After a brief and shocking text message, your husband disappeared! Your letter describing these events leaves me feeling as confused as you undoubtedly were when you reached your husband, asked him where he was, and he told you that the two of you “were not blossoming.” You asked him what he meant and he didn’t explain; he simply repeated himself, as though he expected you to read his mind, to understand him and his behavior, with no discussion or meeting involved.

I wonder how long you were married. Also, was his appearance of “being happy and in love” an act entirely, or did he sometimes mean it when he told you he loved you? Were the “cute little videos” he sent you all a game? Is he a con man? Or does he have serious emotional problems?

I don’t know if you will ever be able to figure out what really happened, however much you keep trying. You were happy, you thought he was too—and then he vanished into thin air, leaving you to wonder if you even knew what was real and what wasn’t in your relationship. Who wouldn’t feel “heartbroken and confused”? I wonder if you might feel angry, too, over this callous treatment.

You say that you haven’t heard from him in over three months. I suppose if he were to turn up, you would want an explanation, at the very least, if you were even willing to see him at all, but I’m not sure he could ever say anything that would be adequate to explain what really happened, and then to make this up to you. It might, as you say, be a symptom of midlife crisis, but it is an extreme symptom.

You feel like a “disposable razor” that has been “tossed away.” Your husband seems to have tossed away his own life, too, and all that he shared with you, treating your relationship and you like a throwaway. The entire scenario sounds like something out of a mystery movie.

I’m not sure if you will ever figure this mystery out; what’s more important is where you will go next, how you will organize your life to make sure that you experience security as well as the joy that you deserve.

Are there other people in your life who you trust and have known for a long time? Do you feel that you can be real and safe with them? Will they offer you much-needed support? This experience with your disappeared husband is so unusual; you can almost bet that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Perhaps your best path would be to put this strange and painful experience behind you and travel toward a better and more secure future. It might be a good idea to join a therapy group or to work with someone individually to help you regain your self-confidence and ability to trust.

I wish you a safe, sound journey.

Take care,
Lynn

Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by “sarcastic” I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend. (Or if it’s taken as the latter even if you intend the former, by someone who doesn’t yet know you.)

Suspicion and negativity, too, can be used for self-protection, thus I make a very rough guess that perhaps there is a fear of being hurt. I’m wondering if you have been hurt by people in the past and are wary of trusting again? Or is there a crisis of confidence or self-esteem that might make you wary of allowing people to get to know you? (The fear of “once people really know me, they won’t like me” is very common.) I can assure you that everyone goes through such a challenge at one time or another; people who question their confidence or abilities are almost always harder on themselves than anyone else.

The other theme in your message is loneliness. When you say you have neither a best friend nor any friends, my heart twinged. Perhaps there’s some frustration and confusion there. Of course, I am highly biased given my profession, but this kind of conundrum—wanting to be safe while wanting to connect with others (who might potentially hurt or disappoint us)—is very common and precisely what a good psychotherapist would explore with you in a safe, productive manner. If my first deduction about self-protection is true, then it stands to inference that some past experience has left an emotional scar. I have a therapist friend who says that no one escapes trauma completely, that there is trauma with a big “T” and a little “t”. Even little t’s can make one wary of new relationships.

It also might be worth pausing to reflect about the negativity and sarcasm, which can be endearing or off-putting, depending on context. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by negativity. And if you’re being sarcastic about some pop-culture figure or the latest politician in trouble, for instance, that can be an icebreaker; if it’s about the host of the party, it could backfire. You may have a dry wit, for instance (which I always appreciate), but does it come across more cutting than you intend?

Here’s a little tip: People like to talk about themselves and what they do. Not because people are self-centered but because they’re looking to share their stories and, in many ways, reduce the isolation and loneliness you’re describing. To have another person actually interested in us and our experiences is reassuring. In fact, I’d say all of my clients struggle mightily with this issue; some modern psychologists believe loneliness and alienation is our culture’s biggest challenge. (Read Erich Fromm, Ernest Becker, or Viktor Frankl’s superb Man’s Search for Meaning if you’re interested in this.) In fact, I have found success socially—in spite of shyness—because I like to hear people’s stories and share a little of my own. As the old adage goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.” (It’s also a great way to get dates, by the way, provided the person allows equal air time.) It continues to amaze me how we humans have so much more in common, emotionally and psychologically, than we realize. We are all pretty much in the same cosmic boat.

I wish you the best of luck and would comfortably guess the problem is not as dire as it feels. And there’s no shame in getting a little help to iron out temporary challenges, which all of us have at one time or another. Thanks again for writing.

Sincerely,
Darren

Thank you for writing in and asking your question with such candor and openness. This is actually a much more common occurrence than is often realized. Freud famously remarked in his landmark book on dreams that sometimes conscious feelings and thoughts contained in one area of thought or activity can be a camouflage for a host of other unconscious feelings and desires. For instance, we’re frustrated with our kids or boss, and we take it out via honking at the driver who cuts us off. We feel unappreciated at home, so we strive harder for recognition at work. (These are very simple examples.)

I have found that sexuality often serves as a kind of “cover” for hard-to-articulate and/or unconscious desires or emotions that get expressed in our sexuality. One simple example of this is how our desire for emotional closeness and acknowledgement of our value becomes enwrapped in physical urges to be held, kissed, to give and receive affection, etc. Men especially seem to seek validation and expression of other emotional needs in sexuality, perhaps because vulnerable expression of emotions is not socially condoned. We haven’t found an acceptable way (yet) for men to express their feelings sensitively and still be masculine. To our detriment.

It’s a complicated issue you’re discussing, but the boiled-down version is that I would imagine your fantasy contains a number of different yearnings and emotional expressions. It’s interesting if you look at the specifics of your fantasy that basically you’re in control (by setting the terms of the relationship) of a scenario in which you have no control and are at the whim of your girlfriend’s desires and those of her outside partner(s). It would be interesting to explore (were I your therapist) what feelings and desires come up for you as you imagine these circumstances; do you feel special because your wife plays with others but comes home to you? Is there a tinge of self-punishment, a kind of eroticized denial which you remain the “author of” as the creator of the fantasy? Is there a sense of degrading yourself, or her, in that you are in a way persuading her to sleep with others? What is pleasurable here, or is there pleasure in the unpleasant?

Some psychologists believe that sexual fantasies are a way of making earlier trauma more “palatable,” a retelling or taking control of a painful previous trauma; those who suffered neglect or mistreatment may end up involved in imagined or actual S&M scenarios. Along these lines, there may possibly be pleasure in creating a sexual version of a scenario that was or is unconsciously quite painful. As the creator, you take control of the situation and the (possible) trauma expresses itself in a more palatable sexual way rather than as a painful memory. (This is all speculative of course, just patterns I have observed over the years. A man who feels underfed emotionally by his wife may fantasize about big breasts.)

My take on fantasies is that there is no problem with any of this, since no one can predict how the clever and resourceful psyche resolves conflicts via sexual expression. Where it can become problematic is if a rigidity or fixation enters in—i.e., someone who can only get turned on by being physically hurt, or by spanking their partner, or watching pornography or having two partners, etc. The problem, then, in my view (and this is only my view), is that it begins to limit our spontaneity and creativity in the actual relationship. It’s a must rather than a maybe, limiting possibility. Part of the dance of intimacy is the give and take of ideas between partners, the blend of two minds exchanging wishes, finding mutual expression. If a fantasy becomes a must rather than a what-if, it starts to take on a heaviness and an imposition and can obscure the vulnerability that expansive relationships require—and where, by the way, our desires change. Shorter version: Would enacting the scenario bring you two closer or drive you apart, and what is the ultimate priority? Only the two of you can answer, though I think that any insisting on sexual fulfillment as the ultimate aim has real potential to rigidify the transaction between you two.

When I work with clients on these kinds of issues, I first need to assess if they want to try and literally fulfill the fantasy, or explore what the fantasy might mean or symbolize to the person. I also look at the potential outcomes of acting it out. Also beware of one thing: Folks who act out role-specific fantasies are almost always disappointed. Sexual anticipation is hard to out-do. After the initial rush of excitement ebbs, as it must, it could become a compulsion to find a more “satisfying” version of the fantasy, something a little more risky, edgy and exciting—again, more of a demand than a want.

I find nothing at all morally wrong with your fantasy. It is entirely your choice, and you sound like two consenting adults. I just encourage you to think about consequences before proceeding, and try also to understand why your erection depends on this scenario. You want to fit your fantasy into your life rather than the other way around. Consider: Might your girlfriend end up resenting doing it? Might you feel disappointed if she doesn’t put her heart into it, or if you end up not liking it as much but she does and she wants to keep going? Would you be able to really “preserve what you have” with such an outcome? You may feel it’s worth it, but something tells me your psyche is trying to express something akin to a dream, which I bet would bear fruit were you to examine it and play with its possible meanings rather than literally carrying it out. If you choose the latter, I would just encourage you to do so with eyes open, given the ever-present possibility of unintended consequences.

Sincerely,
Darren

Thank you for sharing your personal story in such an open and heartfelt way. Adjusting to a new life with a permanent disability can be tremendously difficult, and it is made infinitely more difficult when you don’t get the kind of support that you are seeking from friends and family.

It sounds like life as you have always known it has changed quite dramatically since your injury. While the grieving process is usually associated with death, it is a natural part of healing from any loss, and you have certainly experienced a very real loss. It may be necessary for you to spend some time grieving the loss of the person you were before your injury. It sounds like prior to your injury you were a very independent person, and life after your injury has brought about some very real limitations to your independence. This would likely result in intense feelings of loss for anyone, but it might be even harder for you. I’m imaging that you became a fiercely independent person who is able to soothe, protect, and comfort yourself as a means of surviving the abuse you suffered as a child. Because these characteristics and skills allowed you to survive your childhood, the limitations to them might feel like a direct threat to your survival. These are some complex issues to sort through and it would likely be beneficial to partner with a therapist to help you with this.

The good news is, you are the same person who survived a physically and verbally abusive childhood. Your therapist can help you adapt some of the very same skills and abilities that enabled you to survive your childhood to help you survive the disability that has resulted from your injury. Through this process, you will likely develop a deep love and appreciation for the remarkable person that you are today. As you begin to have more positive feelings toward yourself, the negative thoughts will likely subside and connecting with others in an authentic way will be as natural as it once was for you.

Sincerely,
Sarah

Thank you so much for writing to GoodTherapy.org about this important and painful relationship issue. I appreciate your courage, your ability to reach out, and your clear and elegant portrayal of the consequences of child abuse.

You write that your partner was sexually abused for 10 years, from ages 5 to 15—I cannot imagine a more destructive atmosphere in which to grow up, unprotected and used by others, left to deal with the unthinkable all alone. I imagine that she must be suffused with feelings of shame, rage, and confusion. How lucky she is to have found you.

I am pleased that she is in treatment; this is a heroic step which not everyone is able to take, and perhaps your encouragement has helped her make it. As you say, treatment takes time, especially in an issue as difficult as this, a long-lasting experience of abuse and betrayal by the very people who were supposed to be most caring—her mother and her stepfather. I include her mother because I don’t imagine it possible that her mother did not at least suspect what was going on. Your partner was raised by people with deep emotional problems, who had no internal compass, sense of ethics, or the ability to perceive and respect boundaries.

Now she has finally found a caring, kind and respectful person—you—and you feel betrayed, too, as she breaks the boundaries of your relationship by acting in ways that imply she may be unfaithful. Now your boundaries are being trampled.

You mention that you became aware of her relationship with another person by discovering her online conversations. I suppose you felt suspicious, wondered what was going on, and went on the lookout to find the truth. Perhaps this extended to examining her private communications—a last resort, and one that probably should not have been taken.

Your suspicions about her infidelity are painful; you want to be reassured that she is faithful, and that she will be faithful. I know that when people grow up in abusive sexual relationships they tend to sexualize everything, since they were sexualized themselves. It’s painful to live in a world where sex rules, as she did when she was little, and sadly where you both find yourselves now.

Your position is very difficult. Your partner won’t apologize. She won’t admit that she is causing you pain, and you can’t make her stop, almost like living with an addict. You cannot control her behavior. The only thing you can do is understand where she is coming from and where you are coming from, too. It may take a very long time until she is able to have the kind of relationship with you that you want.

Confrontation doesn’t work, ignoring the situation doesn’t work, asking her to be faithful doesn’t work—you’ve tried everything. Is it possible to live openly together, each recognizing the life of the other with compassion and without trying to control the other? You each have to ask yourselves what it is that makes this relationship desirable, and if it is worth continuing. If so, can you both live with uncertainty, infidelity, or the appearance of infidelity?

The best way to find the answers to such difficult questions is couples therapy.

Good luck and warm wishes to you both.
Lynn

Well, obviously “just get over it” isn’t going to suffice. What a shockingly callous response to your very poignant and sincere request for reconciliation. I am very sorry you have had to endure this and that your husband is being (it seems) indifferent to your very understandable pain and heartbreak.

I guess the first question I have is this: Is your husband even open to any kind of reconciliatory process—or any process, period? If not, what will you do? I don’t suggest you rush to answer this question, because if he continues to dig in his heels, you may decide he is no longer able to reciprocate your love or take his commitment seriously. (As it is, his track record is pretty dismal.) In a fair world, he’d be begging you for forgiveness. What you need to do right now is take care of yourself; no good decision can be made under duress, and surely this situation is traumatic, as you say.

It sounds to me like you are hamstrung in terms of resources available to you. It is hard to imagine living in a place with no counseling available, but there we are. Would you be able to live with a friend or family member in a place that has affordable counseling, perhaps temporarily? (For instance, many universities offer free or low-cost counseling, as do many major American cities; Los Angeles, for example, has several top-notch training clinics.) It may seem like a radical step to remove yourself for a bit—if this is even possible—but I highly recommend doing so, so that you can find healing, consolation and support while deciding what you need to do. It also sends a necessary message to your husband, which is that you are serious about taking steps to change the state of affairs and are not ignoring the rather large elephant in the room. If he does not get such a message, he is likely to do so again, since he is either extremely self-centered or covering up his embarrassment or insecurity (or possible sex or love addiction) with bravado, neither of which is acceptable behavior in the kind of marriage I assume you want.

I’d recommend a couple of other things, the first being a book called After the Affair by Janice Spring; she is also the author of How can I Forgive You? Both deal with the very issues you are facing and are invaluable resources, offering some concrete suggestions as to what some next steps might possibly be.

Another resource can be found online via survivinginfidelity.com and infidelity.supportgroups.com. It is not, of course, the same as in-person counseling, but offers a way of reaching out to others and receiving much-needed feedback and support via the Internet.

Finally, you might explore the possibility of counseling via phone or Skype. These options will be delineated by whatever local laws govern telephone therapy in the area. For instance, in California, licensed therapists are not allowed to treat people who live out of state. (I think this is the case for most U.S. states, but I am not certain.) I don’t know what the “rules” are in England or Canada. You might see if you can locate a therapist who is legally permitted to provide services via telephone or Skype.

My keenest suggestion is for you to focus on your own needs because of the shock and disbelief that inevitably follows this discovery, to say nothing of the wear and tear on one’s self-esteem. I suppose a more “tough-minded” therapist might ask you why it’s OK for your husband to treat you like this, without you “throwing the bum out”; but I know from my own clinical experience that, however it may look to outsiders, it is very difficult to suddenly end a relationship with a loved one, no matter the betrayal. This often happens with those of us who come from families where betrayals and self-interest were the norm. Also, people generally have a hard time believing that a loved one could be so disloyal and self-serving at the cost of our own feelings and trust; such betrayals often do lead to numbness or dissociated pain—which is precisely why I think it’s important to connect with your own feelings and experience before making any big decisions on what you need from your husband as a bottom line. Be wary of the usual impulse to try and understand “why” this happened … i.e., why did he do this, why so dishonest, why did I not catch it sooner, why can’t I draw a line in the sand, why does he disrespect me, etc. I think that question is less important than: What do I need now from him to feel safe and loved again? What feels right to you, intuitively? It may take an experienced counselor to help connect you to that intuition, given the tumult, but at the center of all of your swirling thoughts and feelings is a quiet, inarguable truth.

If your husband continues to rebuff your need for recommitment and for him to understand the damage he has caused, and continues to act like he could care less how you feel (a behavior that is atrociously immature and self-centered, in my view), you may have to consider the unthinkable: separate or leave for good. Painful and frightening as that may sound, the other option is worse: continue to live with betrayals, secrets, and a growing estrangement from a partner who for whatever reason is not able or willing to act like one. This only robs you of the time and reciprocated love you surely deserve, and which can never be replaced. (And, difficult though it may appear, I do believe living alone is better than discarding one’s basic needs for reciprocity, honesty, and respect in a long-term relationship.)

I leave you with the assurance that you are having a very normal and understandable reaction to a shocking discovery. You are being more than fair in what you are asking from your husband. I wouldn’t even fault you for deciding things have been broken beyond repair. But take your time in figuring out what you need from him. Get the help you need in order to support the very difficult task of finding the courage to do what you need to do if your husband will not do the human thing in reciprocating your fidelity, loyalty, and love.

Kind regards,
Darren

Thank you for writing in with such a rich and complex question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a simple yes-or-no answer. As is often true with relationships, it is a bit more complicated than that. I can, however, suggest some areas for you to explore as you consider your next steps.

First, I would encourage you to explore why you are having such difficulty accepting the fact your boyfriend already has children. This would give many people pause. Relationships can be quite complicated when only two people are involved—each person brings his or her own unique goals, dreams, and expectations, as well as wounds from previous relationships. Negotiating all of this can be challenging. Add three children and their mother to the mix and things can get very complicated, very quickly. But the question for you is, how are you experiencing this? How do you feel about his children? Do you get along well with them or is there a lot of tension between you? Are you concerned about whether your boyfriend will want to have children with you, given he already has three of his own? If he does want to have children with you, are you worried that it won’t mean as much to him as it does to you, as a first-time parent? Are you interested in being a mother at all? Did you envision motherhood coming later in your life? What will your role with his three children be and what are your thoughts and feelings on that role? Sit with these questions, allow others to arise, and be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. It might be a good idea to partner with a therapist who can facilitate a thorough exploration of these issues and support you in the process.

Once you have gained greater clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the fact your boyfriend is already a father, it seems that the next step is to talk to him. Share with him what arose for you in your exploration of this very serious issue. If you do choose to stay in this relationship, it will be essential to be able to have difficult conversations with him about his children and how you feel about them, and about how they impact your relationship. If you don’t choose to stay in the relationship, you will likely need to have another kind of difficult conversation about why you are leaving the relationship. A therapist could be very valuable in helping you prepare for these conversations and in processing the outcomes.

Thank you again for writing in with a question that surely resonates with many. I wish you courage in the process of sorting this out and peace with whatever choice you make.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Thank you so much for your question, Distracted. First of all, for the purposes of grammar and keeping it simple I’m going to assume you are male, while understanding you could just as easily be female (since this problem affects more women than previously thought). Second, I know you’re very bright because you are doing something to address this serious issue at a relatively young age. Most people I treat in my practice ignore the problem until it reaches a breaking point, and even then they struggle and resist really making any changes (i.e. even after their divorce or business falls apart). So congratulations for having the smarts and courage to address it now!

The first thing I would do, and this probably will not shock you coming from a therapist, is to see a therapist, at least for a consultation. (If possible, you could do so without telling your parents first; if money is an issue, see if a local therapist who specializes in addictions will see you for a low-cost consultation or a phone conversation, since most therapists will do 15 to 20 minutes on the phone for free; you can do so with the understanding that you may become a client if parental support is given, etc. The first topic could be how to pay for the treatment or break the news to your parents. This of course may not be an issue, but often is.)

Addiction is interrelated with all kinds of other issues, including anxiety, stress, relationships with peers and opposite sex, sexuality (of course), and even family relationships. In a way, the behavior itself is but a symptom of issues lurking beneath the surface. Stopping the “symptom” behavior is much easier once you are getting emotional support and guidance for internal conflicts. You’ll probably want to put a strong filter on your computer, and allow a good friend or family member to set the password. (Try not to expect total success the first time you try to stop; it usually takes time and numerous tries, just don’t give up.) I also recommend finding nondestructive ways to relax, such as meditation, exercise, yoga, socializing with friends, some way to relax and distract your mind from cravings to “act out” with porn. Remember that every craving has a beginning, middle, and end. Each time you have a craving and don’t look at porn, you get a little bit stronger over your addiction.

I encourage you to find some kind of group support. Sometimes religious or civic centers (church or synagogue, YMCA, boys clubs, etc.) have support groups for teens struggling with a variety of things, including addictions. You can probably even find some online support, but the point is to try and take the shame out of the problem by relating to others with the same problem, since you are not alone. There have been scores of media stories lately about the epidemic of online addiction of one type or another, porn addiction being one. (Just look on YouTube for some recent ABC News stories on this.) Again, I think it’s great you’re facing the problem now. Because it really doesn’t just “go away” unless you address it.

You could also check online for local sex-addiction-recovery meetings (Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sex/Love Addicts Anonymous) and call the meeting chairman (or chairwoman) to see if they know of any local support for folks your age. Some cities are now offering at least one weekly meeting for teens struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors; alternately, you could check with whichever therapist you speak with if there are therapy groups for teens which address this issue. Group therapy can be even more helpful than individual therapy for certain issues (like addiction) and is cheaper than one-on-one treatment. You could even start your own group or meeting somewhere, advertising it anonymously. I recommend a couple of good books: In the Shadows of the Net by Patrick Carnes and The Porn Trap by Wendy & Larry Maltz, both of which offer insight and practical advice on facing this addiction.

Finally, I know of several residential-treatment centers that work with teens and behavioral addictions. You can e-mail me via this website if you want more information on that. It may sound extreme, but sometimes an intensive approach really jump-starts one’s recovery and results in a new “toolkit” to fight such an insidious malady. Plus, it allows you to develop friendships with those with whom you can relate and identify, which can be invaluable in terms of support and encouragement.

Again, thank you so much for writing, and I commend you for taking that scary but necessary first step, which is saying, “I need help, now what?” Too many people with this problem never do.

Kind regards,
Darren

Thank you for writing in with such a great question. When it comes to the oft elusive quest for a partner to build a life with, what makes sense intellectually can begin to feel much more complicated in a hurry. You mention feeling overprotective and possessive in your relationship. While it can feel really scary to make yourself vulnerable, it might be a good idea to talk to your partner about what you are feeling. In a relationship, discussing hopes and dreams, as well as fears and insecurities, can be very effective in building intimacy and fostering a strong bond. Imagine how you might feel if you learned your partner was struggling with some fears and insecurities of his/her own. Imagine how you might feel if your partner expressed how much you were loved and valued and compassionately alleviated your fears. It is possible that opening up a conversation about how you are feeling in the relationship might just produce these responses and increase the connectedness between you.

For many people, initiating a conversation like this with their partner can feel more than a little uncomfortable—it can feel completely overwhelming, perhaps even impossible. If you find yourself somewhere on this spectrum, you might find it beneficial to talk to a therapist. My belief, which is backed up by a growing body of research, is that much of the change that therapy produces is a result of the therapeutic relationship that develops between the client and the therapist. Therapy can be very effective in helping people work on relationship issues, in part because the therapy relationship allows you to participate in a safe, strong, and healthy relationship. Therapy affords you the opportunity to learn, develop and practice relationship skills in a safe setting and offers continued support as you begin to implement these skills outside of your sessions.

In addition to mastering relational skills, therapy can also offer a safe space for you to take a look at yourself and the health of your relationship. Sometimes when people are feeling overprotective and possessive in their relationships, it can be an indicator that they lack the confidence and self-esteem to believe that they are worthy of the relationship that they are in. If this is the case, therapy can be invaluable in helping you learn to truly love and accept yourself and to know that you are worthy of love. Sometimes overprotective and possessive feelings in a relationship can be indicators that the relationship is not a healthy one—maybe your partner has given you real reasons to not believe he/she is trustworthy. As an objective third party, whose sole responsibility is to you and your well-being, a therapist can also offer insight into the health of a relationship.

Committed, healthy relationships can offer a sense of partnership, comfort, support, and myriad other benefits; however, they also require hard work and an ability to look at yourself, your partner, and the relationship in ways that can be uncomfortable.

Kind regards,
Sarah

There’s a saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” That’s only half right. It’s true that sticks and stones are bone crushers, but cruel words crush your spirit and cause serious injury to your self-esteem and even to your sense of who you really are. I don’t know if the bullying you endured in school was verbal, physical, or a combination, but the experience of being bullied leaves painful layers of fear, shame, and rage. I was bullied when I was in junior high school, and I can still remember a few incidents, although they lost their sting long ago.

You write that you are blocking painful memories. That’s a strategy that keeps you from being conscious of pain, and you say you are good at it—doesn’t that mean that you have powerful internal strengths? Not every single detail needs to be dredged up.

Therapy is an organic process. People often say they are blocked, which implies that there is a block or a brick wall or something and it must be broken or smashed down. I think that with time and empathic attention this wall will slowly crumble, and the memories that you are looking for will emerge. Meanwhile the strength that is part of you will become more available and you will be energized to try the new, exploring and developing your beautiful life.

Your decision to seek therapy to get over those painful school experiences is a good one, and I salute your courage. You have to be brave to start therapy. You need a lot of stick-to-itiveness too, because therapy takes time, commitment, and persistence.

What makes a bully? Most of the time, bullies learned their behavior from people who bullied them, who treated them violently and taught them to see the world as a dangerous and awful place, where you have to be aggressive to protect yourself.

Bullying behavior is pernicious and should be stopped. Making room in our society where people can speak freely about their feelings to other people who are able to listen with sympathy will help us all to reflect and act wisely and so there will be fewer bullies, which is good for everybody.

Your openness when you speak to your therapist and write to Good Therapy will spread positive energy around. My heart goes with you.

Take care,
Lynn

Thank you for writing in with this very thoughtful question; you raise some important therapeutic issues that deserve to be addressed. Before getting to your question, I would just like to acknowledge your courage and perseverance. Despite the frustrations you have with your therapist, you are still willing to go in week after week to work on the issues that you are struggling with. It sounds like only 1 year ago, you were at a point of such despair and desperation that you nearly ended your life. Today, however, you are so committed to your healing that you are regularly working with a psychiatrist on the medicinal aspects of your treatment and also working very hard in your therapy sessions.

To be honest, Kevin, when I read your question, I cringed at the thought of your therapist routinely starting your sessions 15 minutes late and ending early. The therapy hour is a very precious one and one that should be reserved for you and only you—it is your time, period. Of course, a session right before yours might run a little late every once in a while, but this should not be a weekly occurrence, and when it does happen, the time you lost at the beginning of the hour should be added on to the end of the hour. As for her lack of active participation in your sessions, this could be a result of her training and the approach she takes in her work—some approaches to therapy call for therapists to remain detached from their clients. The rationale for this detachment tends to be rooted in a desire to maintain therapeutic boundaries; your therapist’s disregard for the start and stop times of sessions, however, runs contrary to a focus on therapeutic boundaries.

One thing that seems clear from your question is that you like your therapist and you appreciate the time and space offered by your sessions to work on healing. This tells me that a good therapeutic relationship has developed between the two of you during the year that you have been working together. I hope that the combination of this therapeutic relationship and the courage that you so clearly bring to therapy will allow you to talk to her about the issues you raised. They are absolutely legitimate issues and very worthy of discussing with her.

It can be anxiety provoking, and even frightening, to think about having this kind of conversation with your therapist—you even mention not wanting to insult her. However, for many people, maybe even most, a significant part of therapy is learning how to have fair, direct conversations aimed at getting their needs met, while being open to hearing the other side of the situation. What better place to practice this kind of conversation than within the safety of the therapeutic relationship? Hopefully, she will be open to hearing what you have to say and will be willing to work with you on these issues. If she is not, it might be in your best interest to consider looking for a therapist who is a better fit for you.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Hello, thank you for writing. First of all let me say that you sound like a very supportive, caring partner. You are not “doing” anything to make the situation worse; if anything, you are supporting your husband and trying very valiantly to be understanding. You are acting quite gracefully under pressure, I think.

Addiction is self-diagnosed, which makes it something of an anomaly. But only the actual person doing the behavior can say yes or no as to whether they truly have an addiction. However, I am hearing some red flags that make me think what your husband is experiencing is in the ballpark, or somewhere along the spectrum. (Just as someone who drinks heavily every weekend may not be a full-blown alcoholic but does show tendencies.) So let me just suppose for a moment that we’re talking about either a compulsion or something on the “addictive spectrum.” Treating it like an addiction is probably most helpful to address the problem behaviorally and emotionally, even if it is more like an addictive “pattern” or low on the scale. (Just like cancer, if you have a low-stage problem, you want to address it sooner rather than later!)

So, having made this caveat, I’ll start by saying that, addictive/compulsive behaviors affect the entire family. If you consider addiction an illness (which I do), then it wouldn’t be surprising for you to be feeling stress; just imagine if your husband had another type of illness, like depression, or an anxiety disorder, then of course you would be strongly affected. You’re only human.

And of course you’re going to have strong feelings about something as intimate as sex; sexuality is extremely private and intimate, and your partner is engaging in behaviors that are probably pretty puzzling. He knows it hurts you, and it probably hurts him, too, yet it continues. How strange is that?! This is the tragedy of these kinds of behaviors; the person engaging in them truly does not mean to hurt anyone, but it ends up doing just that.

There is nothing you can do to stop your husband from doing this. You can support his efforts to get help and tell him how it affects you (which I encourage), or you can suggest and support his taking proactive measures (group support, therapy, spiritual counseling, psychiatry, etc.), but you cannot “do” anything that will get him to take decisive action. You can drive him to a therapist’s office, but you cannot go in and talk for him. In fact, it’ll only make things worse if you try to act “for” him. It’s up to him to want to get help; if he doesn’t, then feel free to let him know how that hurts and/or concerns you.

The bad news is, those struggling with addiction cannot stop on willpower alone—usually. The other bad news is that this will most likely not just “go away” or get better on its own. The good news is, both of you can be proactive. There are resources out there that are very helpful if one makes use of them. I find both partners need support in a situation like this. Your husband sounds like a good guy who wants to do the right thing, but his compulsive urges have hijacked his nervous system and decision-making processes. (Addictive or compulsive urges or impulses override the “executive” functioning and logical part of the brain, in favor of more primal, fear-based mechanisms; this is not a choice, it just is. Good therapy and other professional help can help redirect those urges and feelings into healthier behaviors.)

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Most importantly, I urge you to get help for yourself, for your own stress and anxiety and confusion. I would at least try some one-on-one therapy. So often, partners are more upset about this than they’re even conscious of, until they start talking about it. Also, “the problem” takes up so much room that there’s little left for the partner’s issues or feelings, which seem “so trifling” in comparison with the big, dramatic issues (behaviors). But your feelings about all this are crucial and need to be heard. This is why I urge partners of those who are struggling to start with their own therapy for a month or two before seeking couples counseling.

This is not a hard and fast rule by any means, just a suggestion. The reason is, you likely need a safe place to vent about your frustration, sadness, anger, etc., stuff you might want to process or expunge before facing your husband. Without support, we often stuff hurtful feelings until we explode and then ruminate with guilt, then stuff it again, become resentful, or withdraw/withhold (isolate), and the cycle continues. Thus I suggest seeking out a therapist who understands addiction and can empathically educate you on what you can and can’t do for your husband and what might or might not be helpful to support yourself and to just listen openly to your experience. Having a witness to all this, to confirm, validate, and empathize, will likely help a lot.

I also recommend seeking out, either in person or online, a support group such as S-Anon, which provides group education and support to partners of those who struggle with sexual compulsivity. I will provide a link at the end of this paragraph that takes you to their main website, which offers general information, literature, meeting info, and so forth. It is a very valuable resource: http://www.sanon.org/

Al-Anon is another terrific resource if no S-Anon meetings are available in your area. True, al-Anon is technically for partners of alcoholics, but if you attend a meeting you can always say someone you know “might be an addict” and you’ll be welcomed. (Try a few meetings in either program before deciding to stay with it or not; some are better than others.) Of course, your participation in all of this is completely anonymous. (Sometimes folks say, “I can’t go because I don’t want to embarrass my spouse.” You don’t have to say it’s your spouse with the problem, in fact you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. )

I commend you for writing; it is a brave first step and takes courage. Clearly you are a caring person and want to do right by your husband and your marriage. Taking care of yourself will help both of you; it’s good role modeling, first of all, and we always make better decisions and communicate more clearly when we are feeling supported and taken care of. Whatever you do, try not to “figure it out” alone. Addiction (or afflictions that are similar) create isolation and fragmentation in families and marriages and are unbearably painful. Connecting with another human who provides help and an open ear, and heart, can be an invaluable way to start to feel like yourself again. I wish you the best of luck finding solution, and thank you again for writing.

Kind regards,
Darren