remain relatively rare in the United States, but are a common cultural practice in many countries. As many as 55% of all marriages globally are arranged, most of them in South Asia, Africa, the Middle East, and Southeast Asia. Immigrants and children thereof are sometimes involved in marriages arranged by third parties in the United States. Although the practice remains controversial due to concerns such as freedom of choice and the oppression of women, abuse is not the norm in arranged marriages.

Many people willingly enter into arranged marriages, believing that their parents are well equipped to choose a lifelong partner for them. People in arranged marriages face many of the same issues as people who marry for love—communication, infidelity, the death of romance, fights about money, and different parenting philosophies—and sometimes seek counseling to resolve these issues. Therapists counseling clients involved in arranged marriages must be sensitive to cultural practices, and may need to take a closer look at some common issues in arranged marriages.

Cultural Awareness and Ethnocentrism
In a culture that focuses on marrying for love, it’s easy to look down on arranged marriages and to view them as products of force. But many people enter into arranged marriages of their own accord, and the low divorce rate among arranged marriages globally—between 4% and 6%—clashes greatly with the high divorce rate in the United States (around 50%). Therapists counseling couples involved in arranged marriages should suspend judgments and display respect for cultural practices, even if they disagree with them.

Premarital Counseling
Some people believe arranged marriage involves a couple meeting for the first time at their wedding, but many couples in arranged marriages know their spouses for years before getting married. However, they don’t typically live together and may not spend much time together prior to marriage. Some couples are introduced to each other by third parties but left to make the ultimate decision as to whether to pursue marriage. Premarital counseling can greatly benefit couples involved in arranged marriages and help them prepare for the stress of adapting to a shared life.

Values Within Marriage
Married couples come from all walks of life, and every couple has its unique set of values. Some couples may relish religious-based counseling, while others may struggle with establishing equality within marriage. Couples involved in arranged marriages may have a wide variety of values, and therapists should investigate the core beliefs of their clients early in the process. For some couples in arranged marriages, divorce may not be an option due to family values, beliefs about marriage, or a simple commitment to see the marriage through. Therapists should not make assumptions about marital values; for example, some couples within arranged marriages may highly value gender equality, while others might see separate roles for men and women as a fair approach that promotes marital harmony.

Abuse and Coercion
There are many happy arranged marriages, but abuse of women and coercion into marriage remain a sad legacy of some arranged marriage practices. In cultures where women are not treated as equals, women may be hesitant to report abuse, and may not even recognize abuse as a problem. Therapists should be prepared to intervene if they see signs of abuse and to educate both partners about steps they can take to end abusive behavior. Some abused partners may benefit from meeting with the therapist individually, as they may be hesitant to report abuse or other marital issues in the presence of a spouse. Consequently, therapists should consider meeting with each spouse individually from time to time.

Family Issues
In cultures that practice arranged marriages, families often play a central role in the relationship. Spouses may have conflicts with their in-laws or struggle to establish proper boundaries. Therapists should determine each spouse’s comfort level with family involvement before making recommendations. Some couples, for example, may welcome the input of parents or in-laws but need help determining how much input to accept or whether living with parents is an appropriate strategy. Others, however, may want to establish completely separate lives from their families and may need advice about how to establish boundaries and navigate conflicts.

References:

1. Delp, V. (2006, November 20). Lessons from an arranged marriage. Families.com. Retrieved from http://www.families.com/blog/lessons-from-an-arranged-marriage
2. Lee, J. H. (2013, January 20). Modern lessons from arranged marriages. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/fashion/weddings/parental-involvement-can-help-in-choosing-marriage-partners-experts-say.html?pagewanted=all
3. Pre-marital counseling. (n.d.). Between Us Relationship Helpline RSS. Retrieved from http://betweenus.bharatmatrimony.com/?p=263

Marriages aren’t like fine wines. They are not harvested in vineyards and they do not always get better with age. However, many marriages far exceed any expiration date. According to a recent article by Matt Richtel, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer and columnist, modern marriages—which divorce at rates upward of 50%—may benefit from an exit strategy after, say, five, 10, or 20 years. Richtel said that many marriage contracts already exist. Prenuptial agreements are rampant among the wealthy, some couples who live together make paperless commitments to each other, and many celebrities and politicians have legalized business/marriage agreements. In fact, the idea of contractual marriage has been picked up in Mexico, where lawmakers recently introduced the idea of renewable marriages. Good idea or bad, the law didn’t pass.

But should it have? Should the institution of marriage be updated to keep pace with other cultural advances in areas such as medicine and technology? This was the question that Richtel asked several marriage therapists, psychologists, and divorce attorneys. The responses were varied. Author and professor Pepper Schwartz commented that marriage has been getting picked apart for decades and needs to be fully examined. Today’s marriages have less connection to religion and family, which creates a weaker support system, and modern technology encourages people to expect instant gratification from marriage. Schwartz said something like a 20-year marriage contract is an option, and that nuptial contracts including dowries and financial arrangements are not new.

Dr. Robert E. Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, says the problem with marriage is the expectation of longevity that it comes with. Children of divorced parents bear the immediate emotional devastation of losing one parent, or having their family rhythm disrupted. If the possibility of divorce was anticipated, and marriages were not supposed to last past a certain point, it would be more culturally acceptable and emotionally tolerable. Emery says the best way to approach marriage is to understand that it is not a union filled with unlimited sex with someone who is beyond perfect, but rather an investment of every available resource that can reap emotional, sexual, and physical rewards. “There are good reasons to be romantic about marriage,” Emery said. “The big benefit of marriage is precisely the commitment over the long term.”

Reference:
Richtel, Matt. Till death, or 20 years, do us part. (n.d.): n. pag. The New York Times. 28 Sept. 2012. Web. 1 Oct. 2012. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/30/fashion/marriage-seen-through-a-contract-lens.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

The word bridezilla has become an oft-used part of our lexicon, and many people who have never been married are confused by the panic and stress that seems to surround wedding planning. But a newly engaged couple quickly learns that the stress of wedding planning is not the overexaggerated fantasy of people who simply have no stress tolerance. Wedding planning is stressful for almost everyone, and yet people never stop to think about why this is. Here’s what is really going on.

Expectations vs. Reality
A wedding is a major rite of passage, and many people—especially women—have been raised to expect their wedding to be a perfect fairy tale. But nothing can be perfect, even a wedding, and the drive for perfection can be profoundly stressful and emotionally fraught. Many people use their wedding as an opportunity to take stock of their lives so far. If they can’t afford a dream wedding, they may feel like failures. Some people have a specific list of things they intended to do before they got married. No matter how unreasonable this list might have been, unfulfilled dreams can still cause stress when you’re planning a wedding.

A Stressful Engagement
The time before you get married should be one of the happiest, most romantic times in your life. Instead, many people spend this period frantically planning a wedding, stressing about finances, and fretting over guest lists. Wedding planning can cause you to pull away or turn on your future spouse, and constant planning certainly eliminates any opportunities for romantic time together. Thus some people arrive at their wedding day feeling pretty humdrum about their future marriage and pretty frustrated with the process that got them to the altar.

Finances
Disagreements about money are among the most common marital problems. When surveyed, people indicate that financial problems are one of the biggest stressors in their lives. Weddings are expensive, with the average wedding in the United States costing well over $30,000, so it’s no wonder people can be driven to a state of panic by weddings. Couples frequently must make huge sacrifices, compromise with their parents, and work extra hours to get the money to pay for their weddings, and all of this effort can take a toll.

Requests of Others
Many newlyweds report that it wasn’t the wedding planning itself that was stressful. It was the constant pressure, opinions, and criticism from other people, such as the mother who’s enraged that you’re keeping your maiden name or the father who insists on a traditional wedding ceremony. A wedding frequently puts the differences between parents and their children on full display. Many engaged couples worry about their parents making snide remarks just before their wedding, or spend the entire time they’re engaged bending over backward to please their parents, only to find out that nothing they do is enough.

Relying on Others
No matter how much you might want it to be just you and your fiancée, a wedding is a group event. From bridesmaids to florists, officiants to flower girls, you must coordinate with many people, not all of whom will be cooperative. Trying to get everyone to understand your vision for your wedding can be like herding cats. And even simple tasks such as getting your best man to finally get fitted for a tux can be extremely stressful. When people have to rely on others to get tasks done, their stress levels tend to rise. This reliance on others is made even worse by the stress most couples feel to create a perfect wedding.

So, no matter how simple you may try to keep the wedding plans, there will still be stressors that you should anticipate and plan for, just as you plan for your cake and photographer. Start thinking about the people and events that may create stress for you and your fiancé, and take steps to reduce those predictable conflicts. Acceptance of the things you can and cannot change is key, and practicing now can only help once you become a partner in a marriage.

Sources:

1. Miller, R. S. (2011). Intimate relationships. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
2. Reis, H. T., Rusbult, C. E. (2004). Close relationships: Key readings. New York, NY: Psychology Press.

Related articles:
The Fear of Hurting the Other and the Inhibition of Self
Embrace Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection
Decision Making in Relationships: Three Important Values to Help you Know When to Give in or Dig in