Many little girls grow up dreaming of being in a fairy tale relationship, being swept off their feet by the perfect gentleman and living happily ever after. As boys get older, they, too, can develop idealistic thoughts about becoming someone’s knight in shining armor. Although Cinderella and Prince Charming’s enduring love story may be the stuff of fantasy, trying to create perfection in a real-life relationship can backfire.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Fairy tale fantasies often serve a protective function. When love feels uncertain, imagining perfection can temporarily soothe anxiety, even if it ultimately increases pressure on the relationship.”
Modern social media platforms have amplified these fairy tale expectations, with couples constantly exposed to curated “relationship goals” content that can create unrealistic standards for their own partnerships. Research shows that women who endorse fairy-tale ideas about romance and marriage tend to have less relationship satisfaction and a more negative sense of psychological well-being.
When we fall in love, we want to be on our best behavior, look our best, and show our partner how much they mean to us. This is perfectly normal. As love develops and grows, it is also normal to expect love to change and evolve into a maturity and grace that allows for some imperfections to begin to show through.
Over time, all relationships weather ups and downs and highs and lows. Nobody’s perfect, and no partners are perfect together all the time. But in the quest for the “perfect” relationship, sometimes we expect more from our partner than is reasonable. This can mean nobody’s happy.
Recent research published in Frontiers in Psychology describes perfectionism as a “destructive factor” in relationships, with studies showing that high perfectionistic standards for a partner exacerbate stress, burnout and conflict.
Perspective is important in relationships. In that spirit, you might want to check your expectations if you expect your partner to:
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When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real.
When we are obsessed with the idea of a perfect relationship, we tend to work very hard to maintain what we think is “right” and “correct” without objective balance. We want to present to the world how solid and strong our love is by metaphorically riding off into the sunset. However, the idea of never having challenges and struggles is unrealistic and disingenuous. If the pattern of portraying perfection in your relationship becomes obsessive and intrusive, it may be time to seek help from a therapist.
Obsessive thoughts may be grounded in our own fear. We all fear abandonment and hurt, but some of us have a stronger inclination to create a sense of security. Mental health research shows that fear of abandonment can drive maladaptive behaviors and create chronic feelings of emptiness that further complicate relationships.
To begin loosening the grip on the compulsion to be “perfect” in relationships, try the following strategies:
The obsessional quality of perfection is that it is relentless! There is not much room in a fairy tale-like relationship for arguments, hurt feelings, forgotten promises, and repair—the trials all meaningful relationships go through (and typically emerge stronger for) at one point or another. When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real. There may not be a perfect relationship, but a healthy one, in which two people can love, learn, and grow together, might be as good as it gets.
Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. They are repair-capable. The presence of disagreement is not a failure of love, but an opportunity for growth.”
If you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts about relationship perfection or experiencing significant distress about your romantic relationships, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can provide personalized guidance and support.
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