Dependency on others is the hallmark characteristic of dependent personality disorder (DPD). This can create problems within relationships, since nearly all adult relationships need a degree of interdependence to be considered healthy. Interdependence, simply put, means the people in the relationship maintain their sense of self while working together to meet each other’s needs as well as their own.
“In a healthy relationship, partners ask each other’s opinion, take it in, and then arrive at a decision together that takes both people into account. This is what the Gottman research calls accepting influence — and it is not the same as deferring. Deferring erases one person; accepting influence keeps both people in the room.”
If you live with DPD, you may have an intense and overwhelming need for others to take care of you, so much so that you fear being abandoned or left alone. To avoid the possibility of abandonment, you might find yourself going out of your way to make certain you have the continued support of your romantic partner, family members, or friends. This might cause you to go to great lengths to please them, often by doing things you’d prefer not to do.
This behavior may seem to help you get your needs met, but it often leads to unhealthy or imbalanced relationships. You might end up staying with a partner who isn’t right for you, or even one who’s toxic or takes advantage of you, simply because you don’t want to be alone.
But it is possible to build healthy relationships when you have DPD. Awareness of the condition, and how it affects your interactions with others, is a good first step.
According to the DSM-5-TR, dependent personality disorder affects approximately 0.5-0.6% of the general population, with slightly higher rates among women (0.6%) compared to men (0.4%). If you live with DPD, you may have an intense and overwhelming need for others to take care of you, so much so that you fear being abandoned or left alone.
What Is Dependent Personality?
In basic terms, dependent personality means you rely on other people to take care of you. You might experience serious distress at the thought of having to do things on your own, because you don’t think you can care for yourself. You might feel helpless or unable to make decisions for yourself—both significant decisions, like the career you choose, and minor decisions, like what you’ll make for dinner. The difficulty is often not a lack of intelligence or ability. Instead, making choices may trigger intense anxiety, self-doubt, or fear of making the wrong decision. Over time, relying on others to choose can become a deeply ingrained habit that feels safer than trusting yourself. You might lack well-developed self-esteem and have little confidence in your own abilities.
“The statements people with DPD say to themselves — ‘I can’t do this,’ ‘Someone else would do it better,’ ‘They’ll leave me if I disagree’ — sound like facts about the self, but they are usually beliefs learned in environments where speaking up or trying alone did not go well. Treating them as beliefs that can be examined, rather than truths about who you are, is the first move.”
Many people with dependent traits gradually discover that these assumptions can be questioned, tested, and replaced with more balanced ways of thinking. Because you need continued support from loved ones, you may withhold normal, healthy responses, like anger, frustration, or disagreement, even if they do something problematic or upsetting.
This condition is diagnosed in adulthood according to criteria specified in the DSM-5-TR, and only in people who do have the ability to make decisions on their own without excessively depending on others. People sometimes experience dependency as a result of a health condition or other mental health condition, and this isn’t quite the same as DPD. It’s also important to note that people in abusive relationships may display traits that seem similar to those associated with DPD, such as extreme submissiveness or fear of disagreeing with the abuser. If these behaviors only happen in the abusive situation, DPD wouldn’t be diagnosed.
It’s important to understand these characteristics aren’t your fault. Personality disorders are complicated issues that develop from a multitude of factors, and it’s not always easy to recognize there’s something problematic about your behavior. In some cases, dependent patterns develop in environments where a person’s feelings, preferences, or decisions weren’t consistently encouraged or valued. Over time, relying heavily on others may become a coping strategy rather than a conscious choice. These traits are ingrained—a part of your personality—and they can be difficult to change. But change is possible.
Romantic Relationships and DPD
There’s nothing wrong with consulting your romantic partner about decisions you make, especially those affecting you both. In fact, this is pretty normal (and beneficial) in a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships involve influence, not surrender. Partners consider each other’s perspectives and allow those perspectives to shape decisions without giving up their own opinions, preferences, or values. What sets this type of dependency apart from DPD? In a healthy relationship, you don’t wholly depend on your partner. You ask their advice, consider it, then make a decision that works for both of you.
If you have DPD, it may seem natural to turn to your partner for help with decisions, since you may feel incapable of doing anything alone. You might ask them to choose what stores you shop at, what kind of clothing you buy, what you do with your free time, and whether you should go for a promotion. You might harbor your own opinions about these choices, your partner’s behavior, or other issues that pop up in daily life. But because you worry expressing your true feelings will lead to disapproval and withdrawn support from the people who take care of you, you don’t say what you truly feel.
“In couples work, the everyday substance of connection is what researchers call bids — small reaches toward the other person. People with dependent traits often make plenty of bids, but the ones they hold back are usually the most important: a true opinion, a quiet ‘no,’ a disagreement. Practicing those is where the relationship actually changes.”
If these behaviors resonate with you, it can help to practice making your own decisions in your relationship. A caring partner can support you by:
Supportive partners often find a balance between offering encouragement and taking over. Staying emotionally available while allowing you to make your own choices can help build confidence and independence over time.
Many people with DPD end up in relationships with people who take advantage of them. A few signs of abuse include:
A therapist can offer guidance and support if your relationship is abusive.
Parenting and DPD
Having dependent personality means you may not trust yourself to make your own decisions. You believe you can’t function without the help of others. This can contribute to the distorted view that your child is more capable of making decisions for you.
Accordingly, parents living with DPD may overly rely on children to handle tasks or decisions children aren’t emotionally capable of making. This may be more common in situations where you’re a single parent living with DPD and don’t have another person to rely on.
It’s normal for children to have opinions on things like meal planning, where to purchase their clothing, or how to spend free evenings. And children, especially older children, should also contribute around the house and help manage their own schedules and responsibilities. But it’s not healthy for parents to ask children to take care of all household tasks and responsibilities or make decisions about adult responsibilities or social situations.
“Children learn how to be adults, in part, by watching adults make adult decisions. A parent who turns adult choices over to a child is often trying to share the burden, but the child experiences it as the floor giving way. Holding the line — even imperfectly — is itself a gift to your child.”
As a parent, you may have interest in what your child thinks of your romantic partner. But there’s a difference between asking, “What do you think about (Partner’s name)?” and “Should I keep dating (Name) or should we break up?”
Workplace Relationships and DPD
DPD can make workplace interactions challenging, if you struggle to get necessary tasks done on your own. Your coworkers may notice your difficulty with self-starting, and some might consider your continued need for prompting and encouragement troublesome.
Others may experience you as needing more support, reassurance, or direction than the role allows, which can create challenges or misunderstandings in the workplace. If you’re left to work alone, you might believe you can’t complete the task or project successfully and end up not doing it at all. However, you might do fairly well when you have supervision or support from someone else.
Work can also provide a useful place to practice greater independence. Because workplace tasks are often structured and feedback is usually more direct, some people find it easier to experiment with making decisions, taking initiative, and expressing opinions at work before applying those skills in closer personal relationships.
Friendships and DPD
If you have DPD, you may notice your friendships follow a pattern similar to your romantic relationships. Your fear of being left alone can play out in ways that make you seem clingy and needy. You may worry disagreeing with friends will result in them no longer caring for you and avoid expressing personal opinions and desires to ensure their continued support. While staying agreeable may seem like a way to protect the friendship, consistently hiding your preferences or disagreements can prevent friends from truly getting to know you. Over time, the relationship may feel less authentic or emotionally satisfying.
You might also readily volunteer to help friends out, even when you’d rather not do something (like help them move or clean their house). Because you want them to continue to be there for you, you sacrifice your time, but less-than-ethical friends may take advantage of this trait.
Good friends should be there for each other and support each other in times of need, but true friends should also encourage you and support you in doing things for yourself.
Treatment for Dependent Personality: Does It Get Better?
It’s very difficult to address personality disorders without help from a therapist trained to recognize symptoms and help you work through them effectively. But therapy can always have benefit. Personality disorders can’t be cured, but therapy can help you address behaviors causing problems in your life and learn new ways of relating to others.
Dependent personality treatment can be incredibly beneficial, since it can lead to more fulfilling, healthy relationships. Current research shows that psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapies have shown promise in addressing maladaptive patterns associated with DPD. Some therapists may also incorporate skills drawn from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), including mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. These skills can help people become more comfortable making decisions, managing anxiety, and expressing their needs directly.
Talk therapy is considered to be the most effective treatment, with the aim to help people with this condition make more independent choices in life.
“Good treatment for dependency is rarely about teaching someone to need less. It is about helping them build, gradually, a life they experience as worth living — defined by what matters to them, not by the absence of other people. Independence becomes a by-product of that life, not the goal itself.”
A trained therapist can support you as you work to realize your own capabilities, both when it comes to making decisions and taking care of yourself. Since people with DPD can sometimes transfer feelings of dependency to their therapist, it’s important to work with a therapist experienced in helping people with DPD. This isn’t something to feel ashamed of. In many cases, the therapy relationship becomes a safe place to observe dependent patterns as they happen and gradually practice new ways of relating.
In therapy, you might:
The most lasting improvements are often seen through longer-term therapy, though many people begin experiencing benefits from new coping and communication skills much earlier in treatment. DPD can often occur with other conditions. Childhood illness, attachment issues, or separation anxiety sometimes play a part in its development. But DPD can also factor into the development of concerns like social anxiety or depression. Therapy can help you address symptoms of these conditions, as well.
For some people, treating co-occurring anxiety or depression can reduce distress enough to make it easier to engage fully in therapy and practice new skills. However, there are medications for depression and anxiety, which people with dependent personality disorder may also have. Treating these conditions can make it easier to treat DPD. For the best results, medication should be taken in combination with psychotherapy.
Healthy relationships should be fairly balanced. Some of the time, you might need more support from your partner than usual, and at other times, they may need more from you. But typically, it’s unhealthy for one person to rely solely on another.
If DPD makes it difficult to develop and maintain healthy relationships with others, the best option is to seek help from a compassionate, supportive therapist. Reaching out for help can feel especially difficult when you worry about disappointing others or handling things on your own. Yet taking that step is often one of the first signs that change is already beginning. Begin your search today.
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