Perfectionism is one of those things that carry both positive and negative qualities, making it a tricky and complicated issue to understand. If you are detail-oriented or want the best for yourself, are you perfectionist or just ambitious? I think the answer lies in (1) the way you feel about yourself and (2) whether the idea of perfection is an obsessive thought that won’t let go or, rather, a repetitive behavior done in an attempt to succeed.

Of course, some amount of ambition is a good thing, right? We all want to do our best, to look our best, and to have life go our way. In that way, striving is a positive quality. However, it becomes harmful and maladaptive when we attempt to reach an invisible goal. What is perfection, exactly? Doesn’t it depend on your definition? What might be perfection for some may not be for others.

In a quote by Anne Wilson Schaef, she writes, “Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.” Self-abuse is a strong wording choice that defines the obsessive quality of the idea. Perfectionism can run rampant on your self-esteem, your confidence, and your motivation to do more. If your first thought when you start an exercise routine is that you want to look like a supermodel, you may be experiencing perfectionist thoughts. Even supermodels don’t look like supermodels in real life. If you lose weight, get fit, eat healthier, and yet don’t look like a magazine ad, have you failed? Perfection is a deep whisper in our souls that we, alone, are not enough. Its invasive quality can be quite destructive to a healthy outlook on life.

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Perfectionism is most apparent in three areas of our lives. First, we are perfectionists with our bodies and minds. Every commercial, every advertisement, every billboard reminds us that we are not “right” in some way. We’re expected to believe that we must have a toned body, the longest, sleekest hair, acne-free skin, and white teeth. Second, we are perfectionists in relationships and especially parenting. We read the books, get on the preschool mailing list before our children are out of diapers, and kill all germs immediately. This quest for perfection in parenting leads to perfection-driven children who may feel they cannot measure up. Third, we are perfectionists with our environment. We want our homes to be HGTV worthy while we bake like Martha Stewart. An entire home-design-and-improvement culture was created on the perfectionist ideal.

So, what to do when perfection is running our thoughts? Here’s how to get un-perfect and still be OK:

1. Check yourself. Are you thinking perfection all the time? What if you don’t reach perfection? Will you be happy, healthy, and alive? Will others still love you? Will you still be a good person? If you understand that thoughts can come and go, you will start to realize that perfectionist thoughts can be harmful and they can be released. Check to make sure that while your standards are being met, you are not preoccupied with perfection. Flawed people are great, too.
2. Focus out, not in. Focusing on ourselves too much can breed insecurity, which in turn breeds perfectionism. Instead of focusing inward, reach out to family, friends, and strangers to see what else the world has to offer. Take a class, help a friend, volunteer, teach, garden, or build something to give away. Perfectionism loves inwardly focused people. Open yourself up.
3. Fail. Try something new with the intention of being bad at it. Paint a picture and laugh at how ridiculous it is. Talk to a stranger with the understanding that if he or she ignores you, at least you tried! Failing is a vital step to get rid of perfectionism because you learn that failing isn’t as bad as you thought. In fact, it can be fun! If you are always trying to be perfect, it can paralyze you to never try anything. So go out there and fail!

If you believe you cannot get a grip on obsessive thoughts and behaviors, please contact a mental health specialist who can help guide you to feeling more balanced.

If someone is referred to as a perfectionist, it could be considered a compliment or an insult. Perfectionism is an ambiguous categorization, hallmarked by high standards and motivation for success. Being a perfectionist does not necessarily mean that an individual will have negative traits such as neuroticism. But it does not indicate that one will be highly resilient when goals are not met, either. Understanding perfectionism, and the subjective evaluations of perfectionism, is critically important for perfectionists and the clinicians who treat them.

Perfectionism can motivate someone to push themselves further in various domains. Having the desire to achieve something is not a bad thing in and of itself, but when that desire becomes an obsession, it can create problems. Because the definition of perfectionism is so unclear, Jeffrey S. Ashby of the Department of Counseling and Psychological Services at Georgia State University decided to evaluate perfectionism based on its positive and negative influences. In a recent exploratory study, Ashby asked 36 college students with significantly high standards how their perfectionist traits affected different areas of their lives. He also looked specifically at how high versus low levels of worry and stress were related to perfectionism.

Ashby found that although some of the participants did not describe themselves as perfectionists, they still had tendencies that would indicate otherwise. For instance, high worriers who reported stress as a result of their perfectionist traits exhibited less resilience than low worriers, even though they may not have considered themselves perfectionists. Although the levels of worry varied, Ashby found that worry was most closely related to high standards in professional, academic, and work domains. Interestingly, other areas, such as personal appearance, religious involvement, self-esteem, and relationships were mentioned as well, but had distinct significance for each participant. Thus, it seems based on the responses that perfectionism and its effects, positive or negative, could depend on the domain it is attached to.

This exploration into perfectionism also revealed a relationship to obsessive-compulsive traits. In particular, the participants with the highest levels of worry and negative outcomes related to their perfectionism also reported the highest levels of obsessive-compulsive habits or rituals. Also, Ashby found that those who experienced the most stress from their perfectionism were the least likely to call themselves perfectionists, and were for the most part unwilling to give that character trait up. “The apparent inconsistencies between the distress attributed to it, the benign evaluations of it, and the general reluctance to give it up, raise intriguing questions about perfectionism,” Ashby said. He believes that this finding suggests a deep-rooted sense of perfectionism that individuals consider inherent or ingrained. Future work should explore this nuance of perfectionism more thoroughly in order to better understand how this classification of perfectionism may impair change in those who experience negative consequences from their behaviors.

Reference:
Ashby, Jeffrey S., Robert B. Slaney, Christina M. Noble, Philip B. Gnilka, and Kenneth G. Rice. Differences between “normal” and “neurotic” perfectionists: Implications for mental health counselors. Journal of Mental Health Counseling 34.4 (2012): 322-40. Print.