by Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Clinical Psychologist and Sex Therapist, MEd, MA, PsyD, in San Francisco, CA

The Shame Around Masturbation

Many of us are indoctrinated with shame. It seems to be a readily used societal mechanism to control and dominate when someone or something is perceived to be out of control. A place where that shows up a great deal is with sex, including solo sex, or masturbation. Shame is the instilled belief there’s something bad or wrong with you — fundamentally. It’s not the feeling that you made a mistake, but rather the feeling you are a mistake.

The Status Quo

Mixed Messages About Sex

When it comes to sex, and particularly solo sex, we’re often bombarded with a multitude of messages that can leave us feeling confused. Messages may include: “There’s something wrong with you if you don’t masturbate, something wrong with you if you do. And if you do masturbate, there’s something wrong with your frequency, no matter what it is.” It can feel overwhelming and almost as though you can’t win.

You’ve likely heard the jokes and myths around masturbation: “If you masturbate too much, you’ll go blind!” or “Masturbation can lead to hairy palms/insanity/erectile dysfunction/etc.” (Note: Those are all false.)

There’s also the more overtly religious “God is always watching you” or something similar. This last one boils down to a judgment. And judgment is at the root of shame.

Religions often have numerous messages surrounding sex and pleasure, and sometimes those messages turn into how countries regulate not only sex work, but also sex toys used in masturbation such as vibrators and dildos. About 45% of the world’s countries prohibit the import of sex toys because they fall under the umbrella of pornography.

Self-Ignorance Around Pleasure and the Body

Pleasure is not normalized and learning how to touch our own bodies is not something most people have even considered consciously, particularly if there has been conditioning that masturbation is dirty or sinful. All of this keeps people from knowing themselves, of getting to know their own bodies (if they’re masturbating alone) or someone else’s body (if they’re engaging in mutual masturbation). Fundamentally, shame keeps us from honoring ourselves. One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and the world is to honor and love yourself more deeply than you may already.

If you notice a lot of shame showing up for you, I encourage you to look at it, gently shine a light onto it. No need to push yourself too much as you enter into this important self-inquiry. Are these messages worth perpetuating, or are they outdated and inherited from someone else?

The Importance of Releasing Shame

My hope in all of my work is to help people to be more fully themselves and releasing shame can help them do that. Also, the thing about shame around masturbation is it has the consequence of you not only feeling bad about yourself, but also being less likely to openly communicate with your partner or partners. If you don’t know what you like, what feels good to you, how can you express what you want or communicate your boundaries to someone else? Furthermore, you may end up having boring or painful sex, which you don’t ever have to settle for. Mediocrity and sex do not go together and neither do shame and sex, whether it’s solo sex (masturbating) or partnered sex.

Getting to Know Your Body

If you take the time and care to attune and learn how your body likes to be touched and pleased, it can be a great contribution to your life in general. If you’re struggling to wrap your head around that, or perhaps you feel shame around being shamed, that’s okay. Even if you can’t take the message in right now, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with masturbation; there’s nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself. You can’t masturbate too much unless you’re finding it’s problematically interfering with your life  (e.g., your work or relationships are suffering, it’s consuming a lot of your time, etc.).

Human beings are designed to seek pleasure – it’s inherent in our brains and bodies. Masturbation is just one way we experience pleasure.

Trying Out a New Approach

If you’re interested in masturbation, I have an exercise for you. Take yourself on a date. Mentally note you are placing boundaries around this time just for you. Create a sensual space: light some candles, plan out a menu for a special meal, put some pleasing music on. Have the mindset of slowing down and really smelling the candle (and/or add some incense if your body desires that). Also, smell the delicious smells of your meal and taste each bite as it hits your tongue.

After dinner, see if you are in the mood for sensual or sexual touch. Really take your time to see how you like to be touched. Be with yourself without rushing to the goal of an orgasm. Instead, take things slow and sensually, focusing on pleasure itself. How does each touch feel in your body? What do you notice with each touch? What happens as you vary pressure or intensity? Perhaps an orgasm will emerge naturally.

This is a time for self-exploration and self-love. There is no right or wrong way here — instead you’re learning what feels good to you and no one else. Masturbation is a natural, normal behavior to engage in, or not engage in. You’re the one that gets to decide that – no one else.

If you need support around this topic, by all means, reach out to me or another therapist.

By Dr. Denise Renye, Licensed Psychologist (PsyD), Sex Therapist, Life Coach

A Sexologist’s Perspective on Sexuality 

When it comes to sexuality, most people think of, well, sex. This word is both loaded and very limited. However, there are so many other aspects of sexuality that don’t get nearly enough air time.

I’m a certified sexologist with the American College of Sexologists International and a licensed psychologist with a master’s degree in human sexuality. I’ve dedicated years to thinking about, researching, writing, and teaching this topic. I care about this deeply because, even today, there’s a lack of awareness and communication regarding sexual topics in the general public. I know there can be a lot of pressure around sexual activity, but to remove it from its broader context of sexuality does us no favors. 

Sex Is Complex

Having worked in domestic violence shelters and rape crisis centers as a counselor and court advocate, I know sex can be used as a weapon of violence. But I also know through educating individuals and couples on the techniques of erotic massage, eye gazing, and non-violent communication, that sexuality can be an expression of connection and deep love and admiration. Sex can be experienced and used in a myriad of ways across the continuum of pain and pleasure.

A Model for Understanding Human Sexuality

But sex is more than the physical act. When talking about sex, I like to widen the lens and talk about sexuality, which is as deep as it is multifaceted. A holistic model I teach often to couples, individuals, and students is the five circles of sexuality developed by Dr. Dennis Dailey in 1981, which is still relevant. Note: In his original model he listed “biological gender” in the sexual identity circle. We now have a more nuanced and better understanding that gender is a social construct and sex is biological anatomy. Dailey’s work expanded the definition and understanding of sex at the time. No one benefits from a narrow definition – in fact, many are harmed by it – but we can bring our better understanding to his contributions and still see the insight of his work.

In this model, values lie at the center of sexuality, but surrounding it are circles: power and sexualization, sensuality, intimacy, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. All of these aspects of sexuality are important parts of the whole for each individual. 

• Power and sexualization refer to how you use your potency and sexualness. This circle involves not only interactions with other people but also messaging from media and advertising. Positive power exchanges include flirting and giving/receiving pleasure. It’s important to note these exchanges occur between consenting partners. Consent is imperative and sexy. Negative power exchanges are when one person does not (or cannot) gain consent, yet engages in a sexual act. Negative power exchanges are withholding sex as a manipulation tool, sexual harassment, sexual assault, rape, incest, and any other abusive sexual behavior including harassing and trolling online, as well as stalking.

• Sensuality is the awareness, acceptance, and enjoyment of your own body and/or the bodies of others. Included in sensuality are fantasy, body image (how you feel about your body, which influences how and when you allow yourself to experience touch, sexual and otherwise), and skin hunger (the need for physical touch). Everyone has a different level of skin hunger, which is more than fine! Not all bodies crave the same type, duration, and frequency of touch. Sensuality allows for pleasure and includes smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound.

• Intimacy is the degree of emotional closeness between people – not only romantic partners but also friends and family. To establish intimacy with someone, you need to take risks, be vulnerable, communicate well, and establish trust. To do so involves acts of caring/sharing, as well as liking/loving.

• Sexual identity refers to who you are and how you label yourself as a sexual being. It includes how you see yourself as a gendered being (or not), gender role cultural expectations, who you’re attracted to, and the types of sexual practices that excite you/bring pleasure.

• Sexual health and reproduction denote the physical fact of your body and how it functions sexually. This circle includes the components of reproduction, the physical changes that happen from birth to death, and the challenges people may face such as sexually transmitted infections (STIs), sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

How These Circles Interact

As you can see, sexuality is multi-faceted. Furthermore, these circles of sexuality influence one another. For instance, if you have a history of negative power exchanges, that may make it harder for you to build intimacy with others. Or if you are a transgender person, you may be less inclined to seek out sexual-related healthcare because you don’t feel safe disclosing that information to certain healthcare providers.

When someone comes to me with a sexual concern, there are usually several factors at play that require attention and care. I spent 2+ years earning a master’s degree in human sexuality (with various practical application internships) on this topic because sexuality is so complex and cannot be distilled down to a sound bite or a 3-step method to sexual healing. That said, certain exercises come up frequently in my practice; sensate focus is one of them, and I’ll be back to share more about that next week.

Dr. Denise Renye is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified sexologist, and yoga therapist as well as psychedelic integrationist. She has a friendly, down-to-earth and professional approach that will allow space for you to be at ease when talking about sensitive subjects. She has specialized training and works with people in the areas of complex trauma, sexuality, intimacy, states of consciousness, and fringe relationships. Her practice is in Northern California and globally via virtual therapy and coaching.

To find a sex therapist in your area, begin your search here.