Siblings may have very different personalities, and they are thrown together and forced to work out their disagreements for years. This presents a great opportunity for them to learn communication and conflict resolution skills. It can also be deeply frustrating to both parents and their children. Sometimes, sibling rivalry constitutes a unique form of bullying that can affect a child for many years. Knowing how to deal with sibling rivalry can make parenting less stressful and help parents provide a safe and supportive environment for all their children.
Living with another person can be difficult. There are often possessions to fight over, and children may argue over limited resources. Just as some bickering among roommates who did not choose one another is inevitable, so too is some level of disagreement between siblings.
Although most parents of multiple children report some degree of sibling rivalry, the roots of said rivalry can differ between families. Most analysts suggest a competition for parental love and approval often play a central role. Some factors that may increase sibling conflict include:
Some research suggests that younger children may engage in sibling rivalry more often than adolescents. Children between the ages of 3 and 7 have high rates of conflict, disagreeing an average of 3.5 times an hour.
Sibling rivalry can be a chronic source of frustration for parents, as they may feel that they spend most of their time mediating conflicts. This increases the stress and exhaustion of parenting. Constant conflict can also make it difficult to spend meaningful time with children, either together or separately. Some parents struggle to remain calm or patient in the face of intense rivalry. Others worry that the rivalry will negatively affect their children at school, with friends, or in adulthood.
The effects of rivalry on children vary. In the moment, an argument with a sibling can be stressful and frustrating, particularly when a child feels that a parent favors their sibling or does not care about their needs.
Sibling rivalry is common, but not all forms of sibling rivalry are normal or healthy. Sometimes sibling rivalry becomes a form of abuse. A 2013 study that analyzed data from the National Survey of Children’s Exposure to Violence found that sibling assaults are common. Rates of violence were highest among children who were less than 2 years apart. Among this group, 40.9% reported being physically assaulted during the past year, and 7.7% reported either being assaulted with a weapon or being injured.
Chronic physical violence, particularly when one child is usually the victim and the other child is usually the perpetrator, can be traumatic. Chronic sibling violence may increase a child’s risk of posttraumatic stress (PTSD), depression, anxiety, difficulties at school or with friends, and relationship problems in adulthood.
Conversely, sibling rivalry also confers some benefits. Siblings teach one another social skills. Early conflict resolution skills can prepare a child for the many conflicts of adulthood, as well as the challenges of living with other people, such as roommates or spouses. A 2013 study found that fifth graders without siblings had more social skills deficits, even five years after entering school. This trend suggests managing conflicts with siblings continues to confer significant social benefits even after a child enters school and spends daily time with other children.
Sibling rivalry is common, but not all forms of sibling rivalry are normal or healthy.
“While many parents tend to overlook it as ‘normal’ when siblings treat each other poorly, sibling rivalry can have a negative impact on mental health that can last a lifetime. Sibling rivalry should be viewed by parents as being potentially as harmful as ‘bullying,’” explains Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a family therapist in Oregon who often works with families to manage sibling rivalry and other conflicts.
“One thing parents can do is make ‘needs’ rather than ‘fairness’ the foundation for decisions,” Williams continues. “We tend to think of fairness as treating everyone the same, but in fact, fairness is treating everyone based on what they need. Parents would be serving their children well to teach this concept.”
A 2012 study of a novel intervention for sibling rivalry echoes these sentiments, pointing to the importance of fostering a collaborative relationship between siblings. That study tested 12 after-school activities that taught siblings how to communicate in a collaborative, positive fashion. By encouraging siblings to see themselves a part of a team, researchers were able to improve how siblings felt about each other.
Some other strategies that may help include:
Children who accuse a parent of favoritism often feel genuinely distressed about the experience. So parents should not dismiss their concerns—even if the parent does not have a favorite. Instead, focus on what the child is feeling and how you can help ease those emotions.
Some questions to ask include:
Some strategies for managing allegations of favoritism include:
Family therapy can help families manage many forms of sibling rivalry. It’s never too early or too late to give therapy a try. Therapists can help even with minor sibling rivalry. Some signs that a family should consider therapy include:
The right therapist can help each family member talk about their feelings. They can then support the family to develop a sibling rivalry management plan that everyone can live with. GoodTherapy can help you find a family therapist here.
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