by Carey Cloyd, Marriage and Family Therapist

Women’s Issues: 4 Tips for Making Female Friends as an Adult

Creating and fostering friendships can take more effort and intention as an adult when one is no longer in school. This can depend in part on one’s workplace and role. However, many people report finding it more difficult to make friends as an adult than they did as a child – and for women, this challenge may feel pronounced. It is important to address any feelings of isolation and loneliness by actively cultivating friendships with other women to feel more bonded and supported. Friendships have been shown to help decrease anxiety, stress, and worry, positively impacting overall health and well-being.

4 Tips for Cultivating Female Friendships

#1 Take action and be consistent.

It is important to both respond to and reach out to female friends when it is authentic for one to do so. Of course, some balance in who is initiating contact is generally appreciated and valuable. Finding and maintaining a balance in who is initiating can be an important factor as you consider to what degree you’re moved to invest in a new friendship. You may assume that others are uninterested, when in fact, they may have some of the same needs, desires, concerns, and interests in a friendship that you do.

Get the ball rolling: You can give someone a compliment, initiate a conversation, and extend an invitation for a walk or to lunch. 

#2 Know that rejection is part of the experience.

In your quest to develop and maintain friendships, feelings of rejection and abandonment may arise. It is best to expect that such feelings will arise sometimes. Remember that you are assessing the friendship, as well as being assessed by your new connection. Someone may not feel the same level of interest as you do and/or may not be a friendship match for you. If someone is not interested in continuing a friendship, their disinterest may be an accurate indicator of the viability of a friendship. This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. One-sided friendships hurt, and you don’t have to languish over them. Move forward and continue to look for like-minded companions with shared interests.

#3 Don’t focus on numbers; focus on quality relationships.

Many assume that someone with many friends is more socially successful and better off than those with just a few friends. It’s not quite so simple. Personalities differ; while some people thrive socializing with many people, others shine in relationships with a few people. It’s most important what works best for you. This knowledge about yourself is where self-care and self-acceptance come in.

#4 Keep it going!

If there is momentum created in a new female friendship, make sure to keep it up. Fostering adult friendship takes time, attention, focus, and care. There may be a longer lapse than usual between visits or phone calls, etc. You can be the one to pick up the ball and initiate contact to keep the relationship going. For some, it may be nice to settle into a routine when you have contact on a relatively regular basis—be that daily, weekly, monthly, or quarterly. Find what fits for you and each of your friends, knowing that there may be changes over a long friendship based on current circumstances.

If you’re feeling scared, lonely, or overwhelmed by feelings of isolation, reaching out to a therapist in your area for support might be the best thing you could do.

Our relationships are important. The people we spend our time with set the tone for whether we end up being authentically who we are made to be.

Friends are there to support us when we go through tough times, hold us accountable to our goals, and challenge us to think about our values and beliefs. The ones we surround ourselves with can play a part in either helping us grow or keeping us stagnant.

A healthy friendship is give-and-take. It can feel lopsided at times, as when you are going through something and your friend puts their own things aside to help (or vice versa). But it doesn’t continue that way for long, and it balances out over the years.

So what is a toxic friendship, how do we recognize it, and why do we stick with toxic friends for so long?

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What Does It Mean to Be a Toxic Person?

Clinically, there is no definition that applies to “toxic” people. Generally speaking, toxic people are recognized by personality traits that put them in what is known as the “dark triad” in psychological circles. The dark triad includes those who have traits of narcissism, psychopathy, or Machiavellianism.

According to Delroy Paulhus, a researcher in the dark triad, narcissism describes “grandiose self-promoters who continually crave attention.” So-called psychopaths are those who can (and often do) cause serious harm with their callousness, but lack the grandiosity of a person with narcissism. And Machiavellians are considered everyday manipulators. Most of us run into someone from all three of these areas often in our lives.

Based on those descriptions, it may be uncomfortable to put our friends into those categories. However, many people who fit into them can also be described as charming, ambitious, productive, and confident.

How Can We Recognize Toxic People?

Toxic people are the ones who are hard to be friends with. We often feel loyal to them for one reason or another—the length of time we’ve known them, the difficulty they’ve experienced in their life, or some guilt they have put upon us at the notion of setting a boundary with them.

We can usually recognize toxic people when we examine our feelings about them when they aren’t around. Does being around this person make us feel good about ourselves? Do we leave conversations with them feeling heard and supported? Are we able to be ourselves around them, or do we feel as if we constantly have a guard up? Have we seen them be manipulative or gossip about others?

When you are around people who are toxic, you may feel drained after interacting with them. This is because it is usually about them and their lives or problems, requiring you to give more than you receive.

Why Do We Keep Toxic Friends Around?

There are many reasons we stick it out with toxic friends. Fear is usually high on the list.

We fear cutting off toxic people because we have seen how they respond when others do not behave in the way the toxic person would like.

Toxic people often toe the line between being unhealthy friends and being downright bullies. It can be difficult to set boundaries with someone like this, knowing the consequences will likely take a heavy emotional toll.

We may have seen them become resentful, mean-spirited, or gossip and spread lies about others who didn’t comply with their expectations, and we worry that this may happen to us.

Toxic people often toe the line between being unhealthy friends and being downright bullies. It can be difficult to set boundaries with someone like this, knowing the consequences will likely take a heavy emotional toll.

Often, there are other fears involved. When someone has been in your life for a long time, there can be an underlying fear that you won’t find healthier friends. Ironically, these negative feelings about yourself can stem from having toxic people in your life who reinforce them.

In thinking through a relationship, you may also want to examine whether you are fulfilling a need to “save” this person from their negativity or their problems. This could be a huge red flag for you within not only your friendships, but also intimate relationships. If you see a pattern, it may be wise to do some further exploration with a counselor.

What Can We Do When We Identify a Toxic Person?

Toxic people don’t necessarily need to be cut from your life, especially if you are able to set good boundaries. Of course, this is dependent on your circumstances. If someone causes physical, emotional, or even financial harm to you, take steps to remove them from your life.

However, if you recognize a toxic person but decide to continue your friendship, you can take steps to improve your relationship with them. Again, setting good boundaries—being able to say “no” when you are asked to do something, or if something makes you uncomfortable—is important. This can help keep you from being manipulated or coerced into something you don’t want to do.

Direct communication is always a good idea. If your friend hurts you in some way, or if their behavior is unacceptable, you have the right to tell them so. You can also provide feedback to them when you feel they are unkind or unfair to others. If someone isn’t willing to treat you respectfully or listen to your views, you may want to reevaluate why you are in the relationship.

Finally, if you notice you are surrounded by unhealthy relationships, or see a pattern within your relationships that leads them to becoming toxic, you may want to reach out for support. This can help in recognizing and building healthier relationships, or with setting healthy boundaries.

Friendships are for those who bring value to our lives with support, trust, understanding, and authenticity. When our relationships don’t reflect these traits, it may be time to consider why.

Reference:

Paulhus, D. (2014). Toward a taxonomy of dark personalities. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23. 421-426. 10.1177/0963721414547737.

“With friends like these, who needs enemies?” —English proverb

Spring has finally arrived. For many, the arrival of spring means new beginnings and a time for cleaning out the clutter. It’s time to get rid of the old and make room for the new. Sometimes this mindset may include rethinking some of our relationships, particularly our friendships.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, healthy friendships and other positive social supports contribute significantly to our mental and emotional well-being. On the flip side, unsatisfying or destructive relationships can be quite harmful to our health.

In my practice, when I hear people describe hurtful and sometimes verbally vicious treatment coming from people they call “friends,” I often ask: “What about this friendship works for you?” The answer I most often hear in such cases is: “We have history” or “We’ve been friends since childhood.”

There are many wonderful perks of having a long history with someone, of course. These might include shared memories, inside jokes, not having to explain your stories over again, and (hopefully) an unconditional acceptance of who you are. But, like with all other relationships, as each person grows, they may also grow apart from people in their lives. [fat_widget_right]

Every relationship takes work. But when a friendship becomes more of an effort in maintenance than a source of joy—especially if the effort you put in is not reciprocated—letting go may be the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

So how do we know when it’s truly time to let a friendship go? Below are a few signs that can help provide guidance:

1. Your friends put you down.

“Pay close attention to anyone who does not clap when you win,” goes one saying. In other words, you might notice that each time you achieve something, your friend has something negative or discouraging to say. Or perhaps they try to one-up you with their own tales of achievements. These can both be red flags. A true friend will genuinely feel, or at least express, happiness when things go well for you. They will not only allow you your moment of glory, but they will also bask in it with you.

This also goes for the friend who talks about you behind your back. Beware of a person who always badmouths others. You may be next.

2. They put you last.

Between kids, partners, careers, aging parents, and sick relatives, we all have busy and complicated lives. Nonetheless, even the busiest of us try to make it a priority to nurture the relationships we value. We make time for those who matter.

When a friendship becomes more of an effort in maintenance than a source of joy—especially if the effort you put in is not reciprocated—letting go may be the most compassionate thing you can do for yourself.

Many of us have close, lifelong friends who we may not speak to for months or even years, but when we do, it feels as if no time at all has passed. What it really comes down to is how important you are to them. If you find yourself trying again and again to make an effort that is not returned in kind, it may be time to let that person go.

Whether returning calls, texts, emails, or telegrams, if you are important to someone, they will, at the very minimum, acknowledge you. If I truly value a friendship or a partnership, I make it a priority to not mess it up. And when I do make a mistake (I’m only human, after all) I make it a priority to repair it.

It’s easy to get tied up and lose focus in the busy times and varied challenges of life. The concern is when this becomes a pattern. Further, if your friend is one who carries their phone as if it were an appendage, checking it every five seconds, then they’ve probably seen your text. Interpret that as you will.

3. You only hear from them when they need something.

Say you have a friend who texts you to ask a question about something they need to know or ask for a favor and immediately replies to your response. Yet any time you reach out to them, it takes them days (or weeks!) to respond. This type of relationship is likely to eventually suck the energy out of you, in the best-case scenario. Worst case, if you are a person who struggles with self-worth, it runs the risk of perpetuating false beliefs of unworthiness. Make room for those who value you. Let go of those who only want what you can give them.

4. You’ve simply grown apart.

Most people have had friendships that worked well at one time because of commonalities or shared interests, such as work or school. Sometimes these friendships flourish beyond graduation or the ending of a job. However, those relationships may be based exclusively on those commonalities. If a relationship is not grounded in anything more substantial, and you find yourself having nothing to say or being unable to relate to the other person any longer, the relationship may have run its course. This process of growing apart is a natural part of life.

5. Misery is no longer your preferred company.

Everyone goes through highs and lows in life. Perhaps there was a particularly dark time in your life—for example, a period of intense self-destructiveness and self-hatred. Sometimes friendships that were formed during these times can make you feel stuck. If you didn’t feel so good about yourself at the time, you could have attracted those who felt the same way, both about themselves and you. After all, misery does love company.

Even if you are still struggling with issues of self-worth, you may have developed better tools to cope. For example, say you are actively working on self-love and self-compassion, but your friend tries to undermine these efforts. If this is the case, it may be time to move on, for the sake of your well-being. Misery loves company, but if you’ve reached a point in your life where you no longer want to be miserable, it’s probably time to let this friendship go.

These are only a few of the signs that your friendship may have gone on long past its expiration date. However, as is the case with any relationship, how the other person treats you and how you feel about yourself while in their company are often the best guides to determining if you have a relationship worth holding on to.

If you are still at a loss, you can simply ask yourself the following two questions:

1. Does this friendship feed me or deplete me?

2. If my goal is self-compassion and long-term happiness, will this relationship bring me closer to or further away from that goal?

An integral part of self-growth is letting go of what is no longer serving us. Unfortunately, this sometimes includes long-term friendships, as difficult as the thought of doing so may be. Anyone who has three, two, or even one really good friend who can be confidently relied upon should consider themselves lucky. When it comes to friendships, it is the quality rather than the quantity that makes the difference.

Deciding to let go of a friendship is never an easy decision. But if you pay attention to the signs listed above—and more importantly, to your heart—you will eventually know what to do. If you struggle to know whether a friendship is serving you, or want to work through any other issues related to friendship, I encourage you to reach out to a compassionate counselor who can offer support and guidance.