It’s easy to see why you have concerns about the woman you’ve been dating. On the one hand, she’s beautiful, sweet, and smart. I can understand why you are drawn to her. On the other hand, you’ve mentioned several troubling concerns. You’ve heard her change her story about her marital status, and you’ve caught her lying. There are serious warning signs when you mention her “…tendency to lie and get into conflicts with people.” I would also question her motivation to be so obsessed with your child. I found myself wondering if she has some kind of unstated agenda with you and your child—she is unemployed and has no children of her own at the age of 52. Could she be looking for an established, secure family to move into to address her own needs for security? This is only speculative, but what are her motivations for obscuring the truth and wanting to spend so much time with your child?

Regardless of those possibilities, it seems that your biggest concern should be the basic trust issue. Successful relationships are based on two vital ingredients—a safe, trusting foundation and an attuned, responsive connection with your partner. Relationships succeed when we know we can count on our partner—a predictable sense that they’re there for us in a caring manner. Your question about confronting her is very reasonable—I think you should. Let her know about your concerns without judgment or anger, and see how she responds. Since you already know she has been lying, you have a really tough decision to make. Can you continue in a relationship with someone you care for but already know you cannot trust? She won’t have the answer to that—only you can answer that question for yourself. I wish you well as you find your truth in trusting your own feelings and beliefs.

Kind regards,
Richard

Thanks for your letter. Congratulations on your sobriety! It is hard to answer you without knowing what you mean by “having trouble” with step 1; I would encourage you, as did the founder of AA, Bill Wilson, to figure out what these 12-step concepts mean to you personally. You might decide you are not powerless over booze, as long as you stay away from the first drink. Some would argue that AA helps people stay away from that first drink and that without ongoing support, a recovering person’s life can become so unmanageable that the person finds he or she must drink again. Others feel that once they stop drinking, life becomes manageable again and ongoing participation is not necessary. As the recovery saying goes: For some people, stopping brings an end to problems, for others stopping means the real problems have just begun.

Sometimes there is very black and white, “either/or” language in the program, which isn’t everyone’s experience. (A client of mine told me he was instructed to “forget therapy” and only do AA, which he fortunately ignored.) While it is wise to respect the power of addiction, there is middle ground between AA and death. You might, for example, try working with a sponsor who is open-minded in helping you define your own terms. You might try going to fewer meetings before stopping altogether. The program can help some people bring order to issues like work, relationships, finances, and so forth. But not everyone. The bottom line is your safety and well-being. If you find you can have a happy, sober life without AA, there is no “law” that you have to stay. Many people with addiction find they need the consistent structure provided by a 12-step program and build their life around sober friends and activities, while others use the program as a “bridge back to life,” and some people find it doesn’t work for them at all. I say, take it one step at a time, stay honest with yourself, and see what works best for you. Good luck, and thanks again for your question!

Kind regards,
Darren

The question is short and to the point—it sounds like you feel betrayed and are angry, want revenge, and want to know how to get over this. I feel embarrassed that my answer is so much longer than the question, and I ask for patience; this is a painful and difficult experience.

I have questions, too. I wonder how long you have been married, if you have children, and if there have been other instances of betrayal that may not be confined to the sexual area. I wonder about your ability to communicate. I worry that you and your spouse are not partners, but adversaries, and maybe have been for a long time.

Let’s focus on dealing with anger. You say you “get snarky.” Are snarky remarks a way to gradually let off the anger, preventing a full-fledged rage response? Have you been angry for a long time?

It sounds like you want revenge. That’s understandable—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Unfortunately that leads to blindness all around.

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A poet, Ron Padgett, advises staying angry for a week, then dropping the anger but not forgetting the reason for it.

Sounds good, but how?

Some ways to release anger are: physical activity, emoting, meditating, writing in a journal, doing art, talking things over with friends as well as the person who made you angry in the first place, seeing a therapist if the anger is of long duration. All these methods work; try them all or the ones you like best. Consulting a couples therapist deserves primary place on this list.

Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breach of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next. As you each learn how the other feels and thinks, you may develop more empathic responses to each other, and the marriage will strengthen. Alternatively, it may become clear that the marriage cannot continue—in this case therapy may help you part with less rancor, so that the good memories of your relationship can survive. This is especially important if you have children, but even if you don’t you will part more completely if you’re not bound to each other with rage, which can act like glue and prevent you from moving on with your life. A couples therapist can also help you decide if individual treatment might be helpful.

Most important: remaining angry for long periods of time causes physiological changes, such as a rise in blood pressure and literal aches and pains, and it sets the stress response going on a 24-hour basis. Not good. So it’s a question of health to learn ways to deal with strong emotional responses.

I wish you and your spouse good luck and patience in learning how to communicate with each other and live without fear, anger, or despair.

Kind regards,
Lynn

Guilt is a powerful emotion that does not like to be disobeyed. It is often quite loud, slippery, insidious, and overwhelming—yet it is not always right. Emotion experts believe that guilt is a social emotion, which arises when we behave in a way that goes against social rules, morals, or expectations. Since we are a highly social species that depends upon the social pack for survival, it makes sense that an intensely undesirable emotion arises when we break from the guidelines of the pack; in fact, the intensity and undesirableness of guilt is designed to get us to make a U-turn, align our behaviors with the guidelines of the social group, and resume our membership within it.

Understanding this gives you an avenue by which to determine whether listening to your guilt is wise. Rather than using the intensity of your guilt to determine whether to listen to it, you can look at the societal guidelines the guilt is in reaction to and determine whether abiding by these guidelines is wise.

Identify what societal guidelines your guilt is rooted in and spend some time deciphering what exactly you feel guilty about. Once you have a sense of the guidelines your guilt is in reaction to, weigh these against the guidelines you are basing your decision to separate on. From my perspective, your decision to separate from your spouse is rooted in a belief that you have a right to safety and to live free from abuse. The right to live a life without abuse is a human right, a constitutional right. Do the guidelines that are fueling your guilt outweigh your moral and legal rights to an abuse-free life?

I hope that engaging in this exercise can help you understand that your guilt, although strong, is not based on guidelines that are safe for you to abide by. While understanding this will most likely not make your guilt go away, it can provide you with a perspective that can help you tolerate the guilt, allowing you to ride it out.

Keep in mind that you do not need to get rid of the guilt, even though it would be lovely if it did go away; it is possible to have the guilt and not do what it says. Imagine your guilt to be a toddler who is having a massive temper tantrum in the grocery store—you need to be like the savvy parent who holds the child’s hand and proceeds to continue with the shopping trip, wailing child in tow. Your guilt can act up, be strong, powerful, and horrible, but you do not need to do what it says, nor do you need to focus on it.

One last tip is that all emotions pass. Hang on to this fact when your guilt is really powerful, and feel free to engage in activities that produce other emotions, such as peace, calm, and empowerment.

Finally, due to the violence that has been in your relationship, I recommend that you discuss the details of your separation with a therapist—be it your individual therapist or your spouse’s therapist—and that your spouse’s therapist is kept informed. A trained therapist who knows the details of the situation and is actively working with your spouse can help him through the transition. While it is your responsibility is to treat your spouse with kindness, respect, and genuineness, it is not appropriate for you to sacrifice your safety or well-being in order to make the transition easy. All the best to you, and keep in mind that standing up against abuse is vital in order for healing to begin.

Kind regards,
Susanne

First, I want to congratulate you for your courage in reaching out to a therapist and beginning the healing process that can unfold when you get into counseling. You mention that you’ve never really had any kind of therapy although you were abused in your past. I can’t emphasize enough how important trust is, and I want to especially point out that you hung in with this therapist for 3 whole months…good on you! This is definitely something that can be worked out and worked on and your strong feelings for your therapist are entirely natural, appropriate, and yes, essential.

Essential because therapy is all about the power of relationship. Good therapists should be able to accept you completely and entirely as you are. Carol Rogers called this “unconditional positive regard.” So you really don’t need to worry about what your therapist might think of you. You can learn from your thoughts about her! When clients have feelings like you’re describing, psychotherapists and counselors often refer to them as transference. What’s being transferred? The general idea is that, unconsciously, emotional feelings that you may have had or wished you could have had as a child are transferred from your parents or other caretaker to your therapist. So clients often have feelings for their therapists that are like the ones that children have towards their parents. Sometimes it feels like falling in love. Transference is completely natural and normal, and it can enhance the experience of therapy significantly.

Your experience of positive transference toward your former therapist is very likely a rich and powerful message from your internal world about what you missed in childhood. So it could present a wonderful opportunity for you to learn how to love, nurture, and care for the wounded child that still lives within you. Since healing is an “inside job,” therapy can offer the opportunity find that healing.

Often and for many of us these thoughts might remind us of what we missed when we were growing up. Ideally mothers are warm, reliable, and nurturing. Unfortunately, for many of us our moms weren’t like that or even capable of nurturing. I’m guessing you might have experienced some of this deprivation, creating a huge contradiction for you as you began to spend therapy time with a person who was “really nice.” Red lights – sirens – confusion – yikes!

No wonder you just stopped going. Nothing is wrong—with you or with your therapist. These kinds of feelings can all be part of the healing process, so I strongly encourage you to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, as it sounds like you’ve begun to establish a good connection with this therapist. Any professional and ethical therapist will be able to accept and understand your feelings without taking the transference personally. Also, some people find that they are more comfortable not working face to face, but by telephone. This might be an option that would be preferable for you, at least in the beginning. You are safe in the privacy of your own home—not someone’s office. If you do decide to go to a different therapist, just be very certain that the therapist has experience and expertise working with survivors of abuse.

Kind regards,
Jill

Thank you for the question, which is simple yet full of complexity and turmoil. The way I understand your situation is this: you are a female to male transgender person and you would like to, anatomically, complete the process of becoming a man, but you are unable to afford the procedure. Your relationship with your wife is suffering due to the challenges inherent to this situation. There are many more questions I would like to ask you, but I can certainly provide some thoughts and suggestions based on the information at hand.

I will assume that you currently live your life as a man. Surgery is typically the final step in gender reassignment, so I imagine you are now probably male in appearance, hormones, and psychology. You say that your wife is straight, so I can infer that your wedding pictures probably portray a dress and tuxedo, husband and wife. The only missing piece at this point, to put it bluntly, are the genitals.

Your frustration with the high cost of the surgery is completely understandable. To be living in every way as a man but to be unable to complete the final step is incredibly difficult. I imagine you have done thorough research about clinics around the world that provide this type of procedure and the related costs. If you say it is beyond your budget, then that is a fact that may be unchangeable. It is very disheartening for an economic issue to keep you from feeling like a complete person.

In some ways, your question focuses more on dealing with disappointment and heartache than with issues around being transgendered. You deeply desire to have something that you are just not able to get, at least at this point in your life.

In some ways, your question focuses more on dealing with disappointment and heartache than with issues around being transgendered. You deeply desire to have something that you are just not able to get, at least at this point in your life. Everyone can relate to this kind of turmoil. How do people accept reality and handle intense sadness? Life is full of it, and everyone looks for ways to move beyond pain and live the best life they can. It is often the deepest suffering that turns hearts toward spiritual seeking or religious solace. Others find interests or passions to delve into, such as pursuits that help others in need, or hobbies to challenges their bodies or minds. Some people engage in counseling or psychotherapy to process their emotions and achieve a new understanding for the next phase of their lives.

Often when life presents us with a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, it can be a good time to step back and take stock of our present situation and long-term goals. I have to wonder about your relationship with your wife. You say that these issues have killed your sex life. This confuses me, because she married you as you are, correct? Did she not have full knowledge of your transgender nature before you tied your lives together? Did you both enter into the union with the condition that someday you would have male anatomy? Contracts with conditions are always tricky. And although postponing sexual intimacy is a somewhat outdated concept, there are certainly couples who uphold this practice, and perhaps you are one of them. The answers to these questions would provide useful information for understanding the particular strain your marriage is experiencing.

In any event, I am understanding that you believe your lack of male anatomy is the thing that is ruining your sex life. However, there are many factors at play in a satisfying sexual relationship: giving and receiving physical pleasure; self-esteem and confidence; emotional bonding and support; mutual trust and caring. Since it seems likely that you did have sexual intimacy prior to being married, I imagine you found ways to satisfy one another physically. There are certainly lots of alternatives to an anatomic penis, even for a “straight” woman. I believe the devastation to your sex life is probably more closely linked to the expectations you both hold for your relationship and for the spoken and unspoken “contracts” you made upon marrying.

One or both of you is very upset by your lack of full male anatomy. You may actually be more bothered by it than she is, which could certainly drive a wedge between you and cut off your communication and sharing. You may be making assumptions about what she thinks of you, believing that the shame and self-loathing that you feel toward yourself is actually coming from her. Or she may have disappointments and frustrations of her own that are preventing her from engaging in physical intimacy with you. I wonder how often and how fully you communicate your thoughts and feelings with one another.

You may be finding yourself unlovable and assuming that she loves you less because of your anatomy. Perhaps it isn’t a solely economic issue—undertaking this type of surgery is enormously impactful. Maybe there is a part of you that is not 100% ready to finalize the transition? If not—if the barrier is purely financial—it is you and your wife’s problem jointly, the kind of problem covered under the “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer” clauses. In an ideal situation, you would undertake the challenge together and support each other until a resolution is achieved.

This brings me back to my previous point about how people cope with life’s trials and disappointments. Another way of handling sadness is by turning to the people you love and trust and sharing the burden. The fact that this challenge is coming between you and your wife rather than bringing you closer together says to me that your communication and emotional honesty might need strengthening. Optimally, a person’s spouse is the one they go to when they don’t know what else to do and their world seems bleak and unkind. I wish for you and your wife to find solace with one another and together find a solution to the challenge you are both facing.

I am concerned that this problem may be threatening your stability and psychological strength. I strongly encourage you to reach out into your community for support and/or counseling. I imagine that throughout your gender transitioning process you have been given referrals to counselors, clinics, LGBT centers, and other places that offer understanding, support, and guidance. Please know that counselors answering suicide and crisis lines are trained to be nonjudgmental and aware of all types of situations that people face. You can even make contact with someone online to discuss your challenge in as much detail as you choose. When you speak with a counselor, you can discuss your transgender situation, or you can just focus on the general challenges of dealing with disappointment and overcoming emotional distance from your spouse.

I do not know where you live, but if you are in an intolerant part of the country, do reach out via phone or internet for help from someone with empathy for and understanding of your situation. GoodTherapy.org is a great resource to help you get started. The fact that you have reached out for help in this forum is a great sign that you are taking action to help yourself and your marriage. I believe that all problems have solutions, and when we start to look for those solutions, the universe conspires to give us what we need.

Please know that even if you never accumulate the funding necessary for your surgery, your relationship can survive if you both find a way to reconnect with the love, acceptance, and commitment that brought you together and led you to permanently bind your lives. Honest communication and deep sharing are an excellent route to that end. If you are not able to make this happen on your own, do seek assistance from a therapist who can support and guide you both with strategies to strengthen your emotional bond. Sex is an important factor of a relationship, but trust, respect, and deep caring precede the most satisfying sexual sharing. I hope that you and your wife can reawaken this so that your partnership will thrive no matter the state of your anatomy.

Best wishes to you both.
Karen

I’m sorry to hear about this very distressing situation. It does sound like the man you’re seeing has a serious problem with anger management. The screaming, verbal abuse, and controlling behavior are familiar problems for those of us who work with men in therapy. Generally speaking, it is also untenable in any close relationship, and it’s often a deal breaker for women in relationships with men who cannot learn to manage their anger effectively. Without knowing more about him, it’s difficult to know what the underlying problems may be. I would be curious about stage of life issues, given his age and the fact that he’s been married three times previously. Most therapists recognize that this kind of anger is generally a type of defense or self protection. In my work with men, I usually identify fears and shame (feeling not good enough as a man) as the underlying emotional struggles that result in excessive anger. Another indication of this is his controlling behavior. Many people, men and women alike, are controlling because they’re afraid. For example, the more a man tries to control other people, the more he tends to be afraid that his needs won’t be met or that the outcome will reflect poorly on him as a person (shame). You indicated in your question that he says you don’t care about anything. Perhaps he believes you don’t care about him. This could be his perception, which he may not even be aware of, and it’s only a perception. He could be unusually needy and too ashamed to even be aware of his needs. He could also have a sense of entitlement—possibly resulting in a “narcissistic injury”—the little boy in him not tolerating his needs being unmet. In any event, you need to take action. Talk to him to see if he is willing to communicate about this. You need to set boundaries so that you don’t get hurt. He’s externalizing an internal emotional struggle and taking it out on you. You have a right to protect yourself—tell him to stop and that you will not accept that kind of behavior. If he won’t stop, you may need to take more definitive action, like separating yourself from him. Counseling or therapy may be helpful; perhaps he will go with you if you tell him it’s for the two of you.

Kind regards,
Richard

Thank you for these fantastic questions. I am going to answer each question individually, as you bring up quite important issues; but before I get to your questions, I’m going to ask you one. Does your therapist have specialized training in working with survivors of trauma?

This is a critical question for you to find the answer to and here’s why. The vast majority of therapists are competent, capable and genuinely caring individuals but not every therapist knows how to work with trauma. Unfortunately, it is possible to have a wonderful and generally effective therapist make unintentional and damaging mistakes with regards to a survivor of trauma.

Therefore, my recommendation would be to ask your therapist if she/he has training in working with trauma, is knowledgeable about this type of healing, etc…. When asking this it is appropriate to share that you are a survivor of trauma and would like to work on this aspect of yourself. If your therapist does not have a high level of specialized knowledge regarding trauma, then feel free to talk with your therapist about your desire to find someone who does have this expertise. Keep in mind that your therapist wants what is best for you and will not be upset, angered or disappointed if you need to connect with an alternate therapist for awhile or for good. Therapists recognize that we are only one piece of someone’s healing journey. We tend to be grateful for the segment of the journey that we share with our clients and trust that our clients will find other healers and avenues for healing as they journey through life.

So, assuming that you are working with a therapist who has specialized knowledge in trauma, here are some of my thoughts.

“How can you tell if it is a good idea to bring up trauma with your therapist?”
You own your life story and this includes the trauma(s). You and you alone have the right to set the agenda of your healing. If you feel safe with your therapist, trust him/her and desire to share about your life having trauma, then by all means feel free to do so. If on the other hand you would prefer not to share this, then know you also have the right keep this information private. You also have the right to bring up the fact of trauma and express your desire to not delve into the healing. A trauma therapist will understand that you are not being resistant, evasive or avoidant and will honor the courage it took to share as well as the trust you are showing by sharing.

“How long should I wait?”
This is 100% up to you. I have had clients who have told me about trauma in the first session. I have had clients who waited months and I have had everything in between. Once again, you have the right to claim your history – your therapist understands that the choice to disclose is your choice and a part of your healing. Your therapist will not be offended if you wait a long time to share and your therapist will not be overwhelmed if you share early on.

“I don’t want her to think that’s all I am.”
A key principle in psychology is that people are complex, more than meets the eye, and not equal to one life event or type of experience. Your therapist understands that you are a multifaceted individual and will try and define you based on your experience of trauma(s).

“I also am worried what if I get upset if I tell her.”
It is understandable to be worried about becoming upset, but rest assured that being upset in therapy is totally normal and to be expected. Your therapist will know how to help you soothe and calm your upset. If your therapist does not help you soothe and calm, then talk about this with your therapist. You have every right to require that the therapist you work with knows how to effectively handle emotions and knows how to teach you to navigate your emotions.

“What if I had a flashback while I was there?”
Pacing and timing are two important issues when healing from traumatic life events. Here’s an analogy, if you were to run a marathon, your pace would be how quickly you run each section of the race while your timing would be when within your training regime you actually run the race. In terms of healing (healing being the marathon), pacing has to do with how quickly and deeply you share about the trauma(s) while timing has to do with when you share. If you were preparing for a marathon, you and your coaches(s) would jointly make decisions about pacing and timing so that you push your body to achieve its potential while maintaining safe and achievable expectations. Once again, the analogy is apt – with regards to healing, you and your therapist jointly make decisions about pacing and timing. It is your therapist’s job to help you pace your disclosure so to minimize the chances of a flashback and if one does occur it is your therapist’s job to help you get out of the flashback as quickly as possible. The ability to recognize and manage a flashback are part of a trauma specialists skill set and makes this one of the prime reasons why working with a trauma specialist is vital.

What if she cried or something?
For many survivors of trauma, there is a deep fear that they are toxic, damaging and will inflict intolerable pain on those they share their histories with. Generally, the fear of one’s therapist crying is rooted in this fear. Due to your therapist’s training in trauma, she/he will know how to express compassion, nurture and healing in a way that teaches you that you are not damaging, toxic or the inflictor of intolerable pain. If your therapist does cry and this does overwhelm you, know that you can talk about this with your therapist.

Finally, feel free to bring up each and every one of these questions with your therapist. I know I speak on behalf of countless therapists when I say that we welcome your concerns, thoughts and worries – we believe that you are important and therefore believe that your questions are important too.

Kind regards,
Susanne

Since I don’t know you or the details of your life, I am going to answer your question using what I have learned from my clients who have felt and expressed similar questions.

Most of the individuals I work with who have felt as if they are not human have endured rather painful and cruel experiences. Oftentimes, these experiences were ongoing and occurred in relationships or situations from which the individual could not easily exit. While I don’t know if you have had experiences like this, I am going to talk a bit about how I help these individuals heal.

The first piece of this healing has to do with educating my clients that their experience of being ‘un-human’ is understandable and explainable, and the outcome of what once was an effective coping skill. Here is what I like to teach my clients:

1. You, as a human, are built to survive, and if you cannot physically exit painful and cruel experiences, then you will do the next best thing and learn how to distance yourself from your own feelings, thoughts and sensations connected and related to the unavoidable experiences.
2. Unfortunately, the human experience functions a bit on an all-or-nothing principle, meaning that if you cut out one part of your human experience you lose access to most of the other parts. Disowning your pain might mean you don’t hurt, but over time, it also means you don’t feel joy, happiness, meaning, etc…
3. Eventually, the more parts of yourself that you disconnect from, the more you will begin to disconnect from your inherent sense of humanness, and your sense of belonging to the human collective will begin to fade.
4. While effective in the short run, (i.e. you don’t feel pain), the overall ‘price tag’ of this coping strategy is just too much. So, learning how to let go of this coping strategy in favor of alternate coping strategies is critical.

Thankfully, therapy is just the place to engage in this type of learning, and the good news is that it is not the specific type of therapy, but rather the specific therapist that is most important. By connecting with your therapist, your therapist can teach you how to reconnect with yourself, and this reconnection with yourself allows you to regain your sense of connection with your humanness.

The big question then becomes, what type of therapist should you be looking for? You will want to connect with a therapist who embodies, i.e. lives, the following key attributes:

1. Warmth. You want a therapist who expresses and displays warmth towards you, has genuine compassion for you, enjoys working with you and possesses enthusiasm to be your therapist.
2. Understanding. You need to have the sense that your therapist gets you, that your therapist can understand who you are and how you tick. In addition, you want this understanding to be linked with acceptance – that your therapist accepts you just as you are and welcomes you to engage in the therapy process just as you are.
3. Genuineness. You should link up with a therapist that you perceive to be genuine with you. Someone who will be authentic with you and someone you can be real with. This genuineness will allow you to build trust in your therapist, so that you can be open, honest and share 100% of who you are.
4. Even though these traits are the most essential part of your therapist search, here are a few buzz words you might want to ask about: attachment theory, and a client-centered approach. You will want a therapist who agrees with these concepts and at a minimum lines her/his work up with the overall spirit of these approaches. Finally, if there are traumatic experiences in your past, then you need a therapist who has specific training in working with trauma.
5. Ultimately, you will need to locate a therapist who creates a space where these approaches come alive and are embodied and applied to your therapy. I applaud you for reaching out with your question, and I encourage you to locate a therapist that can help you reconnect with yourself. Don’t worry if the first therapist isn’t the best match – it sometimes takes a few tries. Just don’t give up: You deserve to feel human, and you have the inherent ability to do so.

Kind regards,
Susanne

Wow, that sounds abusive and my first reaction is to say, it’s time to get a new therapist. Anyone who is truly being abused by their therapist needs to move on sooner rather than later. The indispensable ingredients in any therapeutic relationship are safety and trust. It sounds like you’re feeling neither at an extremely vulnerable time; the client really is the “customer” and has the right to go elsewhere if she feels distrust or unsafe (or abused) with the therapist.

The only reason I can think of to stay – and this is a very personal decision – is if this represents exception rather than the norm of the therapy as a whole. You say you’ve been with the therapist for three years, so I’m wondering if you have been feeling this way the whole time, or if this represents a horrifying diversion from the norm? If the latter is true, and if you feel it’s worth your effort, you will have to discuss your feelings with your therapist right away. You may feel the relationship is beyond repair at this point. If, however, you feel it is worth one attempt to save the relationship, then it’s time to share the raw, unfiltered truth. If your therapist does not seem to “get it”, or respect and show compassion, or show a desire to make amends and drop the abusive behavior immediately, then it’s time to move on.

If this type of discussion is the route you want to take, I would bring it up as soon as possible. There is no excuse for feeling belittled – to say nothing of abused – in one’s therapy. If you don’t feel safe having this discussion, it’s time to find someone new.

You might also consult at least once with another therapist, for a number of reasons. First, you can get a feel for how another therapist works and relates to you, as a way of contrasting with your current person; you can also discuss the situation, to get a fresh perspective and most importantly some support for what sounds like a very painful emotional struggle. Suicide must be taken seriously.

In fact, I urge you to get help immediately if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or impulses. You can call the suicide hotline, or 911 or take yourself to the nearest ER and let a psychiatrist know what is going on. Please don’t delay if you are having any recurring thoughts or feelings of hurting yourself. I hope you find the help and support you need as soon as possible. Thank you for writing.

Kind regards,
Darren

Being worried about your grandchildren is distressing and difficult in that you have limited recourse as to be direct in making a change to their lives. Munchausen syndrome by proxy is typically pattern of behavior in which caregivers deliberately exaggerate, fabricate, and/or induce physical, psychological, behavioral, and/or mental health problems in others. The motivation is to assume the sick role by proxy, and in the sick role to have greater attention given to them. Hypochondria typically persist even after a doctor has evaluated a person and reassured them that their concerns about symptoms do not have an underlying medical basis. Hypochondriac by proxy & Munchausen syndrome by proxy are difficult concerns to address. As a grandparent, you are very limited in what you can do directly. It sounds like confronting your daughter-in-law could lead to estrangement or a fight. You have taken steps to address this issue by talking with your son and other family members. Munchausen syndrome is very difficult to diagnose because it is based on the intent of the mother acting in this way for attention for herself vs. providing care needed for her children. Based on your letter what help does your daughter-in-law need?

Is her potential hypochondrium so great that it is beginning to affect the children? Is your daughter-in-law so worried about her children being sick that she has become overly anxious? Often new and young parents worry constantly about being a good parent or making mistakes. She could be worrying and does not want to show anyone that she is not a good mother, by asking for help or advice. You could try to reassure her that all children get sick from time to time and that you as a mother with a lot of experience would be glad to be a resource for her. Then if she asks for help, you can gently give her advice about what worked for you when you were a mother.

Is she working with a counselor and is there a way it can be gently suggested that she talk to someone about the stress and anxiety of raising children? Often times in my practice I have to remind parents that children do not come with instruction manuals and that by reading, and asking for help, we can learn to be better parents. Keep a journal or a log of the events that are happening with the children so that you have something you can reference as you are dealing with this problem. Lastly, if nothing else seems to be helping the situation you can contact a therapist to discuss these issues in more depth for yourself.

Sincerely,
Jeffrey

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and posing this question. I have considered your situation at length and I find I have several unanswered questions that make it challenging to give you a direct response. I will share my thoughts with you and hope that some of my guesses accurately address your concern.

I hear that to you there seems to be a big difference between being gay and being bisexual. You use the phrases “really gay” and “just bisexual”. Although both identities involve having a physical and/or romantic attraction to a person of the same sex, being gay appears to be more serious in your mind, whereas being bisexual may not be quite as definite. Perhaps identifying as bisexual would feel less threatening to you? Or maybe you don’t think you deserve the label of “gay”?

You mention your age in your question, which says to me that it is a significant factor in your self-identification. I imagine that changing your sexual identity at this stage in your life comes with a host of heavy feelings. You may wonder if it is possible to identify as gay after living a heterosexual life for so long. Only you know how long you have felt attraction towards men. Perhaps you have noticed and suppressed feelings for other men for some years. You do not mention where you are from, but there are very few places where, in the 1950s and 60s, homosexual tendencies were openly accepted and honored. You grew up in generally conservative times when being straight and getting married were societal expectations.

You and your wife may have questions about the validity of your lifelong partnership; have you or she wondered whether you have been “living a lie” all these years? In my opinion, to sustain a partnership with someone for the length of time you have, it has required great caring, commitment, and compromise throughout the years. Your relationship with your wife is to be honored for exactly what it was and is; it is no less meaningful now that you are ready to explore new romantic territories. And even though you have been in a relationship with a woman for many years, this does not have to be a factor in how you identify your sexuality now, if you don’t want it to be.

Sexuality absolutely can change and evolve throughout a person’s lifespan. Not only might feelings and desires change, but confidence grows over the years and priorities shift as one ages. Whether you are finally accepting your homosexuality after many years of suppressing it or it if you are newly discovering it now, you are free to identify yourself in any way that feels right to you.

Only you know whether your same-sex attraction is primary, meaning that your thoughts, fantasies, and desires only involve men, or if you also have sexual and romantic interest in women. Only you know the level of attraction and romance that brought you into the relationship with your wife. Regardless of the reasons that brought you to your marriage, your current sexual identity gets to be a reflection of how you feel today. Even if you were deeply in love with your wife thirty-six years ago, it is entirely possible that your sexuality has changed over the years. This is called “sexual fluidity” and it is a concept that has been researched over the last decade or so. In your case, you may be experiencing a fluidity from pure heterosexuality to pure homosexuality (gay) or from primarily female-attracted bisexuality to primarily male-attracted bisexuality. Or maybe some other combination altogether.

Keep in mind that the term you use to describe yourself is most meaningful as a way to help others know and understand you. When deciding how to identify yourself to others, you might consider how you want to present your newly-accepted homosexuality. You may identify as gay if you want others to know that you are now solely interested in relationships with men. If you identify as gay, people will wonder about your marriage, how long you have “known”, and why you are coming out now. If you identify as bisexual, others may assume your feelings for men are new and/or developing, and your sexual identity may be perceived as a temporary phase. I imagine other people’s thoughts and opinions may factor heavily into your decision about how to identify your sexuality; it certainly is a significant consideration.

I hope the ideas I have presented will help you gain clarity around this issue. I think it might be beneficial for you to work with a professional to sort out all these possibilities and to talk about the various considerations and challenges you are facing now. Perhaps therapists have told you that labels don’t matter because they believe that what is in your heart is real and true, no matter what you call it. I understand that this is a big change for you and that you have many people and circumstances to consider as you embark on the next stage of your life. Good for you for reaching out for help! Best wishes to you on your journey.

Kind regards,
Karen