Thank you for writing such a thoughtful and detailed letter. As a result of your painful loss, you’ve touched on some very important issues that many people could benefit from.

It may help to know that you’re not alone. Actually, it’s not at all uncommon for people to “fall in love” with their therapists. The 2 words you used to describe this process – attachment and transference – are accurate and very important in understanding how and why therapy works. Years of research about the effectiveness of psychotherapy have shown remarkably consistent results: The single most important factor in good therapy outcomes is the supportive, accepting and empathic relationship between client and therapist.

Your love for your therapist is perfectly understandable. I remember the love, even infatuation, I felt for the therapist I saw when I was in graduate school over 30 years ago. Many people fall in love with their therapists – it’s the very nature of attachment in human relationships. Modern brain science actually shows us how this happens. Our brains are actually hard wired for a deep level of emotional attachment to others. A healthy emotional attachment means that we have a deep level of trust, closeness, and feelings of affection toward someone. In a good therapy relationship we feel seen and heard – deeply understood and cared for.

Is it also possible that you “transferred” (referencing your accurate use of the word transference) your unmet needs, possibly from childhood, onto your therapist? That would also be a very common experience for people in therapy. In that way, we have an opportunity to “work through” or even resolve past emotional trauma or childhood emotional injuries due to abandonment or abuse. We’ve also learned from modern brain science that we heal old emotional injuries neurologically, partly as a result of this kind of close, caring relationship.

It sounds like you did accomplish some very important work in therapy. You mentioned how it helped with your shame and with some major life changes. This was, indeed, a successful therapy outcome. It was also unfortunate that you did not have the opportunity to work through the dependency issues you experienced with this therapist. I can certainly understand how this kind of ending – referred to as “termination” in therapy lingo – would be very painful without adequate preparation.

I would encourage you to continue with your therapy. This new therapist may be just what you need, as you indicate in your question. With some distance from your previous therapist, you have the opportunity to learn and grow by exploring your feelings about her, and how those feelings may connect back to earlier life experiences and relationships. After all, it is true that, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, we are more likely to learn and grow from real emotional pain.

Should you mourn this devastating loss? Absolutely. Should you move on with your life? Yes again. However, there is no single correct answer to the question of how to do this. If you decide to take a break from therapy, the emotional pain may recede, and you may have a new perspective over time. If you continue with your new therapist, the rawness of the pain may actually provide you a more immediate reality to heal and grow from. After all, relationships have an unfortunate tendency to result in frustration, disappointment and lots of emotional pain. The good news is that while we are injured in relationships, we are often healed in relationships, and they can bring us much joy and a new awareness that can enrich our lives.

I wish you all the best on your journey.
Richard

I understand your dilemma. She wants to leave; he can’t understand that she is leaving and can’t let go. This is a painful situation for couples. It leaves both in anguish; she feeling responsible for hurting her mate, he in disbelief as if he’s living a nightmare and he can’t wake up.

Here is what I recommend:

1. Be present and help the couple to become aware of the difficulty of this situation. Create an awareness that helps them understand that there are no bad guys in this situation and there is a lot of pain. There is likely a reservoir of some compatibility between the two that could include kindness and caring. This is what you focus on as you remind the couple that they can be good to each other even as they separate.
2. I often see one or both of the people in the couple individually to work on certain issues that come up during counseling. I would see the man individually. During the sessions I would work on helping him identify his support network outside the marriage. This could include work, extended family or friends. I would investigate how he functions without his wife. Get him to identify his hobbies, vocations, sports, exercise, clubs and interests.
3. I would prepare the husband to talk with his wife again about her leaving. I would have a session where each says what they need to say. If ending the marriage is the preferred outcome I would help move the separation along gently with a soft questioning of what the wife intends to do. This must be done with love and care, delivered with the utmost of respect. No judgment, no opinion, no expression other than total positive regard during this session. Allow time for the couple to grieve together during the session. No need to involve yourself when this occurs.
4. I would continue to see the man as he begins to refocus on helping himself during the transition.

All the best,
Linda

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Nothing is more vital than learning to have productive dialogue with a partner; with positive communication skills any issue can be worked through in a healthy manner. The first step in achieving this is gaining insight into your part of the problem. Without that, the conversation gets stuck in anger, blame and attack-defend.

The recognition of your “defensiveness and anger” as part of the communication difficulty is a significant first step in moving towards healthy dialogue. When emotions are heightened, the cognitive part of the brain becomes less functional and our responses are more emotional than logical.

When you respond defensively and angrily to your wife, all she sees and hears is your anger. She doesn’t hear the content of what you are saying; she doesn’t see the sadness, pain and hurt that is right under that anger.

For you and your wife to have a productive dialogue about the issues, the two of you must be in a “centered state,” i.e. you may feel emotional but you are able to contain the feelings while talking and actively listening with the cognitive part of the brain. Each of you learning to soothe and contain your own anger and defensiveness is the key. A therapist can teach you deep breathing or other relaxation techniques to practice becoming centered. If feelings escalate during the conversation, call a time out, soothe your own feelings and come back to the conversation.

Another key is to look underneath your anger and ask yourself, “What other feelings do I have?” We tend to lead with our anger so we don’t have to feel vulnerable and weak since talking about the underlying sadness and fear may be scary or uncomfortable. However, this is a big part of the solution – to face your fears and allow the softer emotions to emerge. Unless she is detached, your wife will be drawn “towards you” when you speak about your hurt, sadness, pain and fear. And it is very likely that she will share her more vulnerable feelings. When couples meet on this deeply emotional plane, they connect more lovingly and start working as a team.

You mention that your wife selectively recalls events; we all do this since each of us see and remember events from our perspective, through our own filters. The goal of therapy is not to determine whose perspective is right or wrong since you are both “right” from your respective chairs; it’s to help each of you understand the other’s perspective, to learn so much about how your partner sees things that you could go into court and “make her case.” It doesn’t mean you necessarily agree with her perception; it just means you understand her point of view.

Instead of defending against her perception – be curious about her perception, e.g. “So you think I meant to hurt your feelings? I didn’t see it that way. Help me understand more about why you saw it like that.” Keep asking questions till you truly comprehend her thoughts and feelings. Remember her intention is not to attack you; her intention is to express her thoughts and feelings and have you hear and understand them.

Then it is your turn to be heard. Ask her to listen to your perception, i.e. “I would like you to hear the way I saw the event so you can understand it from my chair.” Only then can the two of you determine what changes each needs to make and join together to problem solve.

When you master this way of communicating you will be able to discuss anything. It takes patience and practice but it is a skill that anyone can learn.

It’s difficult to feel like your therapist isn’t hearing you and is taking sides. Ask for some individual time with the therapist so he can hear your perceptions and discuss how you can best present this to your wife.

Hope this is helpful.

Warm regards,
Lori

First I want to acknowledge how deeply hurt you have been by the sudden end to what was a very meaningful relationship. Very understandably, you are grieving this loss. I believe that much of the healing and change that occurs in psychotherapy comes directly from the relationship that develops between the therapist and the client. Ideally, the end of psychotherapy is marked with a phase of the work that is devoted specifically to termination. This is a time to explore the very real and complicated emotions that develop around the ending of a very unique and powerful relationship and make peace with its conclusion. It sounds like this work was beginning, as you mentioned having two sessions after the change in your therapist’s position was announced. You also mention that a final session was scheduled, but ultimately canceled and never rescheduled. To me, this suggests the possibility that the termination process was interrupted, and therefore, not worked through completely. Even if it had been completed, I’m sure it would still be very difficult for you, but I wonder if a final session might have allowed you a sense of closure. Unfortunately, the final session did not occur and asking for it now, might be impossible within the structure of the clinic; not to mention, that at this point, it could do more harm than good by allowing you to reenter the relationship, only to have it taken away again. So where do you go from here?

First I would suggest working with your current therapist on the very real and legitimate feelings of grief and loss you are experiencing around the end of your work with your former therapist. Working with clients on their feelings of loss of a previous therapist can be challenging, as it may cause therapists to question their own value to the client. However, experienced and well trained therapists will be able to view this as an opportunity to help a client through a painful loss and also as a means of exploring what was and wasn’t helpful in the previous therapeutic relationship. Although, I believe this will be an important part of your healing, I would caution you not to allow this to become the central focus of therapy for the long term, as it might result in avoiding the issues that brought you to therapy in the first place. This may be more comfortable in the short term, but it won’t allow for the rich growth that can come from therapy in the long term.

I would also encourage you to openly explore, both in therapy and independently, the idea of becoming friends with your therapist. As mentioned above, the therapeutic relationship is a very unique one. Part of its uniqueness is rooted in the fact that it is almost exclusively focused on one person – the client. Even in therapeutic modalities that draw strength from the humanness of the therapist and from the relationship between therapist and client, often the majority of what is revealed about the therapist is how he/she experiences the client. This contributes to a significant imbalance of power in the relationship, which therefore, leads to questions about whether or not a true and equitable friendship could ever really occur.

The power imbalance that occurs in therapy between the therapist and the client is something therapists often don’t like to acknowledge. Most therapists don’t see themselves as authority figures – we are helpers and most of us probably see ourselves as partnering with clients on their journey, not as authority figures. However we want to view ourselves, we are the professionals with the training and expertise in psychotherapy and this makes us the authority figure in the relationship. Clients often present for therapy at a point in time when they are overcome with pain and suffering. As they enter into the therapeutic relationship and feel connected to a professional who is empathic and non-judgmental, they feel understood and cared for on a deep level, sometimes for the first time. They also believe that their therapists can help them in a way that no one else has been able to. Certainly this gives a tremendous amount of power to therapists and leads clients to idealize them and, in rare cases, view them as almost God-like.

It is important to acknowledge that at the end of the day, therapists are just regular people – people who have flaws and bad habits; people who argue with their partners; people who have difficult family relationships. The way you see your therapist in sessions is quite likely his/her very best self and let’s face it no one can be their very best self all the time. So, if you did become friends with your therapist, you would get them as a full and complete person – the good and the bad. Consider what that would be like. You might argue with one another, you might learn things about her that you hate, you might have very little in common.

Finally, a more practical piece of the puzzle comes to mind that I feel I would be remiss without addressing. I wonder if it is making it more difficult to move past this loss because you are going to the same clinic (and even bumping into your former therapist from time to time) where you worked with your former therapist for so many years. I don’t know how long you have been working with your current therapist, or how you feel about the work you two are doing. I also don’t know what the resources are in the community where you live, but it might be worth exploring a change of venue. Before making any decisions on this, engage in an open exploration of this with your therapist.

Thank you for writing and I hope you experience some peace and healing around this loss in the not too distant future.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Thank you for your question. I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. It’s so difficult to see someone we love self-destructing in their addiction. However, it sounds like you have done all you can in not supporting her financially and refusing to enable her in any way. I know you have been through a lot already, but I have two suggestions that might help relieve some of the stress you are currently experiencing. First, I highly recommend that your entire family and circle of friends get some support. Addiction has a traumatic effect on everyone in the family, even those family members who are not living in the same house with the person struggling with the addiction. Just being able to “vent” with other people who can relate to your situation will provide a great deal of relief for you. Look for a counselor who is familiar with addiction and/or consider attending al-anon meetings. You will be able to get some practical suggestions, and you will be able to find emotional support as well, to address that “lost” feeling you refer to. Also with the help of a counselor, you can begin to address any anger, remorse, anxiety or other emotional feelings you are experiencing. This type of support will also help regulate your own physical and mental health, which is at greater risk of dysfunction because of the stress you are under. To find a counselor or therapist, begin by contacting the nearest drug/alcohol treatment center, or hospital that offers such a program; these facilities should have social workers who can offer suggestions. Or perhaps you can search for a therapist on this very website.

Secondly, I want to address the issue regarding your grandson. I’m concerned that even though the courts have said he can’t visit his mother, his father is disregarding that decision and providing visitation. Someone needs to make sure the boy is not being exposed to any risky or shady situations when staying with mom, especially considering that both mom and her boyfriend are actively using. Hopefully mom remains fully cognizant during his visits, and I don’t mean to suggest she isn’t — but addiction is a wild card, and if the youngster is being exposed to any hazardous circumstances (i.e., mom and boyfriend are too “high” to watch after him while he’s there), then those visits should stop immediately. If you have reasonable suspicion the boy isn’t safe, and your son in law refuses to take appropriate action, then you might need to contact your local child protective services or the courts and inquire about your options – you can do so anonymously in most cases, if only for advisement.

You might also, if you wish, occasionally let your daughter know that it’s her addiction you dislike, not the good person underneath, as a reminder that you’re willing to reconnect if she seeks help facing her problem. That is if you feel comfortable doing so; and it is perfectly understandable if you do not. It’s just that, stressful as these situations are, coming from a position of love while holding proper boundaries can sometimes break the ice – if, of course, the struggling person truly wants help. I hope your daughter does get help, sooner rather than later. Thanks again for writing.

Kind regards,
Darren