When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. According to the CDC, roughly 50% of American children will witness their parents’ divorce, with the divorce rate in the United States at 2.9 divorces per 1,000 people. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.
It is also important to acknowledge that not all marriages provide a healthy environment for children. High-conflict or unstable relationships, especially those marked by chronic hostility, emotional withdrawal, substance misuse, infidelity, or abuse can negatively affect children’s emotional security and development. In these situations, divorce may represent not only a disruption, but also a transition away from an environment that was already causing harm. Understanding this distinction can help parents approach the process with greater clarity and intention.
Honoring parental responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.
Red Flags for Children
When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Research has shown that children exposed to divorce may experience disruptions in educational outcomes and social adaptation, with consequences including lower academic achievement, diminished self-confidence, and the emergence of behavioral issues. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing. However, many researchers emphasize that these challenges are often closely tied to the level of conflict, instability, or distress present in the home before and during the divorce process, rather than the legal separation itself.
In fact, children who grow up in high-conflict households may show improvements in well-being once conflict is reduced, even if that reduction comes through separation or divorce. This highlights that the quality of the family environment, both before and after divorce, plays a critical role in how children adjust.
Compared to children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents have more behavioral and emotional problems, obtain lower academic test scores, and have more problems with social relationships. However, research studies consistently indicate that divorce has few lasting effects on children’s mental health or performance in school for many children, particularly when parental conflict is low and supportive relationships are maintained. What is most notable about children of divorce is their resilience, their successful coping despite life’s difficulties.
So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.
When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance. Structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children’s psychological problems.
Consistency Is Key
It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.
Just as important as consistency is the reduction of conflict. Ongoing tension, hostility, or communication breakdowns between parents, whether married or divorced, can be more distressing for children than the structural changes that come with separation. Minimizing children’s exposure to conflict should remain a central priority.
Research shows that high levels of consistent and effective discipline may promote adaptive coping processes by enhancing children’s sense of the predictability of their environments. The consistent occurrence of expected consequences for misbehaviors may promote a sense of control, which could lead to higher levels of active coping and coping efficacy and lower levels of avoidant coping.
Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.
Consistency in schedules and rules makes life less stressful for everyone. Once parents agree on a plan for spending time with their children, they do well to stick to it religiously. Children want to know where they are going to be at what times, and while a change or delay may seem small to a parent, it can be a big deal to a child.
Taking on New Parenting Roles
New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.
When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.
Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Research shows that Disneyland parenting often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce, where indulging a child may function as a kind of misguided apology. This reinforces the idea for the child that the divorce was a terrible thing that happened to them, rather than building their resilience by teaching them that we all live through difficult things and have the ability to move on. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.
Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. This practice of overcompensating is a natural reaction for parents to feel the need to make up for time missed with their child, but it needs to be identified and corrected because the long-term effects can be destructive to the relationship with their kids or their relationship with their other parent. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison.
Parent-child relationships characterized by warmth, supportiveness, effective problem-solving skills, positive communication, and low levels of conflict and negativity are consistently associated with fewer negative outcomes related to mental health and with more positive outcomes related to social adaptation following a separation or divorce. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.
Children need love, but they also need discipline. Each household needs a few clear and reasonable rules about such things as bedtimes, responsibilities, and appropriate behavior, and parents should expect these rules to be followed. No means no, and parents make a big mistake if they let their guilt turn no into “maybe not.” A positive focus is the best way to discipline, with praising children for doing things right working much better than criticizing children for doing things wrong.
Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected—and it often follows a period of significant strain within the family system. While the process brings its own challenges, it can also create space for reduced conflict and healthier patterns of interaction. If parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator. Mediation potentially benefits children by lowering conflict, improving parenting, and encouraging both parents to remain an active presence in their children’s lives, with one randomized trial demonstrating these positive outcomes.
When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.
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