Thank you for your message and for having the courage to reach out. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage has run into some challenging times. I hope this message will prove useful and will help you find some solutions.
When partners seem to lose interest, it is natural for the other party to feel as though perhaps it has something to do with them. While that may be the case in some situations, it is not always that way. Often, it may have absolutely nothing to do with the partner.
There are many reasons people might lose interest in sexual activity—work stress, financial trouble, and physical issues are just a few possible reasons. Before assuming that your husband is no longer sexually interested in you, consider that there may be something else going on.
The first question that comes up for me is whether your husband might be experiencing some erectile dysfunction issues that may be getting in the way of his sexual interest/willingness. If that is the case, he may be embarrassed and masking it with anger. For some men, the loss of the ability (or decreased ability) to function sexually is a significant blow to their masculinity. Of course, I have no idea if this is the case, but it is worth considering. There may be any number of other causes. Sometimes, people lose interest in sexual contact with their partner if the partner changes his or her physical appearance, hurts them deeply, or if they feel somehow unsafe in the marriage. As you can see, the possibilities for why your husband may not be interested in sexual contact right now are many, and until you do some exploration, you may not have the answer you’re seeking.
My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on.
My suggestion to you is that you step into a place of compassion and understanding, and with gentle curiosity ask your husband if he can set aside the anger and talk to you about what is going on. Let him know that you love him and want to meet him where he is but you must know what’s happening with him. Let him know that you are not judging him, not taking it personally, and simply want to understand so you can know how to proceed.
If he remains unwilling to talk, you may want to consider seeking out a therapist who can help you decide what steps to take next.
When you approach your husband, be sure to do it at a neutral time. Whatever you do, don’t approach him right after he refuses sex, because that is a high-tension time. I suggest you set a time with him, a few days or even a week in advance, when you can talk. If you both work and have stressful weeks, maybe choose a weekend time. When the time comes, sit down in a quiet place, free of distractions, and begin the discussion. If things get heated or tense, it’s always OK to take a brief “timeout” to cool down and come back to it. With a difficult topic like this one, it may take a few tries to discuss it fully, but a peaceful and satisfying resolution will be worth the effort.
However, you know your situation better than I do. The shouting you mention is concerning. If you ever feel unsafe with your husband or have any indication he could be physically violent, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and/or finding a safe place to stay, at least until things calm down.
Good luck,
Lisa
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