at 5:31 AM

    Hey Kay, i feel the same way. Actually i’m a class clown eveyone laughs at my joke. The’re wasn’t a day i made someone laugh. My friends makes me happy too. I’m grateful i have them but sometimes i wish i had their life because they look so happy like really happy. Their family is complete and they had the good looks so everyone loves or has a crush on them. They already had girlfriends and boyfriends, they already have someone to you know make them happy or cheer them up when they’re feeling lonely. I’m not saying i need a boyfriend or what. I like doing stuff alone like walking home by myself, going to malls alone, stuffs like that. But i don’t love being alone. I know the more i hide this depression the more it grows but who do i share it with ? I don’t want to look dramtic infront of my friends and i don’t want my mom or sisters to see me sad and crying. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost. I just want to findy way out of this depression. I want to be free.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 14th, 2015 at 9:35 AM

    Hi Faye,

    Thank you for expressing your thoughts here. Just in case you haven’t tried speaking with a professional about this, we wanted to reach out with some resources that may be helpful. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Middle age man saddness

    December 14th, 2015 at 7:35 PM

    Feel lucky to have family and friends, I have nobody in the world, last year I spent Christmas sitting alone on a bench at the very cold deserted beach, I think my tears froze to my face. A cop struggled to find any law I was violating to take me in, he had to leave me there as he had nothing. I contemplated suicide that night but held off, hopefully I hold off this year too although I don’t have any reason to live, middle age men are disposable, here only to serve and pay taxes and even alone on a bench in the dark of night are a suspect to cops who don’t want to work Christmas Eve. I guess I’m afraid to have to answer to God in heaven as to why I ended his gift to me. Damn it was cold that night and the wind was howling on the beach. This is why I don’t look forward to Christmas, hummmm, maybe I’ll go to midnight mass.

  • Ryan

    December 19th, 2015 at 11:21 AM

    I have anxiety and depression. I’ve mastered the ability to be happy and outgoing to others around me. There is not one person in my life that knows the severity of my anxiety and depression because I hide it so well. As a child growing up I used to be so happy, then in middle school and high school I was bullied. My “friends” at the time only hung out with me because they honestly felt bad. When college came around I got really depressed/suicidal that I was urged to see a therapist. When I attempt to tell someone about my depression I’m told I’m “over dramatic” and need to “stuck it up”. My parents felt it was best for me to move back home and go to a local college. At first it was great, but depression set in again. No one spoke to me and most times I found myself going home to be alone in my bedroom. I was forced to live on campus because my mom said she needed a break from me living at the house. So for two years I lived on campus afraid to talk to others and watched from the sidelines as my peers had great times together. Graduation comes and my adviser forgets to invite me to the private ceremony for my college. My dad didn’t attend my graduation because he said, “He didn’t feel the need to go.” The best four years of your life right? My depression got 10x worse at graduation. Being compared to your successful siblings and classmates takes a toll on you. At graduation, my fellow classmates are with their friends taking photos and being happy. While I was just alone, because I hadn’t met a single friend. I know people can’t make you happy but at least the love they give you can help, but I don’t even have that. I am genuinely terrified to meet and get close to new people because I’ve never felt accepted. When I do work up the courage to go out I feel so alone, I end up leaving in tears. I whole heartedly believe that my presence on earth isn’t wanted or needed. I’ve thought of many ways to end my life but I don’t have courage to do so. But what is the point of living a life when each day your dying a little bit more on the inside?

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    December 19th, 2015 at 8:02 PM

    Dear Ryan,

    Thank you for your comment, Ryan. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Middle age man sadness

    December 20th, 2015 at 8:46 AM

    Dear Ryan,

    Join the club. because my self esteem is so low (others are so much smarter and more attractive than me) I never dare face anyone new, when I see pretty women or couples in love I quietly leave in tears, by the time I’m home I’m balling my eyes out. Deep inside My broken cold heart is crying out for love but nobody can or wants to hear me. It gets so bad that I feel like saying “don’t bother loving me, I’m not worth loving” so hard to get my hopes up for love as I know I will end up being rejected and I start thinking about suicide. I no longer have a purpose in life anymore other than to serve and pay taxes. I don’t want to die alone, when I do it I want someone to go with me to hold my hands, hug and cry with me as we end this misery. don’t care if it’s male or female (would anyone)…

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    December 20th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Dear Sir,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Kate

    January 6th, 2016 at 7:23 PM

    Hey!
    I know exactly how you feel.
    I could have written every one of your posts.
    I found this page tonight ironically as I’m going to a doctor tomorrow to discuss my depression.
    I really hope you are still out there somewhere since you haven’t posted for awhile.
    I’ve seen first hand what trains do to a body.
    Please stay away from the tracks when you are drawn there.
    It’s not worth it.

  • mandy

    December 27th, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    I lost my mom while I was at the age of 9 nd so as I say I saw hr lying down on the floor…I was little by then I didn’t know that she was gonna die …because she was sick …she had cancer ..nd I was never taken fr counselling… Or therapy because I ddnt cry I didn’t talk nd I didn’t knw tht she was gone forever….so now I’m 18years old nd I always bully myself fr the death of my mom …I’m always angry with everyone around me..they now think I’m disrespectful off which I’m nt aware of ..so as i bully myself I cry a lot imagining how my life would be like now…if she was still here…because when I first had my period she wasn’t there…

  • Kimberly

    January 3rd, 2016 at 5:01 AM

    I took a depression test last week and scored 63. I feel alone and empty. I can’t help it. But I don’t want people to notice what I’m going through. I act happy and well infront of them. No one knows and I definitely can’t let them know, since some of them depends on me. I can’t let them down. But I’m getting tired of smiling, I’m feeling even more sad and empty whenever I act happy. I know I can get through this I just don’t know when. Hopefully I can get over this soon.

  • CC

    January 5th, 2016 at 1:23 PM

    I feel exactly the same. My depression is not severe: i have SAD, which means im only depressed in the winter. Still its hard acting happy. Sometimes when i fake laugh (out loud) i can actually feel stings going through my body. I don’t want people to know either. My friends can be quite sad and i dont want to make it worse. I feel like its not important enough anyways, but at the same time it maddens me no one cares enough to notice. I wish you all the best. Stay strong <3

  • Paola

    January 18th, 2016 at 4:20 PM

    All that is just bull s***. Like for real people don’t pretend to be happy. Being happy comes naturally.

  • Ak

    January 21st, 2016 at 12:57 PM

    Totally BS I have depression and put on a “face” when at work just to get by

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 21st, 2016 at 4:24 PM

    Dear Ak,

    Thank you for sharing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you are experiencing depression, we encourage you to reach out. A qualified mental health professional can help treat depression. You can locate one in your area by using our site.

    Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Penny

    February 26th, 2017 at 5:54 PM

    You are so right, we with depression definitely are very good at acting, it’s like people wouldn’t understand, heck because we don’t understand it ourselves, so we do put on faces of happy to disguise our misery and sadness to function in society and day to day task, great luck and try to think positive

  • Elizabeth

    January 25th, 2016 at 5:18 PM

    Hi,
    I think I have spent most of my life pretending to be happy yet on the inside I am emotionally in strife, confused, angry, sad and lonely… Sometimes the only way to cope is to pretend to be happy and after a while the happy moments come so u experience moments of genuine happiness.
    But that’s usually when others are around and it soon passes, it is exhausting and hard to maintain and I personally don’t want to mope in my room all day – I can’t I have children to look after, so what does one do??? To cope u put on ur happy hat and do what u can to help others and be nice. – no one would want to hang out with the real me on in inside – I don’t like hanging out with the real me on the inside, … What do u do?? Try change the real u on the inside??? I don’t know how? Through years of Hurt and upset I don’t know how to escape from (as I’m in a family situation that causes me hurt) I have to do my best to be strong for my children. Therefore every single day I have to prepare myself to put on my “happy hat” and go forth the best I can.

  • Penny

    February 26th, 2017 at 5:47 PM

    I’m sorry to put it blunt to you Paola, but bullsh$t, but you need to get more informed about depression , people with depression tend to mask it very well while being miserable inside and feeling like your insides are all in knots all the time, and yes you definitely can have a disguise with depression.

  • Mary

    January 28th, 2016 at 4:27 AM

    I really need help before it gets worst.
    I’m 26 now. I used to be a happy person, no matter what happens I smile, I laugh I didn’t really care a lot about my previous problems.
    I was considering that everything happens for a reason and nothing is permanent. lots of ups and downs happened in my life and I kept on smiling.
    I’ve been changing since about 2 years.
    I felt sad lots of times without any reason, I cried too. at some point I was really tired, sad and angry too, I was kind of imagining that I’m hurting myself through a knife, there was blood and I felt as if it was real and it kind of felt good actually! as if it took all of my negative feelings of fear, sadness and anger!!! then I get back to reality and there was no harm! I hurted myself twice before and it wasn’t that serious harm. but I keep having the ide or hope of hurting myself and a desire to die!
    in my dreams, almost always, I’m seeing that I’m soo scared, running away from something I’m not even seeing! I wake up so tired!
    1 year ago I used to sleep abt 4 hours a day while I was working. now I’m home, having the same routine, having rest almost always, sleeping abt 7 or 8 hours a day and it’s never enough! (usuay from 2 am until 10 or 11 am) !
    I feel a lot of disrespect related to family (while they don’t really act that bad with me unless I stay in my room all the time!).
    I want to stay alone in my room, surfing the net but not really chatting with my friendd neither with others people.
    this fear, anger, overwhelming sadness, crying are almost always there. now much more then before!
    I was crying yesterday and about to hurt myself. I talked to my sister, I coud understand what she said but it wasn’t enough!
    by the way, my family and me never use alcohol or drugs or having a suicide situation or any other criminal, unusual or psychological problem!
    please help me.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 28th, 2016 at 8:50 AM

    Hello Mary,

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. We wanted to reach out to you with some resources that we feel may be helpful for your situation. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Middle age man saddness

    February 20th, 2016 at 6:08 PM

    I just wish there were a place where middle aged men could go to cry. A dark place Where I could cry with others who really understand being so depressed and alone and going through life with egg burning down their face, every time I see an attractive woman that I know I can’t have is just another punch in the gut, I can only take so many of those to an already lonely man. Every weekend is spent eating in restaurants alone then surfing the Internet, never adult stuff as that hurts even more. Politics keep my mind preoccupied. Part of “Making America great again” would be someone finding it in their heart to love this lonely soul.
    Lately I find myself looking at YouTube videos of people jumping off buildings and in front of trains. I’m surprised they allow it.

  • Liz

    October 4th, 2016 at 11:17 AM

    I haven’t been officially diagnosed but from what I’ve read I think I have depression. I relate to this far too well either way. Personally I believe I deserve an Oscar, I’ve kept up a cheery exterior throughout the past few years and nobody has seen the scars yet (I do small, shallow cuts in a spot on my arm that heals quick). If they do I generally shake it off and say the cuts are from a scratch my cat gave me. Let’s just ignore the bits of my skin I’ve taken off the soles of my feet. Well. A month or two ago I realised how unhealthy it is to repress my emotions so I decide to try to tell my friends of my strife. Apparently I played my role as a joker too well. They didn’t take me seriously. They though I was joking or being overdramatic. Hell, I can’t take me seriously. I look at my face in the mirror and whether I’m angry or sad I can’t help but see a smile try to creep onto my face. I despise it, I don’t want to smile. But there it is, my little mask. Ready to slip on. I hate it. Funny, isn’t it? Acting happy to hide emotions, only to reveal my emotions and have them seem like a mockery of the real thing. My friendships are horribly fleeting too so it’s hard opening up to people. What If they leave me. Then tell others. I mean, I’m a generally ‘happy’ person but I’m also prone to arguing and bursts of anger, which can cause quite a strain in friendship. Yay. But wait! Here comes the fear of abandonment. ‘just make new friends’ well sadly I’m seen as an… odd person at school, mostly thanks to my lack of volume control and horrible social skills (the social skill issue at least partly courtesy of being an extraverted only child in a family of introverts I assume). So what we have so far is: acting too well, friends no help, not many friends, horrible social skills, sense of abandonment as friends begin to forget about me, which leads up to good old low self-esteem and self loathing! Almost forgot my compulsive lying and brutal honesty (three cheers for contreversy. yay) and my issue with procrastination that has half my teachers hating me and my parents calling me useless! Yep there are other names too. I’ve been called a bad person, lying scum, idiot, yep Does absolute wonders for my self-esteem and HEAVEN FORBID I try to say anything in a conversation I started and interrupt dad when he starts talking. In the middle of my sentence. I even have a mild fear of education now as well thanks to dear old mum and dad. Well, only if THEY teach me anyway. Year 3, asked mum to help with short division. When she tried to teach me long division and I didn’t understand she slapped me repeatedly until I started crying. Called me stupid. I never learned short division that night. I do feel like crying in class if we get told to do long division though, as memories resurface. I totally shut down if dad tries to teach me anything at all. Just stare blankly into space as my mind panics. Too much yelling. Not only that but as dad’s work is unstable we basically live off single income (working in a supermarket). With bills, rent, school fees… I feel like a financial burden. I hate asking for things from my parents because I know we struggle to make ends meet. I’ve given up on taking food to school for lunch or taking money for canteen. It doesn’t bother me though. I don’t get too hungry. It seems I got off topic- point being my parents have the emotional awareness of a paperclip and I’m a financial burden. They also believe people can just get over depression easily, so that means I’m scared to go to the school councillor, because they’d tell my parents who would then berate me for making a fuss.

    I hate how weak I am. My problems are so small and I’m whining my ass off. There are people in worse situations who stay strong but here I am making a mountain of a molehill.
    Oh dear I seem to be rambling and making little sense sorry to have taken up your time if you read this. Just going to add- if anyone did read all of this and are worrying, I may cut myself but I’m not suicidal. I’m sort of (..?) looking forward to the rest of my life. I know things will get better so I’ll try to stick it out, but y’know. It may take a while.

  • Liz

    October 4th, 2016 at 11:21 AM

    I’m actually surprised at how long my vent was. Oh god I’m sorry if I inconvenience anyone by having such a large comment clogging up the comment section

  • Curious Magpie

    January 26th, 2017 at 3:42 PM

    I’m deoressed myself and have been for sometime. I have been on medication for the past 6 months and feel it’s not working for me. I’m currently sitting in a room and have been for a number of days. I left the house leaving my partner behind to see family… That was 7 days ago. My depression comes in batches of where I feel so low and worthless and can’t seem to figure out why. I haven’t been in touch with my partner and the more the days go by the worse my depression gets and I find it even harder to pick up the phone to speak to someone. I’ve ruined my life. I have let down my partner, family and more importantly my children. My partner doesn’t accept how my depression affects my actions like hiding from everyone. She sees it as selfish.

  • Clone

    February 13th, 2017 at 10:52 AM

    Reading this gives insight, but also makes me feel bad. I can feel a frustrated rage building, know it is building, want to stop it and not be able to. I have raged and then sat in the corner crying. I have raged and walked away thoroughly embarrassed. Then later replayed the event over and over in my mind feeling stupid. That is the worst part, the replays of the events that make you think you are less than others. I dread people asking me those insipid questions like “how are you? how are things?” to them it is just background noise, to me it is the need of a concocted fallacy. Enough of these questions and the forced lies start to create a frustration, ‘can’t you see how I am’ ‘can we talk about anything but how I am’? And a cycle begins. Oh for the wiring in my brain to allow me to escape the feedback loop and let me move beyond how I hate things.

  • Olive

    February 27th, 2017 at 6:56 PM

    I wanted to know what is going on with me. I can laugh and smile genuinely when I am with friends, however I simply don’t enjoy what I used to. When I am alone I feel quite depressed. I thought I was depressed but then I manged to go out and laugh and smile. I am anxious yet unmotivated. I am flamboyant yet null and passive. I want to do things but when it is simply me and anything without people that I need to put on a show with I just want to stop. I can’t get work done except when others rely on me. I simply don’t care enough about myself. I know self diagnosis is bad. However I have gone to therapy for depression in the past, but I wonder how I can feel this way when I can also feel so the opposite.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 4th, 2017 at 9:52 AM

    Im really surprised I’m still around. I’m still so damn lonely in life as with many odd ball middle aged men such as myself, chubby, balding, crooked teeth, smoker. I guess the good thing about being unwanted and unloved is I can dress and act the way I please. People at work spot it in me and that scares me. Darkness just comes over me and it rains all the time in my mind. I shy away from social situations where pretty women will be to avoid the hurt and pain as I cry inside.

  • Eleanor

    March 4th, 2017 at 12:05 PM

    Don’t want to sound really cliched, but it really is what’s on the inside that truly counts. We can’t all be beautiful, or attractive, and I understand where u r coming from. It’s a big deal in the modern world, but can be very superficial. Looks aren’t everything, kindness counts for so much more.

  • Eleanor

    March 5th, 2017 at 12:43 AM

    I think more people than you realise are suffering from some sort of horrid anxiety or depression. Even really attractive people can cuffer. This comment doesn’t really help but it might be comforting to know that lots of people are in the same boat as you. I,ve got cancer and each day is different. I can be depressed or anxious but sometimes I’m happy, it depends. I feel very alone with my illness, if it weren’t for the fact that I have a 13 yr old daughter wh o I love more than life itself
    F, I don’t honestly think I’d want to go on. Not much point. I totally get how you feel. I hope you feel bit better today.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 5th, 2017 at 9:17 AM

    Thank You Eleanor, I appreciate your supportive words. I’m so insecure that I see acceptance and love from others and in the very cold world I find neither. Some days I just want to stay home and cry all day, I sometimes by away from television as it shows pretty ladies and couples in love and that just crushes me. I have just been so long denied and it hurts this lost soul so much. I’m sure there are millions of 54 year old men (those who have not committed suicide yet) that feel this empty, lost and alone.

  • Eleanor d

    March 6th, 2017 at 5:08 AM

    Everyone in this world has some anxiety or depression, I’m sure of it. Just try to stay positive, I know it’s hard. It does help to know that others are going through your suffering.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 6th, 2017 at 2:49 PM

    Thank you Eleanor, I’m hoping to someday meet you in heaven when we are both there. Would be so nice to have a caring, loving mature adult like you to talk with. One who understands.

  • Eleanor d

    March 6th, 2017 at 3:24 PM

    Try to take each day one at a time, that’s what I do. I’m so up and down, it’s the only way I can keep sane. Just had a real giggle with my teen daughter which cheered me up. This cancer has totally and utterly changed my life, was diagnosed in 2013, and have had moments of utter despair, you would not believe. But I’ve got to keep going, for myself and Lydia, my daughter. You will pull through this, just take each day as it comes. Hope tmrw is at least ok.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 7th, 2017 at 5:09 PM

    Dear Eleanor, even in severe pain you still find the time and care enough to bother with a complete stranger and a nobody like, thank you. You are so sweet and I could kiss you. Instead of running away (afraid to comment) for fear of being associated with an oddball like me you have the guts to step forward Eleanor, I really think you are a real life angel and the cancer will magically disappear.

    Love Jack

  • Eleanor

    March 8th, 2017 at 3:36 AM

    Nobody is ever a nobody………..I woke up this am with horrid anxiety, but I feel better now. My day gets better as the day moves along. Try to take each day as it comes, it works for me. Hope you have a good day……….

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 9th, 2017 at 5:47 PM

    Most look forward to the weekend, I don’t. At least at work I have a purpose. Like every weekend I will go out for breakfast alone, I never look at the waitress too painful. Then I’ll walk the wooded trails alone again crying. At night I lay on the couch watching old black and white movies alone til I cry myself to sleep. Many times I’ll go use the drive thru to avoid having to look into a womans eyes (what I’m so long denied) as it hurts too much. It downpours in darkness in my mind all the time and often I think about the end, just another statistic.

  • Eleanor

    March 10th, 2017 at 10:28 AM

    Im worried for you. Please keep safe. Don’t do anything silly.

  • Middle aged Man Saddness

    March 12th, 2017 at 5:22 PM

    Dear Eleanor, god I wish I could promise I won’t but I can’t. Life is just a cold, dark, sad and lonely place that I sometimes find it hard to go on day to day. I know you will disappear from here and I appreciate your words of support. I’m crying now, gotta go❤

  • Eleanor

    March 13th, 2017 at 2:47 AM

    Please please don’t do anything silly. I’m just about to go into hospital for some tests, don’t do anything. Please.

  • Eleanor d

    March 14th, 2017 at 1:03 PM

    I do hope that you are feeling a tiny bit better. Just want you to know that someone is thinking of you, and hope today wad bearable, that’s all, really. My health seems to be going downhill all of a sudden, so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable and find I’m overthinking about the future. Not good. Never mind. Especially when I think of my teenage daughter, it gets too much. I don’t want to not be here for her, but I need a decent quality of life. Anyway, Hope ok.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 14th, 2017 at 2:01 PM

    God Eleanor, just wish I were there to hold your hand and comfort you and emotionally focus as hard as I could for good news. I know we are complete strangers from different places in the world but your health, welfare and happiness are priority number 1 in my heart and I hope that energy somehow finds it to your heart.

    ❤jack

  • Eleanor d

    March 15th, 2017 at 3:21 PM

    Thank you for your comment, that was very sweet. Today wasn’t all doom n gloom, but I can’t handle the uncertainty of this illness, you just never know what the doctors will tell you every time you go to clinic. This rubbish cancer has totally overtaken my life , I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions. I’m lucky to have a well adjusted and lovely daughter to help me thru this. The meds I take play havoc with my emotions, so when I’m feeling sad or whatever, I never really know if it’s me or the medications…….anyway, I was touched by your message. Hope your day was bearable. Sleep well, elli.

  • Middle Aged Man Saddness

    March 15th, 2017 at 4:19 PM

    Thank You Elli, I do hide my sadness everyday, the only bright spot in my life was looking forward to your response especially one that’s not all doom and gloom. I’d like you to know that this complete stranger thinks about you all the time and would hug you If I could, In my mind I’m there to comfort you through the cancer and the roller coaster medicine you need to take.

    ❤Jack

  • Eleanor d

    March 16th, 2017 at 1:35 AM

    Thanks for your words of comfort. It’s nice to have a total stranger care bout mr. I hope u have an ok day today, elli,

  • Eleanor d

    March 16th, 2017 at 2:08 AM

    I was up n down before I even got cancer…… U can imagine what I’m like now……….. I always think to myself, why me? What have I done to deserve this…….spose everyone with this illness thinks the same.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 16th, 2017 at 2:58 PM

    I know Elli it not easy at all and I can imagine the emotional roller coaster and having and understanding depression I don’t know if anything would cure it, not love or money. Trust me if I could wish away all the pain and moodiness you know I would, as we know it’s easier said than done. I’m sad and depressed all the time too, I’m a very good floor inspector at work, btw I’m just getting home, I work extra hours to keep my mind occupied, feel useful and tire myself out so I will get to bed early and the nightmares of being tortured to death begin, nice huh. I have nobody to hold so I wake in the middle of the night crying. Sometimes I don’t see any point in eating and going on, I really never get hungry anymore anyway. I’m 6’1 220 pounds so I could lose a few. I’m really lost in the world elli if I don’t hear from you. Goodnight ❤jack

  • Eleanor

    March 16th, 2017 at 4:25 PM

    Life can be very cruel. I think Lydia my daughter is suffering a bit now. She’s thirteen and sometimes I take it out on her which is just not fair at all. She asked me for a subscription to Netflix and I put my foot down said no, she got in a strop. My sister came in and shouted at Lydia not to be demanding when I’m ill……. This affects everyone around me, and when I’m moody it can be horrible here. I do have a lot to deal with, that’s why I say to you the cliche one day at a time. I too wish I had someone to share my life with, but that’s unlikely now. It’s so weird, cos before I got cancer, I was quite pretty, slim, lots of wavy hair. Cancer has robbed me of my looks, femininity and self confidence. It destroys you slowly, physically and emotionally. Anyway, thanks for being there, I so wish I could help you in a practical way. Sleep well, elli.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 17th, 2017 at 3:17 PM

    Elli, thank you for responding. I think you still have some self confidence left as you wouldn’t dare to be moody for fear of rejection, me…..I have zero self confidence or self esteem and don’t feel I have the courage to show my mood or argue a point and you stood up to your daughter. Mother Nature and age has robbed me of any slight looks I might have ever had, lots of hair is gone, crooked teeth, plenty of wrinkles. Looks aren’t everything, if a person would love you just on looks they are looking for sex. If one loves you because of the words you’ve created that connect our souls together then that’s genuine love (like poetry) which I can read in you. Besides sex is over rated and has been missing for so long it’s not a part of me anymore. Your words are poetry to me and I know god is listening and will restore your health and free you from the cancer chains that bind you hun. Please get some rest elli, I worry about you too you know

    ❤jack

  • Eleanor

    March 19th, 2017 at 3:14 AM

    I truly don’t believe in a god, maybe I should but I just can’t. Life about luck, environment and opportunity. I’m beyond depressed now, just totally n utterly anxious and worried bout what the future holds for me and Lydia. She’s the sweetest, loveliest daughter I cd ever hope to have, she has the biggest heart ever. I have tests this week at hospital, and the will determine which way the cancer is going. I’m not brave, I just have to go through this, got no choice. Thinks for your comments, it’s nice to be in contact. I hope u aren’t too bad today,, but I know what u r going thru, I’ve been thru I pit all. I was so happy wen I had Lydia, but since 2013 life hac been one almighty roller coaster. Any ways, I’m getting fed up of talking bout myself, it’s getting tedious. Hope ur day today is ok. Elli.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 19th, 2017 at 10:25 AM

    Elli, 2013, was also a hard year for me as both my parents died within 5 weeks of each other, God I really miss them. Speaking of being brave, I’m a Chicken with zero courage. Dont know why results take so darn long when they know being in limbo is torture. When diagnosed with diabetes the lab called me the night I gave my sample, so it can be done if they wanted. If I could hold you and comfort Elli you know I would, that will have to come via Lydia. I will be worried about you all week as we await your results together. Being such a chicken I need God to stand up for me, I do respect your choice not to believe. Best of luck and please let me know hun

    ❤jack

  • Eleanor

    March 20th, 2017 at 4:09 AM

    My condolences. Elli.

  • Eleanor

    March 20th, 2017 at 2:11 PM

    And thanks for your support. Your story is so sad re. Ten passing of your parents. That must have been absolutely devastating, I can’t imagine what you must have gone through……..hope your day was at least bearable, elli.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 21st, 2017 at 4:59 PM

    Hey Elli, sorry I’m so late, have been working long hours. Thank You for Condolences hun, it was a very hard thing to deal with but I know they are now in a better place. I know your so tired of talking about yourself and I respect that. At least the really good weather Is coming here in Central Florida and I try and walk for exercise, a change of scenery hopefully will perk me up a bit. I Won’t be alone as I now have someone to care about even if only virtual with the thought of you!!

  • Eleanor d

    March 23rd, 2017 at 1:46 AM

    You seem to be a bit more optimistic which is really good to hear. Bad news for me, the c has spread, so the hospital will be starting me on some new treatment shortly. When I was told the news, I was in shock, but to tell the truth, I was expecting it as I’ve had such awful back ache. So don’t know what the future will hold for me…………….but I will have to try not to get too despondent for Lydia’s sake. I actually had a cigarette this am (gave up recently) as felt fit stressed about it all. I constantly have an e cig in my hand having smoked practically the whole of my life. So that’s the news, will have to take each day as it comes. Don’t really want sympathy, just will have to come to terms with this in my own way. Have a good day, elli.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 23rd, 2017 at 10:44 AM

    My optimism is coming directly from you Elli, even though we are complete strangers I feel as though I know a little about you and instead of running from me you have embraced me and given me someone to finally care about. So sorry to hear the bad news, you know my main mission in life now is to provide emotional support for you which is not sympathy, it’s understanding. Knowing in some tiny way I am helping such a beautiful soul as you recover means the world hun. Thank You

    ❤Jack

  • Eleanor

    March 23rd, 2017 at 1:05 PM

    I really took my anger out on my sister tonite….. I was abusive to her for ten whole minutes, called her a fat b$tch, that I actively disliked her, that she was lazy ugly, oh it was in believable what I said to her…..some of it true it has to be said. I’ve just apologised, but don’t think she believes me……..was it the cancer talking, or was it what I sometimes think bout her? Lydia was giggling, and skedadlled off to have a shower! Glad u r feeling bit better in general. Elli.

  • Leon

    March 24th, 2017 at 1:07 AM

    I have printed this article to show my loved ones just what I’m going through. I don’t know if I will ever show it to them, because my depression shames me greatly. I feel cursed, like there’s a mental wall that I have to climb in order to achieve the goals I have set for myself in life. However, when I climb one wall, another is being built just beyond. The worst part is, it is my own mind building these walls. There is no pain quite like the pain of loneliness, and the depression and paranoia that comes with it. I have lived my entire adult life and adolescent life with this pain; The outbursts are the worst part. The times I get angry at someone or irritated at a situation. These events make the pain worse. Sometimes, I will actually collapse on the floor and stare at the carpet for minutes to an hour, my mind racing, waiting for the pain to end. I know I need help, I’m just too ashamed to admit it. I would rather have everyone else lead happy lives while I suffer, so I do not introduce them to the darkness in my mind. No one deserves to feel this pain or even glimpse it, and I have to live with it alone. But someday, I hope someone will understand that, and help me see the light. But is that too much to ask of someone? Maybe.

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 24th, 2017 at 5:50 AM

    I know it was the Cancer talking. I can tell that you are a sweet person without a mean bone in your body elli. Your sister is also from smart stock and understands this, I know that what ever this condition causes you to say she will keep on loving you much like I will. I know it’s the day to day triumphs and setbacks that are the hardest to deal with and I am honored to be accepted into your daily support system, it really gives me someone to care about in what is otherwise a cold hard lonely world full of tears of loneliness. ❤Jack

  • Middle Age Man Sadness

    March 24th, 2017 at 9:06 AM

    Leon, I do completely understand the pain of loneliness, staying away from as many as possible to avoid the pain of others being happy and in love, it just crushes me and I end up leaving early, crying all the way home and all night at home as I have been so long denied love and happiness. I no longer ever have the self esteem or self confidence to even face others or to argue a point. It’s so dark as it downpours with thunder and lightning in my mind all the time. This is the only place I dare to wear my heart on my sleeve as I know it’s reserved exclusively for those who suffer with heartbreak, hurt and depression enough to deter the 12 year olds who would make a joke out of it by demonstrating their immaturity in their posts. Thank god for the moderator. As you have read Eli has given me a glimmer of hope by opening up here and allowing me to care about her. I’m getting older now and just don’t want to die alone when the time comes. I also realize my own paranoia and fear of a disaster any day now that will rob me of the tiny bit of normal left in my ruins of an existence.

  • Eleanor

    March 24th, 2017 at 3:19 PM

    Sparks really flew tonite, when my sister, without my consent, asked one of my doctors how long she thought I had left. I was really really really flabbergasted . This upset my daughter Lydia and she was in tears most of the evening. My sister should have had the decency to ask me if I minded that she asked that question. I’m shattered now mentally, so sleep well n thanks for support. Elli.

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